I am not an asshole

I was called an asshole yesterday. Yeah, there are times I can be an asshole. I am an asshole to debt collectors. I have been an asshole at other times. Sometimes, I deserve to be called an asshole. But, yesterday, I was not an asshole.

Look, I run a business for a living. I charge people money. I don't apologize for that. Nor should I. A little story........... (And don't aww me or tell me how amazing I am. I am not amazing. I don't want to hear that crap. This is just to give you background.)

I graduated from college in 4 years. As it is now, it was a time when not a lot of people got out in 4 years. I took over 20 units my last semester to get out in 4 years. That included tutoring, an internship, and a job. We had a mortgage to pay, after all.

I got a job out of college. I worked hard at it. 3 years and 3 months after starting that job, I earned my CPCU. (Google it.) Back then, the CPCU was 10 essay exams. Essays. For hours. It also required 3 years of work experience. Do the math. It was tough.

Then, a year later, I started law school. 4 years. At night. While working full time. Kids came in years 2 and 4. 4 am feedings. Late nights after school. Very little sleep. It was stressful on me. It was more stressful on my wife. It was stressful on my kids. Do you know how many vacations I took while in law school? 1. 1 actual vacation.

I took the bar exam after graduation. Passed on my 1st try. I had surgery the next day. 2 months after the bar exam, my dad died. He never saw me get sworn in. It has been almost 11 years since I was sworn in. Do you know how many actual vacations I have taken in those 11 years? I mean a "let's not work and take time off for more than a weekend" type vacations. Wanna guess? 2.

3 vacations in 15 years. Sometimes, it sucks. I don't get a steady paycheck. I don't get vacation time. I don't get PTO. Benefits? Yeah, I pay full price for those. And you know what, I wouldn't change it.

Don't pity me. I don't pity me. I wouldn't change this. I haven't missed any of my kid's events. I have been there when they need me. Heck, I picked up my elementary school kid by walking to his school on Friday. Its the life I chose. I get it.

But I don't work for free. I have a wife to support. I have 4 kids to support. I have a mortgage to pay. I have bills to pay.

Yes, I take pro bono cases. But I make that decision, not you. If you ask for free help, my response is generally no. If you expect me to help you for free, my answer is fuck no.

So, imagine my surprise when a "friend" mails papers to my house with a note that she expects me to take care of her lawsuit. Yeah, I don't do that. Not to my business. No phone call. No request. No offer to pay. An envelope with a copy of a lawsuit and a note that told me to deal with it. My response: a letter to her telling her I don't represent her. This is what I would send to anyone who sends me unsolicited papers or assumes I will represent them without signing a fee agreement. It is fairly standard.

Yesterday, this "friend's" partner came up to me, in front of my 4 year old and other adults, and called me an asshole. This is wrong on so many levels. 

First, who calls someone an asshole in front of other adults? You don't know those people. You don't know how I know these people. Maybe they are friends. Maybe they are clients. Maybe it is someone who is interviewing me. But now, suddenly, I have to explain why you called me an asshole. Thankfully, these folks ignored it, as most of us would do. But you don't do that to someone.

Second, who calls someone an asshole in front of that person's kids? My daughter is 4. You want to call me an asshole in front of her? I am pretty sure that makes you the asshole. Of course, I didn't say that back because, well, I don't curse in front of kids, especially 4 year olds. That is simply idiotic and moronic.

Third, this was at a temple. You are going to use profanity at a place of worship? Really? That doesn't seem very god like. I mean, you are in God's holy place and you think dropping a little profanity is the way to go. Who taught you this?

Fourth, why, exactly, am I an asshole? Because I won't represent you for free. Do you expect your doctor to treat you for free? Your dentist? Is your landlord supposed to give you a break too? When do you think you should pay for services?

Yes, I have asked a friend for a favor before. Hey, can you pull a title on this house? Hey, can you give a friend an insurance quote. But, a) I refer these people business and b) it usually is a precursor to paying them. Oh, and it never involves more than a few minutes and I sure as hell wouldn't ask a real estate friend to sell my house for free. Once an attorney gets involved in litigation, its not easy to get out.

Look, folks, attorneys are people too. We have families. We have bills. Just because you know us doesn't mean we are obligated to help you for free. If you want help, offer to pay us. Sure, we may say no. I know I have done that a few times. But at least fucking offer to pay me. Don't assume I will work for free. And sure as heck don't call me names when I won't.

This is how I support my family. It is not a crime. I should not be ashamed. I am not going to be embarrassed or bullied about it. I busted my ass. The reward is that I get to run my own business. If our friendship is built on you thinking you can get something for nothing from me, go fuck yourself. And don't talk to me again.

On manhood

Okay, so its not often I get involved in something that is current. Normally, I am ripping on idiots or making fun of some schmuck at the store. Sometimes, I make fun of some current "star" like when I mocked Michael Phelps' pot use or rap like Pitbull. (Dude still needs a new name. He is a freaking moron and can't sing! I am sure my raps are better than his!!) But, today, I need to weigh in on something that is bothering me. Men!

Did you know a study came out a few months ago about men? Yep. Some fool studied how much sex men get who do "women's chores." You don't believe me? Read it here: http://thelibertarianrepublic.com/study-men-womens-chores-get-less-sex/ Seriously, this was a real study. Some morons paid these people to study what kind of man gets more sex. How this affects the world or makes the world a better place, I have no idea. But the conclusion is that we need socialized gender roles, apparently.

Then my wife told me about some story she read on Huffington Post. I looked it up. Dude is "Daddy Doin' Work." Here is his website: http://daddydoinwork.com/ I don't know him, but there is some good stuff there. You should read it. Now. Go read it. Then come back here.

He was apparently attacked for a picture of him doing his daughter's hair with a baby in a baby carrier. Let me be clear on this: FUCK THAT! (No, not him. The people who attacked him. Maybe that wasn't clear enough.)

You know what I think of all of this? Its nonsense. Its all garbage. Its not worth the paper it was written on. (Or the typing spent writing this crap.) Let me give you my thoughts. 

What did you do this weekend? Beats the hell out of me. What did I do this weekend? I baked a pie. I cleaned the house. I watched the kids. I coached wrestling. I played soccer. I took my kids to breakfast. I went shopping at Target. I hung out with my daughter.

I just don't get it. Why do we need to have these ridiculous rules? We didn't have them when I was growing up.We didn't have anyone tell us we had to be real men and women had to be real women.

I was a little kid when I heard stories of my mom's dad. He was a "man." He was tough. He ate horse. Seriously. My grandfather ate horse. He was a boxer. He was a tough guy. In his 80s, I am sure he could still have kicked the crap out of me. He always looked like a boxer. He owned a laundromat. He sold Disney vacations or something like that. But he was a man. No one would have ever questioned that my grandfather was a man's man.

Then there was my dad. I found out my dad was a bad ass when he was growing up. He would kick the crap out of people.  There was always a good reason. Usually, those reasons had to do with my uncle getting in trouble and my dad having to fix it. He also was a chemist and a very good businessman. Smartest guy I ever knew. He would mow the lawn and take care of his family. My dad was a man's man as well.

Then, in the early 2000s, suddenly a man was something different. We had that Queer Eye for the Straight Guy show. Suddenly a real man was someone who shaved his whole body. Yeah, lets just be clear. I never shaved my whole body. Ever. Nope. But a man also had to be able to cook and clean. He had to groom daily. He had to have some "soft side." It was all the rage to be a metrosexual. I still don't know what that word means. But men were suddenly all metrosexual. At least, if you wanted to be "cool" you were a metrosexual. I guess I wasn't cool!

Now, we want to go back to men doing men things and women doing women things. What the hell does that mean? Am I supposed to tell my daughter she can't play with cars and trucks? Are my boys not allowed to learn to cook? I am so confused by all of this.

Here is what I know. A man takes care of his family. Maybe he works two jobs. I went to law school at night while working full time. Sucked. Yep. I was up at 4am to feed the baby (we had two), was in the office by 5, worked, came home so my wife could go to work, then left to go to school when she came home. Did I enjoy it? Nope. But it was necessary for my family.

Maybe a man makes sacrifices that we don't know about. I didn't know my dad overmedicated for his Parkinson's disease until he died. He wanted to provide for his family. So, understanding the risks, he took the medication necessary to work and provide for us. That was his choice. Right or wrong, in hindsight, makes no difference. A man will step up and do what is needed to take care of his family.

So here is what I tell all of these geniuses: fuck off. You guys are crazy. All of you. Men don't have to be tough guys, but we can be. I can still throw a punch to knock someone out. I can still wrestle. I can still play soccer. Sure, I am older, but I can still do it. I can run, I can do yard work, I can build something.

But, I can also cook. I can bake. I can clean. I can hold my daughter when she cries. I can throw on a suit and look better than you. Yep, its true.

I can do all of those things. I don't have to pick. Nor should I pick. I can go grab a beer with the guys and have discussions that I would never talk about. I can also take my wife to a nice dinner and wine and dine her. I can take her on a date.

If you think we have to pick, you are an idiot who has never had to be a real man. Real men do it all.