Three stories about the legal profession

So, I thought I would share three stories about the legal profession. I think these stories illustrate why people hate lawyers and why being a lawyer isn't all that you think it is. In fact, sometimes it just flat out sucks! How should I do this? Worst to best? Order of how they occurred? Just however it comes out? I vote for the last one. That's how I blog - whatever happens to be said. If you haven't figured that out by now, you are a new reader.

DB #1 - The piss ant paralegal. There are two kinds of paralegals in this world - the good ones and the bad ones. Its really quite simple. I know a couple of good ones. Some are really good. But the bad ones - really bad. And one characteristic of a bad paralegal - they want to be an attorney. They act like an attorney, they talk like an attorney, they think their s*** don't stink like some attorneys. Well, actually, they try to act like an attorney, they try to talk like an attorney and they do think their s*** don't stink like an attorney. You all know this type of person. There is one in every profession.

So little piss any paralegal, Eric or Bill or something like that, no wait, its Eric, calls me up. He wants to talk about a case where his firm did something that is unethical. I explain to him why it was unethical and go through the facts. Now look, I get that sometime there is a disagreement about facts. My client thinks he has a green light and the other party thinks he has a green light. Obviously, both don't have a green light at the same time. But, that is up for discussion. The three letters that Erica sent me (yes, I just called him a woman, problem with that?) that he signed are not up for discussion. His signature is on it. After I lay this out for him, and its all in writing, he says to me, and this is a direct quote, "I am not going to admit to anything." Dude, this isn't admitting to anything. I have your f-ing signature on it. I am not asking you to admit it - I am stating it as a fact. This is not a trial. You are not on the witness stand. However, your statements make me realize that: a) you are a liar, b) you are a sack of flaming poo that someone stepped on after answering their doorbell and c) you should be waterboarded. But, hey, dude, keep it up. I am sure you get far in life by being a no good lying SOB who probably got forced to wash the football team's jock straps after games.

DB #2 - The one eyed lawyer. Okay, so dude may have two eyes, but only one works. And that is even up for debate. I understand neither one works. No, he doesn't have a lazy eye. He has no eye. None. Its like wood or metal or whatever they make fake eyes out of. And those of you who know me really well, no it takes a lot for me to make eye jokes about a guy. I would think if you had one eye, you would be a bit less of a turd. But, no, it turns out one eyed guys are big turds too. Maybe even bigger.

This guy apparently didn't like my contacting him by email. Of course, he never returned my 6 calls or responded to my two faxes. His "call center" said he was never in. I smell a tangent coming. If you run a small business, and by small I mean you are the only employee, you should not have a "call center." If you are going to use an answering service, how about if they just answer the phones "Law Office of Ritr Pesner" and then they tell people you are not in. Easy enough? Anyway, dude sends me a disparaging email and then says he will not communicate with me anymore. Really? What are we, like 5th graders? "I am not talking to you anymore." The difference is that in 5th grade, I would go tell the teacher. Now I will just sue your deadbeat clients. So, it will end up costing them money because you are a moronic idiot. This is a good reason people hate attorneys: some of us are sophomoric pantywastes.

DB #3 - If you are a friend on Facebook or if you have been lucky enough, and I mean that sarcastically, to have me call you in the last 48 hours, you have heard this story. This lady is so ugly that she makes Medusa look like the prom queen. No wait, she is so ugly she makes Susan Boyle looks like Cameron Diaz from a few years ago. You know, when Cameron Diaz was hot. Really hot. So, ugly attorney lady apparently has no social skills. Someone told me that you can't be a b*tch if you are ugly. Apparently, this lady didn't get the message.

So, Thursday my son had to be rushed to the ER. He ended up having an emergency appendectomy. He is still recovering. But, I had a client call me and tell me she needed an answer filed in a case on Thursday. I couldn't do it as I was at the ER. So, I call the attorney and ask for an extension. She tells me no. I explain that I am at the hospital and my son is about to have surgery. And she still tells me no. WTF? My kid is in the hospital and you won't give me an extension of a few days. Not can't, but won't. You are choosing not to. Fine. Do you know what that makes you? That makes you a bleeper bleeper piece of bleep who should be taken out back and smacked until your bleeping attitude changes you worthless bleeper. Or, it makes you the most vile human being I know and a person who thinks that by having a law degree, you need to enforce the law regardless of the circumstances. You are a sad, pathetic excuse for an attorney, no wait, a sad, pathetic excuse for a person. You should have your insides ripped out while you are awake. You should never be able to reproduce. You should have to watch as your most prized possession is cut up and glued back together, you worthless b*tch.

Wheh. I feel better. Oh, and DB stands for douchebag. But you knew that. Now I am going to spend more time with my son and stop dealing with people who have absolutely no clue about how to be a human being, much less a legal professional.