What the fuck is wrong with people today? Is Mercury in retrograde? (I have no idea what it means. Someone who I know and like actually made that comment to me one day and I still haven't looked it up to figure out what the fuck it means. If you know, please tell me.)
Lets see. I just got a voice mail message from a guy who stated "Steven Smith, 415-555-1212." That was the entire fucking message. What does that mean? I assume that is your name and number, but so what? Are you looking for a prostitute? Do you need a lawyer? Are you looking for Jenny? How the fuck I am supposed to know what you want and whether you even called the right place?
This, of course, followed a woman who couldn't slow down enough for me to understand her. Look, I like John Moschitta (Google him or look here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeK5ZjtpO-M) as much as the next guy, if not more. I think hes pretty funny. But when you want me to tell you if you have a case, if you can't slow down enough for me to understand you, then my answer is no. I have no idea if she has been sued, was hurt, or has been arrested. Look, that takes some special talent. Slow down and explain yourself to me. Its not that hard - is it?
This is followed by the douchebag idiot dweeb who continues to jerk with me on a case. I think he finds it funny. I think the court doesnt find it funny. I think his clients will find it even less funny when I am done with the trial. I dont really think the law was created for pantywaste guys like this to do things that they think are cool. Its not cool. No one likes you. And your reputation is so bad that Joe Francis looks like a freaking saint compared to you. (Google him too.)
I dont know what the fuck is wrong with people today. I am going to get my work done, spend time with my family, drink a root beer or six, and tell them all to go jump in a fucking lake.
Thanks!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
More on my little town
Before you read this, you should read this from August 1, 2011: http://randomrants08.blogspot.com/2011/08/my-hometown.html
Done? Good. Do you feel enlightened? Probably not. So let me enlighten some more.
No, Elk Grove does not have a gang problem. Are you idiots? A gang problem? Do you know what a gang problem is? Go look at the website for LAPD and click on Southeast. That, my friends, is a gang problem. Then go look at the crime map for Elk Grove. In my area, there were 4 freaking thefts. 4. Total. 12 in all of Elk Grove. Total. 12. Um, folks, there were more than 12 in a day in Southeast LA. They average 12 in a day. We have 12 in 14 days. Do the math.
Are there bad folks who live here? Yes. DUH! There are bad folks who live in Beverly Hills. Hell, in the rich area of LA, there were 43 crimes in the last week. 43 in a week. That would average out to 86 in 14 days. I am not a math person, but that is about 7 times more crime than we have. And don't tell me that there are one million people in the Beverly Hills area of LA. There just aren't. Hell, Beverly Hills itself only has 34,000 people or so.
So, lets put this to rest: there is no gang problem in Elk Grove. None. Not at all. Are there kids who think they are gangbangers? Sure. There are also idiots who want to stir up trouble, adults who think they are tough, douchebags who are racist and losers who make crap up. If you think there isnt a place in this great country of ours that doesnt have those people, I have a bridge to sell you. And maybe some swamp land!
Now, lets not pretend our city is perfect. Apparently, the city can't find it in the budget to buy some freaking blue light bulbs for Autism awareness month. Had I known money was so tight, I would have started by asking why we pay Bank of America $108,000 to manage our money. Maybe we could drop that by say $108,000. Seriously, why does a city pay $108,000 to a bank to manage our money? Here is an idea - the bank should pay us interest. Novel concept. But seriously, we couldn't come up with the money to put up a couple of stinking blue light bulbs? They could turn the Empire State Building blue and we couldn't put up blue lights at City Hall or Laguna Town Hall or some place like that? Dear Elk Grove, I got a couple of bucks for blue freaking lights next year. And I got a construction friend who will install them. Deal? Sincerely, Me
And then we have politicians. I won't lump them all together. But let me say this: if you come out to one of my events and shake my hand for a freaking picture, you sure as hell better remember me and when I put on the event next year, you should be the first person to sponsor it. Is that really asking for too much?
And if you want to bring professional sports to our fine city (read this: http://randomrants08.blogspot.com/2011/12/mls-in-elk-grove-i-think-not.html) then how about you support things that actually happen? You want to get professional soccer? Then support a soccer event - especially one that gets tweeted about my, say, professional soccer teams! I mean, I am not a genius on product development, marketing, etc... but I did grow up as the son of a guy who did that crap for a living. I learned a thing or two. You don't jump from nothing to the big time unless you show you can support the little things. It just doesn't happen in this day and age. So if you want to bring in something like MLS, then start by supporting a little soccer game that raises money and gets attention.
(Sure, its my game and its a bit self serving, but its not nearly as bad as what these folks do. I want to raise money for a good cause which will then show the powers that be that we support soccer. That in turn makes it easier to get them to support you. Its not rocket science folks.)
So there you have it. We are not utopia. But we are not some crime riddled city where people should flee to the safety of their bunkers. We are a nice town with some issues and politicians who can pay lawyers to fight over things, but not put up a couple of damn blue light bulbs.
Done? Good. Do you feel enlightened? Probably not. So let me enlighten some more.
No, Elk Grove does not have a gang problem. Are you idiots? A gang problem? Do you know what a gang problem is? Go look at the website for LAPD and click on Southeast. That, my friends, is a gang problem. Then go look at the crime map for Elk Grove. In my area, there were 4 freaking thefts. 4. Total. 12 in all of Elk Grove. Total. 12. Um, folks, there were more than 12 in a day in Southeast LA. They average 12 in a day. We have 12 in 14 days. Do the math.
Are there bad folks who live here? Yes. DUH! There are bad folks who live in Beverly Hills. Hell, in the rich area of LA, there were 43 crimes in the last week. 43 in a week. That would average out to 86 in 14 days. I am not a math person, but that is about 7 times more crime than we have. And don't tell me that there are one million people in the Beverly Hills area of LA. There just aren't. Hell, Beverly Hills itself only has 34,000 people or so.
So, lets put this to rest: there is no gang problem in Elk Grove. None. Not at all. Are there kids who think they are gangbangers? Sure. There are also idiots who want to stir up trouble, adults who think they are tough, douchebags who are racist and losers who make crap up. If you think there isnt a place in this great country of ours that doesnt have those people, I have a bridge to sell you. And maybe some swamp land!
Now, lets not pretend our city is perfect. Apparently, the city can't find it in the budget to buy some freaking blue light bulbs for Autism awareness month. Had I known money was so tight, I would have started by asking why we pay Bank of America $108,000 to manage our money. Maybe we could drop that by say $108,000. Seriously, why does a city pay $108,000 to a bank to manage our money? Here is an idea - the bank should pay us interest. Novel concept. But seriously, we couldn't come up with the money to put up a couple of stinking blue light bulbs? They could turn the Empire State Building blue and we couldn't put up blue lights at City Hall or Laguna Town Hall or some place like that? Dear Elk Grove, I got a couple of bucks for blue freaking lights next year. And I got a construction friend who will install them. Deal? Sincerely, Me
And then we have politicians. I won't lump them all together. But let me say this: if you come out to one of my events and shake my hand for a freaking picture, you sure as hell better remember me and when I put on the event next year, you should be the first person to sponsor it. Is that really asking for too much?
And if you want to bring professional sports to our fine city (read this: http://randomrants08.blogspot.com/2011/12/mls-in-elk-grove-i-think-not.html) then how about you support things that actually happen? You want to get professional soccer? Then support a soccer event - especially one that gets tweeted about my, say, professional soccer teams! I mean, I am not a genius on product development, marketing, etc... but I did grow up as the son of a guy who did that crap for a living. I learned a thing or two. You don't jump from nothing to the big time unless you show you can support the little things. It just doesn't happen in this day and age. So if you want to bring in something like MLS, then start by supporting a little soccer game that raises money and gets attention.
(Sure, its my game and its a bit self serving, but its not nearly as bad as what these folks do. I want to raise money for a good cause which will then show the powers that be that we support soccer. That in turn makes it easier to get them to support you. Its not rocket science folks.)
So there you have it. We are not utopia. But we are not some crime riddled city where people should flee to the safety of their bunkers. We are a nice town with some issues and politicians who can pay lawyers to fight over things, but not put up a couple of damn blue light bulbs.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
PETA, Orcas and courts, Oh My!
Okay, so this is a bit late for me to get to this, but I had to. I was going to go all depressing again, but I thought funny was better.
So, PETA filed suit in Federal court in San Diego. Was there some big problem with the food supply? NOPE! Was some racehorse being tortured? NOPE! There had to be some problem with the fisheries? NOPE - again! What was the problem, you ask? Orcas.
So, PETA, a group of HUMANS (or so they claim they are humans) filed suit on behalf of orcas, killer whales, if you will. The claim was that the orcas were being bothered by sonar from the US Navy. In the ocean. The open ocean. Where orcas live.
This is an actual transcript of how the initial meeting went:
PETA (P): How are you orcas doing?
ORCA (O): click click clack click
P: Oh really? That is not good. We have to put a stop to that.
O: click click cliiiick click.
P: How dare they? We need to stop this. It is an outrage!
O: cliiick claack click click claack click
P: No, we must put an end to this. Its just wrong.
O: cliiick, cliick, click, click, cliiiick.
(The Orca then swam away.)
Here is the Orca's version:
P: blah blah blah blah blah
O: What the hell are these idiots doing? I am a killer whale. As in, I KILL! Don't they know I can eat them.
P: blah blah blah blah blah
O: Maybe, I should just eat them. They probably taste pretty good.
P: blah blah blah
O: They smell funny. Its protein deficiency. These fools don't eat meat? They can't taste very good.
P: blah blah blah
O: What the hell? I have better things to do with my time, like swim. These folks are losers.
I talked to the orcas. Really, I did. I talk to orcas. I know orca. Its one of my many unknown talents. The orcas wished to release the following statement:
Dear PETA: You sued in court over something that happens in the open freaking ocean? You do understand that the court can't tell us or anyone else what to do in the ocean, right? You don't speak for us. In case you are unaware, we are meat eaters. You are anti-meat eaters. Why do you think WE want YOU to represent us? We would rather have Jeffrey Dahmer represent us. At least he understands the flavor of meat. (Okay, bad joke, but it was pretty funny.) Why do you think you speak for anyone other than the other crazy loons who send you money every year? By the way, you really want to help us, push some of those crazies over the side of the boat. We could use a little more human meat in our diets. In the future, if you think we want you to represent us, let us be perfectly clear: we don't want your help. If we have a problem, we have the tools to take care of it ourselves - its called our teeth."
So there you go. PETA filed suit for a group of whales who clearly didn't want the help. I am glad I could bring you this public service announcement. Please take any money you have earmarked for PETA and send it to me. I will make sure that the orcas get it. (They won't eat me. They tasted me once - I am a bit too obnoxious tasting even to orcas!)
So, PETA filed suit in Federal court in San Diego. Was there some big problem with the food supply? NOPE! Was some racehorse being tortured? NOPE! There had to be some problem with the fisheries? NOPE - again! What was the problem, you ask? Orcas.
So, PETA, a group of HUMANS (or so they claim they are humans) filed suit on behalf of orcas, killer whales, if you will. The claim was that the orcas were being bothered by sonar from the US Navy. In the ocean. The open ocean. Where orcas live.
This is an actual transcript of how the initial meeting went:
PETA (P): How are you orcas doing?
ORCA (O): click click clack click
P: Oh really? That is not good. We have to put a stop to that.
O: click click cliiiick click.
P: How dare they? We need to stop this. It is an outrage!
O: cliiick claack click click claack click
P: No, we must put an end to this. Its just wrong.
O: cliiick, cliick, click, click, cliiiick.
(The Orca then swam away.)
Here is the Orca's version:
P: blah blah blah blah blah
O: What the hell are these idiots doing? I am a killer whale. As in, I KILL! Don't they know I can eat them.
P: blah blah blah blah blah
O: Maybe, I should just eat them. They probably taste pretty good.
P: blah blah blah
O: They smell funny. Its protein deficiency. These fools don't eat meat? They can't taste very good.
P: blah blah blah
O: What the hell? I have better things to do with my time, like swim. These folks are losers.
I talked to the orcas. Really, I did. I talk to orcas. I know orca. Its one of my many unknown talents. The orcas wished to release the following statement:
Dear PETA: You sued in court over something that happens in the open freaking ocean? You do understand that the court can't tell us or anyone else what to do in the ocean, right? You don't speak for us. In case you are unaware, we are meat eaters. You are anti-meat eaters. Why do you think WE want YOU to represent us? We would rather have Jeffrey Dahmer represent us. At least he understands the flavor of meat. (Okay, bad joke, but it was pretty funny.) Why do you think you speak for anyone other than the other crazy loons who send you money every year? By the way, you really want to help us, push some of those crazies over the side of the boat. We could use a little more human meat in our diets. In the future, if you think we want you to represent us, let us be perfectly clear: we don't want your help. If we have a problem, we have the tools to take care of it ourselves - its called our teeth."
So there you go. PETA filed suit for a group of whales who clearly didn't want the help. I am glad I could bring you this public service announcement. Please take any money you have earmarked for PETA and send it to me. I will make sure that the orcas get it. (They won't eat me. They tasted me once - I am a bit too obnoxious tasting even to orcas!)
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Where am I in life?
So here I sit. 3 days after my dad's 72nd birthday. And I think. Where am I in life? Where did I want to be? What did I think life would be like?
You know, its interesting the impact of our fathers have on our lives. Well, at least it is for a guy. I dont know about you women-folk seeing as how I am not one of you. Thankfully. (For all of us! )
I was the typical underachiever. No wait, I took underachieving to a whole new level. I made underachieving an art form. I did as little as possible to get by. Homework? HA HA. I did it if I HAD to, but even then, only the minimum. Why do homework when you can take a test, get an A, and end up with a C in the class? 2.0 was my goal so I could stay eligible for the speech team.
I was such an underachiever that my high school suggested I see a psychologist. The shrink agreed - I am an underachiever. Of course, the shrink decided it was because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life at 14. My dad walked out. (Okay, so there is more to that story, but this works for now.)
24 years later and what do I want to do with my life? I was so sure I knew what I didn't want to do with my life. No science for me. My dad had a fucking PhD in pharmaceutical chemistry. I can barely spell it, let alone explain what the hell it is. So science was out. But, my dad was the classic overachiever. Okay, so is it overachieving if you have are a genius and go on to do those things even if you grew up in a poor house and didn't have any of the advantages? I don't know. Sadly, my dad didn't talk much about his upbringing. Anyway, he went on to succeed in business too.
I clearly recall a conversation in my senior year of high school. I said I didn't want to go into business. Why? I didn't want the comparisons with my dad. There was just no way I was going to succeed to the same level. It wasn't possible. Hell, its still not possible.
So I sit and I think. Did I make the right choices? I know I could have done better in school. But if I did, would I be sitting here today, in this place, in this house, being happy? Life isn't perfect. Far from it. But its better than some.
I guess I have made my decisions. I didn't know the outcome in advance. I wouldn't want to. That takes away the fun. That takes away the adventure. Who was it who said "Its the climb?" Oh yeah, Miley Cyrus. (Don't laugh - it was the song my youngest son sang at his preschool graduation.) Its not about what's waiting on the other side.
I think that is right. Its been a hell of a climb. Some of it good. Some of it bad. Some of it fucking sucked. But its been unpredictable. Its been interesting. Its been exciting. I guess maybe this is a bad time to be down in the dumps. Maybe I need to realize this is just a bump in the road. Its like riding a mountain bike and you hit that big rock. You get back on and go up the mountain some more.
So that is where I am. Its been tough lately. Its been sad. But its been. And that, my friends, is something that no one can take away. I may not always like the ride, but I get to take it. And we have to make the best of it. I don't know where I am in life, but I don't need to know. As long as I wake up every morning and have my family with me and I keep growing as a person, that is all that matters.
You know, its interesting the impact of our fathers have on our lives. Well, at least it is for a guy. I dont know about you women-folk seeing as how I am not one of you. Thankfully. (For all of us! )
I was the typical underachiever. No wait, I took underachieving to a whole new level. I made underachieving an art form. I did as little as possible to get by. Homework? HA HA. I did it if I HAD to, but even then, only the minimum. Why do homework when you can take a test, get an A, and end up with a C in the class? 2.0 was my goal so I could stay eligible for the speech team.
I was such an underachiever that my high school suggested I see a psychologist. The shrink agreed - I am an underachiever. Of course, the shrink decided it was because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life at 14. My dad walked out. (Okay, so there is more to that story, but this works for now.)
24 years later and what do I want to do with my life? I was so sure I knew what I didn't want to do with my life. No science for me. My dad had a fucking PhD in pharmaceutical chemistry. I can barely spell it, let alone explain what the hell it is. So science was out. But, my dad was the classic overachiever. Okay, so is it overachieving if you have are a genius and go on to do those things even if you grew up in a poor house and didn't have any of the advantages? I don't know. Sadly, my dad didn't talk much about his upbringing. Anyway, he went on to succeed in business too.
I clearly recall a conversation in my senior year of high school. I said I didn't want to go into business. Why? I didn't want the comparisons with my dad. There was just no way I was going to succeed to the same level. It wasn't possible. Hell, its still not possible.
So I sit and I think. Did I make the right choices? I know I could have done better in school. But if I did, would I be sitting here today, in this place, in this house, being happy? Life isn't perfect. Far from it. But its better than some.
I guess I have made my decisions. I didn't know the outcome in advance. I wouldn't want to. That takes away the fun. That takes away the adventure. Who was it who said "Its the climb?" Oh yeah, Miley Cyrus. (Don't laugh - it was the song my youngest son sang at his preschool graduation.) Its not about what's waiting on the other side.
I think that is right. Its been a hell of a climb. Some of it good. Some of it bad. Some of it fucking sucked. But its been unpredictable. Its been interesting. Its been exciting. I guess maybe this is a bad time to be down in the dumps. Maybe I need to realize this is just a bump in the road. Its like riding a mountain bike and you hit that big rock. You get back on and go up the mountain some more.
So that is where I am. Its been tough lately. Its been sad. But its been. And that, my friends, is something that no one can take away. I may not always like the ride, but I get to take it. And we have to make the best of it. I don't know where I am in life, but I don't need to know. As long as I wake up every morning and have my family with me and I keep growing as a person, that is all that matters.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Be a man
Okay, so here is what I think. If you are going to call yourself a man, be a man. Don't be a freaking mouse.
I spent yesterday flying to Orange County, driving to a hearing, then turning around and flying back. It was a 14 hour day for all of this "motion denied." Seriously. I had to spend what would have been my dad's 72nd birthday dealing with crap. (Okay, so maybe its odd that I still count his birthdays and he passed away at 63, but its my thing and I do it.)
So this piece of crap down in southern California filed a motion. In his motion, he called me all sorts of names. I was the devil incarnate. I was so bad that I made Jackie Childs look good. I am such a horrible excuse for a person that I made Idi Amin look like a saint. (Look him up.) I am such a jackass that the United Federation of Donkeys should object to my very being.
Fine. Look, you don't like me, I get it. Lots of folks dont. I am a bit abrasive. I am confrontational. I dont put up with bullshit. You call me out, you sure as heck better be wearing Kevlar because I am going to fire back. I totally understand. And I am an aggressive advocate for my clients. I am cordial and friendly, but I do know that I don't handle things like a lot of other folks. So, yes, I tick some folks off.
But if you are going to file a motion with the court and call me every name under the sun and force a hearing, then be a man. Its your right to file a frivolous piece of crap 50+ page motion with NO CITATIONS. Its your right to make yourself look like a loser. I get it.
But show up. Dont send some associate. You have the balls to call me names in a pleading? You sure as hell better have the balls to do it to my face. Otherwise, not only are you a loser, but you are a spineless coward who can't be a man. Are you a man or are you a mouse? Apparently, you are even lower than a mouse. At least a mouse wouldn't call me names and then hide - it would just hide.
I may be a lot of things, but when I have a problem with you, I call you out. Someone took what I thought was a cheap shot at me on an email list. I fired right back. I ruffled some feathers, but I called it like I saw it. He didnt like it. Not my problem. I have sent tweets to Geraldo "Idiot" Rivera and Michael "I like to be called Doctor because I think that makes me sound more important than I really am" Savage calling them out. I have written about radio DJs who talk like they have a mouth full of marbles (yes, you Carmichael Dave) and I have sent text messages to other hosts who can't put together a sentence in proper English. And I would say it to their faces.
If you are going to be a dickweed, at least don't make it worse by being a pussy. Man up and say it to my face. Not only are you a loser now, but you are a spineless, coward, loser. You are the lowest of the low. I have no respect for you. You can now go, I think the expression is, suck it, you scumbag.
I spent yesterday flying to Orange County, driving to a hearing, then turning around and flying back. It was a 14 hour day for all of this "motion denied." Seriously. I had to spend what would have been my dad's 72nd birthday dealing with crap. (Okay, so maybe its odd that I still count his birthdays and he passed away at 63, but its my thing and I do it.)
So this piece of crap down in southern California filed a motion. In his motion, he called me all sorts of names. I was the devil incarnate. I was so bad that I made Jackie Childs look good. I am such a horrible excuse for a person that I made Idi Amin look like a saint. (Look him up.) I am such a jackass that the United Federation of Donkeys should object to my very being.
Fine. Look, you don't like me, I get it. Lots of folks dont. I am a bit abrasive. I am confrontational. I dont put up with bullshit. You call me out, you sure as heck better be wearing Kevlar because I am going to fire back. I totally understand. And I am an aggressive advocate for my clients. I am cordial and friendly, but I do know that I don't handle things like a lot of other folks. So, yes, I tick some folks off.
But if you are going to file a motion with the court and call me every name under the sun and force a hearing, then be a man. Its your right to file a frivolous piece of crap 50+ page motion with NO CITATIONS. Its your right to make yourself look like a loser. I get it.
But show up. Dont send some associate. You have the balls to call me names in a pleading? You sure as hell better have the balls to do it to my face. Otherwise, not only are you a loser, but you are a spineless coward who can't be a man. Are you a man or are you a mouse? Apparently, you are even lower than a mouse. At least a mouse wouldn't call me names and then hide - it would just hide.
I may be a lot of things, but when I have a problem with you, I call you out. Someone took what I thought was a cheap shot at me on an email list. I fired right back. I ruffled some feathers, but I called it like I saw it. He didnt like it. Not my problem. I have sent tweets to Geraldo "Idiot" Rivera and Michael "I like to be called Doctor because I think that makes me sound more important than I really am" Savage calling them out. I have written about radio DJs who talk like they have a mouth full of marbles (yes, you Carmichael Dave) and I have sent text messages to other hosts who can't put together a sentence in proper English. And I would say it to their faces.
If you are going to be a dickweed, at least don't make it worse by being a pussy. Man up and say it to my face. Not only are you a loser now, but you are a spineless, coward, loser. You are the lowest of the low. I have no respect for you. You can now go, I think the expression is, suck it, you scumbag.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
