An Open Letter to Alyson Huber

Look, I know it must be hard being in the legislature. You have to collect your per diem. You have to raise money so you can be re-elected. You have to go to fundraisers and talk to people. You have to collect money from different special interest groups and make sure none of the groups are affiliated with terrorists.

But you also have a job. You have to pass a budget. No wait, that didn't happen properly and is based on faulty assumptions. Sorry. Selling State Compensation Insurance Fund was about as good an idea as say selling access to Assemblymembers. That wouldn't happen. No. Never. You can't make a donation and then be able to talk to an assemblymember. Never. I don't believe it. So, in addition to passing the budget, you have to deal with the water crisis. No wait. That isn't done either. You have to deal with prison overcrowding. Yes. You have an idea. Let's just release 40,000 prisoners. That is a good idea. And there are no public safety issues with that. None. It is a perfect idea - if you are leaving in Simsville.

Instead, you vote on bils without any knowledge. I don't want to beat a dead Michael Jackson, er, horse (is it okay to still make fun of him now that it has been ruled a homicide? or, should I make fun of him more because he was more doped up than Chris Farley?), but let me talk about some recent votes by Huber. You know what, she probably calls herself Attorney Huber or Dr. Huber. We all know those attorneys who do that: "I have a JD degree so you should call me Doctor." Does that mean people who get a BS should be called "Bulls**t Jones?" Just wondering.

Anyway, Huber writes me a letter after I call her office and email her. She thanked me for the emails. Apparently, not for the calls, but only the emails. I guess she would prefer that people not bother her busy staff. After all, it takes a lot of work to organize fundraisers and figure out which conman, er, lobbyist is going to take her to dinner that night. Maybe they have to go get pedicures while their boss sits around not doing her job. I don't know. But, I only got thanked for the emails. Maybe the staff's writing is so bad Huber couldn't read my name. Here is a hint: I am the one who called and wanted to actually get answers but couldn't!

So, she thanks me and tells me she voted for AB 764 because "In some cases, there are individuals who exploit those at their lowest point through exorbitant loan modification fees when in reality, successful loan modifications are completed for free through HUD-certified counseling agencies and lenders." Now those of you who know me personally will know that this sentence and me don't get along for a few reasons.

First, I don't know about the rest of you, but I learned not to use a 25 cent word when a 5 cent word will work. I had to go look up exorbitant. But I was just a state school graduate. It means excessive or extreme. Apparently, when you are voted into public office, you decide to use four syllable words instead of two syllable words. I don't know. Maybe she was trying to confuse me. After all, clearly I ain't that bright.

Second, that is one long sentence. I mean, she puts together like 35 words. 35? I think most of my sentences have five words - maybe ten. One time, at band camp (laugh, that's funny), I put it together with.........I mean I had a sentence with thirteen words. But, 35? Really? Break out some shorter sentences with some active verbs. Look at me - I may have learned something in English class!

Third, successful loan modifications for free from HUD agencies and lenders? Really? Does Huber read the newspaper? Any newspaper? How about my blog? How about any blog? Does she even read? Well, does she read anything in English that carries news? Did she miss the big story that less than 10% of all qualified homeowners have received a loan modification? Was she sleeping that day? Did her staff not alert her to that story? Oh, and the two biggest lenders in California - B of A and Wells Fargo - have done 6% and 4%, respectively. But you go with this ridiculous concept that people are getting them done for free. Next she is going to tell me that criminal defendants always receive a fair trial and no one is on death row mistakenly. Yes, and OJ is really innocent.

I am not asking for much. I am telling you that you aren't getting my vote next time. But, is it that hard to do some independent research before you vote on a bill? Especially a bill that would criminalize behavior when we have no room in our prisons anyway. Stop listening to the streetwalkers who pay you money so you can be re-elected again. Stop listening to folks who want you to vote "their way." Start listening to your constituents and learning the facts. Start doing some homework. Stop being such a ridiculous Lemming who does whatever Karen "I should be fired" Bass tells you to do.

By the way, she signs her letter "Sorry I wasn't able to call you personally." Don't apologize unless you mean it. Don't tell me you are sorry unless you really are sorry. If you don't mean it, don't say it. I am fine with you not calling me back. It decreases the chances I will pick up a disease. Isn't the rule that if A kisses B and then B kisses C that C has kissed A? Doesn't this work for legislators as well? If legislator A talks to disgusting voter buyer B and then legislator A talks to constituent C that C has talked to B and can pick up whatever B had? YUCK! I don't need to pass that on.