My name is, My name is.........

Greek Rectum. That is so not nice of me. Okay, the guys name is not Greek Rectum. But, it might as well be. Dude should be a rectal douche. Why?

So, I am working away today. And I get this call. The guy is an attorney. He practices in bankruptcy law. He would also owe a client of mine some money. Not a ton of money, but some money. She asked for a refund. They said no. I asked for a refund for her. They said no. So, it gets escalated. Remember, I sue people - and I like it.

So, he starts by explaining he wants to resolve this. Apparently his partner Flamboyant Little Thing (just trust me, the name is funny if you think about the opposite of the Big Johnson t-shirts that were popular in the early 90s) was complaining about having to spend time on this. And this partner thinks he has better things to do. At that point, the conversation went downhill. A few of the lowlights:

1. Greek says to me "Hey, bro." Um, hey? Hay is for horses. Now I know his receptionist has a John Elway like mouth, but really, is that my fault? (Okay, go Google John Elway and look at his smile. Seriously, he could play football, but he smiles like Secretariat.) And bro? Suffice it to say, I have exchanged unpleasantries with this guy before. And he calls me bro. I said, and I am not making this part up "I am not your bro, your pal, your friend or your buddy. Don't call me any of those names. I don't even like you." Look, if you have been to my house, we hang out, and I know something about you other than the fact that you are a Rectum Douche, then you can call my bro, brother, pal, buddy, ole friend, or any other similar name. If I think big, fat, hairy white a** when I hear your name, you should probably stick with calling me by my first name or Mr. X.

2. He then says to me "You are looking for coals. I am looking for diamonds on the beach." Okay, I don't know what this means. Seriously. I have no freaking clue. Diamonds on the beach? I dont know much, but I know diamonds come from underground. I have yet to find a diamond on the beach. I mean, maybe he broke out one of those $750 metal detectors and he found one when he was like 16, pasty white with his gut hanging over his Speedo and he thought he was cool, but I have never found a diamond on the beach. I am pretty sure deBeers does not get their diamonds from the beach either.

As for me, coals? I think I like coal. Its hard so you can pick it up and hurl it at people, hitting them in their twerpy little heads and making it go "thud." Of course, in some people's case, it would make the sound of a rock hitting a hollow piece of wood. I'm not saying some people who are heinys have nothing in their heads, but..........

Of course, coal + pressure = diamond. Okay, a lot of pressure. Over a long period of time. But, it still makes a diamond. So I think dude just said that I can take a decent case and turn it into a diamond. I think so. Or maybe he meant that he and his partner turn coal into diamonds in their tuchus'. I mean, these two guys are so uptight that their voices crack during their radio ads. The only thing worse would be if they threw in a one eyed attorney who can't spell and forgot to take a shower.

Seriously, I think he meant he is looking for high dollar cases. But that leads me to #3.

3. He says "I have over 2,000 active clients." He has 4 attorneys. Do the math. 500 cases per attorney, for those of you who are reading this after 10pm and don't want to do the math. There are two types of law firms: volume and quality. And the two shall never meet. Either you try to make your money on volume or you try to make a living by handling a lower number of quality cases. A quality case could be a diamond. It could be. I have never heard anyone ever refer to it as such, but I guess you could. Anyway, 500 cases per attorney means you are doing a volume practice. And when you charge a client, on average, $2,000, you are making a lot of money. Of course, you have overhead, but the gross income number looks impressive.

But, really, if an attorney have 500 active clients, how much time and attention can any one client get? Lets see, in an 8 hour day, that is 480 minutes of work. That is less than one minute per client per day. That is less than 5 minutes per client per week. That is less than 20 minutes per client per month.

Now, I am not a client of a law firm, but I am pretty sure if I dropped $2,000 on an attorney and the attorney spent an hour on my case in 3 months, I would be one ticked off white dude. In a year, the attorney would spend 4 hours. That is $500 per hour. For some guy who hasn't spent more than 4 hours on my case all year. That doesn't sound like a diamond. Well, maybe diamonique. Maybe some cheap, made in a factory reject diamond. That would about fit in with this guy. I think I saw his Hyundai Diamante next to his Vasio watch next to his Looney and Dourke wallet. Yes, this dude carries a murse.

So, there you go. I was called bro, told he was looking for diamonds on the beach and has some ridiculous number of clients. He was surprised that I wasn't so keen on talking to him. Yeah, funny how I don't like people so much who start in with attacks on me and my client. I would attack his client, but I don't think they would get it. You know, those two syllable words are too much for these folks. These people couldn't even count to 16 to figure out when to file a motion. But go on, attack me. In the meantime, I am going to at least have some blog fodder from Rectum, Little Thing and Dweebs.

Are you a bad client?

Okay, maybe this should be a regular series. You know, I can be one of those attorneys who blogs, or makes up blogs, and then tries to turn it into a book deal or a job or something inane like that. Or, I could just keep my day job and do this for fun. Oh, and not make crap up. Yeah, I think I like that better. But, this could still be a regular series. Maybe "Thinks that make you go hmmmm....." No wait, that was taken in the 90s as a song title by C&C Music Factory. Wait, I think these folks were so cool that it wasn't C&C it was C+C. You know, the plus instead of the ampersand. Okay, how many of you knew that this "&" was called an ampersand? And how many of you could spell it? LIARS!

How about if I call it "You might be a bad client if........" You know, like you might be a redneck if....... Of course, I can combine the two. You might be a bad client is you are a redneck. Just take out the might. That is a guarantee!

Anyway, here are a few signs you are a bad client:

1. You call 20+ times in two hours. (Notice the use of + like C+C so I could think I am cool.) Yes, today, a Saturday, I had a client call 22 times in 2 hours. That works out to more than once every 6 minutes. It is like a call every 5 1/2 minutes. That is absurd. First, who the heck has that much free time that he/she can dial the phone every 5 1/2 minutes? Second, who doesn't get the point? If I am not in the first 5 times you call, do you think I am suddenly going to be in the for the next 17 times? Sure, I could pick up the phone one of those random times, but odds are against it. And leaving me a message every time that I need to call you does not mean I am going to call you. I may call you on a Saturday. Chances are about 50-50. But once in a while I like to hang with Mr. Cooper. No wait, that is a tv show from the 80s with Marc Curry. Dude was not that funny. Once in a while I like to hang with my family and that means no calls or maybe one call. I made my one call today. No more calls for me!

2. You call and then put me on hold! Look, if you want to talk to me, great. I don't mind talking. I am more than happy to answer your questions. I will even give you a consultation. Its one reason I have blogs. I don't mind giving people information. But, if you think that calling me and then when I answer saying "Can you hold on?" is a good idea, think again. It means to me that you think your time is more important than mine. Sure, there are emergencies that come up, but that shouldn't be the first time we talk. And if you do it to me on the initial consultation or more than once, it means you really think your time is more important than my time. That makes you a bad client. I will respect your time, but please respect mine. I have another client or two who probably wants to talk to me.

3. You drop profanity on me. If you want to use profanity regularly, be my guest. Call your friends and have conversations that go "Hey you mother-bleeper, how the bleep are you bleeping doing? Did you hear what that bleephead Billy did? That dude is one bleeped up bleeper." Do it all freaking day if you want. Just don't call me and start with profanity. Do I use it? Sure. Some punk wants to call me and be an idiot, I will get off the phone and call someone or tell someone that the guy is a BLEEP! But, I don't use it on the phone unless some POC debt collector drops it on me. You know, like the guy who said he wished I was dead. Then it is fair game. But if you are a client, you are not going to impress me by dropping profanity in the conversation. In fact, it is going to make me question whether your going to be able to stay professional during a trial or a hearing or some other proceeding.

I am sure there are more ways that you can be a bad client. As they come up, I am sure I am going to blog about them. And I am sure some of the attorneys who read this will add to it. But please folks, just following these three simple rules will make sure you are not a bad client - or at least be a start. Oh, one more: don't sing Pit Bull to me. Ever. Automatic firing!

TLC has a little person fetish

I cannot explain it. I don't know that anyone can explain it. What is up with TLC? These folks, or at least the dude in charge of programming, has a fetish with little people, er, dwarfs, er midgets, er really short folks? What exactly do we call them now? Have you watched this channel lately? I would really like to know who is in charge of programming over there. Is anyone?

First, they have Little People, Big World. This is about a family where mom and dad are, not surprisingly, little folks. Apparently, they think it is a big world. I kind of thought it was a little world. I actually thought the world was getting smaller. I guess if you are under 4'6, the world is getting bigger. Are these folks not familiar with the internet? Did they miss Al Gore's invention?

Then, there is Little Couple. Now, one might think that these are the same people. After all, if mom and dad are married and little, they are a little couple. But no, TLC has apparently found a new little couple. Yes, apparently these folks are eager to be on television. I don't know why. Is it in a little person's genes? Its like on Chromosome 22 or something. That is where the height is determined and if the height is under 4'6, you also have a desire to be on TV more than Heidi and Spencer, who by the way needs to be taken out back and whooped. That dude is a train wreck. Sorry, back to the little folks. This woman is a doctor or something and her husband is a "businessman," whatever the heck that means. Does he own a business? Is he a business like LeBron James, LLC? I don't quite understand. What is the deal with him.

Anyway, they then have Dwarf Adoption. Um, hello? Dwarf? Really? Someone is going to name a show Dwarf Adoption? What's next? Dwarf bowling? Dwarf wrestling? I think both of those were outlawed when we turned from the 80s to the 90s. Seriously, when is the last time you saw midget wrestling on WWE or RAW or one of those shows? I remember seeing it in the 80s, but I don't think I have seen it advertised on USA anytime in the last 2 decades. But, apparently if these folks want to adopt, suddenly it is okay to call them dwarfs again. Just because I want to join the circus, does not mean it is okay to start a show called "Cracker Circus."

Seriously, who names these shows? Yes, I want to know. Who comes up with the name of these shows? And how much money do they make? What kind of college degree do you need? Do you even need a college degree or do they take people from Fake Online U in Barbados? I think I could come up with names like this.

Oh, and don't forget that TLC is also home to Toddlers and Tiaras. I recently saw a few minutes of a show where the little girl's name was Kragen. Clearly, that is the name of the store whose parking lot mom and dad were in when she was conceived. I was thinking that they probably meant Pep Boys, but they couldn't figure out who was Manny, Mo or Jack. They were going to go with NAPA as well, but the capital letters confused them.

I really think TLC changed its name from "The Learning Channel" to "Them Little Cuties" and decide that TLC sounded better than "Them Little Cuties." Really, who is programming that station? And did they pass an IQ test?

Just wondering..........