What the BLEEP is wrong with you BLEEPING BLEEPERS?

(WARNING: THIS RANT IS FILLED WITH PROFANITY. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT APPROVE OF THAT LANGUAGE!)

As much as I wanted to make fun of State Sen. Ted Lieu, and I did, I am going to have to postpone that to make fun of some other douchebags first.

So I was at the park today. I was there with 6 little kids. They ranged from 2 to 14. Fine, 14 isn't little, but they were 2, 3, 4, 9, 11 and 14. So little enough! There is a nice park. There is, unfortunately, also a softball field there. As we get to the playground, there is a group of 15 guys and a few women on the softball field taking batting practice. FOR SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL!

Don't even get me started on why you need batting practice for slow pitch softball. I am pretty sure I can hit a slow pitch softball and I haven't swung a bat in over a decade. Its a freaking big yellow ball. It goes higher than your head at about 2 mph. Then it comes down and you SWING THE FUCKING BAT. Its not rocket science. Seriously, if anyone reading this is offended and thinks I can't do it, I will put up $20 to your favorite charity if I can't hit the ball 8 times out of 10. If I do it, you owe me $20 to my favorite charity. Any takers? OF COURSE NOT! Its slow pitch softball.

Anyway, here is the conversation that I had the joy of listening to:

Pitcher "Come on, bitch, lets see how you do it."
(At this point, I am looking around for a female dog, but all I see are other morons on the field.)
Batter "Fuck you man. I can hit this shit."
Pitcher "I dont think you can hit my shit."
Batter "Let me see what you got bitch."

The batter then hits the ball, a grounder, to the 3rd base side. At which point I hear "FUCK!" This is followed by a few more swings at the BIG YELLOW BALL, followed by "FUCK" a bit louder every time. After the fourth fuck, which is different from the fourth fucking, which, lets face it, would be pretty sweet, unless they are slow pitch softball dudes doing the fucking (those guys have really big guts and really small pricks), I say "Could you watch the language please? There are little kids over here."

One would then realize that I am a moron. Why would softball guy possibly watch his language? After all, he thinks SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL is a sport. So the douchebag batter, dressed in his red t-shirt, shorts that go way past his knees and look like he is wearing kulat pants, and matching red shoes (yes, softball dude has his shoes match his oversized t-shirt which is covering his oversized gut), with his red hat, turned backwards of course, yells "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Then he takes another swing, hits another ball like he is a 10 year old girl, wait, that isn't nice to 10 year old girls, I am sure some of them can hit the ball better, and does it again. And again. And again. He apparently thought this was funny.

Let me be clear. I have some friends who play slow pitch softball. They are nice guys. These idiots are completely different. Here is your average slow pitch softball idiot who drops the f-bomb after every swing of his bat:

He is about 27 years old, not surprisingly single, he wears a 42 inch waist on his capris, er, shorts, he has at least one Home Depot orange bucket of balls to make up for his own lack of balls, 6 bats in a special bag in case he breaks AN ALUMINUM BAT, has a 2" dick, and has a vocabulary so small that he is blown away that I had two different words to describe his stupidly long shorts. These guys generally dive trucks that they raised to make up for their small wieners, drive too fast to try to impress women who have no interest in them, and havent actually fucked since senior prom when they had to invite a sophomore to get a date (and to get laid). He hasn't played a sport since he was 12 and even then he sucked so badly his main job was to get water for the rest of the team.

So, dear softball fuckhead, please shut your fucking shithole of a mouth. The world would be a better place without the shit that comes out of your piece of crap mouth. You couldn't put together a complete fucking sentence if I offered you $5 and a picture of a naked lady. Hell, you haven't seen a naked lady other than on the fuck-net, er, internet, and you couldn't get laid if you paid a whore $2,000 because not even she wants your small, ball-less dick in her. So please go back to practicing your pansy-ass game without bothering the rest of the world. And, please do so quietly since even the birds fly the fuck away when you start dropping your profanity as if you are a real man.  Your slow pitch softball skills suck the big one and its not even a real sport. Shut the fuck up and find something productive to do with your days!

Sincerely,

Me

An Actual Conversation at Nordstrom

This was an actual conversation I overheard at Nordstrom at Roseville Galleria yesterday. Let me set the scene:

A guy walks into the men's department. Our hero, as we will call him, is wearing Reef sandals, the green ones with soccer balls on them, khaki shorts, and a black t-shirt. He is alone, checking out the sale items. He spends about 5 minutes walking through the department, looking at the shirts and pants. There are employees around. He walks up to a table of AG Jeans. He starts to peruse the selection. He looks left - nothing. He looks right - two employees talking about the weather, a coworker or other such nonsense.He looks left again - still nothing. He looks right again - two employees are still talking about the weather, a coworker or more nonsense. They look up, he gets a feeling of hope. They look at him, turn slightly, and continue their conversation.

Hero: "Gosh, I wish I could get some help............"
Employee: (DEAD SILENCE)
Employee 2: (DEAD SILENCE)
Employee 3: (DEAD SILENCE)
Employee 4: (DEAD SILENCE)
Employee 5: (DEAD SILENCE)

Our hero leaves, emptyhanded, solely because he cannot get someone to help him figure out which freaking pants are loose fit!

Yes, lets be clear. There was a guy in a store that sells ridiculously expensive jeans. He was looking to buy a pair. But, since jeans aren't called "loose fit" or "relaxed fit" anymore, but rather have names like "The Smith" or "The Barnaby Jones" or "The Bieber" (okay, fine, so the 90 year old would know that The Bieber is a ridiculously skinny pair of skinny jeans that no man should wear), he couldn't figure out which pair to buy. He needed help. That is, at least in this man's opinion, the job of the employee.

I don't care if someone comes in an $800 suit or a $10 t-shirt and shorts, they should get the same help. But, alas, this doesn't seem to be the case. So, at least for now, our hero will be looking elsewhere for his jeans!

Do you want to DOMINATE the law?

I don't either. I didn't think the law was something that was dominated. Well, maybe in San Francisco in some backroom off of a dark alley. I could see it being dominated there. You know, Mistress Beth or something like that dominating the law. Oh, don't tell me you don't get it. You get it. And its funny.

This morning I woke up to an email from the director of marketing for "Dominate Law." Their phone number is 855.2CRUSH1. How cute is that. Its like 1980 and they need an 800 number for people to call. Apparently, they think attorneys pay for their calls and we need to call a toll free number in order to save that FREE LONG DISTANCE that every person born after 1945 has. What the hell? 2 crush 1? Really? And are we supposed to remember that. This, my friends, is a sign of their marketing skills. They will help you get a memorable toll free number like 855.MYFIRMROCKS or 855.THEYSUCK or 855.IAMTHEBEST or maybe 855.IDONTPUTMYPANTSONONELEGATATIMEBECAUSEIAMAWESOME. (Wait, that could be my new favorite hashtag! #IDONTPUTMYPANTSONONELEGATATIMEBECAUSEIAMAWESOME) Maybe, they get me 855.MYSHITDONTSTINK. You see the possibilities here? I mean, I should just run right out and call them!

Then I see that they will help me crush my competition. No offense, I don't have competition. I want very specific cases. Cases that the other attorneys don't take for whatever reason. I don't compete with these folks over cases. Besides, if someone calls me and I am not the right attorney for them, I would tell them that. "Hey, look, I think you have an interesting case, but you really need to call Mr. Jones." I think give them Mr. Jones' phone number. Why? Because I am not the right attorney for everyone and they are not the right clients for me. So I dont want to crush anyone.

But, if I did want to crush anyone, would I then be a new member of Kids in the Hall? (Okay, so this reference may be a bit out there for some of you. Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eVJyYXailw and now you know where it came from!) Seriously, I am going to drop boulders on them. Am I going to use my super human strength to break them? What the hell is crushing my competition anyway?

Then they tell me I can be THE ONE dominant legal professional in my area. I can be? Really? THE ONE? Like I am now in The Matrix. I am the ONE! You are not the ONE. You must bow down and treat me as special because Dominate Law is going to make me THE ONE! I shall yell it from the rooftops. I shall be the one and only. I am special. And if you think you are the one now, you are wrong. You are going to be THE TWO once 2 CRUSH 1 happens. Don't you see how cute this is?

Seriously, its like Ron Popeil. But, wait, theres more? If you order now, we will not only make you THE ONE, but we will CRUSH anyone else. And for a limited time, we will make you DOMINATE the world. Then quietly, you hear the legalese "We may spam people from time to time to help you be the one or crush someone, but if you want to dominate, whats a little violation of the CAN SPAM act between friends?"

I mean, they found me by spamming me. I never signed up for their crappy newsletter. I never reached out to them. They emailed me offering me their ridiculous claims that I could dominate or crush or dance a jig barefoot and naked while running down I-5 in 80mph traffic and not get crushed. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Are lawyers really that dumb? Do people fall for this nonsense? Does anyone really think that some Canadian company a) knows how to crush anyone and b) can dominate at anything other than curling or most times using the word "eh" in a conversation? Seriously.

This is BS. These folks probably don't even know how to spell Stein, let alone do any marketing for me. So, Dominate Law, how about when you stop spamming people, then I will consider looking at your website for more than 2 minutes only to find reasons to mock you?