So today is it. Its the day I have dreaded for the last 365 days. Its 1 year since my mom died. Its 1 year since I lost my last parent. I dont have any more. And it sucks.
I sit here and I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel...........something. I am not quite sure what it is. I have had a full range of emotions today. I have had tears in my eyes. I have had rage and wanted to kick the crap out of someone. I still do want to kick the crap out of him. I felt happy, nostalgia. I dont know what it is.
I think I feel scared. Its odd. I bet if you took a poll of people who know me, people wouldnt guess that. Hell, I talked to 30, 40 people today. I bet none of them knew there was an issue. But, my dad died at 62. My mom at 70. What the hell? Its not like these were freak accidents or something that can be explained. Heart attack. Cancer. What does that mean for my future? Am I really down to 30 or so years? Less than that?
I dont know what to think. I have no family, other than my wife and kids. (Yes, they are my family, but you know what I mean.) My sister is dead. My brother doesnt talk to me. My aunts and uncles think I am the devil. Hell, not even my cousins like me. I dont know what it is. Wait, yes, I do. They dont like the decisions I have made. Well, fuck them. I dont always like the decisions I have made either. But they are my fucking decisions.
They all sit and judge me. Jon didnt do this right, Jon didnt do that right. Well, walk a fucking mile in my shoes. Hell, walk half a mile. My dad understood my decisions. I knew when he passed away life would get more difficult with my mom. Its not her. Its us. She and I. We are both stubborn and both know we are always right. Well, sometimes being right is stupid. I know that know. I didnt know that 10 years ago. Live and learn, right?
So I sit here. The Zombies came on the radio. (If you dont know who they are, listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfwFpRnOeGg) I thought back to my high school days, driving my dad to the beach, listening to his oldies. I miss those days. They are gone, gone, gone.
So I dont know. Am I supposed to sit here and cry? Am I supposed to think back to the good times and smile? My mom once bought me a candy bar because I had to have a thorn taken out of my freaking foot. That was funny. My dad once caught me ditching school - I did it one freaking time and I got caught. But he let it go. I sit here now and I dont know what to do.
Its been a year. I miss my mom. Strange, since we were never that close. But I miss her. I miss knowing she was there. I miss knowing that she was around.
What the fuck? Is this how it is supposed to be? I feel bad for my wife and kids. I havent been pleasant the last few days. And Monday is my dad's 72nd birthday. But I wont be with my wife because of some fucking piece of crap attorney who cant fucking read the English language but could pass the bar exam.
So I sit and sit and think. And I cry a bit. And I miss them. And I worry. And I realize life will go on. It may get easier. It may not. But life goes on................Oh, and I am one lucky dumbass sometimes for having an amazing wife, great kids and friends who put up with me nonsense.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Some thoughts
I was driving home this evening and I had some thoughts. I was getting sad and I wasn't quite sure why. Or, as is more likely, I didn't want to admit why.
Its been over a year since I last saw my mom - ever. I won't be able to see her anymore. I guess in pictures. I guess in my memories. Her taking me to soccer games. Her at my wedding. Things like that. But I can't call her up and talk to her. I can't say hi. I can't tell her anything.
Now, we weren't close since my dad died. But she was still my mom. And she still IS my mom, but she isn't here. It sucks.
And do you know what makes it suck more? Attorneys. Lawyers. Cocksuckers at law. Okay, not every attorney. I have a few attorneys who are friends, a few more who are acquaintances, some who I just know and don't hate. But do you know how many assholes go into the legal profession?
Let me see if I can count............1,000, 2,000, 3,000, more. I can't even count. And apparently they have all decided to be on th opposite end of cases I take. I guess its my luck. Or bad luck. Or crappy luck.
Why are these folks assholes? Are they born that way? No. I don't think they are. I think it comes down to two other factors.
1. They have no actual real life experience. They went to high school, worked at making crappy , greasy pizza, then went to college where they smoked more dope than I have seen in my life, then went to law school where they drank like fish - and I don't mean water. These folks think the JD after their names means they are bad-asses. It doesnt. The JD means nothing other than you were dumb enough to keep going to school after you graduated from college. Or you couldn't get a job and had to go back to school to avoid paying back your student loans so you decided law school was the way to go. Why law school? Because business schools wouldn't take you because you didnt have any real world experience. Its jackasses who think that they graduated college so they are automatically qualified to go to law school that act this way.
2. These folks know no pain. To them, their life is one big fucking party. They have never lost someone they loved. They have never experienced the death of a parent, a child, a spouse. They have never dealt with pain. Because those of us who have dealt with loss, we know that there is no point in being a fucking loser to other human beings. I may occasionally be a pain in the ass to a debt collector. I may jerk with them once in a while. But I will never treat them like they are lower than me. Just so we are clear, my law degree makes me no more and no less special than anyone else, be it the CEO of Apple or GE, or the homeless guy walking down the street with all of his life's belongings in a stolen shopping cart. All it does is let me use what I have learned to help people. Actually, it doesnt let me do that. I choose to do that. Why do I choose this? Because I have SHMUCK tattooed across my forward. I like helping people. I actually think I am doing some good in the world. I must be the biggest sucker in the world. UGH! What the hell am I thinking? Sadly, I won't change. I will keep representing real people.
So here I sit. Sad and not happy, feeling the loss more than I have in a while. Do you know what its like to be in your mid 30s and be parentless? Its such a crappy feeling. And writing about it doesnt help this time. FUCK this sucks.
I pity the next attorney who calls me and decides to be an asshole to me. You want to fuck with me and my clients? Fine. I wont fuck back. I promise you that. I will work harder than you. I will work smarter than you. I will kick your scrawny little ass across one side of the courtroom and back across the other side. You aren't fucking special because of your law degree - instead of being a cocksucker, you are an educated cocksucker. Is that clear?
Its been over a year since I last saw my mom - ever. I won't be able to see her anymore. I guess in pictures. I guess in my memories. Her taking me to soccer games. Her at my wedding. Things like that. But I can't call her up and talk to her. I can't say hi. I can't tell her anything.
Now, we weren't close since my dad died. But she was still my mom. And she still IS my mom, but she isn't here. It sucks.
And do you know what makes it suck more? Attorneys. Lawyers. Cocksuckers at law. Okay, not every attorney. I have a few attorneys who are friends, a few more who are acquaintances, some who I just know and don't hate. But do you know how many assholes go into the legal profession?
Let me see if I can count............1,000, 2,000, 3,000, more. I can't even count. And apparently they have all decided to be on th opposite end of cases I take. I guess its my luck. Or bad luck. Or crappy luck.
Why are these folks assholes? Are they born that way? No. I don't think they are. I think it comes down to two other factors.
1. They have no actual real life experience. They went to high school, worked at making crappy , greasy pizza, then went to college where they smoked more dope than I have seen in my life, then went to law school where they drank like fish - and I don't mean water. These folks think the JD after their names means they are bad-asses. It doesnt. The JD means nothing other than you were dumb enough to keep going to school after you graduated from college. Or you couldn't get a job and had to go back to school to avoid paying back your student loans so you decided law school was the way to go. Why law school? Because business schools wouldn't take you because you didnt have any real world experience. Its jackasses who think that they graduated college so they are automatically qualified to go to law school that act this way.
2. These folks know no pain. To them, their life is one big fucking party. They have never lost someone they loved. They have never experienced the death of a parent, a child, a spouse. They have never dealt with pain. Because those of us who have dealt with loss, we know that there is no point in being a fucking loser to other human beings. I may occasionally be a pain in the ass to a debt collector. I may jerk with them once in a while. But I will never treat them like they are lower than me. Just so we are clear, my law degree makes me no more and no less special than anyone else, be it the CEO of Apple or GE, or the homeless guy walking down the street with all of his life's belongings in a stolen shopping cart. All it does is let me use what I have learned to help people. Actually, it doesnt let me do that. I choose to do that. Why do I choose this? Because I have SHMUCK tattooed across my forward. I like helping people. I actually think I am doing some good in the world. I must be the biggest sucker in the world. UGH! What the hell am I thinking? Sadly, I won't change. I will keep representing real people.
So here I sit. Sad and not happy, feeling the loss more than I have in a while. Do you know what its like to be in your mid 30s and be parentless? Its such a crappy feeling. And writing about it doesnt help this time. FUCK this sucks.
I pity the next attorney who calls me and decides to be an asshole to me. You want to fuck with me and my clients? Fine. I wont fuck back. I promise you that. I will work harder than you. I will work smarter than you. I will kick your scrawny little ass across one side of the courtroom and back across the other side. You aren't fucking special because of your law degree - instead of being a cocksucker, you are an educated cocksucker. Is that clear?
Thursday, March 1, 2012
On Relationships
Its Ides of March - 14 today. (Really? I have to explain that joke. If I have to explain it, then it isn't funny. But this one is funny. Or maybe just to me.)
So here is what I have been thinking about today - a lot. Relationships. All kinds of relationships. And I discovered something. You get out of it what you put into it. Or, at least, you should. You want equal value, right? Like if I am going to buy a hamburger and it costs $4 it better be a good one. If it costs $10, it better be really fucking good. Like, YUM good. But if I buy a $10 burger and it tastes like a Big Mac, I am going to be one unhappy, hungry guy. And you don't want to see me unhappy and hungry. That is a bad combination.
But think about your relationships. How many of them are equal? Are you the person who is getting more than you are giving? Or, maybe worse, are you the person giving and giving and giving and not getting anything back? It is better to give than receive, I think. But does that work in relationships?
Are you the friend who everyone comes to when they need $20? Are you the friend who is always there to change the flat tire (do people even change their own tires anymore?) or drive them to the store?
I guess what I have realized is that I have too many relationships where I give and do not receive. (Yes, clearly this is directed at certain people and those people won't even know who they are.) Look, I don't mind helping out. I don't mind doing something to help a friend. But shouldn't there be more to it than calling me when you need something? If I am a friend, shouldn't it be more than the text message asking me to do something?
I have actually unfriended people from Facebook because they bugged too much. But then I go back and I still have 403 "friends." Now some of these people are people I know professionally. Some of them are people who I knew growing up. I will give them a break. But some of these people claim to be friends but never have anything to say unless it starts with "Can I.......?" As in, can I borrow $20? Or "Can I get you to do this for me?"
Do I really want these people in my life? Do I need them? I don't think so. I think I am going to start thinking about these relationships more. While I dont expect it to be 50/50 all the time, if its more like 70/30 most of the time, its probably time to end the relationship. Some food for thought for me.............
So here is what I have been thinking about today - a lot. Relationships. All kinds of relationships. And I discovered something. You get out of it what you put into it. Or, at least, you should. You want equal value, right? Like if I am going to buy a hamburger and it costs $4 it better be a good one. If it costs $10, it better be really fucking good. Like, YUM good. But if I buy a $10 burger and it tastes like a Big Mac, I am going to be one unhappy, hungry guy. And you don't want to see me unhappy and hungry. That is a bad combination.
But think about your relationships. How many of them are equal? Are you the person who is getting more than you are giving? Or, maybe worse, are you the person giving and giving and giving and not getting anything back? It is better to give than receive, I think. But does that work in relationships?
Are you the friend who everyone comes to when they need $20? Are you the friend who is always there to change the flat tire (do people even change their own tires anymore?) or drive them to the store?
I guess what I have realized is that I have too many relationships where I give and do not receive. (Yes, clearly this is directed at certain people and those people won't even know who they are.) Look, I don't mind helping out. I don't mind doing something to help a friend. But shouldn't there be more to it than calling me when you need something? If I am a friend, shouldn't it be more than the text message asking me to do something?
I have actually unfriended people from Facebook because they bugged too much. But then I go back and I still have 403 "friends." Now some of these people are people I know professionally. Some of them are people who I knew growing up. I will give them a break. But some of these people claim to be friends but never have anything to say unless it starts with "Can I.......?" As in, can I borrow $20? Or "Can I get you to do this for me?"
Do I really want these people in my life? Do I need them? I don't think so. I think I am going to start thinking about these relationships more. While I dont expect it to be 50/50 all the time, if its more like 70/30 most of the time, its probably time to end the relationship. Some food for thought for me.............
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