Baseball Dad or Soccer Dad

Okay, this isn't a rant about the guy who plays baseball. Although, there is something to be said of CPAs and lawyers and social workers playing baseball. Those guys take it so seriously. Very seriously. But the next group who takes it seriously: the guys who think that by coaching sports they make up for the fact that they cannot play sports.

Yes, you, Mr. I want to coach the World Cup team so I can tell everyone I know about sports. Look, not to brag, but my right leg is more athletic than you. Seriously. Not my left leg, but definitely my right leg. I think I could hop faster than you can run. How can you tell this guy?

1. He talks about his competitive days. He will make claims about 8 hour tests. He will listen to you talking to your buddies and then come over and brag about how he did something better. You ran a half marathon? He ran a full marathon - and back. You biked 20 miles one day? He does a century before 5am. You broke a board with a kick? He broke a concrete wall - by looking at it.

2. His wife is never seen. Oh, he is married and has kids, but you don't see the wife. She is the soft spoken kind. Why? Well, either he bought her in Russia or some other 3rd world country or he has explained to her that she can do nothing without his permission. She will occasionally show up, but only so everyone can see she is a real person. She will not talk, and when she does, it is looking at your feet.

3. His kids are not athletic, but that is not their fault. It is his fault, since it is his sperm! At all. In any way. Seriously, the trampoline would give them trouble. Walking and chewing gum takes tremendous mental focus for them. They have a difficult time not only figuring out how to throw, but they are barely coordinated enough to throw up.

4. He has big toys. Face it - he is compensating for something. Maybe he drives the Hummer. Maybe he bought the Escalade and than raised it up, although that would mean he cannot get in it without making a fool of himself. He has the latest cell phone or some other techy thing. Yes, it is called COMPENSATION!

5. He recruits kids to his sports team. Yes, recruits. And I do not mean like USC recruiting OJ Mayo. I mean, he is trying to find 6 year olds and 7 year olds to play on his sports team. And his motivation? To beat you. And not the generic you, but you the guy who he thinks he is more athletic than. He wants to prove it to you. He wants everyone to see how great his team is. Really? If you ask anyone to play on your team and they are under 14, you are a big, fat, dumb, moronic, wannabe Spice Girl. (Don't ask, it sounded like it would work. It clearly didn't, but think of my analogies like baseball: .300 ain't bad!) Recruiting little kids to your sports team is a waste of time and energy and means you need hobbies - and a ****.

Am I wrong?

Enough with baseball!

Okay, so I get that baseball was America's Pasttime. Emphasis on was. But, please, stop. Stop with the stories of steroids. Stop with A-Rod. Stop with Bonds. Please, I am begging you, stop!

We get it. Baseball players took steroids. It was cheating. Well, not technically, since MLB did not have a policy against roiding up! They then lied about it - a lot. Then they lied about lying about it. Then they decided not to talk to Congress and to focus on the future. So what?

Is anyone surprised that Barry Bonds took steroids? I mean, flaxseed oil. His head went from the size of my head to needing specially made hats that were 2 hats sewn together. His arms looked like thighs. His things looked like Yugos. That is not natural.

Now we find out that A-Rod took roids. Well, we think he did. He admits doing it from 2001 to 2003. But, this is after he lied to Sports Illustrated and that esteemed journalist - Katie Couric. Now he says he did it for 3 years because he had to live up to the pressure of having signed a $252 million contract. That's pressure? Really? Dude, try working 8 to 5, coming home to your kids, then going out on your 2nd job just to pay the bills. That is pressure. Getting paid to play a kid's game? That's not pressure. That's you being lame.

McGwire? Roided up. Canseco? At least he man'd up and admitted it. 103 players failed steroid tests in the first part of this decade. Not all of them were named in the Mitchell Report.

Now Miguel Tejada says that he lied to Congress. He even pled to a misdemeanor. The GM of the Houston Astros, Tejada's employer, says it has been a bad week for sports. For sports? Really? WRONG! It has been a bad week for liars.

Look, baseball is full of cheaters. And most Americans do not care. More people attend baseball games every year. Profits are up. The MLB network has started.

But, baseball is not America's Pasttime. Name the top 20 baseball players in the country. I can't. When I was 8, 9, 10, even 15, I could name the top 50. But, people go watch baseball, without caring about it. Why? Because the players are not friendly, not approachable, and cheaters. So, we watch it like we watch wrestling - to see what happens with no buy in to the players.

By the way, nice job MLB Players Union. You never destroyed the tests from the first part of this decade? What were you thinking? Oh wait, you weren't. You failed your members. You should all be fired - and forced to return your salaries. You were clearly sleeping on the job. Maybe you were roided up too and needed a nap!