Five Things I Think I Think

With apologies to Peter King of Sports Illustrated. But, heck, he only did it with three. I managed to up the ante, Peter. I got 5. Can you do 7? Think of it like Name That Tune, in reverse. "Bob, I can think about 5 things." "Well, Bob, that's nice, but I can think about 7 things." Bob: "Mark, can you think about 9 things?" "No. I am going to make him THINK THOSE THINGS!" (APPLAUSE)

So, without further nonsensical ramblings, 5 things I think I think:

1. Internet marketing companies - Have you ever noticed how many internet marketing companies use spam to market? They want me to hire them and their method of getting my attention is spam. What the heck? I thought if you were good at internet marketing, I would Google "internet marketing company" and you would come up first. After all, if I Google for lawyer marketing, Smart Marketing comes up first. No, that is not a shameless plug for my friend Mark Merenda. It is just a fact. He comes up first. If you are a marketing company run by a guy who sounds like a cow, then you do not come up first. Of course, Mark also doesn't tell you that anything about Nazi's are good. Another good reason to hire him! But, I digress - again. If you claim to be a marketing consultant and you have to spam me, doesn't it tell me everything I need to know about your marketing skills? Just wondering.

2. Make up - what is the deal with woman wearing eye make up that runs up their foreheads and to their ears? I get a little eye shadow is nice. It can bring out the color of your eyes. It can look pretty. But, running it up your face, across the forehead and to the ears? That just screams "I think Tami Faye Baker was pretty." You might as well wear a sign that says "My brother is also my father." I mean, the only thing worse than this make up, is having a tattoo across your chest and up your neck. YUCK! Guys do not find either look attractive. Trust me on this. I promise. If you can find a guy who thinks it is attractive, I will show you a guy who thinks Stacey London is attractive. (Note to Stacey: if you are going to tell people what to wear, someone should tell you this: that little streak of gray hair in the front is lame. Give it up!)

3. Muscle shirts - why the hell do guys wear these shirts? What are you trying to prove? That you have muscles? Great. Thanks for the notice. But, dude, if your shirt has less material than a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model bathing suit, you are not cool. In fact, you may want to consider attending LA - Losers Anonymous. You are doing it to show everyone how cool you are. Guess what? You aren't cool. You aren't much. At least, I am pretty sure that is what your girlfriend said when she saw you showering. I mean, your shirt material, all 3", could be used to make your jock strap. At least, that's what I heard. Put on a shirt, you weenie-less weenie. Get a life!

4. Hi, its me - Really? It's you? Thanks. Now, just tell me this: WHO ARE YOU? How am I supposed to recognize your voice? Sure, I know my wife's voice. I can recognize my kids. I even know the voice of my mother, who doesn't call me that often - or ever. But, after that, I probably can't recognize your voice. Sure, if you have a strange accent and you call me, I can probably figure it out. But, if you are Sally Field or Sally Struthers or Sally States, I probably don't recognize your voice. Well, Sally States I do because she has an accent. But the rest of you, is it that hard to say "Hi, its Suzy." It really is one syllable more than "me" and not that hard. Try it - you might like the sound of your own name, unless your name is something like Tyneia or Erica.

5. Cologne - really, do guys still wear cologne? Really? I mean, I think I outgrew cologne when I was like 17. I used to wear Polo. I admit it - I was a preppie. I wore Polo cologne. But I cannot think of the last time I wore cologne. And there are ads for cologne everywhere. Do guys actually put this on? Or is it muscle shirt guy who wears it? I mean, who else would wear this stuff. Do women actually like the smell? Wait, even I know that answer - women like the smell of cologne as much as they like Al Bundy's hand down his britches. (Come on - the use of britches there was brilliant, just brilliant. You weren't expecting it. I feel like Matt Damon in Ocean's Thirteen talking to his dad - the nose sold it. The britches sold it. Admit it already!) How about we give the cologne a break? Please? The women of the world will appreciate it.

So, there you go. Five things I think. I beat Peter King. I beat Peter King! Na ni na ni poo poo!