Today's Song Lyrics

(WARNING: This post contains adult content and an adult topic.)

Have you listened to the radio lately? Try one of those top 40 stations. This ain't your Casey Kasem America's Top 40. (You know you sang that tune when saying America's Top 40. You have to. Its hardwired into you. Everyone does it.) They play songs that make fingernails going down a blackboard sound good. And the lyrics make Biz Markie sound like a poet. You know Biz Markie, he of the famous lyrics "I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah/ She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra." (For those of you over 50 and an attorney in San Jose, you should check it out here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSDXcpXJr4M I mean, this is singing at its best!)

I know its not Tesla or Judas Priest. (Hey, if you like them check out Rockalottapus at www.robarnieanddawn.com where tickets are still available. Of course, if you don't like Tesla, Whitesnake and Judas Priest, why the heck are you going to this lame concert? I mean, watching a cat fight (no, not two women, actual cats fighting) would be more interesting.) But this is some good quality writing. A few examples:

1. Jeremih has a song called "Birthday Sex." It is about sex on one's birthday. Are you surprised? I mean, at least Meatloaf was writing songs about sex and not calling it sex. Who can forget Paradise By the Dashboard Light. Yes, paradise is a euphemism for something else! Jeremih sings:

"See you sexy in them jeans got me on 10/1-2-3... Think I got you pinned/Don't tap out, fight until the end/Ring that bell, and we gon start over again...."

I know Jeremih isn't that bright since his parents apparently thought there was a 7 letter limit on names like license plates. Dude, can I call him dude?, apparently thinks that sex is like the UFC. He doesn't even want her to stop - he wants to go until she blacks out. Really? I don't know about the rest of you, but that is so not how I do it. I think we call that rape in some states.

2. Pitbull has a song called "I Know You Want Me." Now, Pitbull is a white guy who looks like a dweeb. No wait, dweeb is an overstatement. He has dark sunglasses and keeps the microphone so close to his mouth it looks a bit like he is giving fellatio while rapping. His cool lyrics:

"Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey/look like King Kong, welcome to the crib/305 thats what it is/with a woman down ya s*** dont play games...."

Seriously. What the heck does this mean? She has an ass like a donkey? Does that mean it is hairy? Does she have a tail? If so, I think we call that beastiality. And, even if it weren't illegal, I have one thing to say: YUCK! Disgusting. Dude, you want a donkey? Not just any donkey, but a donkey with a monkey? What the hell does that mean? Does she look like King Kong? Cause, I have to tell you, in all of the times I have thought about a woman, she has NEVER EVER EVER looked like King Kong. I mean, there was a Julia Stiles phase, and a Diane Lane phase but never a King Kong phase. Ever. Pitbull clearly needs some help. Dr. Drew? Paging Dr. Drew. No wait, Dr. Phil would rather whore himself out to help Pitbull like he offered to do with Brittany.

3. Baby Bash has a song called "Suga, Suga." Notice the lack of "r" on Suga, Suga. If it were sugar, sugar, we would be talking baking. But, this dude is talking about something else. Apparently. I am not really sure what he is talking about. He sings:

"you like my sticky icky or my sweet ooey gooey"

Really, do I have to make that clearer for you? Is that not clear enough? YUCK! How can you sing about that? At least Paperboy was a bit cleaner in Ditty when he sang:

"Cuz now that I'm rich so many women wanna do me"

Of course, if you saw Paperboy, you would know that the women who wanna do him need a little Lasik. At least some Acuvue. I mean, maybe he can rap, but I am guessing women don't wanna do him. (By the way, how do you tell if he is a good rapper? Is the angle of the gangsta lean in the car an indication of the quality of the rapper?)

I am pretty sure I can write crap like this. How about this:

I am cruisin' for the chicks,
I just got done usin' my Bics,
My head is clean shave,
I think I found a girl who is my fave,
I'm gonna pop and lock and hit that,
While she screams and moans with the kitty cat.

(Okay, its not good. I get that. My rapping skills suck. I am as bad as Shaq at rapping. I get it. I know. I admit it. The point of this is not my rapping skills or my writing skills. Its called a parody people. Laugh!)

I am voting that all bad music be banned forever. And if you write a bad song, you should go join TI in jail. Or maybe we should send you to live with Richard Hatch!