Dumb people

So it has been a while since I have blogged. Say, the middle of October. As a friend of mine said, maybe having a baby mellowed me. Probably true. So I am going with a post tonight about a few people - or groups of people - who bug me. Annoy me. Make me want to pull out my hair - assuming I had some. And no, I am not bald. I am clean shaven. I choose to walk around with no hair. There is a difference! So without further ado, or further ramblings from me, my list of people who big, big time!

1. Smokers - okay, what the BLEEP? (This bleep is brought to you by the FCC. Those fine folks who tell us what is appropriate for television and radio. Of course, Family Guy did the best FCC spoof ever. You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NDPT0Ph5rA ) Seriously, what is the deal with smokers. These folks smoke everywhere. When the baby was born, we were at the hospital. There you go. I bet you didn't know that. I should get some award for stating the obvious! Anyway, there were folks in their hospital gowns who were smoking outside of the hospital. Yes, you are at the hospital and sick, yet that is not motivation enough for you to stop smoking. I mean, how much of a degenerate do you have to be to smoke while you are admitted to the hospital? You rank right up there with crazy folks who post comments on people's Facebook pages and then go back and delete them. Yes, I am talking about you, you crazy lady. Michael Jackson is still dead and Chiller is still funny! Here is an idea: stop smoking. Use the patch, gum, hypnosis, or just plain cold turkey. But stop smoking. It is disgusting. Its more disgusting than the dude who called be after his glass eyeball fell out!

2. Christmas decorations - Hey, Target, Wal Mart, dude who lives near King Park: I have a memo for you: it is not even freaking Thanksgiving yet. Take down your decorations. What happened to one holiday at a time? No Target, I am not going to buy your overpriced Christmas clothes. Wal Mart, I am not going to buy your crappy Christmas decorations that cost you 25 cents to make and you are selling for $5. Put it away. Ask me about it after Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate one holiday at a time. So, the order in the fall is Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. It is not Christmas season from October 15 until December 25. Oh, and I didn't forget about you ABC Family. They have this ridiculous 25 days of Christmas. Its like an advent calendar full of movies. Fine. I can get it. Kind of. But, now they are doing the "Countdown to the 25 days of Christmas." It started on like November 5. It wasn't even Veterans Day yet. You have to countdown to a countdown to Christmas. Really? How about a countdown to a countdown to a countdown to you folks getting a brain? You do realize that not everyone celebrates the holiday, right? And some folks don't run out and buy presents for Christmas. Some people actually get that there is something to the time of year from the end of November (AFTER THANKSGIVING) to the end of the year. And it has nothing to do with your movies, some of which are old and some of which just plain suck. Hey, anything with Mario Lopez should be burned. Now. Please? Lets celebrate one holiday at a time. For now, I want to focus on my Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing and baking pies for the local fire department. And I will not watch ABC SUCKY, er, Family.

Oh, and dude who lives near King Park, take down your lights. Lights go up the day after Thanksgiving. They come down a week after the New Year. That is the rule. Live with it or your neighbors can pull down your lights. And never, ever let you put them up again.

3. Dude from India - So, I get this call today while I am working. Caller ID pulls up 64053. Um, at least in this country, we have seven digit phone numbers. So, this worries me. I know when the fine folks at the Federal Bureau of Investigation call me, and they do call me once in a while, it comes up with three numbers. But five numbers are weird. So, I answer the phone "This is Jonathan." You would think this would tell someone who I am. Apparently not. Dude explains he is from a mortgage lender. He wants to talk to me about a client, call her Stephanie. But, instead he calls her Steve. After I correct her name, he asks me for her social security number. Now, I don't know about the rest of the country, but I don't run around giving out a client's social security number. So, I ask dude where he is calling from. His answer, not surprisingly, Mumbai, India. So, I ask him to verify his identity. He won't. So I ask him why he thinks I should give out my client's social security number to some guy half way around the world. He keeps repeating his script "I need you to verify your identity by giving me her social security number." Dude, you called me. You dialed my number. I answered "This is Jonathan." Who do you think it is, Jack the Ripper? And you want me to give out information to some dude just because he called me and said he was from a bank? You are right, I trust banks. I trust them about as much as I trust insurance companies. No wait, I trust insurance companies more. I trust the California legislature more than I trust banks, and the legislature, well, at least Pedro Nava and Calderon, whatever the heck his first name is, oh wait, it is Ron, are in the back pockets of the banks. So ultimately he hung up on me. Go figure.

4. Fiances - no, not fiancees. The former are the men who are engaged. The latter are the women who are engaged. What is up with us guys? Some of us are just lame. Not me, of course. I am an angel, right? But I have watched an episode or two of "Say Yes to the Dress." It is a show on TLC that follows crazy women buying wedding dresses from some fancy shop in NYC. Got the premise? It is not earth shattering tv. Very simple. But then some of these women show up with the guy. What is up with that? The guy? He is not supposed to have ANY say in the wedding dress. Heck, he isn't even supposed to see her in the dress before the wedding. Never. Ever. You aren't cool or phresh (not fresh, mind you, but phresh so I can feel hip) or hip or happening or tight or anything else. You are a loser. A big fat loser. A big fat patethic useless loser. It is her dress. She picks it out. You have no say in it. Ever. Remember that. Now go watch 24 and Counting or however many kids the Duggars have now. You know, it would be easier to keep track if they went from A to Z with the names instead of starting them all with J. You do know that they now have to make up names since they have run out of real names that begin with the letter J.

So there you have it. 4 groups of people who annoy me. A lot. Too much! The world would be a better place if these folks who stop being dweebs and douches and start being real, the real world. No wait, that show was, and is, full of douches too. Sorry. f

Octuplet Overload

Okay, so this lady, and I don't remember her name and don't care enough to look it up, had octuplets. You have heard about that. She had six kids and decided it would be a good idea to have more. She went to a crazy fertility doctor who implanted her with too many embryos and she ended up with eight babies.

So, how did she pay for this $100,000 or so treatment? She used money from her $165,000 disability settlement. Of course, that runs out. Oh, and she had her parents watch her other 6 kids. Of course, now they are being foreclosed on. Her first publicist quit after getting threats. That publicist worked for free. Brilliant move for that person. They got more pub than they could buy.

Octuplet mom now wants to go back to school to finish her master's degree. Sure. Right. Like that will happen. What is she going to do, go to school while her kids live in a cardboard box? No, wait, she is going to go on welfare. She already is on welfare.

Now, I don't have a problem with welfare for people who need it, but 14 kids? Really? You do not need welfare. You need to be fixed. Wait, it is called a tubal ligation. Being fixed is for animals. Of course, having 8 babies at once is like a litter so maybe she does need to be fixed.

So, now Oprah wants to talk to her. I am sure Katie Couric will want to talk to her. Hell, she needs ratings. Maybe Maury. Geraldo got going, but had to go open an empty vault. (The alliteration there is funny.)

This lady may be a moron for having 14 kids or 8 at a time. But, she is crazy like a fox. She is in the newspaper every day. Her name, whatever it is, is all over the internet. The tv folks want her. The radio folks want her. Hollywood wants to do the Hollywhore story, er, I mean the story of the woman who had 14 kids.

Look, you want 14 kids, do it the Duggar way. Have one at a time from the time you are 12 until you are 40. Then, when your youngest is born and your oldest is getting married, go on the honeymoon with your oldest. That's normal. Maybe, and here is an idea, you shouldn't have 14 kids. It makes no sense.

Really, it is dumb. Idiotic. Stupid. One kid is a lot of work. Two kids are not twice as much work, but two and a half times more work. Three kids is crazy. And that is doing it with two parents. You want to do this by yourself like you are some supermom. You can't even take care of your current kids. You need your parents to do that. And you have the audacity to have more kids? Sheesh.

14 kids means you are looking for TLC to do a show about you. Maybe you can enter your kids into Toddlers and Tiaras.

Hey, crazy octuplet mom, why don't you enter your kids into that? They can compete against each other. You would probably like that. Maybe your older kids, who are clearly going to be teased at school, would like to whoop on the octuplets in a pageant. You could use the money after all.

Here is my offer to you: I have $5 for you to leave. No, not leave LA. Stay there. Leave the press. Stop talking to the media. Get your parents to close the door, lock it and not open it again. I don't want to see them on tv. I don't want to see you on tv. I don't want to hear from any of you. I don't even want to read about you anymore. Stop. Go home. Leave us alone. Go take your 14 kids and pray every night that they grow up to be good citizens and not sponges on the system like you.