Those Friggin Radio Stations

I was listening to the radio the other day. I heard "Let it Rock" by some guy who can't really sing. Okay, the song has a good beat to it, but admit it, dude can't sing. He screams or yells or talks through the song. The entire song. I could do that. That doesn't take talent. But, I digress from Mr. Rock.

At one point, he uses the word "ass." Fine with me. It is not offensive. I don't care if the guy uses that word. But then, BEP comes on. Oh, that is Black Eyed Peas for my older readers. Go google "Fergie." You will enjoy it. I know its guys who are reading this and not knowing who BEP is. Suddenly, "Don't Funk with my Heart" becomes "Don't Mess with My Heart."

Mess? Don't mess with my heart? Really? We have to take the word "funk" out of a song. Is it offensive? Is it because it has 4 letters in it? Because it starts with "f." Or because the radio folks are pansies.

Then they take out words that make it so a song makes no sense. Nickelback songs have words taken out so they don't say drugs. Really? We need to bleep out those words? But we can say ass? I don't get it.

Not only do we allow ass, but we then allow morons like Keith Brooks on the radio. Dude should be renamed "I can barely put together a coherent sentence Brooks." Not only can he not put together a complete sentence, and by complete I mean subject-noun-verb, but he sounds like he has marbles in his mouth. And yet some radio station bigwig, and by bigwig, I mean some guy who thinks that people still like dj's and doesn't understand that people who like dj's listen to AM radio, thinks this guy is good. Brooks does radio like I would do Broadway - poorly. Shove a pencil in his mouth so he can open his freaking lips when he talks.

Annunciation. That is a good thing for a guy on the radio. Oh, and taste. This guy has no taste. He last had taste when I was 6' tall. NEVER! It is not funny to tell some kid who calls in that he is adopted. Not funny. Never. Ever. Not now. Not in 5 years. Not in 10 years. Not in his whole pathetic lifetime.

Oh wait, back to those songs. I forgot. The guys at Family Guy got it right with the Freaking FCC episode. Here is the best part, and maybe the best part of this show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NDPT0Ph5rA Seriously, you have to watch this for the 2 minutes it takes. Freaking hilarious.

Now someone tell me why I can't hear the words to the song? I won't funk with their hearts if they won't funk with my music!

Jon and Blecht Plus Acht

Okay, so it is not a perfect rhyme. Shoot me.

Have you seen this show? Jon and Kate whatever the hell their last name is have 8 kids. Really, she is the reason why people should need a license before they have kids. One kid is too much for her. But, she has 8.

And she is annoying. No wait, annoying is a nice word for her. The proper word is 5 letters long but will get Blogger to make me R rated if I use it. So, it rhymes with snitch.

Seriously, has she ever gone 30 seconds without talking. Just 30 stinkin seconds. She probably yells at people in her sleep. Sighs. Makes noises. He probably only gets quiet when she is away - far, far away. Like in Siberia.

I can just picture them having sex. He is moaning "Oh baby..." and she starts in on him "That's not right. You need to do this instead. I don't like it when you do that. Why do you have to stick that in me? I don't like it in me. Do you have to put it in me?" This explains why they are stuck at 8 and not having 9, 10, or 11.

You know he has thought about divorce. But, he doesn't want those kids by himself. And sharing custody? Holy cow. Of course, it also helps that the tv gravy train stops if they get a divorce. What would he do then? A real job to support all 8 kids and Godzilla? That wouldn't work. And we all know she wouldn't work. She probably hasn't worked an honest day since, well, the Bunny Ranch fired her. (Look it up!)

Of course, if he ever killed her, you know he would be found not guilty. Not even not guilty by reason of insanity. Just not guilty. The whole defense would be showing several episodes of the show. A jury would see her and start cheering. Oh, wait, that's mean. They wouldn't cheer until they voted not guilty. Then they would throw a freaking party. Seriously, could anyone blame the guy if he off'd her? It is the only way to get sanity.

This show should be banned. Banned. Not just cancelled. Banned and all film of it burned. No one should be forced to watch this witch again. It should only be shown to captured Al Qaida operatives since it is more effective than torture and will confirm what they think of us being ugly Americans!

Clothing No-Nos

Get your mind out of the gutter - not going without clothes. Well, that works too. Especially on a woman. I don't really need to see guys without clothes. It is just not my thing. But, since I am all in favor of equal opportunity, get your mind out of the gutter, but you can picture your favorite person of either sex without clothes on while you read the rest of this post.

Some people need help. And I don't mean the kind of help they get from Clinton and Stacey on "What Not To Wear." By the way, that show should really be called "Clinton and Stacey: We Think We Are Cool, But We Aren't." Stacey needs someone to tell her she isn't that funny. And Clinton - well what can you say about a guy whose first name is really a last name? Seriously, would you take Bush Jones seriously? What about Obama Ryan? No? Of course not, so why would you take this guy seriously?

Anyway, here is my list of top fashion faux pas' that should be banned:

1. Running shorts - seriously, why do guys wear these? Does anyone have a reason? I would even take a bad reason. Yuck! I don't want to see Louie and Robbie bouncing between Paulie while you are running. Cover up!
2. Velour track suits - Ladies, really? You think these look nice? What is it? You think you want to go to the gym, but nah, not really? Are you going to break this out with your Coach shoes? It is not cool. It is not stylish. It should not be worn!
3. Speedos - banana hammock. Nuff said? Maybe, but not in my rant world. Guys, women do not want to see your "stuff," your "junk", or your "member." Put on something that has more material than a SI swimsuit model covered only in paint.
4. Bracelets - I get the Livestrong bracelet. I get a Susan G. Komen breast cancer bracelet. I do not get 100 bracelets. I don't get 50 bracelets. Heck, I do not get 10 bracelets. Why? Are you really supporting every freaking cause in the world? If so, I have a bracelet for you. And some prime real estate in Florida. Please. Stop with the bracelets. I do not want to see any more bracelets. Oh, and wearing them with your suit does not dress them up. It just makes it look like you do not have enough style to take it off with your suit. I won't wear my nice watch with a t-shirt and shorts if you will take off your dang bracelets with your suit.
5. Front and back cleavage - no, not up top, down low. I do not want to see your frontal cleavage. I do not want to see your rear end cleavage. Pants should fit. Your under garments, if you wear them, should fit. And fit does not mean I can see every inch. A little cleavage up top - very nice. A lot of cleavage up top - even nicer. But, there should be no cleavage below the Mason-Dixon line. Please.
6. Sweater dresses - it should either be a sweater or a dress, not both. If you want to wear a sweater, put on some jeans or nice pants. If you want to wear a dress, great. Guys like dresses. Guys do not like sweater dresses. They are not attractive. Stop. Take it off. And if it looks like a sweater mini-dress, then it should be burned. Send it to me and I will take care of it for you!

Feel free to post a comment with your fashion no-nos. I am sure there are more out there.

Jim Calhoun Has (Basket)balls

By now, you may have heard of Jim Calhoun and his rant at a "Freelance journalist." I feel like we are brothers in rant. Of course, he makes $1.5 million per year and I make like a buck fifty per year, or a "buck fitty" if I decided to rap.

First, Jim Calhoun has balls. Big ones. Big basketballs. He told the guy to shut up. Admit it, you know you have wanted to be at work answering questions and tell someone to shut up. Just "Hey, you, shut up." I know I would. I talk to debt collectors and insurance adjusters. What better groups to tell shut up to? This young adjuster at Allied needs to be told it. But that is another rant.

Second, what was this deal with the freelance journalist? I guess I could be a freelance journalist. Seriously, what the hell is a freelance journalist? Sure, you can be a real freelance journalist but that means you must comply with JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS. Asking questions about a man's salary after he coached his basketball team to a win is not journalism - it is having no clue what you are doing. Seriously, the high school journalism teacher at my high school knew more than this guy.

Third, even if you want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, and I call him this guy because I haven't looked up his name, because who really cares, what was up with him attacking the other journalists? At one point, he said "I wouldn't have to ask these questions if these guys who do their jobs." Really? They are sports writers. They write about sports. They do not write about the salary of the coach or the state of the budget of the State of Connecticut. Sheesh.

So, the next time you rant, tip your cap to Jim Calhoun, the biggest balled ranter, er, the ranter with the biggest basketballs I know.

Octuplet Overload

Okay, so this lady, and I don't remember her name and don't care enough to look it up, had octuplets. You have heard about that. She had six kids and decided it would be a good idea to have more. She went to a crazy fertility doctor who implanted her with too many embryos and she ended up with eight babies.

So, how did she pay for this $100,000 or so treatment? She used money from her $165,000 disability settlement. Of course, that runs out. Oh, and she had her parents watch her other 6 kids. Of course, now they are being foreclosed on. Her first publicist quit after getting threats. That publicist worked for free. Brilliant move for that person. They got more pub than they could buy.

Octuplet mom now wants to go back to school to finish her master's degree. Sure. Right. Like that will happen. What is she going to do, go to school while her kids live in a cardboard box? No, wait, she is going to go on welfare. She already is on welfare.

Now, I don't have a problem with welfare for people who need it, but 14 kids? Really? You do not need welfare. You need to be fixed. Wait, it is called a tubal ligation. Being fixed is for animals. Of course, having 8 babies at once is like a litter so maybe she does need to be fixed.

So, now Oprah wants to talk to her. I am sure Katie Couric will want to talk to her. Hell, she needs ratings. Maybe Maury. Geraldo got going, but had to go open an empty vault. (The alliteration there is funny.)

This lady may be a moron for having 14 kids or 8 at a time. But, she is crazy like a fox. She is in the newspaper every day. Her name, whatever it is, is all over the internet. The tv folks want her. The radio folks want her. Hollywood wants to do the Hollywhore story, er, I mean the story of the woman who had 14 kids.

Look, you want 14 kids, do it the Duggar way. Have one at a time from the time you are 12 until you are 40. Then, when your youngest is born and your oldest is getting married, go on the honeymoon with your oldest. That's normal. Maybe, and here is an idea, you shouldn't have 14 kids. It makes no sense.

Really, it is dumb. Idiotic. Stupid. One kid is a lot of work. Two kids are not twice as much work, but two and a half times more work. Three kids is crazy. And that is doing it with two parents. You want to do this by yourself like you are some supermom. You can't even take care of your current kids. You need your parents to do that. And you have the audacity to have more kids? Sheesh.

14 kids means you are looking for TLC to do a show about you. Maybe you can enter your kids into Toddlers and Tiaras.

Hey, crazy octuplet mom, why don't you enter your kids into that? They can compete against each other. You would probably like that. Maybe your older kids, who are clearly going to be teased at school, would like to whoop on the octuplets in a pageant. You could use the money after all.

Here is my offer to you: I have $5 for you to leave. No, not leave LA. Stay there. Leave the press. Stop talking to the media. Get your parents to close the door, lock it and not open it again. I don't want to see them on tv. I don't want to see you on tv. I don't want to hear from any of you. I don't even want to read about you anymore. Stop. Go home. Leave us alone. Go take your 14 kids and pray every night that they grow up to be good citizens and not sponges on the system like you.

Auto Warranties

Okay, so I buy a car and it comes with a warranty. I get that. The warranty pays if something on the car breaks. It is good for a number of years and miles. Makes perfect sense. At some point in time, it expires. And therein lies the problem.

How come when my warranty expires, or gets close to expiring, does every Tom, Dick and Harry call me about a warranty? If I want to extend the warranty, I think I could figure out how. This thing called GOOGLE makes finding things like an extended warranty easy.

These folks call in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening. And it is always an automated call that is supposed to sound like the manufacturer. It is not. I know its not. Ford has no interest in calling me. They don't care that much if I buy an extended warranty. They would rather have my car break down and have me bring it to them. That makes Ford happy - not some cheap extended warranty.

And these extended warranties are always nonsense. They cover like six things. And those six things have to happen on a Wednesday between the 11th and the 15th of the month, sometime after 11:30am and before 11:31am. The repairs are only covered by Manny - not even Moe or Jack. And if the horn beeps twice, then there is no coverage at all. Sheesh.

Now these folks have gone to email. They think that people want to buy an extended warranty over email. Why? Why would I buy their spam when I won't buy anyone else's spam. No, the President of Nigeria is not going to send me $10,000,000. No, I did not win the Sierra Leone lottery. No, I do not want your POC warranty that provides me no coverage. No, no, no.

Stop selling your fake warranties. Or at least remove me from your list.

Dave Jones for Moron Commissioner

Okay, some background for those of you who do not know. Dave Jones is a former Sacramento City Councilmember and is being termed out of the State Assembly. Days after winning re-election in 2008, Jones announced he was running for Insurance Commissioner in 2010.

As his first attempt to start getting votes, Jones introduced AB 119. This bill would force health insurers to charge the same premium for men and women EVEN WHEN THE ACTUARIAL DATA SHOWS THAT WOMEN COST MORE. Okay, slow down. Insurance companies make money by charging premium, investing the premium, and then paying claims. Part of the profit is investments. Part of the profit is based on the premium covering the cost of a claim.

Actuarial data is the data insurance companies have on certain groups of people. For example, men under 25 have more auto accidents than women under 25. So, if you are a man, your auto insurance rates are higher. In health insurance, costs for women for treatment are higher than the costs for men. So, the premium should be higher according to the actual facts.

Jones, who either thinks he knows something about insurance or is afraid he will be out of job and unemployable if he does not have an elected position since he is part of the failure of California's government, thinks this bill is good. What happens? Either insurance companies start charging everyone the women's rate, which costs everyone more money, or he forces insurance companies to charge everyone the men's rate, and the insurance companies stop offering insurance.

Think this is far fetched? Most homeowners insurance companies threatened to do this after the Northridge earthquake. Allstate threatened it after the Dept. of Insurance told them to lower their rates.

Insurance companies are in the business of making money. They make money by providing insurance. If they cannot make money, they go out of business.

I am not sure if Dave Jones understands how insurance companies work. I am not sure if he has any clue as to how any business works. But, this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard from a politician. Okay, not the dumbest - Darrell Steinberg still takes that award. Hell, Karen Bass is second. The Governator is third. So, this is the fourth dumbest thing I have heard this year from a politician.

Dave Jones may be completely incompetent to run for insurance commissioner. Heck, that is not a surprised. Steve Poizner was not very qualified. Crookenbush, er, Quackenbush, was the least qualified. It seems to be a trend. But, Jones may be even more unqualified. He seems to want to pass a bill to put insurance companies out of business. That does not make him a good person for insurance commissioner. It makes him a moron.

There is a second option. He knows this is a bad idea. He is just putting it out there because he wants to get votes when he runs. He wants to look "consumer oriented." Now, as someone who is a consumer law attorney, and who likes consumers, I get that it helps to be consumer oriented. But, this is just pandering for votes. Why not walk down Stockton Blvd, a popular hangout for women of the night in Sacramento, and ask for votes? It is about the same thing.

Dave Jones - you should be ashamed of yourself. Drop out of the 2010 race now. You are an embarrassment to Democrats. No, to politicians. No, to people who think. Absolutely ridiculous.

California's Budget

Okay, so here we are on February 16, 2009. This is a day we celebrate great Presidents in our past. George Washington - the man who cut down the cherry tree and our first President. Abraham Lincoln - the man who freed the slaves and was a great orator.

Yet, those of us who live in California do not see greatness when we look at our state Capitol. We see a mess. A lack of leadership. People who can't seem to find their way out of a paperbag. How bad is it? These people think they should tax their way out of a recession!

Okay, I know I stopped studying economics in undergrad. But, last time I checked, when you tax people, they spend less. So, what do our leaders do? A 1% sales tax increase. Okay, not bad. Then a 12 cent per gallon increase on the gas tax. So, each gallon of gas, which is already crazy expensive, will now go up by another 12 cents. For a 10 gallon car, that is a $1.20 increase. If you fill that up 2 times per week, we have over $100 per year less money to spend.

This is a tax that impacts lower income people disproportionately. While many upper class people can afford an extra $100 per year, if you make 50% less, that impacts you greater. So, a $100 tax on someone make $100,000 per year is very small. The same $100 tax on someone who makes $25,000 is quite large.

Yet, our government thinks this is the way out of the budget. Lets make people give us more money so we have money to spend. Not sure if they are aware of this, but if I give them more money, I have less money to give to businesses. Less money to buy things means the recession drags on.

Then, these geniuses decide that they should link this tax to a special election. Yes, we are going to have a special election in May in California. Special elections cost money. Oh that's right - we don't have any. Why don't we have any? Because the legislators spent it all!

Now, I understand we need to raise revenue. I am not anti-tax. I am just anti-unreasonable tax. Almost doubling the gas tax is unreasonable.

I think we should tax legislators. Yes, we should take their income and double the tax they pay. And we should double the tax of every past legislator for the last 10 years. Sure, it may be unconstitutional, but then maybe these morons will understand that not doing their job properly was unconstitutional as well.

Okay, here is a better idea: all of that money that these folks keep in accounts to run for new office should go to the deficit. They raise millions and millions of dollars to run for a new office when they haven't even done their jobs. Lets take that money!

Look you folks who are sitting in the Capitol and sleeping there: you should have done this months ago, if not years ago. Don't cry to me, Karen Bass, because you can't get a deal done now. You waited too long. You have no power. You should resign, and not just as speaker, but from the Assembly. You too, Darrel Steinberg. Your time has past. You failed to do your job - protect the residents of the state of California. Instead, you padded your own pocketbook.

Every member of the California legislature should resign now so you don't go down in history as the most incompetent group of people to even run a state. Assuming its not too late for that!

Social Networking "Friends"

Okay, so we have Myspace, Friendster (are they still in business? does anyone use them?), Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Plaxo, Ning and a ton of other "social networking" sites. Why?

First, what is social networking? Are you networking socially? Is that different from networking anti-socially? I could see some guy sitting around in a room by himself trying to network. He wears all black, listens to NIN, and thinks he is cool. Wait, on second thought, maybe social networking on the computer is anti-social. It does not require you to actually talk to anyone, have a conversation or any human interaction. Computer geeks from the late 80s and early 90s have finally succeeded in finding a way to seem cool - they created the perfect networking for them.

Second, why are there so many? How is Myspace much different from Facebook or Friendster? Plaxo and LinkedIn could be cousins. Twitter is in its own little world. (That might be funnier if you knew that twitter limited you to 140 characters. Really, how much can you say in 140 characters.) Maybe we really just need two or three sites. Four at the most.

Twitter, by the way, is in a world by itself. Updates are called tweets. I thought it was only Rockin' Robin who tweeted. But, now thousands of people tweet. And they have, and I swear I am not making this up, tweetups. A tweetup is where twitter members (twitterers? twitterites? no wait, twits!!) get together in public meetings. I don't know if they actually talk there or if they still tweet with each other. Imagine 30 twitter folk sitting around updating their twitter profiles in 140 characters instead of talking!

Third, why does everyone think they need to be everyone's friend? I have almost 200 people following me on twitter. Most of my updates read like this: "49 days left...," "48 days left....," etc.... Of course, most of my followers have no idea what I am talking about. Yet, there they are reading it. Strange. Then I get friend requests from people who, as best as I can tell, are friends of friends, or even worse, friends of friends of friends. Why do these people care what I am doing? What do I care what they are doing? Heck, I barely care what the people I actually know in person are doing on Facebook. Why? Because I can just pick up the phone, call them and get an update.

Of course, social networking has its place. I have reconnected with people from elementary school who I would not have otherwise met. That part is cool.

So word to the wise: you don't really want to be my friend on any of these things. My next update on twitter is going to tell people that I blogged about twitter and tweets. Oh, and that I find it funny.

UPDATE: Sorry, I forgot: if you are a guy, do not randomly add women who are friends of your friends. That is just creepy. See my post about the Burger King guy for a description of how creepy it is. Especially when they are under 18! Can you say felony?

Facial Tattoos

I don't mind tattoos. I like them, in fact. Well, most of them. I like the ones that are done nicely. The ones that have meaning. Some 18 year old with a star on her forearm is not pretty, hot, sexy or anything else, except lame. But, there is something worse than an 18 year old with a lame tattoo.

The face tattoo. A face tattoo doesn't need to be of a face. No it is a tattoo on the face, or near the face, like the neck! Look, your face is not some place where you should get a tattoo. Okay, maybe Mike Tyson, but no one else.

The worst face tattoo, however, is the teardrop. Yes, that little teardrop. In some cultures, like ours, it means you whacked someone. Whacked as in killed. Killed as in murdered. Murdered as in wrongfully took the life of another person. And there you are, walking around with a teardrop on your face.

Sure, you haven't killed someone. You just thought it was a nice tattoo. You couldn't find anything else in the thousands of tattoos at the tattoo shop that you liked. So, you wanted to make it look like you were perpetually crying. Or you thought maybe you could grow up to be in a porn. I don't really know.

However, when I see someone with a teardrop tattoo it makes me think one thing: run. Run fast. Run, Forest, Run. This is why I drive a big vehicle - to get away from people who have teardrop tattoos. Fast. Or, if I cannot get away, to get over them.

Seriously folks, does anyone think it is a good look? Really? It means you killed someone. Sheesh. Stop with the teardrop tattoos. They should be banned.

McDonalds' Drive Thru

Okay, so I was getting some Mickey D's the other day for dinner. I know, it is not good for me. Well, with a sick wife and kids at home, sometimes you have to do it. And their fries are the best. The best, readers, the best. (Seinfeld reference)

There is a car in front of me. Apparently, they did not know what to order at McDonalds. Now, I know they have increased their menu recently and you can now get salad or a parfait, but really, is it that hard? Burger, burger with 2 meat patties, burger with cheese, two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onion on a sesame seed bun, McNuggets, chicken crispers, or a chicken sandwich. That is about it. They have like 8 items in various combinations.

But these folks cannot figure it out. They finally order. Great. So, it is my turn. I place my order. Easy enough - two happy meals, hamburger, plain with lemonade. Simple enough. I pull up to window 1 and pay. I still do not know why there are two windows, but there are. I go up to window 2. They offer me salt.

What? Salt? Yes, salt. NaCl. I don't know if you have had the burger that Ronald built lately, but salt is the last thing it needs. And the fries are great. Why? Because of the salt. And they want me to put more salt on it. If there were any more salt, it would taste like the Morton's factory. Seriously.

Hamburgler - I like the food. Hold the extra salt though!

Enough with baseball!

Okay, so I get that baseball was America's Pasttime. Emphasis on was. But, please, stop. Stop with the stories of steroids. Stop with A-Rod. Stop with Bonds. Please, I am begging you, stop!

We get it. Baseball players took steroids. It was cheating. Well, not technically, since MLB did not have a policy against roiding up! They then lied about it - a lot. Then they lied about lying about it. Then they decided not to talk to Congress and to focus on the future. So what?

Is anyone surprised that Barry Bonds took steroids? I mean, flaxseed oil. His head went from the size of my head to needing specially made hats that were 2 hats sewn together. His arms looked like thighs. His things looked like Yugos. That is not natural.

Now we find out that A-Rod took roids. Well, we think he did. He admits doing it from 2001 to 2003. But, this is after he lied to Sports Illustrated and that esteemed journalist - Katie Couric. Now he says he did it for 3 years because he had to live up to the pressure of having signed a $252 million contract. That's pressure? Really? Dude, try working 8 to 5, coming home to your kids, then going out on your 2nd job just to pay the bills. That is pressure. Getting paid to play a kid's game? That's not pressure. That's you being lame.

McGwire? Roided up. Canseco? At least he man'd up and admitted it. 103 players failed steroid tests in the first part of this decade. Not all of them were named in the Mitchell Report.

Now Miguel Tejada says that he lied to Congress. He even pled to a misdemeanor. The GM of the Houston Astros, Tejada's employer, says it has been a bad week for sports. For sports? Really? WRONG! It has been a bad week for liars.

Look, baseball is full of cheaters. And most Americans do not care. More people attend baseball games every year. Profits are up. The MLB network has started.

But, baseball is not America's Pasttime. Name the top 20 baseball players in the country. I can't. When I was 8, 9, 10, even 15, I could name the top 50. But, people go watch baseball, without caring about it. Why? Because the players are not friendly, not approachable, and cheaters. So, we watch it like we watch wrestling - to see what happens with no buy in to the players.

By the way, nice job MLB Players Union. You never destroyed the tests from the first part of this decade? What were you thinking? Oh wait, you weren't. You failed your members. You should all be fired - and forced to return your salaries. You were clearly sleeping on the job. Maybe you were roided up too and needed a nap!

Marijuana Smokers Against Kellogg

By now you have heard about Michael Phelps and the bong, er, pot pipe, er, pipe to smoke legal tobacco only and for entertainment purposes only. He was at the University of South Carolina, which by the way is not USC, that is in Southern California. He smoked from a pipe and someone took a picture. The picture made it public. There was an outcry - "Oh my gosh, a 22 year old smoking dope." Kellogg pulled its sponsorship of Phelps. (I make no moral judgment on Phelps or what he did. I make no moral judgment on Kellogg or what it did either.)

So, now NORML and a few of its friends are urging a boycott of Kellogg by pot smokers. They want the potheads to call Kellogg and let them know what they think. I think it would go something like this:

Kellogg (K): Kellogg customer service. How may I help you?
Pothead (PH): Hey, dude, I am calling to, er, hold on a sec....
(aside to a friend - Dude, what is that word I want to say? Friend: Chef Boyardee. No wait, Burger King. No, boy cod. That's it - boycott.)
PH: I am calling to let you know I am going to boycott Kellogg because, hold on, my turn on the pipe (inhaling sound heard on the phone). Uh, dude, where was I? Oh, that's right. I am going to....
K: Excuse me, sir, what are you talking about?
PH: I have the munchies now. I need some food. Do you have food?
K: Sir, this is Kellogg customer service in Battle Creek, Michigan. Our company makes food.
PH: Food sounds good. Do you have any munchies?
K: Sir, we make snack foods. I highly recommend many of our snack products.
PH: That sounds good. Oh wait, I know. I called to let you know I am going to, er, Chef Boyardee you. No, dude, that is not right. I mean, boycott you.
K: Sir, why are you boycotting me?
PH: Well, dude, it is not you. It is your company.
K: What company is that, sir?
PH: I don't remember. Are you with the DEA?
K: Sir, I am with Kellogg customer service. What can I help you with?
PH: BOYCOTT! BOYCOTT! BOYCOTT!
K: I can offer you a free box of Toasty Crackers with Peanut Butter if you give me your name and address.
PH: Dude, free munchies. Make it two boxes and you have a deal.
K: That is fine sir.

Imagine the potheads who want their munchies so bad that they are going to boycott Kellogg. Really? You care that much about Michael Phelps losing one sponsorship? How many potheads even know who Phelps is? Sure, they probably know the Flying Tomato, but Phelps? I didn't know that swimming and pot mixed.

Memo to potheads, er, those people who like to partake of marijuana: GET OVER IT! Phelps is and you should be too!

Toddlers and Flippin Tiaras

Okay, I get that there are people with different ideas. I am fine with that. I have friends who see things differently than me. Well, most of my friends. Some friends see things the exact same way as me! And you know who you are, MB! Don't try to hide it.

But, there are some things that are just wrong. I was watching TLC over the weekend and the worst show in the history of television came on - Toddlers and Tiaras. Here is the description from TLC's website:
******************************************************************************

On any given weekend, on stages across the country, little girls and boys parade around wearing makeup, false eyelashes, spray tans and fake hair to be judged on their beauty, personality and costumes. Toddlers and Tiaras follows families on their quest for sparkly crowns, big titles, and lots of cash.

The preparation is intense as it gets down to the final week before the pageant. From hair and nail appointments, to finishing touches on gowns and suits, to numerous coaching sessions or rehearsals, each child preps for their performance. But once at the pageant, it's all up to the judges and drama ensues when every parent wants to prove that their child is beautiful.

*******************************************************************************
Okay, so where to start? First, boys? There are boys in these pageants. By the way, by pageant I mean train wreck. And by train wreck, I mean Danny Bonaduce's life looks normal compared to these people! Boys? Fake eyelashes? Fake hair? Seriously? Thankfully, I saw no boys on the episode I watched.

Second, oh wait, there was a boy. Well, a man who said he was a pageant dad. A pageant dad? Now, I get soccer moms and their appeal. But can any woman who is reading this actually say to me that she has any interest in a pageant dad? Dude shows up on the show and is proud that he can't change a tire, but can make a pretty dress. FOR HIS 2 YEAR OLD! Really? 2? Your 2 year old can barely walk, but you want to put her in a pageant. Why? Why, I say, why?

Third, at least she had a dad. None of the other contestants seemed to have a father in their lives. Now, there isn't necessarily wrong with that, but.........

Fourth, these moms were competing AGAINST their children. Yes, the moms and the daughters were competing against each other. I cannot come up with a time when I would compete against any of my kids in anything. Sure, a game of billiards when I am old and they want to talk. But, something like this? Sorry. My competitive days like that are behind me - way behind me. If you think you need to compete against your kid in something like this, you need serious help. And not Dr. Laura help, but padded room help!

Fifth, these folks are blind - or dumb, or both. I don't know. One woman, who was apparently 47, decided to compete in the swimsuit competition. Okay, her "pageant friend" told her the swimsuit made her look tall and thin. Really? If by thin you mean her thighs look like little pigs and not cows. Seriously. Go watch the episode. She had elastic on the end of her swimsuit that turned her legs into sausages, or maybe even snausages!

Sixth, these folks think they are in a real competition. They have "two a days" like they are playing football. They practice several times a day for their "talent." They had no talent. None. Seriously, my left foot is more talented and I can't do much with that foot. Just ask anyone I have kicked with it!

Okay, this is the worst show - ever. Period. Celebrity Boxing was better. Watching a juiced up A-Roid hit home runs would be better. Watching Seattle sports would be better. Whoever at TLC approved this show should be taken out back and fired. Now!