No, this is not about Jim Nabors. Nor is it about my desire to put on a sweater and slippers and say "Won't you be my neighbor?" Nor is this going to be a dissertation about "Neighbor" by Ugly Kid Joe. (You can see the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtNW88sgO04) Rather, this is my joyous time with my neighbors. A few neighborly thoughts.
1. Don't use my garbage can. My neighborhood has some dumb rules about garbage cans. I think they cannot be put out before 6pm and they have to be back in within 36 minutes of the garbage man picking them up or 11:32am unless it is the 3rd Friday of the month and a new moon in which case they have to be in by 9:46am. Sometimes my garbage cans make it in by then. Most of the time - not going to happen. If the garbage man comes, and if I know he comes, I might get around to it by 8pm, when I get home from sparring. Maybe 8:30pm.
Now, look, I know it should be empty because the garbage man came. He dumped it. His little arm thing lifted it up and turned it upside down so that all of the contents were bend over and the contents of your stomach come out into the toilet. After this event, this very important event in life, the inside is empty. The garbage can should have nothing in it. So, how come I come home and I have stuff in my garbage can?
I don't know which of my neighbors feels like my garbage can is theirs, but it is not theirs. Its mine. I claim it. I own it. I pay some ridiculous amount of money every month for the right to fill it up. Stop using it. It is not yours! Stop using it. Give me back my garbage can. I want to use it - all of it. I want to fill up my garbage can! STOP!
2. I live in a development where we have big garages. I have a three car. Some homes have a 4 car garage. 4 car garage? Really? Who owns 4 cars? Jay Leno? Tiger Woods? You know, his Escalade, and his 9 girlfriends each have one. Plus the wife, who will probably get a new car every month for the rest of her life with the alimony he is going to be paying her. So, in addition to having 3 or 4 cars that they can park in their garage, they have a driveway. That is a minimum of 2 more cars, but up to 4 more cars, if they have a long driveway. So, figure these folks have enough space on their property to keep between 5 and 9 cars. That should be enough space for 99% of Americans, right? I mean, the British would be able to fit in 15 to 27 cars per house with this much space, but even old men who drive Cadillacs and pimps with their 1970 blue Lincoln Town Car, lowered, and covered in velour would be able to fit in 3 or 4 cars.
But, apparently, in my neighborhood, this is not enough room. Every day I find a car parked right in front of my house. Not like once a week. Or even every other day. Every freaking day someone parks in front of my house. Now, I get that I don't own that space, but could you please let my friend park there. That's right - I said friend. That is the one guy who would actually come to my house. He would like to park his car in front of my house so he doesn't have to walk 6 miles to get to my house because you have the entire street blocked by your POC cars. No, I won't link to Adam Sandler's Piece of S*** car song again - you can go look it up this time. But, dude driving the Miata that is two colors and has a hard top, you know who you are!
How about this? Lets park our cars in our garage. When the garage is full, put a car or two on the driveway. Then, when the driveway is full, put a car or two in front of your house. And seriously, if you have more cars than that on a daily basis, you need to move. I hear Far, Far Away is a nice place. You and Shrek can go live there.
3. Don't offer me pot. Ever. No pot. No marijuana. No hash. No Mary Jane. No budda. No gang. No chronic. No grass. No sticky icky. No hooba. No wacky tobacky. No fatty boombalaty. No reefer. No blunt. No dope. No 420.
Yes, one of my neighbors offered me pot. Not just any pot, but the "good stuff." Dude apparently was so happy that I found his brother's dog, who was in my garage, that he and his buddies offered me a doobie. They had the good stuff to offer me. He didn't know if I smoke it. Um, bra, as he would be called, I am over 22. I think most folks over 22 don't smoke the weed. Imagine me smoking dope. Come on, you know me. You know how I would be "So, um, Ms. Debt Collector witch, I don't think you could, um, what was I saying.....you were um........wait, what? Who are you?" Go read my Michael Phelps rant. You know that would so be me. And that would just be the contact high. Imagine if I actually smoked it. I would be eating cookies and drinking root beer until cows were flying - which I would probably see if I smoked a joint. Heck, I barely drink, and this guy wanted to offer me a smoke!
Pretty much, you never have to offer me some pot. I assure you, I won't smoke it, and I especially won't smoke it with my neighbors. Trust me on this, dude. You don't have to offer it to me. You can keep "the good stuff" all for yourself!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
A guest post - Worst Company in America
A guest post from an anonymous source:
Comcast is the worst company in America. It’s not entirely their fault, of course. In most markets where they operate, they do so as a monopoly. If you want cable TV, you pay them. There is no alternative other than a satellite dish, and in my experience, wherever there is a monopoly there is corruption, incompetence, and arrogance.
Some people think that Comcast is only the second worst company in America. The Consumerist website, after a period of public voting, had Comcast in the finals for “Worst Company In America” for each of the past two years. In 2008, Comcast “lost” that title to Countrywide Home Loans, http://consumerist.com/5027169/worst-company-in-america-final-death-match-comcast-vs-countrywide-home-loans and this year finished again as runner-up to AIG.
You know things are tough when the only companies worse than you are a couple of the poster children for the recent economic meltdown.
On the website, you can find people suggesting that the runner-up trophy for worst company in America be permanently named “The Comcast Award.”
Naturally, I would not be writing about this if I were not a Comcast “customer.”
Here is my (most recent) tale of woe. I am a double Comcast prisoner. We have Comcast cable at the office, and I have it at home. We have it at the office because our Internet access is absolutely mission-critical to everything we do. We cannot afford to be down for even a few hours. Therefore, we pay each month for the local phone company’s high-speed DSL service and for the Comcast cable. In other words we pay double each month simply to insure that if one goes down, we can switch to the other, and hope that the odds are long that both could be down at the same time. So far, so good.
A salesman from Comcast comes to our office and says that because we have this business account, we can also have the Comcast business service (faster, better) at home, too, if we would like. We’ll pay more, of course, but it is available.
Since I have frequent problems with my home service (a Comcast trademark) I say yes to this proposition. A guy comes out to my house and installs the new service.
Beginning a couple of months later, I begin to get calls and letters from the Comcast billing department, threatening to cut off service if I don’t pay up. This I find mysterious since one of my staff pay all my bills, and I know they are paid on time.
There ensued hours of phone calls, the pain (and pain-in-the-ass) of which I cannot begin to describe to you, which lead eventually to the discovery of a “mistake” by Comcast. While they had installed the business service (fast) in my home, and had begun billing me for it, they had neglected to cancel the domestic service (slow) account, and thus had been double billing me for months. Straightening this out was a freaking nightmare. I only kept my sanity by delegating most of it to my employee Dave Meehan who has the patience of a saint.
Now comes the piece de resistance.
I am now getting threatening letters from a collection agency because, they say, I didn’t return to Comcast the router (for the old, slow service) that they took away when they upgraded me to the new service.
So, on top of being double-billed for months, I am now being dunned for a piece of equipment that a Comcast technician removed from my house.
Wonder if these idiots will now besmirch my personal, or business, credit rating?
Comcast is the worst company in America. It’s not entirely their fault, of course. In most markets where they operate, they do so as a monopoly. If you want cable TV, you pay them. There is no alternative other than a satellite dish, and in my experience, wherever there is a monopoly there is corruption, incompetence, and arrogance.
Some people think that Comcast is only the second worst company in America. The Consumerist website, after a period of public voting, had Comcast in the finals for “Worst Company In America” for each of the past two years. In 2008, Comcast “lost” that title to Countrywide Home Loans, http://consumerist.com/5027169/worst-company-in-america-final-death-match-comcast-vs-countrywide-home-loans and this year finished again as runner-up to AIG.
You know things are tough when the only companies worse than you are a couple of the poster children for the recent economic meltdown.
On the website, you can find people suggesting that the runner-up trophy for worst company in America be permanently named “The Comcast Award.”
Naturally, I would not be writing about this if I were not a Comcast “customer.”
Here is my (most recent) tale of woe. I am a double Comcast prisoner. We have Comcast cable at the office, and I have it at home. We have it at the office because our Internet access is absolutely mission-critical to everything we do. We cannot afford to be down for even a few hours. Therefore, we pay each month for the local phone company’s high-speed DSL service and for the Comcast cable. In other words we pay double each month simply to insure that if one goes down, we can switch to the other, and hope that the odds are long that both could be down at the same time. So far, so good.
A salesman from Comcast comes to our office and says that because we have this business account, we can also have the Comcast business service (faster, better) at home, too, if we would like. We’ll pay more, of course, but it is available.
Since I have frequent problems with my home service (a Comcast trademark) I say yes to this proposition. A guy comes out to my house and installs the new service.
Beginning a couple of months later, I begin to get calls and letters from the Comcast billing department, threatening to cut off service if I don’t pay up. This I find mysterious since one of my staff pay all my bills, and I know they are paid on time.
There ensued hours of phone calls, the pain (and pain-in-the-ass) of which I cannot begin to describe to you, which lead eventually to the discovery of a “mistake” by Comcast. While they had installed the business service (fast) in my home, and had begun billing me for it, they had neglected to cancel the domestic service (slow) account, and thus had been double billing me for months. Straightening this out was a freaking nightmare. I only kept my sanity by delegating most of it to my employee Dave Meehan who has the patience of a saint.
Now comes the piece de resistance.
I am now getting threatening letters from a collection agency because, they say, I didn’t return to Comcast the router (for the old, slow service) that they took away when they upgraded me to the new service.
So, on top of being double-billed for months, I am now being dunned for a piece of equipment that a Comcast technician removed from my house.
Wonder if these idiots will now besmirch my personal, or business, credit rating?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Dumb people
So it has been a while since I have blogged. Say, the middle of October. As a friend of mine said, maybe having a baby mellowed me. Probably true. So I am going with a post tonight about a few people - or groups of people - who bug me. Annoy me. Make me want to pull out my hair - assuming I had some. And no, I am not bald. I am clean shaven. I choose to walk around with no hair. There is a difference! So without further ado, or further ramblings from me, my list of people who big, big time!
1. Smokers - okay, what the BLEEP? (This bleep is brought to you by the FCC. Those fine folks who tell us what is appropriate for television and radio. Of course, Family Guy did the best FCC spoof ever. You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NDPT0Ph5rA ) Seriously, what is the deal with smokers. These folks smoke everywhere. When the baby was born, we were at the hospital. There you go. I bet you didn't know that. I should get some award for stating the obvious! Anyway, there were folks in their hospital gowns who were smoking outside of the hospital. Yes, you are at the hospital and sick, yet that is not motivation enough for you to stop smoking. I mean, how much of a degenerate do you have to be to smoke while you are admitted to the hospital? You rank right up there with crazy folks who post comments on people's Facebook pages and then go back and delete them. Yes, I am talking about you, you crazy lady. Michael Jackson is still dead and Chiller is still funny! Here is an idea: stop smoking. Use the patch, gum, hypnosis, or just plain cold turkey. But stop smoking. It is disgusting. Its more disgusting than the dude who called be after his glass eyeball fell out!
2. Christmas decorations - Hey, Target, Wal Mart, dude who lives near King Park: I have a memo for you: it is not even freaking Thanksgiving yet. Take down your decorations. What happened to one holiday at a time? No Target, I am not going to buy your overpriced Christmas clothes. Wal Mart, I am not going to buy your crappy Christmas decorations that cost you 25 cents to make and you are selling for $5. Put it away. Ask me about it after Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate one holiday at a time. So, the order in the fall is Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. It is not Christmas season from October 15 until December 25. Oh, and I didn't forget about you ABC Family. They have this ridiculous 25 days of Christmas. Its like an advent calendar full of movies. Fine. I can get it. Kind of. But, now they are doing the "Countdown to the 25 days of Christmas." It started on like November 5. It wasn't even Veterans Day yet. You have to countdown to a countdown to Christmas. Really? How about a countdown to a countdown to a countdown to you folks getting a brain? You do realize that not everyone celebrates the holiday, right? And some folks don't run out and buy presents for Christmas. Some people actually get that there is something to the time of year from the end of November (AFTER THANKSGIVING) to the end of the year. And it has nothing to do with your movies, some of which are old and some of which just plain suck. Hey, anything with Mario Lopez should be burned. Now. Please? Lets celebrate one holiday at a time. For now, I want to focus on my Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing and baking pies for the local fire department. And I will not watch ABC SUCKY, er, Family.
Oh, and dude who lives near King Park, take down your lights. Lights go up the day after Thanksgiving. They come down a week after the New Year. That is the rule. Live with it or your neighbors can pull down your lights. And never, ever let you put them up again.
3. Dude from India - So, I get this call today while I am working. Caller ID pulls up 64053. Um, at least in this country, we have seven digit phone numbers. So, this worries me. I know when the fine folks at the Federal Bureau of Investigation call me, and they do call me once in a while, it comes up with three numbers. But five numbers are weird. So, I answer the phone "This is Jonathan." You would think this would tell someone who I am. Apparently not. Dude explains he is from a mortgage lender. He wants to talk to me about a client, call her Stephanie. But, instead he calls her Steve. After I correct her name, he asks me for her social security number. Now, I don't know about the rest of the country, but I don't run around giving out a client's social security number. So, I ask dude where he is calling from. His answer, not surprisingly, Mumbai, India. So, I ask him to verify his identity. He won't. So I ask him why he thinks I should give out my client's social security number to some guy half way around the world. He keeps repeating his script "I need you to verify your identity by giving me her social security number." Dude, you called me. You dialed my number. I answered "This is Jonathan." Who do you think it is, Jack the Ripper? And you want me to give out information to some dude just because he called me and said he was from a bank? You are right, I trust banks. I trust them about as much as I trust insurance companies. No wait, I trust insurance companies more. I trust the California legislature more than I trust banks, and the legislature, well, at least Pedro Nava and Calderon, whatever the heck his first name is, oh wait, it is Ron, are in the back pockets of the banks. So ultimately he hung up on me. Go figure.
4. Fiances - no, not fiancees. The former are the men who are engaged. The latter are the women who are engaged. What is up with us guys? Some of us are just lame. Not me, of course. I am an angel, right? But I have watched an episode or two of "Say Yes to the Dress." It is a show on TLC that follows crazy women buying wedding dresses from some fancy shop in NYC. Got the premise? It is not earth shattering tv. Very simple. But then some of these women show up with the guy. What is up with that? The guy? He is not supposed to have ANY say in the wedding dress. Heck, he isn't even supposed to see her in the dress before the wedding. Never. Ever. You aren't cool or phresh (not fresh, mind you, but phresh so I can feel hip) or hip or happening or tight or anything else. You are a loser. A big fat loser. A big fat patethic useless loser. It is her dress. She picks it out. You have no say in it. Ever. Remember that. Now go watch 24 and Counting or however many kids the Duggars have now. You know, it would be easier to keep track if they went from A to Z with the names instead of starting them all with J. You do know that they now have to make up names since they have run out of real names that begin with the letter J.
So there you have it. 4 groups of people who annoy me. A lot. Too much! The world would be a better place if these folks who stop being dweebs and douches and start being real, the real world. No wait, that show was, and is, full of douches too. Sorry. f
1. Smokers - okay, what the BLEEP? (This bleep is brought to you by the FCC. Those fine folks who tell us what is appropriate for television and radio. Of course, Family Guy did the best FCC spoof ever. You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NDPT0Ph5rA ) Seriously, what is the deal with smokers. These folks smoke everywhere. When the baby was born, we were at the hospital. There you go. I bet you didn't know that. I should get some award for stating the obvious! Anyway, there were folks in their hospital gowns who were smoking outside of the hospital. Yes, you are at the hospital and sick, yet that is not motivation enough for you to stop smoking. I mean, how much of a degenerate do you have to be to smoke while you are admitted to the hospital? You rank right up there with crazy folks who post comments on people's Facebook pages and then go back and delete them. Yes, I am talking about you, you crazy lady. Michael Jackson is still dead and Chiller is still funny! Here is an idea: stop smoking. Use the patch, gum, hypnosis, or just plain cold turkey. But stop smoking. It is disgusting. Its more disgusting than the dude who called be after his glass eyeball fell out!
2. Christmas decorations - Hey, Target, Wal Mart, dude who lives near King Park: I have a memo for you: it is not even freaking Thanksgiving yet. Take down your decorations. What happened to one holiday at a time? No Target, I am not going to buy your overpriced Christmas clothes. Wal Mart, I am not going to buy your crappy Christmas decorations that cost you 25 cents to make and you are selling for $5. Put it away. Ask me about it after Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate one holiday at a time. So, the order in the fall is Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. It is not Christmas season from October 15 until December 25. Oh, and I didn't forget about you ABC Family. They have this ridiculous 25 days of Christmas. Its like an advent calendar full of movies. Fine. I can get it. Kind of. But, now they are doing the "Countdown to the 25 days of Christmas." It started on like November 5. It wasn't even Veterans Day yet. You have to countdown to a countdown to Christmas. Really? How about a countdown to a countdown to a countdown to you folks getting a brain? You do realize that not everyone celebrates the holiday, right? And some folks don't run out and buy presents for Christmas. Some people actually get that there is something to the time of year from the end of November (AFTER THANKSGIVING) to the end of the year. And it has nothing to do with your movies, some of which are old and some of which just plain suck. Hey, anything with Mario Lopez should be burned. Now. Please? Lets celebrate one holiday at a time. For now, I want to focus on my Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing and baking pies for the local fire department. And I will not watch ABC SUCKY, er, Family.
Oh, and dude who lives near King Park, take down your lights. Lights go up the day after Thanksgiving. They come down a week after the New Year. That is the rule. Live with it or your neighbors can pull down your lights. And never, ever let you put them up again.
3. Dude from India - So, I get this call today while I am working. Caller ID pulls up 64053. Um, at least in this country, we have seven digit phone numbers. So, this worries me. I know when the fine folks at the Federal Bureau of Investigation call me, and they do call me once in a while, it comes up with three numbers. But five numbers are weird. So, I answer the phone "This is Jonathan." You would think this would tell someone who I am. Apparently not. Dude explains he is from a mortgage lender. He wants to talk to me about a client, call her Stephanie. But, instead he calls her Steve. After I correct her name, he asks me for her social security number. Now, I don't know about the rest of the country, but I don't run around giving out a client's social security number. So, I ask dude where he is calling from. His answer, not surprisingly, Mumbai, India. So, I ask him to verify his identity. He won't. So I ask him why he thinks I should give out my client's social security number to some guy half way around the world. He keeps repeating his script "I need you to verify your identity by giving me her social security number." Dude, you called me. You dialed my number. I answered "This is Jonathan." Who do you think it is, Jack the Ripper? And you want me to give out information to some dude just because he called me and said he was from a bank? You are right, I trust banks. I trust them about as much as I trust insurance companies. No wait, I trust insurance companies more. I trust the California legislature more than I trust banks, and the legislature, well, at least Pedro Nava and Calderon, whatever the heck his first name is, oh wait, it is Ron, are in the back pockets of the banks. So ultimately he hung up on me. Go figure.
4. Fiances - no, not fiancees. The former are the men who are engaged. The latter are the women who are engaged. What is up with us guys? Some of us are just lame. Not me, of course. I am an angel, right? But I have watched an episode or two of "Say Yes to the Dress." It is a show on TLC that follows crazy women buying wedding dresses from some fancy shop in NYC. Got the premise? It is not earth shattering tv. Very simple. But then some of these women show up with the guy. What is up with that? The guy? He is not supposed to have ANY say in the wedding dress. Heck, he isn't even supposed to see her in the dress before the wedding. Never. Ever. You aren't cool or phresh (not fresh, mind you, but phresh so I can feel hip) or hip or happening or tight or anything else. You are a loser. A big fat loser. A big fat patethic useless loser. It is her dress. She picks it out. You have no say in it. Ever. Remember that. Now go watch 24 and Counting or however many kids the Duggars have now. You know, it would be easier to keep track if they went from A to Z with the names instead of starting them all with J. You do know that they now have to make up names since they have run out of real names that begin with the letter J.
So there you have it. 4 groups of people who annoy me. A lot. Too much! The world would be a better place if these folks who stop being dweebs and douches and start being real, the real world. No wait, that show was, and is, full of douches too. Sorry. f
Monday, October 19, 2009
Lawyers are high maintenanc
No, not me. I am low maintenance. I am so low maintenance its like non-existent. Really. Just ask my wife. Right honey? (It's okay - she doesn't read this so you can trust me when I say that.)
Seriously, not only are lawyers high maintenance, but they aren't even good about being high maintenance. I mean, if Diane Lane wants to get all high maintenance on me, that would be fine. I would just break out Unfaithful and watch it with her and all would be good in the world. I am sure some woman would think Captain Jack Sparrow could get all high maintenance on her and she would be fine with it. But the folks who are all high maintenance in the legal world cannot back it up. At least in this reporter's humble view. (See Guy, Family)
Let me start with a favorite of mine. Jay Foonberg. Jay Foonberg is considered some Godlike person among people in the ABA. Apparently he knows something about opening and running a law firm. Well, they think he does. The ABA recently had a seminar called "How to Hang Your Shingle and Start Your Firm" with Foonberg as the speaker. Now, let me see how many problems I have with this.
First, Foonberg is on Twitter. And if by on, I mean he has 1 follower. I don't know about the rest of you, but if I am going to sit through some presentation about running a law firm, I would like to know about the latest technology - preferably from someone who uses it. Hey, I don't know if Twitter is the next big thing, especially for lawyers, but shouldn't dude at least be able to tell me he uses it? Of course, this is probably expecting too much from a guy who doesn't blog. But, he is affiliated with Solo Practice University- which may be the biggest waste of money for sole practitioners. Solo Practice is just repackaging other people's ideas - ideas that are mostly free. It is like paying for an aggregator. Why? Please tell me why.
Second, Foonberg doesn't use proper English on his website. Now, those of you who are regular readers of my blog will recall some posts where I did not use proper English. I think I broke out with "You can blame it on the rain cause the rain don't mind and the rain don't care." We all know that this should be "You can blame it on the rain because the rain doesn't mind and the rain doesn't care." But, I am not writing this to get clients or to have people pay $180 for a book. Especially a book where you are already supposed to know 85% of the material. I am paying you $180 for 15% of the material. That means the book should cost over $1,000. Yes, Foonberg, for $1,000 I would rather go to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch than read your lack of command of the English language. How about you don't put your own writing in quotes on your own freaking website.
But, Foonberg isn't the only one. How about Scott Greenfield? He writes some blog Simple Justice. I don't know what simple justice is. If I did, I think I would cry. There is nothing simple about justice. But, that's just me. Greenfield has a blog post today about blogging. Yes, he blogged about blogging when he claims to be a lawyer who represents people and not a marketing guy. In fact, he called a marketing guy a whore. Of course, Greenfield is marketing without calling it marketing. Its like putting your money in the mattress and then not calling it saving. You are still saving it - just not in a bank. If Greenfield doesn't think he is marketing with his blog, he is more of a diva than I thought. In his blog, he doesn't capitalize Twitter, he puts periods outside of the quotation marks, he screws up figures of speech (it is not "on both accounts" but rather "on bouth counts" and it is "As I said" not "Like I said."), and he uses sentence fragments. That must be why he and Foonberg get along so well.
Greenfield, however, and his buddies Mark Bennett and Brian Tannenbaum, make VH1's Diva's show look like the small time. These three were invited to speak at a seminar with me. Now, I don't know that I would go to listen to me speak. But, I might. After all, I know what I am going to say and I am not afraid to say it. (Of course, the problem could be the sponsor of the seminar may wuss out now that I have called these guys out or the sponsor could man up and let me do what I proposed. I am hoping for the latter since we are brothers without hair.) Anyway, these three wouldn't go to the seminar unless someone pays for their travel. Really? Who the hell pays anyone to travel to a seminar these days? I haven't seen that happen in years and I invited speakers for the State Bar of California for years. But, apparently, when you market your law practice without admitting it is marketing, you think you need to be treated differently. Its a bit like when someone comes out to Sunday Soccer and they don't want us to shoot at them. If you don't want to get hit with the ball, get off the field.
I don't know about this. I don't understand why so many lawyers are such divas. Look, we put our pants on one leg at a time just like the maid and the cook and the septic tank cleaner and the freaky parents of that kid Falcon. (By the way, you aren't bright enough to pull off a hoax like that, Eagle and Sparrow, or whatever the hell your names are. Did you really think you wouldn't get caught? Of course, you wonder why ABC hasn't been running 24 hours of these folks on Wife Swap. You know ABC would do anything to make a buck.) Anyway, there are way too many lawyers who think they are way too good. You are a person. Your mom and dad had a sperm and an egg meet just like everyone else. You spent 40 weeks or so in the womb. The difference? You kept going to school.
So memo to those called out in this blog post: stop with the nonsense. Foonberg, I have $5 for your book. That is about all it is worth. When you can figure out how to run a modern law practice and not an Abraham Lincoln law practice, call me. The other three - stop thinking you are so advanced because you don't market your law practice. You do. And stop being a diva. Go to the conference and feel free to rip into me. I know I will do my homework and be prepared to explain the flaws in people who refuse to hire experts to help market their law firms.
Oh, and the offer I made to Barrett and Fairley applies to you guys (and you really old men) too: more than happy to debate you publicly on this!
Seriously, not only are lawyers high maintenance, but they aren't even good about being high maintenance. I mean, if Diane Lane wants to get all high maintenance on me, that would be fine. I would just break out Unfaithful and watch it with her and all would be good in the world. I am sure some woman would think Captain Jack Sparrow could get all high maintenance on her and she would be fine with it. But the folks who are all high maintenance in the legal world cannot back it up. At least in this reporter's humble view. (See Guy, Family)
Let me start with a favorite of mine. Jay Foonberg. Jay Foonberg is considered some Godlike person among people in the ABA. Apparently he knows something about opening and running a law firm. Well, they think he does. The ABA recently had a seminar called "How to Hang Your Shingle and Start Your Firm" with Foonberg as the speaker. Now, let me see how many problems I have with this.
First, Foonberg is on Twitter. And if by on, I mean he has 1 follower. I don't know about the rest of you, but if I am going to sit through some presentation about running a law firm, I would like to know about the latest technology - preferably from someone who uses it. Hey, I don't know if Twitter is the next big thing, especially for lawyers, but shouldn't dude at least be able to tell me he uses it? Of course, this is probably expecting too much from a guy who doesn't blog. But, he is affiliated with Solo Practice University- which may be the biggest waste of money for sole practitioners. Solo Practice is just repackaging other people's ideas - ideas that are mostly free. It is like paying for an aggregator. Why? Please tell me why.
Second, Foonberg doesn't use proper English on his website. Now, those of you who are regular readers of my blog will recall some posts where I did not use proper English. I think I broke out with "You can blame it on the rain cause the rain don't mind and the rain don't care." We all know that this should be "You can blame it on the rain because the rain doesn't mind and the rain doesn't care." But, I am not writing this to get clients or to have people pay $180 for a book. Especially a book where you are already supposed to know 85% of the material. I am paying you $180 for 15% of the material. That means the book should cost over $1,000. Yes, Foonberg, for $1,000 I would rather go to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch than read your lack of command of the English language. How about you don't put your own writing in quotes on your own freaking website.
But, Foonberg isn't the only one. How about Scott Greenfield? He writes some blog Simple Justice. I don't know what simple justice is. If I did, I think I would cry. There is nothing simple about justice. But, that's just me. Greenfield has a blog post today about blogging. Yes, he blogged about blogging when he claims to be a lawyer who represents people and not a marketing guy. In fact, he called a marketing guy a whore. Of course, Greenfield is marketing without calling it marketing. Its like putting your money in the mattress and then not calling it saving. You are still saving it - just not in a bank. If Greenfield doesn't think he is marketing with his blog, he is more of a diva than I thought. In his blog, he doesn't capitalize Twitter, he puts periods outside of the quotation marks, he screws up figures of speech (it is not "on both accounts" but rather "on bouth counts" and it is "As I said" not "Like I said."), and he uses sentence fragments. That must be why he and Foonberg get along so well.
Greenfield, however, and his buddies Mark Bennett and Brian Tannenbaum, make VH1's Diva's show look like the small time. These three were invited to speak at a seminar with me. Now, I don't know that I would go to listen to me speak. But, I might. After all, I know what I am going to say and I am not afraid to say it. (Of course, the problem could be the sponsor of the seminar may wuss out now that I have called these guys out or the sponsor could man up and let me do what I proposed. I am hoping for the latter since we are brothers without hair.) Anyway, these three wouldn't go to the seminar unless someone pays for their travel. Really? Who the hell pays anyone to travel to a seminar these days? I haven't seen that happen in years and I invited speakers for the State Bar of California for years. But, apparently, when you market your law practice without admitting it is marketing, you think you need to be treated differently. Its a bit like when someone comes out to Sunday Soccer and they don't want us to shoot at them. If you don't want to get hit with the ball, get off the field.
I don't know about this. I don't understand why so many lawyers are such divas. Look, we put our pants on one leg at a time just like the maid and the cook and the septic tank cleaner and the freaky parents of that kid Falcon. (By the way, you aren't bright enough to pull off a hoax like that, Eagle and Sparrow, or whatever the hell your names are. Did you really think you wouldn't get caught? Of course, you wonder why ABC hasn't been running 24 hours of these folks on Wife Swap. You know ABC would do anything to make a buck.) Anyway, there are way too many lawyers who think they are way too good. You are a person. Your mom and dad had a sperm and an egg meet just like everyone else. You spent 40 weeks or so in the womb. The difference? You kept going to school.
So memo to those called out in this blog post: stop with the nonsense. Foonberg, I have $5 for your book. That is about all it is worth. When you can figure out how to run a modern law practice and not an Abraham Lincoln law practice, call me. The other three - stop thinking you are so advanced because you don't market your law practice. You do. And stop being a diva. Go to the conference and feel free to rip into me. I know I will do my homework and be prepared to explain the flaws in people who refuse to hire experts to help market their law firms.
Oh, and the offer I made to Barrett and Fairley applies to you guys (and you really old men) too: more than happy to debate you publicly on this!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Legal Marketers
I interrupt this work day to bring you a rant.......a rant about people who want to get me more work. Or, so they claim. I think they really just want to get more money in their pockets. Why do I think that? Because its true.
Like any profession, there is good and bad. Good cops and bad cops. Good lawyers and bad lawyers. Good drug......no wait, only bad drug dealers. But you get the idea, right? There is good and bad in everything. Let me go through the bad first.
There are two people who give lawyer marketing a bad reputation. Really bad. How bad are they? I would rather be called an ambulance chaser than be associated with these two. I would rather be called a snake oil salesman than be associated with these two. I would rather...........well, you get the idea. After all, my blog readers, all 4 of you, are smart!
Stephen Fairley and David Barrett should be renamed Double Trouble. Wasn't that a video game in the 80s? No that was Double Dragon. Good game. I could never beat it. But they had some wicked (for my northeastern readers) karate moves. Anyway, I got an email from Fairley last week. Trust me when I tell you that my third grader understands better use of punctuation and capitalization. Shall I show you? Do you actually dare me? Do you think I would make up something like that without proof? Do I look like I use hyperbole? Okay, fine, here goes:
"I'm Sick And Tired Of The Government Offering Stimulus Packages To Everyone Except Those Who Need It The Most"
Seriously? That is what you have for me? I am supposed to pay you almost $1,000 for your "retreat" and you write with the first letter of each word capitalized. Seriously? Dude, my 3rd grader knows you don't do that. Heck, my cute little kindergartener knows that you do not do that. I think I met a 4 year old who knows not to do that.
Now this is bad. But, wait there is more. Or, as he puts it, there is a B*O*N*U*S. Seriously, are we in third grade or something? What the heck is up with the little "*" between every letter? Does that make it stand out more? Or does it make your idiocy stand out more? I mean, I feel dirty after reading that. It is like I received a note from a 7th grade girl. I need to go shower.
Anyway, dude fake twitters you. Ever notice that you are being followed on twitter by some nice looking woman? And then ever go read her posts? They all read about the same way: "RAINMAKER is the best" and "It is so big at the RAINMAKER." First, why do you need to fake twitter people? I know, I am going to start calling that "pulling a dumbarse" instead of calling it "pulling a Fairley" since I don't want to give dude that much respect. Second, compensating much? I know I just need one twitter account to keep people updated. I don't need like 10. To me, having 10 twitter accounts is like driving an H3 - you must be lacking in some department.
Now, you can't take Fairley by himself. That would be so unFairley like. Fairley has a partner in crime. A boy wonder if you will. A Robin. His name is David Barrett. And he is "THE WORLD'S MOST LINKEDIN LAWYER.........." (Okay, for that to be funny, go back and read it as if you were the guy who does the intro for the Superheros cartoons.) Yes, dude is the world's most linkedin lawyer.
I am pretty sure most of my non-lawyer readers, both of you, will not even know what Linked In is. Heck, most lawyers don't know what it is. And of those of us who do, 8 out of 10 don't care. The other 2 care because they made some money off of Linked In and think they can do it again. I guess I should have reduced my fraction to 4 out of 5, but then I feel like a toothpaste commercial. And what does this Linked In lawyer do? Good question. If you find out, will you let me know?
I know. He sends Spam Links. (Spam on Linked In, get it?) I get more crap on Linked In from this one guy then I do from everyone else combined. And I am not even "linked" with him. I dumped him after he offended me. Again. No, instead he joins every lawyer group known to Linked In and spams the groups. Do you know how obnoxious spam is? Take that and multiply it by 10 because it is from a lawyer. Then multiply it by another 100 because it is from some guy who, best as I can tell, makes his living being linked to other people. That would be like some guy being famous because his wife had 8 kids and they couldn't raise them. Oh wait, that does happen. Sorry.
I guess because you can link to a lot of people you know something about marketing. That would be like me claiming I know something about sewing because I watch a lot of sewing. Really, I do. My wife and her friend sew and I watch. I guess I can now teach people how to sew because I saw it a lot. Just because you can connect to people through some website does not mean you can teach me how to market a law firm!
Seriously, if this is the future of legal marketing we are in trouble, folks. The legal profession is going to go the way of newspapers. We are doomed. If it takes spam and fake twitter accounts and being linked to people through some made up website to market to lawyers and you are going to teach those lawyers how to market, you need to get a clue. That is not marketing. That is called "get rich quick." Although, I would guess that they haven't gotten rich since I keep getting their crap.
Good, ethical lawyer marketing can be done. Want proof? Go see Mark Merenda at Smart Marketing or Allison Sheilds at LegalEase Consulting, Ben Glass at Great Legal Marketing, Jay Fleischmann at LegalPracticePro or Grant Griffiths at G2Webmedia. It can be done. I promise. But stop with the spam. Stop with the grandiose titles. Stop with the fake offers. Stop with all of that nonsense.
By the way, I know this will get back to these two, as well as to some of these other fake marketers. Those who know me well know I don't just sit and hide behind my computer. You think I am wrong? I will debate anyone, anytime, anywhere about ethical, honest lawyer marketing. As Kirsten Dunst would say "Bring it on."
Like any profession, there is good and bad. Good cops and bad cops. Good lawyers and bad lawyers. Good drug......no wait, only bad drug dealers. But you get the idea, right? There is good and bad in everything. Let me go through the bad first.
There are two people who give lawyer marketing a bad reputation. Really bad. How bad are they? I would rather be called an ambulance chaser than be associated with these two. I would rather be called a snake oil salesman than be associated with these two. I would rather...........well, you get the idea. After all, my blog readers, all 4 of you, are smart!
Stephen Fairley and David Barrett should be renamed Double Trouble. Wasn't that a video game in the 80s? No that was Double Dragon. Good game. I could never beat it. But they had some wicked (for my northeastern readers) karate moves. Anyway, I got an email from Fairley last week. Trust me when I tell you that my third grader understands better use of punctuation and capitalization. Shall I show you? Do you actually dare me? Do you think I would make up something like that without proof? Do I look like I use hyperbole? Okay, fine, here goes:
"I'm Sick And Tired Of The Government Offering Stimulus Packages To Everyone Except Those Who Need It The Most"
Seriously? That is what you have for me? I am supposed to pay you almost $1,000 for your "retreat" and you write with the first letter of each word capitalized. Seriously? Dude, my 3rd grader knows you don't do that. Heck, my cute little kindergartener knows that you do not do that. I think I met a 4 year old who knows not to do that.
Now this is bad. But, wait there is more. Or, as he puts it, there is a B*O*N*U*S. Seriously, are we in third grade or something? What the heck is up with the little "*" between every letter? Does that make it stand out more? Or does it make your idiocy stand out more? I mean, I feel dirty after reading that. It is like I received a note from a 7th grade girl. I need to go shower.
Anyway, dude fake twitters you. Ever notice that you are being followed on twitter by some nice looking woman? And then ever go read her posts? They all read about the same way: "RAINMAKER is the best" and "It is so big at the RAINMAKER." First, why do you need to fake twitter people? I know, I am going to start calling that "pulling a dumbarse" instead of calling it "pulling a Fairley" since I don't want to give dude that much respect. Second, compensating much? I know I just need one twitter account to keep people updated. I don't need like 10. To me, having 10 twitter accounts is like driving an H3 - you must be lacking in some department.
Now, you can't take Fairley by himself. That would be so unFairley like. Fairley has a partner in crime. A boy wonder if you will. A Robin. His name is David Barrett. And he is "THE WORLD'S MOST LINKEDIN LAWYER.........." (Okay, for that to be funny, go back and read it as if you were the guy who does the intro for the Superheros cartoons.) Yes, dude is the world's most linkedin lawyer.
I am pretty sure most of my non-lawyer readers, both of you, will not even know what Linked In is. Heck, most lawyers don't know what it is. And of those of us who do, 8 out of 10 don't care. The other 2 care because they made some money off of Linked In and think they can do it again. I guess I should have reduced my fraction to 4 out of 5, but then I feel like a toothpaste commercial. And what does this Linked In lawyer do? Good question. If you find out, will you let me know?
I know. He sends Spam Links. (Spam on Linked In, get it?) I get more crap on Linked In from this one guy then I do from everyone else combined. And I am not even "linked" with him. I dumped him after he offended me. Again. No, instead he joins every lawyer group known to Linked In and spams the groups. Do you know how obnoxious spam is? Take that and multiply it by 10 because it is from a lawyer. Then multiply it by another 100 because it is from some guy who, best as I can tell, makes his living being linked to other people. That would be like some guy being famous because his wife had 8 kids and they couldn't raise them. Oh wait, that does happen. Sorry.
I guess because you can link to a lot of people you know something about marketing. That would be like me claiming I know something about sewing because I watch a lot of sewing. Really, I do. My wife and her friend sew and I watch. I guess I can now teach people how to sew because I saw it a lot. Just because you can connect to people through some website does not mean you can teach me how to market a law firm!
Seriously, if this is the future of legal marketing we are in trouble, folks. The legal profession is going to go the way of newspapers. We are doomed. If it takes spam and fake twitter accounts and being linked to people through some made up website to market to lawyers and you are going to teach those lawyers how to market, you need to get a clue. That is not marketing. That is called "get rich quick." Although, I would guess that they haven't gotten rich since I keep getting their crap.
Good, ethical lawyer marketing can be done. Want proof? Go see Mark Merenda at Smart Marketing or Allison Sheilds at LegalEase Consulting, Ben Glass at Great Legal Marketing, Jay Fleischmann at LegalPracticePro or Grant Griffiths at G2Webmedia. It can be done. I promise. But stop with the spam. Stop with the grandiose titles. Stop with the fake offers. Stop with all of that nonsense.
By the way, I know this will get back to these two, as well as to some of these other fake marketers. Those who know me well know I don't just sit and hide behind my computer. You think I am wrong? I will debate anyone, anytime, anywhere about ethical, honest lawyer marketing. As Kirsten Dunst would say "Bring it on."
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Capitalism: A Fake Story
So Michael Moore is at it again. He has made a movie called "Capitalism: A Love Story." He claims this is the culmination of his last 20 years since he made "Roger and Me." There are so many things wrong with this movie. Where should I begin?
First, does anyone really like Michael Moore movies? Really? I mean, sure some people think that the topics are interesting like Sicko or his ridiculous 9/11 movie. I think it was called "Ridiculous, A Michael Moore Conspiracy Theory Crazier than Oliver Stone." Was that not the title? Maybe it was his Columbine movie which I believe was called "Columbine: I am making money off of other people's tragedy." Maybe it was his little known movie "Michael Moore: I live in a Mansion."
Which gets me to the point of this little rant. His latest movie is supposed to show that the free market system has caused a whole host of ills for this country. He compares capitalism to pure evil and has a priest talk about capitalism as if it is the devil. Part of this movie is about Moore's personal life and how he wanted to be an activist priest. Finally, he wants to show that capitalism is a system that is set up to make a profit on anything.
Okay, so lets start with some basics. You have a few basic economic models. Capitalism, socialism and communism. There are variations of these, but these are your three basic models. (If you don't trust me, David Lang, Professor of Economics at CSU Sacramento, will explain it to you. Trust me - nice guy and he actually continued getting degrees in economics until he had a PhD!) Communism has failed. I guess technically it still exists in places like Cuba, but if it worked that well, wouldn't people stop defecting from Cuba, especially on little rafts in a big, shark filled ocean? Socialism is around, but lets face it: it aint that good!
Socialized medicine is terrible. Proof? Here is the hearing test in Canada when you apply for residency. You stand in a room and the person administering the test stands behind you. They then say a word at about regular speaking level and you have to repeat it. Yep, that is how they check your hearing in Canada. Nice, huh? (Honest to goodness: this is a true story!!)
As for capitalism being the devil, really? Really, do we think it is that bad? Capitalism, of course, is what lets Michael Moo (dude kind of looks like a cow, doesn't he?) do what he does: make bad movies. If we were in a communist society, he wouldn't be able to make these movies. If we were in a socialist society, he wouldn't have the resources to make these movies. But, we are in a capitalist society and apparently that bothers Michael Mooron. (Yes, I know it is spelled wrong - it is a play on his last name!)
Of course, Michael Moore doesn't tell you that he owns over a quarter of a million dollars in stock. And that stock is in American companies. Um, yes those same companies that he rails about. And he is a self proclaimed multi-millionaire. Not jut a millionaire. But a multi-millionaire. Dude has millions of dollars from living in a capitalist society. But, of course, he never tells you this because that would change your perspective on him. He is not a working stiff from Flint, but rather he is getting stiff with his millions. (Oh, come on, that's funny. Imagine Michael Moore rolling around on his bed with his money. After all, its not like he is going to have a line of women waiting for him!)
Hey, you want to criticize the country, go for it. But at least do it from a position of honesty. Michael Mofo is just not honest with people. He ignores the fact that he has made millions and millions of dollars from his crappy movies. He ignores the fact that he is invested in the same companies he claims to hate. He makes these movies because people watch them. Of course, what people, I don't know. Yes, actually I do. My liberal friends. My very liberal friends. And there are enough of those people in this country to make Michelle Moore (come on, dude is at least a D cup) a very rich person.
Here is to Miguel Moro (he seems to like communism so much that maybe he is from Cuba) being honest in his next high school produced beta movie.
First, does anyone really like Michael Moore movies? Really? I mean, sure some people think that the topics are interesting like Sicko or his ridiculous 9/11 movie. I think it was called "Ridiculous, A Michael Moore Conspiracy Theory Crazier than Oliver Stone." Was that not the title? Maybe it was his Columbine movie which I believe was called "Columbine: I am making money off of other people's tragedy." Maybe it was his little known movie "Michael Moore: I live in a Mansion."
Which gets me to the point of this little rant. His latest movie is supposed to show that the free market system has caused a whole host of ills for this country. He compares capitalism to pure evil and has a priest talk about capitalism as if it is the devil. Part of this movie is about Moore's personal life and how he wanted to be an activist priest. Finally, he wants to show that capitalism is a system that is set up to make a profit on anything.
Okay, so lets start with some basics. You have a few basic economic models. Capitalism, socialism and communism. There are variations of these, but these are your three basic models. (If you don't trust me, David Lang, Professor of Economics at CSU Sacramento, will explain it to you. Trust me - nice guy and he actually continued getting degrees in economics until he had a PhD!) Communism has failed. I guess technically it still exists in places like Cuba, but if it worked that well, wouldn't people stop defecting from Cuba, especially on little rafts in a big, shark filled ocean? Socialism is around, but lets face it: it aint that good!
Socialized medicine is terrible. Proof? Here is the hearing test in Canada when you apply for residency. You stand in a room and the person administering the test stands behind you. They then say a word at about regular speaking level and you have to repeat it. Yep, that is how they check your hearing in Canada. Nice, huh? (Honest to goodness: this is a true story!!)
As for capitalism being the devil, really? Really, do we think it is that bad? Capitalism, of course, is what lets Michael Moo (dude kind of looks like a cow, doesn't he?) do what he does: make bad movies. If we were in a communist society, he wouldn't be able to make these movies. If we were in a socialist society, he wouldn't have the resources to make these movies. But, we are in a capitalist society and apparently that bothers Michael Mooron. (Yes, I know it is spelled wrong - it is a play on his last name!)
Of course, Michael Moore doesn't tell you that he owns over a quarter of a million dollars in stock. And that stock is in American companies. Um, yes those same companies that he rails about. And he is a self proclaimed multi-millionaire. Not jut a millionaire. But a multi-millionaire. Dude has millions of dollars from living in a capitalist society. But, of course, he never tells you this because that would change your perspective on him. He is not a working stiff from Flint, but rather he is getting stiff with his millions. (Oh, come on, that's funny. Imagine Michael Moore rolling around on his bed with his money. After all, its not like he is going to have a line of women waiting for him!)
Hey, you want to criticize the country, go for it. But at least do it from a position of honesty. Michael Mofo is just not honest with people. He ignores the fact that he has made millions and millions of dollars from his crappy movies. He ignores the fact that he is invested in the same companies he claims to hate. He makes these movies because people watch them. Of course, what people, I don't know. Yes, actually I do. My liberal friends. My very liberal friends. And there are enough of those people in this country to make Michelle Moore (come on, dude is at least a D cup) a very rich person.
Here is to Miguel Moro (he seems to like communism so much that maybe he is from Cuba) being honest in his next high school produced beta movie.
Monday, September 21, 2009
The J.C. Show
Okay, I can't even use its real name. Its a radio show. But it is so bad, that I would hate for someone to go listen to it because of my blog. But...............
So I was driving to get dinner the other night. I am flipping through the AM dial looking for something other than a baseball game on the radio. Isn't baseball boring enough without having to listen to it? Anyway, I put on the station and WOW! The introduction starts with "You can pray to Jesus Christ. And now you can talk to him on the radio."
Even Johnny knows it is a sin. (Okay, Charlie Daniels Band. Devil Went Down to Georgia. Get it? Really, I need you to stay up on 70s songs if you are going to read this!) But apparently these people think it is okay to tell people to call in and talk to Jesus. For those of you reading this in California, that is not Jesus (Hay-zeus), but rather Jesus. One time, at law school, my estates professor called Hay-zeus to answer a question. Except she kept pronouncing it Jesus. As in the son of God. Repeatedly like Ben Stein calling out Bueller. It was hilarious. As in roll on the ground funny.
Anyway, the premise of the show is that you can call Jesus and ask questions. How does that work? Something like this:
Caller: "Hi Jesus. It is me Mary. Thank you for helping me in my life."
Host: "You are welcome, Mary."
Caller: "Jesus, I have jealousy in my heart. How do I get rid of jealousy?"
Host: "Mary, as you know, I have said jealousy is a sin........."
Yes, these people are calling in and pretending that the host on the radio show is Jesus. And he never gives his name. He answers as if he is Jesus. His telephone number is AREA CODE-HOLY-HOST. Yes, you call in to the HOLY HOST.
What the hell? Okay, pardon that expression. If I recall, isn't it a sin to worship anyone other than God? Now, I am not the most religious guy in the world, but I am pretty sure calling in to a dude who is pretending to be Jesus is not quite what God had in mind. I think he is cool with you asking questions to your priest/pastor/rabbi/shaman etc.... But some random dude on the radio? Really?
Imagine if Howard Stern had people call in and talk to Jesus? Or Rob, Arnie and whatever her name is? I am pretty sure the right wing conservatives would flip out. I think they would tell you that this is sacreligious or something. I think we would see someone right wing conservative nut job yelling and threats of a boycott. But this dude gets away with it.
And whats worse? He sells crap. You can buy t-shirts and knick knacks. They even sell cups. It aint a coffe cup. It aint a dixie cup. And you sure........no wait, it is a coffee cup. Okay, this reference is to obscure for 99% of the world. So, go watch it on Youtube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=BerJdS2VJhA
Seriously, these folks are making money off of pretending to be Jesus. And it is on regular radio. How can that be? Am I the only one offended by this? And I am not even religious. Seriously, how can anyone not be ticked off by this guy? He should at least man up and tell us his name.
I think the Jesus Christ Radio Show should really be called the Marshall Appelwhite Hour. (Go check out wikipedia and its funny. Trust me.)
So I was driving to get dinner the other night. I am flipping through the AM dial looking for something other than a baseball game on the radio. Isn't baseball boring enough without having to listen to it? Anyway, I put on the station and WOW! The introduction starts with "You can pray to Jesus Christ. And now you can talk to him on the radio."
Even Johnny knows it is a sin. (Okay, Charlie Daniels Band. Devil Went Down to Georgia. Get it? Really, I need you to stay up on 70s songs if you are going to read this!) But apparently these people think it is okay to tell people to call in and talk to Jesus. For those of you reading this in California, that is not Jesus (Hay-zeus), but rather Jesus. One time, at law school, my estates professor called Hay-zeus to answer a question. Except she kept pronouncing it Jesus. As in the son of God. Repeatedly like Ben Stein calling out Bueller. It was hilarious. As in roll on the ground funny.
Anyway, the premise of the show is that you can call Jesus and ask questions. How does that work? Something like this:
Caller: "Hi Jesus. It is me Mary. Thank you for helping me in my life."
Host: "You are welcome, Mary."
Caller: "Jesus, I have jealousy in my heart. How do I get rid of jealousy?"
Host: "Mary, as you know, I have said jealousy is a sin........."
Yes, these people are calling in and pretending that the host on the radio show is Jesus. And he never gives his name. He answers as if he is Jesus. His telephone number is AREA CODE-HOLY-HOST. Yes, you call in to the HOLY HOST.
What the hell? Okay, pardon that expression. If I recall, isn't it a sin to worship anyone other than God? Now, I am not the most religious guy in the world, but I am pretty sure calling in to a dude who is pretending to be Jesus is not quite what God had in mind. I think he is cool with you asking questions to your priest/pastor/rabbi/shaman etc.... But some random dude on the radio? Really?
Imagine if Howard Stern had people call in and talk to Jesus? Or Rob, Arnie and whatever her name is? I am pretty sure the right wing conservatives would flip out. I think they would tell you that this is sacreligious or something. I think we would see someone right wing conservative nut job yelling and threats of a boycott. But this dude gets away with it.
And whats worse? He sells crap. You can buy t-shirts and knick knacks. They even sell cups. It aint a coffe cup. It aint a dixie cup. And you sure........no wait, it is a coffee cup. Okay, this reference is to obscure for 99% of the world. So, go watch it on Youtube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=BerJdS2VJhA
Seriously, these folks are making money off of pretending to be Jesus. And it is on regular radio. How can that be? Am I the only one offended by this? And I am not even religious. Seriously, how can anyone not be ticked off by this guy? He should at least man up and tell us his name.
I think the Jesus Christ Radio Show should really be called the Marshall Appelwhite Hour. (Go check out wikipedia and its funny. Trust me.)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Three People Who Suck - A LOT!
Its been a long week. No, a long two weeks. No, a long three weeks. Basically, its been a long few weeks and I am grumpy. People are morons. Not all people. Not even most people. Just some people. Its just that some people suck a lot more than others. I have come across three people in the last 48 hours who suck. A ton. A lot of tons. These three suck more than adding up the weight of all of the Duggars. These three suck more than all of the moms from Toddlers and Tiaras. These three suck more than Kanye West - and that is a lot. By the way, why does anyone invite that guy anywhere? He has no social skills. None. He should go some place special - some place where Tom Hanks got lost in Cast Away. So, without further rants, here are my top 3 sucky people of the week (or month or year), in no particular order:
1. Another attorney. I won't name this young associate at a big law firm. The Lawyers Big Brain Sucks. (I just gave you a hint. Its funny. Go read it again. Trust me.) Anyway, he thinks he is so smart. I think he thinks his stuff don't stink. It does. Badly! Dude served me with discovery. I have answers due on Friday. I faxed him a letter at 9pm last night explaining that I have been out most of the last 4 weeks or so and I needed a three week extension. This bright guy writes back to me and says he will give me a one week extension. He also tells me how my inability to respond shows that my case is not very good.
Huh? My case is fine. I just haven't been able to do the work. I know some people think I have 28 hours in a day. But, alas, I only have 24 hours in a day. (And see #2 - I don't have 48 hours in a day either!) And when you subtract hospital time and family time, it left me like -3 hours a day. Hey, smart guy: some of us take care of our other responsibilities first because we expect professional courtesy. If that is too much for you, go sail a boat around the world by yourself. Do something solitary like that. The rest of the world will run better without you!
2. The State Bar. I know - a favorite topic of mine. There is an article in the current Bar Journal (by the way, calling it a journal is a bit like calling my blog actual writing) about the new State Bar President. There is so much to criticize. But let me keep it simple. He says he is going to split his time as follows: 75% as State Bar President, 75% practicing law and 50% on his family. WOW!
First, let me make this perfectly clear: You can only have 100% of your time. There are not 48 hours in a day, Mr. President. There are only 24. Is it really that hard? Do we wonder why high school kids cannot do basic math when a lawyer thinks he has 200% of his time? Sheesh. Here is an idea: if I can find 10 high school kids who recognize the mistake, el presidente, then you should make a donation to their high school. Deal?
Second, it is not funny. It is not laugh out loud funny. It is not chuckle worthy. It is not even ha ha funny. In fact, I have seen whoopie cushions that are funnier than this.
Third, it does not mean you are a hard worker. It means you have absolutely no common sense. If your family is last, your priorities are screwed up. Go read Tuesdays with Morrie. Go see Dr. Phil. Go talk to someone who has lost someone. I know you are older than dirt, but please, get into the current decade. Or any time in the last 2 decades. People do not respect you because you claim to work 3 times as much as you spend with your family. People just realize that you have no freaking sense. Octomom has more common sense than you. Guliani and Bill have more common sense than you and they can barely complete full sentences. Seriously, anyone on Project Runway would be able to recognize that you have absolutely no sense in the 21st Century.
3. School Board members. Okay, so there is a school board member in my town. Short version of the story: She went out on disability. She started taking a prescription for pain even though it was not for pain. She gambled and ran up huge debts. She blamed it on the prescription. She filed for bankruptcy. She then borrowed money from a friend and told the friend she would pay her back after she settled her case against the drug company. She then amended her bankruptcy to include the friend. After her bankruptcy was discharged, she settled her case against the drug company for about $300,000 - or so the story goes. She tells people it was a lot of money.
So many things wrong with this. First, she had compulsive gambling but was not compulsive when she was on the school board? Really? Come now. Do we look that dumb? We don't, but the rest of the school board believes her. Yes, these folks believe that she was not compulsive at all in her school board dealings but was compulsive in her personal life. Sheesh. Our school board members are dumber than rocks.
Second, she was taking this for an off label use. Who's problem is that? Not ours.
Third, she screwed her friend. And she has no problem with that. Sure, it may be legal. But it isn't ethical. So, now we have a school board member who is unethical. Nice. That is what we want to teach our kids. How about we have her and the State Bar President get together and teach a class. Math for unethical imbeciles. Of course, most of the students would be able to figure it out better than the teachers.
Oh, and by the way lady, you did not have a compulsion to sex. No one would have sex with you. The folks at the Society for the Blind turned you down. Sexaholics Anonymous members wouldn't even touch you. The Aint's fans of the 80s would give you all of their paper bags and Bill Clinton still wouldn't touch you. Let's be real.
So, there you have it. Three people who suck - a lot. September 16, 2009 edition.
1. Another attorney. I won't name this young associate at a big law firm. The Lawyers Big Brain Sucks. (I just gave you a hint. Its funny. Go read it again. Trust me.) Anyway, he thinks he is so smart. I think he thinks his stuff don't stink. It does. Badly! Dude served me with discovery. I have answers due on Friday. I faxed him a letter at 9pm last night explaining that I have been out most of the last 4 weeks or so and I needed a three week extension. This bright guy writes back to me and says he will give me a one week extension. He also tells me how my inability to respond shows that my case is not very good.
Huh? My case is fine. I just haven't been able to do the work. I know some people think I have 28 hours in a day. But, alas, I only have 24 hours in a day. (And see #2 - I don't have 48 hours in a day either!) And when you subtract hospital time and family time, it left me like -3 hours a day. Hey, smart guy: some of us take care of our other responsibilities first because we expect professional courtesy. If that is too much for you, go sail a boat around the world by yourself. Do something solitary like that. The rest of the world will run better without you!
2. The State Bar. I know - a favorite topic of mine. There is an article in the current Bar Journal (by the way, calling it a journal is a bit like calling my blog actual writing) about the new State Bar President. There is so much to criticize. But let me keep it simple. He says he is going to split his time as follows: 75% as State Bar President, 75% practicing law and 50% on his family. WOW!
First, let me make this perfectly clear: You can only have 100% of your time. There are not 48 hours in a day, Mr. President. There are only 24. Is it really that hard? Do we wonder why high school kids cannot do basic math when a lawyer thinks he has 200% of his time? Sheesh. Here is an idea: if I can find 10 high school kids who recognize the mistake, el presidente, then you should make a donation to their high school. Deal?
Second, it is not funny. It is not laugh out loud funny. It is not chuckle worthy. It is not even ha ha funny. In fact, I have seen whoopie cushions that are funnier than this.
Third, it does not mean you are a hard worker. It means you have absolutely no common sense. If your family is last, your priorities are screwed up. Go read Tuesdays with Morrie. Go see Dr. Phil. Go talk to someone who has lost someone. I know you are older than dirt, but please, get into the current decade. Or any time in the last 2 decades. People do not respect you because you claim to work 3 times as much as you spend with your family. People just realize that you have no freaking sense. Octomom has more common sense than you. Guliani and Bill have more common sense than you and they can barely complete full sentences. Seriously, anyone on Project Runway would be able to recognize that you have absolutely no sense in the 21st Century.
3. School Board members. Okay, so there is a school board member in my town. Short version of the story: She went out on disability. She started taking a prescription for pain even though it was not for pain. She gambled and ran up huge debts. She blamed it on the prescription. She filed for bankruptcy. She then borrowed money from a friend and told the friend she would pay her back after she settled her case against the drug company. She then amended her bankruptcy to include the friend. After her bankruptcy was discharged, she settled her case against the drug company for about $300,000 - or so the story goes. She tells people it was a lot of money.
So many things wrong with this. First, she had compulsive gambling but was not compulsive when she was on the school board? Really? Come now. Do we look that dumb? We don't, but the rest of the school board believes her. Yes, these folks believe that she was not compulsive at all in her school board dealings but was compulsive in her personal life. Sheesh. Our school board members are dumber than rocks.
Second, she was taking this for an off label use. Who's problem is that? Not ours.
Third, she screwed her friend. And she has no problem with that. Sure, it may be legal. But it isn't ethical. So, now we have a school board member who is unethical. Nice. That is what we want to teach our kids. How about we have her and the State Bar President get together and teach a class. Math for unethical imbeciles. Of course, most of the students would be able to figure it out better than the teachers.
Oh, and by the way lady, you did not have a compulsion to sex. No one would have sex with you. The folks at the Society for the Blind turned you down. Sexaholics Anonymous members wouldn't even touch you. The Aint's fans of the 80s would give you all of their paper bags and Bill Clinton still wouldn't touch you. Let's be real.
So, there you have it. Three people who suck - a lot. September 16, 2009 edition.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Freaking Homeowners Association
I am sure there is some advantage to living in a house that is part of a homeowners association. After all, the houses don't get painted sky blue or baby blue. There is no dark green trim or baby puke green trim. You don't have people with 6 feet of weeds in their yard. You don't have.........well, I am sure there are other benefits. There are other benefits, right? Please tell me there are other benefits. Something? Anything?
You see, I have the homeowners association from h-e-double hockey sticks. These folks are so inept that they make George W. Bush look like he has a firm grasp of world leaders. These folks are so bad at their jobs that they make Kate Gosselin look like a marriage counselor. These people are so incompetent that they make the ABA look like they have some clue on scheduling meetings in the USA!
Today in my mail, I got a $50 fine for having weeds in my lawn. Not excessive weeds. Not big weeds. Just weeds. Let me run down the top 5 list of places that have weeds in grass:
1. All of Humboldt County has weed (different kind, sure, but still weed);
2. the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field;
3. The White House lawn;
4. Paris Hilton (no wait, she has crabs in the grass, not weeds, dang it);
5. August National.
Let me see if I get this. Tiger Woods, the $100 million man, can play golf in weeds, but I can't have my kids run around in grass with weeds. The most powerful man in the free world can have weeds and I can't? Remember, this isn't tall weeds or excessive weeds, but rather weeds. WTF?
Of course, these are the same people who fined me $50 last fall because I had leaves on my lawn. Leaves on the lawn? In the fall? Damn you, trees. Damn you. Do not ever have your freaking leaves fall on my lawn. If you do, I shall strike thee down with a lightning bolt. Do not give me this change of seasons crap. Leaves should not fall on my lawn. It is my lawn and I live in the area with the homeowners association that hates leaves. Ever. Any time. Leaves are clearly the warriors of Satan in a fight for my home's soul.
How incompetent is this group? They scheduled a dog walk for July 4th and thought people would come. One problem: they never got a permit. OOPS! How do you forget to get a permit? Isn't that like having a party and forgetting to reserve a location? Then they rescheduled it for the same day as the start of the soccer season. They were stunned when they had a couple dozen people show up instead of the 1,000 they told sponsors they would get. Really? You think mom and dad are going to go to a dog walk instead of taking little Timmy to his soccer pictures and soccer game? Soccer pictures happen one time with your team. You can walk your dog pretty much anytime you want. And these people were genuinely surprised.
The association has a great policy. Do you know how they find violations? They have neighbors rat you out. That builds great neighborhood spirit. "Hey Bill. How are you doing?" Meanwhile, he is checking out your lawn to see if you have a weed so he can report you. Then he reports you and the association sends someone out to take pictures. At this point, wouldn't it work to go say "Bill, we had a complaint from someone about your lawn. Can you put down some Roundup on the weeds?" But, no. Instead they send out a letter and a fine.
They forget to tell you that if you don't pay the fine, they just keep sending it to you. There are people in the association who owe thousands of dollars and the association does nothing to collect it. I think at some point it must stale date and you can't call it an asset anymore. Of course, the board members are still laughing thinking I called someone an ass when I used the word asset. Its like Beavis and freaking Butthead. But at least Beavis could put together a complete sentence.
Of course, if you are the President of the Association, you get a free pass. Your vacant lots are allowed to have weeds grow 5 feet high. And you get until May 1 to cut them down in case it rains and they grow back. That's my excuse. I want to let me grass grow as much as a hirsute woman and tell them its not May 1 yet so I can't be fined!
This dweeb actually told a friend of mine that he wanted me to come to a meeting so he could show me he was smarter than me. I think he meant by using big words. Or using words he thinks are big. He probably was sitting around coming up with words like sassafras. He was going to call me a sassafras soda or something. Trust me, dude is less bright than the people who think its sad that I made fun of Michael Jackson.
The rest of the board is full of pansies who refuse to do anything. Not one single thing. They don't vote on anything. I think they have meetings solely so they can sit around and tell each other how great they are. They sit around and say things like "We are such a good board since we haven't had anyone yell at us ever." Of course, they ignore the fact that they haven't advertised their meetings in the last 6 years. They send out notices AFTER they meet. How useful is that?
I have an idea: how about the homeowners association spend their time doing something better than fining people for having a weed? How about they stop scheduling dog walks during major events? How about they all go on a field trip far, far away?
You see, I have the homeowners association from h-e-double hockey sticks. These folks are so inept that they make George W. Bush look like he has a firm grasp of world leaders. These folks are so bad at their jobs that they make Kate Gosselin look like a marriage counselor. These people are so incompetent that they make the ABA look like they have some clue on scheduling meetings in the USA!
Today in my mail, I got a $50 fine for having weeds in my lawn. Not excessive weeds. Not big weeds. Just weeds. Let me run down the top 5 list of places that have weeds in grass:
1. All of Humboldt County has weed (different kind, sure, but still weed);
2. the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field;
3. The White House lawn;
4. Paris Hilton (no wait, she has crabs in the grass, not weeds, dang it);
5. August National.
Let me see if I get this. Tiger Woods, the $100 million man, can play golf in weeds, but I can't have my kids run around in grass with weeds. The most powerful man in the free world can have weeds and I can't? Remember, this isn't tall weeds or excessive weeds, but rather weeds. WTF?
Of course, these are the same people who fined me $50 last fall because I had leaves on my lawn. Leaves on the lawn? In the fall? Damn you, trees. Damn you. Do not ever have your freaking leaves fall on my lawn. If you do, I shall strike thee down with a lightning bolt. Do not give me this change of seasons crap. Leaves should not fall on my lawn. It is my lawn and I live in the area with the homeowners association that hates leaves. Ever. Any time. Leaves are clearly the warriors of Satan in a fight for my home's soul.
How incompetent is this group? They scheduled a dog walk for July 4th and thought people would come. One problem: they never got a permit. OOPS! How do you forget to get a permit? Isn't that like having a party and forgetting to reserve a location? Then they rescheduled it for the same day as the start of the soccer season. They were stunned when they had a couple dozen people show up instead of the 1,000 they told sponsors they would get. Really? You think mom and dad are going to go to a dog walk instead of taking little Timmy to his soccer pictures and soccer game? Soccer pictures happen one time with your team. You can walk your dog pretty much anytime you want. And these people were genuinely surprised.
The association has a great policy. Do you know how they find violations? They have neighbors rat you out. That builds great neighborhood spirit. "Hey Bill. How are you doing?" Meanwhile, he is checking out your lawn to see if you have a weed so he can report you. Then he reports you and the association sends someone out to take pictures. At this point, wouldn't it work to go say "Bill, we had a complaint from someone about your lawn. Can you put down some Roundup on the weeds?" But, no. Instead they send out a letter and a fine.
They forget to tell you that if you don't pay the fine, they just keep sending it to you. There are people in the association who owe thousands of dollars and the association does nothing to collect it. I think at some point it must stale date and you can't call it an asset anymore. Of course, the board members are still laughing thinking I called someone an ass when I used the word asset. Its like Beavis and freaking Butthead. But at least Beavis could put together a complete sentence.
Of course, if you are the President of the Association, you get a free pass. Your vacant lots are allowed to have weeds grow 5 feet high. And you get until May 1 to cut them down in case it rains and they grow back. That's my excuse. I want to let me grass grow as much as a hirsute woman and tell them its not May 1 yet so I can't be fined!
This dweeb actually told a friend of mine that he wanted me to come to a meeting so he could show me he was smarter than me. I think he meant by using big words. Or using words he thinks are big. He probably was sitting around coming up with words like sassafras. He was going to call me a sassafras soda or something. Trust me, dude is less bright than the people who think its sad that I made fun of Michael Jackson.
The rest of the board is full of pansies who refuse to do anything. Not one single thing. They don't vote on anything. I think they have meetings solely so they can sit around and tell each other how great they are. They sit around and say things like "We are such a good board since we haven't had anyone yell at us ever." Of course, they ignore the fact that they haven't advertised their meetings in the last 6 years. They send out notices AFTER they meet. How useful is that?
I have an idea: how about the homeowners association spend their time doing something better than fining people for having a weed? How about they stop scheduling dog walks during major events? How about they all go on a field trip far, far away?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
What's the deal with Facebook?
I care about this. Trust me. I do. It is important to me. It is deeply important to me. I have been contemplating this for a week. Yes, Alison, a week. It is as important to me as the President of the United States. It is as important as the spray on mobile tan dude who is a perv. Even if some of you doubt me, and you know who you are, this is an issue that is vitally important to this country.
What is it? Facebook. What is the deal with Facebook? Well, it is not really Facebook that I have an issue with. It is Facebook users. Specifically, a few specific types of users. These people should be taken off Facebook for at least 60 days - maybe 60 years. Of course, in 60 days Facebook could be as useless as MySpace, or worse, as AOL. Does anyone really use AOL anymore? Of course, at least AOL still exists. My dad was sure Prodigy would take off. That might be the biggest mistake he made! Anyway, Facebook users who should be banned:
1. The bad profile picture. I don't just mean a bad picture. I mean the picture that says "I think this is an online dating website." Or worse, the picture that says "I think I should be a porn star." You know, the picture that is cropped so you see the face or the chest or the ........ The picture where someone has that coy "Come hither big boy" smile. The picture where the person has that "I want it and I want it now" look. YUCK! Look, I don't really care if you are looking for a date. I don't care if your girlfriend or boyfriend or your eunuch or hermaphrodite doesn't put out. I am not going to either. If you want to put up a picture like that, try Craigslist or the back of your local free weekly or Match.com. Trust me. And that will save us from having to look at it.
2. The quoteaholic. Okay, your Facebook status can be a lot of things: funny, dumb, lame, ridiculous, a statement about what you are doing. But does every status have to be a quote. "To be or not to be." "Love is a battlefield." "Do wa ditty, ditty dum ditty do." "I love you sweatshirt, redhooded, sweatshirt, sham a lam a ding dong." I think I could do a whole blog of quotes. Just quote after quote after quote. But what does that say, other than I know how to use Google? There are something like 21,000,000 websites with famous quotes. So, I can Google and pick them out. (By the way, every quote in here is something I knew without looking up.) Really, it gets old. Stop with the freaking quotes. We don't want them. Maybe a gem once in a while, but not every freaking update. Please?
3. The religious updates. I get that some people are religious. Some people think everything is done by God. I get it. I just read a good book about Liberty University, The Unlikely Disciple. Good book. Go read it. Now. Order it on Amazon. Or email me and ask for my copy. Really. www.kevinroose.com. Anyway, I digress. There is something new. If you want to update your profile with religious quotes, spiritual texts, etc... than go get a page on Myspace for Christians. Yes, it exists. I get it. I take no position on religion. At least not on the blog. It is fine. But its not for everyone and don't put it on your blog everyday. Please? For those of us who may not be as religious as you. Please?
Am I really asking for much? Can we institute a 60 day ban on these things? Please? And can you please update your picture? It doesn't have to be G rated, but how about PG13? Please? I don't want to see any more skin on my friends than absolutely necessary and that is very little!
What is it? Facebook. What is the deal with Facebook? Well, it is not really Facebook that I have an issue with. It is Facebook users. Specifically, a few specific types of users. These people should be taken off Facebook for at least 60 days - maybe 60 years. Of course, in 60 days Facebook could be as useless as MySpace, or worse, as AOL. Does anyone really use AOL anymore? Of course, at least AOL still exists. My dad was sure Prodigy would take off. That might be the biggest mistake he made! Anyway, Facebook users who should be banned:
1. The bad profile picture. I don't just mean a bad picture. I mean the picture that says "I think this is an online dating website." Or worse, the picture that says "I think I should be a porn star." You know, the picture that is cropped so you see the face or the chest or the ........ The picture where someone has that coy "Come hither big boy" smile. The picture where the person has that "I want it and I want it now" look. YUCK! Look, I don't really care if you are looking for a date. I don't care if your girlfriend or boyfriend or your eunuch or hermaphrodite doesn't put out. I am not going to either. If you want to put up a picture like that, try Craigslist or the back of your local free weekly or Match.com. Trust me. And that will save us from having to look at it.
2. The quoteaholic. Okay, your Facebook status can be a lot of things: funny, dumb, lame, ridiculous, a statement about what you are doing. But does every status have to be a quote. "To be or not to be." "Love is a battlefield." "Do wa ditty, ditty dum ditty do." "I love you sweatshirt, redhooded, sweatshirt, sham a lam a ding dong." I think I could do a whole blog of quotes. Just quote after quote after quote. But what does that say, other than I know how to use Google? There are something like 21,000,000 websites with famous quotes. So, I can Google and pick them out. (By the way, every quote in here is something I knew without looking up.) Really, it gets old. Stop with the freaking quotes. We don't want them. Maybe a gem once in a while, but not every freaking update. Please?
3. The religious updates. I get that some people are religious. Some people think everything is done by God. I get it. I just read a good book about Liberty University, The Unlikely Disciple. Good book. Go read it. Now. Order it on Amazon. Or email me and ask for my copy. Really. www.kevinroose.com. Anyway, I digress. There is something new. If you want to update your profile with religious quotes, spiritual texts, etc... than go get a page on Myspace for Christians. Yes, it exists. I get it. I take no position on religion. At least not on the blog. It is fine. But its not for everyone and don't put it on your blog everyday. Please? For those of us who may not be as religious as you. Please?
Am I really asking for much? Can we institute a 60 day ban on these things? Please? And can you please update your picture? It doesn't have to be G rated, but how about PG13? Please? I don't want to see any more skin on my friends than absolutely necessary and that is very little!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Three stories about the legal profession
So, I thought I would share three stories about the legal profession. I think these stories illustrate why people hate lawyers and why being a lawyer isn't all that you think it is. In fact, sometimes it just flat out sucks! How should I do this? Worst to best? Order of how they occurred? Just however it comes out? I vote for the last one. That's how I blog - whatever happens to be said. If you haven't figured that out by now, you are a new reader.
DB #1 - The piss ant paralegal. There are two kinds of paralegals in this world - the good ones and the bad ones. Its really quite simple. I know a couple of good ones. Some are really good. But the bad ones - really bad. And one characteristic of a bad paralegal - they want to be an attorney. They act like an attorney, they talk like an attorney, they think their s*** don't stink like some attorneys. Well, actually, they try to act like an attorney, they try to talk like an attorney and they do think their s*** don't stink like an attorney. You all know this type of person. There is one in every profession.
So little piss any paralegal, Eric or Bill or something like that, no wait, its Eric, calls me up. He wants to talk about a case where his firm did something that is unethical. I explain to him why it was unethical and go through the facts. Now look, I get that sometime there is a disagreement about facts. My client thinks he has a green light and the other party thinks he has a green light. Obviously, both don't have a green light at the same time. But, that is up for discussion. The three letters that Erica sent me (yes, I just called him a woman, problem with that?) that he signed are not up for discussion. His signature is on it. After I lay this out for him, and its all in writing, he says to me, and this is a direct quote, "I am not going to admit to anything." Dude, this isn't admitting to anything. I have your f-ing signature on it. I am not asking you to admit it - I am stating it as a fact. This is not a trial. You are not on the witness stand. However, your statements make me realize that: a) you are a liar, b) you are a sack of flaming poo that someone stepped on after answering their doorbell and c) you should be waterboarded. But, hey, dude, keep it up. I am sure you get far in life by being a no good lying SOB who probably got forced to wash the football team's jock straps after games.
DB #2 - The one eyed lawyer. Okay, so dude may have two eyes, but only one works. And that is even up for debate. I understand neither one works. No, he doesn't have a lazy eye. He has no eye. None. Its like wood or metal or whatever they make fake eyes out of. And those of you who know me really well, no it takes a lot for me to make eye jokes about a guy. I would think if you had one eye, you would be a bit less of a turd. But, no, it turns out one eyed guys are big turds too. Maybe even bigger.
This guy apparently didn't like my contacting him by email. Of course, he never returned my 6 calls or responded to my two faxes. His "call center" said he was never in. I smell a tangent coming. If you run a small business, and by small I mean you are the only employee, you should not have a "call center." If you are going to use an answering service, how about if they just answer the phones "Law Office of Ritr Pesner" and then they tell people you are not in. Easy enough? Anyway, dude sends me a disparaging email and then says he will not communicate with me anymore. Really? What are we, like 5th graders? "I am not talking to you anymore." The difference is that in 5th grade, I would go tell the teacher. Now I will just sue your deadbeat clients. So, it will end up costing them money because you are a moronic idiot. This is a good reason people hate attorneys: some of us are sophomoric pantywastes.
DB #3 - If you are a friend on Facebook or if you have been lucky enough, and I mean that sarcastically, to have me call you in the last 48 hours, you have heard this story. This lady is so ugly that she makes Medusa look like the prom queen. No wait, she is so ugly she makes Susan Boyle looks like Cameron Diaz from a few years ago. You know, when Cameron Diaz was hot. Really hot. So, ugly attorney lady apparently has no social skills. Someone told me that you can't be a b*tch if you are ugly. Apparently, this lady didn't get the message.
So, Thursday my son had to be rushed to the ER. He ended up having an emergency appendectomy. He is still recovering. But, I had a client call me and tell me she needed an answer filed in a case on Thursday. I couldn't do it as I was at the ER. So, I call the attorney and ask for an extension. She tells me no. I explain that I am at the hospital and my son is about to have surgery. And she still tells me no. WTF? My kid is in the hospital and you won't give me an extension of a few days. Not can't, but won't. You are choosing not to. Fine. Do you know what that makes you? That makes you a bleeper bleeper piece of bleep who should be taken out back and smacked until your bleeping attitude changes you worthless bleeper. Or, it makes you the most vile human being I know and a person who thinks that by having a law degree, you need to enforce the law regardless of the circumstances. You are a sad, pathetic excuse for an attorney, no wait, a sad, pathetic excuse for a person. You should have your insides ripped out while you are awake. You should never be able to reproduce. You should have to watch as your most prized possession is cut up and glued back together, you worthless b*tch.
Wheh. I feel better. Oh, and DB stands for douchebag. But you knew that. Now I am going to spend more time with my son and stop dealing with people who have absolutely no clue about how to be a human being, much less a legal professional.
DB #1 - The piss ant paralegal. There are two kinds of paralegals in this world - the good ones and the bad ones. Its really quite simple. I know a couple of good ones. Some are really good. But the bad ones - really bad. And one characteristic of a bad paralegal - they want to be an attorney. They act like an attorney, they talk like an attorney, they think their s*** don't stink like some attorneys. Well, actually, they try to act like an attorney, they try to talk like an attorney and they do think their s*** don't stink like an attorney. You all know this type of person. There is one in every profession.
So little piss any paralegal, Eric or Bill or something like that, no wait, its Eric, calls me up. He wants to talk about a case where his firm did something that is unethical. I explain to him why it was unethical and go through the facts. Now look, I get that sometime there is a disagreement about facts. My client thinks he has a green light and the other party thinks he has a green light. Obviously, both don't have a green light at the same time. But, that is up for discussion. The three letters that Erica sent me (yes, I just called him a woman, problem with that?) that he signed are not up for discussion. His signature is on it. After I lay this out for him, and its all in writing, he says to me, and this is a direct quote, "I am not going to admit to anything." Dude, this isn't admitting to anything. I have your f-ing signature on it. I am not asking you to admit it - I am stating it as a fact. This is not a trial. You are not on the witness stand. However, your statements make me realize that: a) you are a liar, b) you are a sack of flaming poo that someone stepped on after answering their doorbell and c) you should be waterboarded. But, hey, dude, keep it up. I am sure you get far in life by being a no good lying SOB who probably got forced to wash the football team's jock straps after games.
DB #2 - The one eyed lawyer. Okay, so dude may have two eyes, but only one works. And that is even up for debate. I understand neither one works. No, he doesn't have a lazy eye. He has no eye. None. Its like wood or metal or whatever they make fake eyes out of. And those of you who know me really well, no it takes a lot for me to make eye jokes about a guy. I would think if you had one eye, you would be a bit less of a turd. But, no, it turns out one eyed guys are big turds too. Maybe even bigger.
This guy apparently didn't like my contacting him by email. Of course, he never returned my 6 calls or responded to my two faxes. His "call center" said he was never in. I smell a tangent coming. If you run a small business, and by small I mean you are the only employee, you should not have a "call center." If you are going to use an answering service, how about if they just answer the phones "Law Office of Ritr Pesner" and then they tell people you are not in. Easy enough? Anyway, dude sends me a disparaging email and then says he will not communicate with me anymore. Really? What are we, like 5th graders? "I am not talking to you anymore." The difference is that in 5th grade, I would go tell the teacher. Now I will just sue your deadbeat clients. So, it will end up costing them money because you are a moronic idiot. This is a good reason people hate attorneys: some of us are sophomoric pantywastes.
DB #3 - If you are a friend on Facebook or if you have been lucky enough, and I mean that sarcastically, to have me call you in the last 48 hours, you have heard this story. This lady is so ugly that she makes Medusa look like the prom queen. No wait, she is so ugly she makes Susan Boyle looks like Cameron Diaz from a few years ago. You know, when Cameron Diaz was hot. Really hot. So, ugly attorney lady apparently has no social skills. Someone told me that you can't be a b*tch if you are ugly. Apparently, this lady didn't get the message.
So, Thursday my son had to be rushed to the ER. He ended up having an emergency appendectomy. He is still recovering. But, I had a client call me and tell me she needed an answer filed in a case on Thursday. I couldn't do it as I was at the ER. So, I call the attorney and ask for an extension. She tells me no. I explain that I am at the hospital and my son is about to have surgery. And she still tells me no. WTF? My kid is in the hospital and you won't give me an extension of a few days. Not can't, but won't. You are choosing not to. Fine. Do you know what that makes you? That makes you a bleeper bleeper piece of bleep who should be taken out back and smacked until your bleeping attitude changes you worthless bleeper. Or, it makes you the most vile human being I know and a person who thinks that by having a law degree, you need to enforce the law regardless of the circumstances. You are a sad, pathetic excuse for an attorney, no wait, a sad, pathetic excuse for a person. You should have your insides ripped out while you are awake. You should never be able to reproduce. You should have to watch as your most prized possession is cut up and glued back together, you worthless b*tch.
Wheh. I feel better. Oh, and DB stands for douchebag. But you knew that. Now I am going to spend more time with my son and stop dealing with people who have absolutely no clue about how to be a human being, much less a legal professional.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
An Open Letter to Alyson Huber
Look, I know it must be hard being in the legislature. You have to collect your per diem. You have to raise money so you can be re-elected. You have to go to fundraisers and talk to people. You have to collect money from different special interest groups and make sure none of the groups are affiliated with terrorists.
But you also have a job. You have to pass a budget. No wait, that didn't happen properly and is based on faulty assumptions. Sorry. Selling State Compensation Insurance Fund was about as good an idea as say selling access to Assemblymembers. That wouldn't happen. No. Never. You can't make a donation and then be able to talk to an assemblymember. Never. I don't believe it. So, in addition to passing the budget, you have to deal with the water crisis. No wait. That isn't done either. You have to deal with prison overcrowding. Yes. You have an idea. Let's just release 40,000 prisoners. That is a good idea. And there are no public safety issues with that. None. It is a perfect idea - if you are leaving in Simsville.
Instead, you vote on bils without any knowledge. I don't want to beat a dead Michael Jackson, er, horse (is it okay to still make fun of him now that it has been ruled a homicide? or, should I make fun of him more because he was more doped up than Chris Farley?), but let me talk about some recent votes by Huber. You know what, she probably calls herself Attorney Huber or Dr. Huber. We all know those attorneys who do that: "I have a JD degree so you should call me Doctor." Does that mean people who get a BS should be called "Bulls**t Jones?" Just wondering.
Anyway, Huber writes me a letter after I call her office and email her. She thanked me for the emails. Apparently, not for the calls, but only the emails. I guess she would prefer that people not bother her busy staff. After all, it takes a lot of work to organize fundraisers and figure out which conman, er, lobbyist is going to take her to dinner that night. Maybe they have to go get pedicures while their boss sits around not doing her job. I don't know. But, I only got thanked for the emails. Maybe the staff's writing is so bad Huber couldn't read my name. Here is a hint: I am the one who called and wanted to actually get answers but couldn't!
So, she thanks me and tells me she voted for AB 764 because "In some cases, there are individuals who exploit those at their lowest point through exorbitant loan modification fees when in reality, successful loan modifications are completed for free through HUD-certified counseling agencies and lenders." Now those of you who know me personally will know that this sentence and me don't get along for a few reasons.
First, I don't know about the rest of you, but I learned not to use a 25 cent word when a 5 cent word will work. I had to go look up exorbitant. But I was just a state school graduate. It means excessive or extreme. Apparently, when you are voted into public office, you decide to use four syllable words instead of two syllable words. I don't know. Maybe she was trying to confuse me. After all, clearly I ain't that bright.
Second, that is one long sentence. I mean, she puts together like 35 words. 35? I think most of my sentences have five words - maybe ten. One time, at band camp (laugh, that's funny), I put it together with.........I mean I had a sentence with thirteen words. But, 35? Really? Break out some shorter sentences with some active verbs. Look at me - I may have learned something in English class!
Third, successful loan modifications for free from HUD agencies and lenders? Really? Does Huber read the newspaper? Any newspaper? How about my blog? How about any blog? Does she even read? Well, does she read anything in English that carries news? Did she miss the big story that less than 10% of all qualified homeowners have received a loan modification? Was she sleeping that day? Did her staff not alert her to that story? Oh, and the two biggest lenders in California - B of A and Wells Fargo - have done 6% and 4%, respectively. But you go with this ridiculous concept that people are getting them done for free. Next she is going to tell me that criminal defendants always receive a fair trial and no one is on death row mistakenly. Yes, and OJ is really innocent.
I am not asking for much. I am telling you that you aren't getting my vote next time. But, is it that hard to do some independent research before you vote on a bill? Especially a bill that would criminalize behavior when we have no room in our prisons anyway. Stop listening to the streetwalkers who pay you money so you can be re-elected again. Stop listening to folks who want you to vote "their way." Start listening to your constituents and learning the facts. Start doing some homework. Stop being such a ridiculous Lemming who does whatever Karen "I should be fired" Bass tells you to do.
By the way, she signs her letter "Sorry I wasn't able to call you personally." Don't apologize unless you mean it. Don't tell me you are sorry unless you really are sorry. If you don't mean it, don't say it. I am fine with you not calling me back. It decreases the chances I will pick up a disease. Isn't the rule that if A kisses B and then B kisses C that C has kissed A? Doesn't this work for legislators as well? If legislator A talks to disgusting voter buyer B and then legislator A talks to constituent C that C has talked to B and can pick up whatever B had? YUCK! I don't need to pass that on.
But you also have a job. You have to pass a budget. No wait, that didn't happen properly and is based on faulty assumptions. Sorry. Selling State Compensation Insurance Fund was about as good an idea as say selling access to Assemblymembers. That wouldn't happen. No. Never. You can't make a donation and then be able to talk to an assemblymember. Never. I don't believe it. So, in addition to passing the budget, you have to deal with the water crisis. No wait. That isn't done either. You have to deal with prison overcrowding. Yes. You have an idea. Let's just release 40,000 prisoners. That is a good idea. And there are no public safety issues with that. None. It is a perfect idea - if you are leaving in Simsville.
Instead, you vote on bils without any knowledge. I don't want to beat a dead Michael Jackson, er, horse (is it okay to still make fun of him now that it has been ruled a homicide? or, should I make fun of him more because he was more doped up than Chris Farley?), but let me talk about some recent votes by Huber. You know what, she probably calls herself Attorney Huber or Dr. Huber. We all know those attorneys who do that: "I have a JD degree so you should call me Doctor." Does that mean people who get a BS should be called "Bulls**t Jones?" Just wondering.
Anyway, Huber writes me a letter after I call her office and email her. She thanked me for the emails. Apparently, not for the calls, but only the emails. I guess she would prefer that people not bother her busy staff. After all, it takes a lot of work to organize fundraisers and figure out which conman, er, lobbyist is going to take her to dinner that night. Maybe they have to go get pedicures while their boss sits around not doing her job. I don't know. But, I only got thanked for the emails. Maybe the staff's writing is so bad Huber couldn't read my name. Here is a hint: I am the one who called and wanted to actually get answers but couldn't!
So, she thanks me and tells me she voted for AB 764 because "In some cases, there are individuals who exploit those at their lowest point through exorbitant loan modification fees when in reality, successful loan modifications are completed for free through HUD-certified counseling agencies and lenders." Now those of you who know me personally will know that this sentence and me don't get along for a few reasons.
First, I don't know about the rest of you, but I learned not to use a 25 cent word when a 5 cent word will work. I had to go look up exorbitant. But I was just a state school graduate. It means excessive or extreme. Apparently, when you are voted into public office, you decide to use four syllable words instead of two syllable words. I don't know. Maybe she was trying to confuse me. After all, clearly I ain't that bright.
Second, that is one long sentence. I mean, she puts together like 35 words. 35? I think most of my sentences have five words - maybe ten. One time, at band camp (laugh, that's funny), I put it together with.........I mean I had a sentence with thirteen words. But, 35? Really? Break out some shorter sentences with some active verbs. Look at me - I may have learned something in English class!
Third, successful loan modifications for free from HUD agencies and lenders? Really? Does Huber read the newspaper? Any newspaper? How about my blog? How about any blog? Does she even read? Well, does she read anything in English that carries news? Did she miss the big story that less than 10% of all qualified homeowners have received a loan modification? Was she sleeping that day? Did her staff not alert her to that story? Oh, and the two biggest lenders in California - B of A and Wells Fargo - have done 6% and 4%, respectively. But you go with this ridiculous concept that people are getting them done for free. Next she is going to tell me that criminal defendants always receive a fair trial and no one is on death row mistakenly. Yes, and OJ is really innocent.
I am not asking for much. I am telling you that you aren't getting my vote next time. But, is it that hard to do some independent research before you vote on a bill? Especially a bill that would criminalize behavior when we have no room in our prisons anyway. Stop listening to the streetwalkers who pay you money so you can be re-elected again. Stop listening to folks who want you to vote "their way." Start listening to your constituents and learning the facts. Start doing some homework. Stop being such a ridiculous Lemming who does whatever Karen "I should be fired" Bass tells you to do.
By the way, she signs her letter "Sorry I wasn't able to call you personally." Don't apologize unless you mean it. Don't tell me you are sorry unless you really are sorry. If you don't mean it, don't say it. I am fine with you not calling me back. It decreases the chances I will pick up a disease. Isn't the rule that if A kisses B and then B kisses C that C has kissed A? Doesn't this work for legislators as well? If legislator A talks to disgusting voter buyer B and then legislator A talks to constituent C that C has talked to B and can pick up whatever B had? YUCK! I don't need to pass that on.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Responsibility and Weenies
Okay, I do not mean like Liberty Mutual. "When people do it, its called responsibility. When an insurance company does it, its Liberty Mutual." No, its not. Its called marketing. You are marketing your company. You want people to see you as compassionate and great. You want them to pay you money. And, Liberty Mutual is not compassionate. They do not go to great lengths to help anyone.
Their claims are handled by people who generally cannot put out a full paragraph of thought. Seriously, I received a letter from one of their adjusters that was two sentences. Incomplete sentences. No verb. How do you consider that responsible? Responsible would be hiring people who understand proper usage of the English language. I am pretty sure my high school English teacher (who probably is smart enough not to read this) taught me how to write a complete sentence. It is not that hard.
If you want responsible, try paying claims in a timely manner. How about this: when someone is rear ended, do not deny liability for the accident? If you refuse to settle the claim, when you receive a request for admission that says "Admit the front of Defendant's car struck the rear of Plaintiff's car" respond by saying "Admit" instead of "Defendant cannot admit nor deny." You can - you choose not to. That is not responsible. It is a decision. And I am fine with it, but then don't tell people how responsible you are. That is called hypocritical.
Sorry. That was a long tangent. I really didn't mean to go there. It just happens sometimes.
Responsibility means that you are open and honest. You take a position and you stand by it. You don't run and hide. At least, that is what it means in the context of this post. Look, if you run an organization, be it a non-profit, a corporation, or your local homeowners crazy group, er, association, you are sometimes forced to make a decision. It happens. That is why you are the leader. You make the decision and you stand by it. Some people won't like it. But when they don't, you defend your position.
It really isn't that hard. Lets say you decide not to publicly oppose bad legislation. When someone says "Why didn't you oppose it?" you say "We didn't oppose it because................" I don't really care what comes after the because. It could be "because we are lame arses who couldn't understand the impact of the legislation." It could be "because we aren't smart enough to figure out the legislation." It could be "because we wussed out." It could be "because we don't want to upset someone else."
You see, the reason is less important than the fact that you stand by your position. Let me give you a real life situation. In the 80s, there was the Tylenol scare. Those of you too young to remember should google it. Johnson and Johnson pulled all Tylenol off the store shelves. People thought it was a dumb move and questioned it. And the response was simple: "We did this because we thought it was the right thing to do." Voila - problem solved. Tylenol sales shot up after it was back on the market.
You see, they explained it. It may not have been the world's most eloquent defending of a decision. It may not have even been the right decision. But they made a decision, stood by it and defended it. Now that example is used in business schools around the country as a case study.
However, other people, sit by and refuse to explain their decisions. I guess that's fine if you are a weenie. Seriously. Its like the little kid who is losing in the neighborhood football game so says "I am taking my ball and going home." That kid is a weenie. Admit it - that is what you called him growing up. Those weenies grow up to be today's weenies. And today's weenies do the same thing.
"I decided not to do x." So, why did you decide not to do x? "I am not saying." Really? That is your best comeback. Its like saying "I am rubber. You are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks on you." Seriously, it is like playing a game of Snaps and using "Yo mama so ugly she don't wear a Halloween costume." Seriously. Its lame. (By the way, try this: Yo mama so ugly she makes Michael Jackson look like George Clooney or try this: Yo mama so white she makes Michael Jackson look like he did in the 80s or try this: Yo mama so hairy she makes a poodle look bald.)
If you want to play with the big boys, you explain yourself. Plain and simple. You don't want to explain yourself? Then go teach law school. By yourself. At some place like Lorenzo Patino School of Law (bar passage rate: -15%. Yes, they actually have more students fail than graduate). Until you are ready to do that, you aren't ready to lead a troupe of Brownies.
Their claims are handled by people who generally cannot put out a full paragraph of thought. Seriously, I received a letter from one of their adjusters that was two sentences. Incomplete sentences. No verb. How do you consider that responsible? Responsible would be hiring people who understand proper usage of the English language. I am pretty sure my high school English teacher (who probably is smart enough not to read this) taught me how to write a complete sentence. It is not that hard.
If you want responsible, try paying claims in a timely manner. How about this: when someone is rear ended, do not deny liability for the accident? If you refuse to settle the claim, when you receive a request for admission that says "Admit the front of Defendant's car struck the rear of Plaintiff's car" respond by saying "Admit" instead of "Defendant cannot admit nor deny." You can - you choose not to. That is not responsible. It is a decision. And I am fine with it, but then don't tell people how responsible you are. That is called hypocritical.
Sorry. That was a long tangent. I really didn't mean to go there. It just happens sometimes.
Responsibility means that you are open and honest. You take a position and you stand by it. You don't run and hide. At least, that is what it means in the context of this post. Look, if you run an organization, be it a non-profit, a corporation, or your local homeowners crazy group, er, association, you are sometimes forced to make a decision. It happens. That is why you are the leader. You make the decision and you stand by it. Some people won't like it. But when they don't, you defend your position.
It really isn't that hard. Lets say you decide not to publicly oppose bad legislation. When someone says "Why didn't you oppose it?" you say "We didn't oppose it because................" I don't really care what comes after the because. It could be "because we are lame arses who couldn't understand the impact of the legislation." It could be "because we aren't smart enough to figure out the legislation." It could be "because we wussed out." It could be "because we don't want to upset someone else."
You see, the reason is less important than the fact that you stand by your position. Let me give you a real life situation. In the 80s, there was the Tylenol scare. Those of you too young to remember should google it. Johnson and Johnson pulled all Tylenol off the store shelves. People thought it was a dumb move and questioned it. And the response was simple: "We did this because we thought it was the right thing to do." Voila - problem solved. Tylenol sales shot up after it was back on the market.
You see, they explained it. It may not have been the world's most eloquent defending of a decision. It may not have even been the right decision. But they made a decision, stood by it and defended it. Now that example is used in business schools around the country as a case study.
However, other people, sit by and refuse to explain their decisions. I guess that's fine if you are a weenie. Seriously. Its like the little kid who is losing in the neighborhood football game so says "I am taking my ball and going home." That kid is a weenie. Admit it - that is what you called him growing up. Those weenies grow up to be today's weenies. And today's weenies do the same thing.
"I decided not to do x." So, why did you decide not to do x? "I am not saying." Really? That is your best comeback. Its like saying "I am rubber. You are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks on you." Seriously, it is like playing a game of Snaps and using "Yo mama so ugly she don't wear a Halloween costume." Seriously. Its lame. (By the way, try this: Yo mama so ugly she makes Michael Jackson look like George Clooney or try this: Yo mama so white she makes Michael Jackson look like he did in the 80s or try this: Yo mama so hairy she makes a poodle look bald.)
If you want to play with the big boys, you explain yourself. Plain and simple. You don't want to explain yourself? Then go teach law school. By yourself. At some place like Lorenzo Patino School of Law (bar passage rate: -15%. Yes, they actually have more students fail than graduate). Until you are ready to do that, you aren't ready to lead a troupe of Brownies.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Party City
Party City hits me as the kind of place Bill and Ted would visit. You know, the folks with the Excellent Adventure, followed by the Bogus Adventure. Wasn't Keanu Reeves in the movie? He couldn't act back then. Still can't.
Maybe Party City is where the "420" people go. Okay, am I the only one who thinks that calling it 420 is dumb. First, everyone knows what you are talking about. Its not a secret or a code or anything. Second, just say the word - pot. There, that wasn't so hard. In fact, its shorter which is a good thing for you potheads who sometimes have trouble putting together multiple syllables.
Anyway, Party City is also a place in my town that sells party supplies. We had a little baby shower on Saturday. It was done nicely by my wife's friend. Well, I have been told. I didn't attend the shower. But, that's another story. So, I offered to order the balloons and pick them up. We needed 24 pink balloons. Not that hard. Pink balloons and pink strings. How hard can this be?
So, I call Party City but they don't take orders over the phone or over the internet. Are they stuck in the 1990s? Seriously. No internet orders? No phone orders? For balloon. Sheesh!
I drive over there and I am in line behind two guys who look to be 18 or so. One guy has on a white t-shirt, a silver vest and a matching silver driver's hat. They wanted to order a balloon, apparently for some girl. So, the conversation goes like this, and I swear I am not making it up:
Guy 1: I want the hot dog.
Guy 2: The hot dog?
Guy 1: Yes, I want the hot dog.
Guy 2: Why do you want the hot dog?
Guy 1: I like the hot dog.
(Notice the lack of the word balloon in the conversation. Dude apparently wanted the hot dog. What is the hot dog? Don't even go there. I already did and it was funny. But it goes on:)
Employee: We don't have the hot dog balloon.
Guy 1: Oh. What do you have?
Employee: Almost anything else. What's the occasion?
Guy 1: I want to impress a girl. And I know the way to a girl's heart.
(Really? A girl's heart? Dude, you want us to believe that. He hasn't met a girl's heart he was wanted in his life. Nor will he. There is nothing wrong with that, but just be honest about it.)
Employee: How about something else?
Guy 1: How about the tank?
Employee: The tank?
Guy 1: She will like it.
Guy 2: Really, the tank?
Guy 1: Oh yeah. She will think its sweet.
(Sweet. A tank? Are you high? A tank might be sweet for a woman in the US Army where she can be all that she can be, but to an 18 year old girl I don't think its sweet. But that's just me.)
So, finally its my turn. I go up and ask for 24 pink latex balloons. The girl tells me I need to get the balloons out of the little containers under the counter. Of course, the containers are labeled, but people mix them up. So there is pink and red and peach and some with a design on them. But, being smart like that, I could find the pink ones and count them out. 1, 2, 3, 4.................. You get the idea.
I put the balloons on the counter and give them to the girl. She looks for an order form. She can't find one. She asks someone else for an order form. That person doesn't have them either. Really, how hard is this? Its an order form! So, she decides to write it down on a little notepad piece of paper.
She asks for my name, address, phone number and pick up time. Easy enough, right? This should have been my first sign that I went to Party Ghetto and not Party City. She puts all 24 balloons in a ziploc bag. No, not a bag that zips closed, but the bag actually said ZIPLOC on it. She then takes the little notepad paper and puts it IN THE ZIPLOC BAG! This does not inspire confidence.
Then it gets worse. She takes said ziploc bag and hands it to me. She tells me to walk down to the cash register to pay. At this point, I have no faith in their ability to blow..............up my balloons. I walk down to the cash register and the girls takes the baggie. (No, not the dime baggie, the 2.4 dime baggie.) She then proceeds to enter all of my information into the computer.
Now, I don't want to tell anyone how to run their company, but if you are going to take my information, write it down and then have someone enter it into a computer, I can suggest a way to streamline the process. How about you give me the little bag of stuff and I walk it down to the cash register and just tell that girl my information? Wouldn't that be easier and not require the use of a little note pad? Now, maybe I am wrong, but I am pretty sure this would be easier.
Of course, what do they do at this point? They take my money. Not a problem. They print out a receipt for me. They print out a receipt for them and they put it in the little baggie. The receipt with all of my information. The information that I told them so they could write down so they could then enter into a computer and throw away the piece of paper only to print it out on a 2nd piece of paper and put it back in the baggie. Really, could you make this more complicated? I think I can. How about this:
I write down the information on a piece of paper and hand it to you so that you can copy it onto an order form, then give me the order form to have me read it to the cashier, who can then enter it into the computer, print out a piece of paper to have me verify it, throw that paper away, print out a receipt and put it in the bag.
Otherwise, they have the most complicated program I have seen. Seriously, is this place run by Darrell Steinberg and Karen Bass. The legislature could make this process harder, but that's about it.
So, as I leave the store, I am worried. Who wouldn't be? I need these balloons at 10am the next morning. 9am comes and guess what? "Mr. Stein, this is Partay Citay and we aren't sure what balloons you ordered. Could you tell us what your order is?" "Um, 24 pink balloons with pink strings."
Seriously, this place needs a makeover. You know, like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Let's call it Extreme Makeover: Business Edition. In our premier episode, Party City is imploded and not rebuilt. Just end it. Now. Please.
Maybe Party City is where the "420" people go. Okay, am I the only one who thinks that calling it 420 is dumb. First, everyone knows what you are talking about. Its not a secret or a code or anything. Second, just say the word - pot. There, that wasn't so hard. In fact, its shorter which is a good thing for you potheads who sometimes have trouble putting together multiple syllables.
Anyway, Party City is also a place in my town that sells party supplies. We had a little baby shower on Saturday. It was done nicely by my wife's friend. Well, I have been told. I didn't attend the shower. But, that's another story. So, I offered to order the balloons and pick them up. We needed 24 pink balloons. Not that hard. Pink balloons and pink strings. How hard can this be?
So, I call Party City but they don't take orders over the phone or over the internet. Are they stuck in the 1990s? Seriously. No internet orders? No phone orders? For balloon. Sheesh!
I drive over there and I am in line behind two guys who look to be 18 or so. One guy has on a white t-shirt, a silver vest and a matching silver driver's hat. They wanted to order a balloon, apparently for some girl. So, the conversation goes like this, and I swear I am not making it up:
Guy 1: I want the hot dog.
Guy 2: The hot dog?
Guy 1: Yes, I want the hot dog.
Guy 2: Why do you want the hot dog?
Guy 1: I like the hot dog.
(Notice the lack of the word balloon in the conversation. Dude apparently wanted the hot dog. What is the hot dog? Don't even go there. I already did and it was funny. But it goes on:)
Employee: We don't have the hot dog balloon.
Guy 1: Oh. What do you have?
Employee: Almost anything else. What's the occasion?
Guy 1: I want to impress a girl. And I know the way to a girl's heart.
(Really? A girl's heart? Dude, you want us to believe that. He hasn't met a girl's heart he was wanted in his life. Nor will he. There is nothing wrong with that, but just be honest about it.)
Employee: How about something else?
Guy 1: How about the tank?
Employee: The tank?
Guy 1: She will like it.
Guy 2: Really, the tank?
Guy 1: Oh yeah. She will think its sweet.
(Sweet. A tank? Are you high? A tank might be sweet for a woman in the US Army where she can be all that she can be, but to an 18 year old girl I don't think its sweet. But that's just me.)
So, finally its my turn. I go up and ask for 24 pink latex balloons. The girl tells me I need to get the balloons out of the little containers under the counter. Of course, the containers are labeled, but people mix them up. So there is pink and red and peach and some with a design on them. But, being smart like that, I could find the pink ones and count them out. 1, 2, 3, 4.................. You get the idea.
I put the balloons on the counter and give them to the girl. She looks for an order form. She can't find one. She asks someone else for an order form. That person doesn't have them either. Really, how hard is this? Its an order form! So, she decides to write it down on a little notepad piece of paper.
She asks for my name, address, phone number and pick up time. Easy enough, right? This should have been my first sign that I went to Party Ghetto and not Party City. She puts all 24 balloons in a ziploc bag. No, not a bag that zips closed, but the bag actually said ZIPLOC on it. She then takes the little notepad paper and puts it IN THE ZIPLOC BAG! This does not inspire confidence.
Then it gets worse. She takes said ziploc bag and hands it to me. She tells me to walk down to the cash register to pay. At this point, I have no faith in their ability to blow..............up my balloons. I walk down to the cash register and the girls takes the baggie. (No, not the dime baggie, the 2.4 dime baggie.) She then proceeds to enter all of my information into the computer.
Now, I don't want to tell anyone how to run their company, but if you are going to take my information, write it down and then have someone enter it into a computer, I can suggest a way to streamline the process. How about you give me the little bag of stuff and I walk it down to the cash register and just tell that girl my information? Wouldn't that be easier and not require the use of a little note pad? Now, maybe I am wrong, but I am pretty sure this would be easier.
Of course, what do they do at this point? They take my money. Not a problem. They print out a receipt for me. They print out a receipt for them and they put it in the little baggie. The receipt with all of my information. The information that I told them so they could write down so they could then enter into a computer and throw away the piece of paper only to print it out on a 2nd piece of paper and put it back in the baggie. Really, could you make this more complicated? I think I can. How about this:
I write down the information on a piece of paper and hand it to you so that you can copy it onto an order form, then give me the order form to have me read it to the cashier, who can then enter it into the computer, print out a piece of paper to have me verify it, throw that paper away, print out a receipt and put it in the bag.
Otherwise, they have the most complicated program I have seen. Seriously, is this place run by Darrell Steinberg and Karen Bass. The legislature could make this process harder, but that's about it.
So, as I leave the store, I am worried. Who wouldn't be? I need these balloons at 10am the next morning. 9am comes and guess what? "Mr. Stein, this is Partay Citay and we aren't sure what balloons you ordered. Could you tell us what your order is?" "Um, 24 pink balloons with pink strings."
Seriously, this place needs a makeover. You know, like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Let's call it Extreme Makeover: Business Edition. In our premier episode, Party City is imploded and not rebuilt. Just end it. Now. Please.
Monday, August 17, 2009
What the heck is wrong with lawyers?
Someone, please tell me. Okay, save the jokes. Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His mouth is moving. yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Been there, done that. Most aren't funny. Sorry.
But, seriously, what the hell is wrong with lawyers? Are we dumb? Stupid? Or do we think that the rules of society do not apply to us because we have a JD? Or are we just asses?
I get a deposition notice in the mail today. Its for my wife's due date. I write a nice simple letter back explaining that she is due on that date and that I am not scheduling things for a few weeks before and a few weeks after. I mean, most people who work for big companies take paternity leave. Heck, I have a friend (Can I call you a friend?) who works for a small company and took time off when his son was born. I think its just a common understanding. After all, she didn't get pregnant by herself. At least, that is what I am told. Really, is this so unreasonable?
So, dude calls me up. Actually, dude is too nice. Dweeb calls me up. No, dweeb is too nice. DB (douche bag) calls me up. (I am the only one who remembers the commercial for Summer's Eve. Mom and daughter are walking on the beach and the daughter looks at mom and says "Mom. Can I ask you a personal question? Do you douche?" Seriously, would anyone actually ask that to their mom. I am buying a coffee for anyone who can prove to me that they would say that to their mom. And not a cheap McCafe coffee, but a real Starbucks coffee. Venti size. Extra hot, 2 1/2 pump, caf and a half, with whip.) Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, DB calls me up and says "We are proceeding with the deposition that day anyway and you need to find a contract attorney."
In the real world, people say "Oh, your wife is expecting. Congratulations. Let me see what we can do to work around your schedule." Or maybe "Congratulations. Lets worry about this after." But, not attorneys. At least not DB. DB thinks that his case is so important that he should ignore the fact that its my wife's due date and take his deposition anyway.
Um, not sure if he gets this, but his case is about money. And money that my client is paying back weekly. Its not like his client needs to get any information since my client is paying his client back. Quickly. And my wife is having a baby. A little person. A human being. She grew a finger last week. She might grow another finger next week.
Lets compare: person versus money? Actually, person versus money that is being repaid? Not really that big of a deal. But apparently it is to this guy. Here is an idea: stop being an a****** and start being a person. I am sure your client would love to know that you are a DB and think his money is more important than a person. I mean, I think my clients would be mortified if I told them that I thought taking a deposition is more important than someone being with his wife when she is having a baby.
Hey DB - here is an idea: Go douche yourself and let me know how that feels. Until then, there is not going to be a deposition anywhere near when my wife delivers.
But, seriously, what the hell is wrong with lawyers? Are we dumb? Stupid? Or do we think that the rules of society do not apply to us because we have a JD? Or are we just asses?
I get a deposition notice in the mail today. Its for my wife's due date. I write a nice simple letter back explaining that she is due on that date and that I am not scheduling things for a few weeks before and a few weeks after. I mean, most people who work for big companies take paternity leave. Heck, I have a friend (Can I call you a friend?) who works for a small company and took time off when his son was born. I think its just a common understanding. After all, she didn't get pregnant by herself. At least, that is what I am told. Really, is this so unreasonable?
So, dude calls me up. Actually, dude is too nice. Dweeb calls me up. No, dweeb is too nice. DB (douche bag) calls me up. (I am the only one who remembers the commercial for Summer's Eve. Mom and daughter are walking on the beach and the daughter looks at mom and says "Mom. Can I ask you a personal question? Do you douche?" Seriously, would anyone actually ask that to their mom. I am buying a coffee for anyone who can prove to me that they would say that to their mom. And not a cheap McCafe coffee, but a real Starbucks coffee. Venti size. Extra hot, 2 1/2 pump, caf and a half, with whip.) Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, DB calls me up and says "We are proceeding with the deposition that day anyway and you need to find a contract attorney."
In the real world, people say "Oh, your wife is expecting. Congratulations. Let me see what we can do to work around your schedule." Or maybe "Congratulations. Lets worry about this after." But, not attorneys. At least not DB. DB thinks that his case is so important that he should ignore the fact that its my wife's due date and take his deposition anyway.
Um, not sure if he gets this, but his case is about money. And money that my client is paying back weekly. Its not like his client needs to get any information since my client is paying his client back. Quickly. And my wife is having a baby. A little person. A human being. She grew a finger last week. She might grow another finger next week.
Lets compare: person versus money? Actually, person versus money that is being repaid? Not really that big of a deal. But apparently it is to this guy. Here is an idea: stop being an a****** and start being a person. I am sure your client would love to know that you are a DB and think his money is more important than a person. I mean, I think my clients would be mortified if I told them that I thought taking a deposition is more important than someone being with his wife when she is having a baby.
Hey DB - here is an idea: Go douche yourself and let me know how that feels. Until then, there is not going to be a deposition anywhere near when my wife delivers.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Views from the Daddy to be Side
Tuesday was a fun day. I had a court hearing on Tuesday. Then we had a baby birthing class. Apparently, to have a baby, you need to go to class now. I didn't know that having had three kids already. But, if you want want to come out of your wife's stomach, apparently a class helps. (By the way, we had a great instructor and you can see her blog at http://gentlebeginnings.blogspot.com/ and her best post at http://gentlebeginnings.blogspot.com/2008/10/bribing-your-nurse.html Thanks Theresa!)
But before we went to birthing class, I had to go to court. I thought I would be a nice husband and take my wife to breakfast before court. A bagel at Noah's is a good breakfast. Then we went to court. This is an auxiliary court with only 2 courtrooms. There are about 10 chairs to sit in. Its a nice little place.
So we get there and my wife, who is very pregnant, is standing next to me. The seats are all taken. When I was a kid, my dad taught me that you offer your seat to a woman. You especially offer your seat to a pregnant woman. Now, some of these seats were taken by women, but I think in the hierarchy of seats it is elderly woman, elderly man, disabled woman, disabled man, pregnant woman, woman, child, man. So the non-pregnant woman could have offered her seat. But she was too stuck in her "I am a lawyer" mode to notice anyone or anything around her.
For those of you who do not know, I am a lawyer mode is when you are so stuck on being a lawyer that you do not realize that there is a world around you. Some signs to look for: a person introduces himself as "Hi, I am Bob and I am a lawyer;" a person relates every story to the law ("Did you hear that it is going to be 100 tomorrow?" "No, really? I am going to go to court and argue that res ipsa loquitor is a bad idea."); a person puts JD on their license plate as in BOBJD or BOBESQ; and a person uses big words when a small word applies as in "That is more than mere puffery" instead of the better "That is BS!"
But, there were guys there waiting for court. Dude #1 was in a double breasted suit. Double breasted suits went out with the mullet, Achy Breaky Heart, and Billy "Stroke Me" Squire. Seriously, a poorly fitting double breasted suit is more unfortunate than Speedo, no wait, more unfortunate than camel toe. (Sorry, I had to go there.)
Dude #2 was wearing a blue pinstriped suit. Nothing wrong with that, right? I have a blue pinstripe suit. Of course, mine was not the $99 special. But his blue pinstripe suit was being worn with a blue and white checked shirt...........and a horizontal striped tie. Knit. Poorly. I am no Clinton Kelly or Stacy London (who really needs to get rid of the gray stripe in her hair that makes her look like a skunk - a skanky skunk) but even I knew this outfit didn't work - ever. Not even in the 70s.
Dude #3 was too busy keeping his comb-over in place. I thought comb-over's went the way of Michael Jackson's pigmentation. (If you want to be my lover, it don't matter if your black or white - as long as you don't mind that I am opaque. Billie Jean's not my lover/I had my thing removed during my 118th plastic surgery. Okay, enough with the Michael Jackson songs - for this month!) The comb-over looked so bad, I thought the guy liked unicorn porn. No wait, that's not it. Unicorn porn is when the woman..........nevermind. I mean, hermaphrodite porn. (Yes, it exists and I known of someone who likes it. I haven't watched it - but if you have, leave a comment. No wait, don't leave a comment. That's just wrong. Plain wrong. Go get help. Now. Please? I will even pay for your first session.)
Anyway, none of these guys could offer the pregnant lady a seat. I am not asking for much, but offer a woman a seat, you poorly dressed dweebs.
So, after we were in court, it was baby class. This was our last baby class. It was week 5. Technically, it was a 6 week program but the last class is a hospital tour. We did our hospital tour. I wrote about it before. Remember, the non pregnant lady who was taking a tour and taking notes. Huh? Or how about the lady whose husband is a doctor and decided to yell at the nurse who was giving the tour? Nice, lady.
So, it was our last class. And the teacher was nice. And some of the people in class were. Well, most of the people. One guy had to turn everything into a sexual comment. Look, it is not that hard to turn "hands and knees position" into something sexual. I know 14 year olds who could make that joke. My left "toe" (yes toe is a euphemism for another word) could make that joke. Its not that hard. The key to good humor is to take the tough thing and turn it into something funny. So, take the comment about the nanny, well, maybe she was a nanny, and turn that into something funny. And funny doesn't have to be sexual. Go read my Michael Jackson posts. Those were funny. And not sexual. If you can't joke with the big dogs, go play in high school. Please? (By the way, when you have a kid, those jokes will be a lot less funny and you will have to learn to expand your horizons in the humor department!)
Now I feel better!
But before we went to birthing class, I had to go to court. I thought I would be a nice husband and take my wife to breakfast before court. A bagel at Noah's is a good breakfast. Then we went to court. This is an auxiliary court with only 2 courtrooms. There are about 10 chairs to sit in. Its a nice little place.
So we get there and my wife, who is very pregnant, is standing next to me. The seats are all taken. When I was a kid, my dad taught me that you offer your seat to a woman. You especially offer your seat to a pregnant woman. Now, some of these seats were taken by women, but I think in the hierarchy of seats it is elderly woman, elderly man, disabled woman, disabled man, pregnant woman, woman, child, man. So the non-pregnant woman could have offered her seat. But she was too stuck in her "I am a lawyer" mode to notice anyone or anything around her.
For those of you who do not know, I am a lawyer mode is when you are so stuck on being a lawyer that you do not realize that there is a world around you. Some signs to look for: a person introduces himself as "Hi, I am Bob and I am a lawyer;" a person relates every story to the law ("Did you hear that it is going to be 100 tomorrow?" "No, really? I am going to go to court and argue that res ipsa loquitor is a bad idea."); a person puts JD on their license plate as in BOBJD or BOBESQ; and a person uses big words when a small word applies as in "That is more than mere puffery" instead of the better "That is BS!"
But, there were guys there waiting for court. Dude #1 was in a double breasted suit. Double breasted suits went out with the mullet, Achy Breaky Heart, and Billy "Stroke Me" Squire. Seriously, a poorly fitting double breasted suit is more unfortunate than Speedo, no wait, more unfortunate than camel toe. (Sorry, I had to go there.)
Dude #2 was wearing a blue pinstriped suit. Nothing wrong with that, right? I have a blue pinstripe suit. Of course, mine was not the $99 special. But his blue pinstripe suit was being worn with a blue and white checked shirt...........and a horizontal striped tie. Knit. Poorly. I am no Clinton Kelly or Stacy London (who really needs to get rid of the gray stripe in her hair that makes her look like a skunk - a skanky skunk) but even I knew this outfit didn't work - ever. Not even in the 70s.
Dude #3 was too busy keeping his comb-over in place. I thought comb-over's went the way of Michael Jackson's pigmentation. (If you want to be my lover, it don't matter if your black or white - as long as you don't mind that I am opaque. Billie Jean's not my lover/I had my thing removed during my 118th plastic surgery. Okay, enough with the Michael Jackson songs - for this month!) The comb-over looked so bad, I thought the guy liked unicorn porn. No wait, that's not it. Unicorn porn is when the woman..........nevermind. I mean, hermaphrodite porn. (Yes, it exists and I known of someone who likes it. I haven't watched it - but if you have, leave a comment. No wait, don't leave a comment. That's just wrong. Plain wrong. Go get help. Now. Please? I will even pay for your first session.)
Anyway, none of these guys could offer the pregnant lady a seat. I am not asking for much, but offer a woman a seat, you poorly dressed dweebs.
So, after we were in court, it was baby class. This was our last baby class. It was week 5. Technically, it was a 6 week program but the last class is a hospital tour. We did our hospital tour. I wrote about it before. Remember, the non pregnant lady who was taking a tour and taking notes. Huh? Or how about the lady whose husband is a doctor and decided to yell at the nurse who was giving the tour? Nice, lady.
So, it was our last class. And the teacher was nice. And some of the people in class were. Well, most of the people. One guy had to turn everything into a sexual comment. Look, it is not that hard to turn "hands and knees position" into something sexual. I know 14 year olds who could make that joke. My left "toe" (yes toe is a euphemism for another word) could make that joke. Its not that hard. The key to good humor is to take the tough thing and turn it into something funny. So, take the comment about the nanny, well, maybe she was a nanny, and turn that into something funny. And funny doesn't have to be sexual. Go read my Michael Jackson posts. Those were funny. And not sexual. If you can't joke with the big dogs, go play in high school. Please? (By the way, when you have a kid, those jokes will be a lot less funny and you will have to learn to expand your horizons in the humor department!)
Now I feel better!
Monday, August 10, 2009
AAJ Names New President..........
...........and for some reason they think we care. First, you are asking "AAJ?" Did this crazy guy get something stuck in his throat? What the heck is AAJ? No, I am not at the dentist when I write this. No, the doctor is not using a tongue depressor on me. (Admit it, you are impressed I could spell depressor on the first try.)
AAJ is the American Association for Justice. You see, it used to be called ATLA - the Association of Trial Lawyers of America. Then they paid a consultant a lot of money. That consultant decided that they needed to change their name. After all, apparently calling oneself a trial lawyer is not descriptive enough for them. Justice is more descriptive. So ATLA had a meeting and only those members in attendance could vote. They voted to change the name despite quite a bit of outcry from members who couldn't afford to go to the meeting.
Remember, this is all consultant driven. Oh, and guess what - these consultants weren't trial lawyers or former trial lawyers. These were your run of the mill MBA consultants who couldn't figure out what a trial lawyer was without a picture book by Roald Dahl. Consultants have one purpose - paperweights. Well, some of them. Some of them have a second purpose - shark food. After all, you need to keep the sharks happy somehow and eating consultants is not a bad way of doing it. (Note: I don't mean to lump all consultants in to one group, some actually do a good job. It just so happens I can count them on one hand and two of them are friends of mine!)
So ATLA changed its name to AAJ. AAJ sounds like you just puked. Actually, remember the frog in the blender game on your 286? (If you don't get a 286, you were not a computer geek!) AAJ sounds like the sound the frog made just before it went to froggy heaven - or froggy milkshake in this case. Its not even a word. Maybe we should toss it in with Web 2.0 for the 1,000,001 word that is not an actual word. Remember, Web 2.0 is TWO WORDS so it cannot be the millionth word in the English language.
I, along with others, then quit ATLA. I still call it ATLA. Why did we quit? Because I am not a just lawyer. I am not a member of the Hall of Justice ("Back at the hall of Justice, Attorney Jones was typing a brief in his briefs with his briefcase nearby after a brief break with Secretary Smith.") I am not a superhero. I am a trial lawyer. Plain and simple. I sue people - and I like it. (Raise your hand if you heard me say that before.) When a client calls and asks for "justice," I politely refer them to some new lawyer or some shmuck down the street.
So now they have elected some new guy President. He is a partner in some huge law firm with 15 partners. They handled "disasters" including Pan Am Flight 103. Apparently, he is in the business of justice. I still don't understand how you get justice for clients, but I am sure he must be smarter than me. Maybe he can explain it to me. Of course, I would also like to know how you get paid when you get people justice. Maybe if you have 15 partners you can afford to get people justice. But most of us are just trying to get our clients compensated for their losses or stop some bad behavior of some mean debt collector. Of course, this is the same ridiculous group that has a former President who was a partner in a firm that defended insurance companies - the same people we regularly sue. Thats not a conflict of interest or anything.
So, memo to Kyle Murphy at Justice.org: I DON'T CARE THAT YOU ELECTED SOME GUY PRESIDENT. Dude is not a trial lawyer. Dude is not a consumer lawyer. Dude is some rich guy who is out of touch with most Americans. Hey, that sounds like most politicians. Apparently if you are elected to any position it is a requirement that you be out of touch with most people. Remove me from your list and stop with your nonsense emails. Oh, and next time you decide to send out an email like this, try having a professional journalist write it. I have a few I can recommend who are really good.
AAJ is the American Association for Justice. You see, it used to be called ATLA - the Association of Trial Lawyers of America. Then they paid a consultant a lot of money. That consultant decided that they needed to change their name. After all, apparently calling oneself a trial lawyer is not descriptive enough for them. Justice is more descriptive. So ATLA had a meeting and only those members in attendance could vote. They voted to change the name despite quite a bit of outcry from members who couldn't afford to go to the meeting.
Remember, this is all consultant driven. Oh, and guess what - these consultants weren't trial lawyers or former trial lawyers. These were your run of the mill MBA consultants who couldn't figure out what a trial lawyer was without a picture book by Roald Dahl. Consultants have one purpose - paperweights. Well, some of them. Some of them have a second purpose - shark food. After all, you need to keep the sharks happy somehow and eating consultants is not a bad way of doing it. (Note: I don't mean to lump all consultants in to one group, some actually do a good job. It just so happens I can count them on one hand and two of them are friends of mine!)
So ATLA changed its name to AAJ. AAJ sounds like you just puked. Actually, remember the frog in the blender game on your 286? (If you don't get a 286, you were not a computer geek!) AAJ sounds like the sound the frog made just before it went to froggy heaven - or froggy milkshake in this case. Its not even a word. Maybe we should toss it in with Web 2.0 for the 1,000,001 word that is not an actual word. Remember, Web 2.0 is TWO WORDS so it cannot be the millionth word in the English language.
I, along with others, then quit ATLA. I still call it ATLA. Why did we quit? Because I am not a just lawyer. I am not a member of the Hall of Justice ("Back at the hall of Justice, Attorney Jones was typing a brief in his briefs with his briefcase nearby after a brief break with Secretary Smith.") I am not a superhero. I am a trial lawyer. Plain and simple. I sue people - and I like it. (Raise your hand if you heard me say that before.) When a client calls and asks for "justice," I politely refer them to some new lawyer or some shmuck down the street.
So now they have elected some new guy President. He is a partner in some huge law firm with 15 partners. They handled "disasters" including Pan Am Flight 103. Apparently, he is in the business of justice. I still don't understand how you get justice for clients, but I am sure he must be smarter than me. Maybe he can explain it to me. Of course, I would also like to know how you get paid when you get people justice. Maybe if you have 15 partners you can afford to get people justice. But most of us are just trying to get our clients compensated for their losses or stop some bad behavior of some mean debt collector. Of course, this is the same ridiculous group that has a former President who was a partner in a firm that defended insurance companies - the same people we regularly sue. Thats not a conflict of interest or anything.
So, memo to Kyle Murphy at Justice.org: I DON'T CARE THAT YOU ELECTED SOME GUY PRESIDENT. Dude is not a trial lawyer. Dude is not a consumer lawyer. Dude is some rich guy who is out of touch with most Americans. Hey, that sounds like most politicians. Apparently if you are elected to any position it is a requirement that you be out of touch with most people. Remove me from your list and stop with your nonsense emails. Oh, and next time you decide to send out an email like this, try having a professional journalist write it. I have a few I can recommend who are really good.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Calderon, Nava, Miller and NACA
For those of you who don't remember, the geniuses at the State Capitol have decided to introduce SB 94and AB 764. These bills, by Senator Calderon and Assemblymember Nava, would basically ban consumers from getting help from attorneys in foreclosures. Howard Miller, president elect of the State Bar, wrote a letter supporting these bills while the current State Bar president, Holly Fujie, was on vacation in Italy. Apparently it wasn't important enough for her to return to attend the meeting, hook up a web cam or break out the old reliable AT&T to call in to the meeting.
Anyway, while these bill will make it so consumers cannot get legal help, hey will allow NACA to continue. NACA in this case is the Neighborhood Assistance Corporation of America, an alleged non profit. I say alleged because a non profit can still make a profit. These folks, me thinks, make a profit.
So, NACA was in Cleveland and claimed to do 5,000 loan modifications between a Friday and a Monday. Folks, that is 1,250 per day - including weekends. Call your bank on Saturday. Let me know if they are open. See if you can get a loan modification on a Saturday. Call on Sunday and see if you can get a person to even answer the freaking phone. You can't. Trust me on this. But NACA is claiming 5,000 over 4 days. Some people just don't believe them and the BBB won't give an endorsement to NACA because of a "lack of transparency."
Let me see if I get this right. I know where I get paid - its the client. I do the work and can document the work that is done. The client pays for work and the work is done. Its not always successful but anyone who claims a 100% success rate is a liar - of the worst kind.
NACA on the other hand won't, can't or chooses not to say how it gets paid. Some of questioned their payments. Are they being paid by lenders? Are they being paid by the borrower? Are they being paid by the Feds? Are they being paid twice on a case? Three times? They won't answer the questions - hence the lack of transparency cited by the BBB.
Of course, Nava and Calderon, in their lack of ability to think things through, are about to create a system where only NACA and its ilk will even be able to offer services to homeowners. Well, NACA and the banks, who will have no oversight by anyone. That should be a good system - if you don't mind the inmates running the prisons.
Once again - Senator Calderon, Assemblymember Nava and Howard Miller, I make the same offer to you - a public debate about loans, foreclosures and the system. You name the time and the place. I will be there. Now, since the three of you think you have no accountability, I don't expect any of you take me up on it, but if you decide, I am here. Any takers?
Anyway, while these bill will make it so consumers cannot get legal help, hey will allow NACA to continue. NACA in this case is the Neighborhood Assistance Corporation of America, an alleged non profit. I say alleged because a non profit can still make a profit. These folks, me thinks, make a profit.
So, NACA was in Cleveland and claimed to do 5,000 loan modifications between a Friday and a Monday. Folks, that is 1,250 per day - including weekends. Call your bank on Saturday. Let me know if they are open. See if you can get a loan modification on a Saturday. Call on Sunday and see if you can get a person to even answer the freaking phone. You can't. Trust me on this. But NACA is claiming 5,000 over 4 days. Some people just don't believe them and the BBB won't give an endorsement to NACA because of a "lack of transparency."
Let me see if I get this right. I know where I get paid - its the client. I do the work and can document the work that is done. The client pays for work and the work is done. Its not always successful but anyone who claims a 100% success rate is a liar - of the worst kind.
NACA on the other hand won't, can't or chooses not to say how it gets paid. Some of questioned their payments. Are they being paid by lenders? Are they being paid by the borrower? Are they being paid by the Feds? Are they being paid twice on a case? Three times? They won't answer the questions - hence the lack of transparency cited by the BBB.
Of course, Nava and Calderon, in their lack of ability to think things through, are about to create a system where only NACA and its ilk will even be able to offer services to homeowners. Well, NACA and the banks, who will have no oversight by anyone. That should be a good system - if you don't mind the inmates running the prisons.
Once again - Senator Calderon, Assemblymember Nava and Howard Miller, I make the same offer to you - a public debate about loans, foreclosures and the system. You name the time and the place. I will be there. Now, since the three of you think you have no accountability, I don't expect any of you take me up on it, but if you decide, I am here. Any takers?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Today's Song Lyrics
(WARNING: This post contains adult content and an adult topic.)
Have you listened to the radio lately? Try one of those top 40 stations. This ain't your Casey Kasem America's Top 40. (You know you sang that tune when saying America's Top 40. You have to. Its hardwired into you. Everyone does it.) They play songs that make fingernails going down a blackboard sound good. And the lyrics make Biz Markie sound like a poet. You know Biz Markie, he of the famous lyrics "I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah/ She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra." (For those of you over 50 and an attorney in San Jose, you should check it out here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSDXcpXJr4M I mean, this is singing at its best!)
I know its not Tesla or Judas Priest. (Hey, if you like them check out Rockalottapus at www.robarnieanddawn.com where tickets are still available. Of course, if you don't like Tesla, Whitesnake and Judas Priest, why the heck are you going to this lame concert? I mean, watching a cat fight (no, not two women, actual cats fighting) would be more interesting.) But this is some good quality writing. A few examples:
1. Jeremih has a song called "Birthday Sex." It is about sex on one's birthday. Are you surprised? I mean, at least Meatloaf was writing songs about sex and not calling it sex. Who can forget Paradise By the Dashboard Light. Yes, paradise is a euphemism for something else! Jeremih sings:
"See you sexy in them jeans got me on 10/1-2-3... Think I got you pinned/Don't tap out, fight until the end/Ring that bell, and we gon start over again...."
I know Jeremih isn't that bright since his parents apparently thought there was a 7 letter limit on names like license plates. Dude, can I call him dude?, apparently thinks that sex is like the UFC. He doesn't even want her to stop - he wants to go until she blacks out. Really? I don't know about the rest of you, but that is so not how I do it. I think we call that rape in some states.
2. Pitbull has a song called "I Know You Want Me." Now, Pitbull is a white guy who looks like a dweeb. No wait, dweeb is an overstatement. He has dark sunglasses and keeps the microphone so close to his mouth it looks a bit like he is giving fellatio while rapping. His cool lyrics:
"Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey/look like King Kong, welcome to the crib/305 thats what it is/with a woman down ya s*** dont play games...."
Seriously. What the heck does this mean? She has an ass like a donkey? Does that mean it is hairy? Does she have a tail? If so, I think we call that beastiality. And, even if it weren't illegal, I have one thing to say: YUCK! Disgusting. Dude, you want a donkey? Not just any donkey, but a donkey with a monkey? What the hell does that mean? Does she look like King Kong? Cause, I have to tell you, in all of the times I have thought about a woman, she has NEVER EVER EVER looked like King Kong. I mean, there was a Julia Stiles phase, and a Diane Lane phase but never a King Kong phase. Ever. Pitbull clearly needs some help. Dr. Drew? Paging Dr. Drew. No wait, Dr. Phil would rather whore himself out to help Pitbull like he offered to do with Brittany.
3. Baby Bash has a song called "Suga, Suga." Notice the lack of "r" on Suga, Suga. If it were sugar, sugar, we would be talking baking. But, this dude is talking about something else. Apparently. I am not really sure what he is talking about. He sings:
"you like my sticky icky or my sweet ooey gooey"
Really, do I have to make that clearer for you? Is that not clear enough? YUCK! How can you sing about that? At least Paperboy was a bit cleaner in Ditty when he sang:
"Cuz now that I'm rich so many women wanna do me"
Of course, if you saw Paperboy, you would know that the women who wanna do him need a little Lasik. At least some Acuvue. I mean, maybe he can rap, but I am guessing women don't wanna do him. (By the way, how do you tell if he is a good rapper? Is the angle of the gangsta lean in the car an indication of the quality of the rapper?)
I am pretty sure I can write crap like this. How about this:
I am cruisin' for the chicks,
I just got done usin' my Bics,
My head is clean shave,
I think I found a girl who is my fave,
I'm gonna pop and lock and hit that,
While she screams and moans with the kitty cat.
(Okay, its not good. I get that. My rapping skills suck. I am as bad as Shaq at rapping. I get it. I know. I admit it. The point of this is not my rapping skills or my writing skills. Its called a parody people. Laugh!)
I am voting that all bad music be banned forever. And if you write a bad song, you should go join TI in jail. Or maybe we should send you to live with Richard Hatch!
Have you listened to the radio lately? Try one of those top 40 stations. This ain't your Casey Kasem America's Top 40. (You know you sang that tune when saying America's Top 40. You have to. Its hardwired into you. Everyone does it.) They play songs that make fingernails going down a blackboard sound good. And the lyrics make Biz Markie sound like a poet. You know Biz Markie, he of the famous lyrics "I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah/ She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra." (For those of you over 50 and an attorney in San Jose, you should check it out here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSDXcpXJr4M I mean, this is singing at its best!)
I know its not Tesla or Judas Priest. (Hey, if you like them check out Rockalottapus at www.robarnieanddawn.com where tickets are still available. Of course, if you don't like Tesla, Whitesnake and Judas Priest, why the heck are you going to this lame concert? I mean, watching a cat fight (no, not two women, actual cats fighting) would be more interesting.) But this is some good quality writing. A few examples:
1. Jeremih has a song called "Birthday Sex." It is about sex on one's birthday. Are you surprised? I mean, at least Meatloaf was writing songs about sex and not calling it sex. Who can forget Paradise By the Dashboard Light. Yes, paradise is a euphemism for something else! Jeremih sings:
"See you sexy in them jeans got me on 10/1-2-3... Think I got you pinned/Don't tap out, fight until the end/Ring that bell, and we gon start over again...."
I know Jeremih isn't that bright since his parents apparently thought there was a 7 letter limit on names like license plates. Dude, can I call him dude?, apparently thinks that sex is like the UFC. He doesn't even want her to stop - he wants to go until she blacks out. Really? I don't know about the rest of you, but that is so not how I do it. I think we call that rape in some states.
2. Pitbull has a song called "I Know You Want Me." Now, Pitbull is a white guy who looks like a dweeb. No wait, dweeb is an overstatement. He has dark sunglasses and keeps the microphone so close to his mouth it looks a bit like he is giving fellatio while rapping. His cool lyrics:
"Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey/look like King Kong, welcome to the crib/305 thats what it is/with a woman down ya s*** dont play games...."
Seriously. What the heck does this mean? She has an ass like a donkey? Does that mean it is hairy? Does she have a tail? If so, I think we call that beastiality. And, even if it weren't illegal, I have one thing to say: YUCK! Disgusting. Dude, you want a donkey? Not just any donkey, but a donkey with a monkey? What the hell does that mean? Does she look like King Kong? Cause, I have to tell you, in all of the times I have thought about a woman, she has NEVER EVER EVER looked like King Kong. I mean, there was a Julia Stiles phase, and a Diane Lane phase but never a King Kong phase. Ever. Pitbull clearly needs some help. Dr. Drew? Paging Dr. Drew. No wait, Dr. Phil would rather whore himself out to help Pitbull like he offered to do with Brittany.
3. Baby Bash has a song called "Suga, Suga." Notice the lack of "r" on Suga, Suga. If it were sugar, sugar, we would be talking baking. But, this dude is talking about something else. Apparently. I am not really sure what he is talking about. He sings:
"you like my sticky icky or my sweet ooey gooey"
Really, do I have to make that clearer for you? Is that not clear enough? YUCK! How can you sing about that? At least Paperboy was a bit cleaner in Ditty when he sang:
"Cuz now that I'm rich so many women wanna do me"
Of course, if you saw Paperboy, you would know that the women who wanna do him need a little Lasik. At least some Acuvue. I mean, maybe he can rap, but I am guessing women don't wanna do him. (By the way, how do you tell if he is a good rapper? Is the angle of the gangsta lean in the car an indication of the quality of the rapper?)
I am pretty sure I can write crap like this. How about this:
I am cruisin' for the chicks,
I just got done usin' my Bics,
My head is clean shave,
I think I found a girl who is my fave,
I'm gonna pop and lock and hit that,
While she screams and moans with the kitty cat.
(Okay, its not good. I get that. My rapping skills suck. I am as bad as Shaq at rapping. I get it. I know. I admit it. The point of this is not my rapping skills or my writing skills. Its called a parody people. Laugh!)
I am voting that all bad music be banned forever. And if you write a bad song, you should go join TI in jail. Or maybe we should send you to live with Richard Hatch!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Five Things I Think I Think
With apologies to Peter King of Sports Illustrated. But, heck, he only did it with three. I managed to up the ante, Peter. I got 5. Can you do 7? Think of it like Name That Tune, in reverse. "Bob, I can think about 5 things." "Well, Bob, that's nice, but I can think about 7 things." Bob: "Mark, can you think about 9 things?" "No. I am going to make him THINK THOSE THINGS!" (APPLAUSE)
So, without further nonsensical ramblings, 5 things I think I think:
1. Internet marketing companies - Have you ever noticed how many internet marketing companies use spam to market? They want me to hire them and their method of getting my attention is spam. What the heck? I thought if you were good at internet marketing, I would Google "internet marketing company" and you would come up first. After all, if I Google for lawyer marketing, Smart Marketing comes up first. No, that is not a shameless plug for my friend Mark Merenda. It is just a fact. He comes up first. If you are a marketing company run by a guy who sounds like a cow, then you do not come up first. Of course, Mark also doesn't tell you that anything about Nazi's are good. Another good reason to hire him! But, I digress - again. If you claim to be a marketing consultant and you have to spam me, doesn't it tell me everything I need to know about your marketing skills? Just wondering.
2. Make up - what is the deal with woman wearing eye make up that runs up their foreheads and to their ears? I get a little eye shadow is nice. It can bring out the color of your eyes. It can look pretty. But, running it up your face, across the forehead and to the ears? That just screams "I think Tami Faye Baker was pretty." You might as well wear a sign that says "My brother is also my father." I mean, the only thing worse than this make up, is having a tattoo across your chest and up your neck. YUCK! Guys do not find either look attractive. Trust me on this. I promise. If you can find a guy who thinks it is attractive, I will show you a guy who thinks Stacey London is attractive. (Note to Stacey: if you are going to tell people what to wear, someone should tell you this: that little streak of gray hair in the front is lame. Give it up!)
3. Muscle shirts - why the hell do guys wear these shirts? What are you trying to prove? That you have muscles? Great. Thanks for the notice. But, dude, if your shirt has less material than a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model bathing suit, you are not cool. In fact, you may want to consider attending LA - Losers Anonymous. You are doing it to show everyone how cool you are. Guess what? You aren't cool. You aren't much. At least, I am pretty sure that is what your girlfriend said when she saw you showering. I mean, your shirt material, all 3", could be used to make your jock strap. At least, that's what I heard. Put on a shirt, you weenie-less weenie. Get a life!
4. Hi, its me - Really? It's you? Thanks. Now, just tell me this: WHO ARE YOU? How am I supposed to recognize your voice? Sure, I know my wife's voice. I can recognize my kids. I even know the voice of my mother, who doesn't call me that often - or ever. But, after that, I probably can't recognize your voice. Sure, if you have a strange accent and you call me, I can probably figure it out. But, if you are Sally Field or Sally Struthers or Sally States, I probably don't recognize your voice. Well, Sally States I do because she has an accent. But the rest of you, is it that hard to say "Hi, its Suzy." It really is one syllable more than "me" and not that hard. Try it - you might like the sound of your own name, unless your name is something like Tyneia or Erica.
5. Cologne - really, do guys still wear cologne? Really? I mean, I think I outgrew cologne when I was like 17. I used to wear Polo. I admit it - I was a preppie. I wore Polo cologne. But I cannot think of the last time I wore cologne. And there are ads for cologne everywhere. Do guys actually put this on? Or is it muscle shirt guy who wears it? I mean, who else would wear this stuff. Do women actually like the smell? Wait, even I know that answer - women like the smell of cologne as much as they like Al Bundy's hand down his britches. (Come on - the use of britches there was brilliant, just brilliant. You weren't expecting it. I feel like Matt Damon in Ocean's Thirteen talking to his dad - the nose sold it. The britches sold it. Admit it already!) How about we give the cologne a break? Please? The women of the world will appreciate it.
So, there you go. Five things I think. I beat Peter King. I beat Peter King! Na ni na ni poo poo!
So, without further nonsensical ramblings, 5 things I think I think:
1. Internet marketing companies - Have you ever noticed how many internet marketing companies use spam to market? They want me to hire them and their method of getting my attention is spam. What the heck? I thought if you were good at internet marketing, I would Google "internet marketing company" and you would come up first. After all, if I Google for lawyer marketing, Smart Marketing comes up first. No, that is not a shameless plug for my friend Mark Merenda. It is just a fact. He comes up first. If you are a marketing company run by a guy who sounds like a cow, then you do not come up first. Of course, Mark also doesn't tell you that anything about Nazi's are good. Another good reason to hire him! But, I digress - again. If you claim to be a marketing consultant and you have to spam me, doesn't it tell me everything I need to know about your marketing skills? Just wondering.
2. Make up - what is the deal with woman wearing eye make up that runs up their foreheads and to their ears? I get a little eye shadow is nice. It can bring out the color of your eyes. It can look pretty. But, running it up your face, across the forehead and to the ears? That just screams "I think Tami Faye Baker was pretty." You might as well wear a sign that says "My brother is also my father." I mean, the only thing worse than this make up, is having a tattoo across your chest and up your neck. YUCK! Guys do not find either look attractive. Trust me on this. I promise. If you can find a guy who thinks it is attractive, I will show you a guy who thinks Stacey London is attractive. (Note to Stacey: if you are going to tell people what to wear, someone should tell you this: that little streak of gray hair in the front is lame. Give it up!)
3. Muscle shirts - why the hell do guys wear these shirts? What are you trying to prove? That you have muscles? Great. Thanks for the notice. But, dude, if your shirt has less material than a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model bathing suit, you are not cool. In fact, you may want to consider attending LA - Losers Anonymous. You are doing it to show everyone how cool you are. Guess what? You aren't cool. You aren't much. At least, I am pretty sure that is what your girlfriend said when she saw you showering. I mean, your shirt material, all 3", could be used to make your jock strap. At least, that's what I heard. Put on a shirt, you weenie-less weenie. Get a life!
4. Hi, its me - Really? It's you? Thanks. Now, just tell me this: WHO ARE YOU? How am I supposed to recognize your voice? Sure, I know my wife's voice. I can recognize my kids. I even know the voice of my mother, who doesn't call me that often - or ever. But, after that, I probably can't recognize your voice. Sure, if you have a strange accent and you call me, I can probably figure it out. But, if you are Sally Field or Sally Struthers or Sally States, I probably don't recognize your voice. Well, Sally States I do because she has an accent. But the rest of you, is it that hard to say "Hi, its Suzy." It really is one syllable more than "me" and not that hard. Try it - you might like the sound of your own name, unless your name is something like Tyneia or Erica.
5. Cologne - really, do guys still wear cologne? Really? I mean, I think I outgrew cologne when I was like 17. I used to wear Polo. I admit it - I was a preppie. I wore Polo cologne. But I cannot think of the last time I wore cologne. And there are ads for cologne everywhere. Do guys actually put this on? Or is it muscle shirt guy who wears it? I mean, who else would wear this stuff. Do women actually like the smell? Wait, even I know that answer - women like the smell of cologne as much as they like Al Bundy's hand down his britches. (Come on - the use of britches there was brilliant, just brilliant. You weren't expecting it. I feel like Matt Damon in Ocean's Thirteen talking to his dad - the nose sold it. The britches sold it. Admit it already!) How about we give the cologne a break? Please? The women of the world will appreciate it.
So, there you go. Five things I think. I beat Peter King. I beat Peter King! Na ni na ni poo poo!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
T2: Rage Against the Machine
I hoped I was done with this topic. I mean, how much can you exploit children for profit? Apparently, a lot. Are you listening Disney? Not that Disney would do this. After all, the munchkins weren't child labor violations - they were big people, well, big little people. I mean, adult little people. You know, like Little Couple on TLC. Disney would never exploit the Mouseketeers to make money. At least they were cute, though.
Freaking TLC is back at it - Toddlers and Tiaras - Trainwreck Two. (Dang, that is some fine alliteration. I think I should get an award for that. I hereby give myself the 1st Monthly Awesome Amazing Alliteration Award. I would like to thank the little people who helped me get this. No, not those little people. I am done with those little people. I mean the little people - like the toddlers who are on this show who give me fodder for the blog.) I mean, if season 1 wasn't bad enough, they had to go with season 2. What's worse, Toddlers and Tiaras or Peter Brown on Whale Wars? That is a tough one. Peter Brown almost cost the lives of his entire crew. The kids on Toddlers aren't at fault - their crazy parents are.
So, I watched the first 10 minutes of this show and I saw parenting that makes Kate Gosselin look like Mother Theresa. Heck, it makes Michael Jackson look like Dr. Spock. Do these people know what jerks they are before they go on the show? Are they truly surprised after when they look like creeps of the worst kind?
First was some lady who had 5 daughters. Under 6. Yes, 5. And they all compete against each other in pageants. Now, I get competition. It is healthy. But this lady was a whack job. She had two daughters who were fraternal twins. Although, I am pretty sure she called them paternal twins. But whats a p between Friends? (Go back and watch the jellyfish episode and that is funny!) She said one daughter is the pretty one and one is not. Huh? You just told one daughter she is ugly? What the hell? Where did you go to parenting school, North Korea?
Oh, and the pretty one looks like mom. Really? Mom, do you really want her to think she looks like you? I have seen people with their insides on the outside and no facial features and they look better than you. The rabbit at the local pet store had smaller front teeth sticking out than you. And you think she looks like you? Then she should probably get use to hearing this: "U-G-L-Y, You don't need no alibi, You Ugly, Hey, Hey, You Ugly." (My apologies to that fine film Wildcats.)
This was just pathetic. I mean, the girls were cute little girls. But that is exactly what they were - cute little girls. Don't pretend they are beauty queens, like momma called them. You are a disgrace to moms.
Coming in a close second was the mom who put her boys in a pageant. Boys. Two of them. One was 5 and one was 2. Two weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. He was going to be in the pageant. At 2 weeks old. Why would you put a 2 week old in a pageant? She wanted to see if he has stage presence. Huh? Stage presence? Stop smoking the green stuff and admit it - you wanted prize money you greedy, greedy woman. You wanted to see if you could get a little extra cash money for yourself.
And the 5 year old. Boy. Pageant. NO! I am sorry, maybe I am old fashioned, or maybe I am just old. Boys do not do pageants. Never, ever, ever. Its just not right. What the heck were you thinking? Come here little Tommy and I will put you in a beauty pageant. BEAUTY? He is a boy. Boy's are cute, handsome, whatever, but not beauties. Is anyone really going to find it odd if that kid is 20 and wants a sex change or is on the clock tower? Really? Be honest. His mom put him in a pageant. A lot of pageants. And she thought this was a good thing.
TLC, please, I am begging you. Stop. No, not with this train wreck. Go off the air. Your programming looks like it was designed by a 10 year old who thinks flatulence is funny. Why must you continue with this nonsense? Next you might want to go with "Big Couple, Little World." Or how about "Pedophiles and Prisons." Or maybe you can run a show called "What the hell were we thinking." Or how about "Dang, we are dumb." Please, that bandwidth could be used for a test patter and it would be better tv.
Freaking TLC is back at it - Toddlers and Tiaras - Trainwreck Two. (Dang, that is some fine alliteration. I think I should get an award for that. I hereby give myself the 1st Monthly Awesome Amazing Alliteration Award. I would like to thank the little people who helped me get this. No, not those little people. I am done with those little people. I mean the little people - like the toddlers who are on this show who give me fodder for the blog.) I mean, if season 1 wasn't bad enough, they had to go with season 2. What's worse, Toddlers and Tiaras or Peter Brown on Whale Wars? That is a tough one. Peter Brown almost cost the lives of his entire crew. The kids on Toddlers aren't at fault - their crazy parents are.
So, I watched the first 10 minutes of this show and I saw parenting that makes Kate Gosselin look like Mother Theresa. Heck, it makes Michael Jackson look like Dr. Spock. Do these people know what jerks they are before they go on the show? Are they truly surprised after when they look like creeps of the worst kind?
First was some lady who had 5 daughters. Under 6. Yes, 5. And they all compete against each other in pageants. Now, I get competition. It is healthy. But this lady was a whack job. She had two daughters who were fraternal twins. Although, I am pretty sure she called them paternal twins. But whats a p between Friends? (Go back and watch the jellyfish episode and that is funny!) She said one daughter is the pretty one and one is not. Huh? You just told one daughter she is ugly? What the hell? Where did you go to parenting school, North Korea?
Oh, and the pretty one looks like mom. Really? Mom, do you really want her to think she looks like you? I have seen people with their insides on the outside and no facial features and they look better than you. The rabbit at the local pet store had smaller front teeth sticking out than you. And you think she looks like you? Then she should probably get use to hearing this: "U-G-L-Y, You don't need no alibi, You Ugly, Hey, Hey, You Ugly." (My apologies to that fine film Wildcats.)
This was just pathetic. I mean, the girls were cute little girls. But that is exactly what they were - cute little girls. Don't pretend they are beauty queens, like momma called them. You are a disgrace to moms.
Coming in a close second was the mom who put her boys in a pageant. Boys. Two of them. One was 5 and one was 2. Two weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. He was going to be in the pageant. At 2 weeks old. Why would you put a 2 week old in a pageant? She wanted to see if he has stage presence. Huh? Stage presence? Stop smoking the green stuff and admit it - you wanted prize money you greedy, greedy woman. You wanted to see if you could get a little extra cash money for yourself.
And the 5 year old. Boy. Pageant. NO! I am sorry, maybe I am old fashioned, or maybe I am just old. Boys do not do pageants. Never, ever, ever. Its just not right. What the heck were you thinking? Come here little Tommy and I will put you in a beauty pageant. BEAUTY? He is a boy. Boy's are cute, handsome, whatever, but not beauties. Is anyone really going to find it odd if that kid is 20 and wants a sex change or is on the clock tower? Really? Be honest. His mom put him in a pageant. A lot of pageants. And she thought this was a good thing.
TLC, please, I am begging you. Stop. No, not with this train wreck. Go off the air. Your programming looks like it was designed by a 10 year old who thinks flatulence is funny. Why must you continue with this nonsense? Next you might want to go with "Big Couple, Little World." Or how about "Pedophiles and Prisons." Or maybe you can run a show called "What the hell were we thinking." Or how about "Dang, we are dumb." Please, that bandwidth could be used for a test patter and it would be better tv.
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