(WARNING: This post contains adult content and an adult topic.)
Have you listened to the radio lately? Try one of those top 40 stations. This ain't your Casey Kasem America's Top 40. (You know you sang that tune when saying America's Top 40. You have to. Its hardwired into you. Everyone does it.) They play songs that make fingernails going down a blackboard sound good. And the lyrics make Biz Markie sound like a poet. You know Biz Markie, he of the famous lyrics "I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah/ She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra." (For those of you over 50 and an attorney in San Jose, you should check it out here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSDXcpXJr4M I mean, this is singing at its best!)
I know its not Tesla or Judas Priest. (Hey, if you like them check out Rockalottapus at www.robarnieanddawn.com where tickets are still available. Of course, if you don't like Tesla, Whitesnake and Judas Priest, why the heck are you going to this lame concert? I mean, watching a cat fight (no, not two women, actual cats fighting) would be more interesting.) But this is some good quality writing. A few examples:
1. Jeremih has a song called "Birthday Sex." It is about sex on one's birthday. Are you surprised? I mean, at least Meatloaf was writing songs about sex and not calling it sex. Who can forget Paradise By the Dashboard Light. Yes, paradise is a euphemism for something else! Jeremih sings:
"See you sexy in them jeans got me on 10/1-2-3... Think I got you pinned/Don't tap out, fight until the end/Ring that bell, and we gon start over again...."
I know Jeremih isn't that bright since his parents apparently thought there was a 7 letter limit on names like license plates. Dude, can I call him dude?, apparently thinks that sex is like the UFC. He doesn't even want her to stop - he wants to go until she blacks out. Really? I don't know about the rest of you, but that is so not how I do it. I think we call that rape in some states.
2. Pitbull has a song called "I Know You Want Me." Now, Pitbull is a white guy who looks like a dweeb. No wait, dweeb is an overstatement. He has dark sunglasses and keeps the microphone so close to his mouth it looks a bit like he is giving fellatio while rapping. His cool lyrics:
"Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey/look like King Kong, welcome to the crib/305 thats what it is/with a woman down ya s*** dont play games...."
Seriously. What the heck does this mean? She has an ass like a donkey? Does that mean it is hairy? Does she have a tail? If so, I think we call that beastiality. And, even if it weren't illegal, I have one thing to say: YUCK! Disgusting. Dude, you want a donkey? Not just any donkey, but a donkey with a monkey? What the hell does that mean? Does she look like King Kong? Cause, I have to tell you, in all of the times I have thought about a woman, she has NEVER EVER EVER looked like King Kong. I mean, there was a Julia Stiles phase, and a Diane Lane phase but never a King Kong phase. Ever. Pitbull clearly needs some help. Dr. Drew? Paging Dr. Drew. No wait, Dr. Phil would rather whore himself out to help Pitbull like he offered to do with Brittany.
3. Baby Bash has a song called "Suga, Suga." Notice the lack of "r" on Suga, Suga. If it were sugar, sugar, we would be talking baking. But, this dude is talking about something else. Apparently. I am not really sure what he is talking about. He sings:
"you like my sticky icky or my sweet ooey gooey"
Really, do I have to make that clearer for you? Is that not clear enough? YUCK! How can you sing about that? At least Paperboy was a bit cleaner in Ditty when he sang:
"Cuz now that I'm rich so many women wanna do me"
Of course, if you saw Paperboy, you would know that the women who wanna do him need a little Lasik. At least some Acuvue. I mean, maybe he can rap, but I am guessing women don't wanna do him. (By the way, how do you tell if he is a good rapper? Is the angle of the gangsta lean in the car an indication of the quality of the rapper?)
I am pretty sure I can write crap like this. How about this:
I am cruisin' for the chicks,
I just got done usin' my Bics,
My head is clean shave,
I think I found a girl who is my fave,
I'm gonna pop and lock and hit that,
While she screams and moans with the kitty cat.
(Okay, its not good. I get that. My rapping skills suck. I am as bad as Shaq at rapping. I get it. I know. I admit it. The point of this is not my rapping skills or my writing skills. Its called a parody people. Laugh!)
I am voting that all bad music be banned forever. And if you write a bad song, you should go join TI in jail. Or maybe we should send you to live with Richard Hatch!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Five Things I Think I Think
With apologies to Peter King of Sports Illustrated. But, heck, he only did it with three. I managed to up the ante, Peter. I got 5. Can you do 7? Think of it like Name That Tune, in reverse. "Bob, I can think about 5 things." "Well, Bob, that's nice, but I can think about 7 things." Bob: "Mark, can you think about 9 things?" "No. I am going to make him THINK THOSE THINGS!" (APPLAUSE)
So, without further nonsensical ramblings, 5 things I think I think:
1. Internet marketing companies - Have you ever noticed how many internet marketing companies use spam to market? They want me to hire them and their method of getting my attention is spam. What the heck? I thought if you were good at internet marketing, I would Google "internet marketing company" and you would come up first. After all, if I Google for lawyer marketing, Smart Marketing comes up first. No, that is not a shameless plug for my friend Mark Merenda. It is just a fact. He comes up first. If you are a marketing company run by a guy who sounds like a cow, then you do not come up first. Of course, Mark also doesn't tell you that anything about Nazi's are good. Another good reason to hire him! But, I digress - again. If you claim to be a marketing consultant and you have to spam me, doesn't it tell me everything I need to know about your marketing skills? Just wondering.
2. Make up - what is the deal with woman wearing eye make up that runs up their foreheads and to their ears? I get a little eye shadow is nice. It can bring out the color of your eyes. It can look pretty. But, running it up your face, across the forehead and to the ears? That just screams "I think Tami Faye Baker was pretty." You might as well wear a sign that says "My brother is also my father." I mean, the only thing worse than this make up, is having a tattoo across your chest and up your neck. YUCK! Guys do not find either look attractive. Trust me on this. I promise. If you can find a guy who thinks it is attractive, I will show you a guy who thinks Stacey London is attractive. (Note to Stacey: if you are going to tell people what to wear, someone should tell you this: that little streak of gray hair in the front is lame. Give it up!)
3. Muscle shirts - why the hell do guys wear these shirts? What are you trying to prove? That you have muscles? Great. Thanks for the notice. But, dude, if your shirt has less material than a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model bathing suit, you are not cool. In fact, you may want to consider attending LA - Losers Anonymous. You are doing it to show everyone how cool you are. Guess what? You aren't cool. You aren't much. At least, I am pretty sure that is what your girlfriend said when she saw you showering. I mean, your shirt material, all 3", could be used to make your jock strap. At least, that's what I heard. Put on a shirt, you weenie-less weenie. Get a life!
4. Hi, its me - Really? It's you? Thanks. Now, just tell me this: WHO ARE YOU? How am I supposed to recognize your voice? Sure, I know my wife's voice. I can recognize my kids. I even know the voice of my mother, who doesn't call me that often - or ever. But, after that, I probably can't recognize your voice. Sure, if you have a strange accent and you call me, I can probably figure it out. But, if you are Sally Field or Sally Struthers or Sally States, I probably don't recognize your voice. Well, Sally States I do because she has an accent. But the rest of you, is it that hard to say "Hi, its Suzy." It really is one syllable more than "me" and not that hard. Try it - you might like the sound of your own name, unless your name is something like Tyneia or Erica.
5. Cologne - really, do guys still wear cologne? Really? I mean, I think I outgrew cologne when I was like 17. I used to wear Polo. I admit it - I was a preppie. I wore Polo cologne. But I cannot think of the last time I wore cologne. And there are ads for cologne everywhere. Do guys actually put this on? Or is it muscle shirt guy who wears it? I mean, who else would wear this stuff. Do women actually like the smell? Wait, even I know that answer - women like the smell of cologne as much as they like Al Bundy's hand down his britches. (Come on - the use of britches there was brilliant, just brilliant. You weren't expecting it. I feel like Matt Damon in Ocean's Thirteen talking to his dad - the nose sold it. The britches sold it. Admit it already!) How about we give the cologne a break? Please? The women of the world will appreciate it.
So, there you go. Five things I think. I beat Peter King. I beat Peter King! Na ni na ni poo poo!
So, without further nonsensical ramblings, 5 things I think I think:
1. Internet marketing companies - Have you ever noticed how many internet marketing companies use spam to market? They want me to hire them and their method of getting my attention is spam. What the heck? I thought if you were good at internet marketing, I would Google "internet marketing company" and you would come up first. After all, if I Google for lawyer marketing, Smart Marketing comes up first. No, that is not a shameless plug for my friend Mark Merenda. It is just a fact. He comes up first. If you are a marketing company run by a guy who sounds like a cow, then you do not come up first. Of course, Mark also doesn't tell you that anything about Nazi's are good. Another good reason to hire him! But, I digress - again. If you claim to be a marketing consultant and you have to spam me, doesn't it tell me everything I need to know about your marketing skills? Just wondering.
2. Make up - what is the deal with woman wearing eye make up that runs up their foreheads and to their ears? I get a little eye shadow is nice. It can bring out the color of your eyes. It can look pretty. But, running it up your face, across the forehead and to the ears? That just screams "I think Tami Faye Baker was pretty." You might as well wear a sign that says "My brother is also my father." I mean, the only thing worse than this make up, is having a tattoo across your chest and up your neck. YUCK! Guys do not find either look attractive. Trust me on this. I promise. If you can find a guy who thinks it is attractive, I will show you a guy who thinks Stacey London is attractive. (Note to Stacey: if you are going to tell people what to wear, someone should tell you this: that little streak of gray hair in the front is lame. Give it up!)
3. Muscle shirts - why the hell do guys wear these shirts? What are you trying to prove? That you have muscles? Great. Thanks for the notice. But, dude, if your shirt has less material than a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model bathing suit, you are not cool. In fact, you may want to consider attending LA - Losers Anonymous. You are doing it to show everyone how cool you are. Guess what? You aren't cool. You aren't much. At least, I am pretty sure that is what your girlfriend said when she saw you showering. I mean, your shirt material, all 3", could be used to make your jock strap. At least, that's what I heard. Put on a shirt, you weenie-less weenie. Get a life!
4. Hi, its me - Really? It's you? Thanks. Now, just tell me this: WHO ARE YOU? How am I supposed to recognize your voice? Sure, I know my wife's voice. I can recognize my kids. I even know the voice of my mother, who doesn't call me that often - or ever. But, after that, I probably can't recognize your voice. Sure, if you have a strange accent and you call me, I can probably figure it out. But, if you are Sally Field or Sally Struthers or Sally States, I probably don't recognize your voice. Well, Sally States I do because she has an accent. But the rest of you, is it that hard to say "Hi, its Suzy." It really is one syllable more than "me" and not that hard. Try it - you might like the sound of your own name, unless your name is something like Tyneia or Erica.
5. Cologne - really, do guys still wear cologne? Really? I mean, I think I outgrew cologne when I was like 17. I used to wear Polo. I admit it - I was a preppie. I wore Polo cologne. But I cannot think of the last time I wore cologne. And there are ads for cologne everywhere. Do guys actually put this on? Or is it muscle shirt guy who wears it? I mean, who else would wear this stuff. Do women actually like the smell? Wait, even I know that answer - women like the smell of cologne as much as they like Al Bundy's hand down his britches. (Come on - the use of britches there was brilliant, just brilliant. You weren't expecting it. I feel like Matt Damon in Ocean's Thirteen talking to his dad - the nose sold it. The britches sold it. Admit it already!) How about we give the cologne a break? Please? The women of the world will appreciate it.
So, there you go. Five things I think. I beat Peter King. I beat Peter King! Na ni na ni poo poo!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
T2: Rage Against the Machine
I hoped I was done with this topic. I mean, how much can you exploit children for profit? Apparently, a lot. Are you listening Disney? Not that Disney would do this. After all, the munchkins weren't child labor violations - they were big people, well, big little people. I mean, adult little people. You know, like Little Couple on TLC. Disney would never exploit the Mouseketeers to make money. At least they were cute, though.
Freaking TLC is back at it - Toddlers and Tiaras - Trainwreck Two. (Dang, that is some fine alliteration. I think I should get an award for that. I hereby give myself the 1st Monthly Awesome Amazing Alliteration Award. I would like to thank the little people who helped me get this. No, not those little people. I am done with those little people. I mean the little people - like the toddlers who are on this show who give me fodder for the blog.) I mean, if season 1 wasn't bad enough, they had to go with season 2. What's worse, Toddlers and Tiaras or Peter Brown on Whale Wars? That is a tough one. Peter Brown almost cost the lives of his entire crew. The kids on Toddlers aren't at fault - their crazy parents are.
So, I watched the first 10 minutes of this show and I saw parenting that makes Kate Gosselin look like Mother Theresa. Heck, it makes Michael Jackson look like Dr. Spock. Do these people know what jerks they are before they go on the show? Are they truly surprised after when they look like creeps of the worst kind?
First was some lady who had 5 daughters. Under 6. Yes, 5. And they all compete against each other in pageants. Now, I get competition. It is healthy. But this lady was a whack job. She had two daughters who were fraternal twins. Although, I am pretty sure she called them paternal twins. But whats a p between Friends? (Go back and watch the jellyfish episode and that is funny!) She said one daughter is the pretty one and one is not. Huh? You just told one daughter she is ugly? What the hell? Where did you go to parenting school, North Korea?
Oh, and the pretty one looks like mom. Really? Mom, do you really want her to think she looks like you? I have seen people with their insides on the outside and no facial features and they look better than you. The rabbit at the local pet store had smaller front teeth sticking out than you. And you think she looks like you? Then she should probably get use to hearing this: "U-G-L-Y, You don't need no alibi, You Ugly, Hey, Hey, You Ugly." (My apologies to that fine film Wildcats.)
This was just pathetic. I mean, the girls were cute little girls. But that is exactly what they were - cute little girls. Don't pretend they are beauty queens, like momma called them. You are a disgrace to moms.
Coming in a close second was the mom who put her boys in a pageant. Boys. Two of them. One was 5 and one was 2. Two weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. He was going to be in the pageant. At 2 weeks old. Why would you put a 2 week old in a pageant? She wanted to see if he has stage presence. Huh? Stage presence? Stop smoking the green stuff and admit it - you wanted prize money you greedy, greedy woman. You wanted to see if you could get a little extra cash money for yourself.
And the 5 year old. Boy. Pageant. NO! I am sorry, maybe I am old fashioned, or maybe I am just old. Boys do not do pageants. Never, ever, ever. Its just not right. What the heck were you thinking? Come here little Tommy and I will put you in a beauty pageant. BEAUTY? He is a boy. Boy's are cute, handsome, whatever, but not beauties. Is anyone really going to find it odd if that kid is 20 and wants a sex change or is on the clock tower? Really? Be honest. His mom put him in a pageant. A lot of pageants. And she thought this was a good thing.
TLC, please, I am begging you. Stop. No, not with this train wreck. Go off the air. Your programming looks like it was designed by a 10 year old who thinks flatulence is funny. Why must you continue with this nonsense? Next you might want to go with "Big Couple, Little World." Or how about "Pedophiles and Prisons." Or maybe you can run a show called "What the hell were we thinking." Or how about "Dang, we are dumb." Please, that bandwidth could be used for a test patter and it would be better tv.
Freaking TLC is back at it - Toddlers and Tiaras - Trainwreck Two. (Dang, that is some fine alliteration. I think I should get an award for that. I hereby give myself the 1st Monthly Awesome Amazing Alliteration Award. I would like to thank the little people who helped me get this. No, not those little people. I am done with those little people. I mean the little people - like the toddlers who are on this show who give me fodder for the blog.) I mean, if season 1 wasn't bad enough, they had to go with season 2. What's worse, Toddlers and Tiaras or Peter Brown on Whale Wars? That is a tough one. Peter Brown almost cost the lives of his entire crew. The kids on Toddlers aren't at fault - their crazy parents are.
So, I watched the first 10 minutes of this show and I saw parenting that makes Kate Gosselin look like Mother Theresa. Heck, it makes Michael Jackson look like Dr. Spock. Do these people know what jerks they are before they go on the show? Are they truly surprised after when they look like creeps of the worst kind?
First was some lady who had 5 daughters. Under 6. Yes, 5. And they all compete against each other in pageants. Now, I get competition. It is healthy. But this lady was a whack job. She had two daughters who were fraternal twins. Although, I am pretty sure she called them paternal twins. But whats a p between Friends? (Go back and watch the jellyfish episode and that is funny!) She said one daughter is the pretty one and one is not. Huh? You just told one daughter she is ugly? What the hell? Where did you go to parenting school, North Korea?
Oh, and the pretty one looks like mom. Really? Mom, do you really want her to think she looks like you? I have seen people with their insides on the outside and no facial features and they look better than you. The rabbit at the local pet store had smaller front teeth sticking out than you. And you think she looks like you? Then she should probably get use to hearing this: "U-G-L-Y, You don't need no alibi, You Ugly, Hey, Hey, You Ugly." (My apologies to that fine film Wildcats.)
This was just pathetic. I mean, the girls were cute little girls. But that is exactly what they were - cute little girls. Don't pretend they are beauty queens, like momma called them. You are a disgrace to moms.
Coming in a close second was the mom who put her boys in a pageant. Boys. Two of them. One was 5 and one was 2. Two weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. He was going to be in the pageant. At 2 weeks old. Why would you put a 2 week old in a pageant? She wanted to see if he has stage presence. Huh? Stage presence? Stop smoking the green stuff and admit it - you wanted prize money you greedy, greedy woman. You wanted to see if you could get a little extra cash money for yourself.
And the 5 year old. Boy. Pageant. NO! I am sorry, maybe I am old fashioned, or maybe I am just old. Boys do not do pageants. Never, ever, ever. Its just not right. What the heck were you thinking? Come here little Tommy and I will put you in a beauty pageant. BEAUTY? He is a boy. Boy's are cute, handsome, whatever, but not beauties. Is anyone really going to find it odd if that kid is 20 and wants a sex change or is on the clock tower? Really? Be honest. His mom put him in a pageant. A lot of pageants. And she thought this was a good thing.
TLC, please, I am begging you. Stop. No, not with this train wreck. Go off the air. Your programming looks like it was designed by a 10 year old who thinks flatulence is funny. Why must you continue with this nonsense? Next you might want to go with "Big Couple, Little World." Or how about "Pedophiles and Prisons." Or maybe you can run a show called "What the hell were we thinking." Or how about "Dang, we are dumb." Please, that bandwidth could be used for a test patter and it would be better tv.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Karen Bass and Banks: Do either one know how to think?
Okay, so I had some thoughts. It hurt for a minute, but I had them anyway. Here are some of my thoughts on politics on a warm summer day with no budget and an economy in turmoil:
Karen Bass - She went to LA over the weekend. She couldn't make it back for a Sunday budget meeting. She was unsure what flight she could make it on from LA to Sacramento. There are so many things wrong with this. Where do I start?
You went to LA? You decided to hop a plane back to Los Angeles when there is no budget? Do you realize that your main job, your only job, right now is to pass a budget? And you left? You earn over $100,000 per year and you thought this was a good time to go home? Really? You clearly have absolutely no concept about anything in real life. You are not expected to go home during a crisis but to lead. Lead means you cancel whatever the heck you have planned and stay here until the job is done. I keep calling you incompetent but I do not think that is a strong enough word. You are idiotically incompetent. (A little alliteration for our English majors reading this.)
You couldn't get back from LA? Its about 400 miles. How about the first plane in the morning? Or the second? Or you hop in a car and drive. Or you don't go. Oh wait, sorry I already had that portion of the rant. I don't want to pull a Karen Bass and be unable to complete a freaking thought. By the way, you should really return that college degree, which you think is a colledge deGre, since you clearly do not have the ability to think analytically. Isn't this like a 4th grade word problem? The Speaker of the Assembly is in LA. The State has no budget. She needs to be at a meeting at 2pm. It is 400 miles from LA to Sacramento. How can she get to Sacramento? A) High speed rail. B) Car. C) Plane. D) None of the above.
A is clearly wrong since there is no money for high speed rail in California. We have money to pay our legislators, but we have no money for high speed rail. B is wrong since apparently she has no driver's license or maybe she drives like Carol Migden - poorly and all over the road. C cannot be correct since she did not have enough flight options. There are only like 30 flights a day between LA and Sacramento. That doesn't even include her paying to rent a plane. I am sure she would charge the state, but a responsible leader would have paid for it out of his/her own money since it was his/her problem. Apparently, D is the right answer. It is probably the grade that showed up most on her report card in school.
Hey Karen - do me a favor? If your current brain is not functioning, go see Dr. Hfuhruhurr. Maybe he can help you. Or, here is an idea, quit now. Please? I got $20 if you quit. I am sure I can raise a bit more. Please?
Okay, so I know banks can't think, but how about their leaders. Banks spent $4.4 million on lobbying in California alone in the first quarter of this year. That is $4,400,000. That is $4 million plus another 10% of that. That is ridiculous.
Let me see if I get this right: the economy sucks. It sucks because of the housing meltdown. It sucks because banks made bad mortgages to people who shouldn't have had the mortgages. It was so bad for banks that they needed tax money to survive. Now they have an extra $4 million or so to lobby the government. And what are they lobbying on?
Two big topics for the banks: they don't want more disclosures to consumers on home loans and they don't want consumers to have legal representation when trying to deal with the banks. So, the banks are spending our money on trying to limit our rights. And the government gives this to them with no restrictions. Our leaders in the California Senate and the California Assembly are so blinded by money that they take this money and don't see it as a problem. They are taking tax money back from the banks to keep the banks from having any oversight and any checks and balances in the system.
Memo to the banks - if you couldn't run your business profitably, stop spending my money on your lobbying. I don't want you to spend the money trying to gouge consumers more.
Maybe Karen Bass and the people running the banks came from the same place - a place where responsibility is just not taught. Banks couldn't run a business without government bailout and now waste our money on lobbying. Bass can't even make it to LA for a meeting. OY!
Karen Bass - She went to LA over the weekend. She couldn't make it back for a Sunday budget meeting. She was unsure what flight she could make it on from LA to Sacramento. There are so many things wrong with this. Where do I start?
You went to LA? You decided to hop a plane back to Los Angeles when there is no budget? Do you realize that your main job, your only job, right now is to pass a budget? And you left? You earn over $100,000 per year and you thought this was a good time to go home? Really? You clearly have absolutely no concept about anything in real life. You are not expected to go home during a crisis but to lead. Lead means you cancel whatever the heck you have planned and stay here until the job is done. I keep calling you incompetent but I do not think that is a strong enough word. You are idiotically incompetent. (A little alliteration for our English majors reading this.)
You couldn't get back from LA? Its about 400 miles. How about the first plane in the morning? Or the second? Or you hop in a car and drive. Or you don't go. Oh wait, sorry I already had that portion of the rant. I don't want to pull a Karen Bass and be unable to complete a freaking thought. By the way, you should really return that college degree, which you think is a colledge deGre, since you clearly do not have the ability to think analytically. Isn't this like a 4th grade word problem? The Speaker of the Assembly is in LA. The State has no budget. She needs to be at a meeting at 2pm. It is 400 miles from LA to Sacramento. How can she get to Sacramento? A) High speed rail. B) Car. C) Plane. D) None of the above.
A is clearly wrong since there is no money for high speed rail in California. We have money to pay our legislators, but we have no money for high speed rail. B is wrong since apparently she has no driver's license or maybe she drives like Carol Migden - poorly and all over the road. C cannot be correct since she did not have enough flight options. There are only like 30 flights a day between LA and Sacramento. That doesn't even include her paying to rent a plane. I am sure she would charge the state, but a responsible leader would have paid for it out of his/her own money since it was his/her problem. Apparently, D is the right answer. It is probably the grade that showed up most on her report card in school.
Hey Karen - do me a favor? If your current brain is not functioning, go see Dr. Hfuhruhurr. Maybe he can help you. Or, here is an idea, quit now. Please? I got $20 if you quit. I am sure I can raise a bit more. Please?
Okay, so I know banks can't think, but how about their leaders. Banks spent $4.4 million on lobbying in California alone in the first quarter of this year. That is $4,400,000. That is $4 million plus another 10% of that. That is ridiculous.
Let me see if I get this right: the economy sucks. It sucks because of the housing meltdown. It sucks because banks made bad mortgages to people who shouldn't have had the mortgages. It was so bad for banks that they needed tax money to survive. Now they have an extra $4 million or so to lobby the government. And what are they lobbying on?
Two big topics for the banks: they don't want more disclosures to consumers on home loans and they don't want consumers to have legal representation when trying to deal with the banks. So, the banks are spending our money on trying to limit our rights. And the government gives this to them with no restrictions. Our leaders in the California Senate and the California Assembly are so blinded by money that they take this money and don't see it as a problem. They are taking tax money back from the banks to keep the banks from having any oversight and any checks and balances in the system.
Memo to the banks - if you couldn't run your business profitably, stop spending my money on your lobbying. I don't want you to spend the money trying to gouge consumers more.
Maybe Karen Bass and the people running the banks came from the same place - a place where responsibility is just not taught. Banks couldn't run a business without government bailout and now waste our money on lobbying. Bass can't even make it to LA for a meeting. OY!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Twitter and Facebook, Oh My!
I thought I was pretty tech savvy. After all, in high school, I was a computer tech. Just after graduation, I went to work for a company selling computers. In college, I was a computer science major for a while and then worked for a pharmaceutical company in the IT department. But, I admit that I don't get a few things about computers these days.
Twitter. Yep, I don't get twitter. I had someone tell me today that she was being interviewed via twitter. No, actually, she told me she was having a twitterview. A WTFview? What is a twitterview? Apparently it is when a tweep says twello on in twitterverse via a tweet and you respond with a tweetsup (different from a tweetup) in twitterverse and this goes twiton and twiton. For those of you like me who prefer to speak English, a twitterview is not when a twit interviews you or you interview a twit. A twitterview is when you interview someone on twitter. I still don't understand how you interview someone in 140 character statements. There seems to me to be no way to get any flow. It would go something like this:
Q: wat r u doing these days wit your biz?
A: my biz is doing well since i began mktg with u.
Q: how has ur mktg changed since u hird me?
A: i know say things in 140 char or less.
I mean, seriously, does anyone know what I just said? I don't know if I know what I just said and I made it up. And, for those regular readers, this is worse than my Chiller parody of Michael The-Gloved-Wonder-Hair-Caught-On-Fire-Wacko-Used-To-Have-A-Nose-Slept-With-Boys-In-Bed-But-Didnt-Molest-Anyone Jackson. (Fit that on twitter you twitaholics.) Its like people on twitter want their own language. Wait, I have seen this before. Maybe the twitter folks are the some knuckleheads who blawg instead of blog. Just a thought.
Then there is Facebook. I thought Facebook was a place to talk to friends, get caught up, and generally waste time. I get that. But then people do stuff on Facebook and it makes me think "Do your brain cells stop working when you sign on to Facebook?"
Of course, there is the friending people you dont know. Wait, first there is friending and defriending people. We have to make up words to deal with this? Okay, but once we do, why would you want to be friends with my friends? And why would you want to be friends with my female friends? And then why would you want to be friends with my female friends' daughters? That is just creepy. Really creepy. Like call in my friend the professional badarse creepy.
And then why do you want to argue with my friends? I mean, my friend comments on something I write. You comment. Then you responded to my friend who you don't know? Then you argue with said friend? Why? Then, after a while, and I mean like an hour, you delete all of your posts so my friend appears to have been arguing with himself? First, why do you are that much what my friend says about what I wrote? Heck, why do you care what I wrote? I don't really care what I wrote. Second, why do you respond? You don't know the person. You haven't met her. Why does it matter? Third, why do you then spend time removing your comments? Does it matter that much? Does anyone actually care what is put on Facebook? Unreal.
Folks, relax a bit. Its a website. And a website with games. And you care what people you don't know are saying? If you are riding the subway, do you listen to what the person next to you says and comment to them? Probably not. So don't comment on Facebook.
This "social media" stuff really is unsocial. People do things on these websites that they would not do in person. We don't make up words. We don't talk in 140 characters. We don't comment on things with people we don't know. We don't care that much what people around us are doing. How about we get back to social norms and we start talking to people, stop making stuff up, and start being nice. Well, except to debt collectors and landlord attorneys who dont think the law applies to them.
Twitter. Yep, I don't get twitter. I had someone tell me today that she was being interviewed via twitter. No, actually, she told me she was having a twitterview. A WTFview? What is a twitterview? Apparently it is when a tweep says twello on in twitterverse via a tweet and you respond with a tweetsup (different from a tweetup) in twitterverse and this goes twiton and twiton. For those of you like me who prefer to speak English, a twitterview is not when a twit interviews you or you interview a twit. A twitterview is when you interview someone on twitter. I still don't understand how you interview someone in 140 character statements. There seems to me to be no way to get any flow. It would go something like this:
Q: wat r u doing these days wit your biz?
A: my biz is doing well since i began mktg with u.
Q: how has ur mktg changed since u hird me?
A: i know say things in 140 char or less.
I mean, seriously, does anyone know what I just said? I don't know if I know what I just said and I made it up. And, for those regular readers, this is worse than my Chiller parody of Michael The-Gloved-Wonder-Hair-Caught-On-Fire-Wacko-Used-To-Have-A-Nose-Slept-With-Boys-In-Bed-But-Didnt-Molest-Anyone Jackson. (Fit that on twitter you twitaholics.) Its like people on twitter want their own language. Wait, I have seen this before. Maybe the twitter folks are the some knuckleheads who blawg instead of blog. Just a thought.
Then there is Facebook. I thought Facebook was a place to talk to friends, get caught up, and generally waste time. I get that. But then people do stuff on Facebook and it makes me think "Do your brain cells stop working when you sign on to Facebook?"
Of course, there is the friending people you dont know. Wait, first there is friending and defriending people. We have to make up words to deal with this? Okay, but once we do, why would you want to be friends with my friends? And why would you want to be friends with my female friends? And then why would you want to be friends with my female friends' daughters? That is just creepy. Really creepy. Like call in my friend the professional badarse creepy.
And then why do you want to argue with my friends? I mean, my friend comments on something I write. You comment. Then you responded to my friend who you don't know? Then you argue with said friend? Why? Then, after a while, and I mean like an hour, you delete all of your posts so my friend appears to have been arguing with himself? First, why do you are that much what my friend says about what I wrote? Heck, why do you care what I wrote? I don't really care what I wrote. Second, why do you respond? You don't know the person. You haven't met her. Why does it matter? Third, why do you then spend time removing your comments? Does it matter that much? Does anyone actually care what is put on Facebook? Unreal.
Folks, relax a bit. Its a website. And a website with games. And you care what people you don't know are saying? If you are riding the subway, do you listen to what the person next to you says and comment to them? Probably not. So don't comment on Facebook.
This "social media" stuff really is unsocial. People do things on these websites that they would not do in person. We don't make up words. We don't talk in 140 characters. We don't comment on things with people we don't know. We don't care that much what people around us are doing. How about we get back to social norms and we start talking to people, stop making stuff up, and start being nice. Well, except to debt collectors and landlord attorneys who dont think the law applies to them.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Operation Fake-O
Ever watch Tru TV? This used to be called Court TV but they changed the name. (At least when Sci Fi changed their name to SyFy, they did it for trademark purposes.) Tru TV now has the tagline "Not Reality. Actuality." Really? Let's take a look at one of their shows, Operation Repo.
First, the characters. Luis Pizarro plays himself. He claims to be an ex-Marine. Have you seen this dude? Dude is 5'8 and like 500lbs. Seriously, the guy who was the world's largest man looked smaller than Luis. Now, I have known a lot of Marines in my life. And a few ex Marines. This guy doesn't look like an ex-Marine, he looks like he ate an ex Marine, or a company of Marines. But that's just me. He thinks he is a bad arse, but his only move seems to be sitting on people. It is like Dumbo sitting on a person. Except Dumbo is cuter. And smarter.
Then there is Sonia Pizzaro. How do you describe Sonia? Well, she would be white trash if she was white. She doesn't pronounce her name "Son-ya" like normal people. It is like "Sun-ia." Huh? That is not even a name. It is like "Hey, the sun came out today." Its not a name, you who ate the Marine company with your brother. I hope you two weren't twins. Wait, that's not nice. Maybe you were so your parents only had to deal with you two once. Between Luis trying to be tough and you trying to be, well, you try to be something, it is enough to make Kate Gosselin doing her new boyfriend look palatable.
Then we have Froylan Tercero. This guy apparently dated Sonia. Or was married to her. He claims to have a few girls on the side. Really? Froylan, why not be honest with us? You haven't seen a woman in a romantic position since probably '95. Maybe even '94. You think that MC Hammer is still good music. You think Paula Abdul's music is make out music still. Dude, at least admit when you have no game. I can do it - I got no game. Of course, I am married so I don't really need game. You, on the other hand, need game - or more money than you make on this POS show.
Lyndah Pizzaro is Luis daughter. Um, where's mom? San Quentin? Pelican Bay? This girl has as much class as Tila Tequila. Hell, at least Tila knows how to spell. Lyndah is not a cool spelling of Linda, it is an illiterate spelling of a name. I know Luis wants you to go back to college, but I think you should try to make it out of 6th grade. Think of Adam Sandler in Billy Madison. You should go back to school and start at the beginning. Your command of the English language is a bit like listening to the guy in the Gods Must Be Crazy.
Finally, we have Matt Burch. Go check out dude's website. I would link to it, but you know I don't like to give these folks PR. Okay, here it is - http://bigmattburch.com. Go read his about page. It takes about as long as it takes to figure out that Matt is built like Barry Bonds. (Do I need to explain this?) In one episode he looked to be kicked in the boys. Of course, the guy would have needed to have a microscope to find it. Does this explain why his "product endorsement" page is blank? Is it possible that he can't list those products. Of course, most of his website is blank. Really, Matt you are shooting blanks. (Bad, I know, but you are laughing so didn't give me a hard time!) Why don't you go take a week of relaxing and stop acting like a wanna be tough guy? I have met 6th graders who can give a whooping better than your fake act.
But, let's get to the worst part. The show is FAKE! FAKE! It is like a CZ. It is not a real diamond. These people put together a show on Tru TV and it is fake. Doesn't that make "Actuality" false advertising? You are claiming your shows are real when you make them up? And if you are going to make up a show, wouldn't you at least pick people who can speak the language? I mean, it is television so the normal means of communication is talking. And how about you pick a group of folks who don't look like they ate the cars that they repo'd. Come on, you know big boy Luis and Frodo, er, Froylan, look like they could eat a Mini Cooper for an appetizer and finish off the meal with a Jetta. Unreal.
How about this? Tru TV should change its tagline to "Not Reality. BS!" I mean at least that is accurate. And it would describe the regular BM's of Matt.
First, the characters. Luis Pizarro plays himself. He claims to be an ex-Marine. Have you seen this dude? Dude is 5'8 and like 500lbs. Seriously, the guy who was the world's largest man looked smaller than Luis. Now, I have known a lot of Marines in my life. And a few ex Marines. This guy doesn't look like an ex-Marine, he looks like he ate an ex Marine, or a company of Marines. But that's just me. He thinks he is a bad arse, but his only move seems to be sitting on people. It is like Dumbo sitting on a person. Except Dumbo is cuter. And smarter.
Then there is Sonia Pizzaro. How do you describe Sonia? Well, she would be white trash if she was white. She doesn't pronounce her name "Son-ya" like normal people. It is like "Sun-ia." Huh? That is not even a name. It is like "Hey, the sun came out today." Its not a name, you who ate the Marine company with your brother. I hope you two weren't twins. Wait, that's not nice. Maybe you were so your parents only had to deal with you two once. Between Luis trying to be tough and you trying to be, well, you try to be something, it is enough to make Kate Gosselin doing her new boyfriend look palatable.
Then we have Froylan Tercero. This guy apparently dated Sonia. Or was married to her. He claims to have a few girls on the side. Really? Froylan, why not be honest with us? You haven't seen a woman in a romantic position since probably '95. Maybe even '94. You think that MC Hammer is still good music. You think Paula Abdul's music is make out music still. Dude, at least admit when you have no game. I can do it - I got no game. Of course, I am married so I don't really need game. You, on the other hand, need game - or more money than you make on this POS show.
Lyndah Pizzaro is Luis daughter. Um, where's mom? San Quentin? Pelican Bay? This girl has as much class as Tila Tequila. Hell, at least Tila knows how to spell. Lyndah is not a cool spelling of Linda, it is an illiterate spelling of a name. I know Luis wants you to go back to college, but I think you should try to make it out of 6th grade. Think of Adam Sandler in Billy Madison. You should go back to school and start at the beginning. Your command of the English language is a bit like listening to the guy in the Gods Must Be Crazy.
Finally, we have Matt Burch. Go check out dude's website. I would link to it, but you know I don't like to give these folks PR. Okay, here it is - http://bigmattburch.com. Go read his about page. It takes about as long as it takes to figure out that Matt is built like Barry Bonds. (Do I need to explain this?) In one episode he looked to be kicked in the boys. Of course, the guy would have needed to have a microscope to find it. Does this explain why his "product endorsement" page is blank? Is it possible that he can't list those products. Of course, most of his website is blank. Really, Matt you are shooting blanks. (Bad, I know, but you are laughing so didn't give me a hard time!) Why don't you go take a week of relaxing and stop acting like a wanna be tough guy? I have met 6th graders who can give a whooping better than your fake act.
But, let's get to the worst part. The show is FAKE! FAKE! It is like a CZ. It is not a real diamond. These people put together a show on Tru TV and it is fake. Doesn't that make "Actuality" false advertising? You are claiming your shows are real when you make them up? And if you are going to make up a show, wouldn't you at least pick people who can speak the language? I mean, it is television so the normal means of communication is talking. And how about you pick a group of folks who don't look like they ate the cars that they repo'd. Come on, you know big boy Luis and Frodo, er, Froylan, look like they could eat a Mini Cooper for an appetizer and finish off the meal with a Jetta. Unreal.
How about this? Tru TV should change its tagline to "Not Reality. BS!" I mean at least that is accurate. And it would describe the regular BM's of Matt.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Are people really that dumb?
I have had three examples of dumbness lately. I always assumed people were relatively smart. I think I may be wrong. Let me share:
1. Not funny dude - I write my blog because I like it. It is an outlet for me. I can say things here that I cannot say on my website, email lists I belong to, or to people who may be clients or opposing counsel. Hence the short intro under the title: "This blog serves one purpose: for me to rant. That is it. If you have ideas or comments, please post them. If you have a topic you want me to rant on, please let me know. But, most of all, enjoy!" Notice the purpose is for me to rant? That is the idea.
Now, some of it, I think, is funny. Some of it is serious. Go read my post about religion. Not funny. My post on SB94 and AB764 - not funny. Those are serious issues that I want to get off my chest. Some of it is serious - go read my posts about Michael Jackson or Whale Wars. That is some funny stuff. But, either way, it is for me. I think it is funny.
You may say I'm an egomaniac, but I'm not the only one. Oh wait, that's dreamer. Sorry. But it's not about that. If I get 2 readers, 200 readers or turn into the next Chive, it doesn't matter to me. Its a release. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you don't think its funny, you can either choose not to read it or you can click the little button that has the "x" on it and close the browser. It is not that hard. But sending me a comment that you do not find it funny pretty much shows that you need hobbies. A lot. Now. Sheesh.
2. I hate attorneys dude - This is my favorite. People who post comments on the internet about how much they hate attorneys. This is usually done in the context of "I hate trial lawyers" or "Trial lawyers always file these ridiculous lawsuits." Of course, this dude never admits that he hires trial lawyers to sue his clients or other people. This dude will never admit that he has hired an attorney a day in his life or that he regularly uses attorneys. He probably pays more to attorneys in a month than most people pay to an attorney in 10 years.
These people seem to think that "trial lawyer" is a derogatory term. I mean it is like "shock jock." Is a shock jock negative? I guess to those people who think that shock jocks are all Howard Stern - tall, skinny ugly dudes who couldn't make a living. But most "shock jocks" are just DJ's who put on a persona to sell ads on the radio to people who listen.
Trial lawyers are not bad people. We try lawsuits. That means sometimes we represent the plaintiff. But, the person representing the defendant is also a trial lawyer. The DA is a trial lawyer. The public defender is a trial lawyer. We may try different kinds of cases, but we are all trial lawyers. So next time you want to insult someone's profession, at least do it intelligently.
3. Hater, Dude - (Okay, that is a bad play on skater dude!) I am not even going to go the easy way. The racist dude is a hater. The anti-Semite is Bernie Eccelstone. Oh wait, I mean the anti-semite is a hater too. Then there is the anti Peter Brown. No wait, Peter Brown hates Jane Taylor. Thankfully for Jane and the rest of the Steve Irwin crew, he didn't get them all killed!
I want to focus on a specific hater - the disabled hater. We don't really have a good word for this person. The disabilitist. The anti-disabled. The scumbag. Oh yeah, that is what we call them.
There is the dude who hates on the person in the wheelchair. I actually read a comment from someone about a woman in a wheelchair and the dude said "She deserves whatever happened to her." Really? She deserves it? If you really believe that, may God have mercy on your soul, you sick bastard. Maybe she was born that way. Maybe some drunk driver crashed into her car. Maybe it is a genetic condition. Maybe it is some horrible illness that no one would want. Maybe it was a freak accident. Are there some people in wheelchairs who are jerks? Yep. But there are also people who are able bodied who are jerks too. And saying that someone deserves to be in a wheelchair is just mean. Don't justify it now you Jacka**. You are just a mean spirited person who should be taken out back and run over by a wheelchair several times. Hell, maybe we should strap you in one and see how much you like life and how easy life is for you. Trust me, it isn't easy. I wonder if your brain functions or if you are just that dumb.
There is the 2nd type of anti disabled person. This person actually writes that people should not have kids if they cannot afford to educate the kids. Um, anyone hear of the right to a free, appropriate public education. Besides, how the heck are you supposed to know if you can afford to educate your kid? Do you think people have kids saying "I hope this kid comes out with a learning disability so that I can spend money educating the kid." Maybe they say "I hope my kid comes out deaf, dumb and blind so he can be a Pinball Wizard, but how the heck am I supposed to pay for school?" Everyone is entitled to a free, appropriate public education. When schools don't provide it, they get sued. (See trial lawyers.) But don't say that the parents should be forced to pay out of pocket for the education of their special needs child. How about you pick up the cost for educating your child in full? Clearly it is the uneducated who thinks parents make decisions about having kids based on the cost of educating a special needs child. Does anyone actually think they are going to have a child with extra educational needs before they have the child? If you think yes, let me try a little electroshock therapy on you. Please?
Look, folks, it is not that hard. If you don't like something, don't read it. If you don't like someone, don't talk about him/her. If you don't like a group of people, shut your mouth and don't talk about them. And don't lump people into groups. Treat people individually. Is it that hard, really?
1. Not funny dude - I write my blog because I like it. It is an outlet for me. I can say things here that I cannot say on my website, email lists I belong to, or to people who may be clients or opposing counsel. Hence the short intro under the title: "This blog serves one purpose: for me to rant. That is it. If you have ideas or comments, please post them. If you have a topic you want me to rant on, please let me know. But, most of all, enjoy!" Notice the purpose is for me to rant? That is the idea.
Now, some of it, I think, is funny. Some of it is serious. Go read my post about religion. Not funny. My post on SB94 and AB764 - not funny. Those are serious issues that I want to get off my chest. Some of it is serious - go read my posts about Michael Jackson or Whale Wars. That is some funny stuff. But, either way, it is for me. I think it is funny.
You may say I'm an egomaniac, but I'm not the only one. Oh wait, that's dreamer. Sorry. But it's not about that. If I get 2 readers, 200 readers or turn into the next Chive, it doesn't matter to me. Its a release. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you don't think its funny, you can either choose not to read it or you can click the little button that has the "x" on it and close the browser. It is not that hard. But sending me a comment that you do not find it funny pretty much shows that you need hobbies. A lot. Now. Sheesh.
2. I hate attorneys dude - This is my favorite. People who post comments on the internet about how much they hate attorneys. This is usually done in the context of "I hate trial lawyers" or "Trial lawyers always file these ridiculous lawsuits." Of course, this dude never admits that he hires trial lawyers to sue his clients or other people. This dude will never admit that he has hired an attorney a day in his life or that he regularly uses attorneys. He probably pays more to attorneys in a month than most people pay to an attorney in 10 years.
These people seem to think that "trial lawyer" is a derogatory term. I mean it is like "shock jock." Is a shock jock negative? I guess to those people who think that shock jocks are all Howard Stern - tall, skinny ugly dudes who couldn't make a living. But most "shock jocks" are just DJ's who put on a persona to sell ads on the radio to people who listen.
Trial lawyers are not bad people. We try lawsuits. That means sometimes we represent the plaintiff. But, the person representing the defendant is also a trial lawyer. The DA is a trial lawyer. The public defender is a trial lawyer. We may try different kinds of cases, but we are all trial lawyers. So next time you want to insult someone's profession, at least do it intelligently.
3. Hater, Dude - (Okay, that is a bad play on skater dude!) I am not even going to go the easy way. The racist dude is a hater. The anti-Semite is Bernie Eccelstone. Oh wait, I mean the anti-semite is a hater too. Then there is the anti Peter Brown. No wait, Peter Brown hates Jane Taylor. Thankfully for Jane and the rest of the Steve Irwin crew, he didn't get them all killed!
I want to focus on a specific hater - the disabled hater. We don't really have a good word for this person. The disabilitist. The anti-disabled. The scumbag. Oh yeah, that is what we call them.
There is the dude who hates on the person in the wheelchair. I actually read a comment from someone about a woman in a wheelchair and the dude said "She deserves whatever happened to her." Really? She deserves it? If you really believe that, may God have mercy on your soul, you sick bastard. Maybe she was born that way. Maybe some drunk driver crashed into her car. Maybe it is a genetic condition. Maybe it is some horrible illness that no one would want. Maybe it was a freak accident. Are there some people in wheelchairs who are jerks? Yep. But there are also people who are able bodied who are jerks too. And saying that someone deserves to be in a wheelchair is just mean. Don't justify it now you Jacka**. You are just a mean spirited person who should be taken out back and run over by a wheelchair several times. Hell, maybe we should strap you in one and see how much you like life and how easy life is for you. Trust me, it isn't easy. I wonder if your brain functions or if you are just that dumb.
There is the 2nd type of anti disabled person. This person actually writes that people should not have kids if they cannot afford to educate the kids. Um, anyone hear of the right to a free, appropriate public education. Besides, how the heck are you supposed to know if you can afford to educate your kid? Do you think people have kids saying "I hope this kid comes out with a learning disability so that I can spend money educating the kid." Maybe they say "I hope my kid comes out deaf, dumb and blind so he can be a Pinball Wizard, but how the heck am I supposed to pay for school?" Everyone is entitled to a free, appropriate public education. When schools don't provide it, they get sued. (See trial lawyers.) But don't say that the parents should be forced to pay out of pocket for the education of their special needs child. How about you pick up the cost for educating your child in full? Clearly it is the uneducated who thinks parents make decisions about having kids based on the cost of educating a special needs child. Does anyone actually think they are going to have a child with extra educational needs before they have the child? If you think yes, let me try a little electroshock therapy on you. Please?
Look, folks, it is not that hard. If you don't like something, don't read it. If you don't like someone, don't talk about him/her. If you don't like a group of people, shut your mouth and don't talk about them. And don't lump people into groups. Treat people individually. Is it that hard, really?
Saturday, July 11, 2009
More MJ
No, not Mitch Jackson or Micha Jarmel and not Michael Jordan. This is Michael Jackson. Since my last post has generated so much interest on my Facebook page and a few comments that were unpublishable, I thought I would share with you my top 5 Michael Jackson moments. And before you go off on me for taking shots at a dead guy, I would make these comments if dude was alive and his doctor hadn't doped him up - allegedly.
5. The Hair - remember the filming of the Pepsi commercial when his hair caught fire? His hair actually caught fire. Apparently there was so much product, ie junk, in his hair that it burned like a bonfire. Very nice.
4. The ghost - I remember in the 80s videos Michael had a darker complexion than me. Last picture I saw I thought I was looking at Casper. I know, some bizarre skin condition that could never be confirmed by a medical doctor. Or bleaching. Either way, good fodder for the blogger.
3. Macaluey Culkin - Culkin was a cute kid in Home Alone. Then Jacko spent a night in bed with Culkin. Culkin has been Clunkin along ever since. Oh, and he did wonders for Corey Feldman's career as well. Him and the wife who better stay cute since she aint the sharpest tool in the shed!
2. Eat it - Need I say more? Well, for those of you who do not follow the greatest parody singer of all time, I present for you the chorus:
Just eat it, eat it , eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter , it's broiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it, ooh
If you don't think this is funny, try the video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyfcOriVKBM If you still don't think this is funny, stop reading my blog. Now. Seriously. Give it up. Click the little "x" to close the box. Please.
1. Chiller - This is a little known parody of Thriller. You all remember the Thriller video? I stayed up past my bedtime to watch the world premiere with my family. We all gathered around the tv and put on MTV, which back then stood for music, something they don't have anymore on that station, and were awed by it. Well, here are the lyrics for Chiller:
It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the suit
At the Blue Oyster, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You leave the bar with the skinny dude who bought you drinks,
You strip to your skivvies as horror strikes you right between the guys,
You're paralyzed
'Cause this is chiller, chiller night
And you are going to end up in the freezer,
You know it's chiller, chiller night
Jeffrey Dahmer's going to turn you into frozen yogurt.
If you look, you can find it on the internet.
Look, folks, some of you are taking this way too seriously. It is a blog. It is fun. It is where I can write pretty much anything I want that isn't defamatory. And I will and I do. Do not confuse this with journalism, news, reporting or anything other than the thoughts of some guy usually at the end of a long day.
Pretend I am a poor man's John Stewart. Just not as funny. Nor as rich. Nor as popular. Hell, I don't have anything he has, except we are both named after the toilet. Dang it, Stewart, you are killing me again. Just once can't I be the cool John?
If you are going to take it much more seriously than that, you should go read War & Peace or anything by J. Maarten Troost, a funny travel writer. Really. I promise. Getting Stoned with the Savages is a good read.
PS By the way, I don't care how much tax revenue LA gets when the STATE SPENT THE MONEY. The state isn't collecting that money. And the loons who traveled to LA to go to a funeral of some dude they never met would have traveled even if the King of Nut, er, Pop, would have paid the $4,000,000 bill. So stop arguing about it.
PPS Just because dude wasn't convicted in a court of law does not mean he didn't do something wrong. Exhibit A: Bonds, Barry Bonds. He may never be convicted of anything but dude roided up - big time. Exhibit B: Capone, Al Capone. Dude wasn't convicted of being a mobster, but he was! Exhibit C: Simpson, Orenthal. Sure, dude didn't kill anyone. And I played in the NFL. The Juice should have stuck to the Naked Gun movies.
PPPS I think I just came up with my 6th favorite moment - he married the King's daughter. The King of Pop married the Princess. If they had kids, would they have been the Duke and Duchess? And they both acted like it was real. Sheesh.
5. The Hair - remember the filming of the Pepsi commercial when his hair caught fire? His hair actually caught fire. Apparently there was so much product, ie junk, in his hair that it burned like a bonfire. Very nice.
4. The ghost - I remember in the 80s videos Michael had a darker complexion than me. Last picture I saw I thought I was looking at Casper. I know, some bizarre skin condition that could never be confirmed by a medical doctor. Or bleaching. Either way, good fodder for the blogger.
3. Macaluey Culkin - Culkin was a cute kid in Home Alone. Then Jacko spent a night in bed with Culkin. Culkin has been Clunkin along ever since. Oh, and he did wonders for Corey Feldman's career as well. Him and the wife who better stay cute since she aint the sharpest tool in the shed!
2. Eat it - Need I say more? Well, for those of you who do not follow the greatest parody singer of all time, I present for you the chorus:
Just eat it, eat it , eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter , it's broiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it, ooh
If you don't think this is funny, try the video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyfcOriVKBM If you still don't think this is funny, stop reading my blog. Now. Seriously. Give it up. Click the little "x" to close the box. Please.
1. Chiller - This is a little known parody of Thriller. You all remember the Thriller video? I stayed up past my bedtime to watch the world premiere with my family. We all gathered around the tv and put on MTV, which back then stood for music, something they don't have anymore on that station, and were awed by it. Well, here are the lyrics for Chiller:
It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the suit
At the Blue Oyster, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You leave the bar with the skinny dude who bought you drinks,
You strip to your skivvies as horror strikes you right between the guys,
You're paralyzed
'Cause this is chiller, chiller night
And you are going to end up in the freezer,
You know it's chiller, chiller night
Jeffrey Dahmer's going to turn you into frozen yogurt.
If you look, you can find it on the internet.
Look, folks, some of you are taking this way too seriously. It is a blog. It is fun. It is where I can write pretty much anything I want that isn't defamatory. And I will and I do. Do not confuse this with journalism, news, reporting or anything other than the thoughts of some guy usually at the end of a long day.
Pretend I am a poor man's John Stewart. Just not as funny. Nor as rich. Nor as popular. Hell, I don't have anything he has, except we are both named after the toilet. Dang it, Stewart, you are killing me again. Just once can't I be the cool John?
If you are going to take it much more seriously than that, you should go read War & Peace or anything by J. Maarten Troost, a funny travel writer. Really. I promise. Getting Stoned with the Savages is a good read.
PS By the way, I don't care how much tax revenue LA gets when the STATE SPENT THE MONEY. The state isn't collecting that money. And the loons who traveled to LA to go to a funeral of some dude they never met would have traveled even if the King of Nut, er, Pop, would have paid the $4,000,000 bill. So stop arguing about it.
PPS Just because dude wasn't convicted in a court of law does not mean he didn't do something wrong. Exhibit A: Bonds, Barry Bonds. He may never be convicted of anything but dude roided up - big time. Exhibit B: Capone, Al Capone. Dude wasn't convicted of being a mobster, but he was! Exhibit C: Simpson, Orenthal. Sure, dude didn't kill anyone. And I played in the NFL. The Juice should have stuck to the Naked Gun movies.
PPPS I think I just came up with my 6th favorite moment - he married the King's daughter. The King of Pop married the Princess. If they had kids, would they have been the Duke and Duchess? And they both acted like it was real. Sheesh.
Our State Leaders at Work Again
I don't know about the rest of you, but I am tired of our state leaders. The "Big 5" as they are called should really be called the "We can't get our heads out of our arses 5." This would be the Governor, the Speaker of the Assembly, the Senate Leader and the two minority party leaders from the Senate and the Assembly. For those of you keeping track, that would be Arnold, Darrell "I think I am a lot smarter than I really am" Steinberg, Karen "I couldn't get out of my own way if you paid me $1,000,000 but I am sure I would say something dumb" Bass, and two Republicans who change regularly.
So, Arnold is proposing another furlough day for state workers. Karen Bass says "More furloughs mean more foreclosures." Really? Are you sure? Did you come up with that pearl of wisdom yourself? Of course, you are also supporting legislation that will mean more foreclosures (see AB 764). (Memo to Dave Jones: I know you read this stuff so if you want to avoid my wrath, you shouldn't do dumb things.)
But now these folks have somehow come up with $4,000,000 to pay for Jacko's funeral. That is $4 million. That would be enough money to pay for a whole lot of stuff! For Michael Jackson. Dude has Neverland and the Beatles collection of songs, but we need to pay for his funeral. Really? We have that money laying around.
Hey Karen Bass: $4,000,000 means less foreclosures. Less. That means fewer. That means more people keep their homes. That means less homeless people. That is a good thing. But you blew that money you freaking useless quote machine. $4,000,000 would also pay for a new speechwriter for you so you can at least sound intelligent. I don't want you to actually spend that money on a speechwriter, since the $130,000 or so you get paid already is wasted money. Of course, you could also use that money to go back to college. Wait, I am sorry, your incompetent leadership is one reason many people can no longer afford college, you crazy lady.
Hey Darrell: I know they don't teach business classes in law school (and that is a whole different rant) but I am sure you learned this in like 5th grade. You cannot have negative money. Yet, somehow, you managed to keep us in the same ridiculous cycle. And you allow our state to spend $4,000,000 we don't have. How exactly does that work? I mean, you must be smart - you went to law school. It was a UC school, so maybe you aren't as smart as we thought since you are slowly limiting the number of people who can afford to go to your alma mater. Do you not understand that your expenses must be equal to or less than your income? Is that concept too difficult for you? If so, maybe you should resign and we should get someone, anyone, who can figure out how to do math.
Darrell and Karen are a disgrace and we let them continue to lead. And where do we get the money to pay for a funeral? Should we pay for a funeral for everyone else who dies this year? What makes Michael more special than kid who drowned in his pool this week? Because he could sing? Sure, but he also spent money disfiguring himself. Should we spend money on the funeral of a cutter who dies? What about the anorexic who dies? That person disfigured herself too. Is Wacko Jacko more special?
I admit it. He could sing. He could dance. He could sleep in bed with little children - allegedly. He could hang his kid, Prince, upside down from a hotel balcony. He could go from black to white. He was like anti-black face, or white face. So what makes him special? I know lots of people who can sing and dance and don't try to change their skin color. Should we pay for their funerals too?
I just don't get it. We have no money. Our state workers now have a 15% pay cut. They are going to be looking at a fourth furlough day or another 5% pay cut. And somehow we have money to spend on this freak's funeral. Really? Where, exactly, is that money coming from? Are Steinberg and Bass paying for it with their complete inability to strike a budget deal? Is the Governor going to pay for it with his personal fortune from his roid days? I sure as heck am not going to pay for this. It is a complete embarrassment for our state and another example of the complete lack of leadership of our alleged leaders.
So, Arnold is proposing another furlough day for state workers. Karen Bass says "More furloughs mean more foreclosures." Really? Are you sure? Did you come up with that pearl of wisdom yourself? Of course, you are also supporting legislation that will mean more foreclosures (see AB 764). (Memo to Dave Jones: I know you read this stuff so if you want to avoid my wrath, you shouldn't do dumb things.)
But now these folks have somehow come up with $4,000,000 to pay for Jacko's funeral. That is $4 million. That would be enough money to pay for a whole lot of stuff! For Michael Jackson. Dude has Neverland and the Beatles collection of songs, but we need to pay for his funeral. Really? We have that money laying around.
Hey Karen Bass: $4,000,000 means less foreclosures. Less. That means fewer. That means more people keep their homes. That means less homeless people. That is a good thing. But you blew that money you freaking useless quote machine. $4,000,000 would also pay for a new speechwriter for you so you can at least sound intelligent. I don't want you to actually spend that money on a speechwriter, since the $130,000 or so you get paid already is wasted money. Of course, you could also use that money to go back to college. Wait, I am sorry, your incompetent leadership is one reason many people can no longer afford college, you crazy lady.
Hey Darrell: I know they don't teach business classes in law school (and that is a whole different rant) but I am sure you learned this in like 5th grade. You cannot have negative money. Yet, somehow, you managed to keep us in the same ridiculous cycle. And you allow our state to spend $4,000,000 we don't have. How exactly does that work? I mean, you must be smart - you went to law school. It was a UC school, so maybe you aren't as smart as we thought since you are slowly limiting the number of people who can afford to go to your alma mater. Do you not understand that your expenses must be equal to or less than your income? Is that concept too difficult for you? If so, maybe you should resign and we should get someone, anyone, who can figure out how to do math.
Darrell and Karen are a disgrace and we let them continue to lead. And where do we get the money to pay for a funeral? Should we pay for a funeral for everyone else who dies this year? What makes Michael more special than kid who drowned in his pool this week? Because he could sing? Sure, but he also spent money disfiguring himself. Should we spend money on the funeral of a cutter who dies? What about the anorexic who dies? That person disfigured herself too. Is Wacko Jacko more special?
I admit it. He could sing. He could dance. He could sleep in bed with little children - allegedly. He could hang his kid, Prince, upside down from a hotel balcony. He could go from black to white. He was like anti-black face, or white face. So what makes him special? I know lots of people who can sing and dance and don't try to change their skin color. Should we pay for their funerals too?
I just don't get it. We have no money. Our state workers now have a 15% pay cut. They are going to be looking at a fourth furlough day or another 5% pay cut. And somehow we have money to spend on this freak's funeral. Really? Where, exactly, is that money coming from? Are Steinberg and Bass paying for it with their complete inability to strike a budget deal? Is the Governor going to pay for it with his personal fortune from his roid days? I sure as heck am not going to pay for this. It is a complete embarrassment for our state and another example of the complete lack of leadership of our alleged leaders.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Bernie Ecclestone is an IDIOT
Okay, that's not a strong enough word. But, first, who the heck is Bernie Eccelstone? Well, to most Americans, Bernie Eccelstone is nobody. To Europeans, they know him as the President of Formula One racing. That would be open wheeled racing that no one in this country follows. Think of it this way, in terms of order of importance: Nascar, Nationwide Series, Indycar, Indy Lites, drag racing, Camping World Series, your local track, tractor pull, and then somewhere down below that is Formula One (F1). Yes, soccer in this country rates above Bernie Eccelstone's freaking piece of crap sport. They drive around in cars in Europe and he thinks people care.
So, why is Bernie dumber than the movie Weekend at Bernie's? Well, here are Bernie's type 4 dumbest comments:
4. Women should wear white like all other domestic appliances.
Really, Bernie? Women are appliances. Maybe the ones who hang out with you. Those would be the kind who smoke their cancer sticks, don't shave their armpits, haven't washed this month, and couldn't find a bar of soap if it glowed in the dark. In fact, the women who a guy like Bernie gets probably can't even add two plus two, which would be the number of teeth they have on the top of their mouth and the bottom of their mouth. I am pretty sure I know 6 year olds who have lost more teeth than Bernie's women have right now.
3. I would love to have a good lady race driver and preferably black and Jewish too, but they might take maternity leave.
My guess is that a good lady race driver wouldn't take maternity leave from Bernie's series because a good lady race driver wouldn't ever go to Bernie's series. Heck, a bad lady race driver wouldn't go to Bernie's series. In fact, why the hell does anyone race F1? I am pretty sure Sanjay from American Idol gets more publicity than anyone racing F1. Can you name one driver for Bernie? NO! Why? Because his racing league sucks. So, he doesn't have to worry about anyone taking maternity leave - not even the spectators because no one watches his races!
2. Saddam Hussein was the only one who could control that country.
Really? And by control you mean kill the soccer team if they lost? Blow up people's homes if they dissented? I assume Bernie means control by killing anyone who opposed him. Think of it this way Eccelschmuck: if controlling means killing anyone who disagrees with you, the leaders of Europe should kill you since you disagree with them. How would you like that, you freaking wanna-be David Stern who can't figure out how to talk to the public?
1. Hitler was good in the way he could command a lot of people and get things done.
I guess that means Bernie thinks Jim Jones is a genius. How about the dudes with Haley's comet? (Hey, you can't expect me to know everyone's name, but dude's first name was Marshall and he looked creepy. Very creepy.) After all, Jones got all of his followers to kill themselves with him. Hitler wussed out and killed himself and none of his followers had the guts to go with him. Bernie is a schmuck. Next he is going to deny the Holocaust, isn't he? MORON! When someone kills 12,000,000 people there is nothing good to say about him. Are you unaware of that, Bernie the crazy? That would have been his name if he was arrested for hate crimes, which by the way he should be. Why don't we arrest people who say crap like this and drop them in the middle of the Pacific ocean - alone, with no boat?
Here is my vote: lets boycott F1. Oh wait. No one watches it anyway. So lets take all of their ridiculous cars and smash them. Then we take all of Dumbarsstone's money and we give it to the people who are disabled and maimed by Saddam. Then we take all of the team's who race for Formula None and we make them get real jobs. Idiots.
So, why is Bernie dumber than the movie Weekend at Bernie's? Well, here are Bernie's type 4 dumbest comments:
4. Women should wear white like all other domestic appliances.
Really, Bernie? Women are appliances. Maybe the ones who hang out with you. Those would be the kind who smoke their cancer sticks, don't shave their armpits, haven't washed this month, and couldn't find a bar of soap if it glowed in the dark. In fact, the women who a guy like Bernie gets probably can't even add two plus two, which would be the number of teeth they have on the top of their mouth and the bottom of their mouth. I am pretty sure I know 6 year olds who have lost more teeth than Bernie's women have right now.
3. I would love to have a good lady race driver and preferably black and Jewish too, but they might take maternity leave.
My guess is that a good lady race driver wouldn't take maternity leave from Bernie's series because a good lady race driver wouldn't ever go to Bernie's series. Heck, a bad lady race driver wouldn't go to Bernie's series. In fact, why the hell does anyone race F1? I am pretty sure Sanjay from American Idol gets more publicity than anyone racing F1. Can you name one driver for Bernie? NO! Why? Because his racing league sucks. So, he doesn't have to worry about anyone taking maternity leave - not even the spectators because no one watches his races!
2. Saddam Hussein was the only one who could control that country.
Really? And by control you mean kill the soccer team if they lost? Blow up people's homes if they dissented? I assume Bernie means control by killing anyone who opposed him. Think of it this way Eccelschmuck: if controlling means killing anyone who disagrees with you, the leaders of Europe should kill you since you disagree with them. How would you like that, you freaking wanna-be David Stern who can't figure out how to talk to the public?
1. Hitler was good in the way he could command a lot of people and get things done.
I guess that means Bernie thinks Jim Jones is a genius. How about the dudes with Haley's comet? (Hey, you can't expect me to know everyone's name, but dude's first name was Marshall and he looked creepy. Very creepy.) After all, Jones got all of his followers to kill themselves with him. Hitler wussed out and killed himself and none of his followers had the guts to go with him. Bernie is a schmuck. Next he is going to deny the Holocaust, isn't he? MORON! When someone kills 12,000,000 people there is nothing good to say about him. Are you unaware of that, Bernie the crazy? That would have been his name if he was arrested for hate crimes, which by the way he should be. Why don't we arrest people who say crap like this and drop them in the middle of the Pacific ocean - alone, with no boat?
Here is my vote: lets boycott F1. Oh wait. No one watches it anyway. So lets take all of their ridiculous cars and smash them. Then we take all of Dumbarsstone's money and we give it to the people who are disabled and maimed by Saddam. Then we take all of the team's who race for Formula None and we make them get real jobs. Idiots.
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