Freaking Homeowners Association

I am sure there is some advantage to living in a house that is part of a homeowners association. After all, the houses don't get painted sky blue or baby blue. There is no dark green trim or baby puke green trim. You don't have people with 6 feet of weeds in their yard. You don't have.........well, I am sure there are other benefits. There are other benefits, right? Please tell me there are other benefits. Something? Anything?

You see, I have the homeowners association from h-e-double hockey sticks. These folks are so inept that they make George W. Bush look like he has a firm grasp of world leaders. These folks are so bad at their jobs that they make Kate Gosselin look like a marriage counselor. These people are so incompetent that they make the ABA look like they have some clue on scheduling meetings in the USA!

Today in my mail, I got a $50 fine for having weeds in my lawn. Not excessive weeds. Not big weeds. Just weeds. Let me run down the top 5 list of places that have weeds in grass:

1. All of Humboldt County has weed (different kind, sure, but still weed);
2. the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field;
3. The White House lawn;
4. Paris Hilton (no wait, she has crabs in the grass, not weeds, dang it);
5. August National.

Let me see if I get this. Tiger Woods, the $100 million man, can play golf in weeds, but I can't have my kids run around in grass with weeds. The most powerful man in the free world can have weeds and I can't? Remember, this isn't tall weeds or excessive weeds, but rather weeds. WTF?

Of course, these are the same people who fined me $50 last fall because I had leaves on my lawn. Leaves on the lawn? In the fall? Damn you, trees. Damn you. Do not ever have your freaking leaves fall on my lawn. If you do, I shall strike thee down with a lightning bolt. Do not give me this change of seasons crap. Leaves should not fall on my lawn. It is my lawn and I live in the area with the homeowners association that hates leaves. Ever. Any time. Leaves are clearly the warriors of Satan in a fight for my home's soul.

How incompetent is this group? They scheduled a dog walk for July 4th and thought people would come. One problem: they never got a permit. OOPS! How do you forget to get a permit? Isn't that like having a party and forgetting to reserve a location? Then they rescheduled it for the same day as the start of the soccer season. They were stunned when they had a couple dozen people show up instead of the 1,000 they told sponsors they would get. Really? You think mom and dad are going to go to a dog walk instead of taking little Timmy to his soccer pictures and soccer game? Soccer pictures happen one time with your team. You can walk your dog pretty much anytime you want. And these people were genuinely surprised.

The association has a great policy. Do you know how they find violations? They have neighbors rat you out. That builds great neighborhood spirit. "Hey Bill. How are you doing?" Meanwhile, he is checking out your lawn to see if you have a weed so he can report you. Then he reports you and the association sends someone out to take pictures. At this point, wouldn't it work to go say "Bill, we had a complaint from someone about your lawn. Can you put down some Roundup on the weeds?" But, no. Instead they send out a letter and a fine.

They forget to tell you that if you don't pay the fine, they just keep sending it to you. There are people in the association who owe thousands of dollars and the association does nothing to collect it. I think at some point it must stale date and you can't call it an asset anymore. Of course, the board members are still laughing thinking I called someone an ass when I used the word asset. Its like Beavis and freaking Butthead. But at least Beavis could put together a complete sentence.

Of course, if you are the President of the Association, you get a free pass. Your vacant lots are allowed to have weeds grow 5 feet high. And you get until May 1 to cut them down in case it rains and they grow back. That's my excuse. I want to let me grass grow as much as a hirsute woman and tell them its not May 1 yet so I can't be fined!

This dweeb actually told a friend of mine that he wanted me to come to a meeting so he could show me he was smarter than me. I think he meant by using big words. Or using words he thinks are big. He probably was sitting around coming up with words like sassafras. He was going to call me a sassafras soda or something. Trust me, dude is less bright than the people who think its sad that I made fun of Michael Jackson.

The rest of the board is full of pansies who refuse to do anything. Not one single thing. They don't vote on anything. I think they have meetings solely so they can sit around and tell each other how great they are. They sit around and say things like "We are such a good board since we haven't had anyone yell at us ever." Of course, they ignore the fact that they haven't advertised their meetings in the last 6 years. They send out notices AFTER they meet. How useful is that?

I have an idea: how about the homeowners association spend their time doing something better than fining people for having a weed? How about they stop scheduling dog walks during major events? How about they all go on a field trip far, far away?

Five Ways to Lose Your "Guy Card"

So we spent some time this weekend driving to Palm Springs, in Palm Springs and driving back from Palm Springs. I made some observations about guys that I think are universal. And so I present five ways to lose your guy card:

5. Bad driving. I don't just mean driving like a loon. And I don't mean road rage. Road rage should result in losing your driver's license, not just your guy card. A few examples: the fast lane means go fast. If you are doing 60 when the speed limit is 70, you should NOT BE IN THE FAST LANE! Do not drive in the left lane constantly. Use the left lane for passing. Hence, the name the passing lane. Oh, and if the car in front of you is stopped because the entire freeway is stopped, do not rear end them!

4. Chzzled. No, not the name of some new Eminen song. (By the way, memo to guy who posted "Loose Yourself" on Youtube. It is LOSE Yourself, not Loose yourself. Spell check works wonders!) This was a license plate we saw on the road. It says "Chiseled." Yes, it was a guy driving it. And he thought he was buff. Notice I said thought. When you have muscles like this guy, it is clear you want guys to envy your muscles. Women do not care about you being "chiseled." You do it because you want guys to admire you. And then you put it on your license plate? It should actually read "LOSER!" Turn in your guy card!

3. Pink shirts. Ok, not just any pink shirt. I admit it, I have a pink dress shirt that I wear with my suit. It goes well and I get lots of compliments. But, do not buy a pink shirt with white strips. And especially do not buy it at the Polo store. Really, I mean this is just admitting to having no taste. Those white horizontal stripes are obnoxious. And they make you look chunky, in addition to showing you have no taste. Please, stay away. Heck, Polo - please stop selling those shirts. YUCK!

2. Pointing with your pinkie. Okay, I wish I could make this up. Dude in a red truck was pointing with his pinkie. He was sticking it out the window. Next thing I know, he will pick up his Budweiser and stick his pinkie out. Either dude thinks he is French or he has no concept of how bizarre this is. Do not use your pinkie to point. That is why you have a POINTER FINGER! Yes, it is between your thumb and your middle finger - you know, the one you stick out at people. Stop using your pinkie. It just makes you look like a dufus - or a French guy. And neither one is good.

1. Walking with your dog in a kennel. I don't mean a big kennel like in your house. There was a guy walking around with his dog in a little carrying case like he was Paris Hilton. The guy, not the dog, although the dog was probably cuter than Paris Hilton, and was definitely cuter than Perez Hilton, who really needs to get a life. I mean, I like my dogs just fine. In fact, I was bit trying to help one. But I don't bring them to the freaking mall. And I don't walk around with them in a carrying case like they are a purse. Seriously, get some friends and go walk around with them, but not your dog. That just makes you lame. Very lame. Ridiculously lame.

Guys, if any of these describe you, feel free to email me your guy card. You should be turning it in!