No, not me. I am low maintenance. I am so low maintenance its like non-existent. Really. Just ask my wife. Right honey? (It's okay - she doesn't read this so you can trust me when I say that.)
Seriously, not only are lawyers high maintenance, but they aren't even good about being high maintenance. I mean, if Diane Lane wants to get all high maintenance on me, that would be fine. I would just break out Unfaithful and watch it with her and all would be good in the world. I am sure some woman would think Captain Jack Sparrow could get all high maintenance on her and she would be fine with it. But the folks who are all high maintenance in the legal world cannot back it up. At least in this reporter's humble view. (See Guy, Family)
Let me start with a favorite of mine. Jay Foonberg. Jay Foonberg is considered some Godlike person among people in the ABA. Apparently he knows something about opening and running a law firm. Well, they think he does. The ABA recently had a seminar called "How to Hang Your Shingle and Start Your Firm" with Foonberg as the speaker. Now, let me see how many problems I have with this.
First, Foonberg is on Twitter. And if by on, I mean he has 1 follower. I don't know about the rest of you, but if I am going to sit through some presentation about running a law firm, I would like to know about the latest technology - preferably from someone who uses it. Hey, I don't know if Twitter is the next big thing, especially for lawyers, but shouldn't dude at least be able to tell me he uses it? Of course, this is probably expecting too much from a guy who doesn't blog. But, he is affiliated with Solo Practice University- which may be the biggest waste of money for sole practitioners. Solo Practice is just repackaging other people's ideas - ideas that are mostly free. It is like paying for an aggregator. Why? Please tell me why.
Second, Foonberg doesn't use proper English on his website. Now, those of you who are regular readers of my blog will recall some posts where I did not use proper English. I think I broke out with "You can blame it on the rain cause the rain don't mind and the rain don't care." We all know that this should be "You can blame it on the rain because the rain doesn't mind and the rain doesn't care." But, I am not writing this to get clients or to have people pay $180 for a book. Especially a book where you are already supposed to know 85% of the material. I am paying you $180 for 15% of the material. That means the book should cost over $1,000. Yes, Foonberg, for $1,000 I would rather go to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch than read your lack of command of the English language. How about you don't put your own writing in quotes on your own freaking website.
But, Foonberg isn't the only one. How about Scott Greenfield? He writes some blog Simple Justice. I don't know what simple justice is. If I did, I think I would cry. There is nothing simple about justice. But, that's just me. Greenfield has a blog post today about blogging. Yes, he blogged about blogging when he claims to be a lawyer who represents people and not a marketing guy. In fact, he called a marketing guy a whore. Of course, Greenfield is marketing without calling it marketing. Its like putting your money in the mattress and then not calling it saving. You are still saving it - just not in a bank. If Greenfield doesn't think he is marketing with his blog, he is more of a diva than I thought. In his blog, he doesn't capitalize Twitter, he puts periods outside of the quotation marks, he screws up figures of speech (it is not "on both accounts" but rather "on bouth counts" and it is "As I said" not "Like I said."), and he uses sentence fragments. That must be why he and Foonberg get along so well.
Greenfield, however, and his buddies Mark Bennett and Brian Tannenbaum, make VH1's Diva's show look like the small time. These three were invited to speak at a seminar with me. Now, I don't know that I would go to listen to me speak. But, I might. After all, I know what I am going to say and I am not afraid to say it. (Of course, the problem could be the sponsor of the seminar may wuss out now that I have called these guys out or the sponsor could man up and let me do what I proposed. I am hoping for the latter since we are brothers without hair.) Anyway, these three wouldn't go to the seminar unless someone pays for their travel. Really? Who the hell pays anyone to travel to a seminar these days? I haven't seen that happen in years and I invited speakers for the State Bar of California for years. But, apparently, when you market your law practice without admitting it is marketing, you think you need to be treated differently. Its a bit like when someone comes out to Sunday Soccer and they don't want us to shoot at them. If you don't want to get hit with the ball, get off the field.
I don't know about this. I don't understand why so many lawyers are such divas. Look, we put our pants on one leg at a time just like the maid and the cook and the septic tank cleaner and the freaky parents of that kid Falcon. (By the way, you aren't bright enough to pull off a hoax like that, Eagle and Sparrow, or whatever the hell your names are. Did you really think you wouldn't get caught? Of course, you wonder why ABC hasn't been running 24 hours of these folks on Wife Swap. You know ABC would do anything to make a buck.) Anyway, there are way too many lawyers who think they are way too good. You are a person. Your mom and dad had a sperm and an egg meet just like everyone else. You spent 40 weeks or so in the womb. The difference? You kept going to school.
So memo to those called out in this blog post: stop with the nonsense. Foonberg, I have $5 for your book. That is about all it is worth. When you can figure out how to run a modern law practice and not an Abraham Lincoln law practice, call me. The other three - stop thinking you are so advanced because you don't market your law practice. You do. And stop being a diva. Go to the conference and feel free to rip into me. I know I will do my homework and be prepared to explain the flaws in people who refuse to hire experts to help market their law firms.
Oh, and the offer I made to Barrett and Fairley applies to you guys (and you really old men) too: more than happy to debate you publicly on this!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Legal Marketers
I interrupt this work day to bring you a rant.......a rant about people who want to get me more work. Or, so they claim. I think they really just want to get more money in their pockets. Why do I think that? Because its true.
Like any profession, there is good and bad. Good cops and bad cops. Good lawyers and bad lawyers. Good drug......no wait, only bad drug dealers. But you get the idea, right? There is good and bad in everything. Let me go through the bad first.
There are two people who give lawyer marketing a bad reputation. Really bad. How bad are they? I would rather be called an ambulance chaser than be associated with these two. I would rather be called a snake oil salesman than be associated with these two. I would rather...........well, you get the idea. After all, my blog readers, all 4 of you, are smart!
Stephen Fairley and David Barrett should be renamed Double Trouble. Wasn't that a video game in the 80s? No that was Double Dragon. Good game. I could never beat it. But they had some wicked (for my northeastern readers) karate moves. Anyway, I got an email from Fairley last week. Trust me when I tell you that my third grader understands better use of punctuation and capitalization. Shall I show you? Do you actually dare me? Do you think I would make up something like that without proof? Do I look like I use hyperbole? Okay, fine, here goes:
"I'm Sick And Tired Of The Government Offering Stimulus Packages To Everyone Except Those Who Need It The Most"
Seriously? That is what you have for me? I am supposed to pay you almost $1,000 for your "retreat" and you write with the first letter of each word capitalized. Seriously? Dude, my 3rd grader knows you don't do that. Heck, my cute little kindergartener knows that you do not do that. I think I met a 4 year old who knows not to do that.
Now this is bad. But, wait there is more. Or, as he puts it, there is a B*O*N*U*S. Seriously, are we in third grade or something? What the heck is up with the little "*" between every letter? Does that make it stand out more? Or does it make your idiocy stand out more? I mean, I feel dirty after reading that. It is like I received a note from a 7th grade girl. I need to go shower.
Anyway, dude fake twitters you. Ever notice that you are being followed on twitter by some nice looking woman? And then ever go read her posts? They all read about the same way: "RAINMAKER is the best" and "It is so big at the RAINMAKER." First, why do you need to fake twitter people? I know, I am going to start calling that "pulling a dumbarse" instead of calling it "pulling a Fairley" since I don't want to give dude that much respect. Second, compensating much? I know I just need one twitter account to keep people updated. I don't need like 10. To me, having 10 twitter accounts is like driving an H3 - you must be lacking in some department.
Now, you can't take Fairley by himself. That would be so unFairley like. Fairley has a partner in crime. A boy wonder if you will. A Robin. His name is David Barrett. And he is "THE WORLD'S MOST LINKEDIN LAWYER.........." (Okay, for that to be funny, go back and read it as if you were the guy who does the intro for the Superheros cartoons.) Yes, dude is the world's most linkedin lawyer.
I am pretty sure most of my non-lawyer readers, both of you, will not even know what Linked In is. Heck, most lawyers don't know what it is. And of those of us who do, 8 out of 10 don't care. The other 2 care because they made some money off of Linked In and think they can do it again. I guess I should have reduced my fraction to 4 out of 5, but then I feel like a toothpaste commercial. And what does this Linked In lawyer do? Good question. If you find out, will you let me know?
I know. He sends Spam Links. (Spam on Linked In, get it?) I get more crap on Linked In from this one guy then I do from everyone else combined. And I am not even "linked" with him. I dumped him after he offended me. Again. No, instead he joins every lawyer group known to Linked In and spams the groups. Do you know how obnoxious spam is? Take that and multiply it by 10 because it is from a lawyer. Then multiply it by another 100 because it is from some guy who, best as I can tell, makes his living being linked to other people. That would be like some guy being famous because his wife had 8 kids and they couldn't raise them. Oh wait, that does happen. Sorry.
I guess because you can link to a lot of people you know something about marketing. That would be like me claiming I know something about sewing because I watch a lot of sewing. Really, I do. My wife and her friend sew and I watch. I guess I can now teach people how to sew because I saw it a lot. Just because you can connect to people through some website does not mean you can teach me how to market a law firm!
Seriously, if this is the future of legal marketing we are in trouble, folks. The legal profession is going to go the way of newspapers. We are doomed. If it takes spam and fake twitter accounts and being linked to people through some made up website to market to lawyers and you are going to teach those lawyers how to market, you need to get a clue. That is not marketing. That is called "get rich quick." Although, I would guess that they haven't gotten rich since I keep getting their crap.
Good, ethical lawyer marketing can be done. Want proof? Go see Mark Merenda at Smart Marketing or Allison Sheilds at LegalEase Consulting, Ben Glass at Great Legal Marketing, Jay Fleischmann at LegalPracticePro or Grant Griffiths at G2Webmedia. It can be done. I promise. But stop with the spam. Stop with the grandiose titles. Stop with the fake offers. Stop with all of that nonsense.
By the way, I know this will get back to these two, as well as to some of these other fake marketers. Those who know me well know I don't just sit and hide behind my computer. You think I am wrong? I will debate anyone, anytime, anywhere about ethical, honest lawyer marketing. As Kirsten Dunst would say "Bring it on."
Like any profession, there is good and bad. Good cops and bad cops. Good lawyers and bad lawyers. Good drug......no wait, only bad drug dealers. But you get the idea, right? There is good and bad in everything. Let me go through the bad first.
There are two people who give lawyer marketing a bad reputation. Really bad. How bad are they? I would rather be called an ambulance chaser than be associated with these two. I would rather be called a snake oil salesman than be associated with these two. I would rather...........well, you get the idea. After all, my blog readers, all 4 of you, are smart!
Stephen Fairley and David Barrett should be renamed Double Trouble. Wasn't that a video game in the 80s? No that was Double Dragon. Good game. I could never beat it. But they had some wicked (for my northeastern readers) karate moves. Anyway, I got an email from Fairley last week. Trust me when I tell you that my third grader understands better use of punctuation and capitalization. Shall I show you? Do you actually dare me? Do you think I would make up something like that without proof? Do I look like I use hyperbole? Okay, fine, here goes:
"I'm Sick And Tired Of The Government Offering Stimulus Packages To Everyone Except Those Who Need It The Most"
Seriously? That is what you have for me? I am supposed to pay you almost $1,000 for your "retreat" and you write with the first letter of each word capitalized. Seriously? Dude, my 3rd grader knows you don't do that. Heck, my cute little kindergartener knows that you do not do that. I think I met a 4 year old who knows not to do that.
Now this is bad. But, wait there is more. Or, as he puts it, there is a B*O*N*U*S. Seriously, are we in third grade or something? What the heck is up with the little "*" between every letter? Does that make it stand out more? Or does it make your idiocy stand out more? I mean, I feel dirty after reading that. It is like I received a note from a 7th grade girl. I need to go shower.
Anyway, dude fake twitters you. Ever notice that you are being followed on twitter by some nice looking woman? And then ever go read her posts? They all read about the same way: "RAINMAKER is the best" and "It is so big at the RAINMAKER." First, why do you need to fake twitter people? I know, I am going to start calling that "pulling a dumbarse" instead of calling it "pulling a Fairley" since I don't want to give dude that much respect. Second, compensating much? I know I just need one twitter account to keep people updated. I don't need like 10. To me, having 10 twitter accounts is like driving an H3 - you must be lacking in some department.
Now, you can't take Fairley by himself. That would be so unFairley like. Fairley has a partner in crime. A boy wonder if you will. A Robin. His name is David Barrett. And he is "THE WORLD'S MOST LINKEDIN LAWYER.........." (Okay, for that to be funny, go back and read it as if you were the guy who does the intro for the Superheros cartoons.) Yes, dude is the world's most linkedin lawyer.
I am pretty sure most of my non-lawyer readers, both of you, will not even know what Linked In is. Heck, most lawyers don't know what it is. And of those of us who do, 8 out of 10 don't care. The other 2 care because they made some money off of Linked In and think they can do it again. I guess I should have reduced my fraction to 4 out of 5, but then I feel like a toothpaste commercial. And what does this Linked In lawyer do? Good question. If you find out, will you let me know?
I know. He sends Spam Links. (Spam on Linked In, get it?) I get more crap on Linked In from this one guy then I do from everyone else combined. And I am not even "linked" with him. I dumped him after he offended me. Again. No, instead he joins every lawyer group known to Linked In and spams the groups. Do you know how obnoxious spam is? Take that and multiply it by 10 because it is from a lawyer. Then multiply it by another 100 because it is from some guy who, best as I can tell, makes his living being linked to other people. That would be like some guy being famous because his wife had 8 kids and they couldn't raise them. Oh wait, that does happen. Sorry.
I guess because you can link to a lot of people you know something about marketing. That would be like me claiming I know something about sewing because I watch a lot of sewing. Really, I do. My wife and her friend sew and I watch. I guess I can now teach people how to sew because I saw it a lot. Just because you can connect to people through some website does not mean you can teach me how to market a law firm!
Seriously, if this is the future of legal marketing we are in trouble, folks. The legal profession is going to go the way of newspapers. We are doomed. If it takes spam and fake twitter accounts and being linked to people through some made up website to market to lawyers and you are going to teach those lawyers how to market, you need to get a clue. That is not marketing. That is called "get rich quick." Although, I would guess that they haven't gotten rich since I keep getting their crap.
Good, ethical lawyer marketing can be done. Want proof? Go see Mark Merenda at Smart Marketing or Allison Sheilds at LegalEase Consulting, Ben Glass at Great Legal Marketing, Jay Fleischmann at LegalPracticePro or Grant Griffiths at G2Webmedia. It can be done. I promise. But stop with the spam. Stop with the grandiose titles. Stop with the fake offers. Stop with all of that nonsense.
By the way, I know this will get back to these two, as well as to some of these other fake marketers. Those who know me well know I don't just sit and hide behind my computer. You think I am wrong? I will debate anyone, anytime, anywhere about ethical, honest lawyer marketing. As Kirsten Dunst would say "Bring it on."
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Capitalism: A Fake Story
So Michael Moore is at it again. He has made a movie called "Capitalism: A Love Story." He claims this is the culmination of his last 20 years since he made "Roger and Me." There are so many things wrong with this movie. Where should I begin?
First, does anyone really like Michael Moore movies? Really? I mean, sure some people think that the topics are interesting like Sicko or his ridiculous 9/11 movie. I think it was called "Ridiculous, A Michael Moore Conspiracy Theory Crazier than Oliver Stone." Was that not the title? Maybe it was his Columbine movie which I believe was called "Columbine: I am making money off of other people's tragedy." Maybe it was his little known movie "Michael Moore: I live in a Mansion."
Which gets me to the point of this little rant. His latest movie is supposed to show that the free market system has caused a whole host of ills for this country. He compares capitalism to pure evil and has a priest talk about capitalism as if it is the devil. Part of this movie is about Moore's personal life and how he wanted to be an activist priest. Finally, he wants to show that capitalism is a system that is set up to make a profit on anything.
Okay, so lets start with some basics. You have a few basic economic models. Capitalism, socialism and communism. There are variations of these, but these are your three basic models. (If you don't trust me, David Lang, Professor of Economics at CSU Sacramento, will explain it to you. Trust me - nice guy and he actually continued getting degrees in economics until he had a PhD!) Communism has failed. I guess technically it still exists in places like Cuba, but if it worked that well, wouldn't people stop defecting from Cuba, especially on little rafts in a big, shark filled ocean? Socialism is around, but lets face it: it aint that good!
Socialized medicine is terrible. Proof? Here is the hearing test in Canada when you apply for residency. You stand in a room and the person administering the test stands behind you. They then say a word at about regular speaking level and you have to repeat it. Yep, that is how they check your hearing in Canada. Nice, huh? (Honest to goodness: this is a true story!!)
As for capitalism being the devil, really? Really, do we think it is that bad? Capitalism, of course, is what lets Michael Moo (dude kind of looks like a cow, doesn't he?) do what he does: make bad movies. If we were in a communist society, he wouldn't be able to make these movies. If we were in a socialist society, he wouldn't have the resources to make these movies. But, we are in a capitalist society and apparently that bothers Michael Mooron. (Yes, I know it is spelled wrong - it is a play on his last name!)
Of course, Michael Moore doesn't tell you that he owns over a quarter of a million dollars in stock. And that stock is in American companies. Um, yes those same companies that he rails about. And he is a self proclaimed multi-millionaire. Not jut a millionaire. But a multi-millionaire. Dude has millions of dollars from living in a capitalist society. But, of course, he never tells you this because that would change your perspective on him. He is not a working stiff from Flint, but rather he is getting stiff with his millions. (Oh, come on, that's funny. Imagine Michael Moore rolling around on his bed with his money. After all, its not like he is going to have a line of women waiting for him!)
Hey, you want to criticize the country, go for it. But at least do it from a position of honesty. Michael Mofo is just not honest with people. He ignores the fact that he has made millions and millions of dollars from his crappy movies. He ignores the fact that he is invested in the same companies he claims to hate. He makes these movies because people watch them. Of course, what people, I don't know. Yes, actually I do. My liberal friends. My very liberal friends. And there are enough of those people in this country to make Michelle Moore (come on, dude is at least a D cup) a very rich person.
Here is to Miguel Moro (he seems to like communism so much that maybe he is from Cuba) being honest in his next high school produced beta movie.
First, does anyone really like Michael Moore movies? Really? I mean, sure some people think that the topics are interesting like Sicko or his ridiculous 9/11 movie. I think it was called "Ridiculous, A Michael Moore Conspiracy Theory Crazier than Oliver Stone." Was that not the title? Maybe it was his Columbine movie which I believe was called "Columbine: I am making money off of other people's tragedy." Maybe it was his little known movie "Michael Moore: I live in a Mansion."
Which gets me to the point of this little rant. His latest movie is supposed to show that the free market system has caused a whole host of ills for this country. He compares capitalism to pure evil and has a priest talk about capitalism as if it is the devil. Part of this movie is about Moore's personal life and how he wanted to be an activist priest. Finally, he wants to show that capitalism is a system that is set up to make a profit on anything.
Okay, so lets start with some basics. You have a few basic economic models. Capitalism, socialism and communism. There are variations of these, but these are your three basic models. (If you don't trust me, David Lang, Professor of Economics at CSU Sacramento, will explain it to you. Trust me - nice guy and he actually continued getting degrees in economics until he had a PhD!) Communism has failed. I guess technically it still exists in places like Cuba, but if it worked that well, wouldn't people stop defecting from Cuba, especially on little rafts in a big, shark filled ocean? Socialism is around, but lets face it: it aint that good!
Socialized medicine is terrible. Proof? Here is the hearing test in Canada when you apply for residency. You stand in a room and the person administering the test stands behind you. They then say a word at about regular speaking level and you have to repeat it. Yep, that is how they check your hearing in Canada. Nice, huh? (Honest to goodness: this is a true story!!)
As for capitalism being the devil, really? Really, do we think it is that bad? Capitalism, of course, is what lets Michael Moo (dude kind of looks like a cow, doesn't he?) do what he does: make bad movies. If we were in a communist society, he wouldn't be able to make these movies. If we were in a socialist society, he wouldn't have the resources to make these movies. But, we are in a capitalist society and apparently that bothers Michael Mooron. (Yes, I know it is spelled wrong - it is a play on his last name!)
Of course, Michael Moore doesn't tell you that he owns over a quarter of a million dollars in stock. And that stock is in American companies. Um, yes those same companies that he rails about. And he is a self proclaimed multi-millionaire. Not jut a millionaire. But a multi-millionaire. Dude has millions of dollars from living in a capitalist society. But, of course, he never tells you this because that would change your perspective on him. He is not a working stiff from Flint, but rather he is getting stiff with his millions. (Oh, come on, that's funny. Imagine Michael Moore rolling around on his bed with his money. After all, its not like he is going to have a line of women waiting for him!)
Hey, you want to criticize the country, go for it. But at least do it from a position of honesty. Michael Mofo is just not honest with people. He ignores the fact that he has made millions and millions of dollars from his crappy movies. He ignores the fact that he is invested in the same companies he claims to hate. He makes these movies because people watch them. Of course, what people, I don't know. Yes, actually I do. My liberal friends. My very liberal friends. And there are enough of those people in this country to make Michelle Moore (come on, dude is at least a D cup) a very rich person.
Here is to Miguel Moro (he seems to like communism so much that maybe he is from Cuba) being honest in his next high school produced beta movie.
Monday, September 21, 2009
The J.C. Show
Okay, I can't even use its real name. Its a radio show. But it is so bad, that I would hate for someone to go listen to it because of my blog. But...............
So I was driving to get dinner the other night. I am flipping through the AM dial looking for something other than a baseball game on the radio. Isn't baseball boring enough without having to listen to it? Anyway, I put on the station and WOW! The introduction starts with "You can pray to Jesus Christ. And now you can talk to him on the radio."
Even Johnny knows it is a sin. (Okay, Charlie Daniels Band. Devil Went Down to Georgia. Get it? Really, I need you to stay up on 70s songs if you are going to read this!) But apparently these people think it is okay to tell people to call in and talk to Jesus. For those of you reading this in California, that is not Jesus (Hay-zeus), but rather Jesus. One time, at law school, my estates professor called Hay-zeus to answer a question. Except she kept pronouncing it Jesus. As in the son of God. Repeatedly like Ben Stein calling out Bueller. It was hilarious. As in roll on the ground funny.
Anyway, the premise of the show is that you can call Jesus and ask questions. How does that work? Something like this:
Caller: "Hi Jesus. It is me Mary. Thank you for helping me in my life."
Host: "You are welcome, Mary."
Caller: "Jesus, I have jealousy in my heart. How do I get rid of jealousy?"
Host: "Mary, as you know, I have said jealousy is a sin........."
Yes, these people are calling in and pretending that the host on the radio show is Jesus. And he never gives his name. He answers as if he is Jesus. His telephone number is AREA CODE-HOLY-HOST. Yes, you call in to the HOLY HOST.
What the hell? Okay, pardon that expression. If I recall, isn't it a sin to worship anyone other than God? Now, I am not the most religious guy in the world, but I am pretty sure calling in to a dude who is pretending to be Jesus is not quite what God had in mind. I think he is cool with you asking questions to your priest/pastor/rabbi/shaman etc.... But some random dude on the radio? Really?
Imagine if Howard Stern had people call in and talk to Jesus? Or Rob, Arnie and whatever her name is? I am pretty sure the right wing conservatives would flip out. I think they would tell you that this is sacreligious or something. I think we would see someone right wing conservative nut job yelling and threats of a boycott. But this dude gets away with it.
And whats worse? He sells crap. You can buy t-shirts and knick knacks. They even sell cups. It aint a coffe cup. It aint a dixie cup. And you sure........no wait, it is a coffee cup. Okay, this reference is to obscure for 99% of the world. So, go watch it on Youtube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=BerJdS2VJhA
Seriously, these folks are making money off of pretending to be Jesus. And it is on regular radio. How can that be? Am I the only one offended by this? And I am not even religious. Seriously, how can anyone not be ticked off by this guy? He should at least man up and tell us his name.
I think the Jesus Christ Radio Show should really be called the Marshall Appelwhite Hour. (Go check out wikipedia and its funny. Trust me.)
So I was driving to get dinner the other night. I am flipping through the AM dial looking for something other than a baseball game on the radio. Isn't baseball boring enough without having to listen to it? Anyway, I put on the station and WOW! The introduction starts with "You can pray to Jesus Christ. And now you can talk to him on the radio."
Even Johnny knows it is a sin. (Okay, Charlie Daniels Band. Devil Went Down to Georgia. Get it? Really, I need you to stay up on 70s songs if you are going to read this!) But apparently these people think it is okay to tell people to call in and talk to Jesus. For those of you reading this in California, that is not Jesus (Hay-zeus), but rather Jesus. One time, at law school, my estates professor called Hay-zeus to answer a question. Except she kept pronouncing it Jesus. As in the son of God. Repeatedly like Ben Stein calling out Bueller. It was hilarious. As in roll on the ground funny.
Anyway, the premise of the show is that you can call Jesus and ask questions. How does that work? Something like this:
Caller: "Hi Jesus. It is me Mary. Thank you for helping me in my life."
Host: "You are welcome, Mary."
Caller: "Jesus, I have jealousy in my heart. How do I get rid of jealousy?"
Host: "Mary, as you know, I have said jealousy is a sin........."
Yes, these people are calling in and pretending that the host on the radio show is Jesus. And he never gives his name. He answers as if he is Jesus. His telephone number is AREA CODE-HOLY-HOST. Yes, you call in to the HOLY HOST.
What the hell? Okay, pardon that expression. If I recall, isn't it a sin to worship anyone other than God? Now, I am not the most religious guy in the world, but I am pretty sure calling in to a dude who is pretending to be Jesus is not quite what God had in mind. I think he is cool with you asking questions to your priest/pastor/rabbi/shaman etc.... But some random dude on the radio? Really?
Imagine if Howard Stern had people call in and talk to Jesus? Or Rob, Arnie and whatever her name is? I am pretty sure the right wing conservatives would flip out. I think they would tell you that this is sacreligious or something. I think we would see someone right wing conservative nut job yelling and threats of a boycott. But this dude gets away with it.
And whats worse? He sells crap. You can buy t-shirts and knick knacks. They even sell cups. It aint a coffe cup. It aint a dixie cup. And you sure........no wait, it is a coffee cup. Okay, this reference is to obscure for 99% of the world. So, go watch it on Youtube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=BerJdS2VJhA
Seriously, these folks are making money off of pretending to be Jesus. And it is on regular radio. How can that be? Am I the only one offended by this? And I am not even religious. Seriously, how can anyone not be ticked off by this guy? He should at least man up and tell us his name.
I think the Jesus Christ Radio Show should really be called the Marshall Appelwhite Hour. (Go check out wikipedia and its funny. Trust me.)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Three People Who Suck - A LOT!
Its been a long week. No, a long two weeks. No, a long three weeks. Basically, its been a long few weeks and I am grumpy. People are morons. Not all people. Not even most people. Just some people. Its just that some people suck a lot more than others. I have come across three people in the last 48 hours who suck. A ton. A lot of tons. These three suck more than adding up the weight of all of the Duggars. These three suck more than all of the moms from Toddlers and Tiaras. These three suck more than Kanye West - and that is a lot. By the way, why does anyone invite that guy anywhere? He has no social skills. None. He should go some place special - some place where Tom Hanks got lost in Cast Away. So, without further rants, here are my top 3 sucky people of the week (or month or year), in no particular order:
1. Another attorney. I won't name this young associate at a big law firm. The Lawyers Big Brain Sucks. (I just gave you a hint. Its funny. Go read it again. Trust me.) Anyway, he thinks he is so smart. I think he thinks his stuff don't stink. It does. Badly! Dude served me with discovery. I have answers due on Friday. I faxed him a letter at 9pm last night explaining that I have been out most of the last 4 weeks or so and I needed a three week extension. This bright guy writes back to me and says he will give me a one week extension. He also tells me how my inability to respond shows that my case is not very good.
Huh? My case is fine. I just haven't been able to do the work. I know some people think I have 28 hours in a day. But, alas, I only have 24 hours in a day. (And see #2 - I don't have 48 hours in a day either!) And when you subtract hospital time and family time, it left me like -3 hours a day. Hey, smart guy: some of us take care of our other responsibilities first because we expect professional courtesy. If that is too much for you, go sail a boat around the world by yourself. Do something solitary like that. The rest of the world will run better without you!
2. The State Bar. I know - a favorite topic of mine. There is an article in the current Bar Journal (by the way, calling it a journal is a bit like calling my blog actual writing) about the new State Bar President. There is so much to criticize. But let me keep it simple. He says he is going to split his time as follows: 75% as State Bar President, 75% practicing law and 50% on his family. WOW!
First, let me make this perfectly clear: You can only have 100% of your time. There are not 48 hours in a day, Mr. President. There are only 24. Is it really that hard? Do we wonder why high school kids cannot do basic math when a lawyer thinks he has 200% of his time? Sheesh. Here is an idea: if I can find 10 high school kids who recognize the mistake, el presidente, then you should make a donation to their high school. Deal?
Second, it is not funny. It is not laugh out loud funny. It is not chuckle worthy. It is not even ha ha funny. In fact, I have seen whoopie cushions that are funnier than this.
Third, it does not mean you are a hard worker. It means you have absolutely no common sense. If your family is last, your priorities are screwed up. Go read Tuesdays with Morrie. Go see Dr. Phil. Go talk to someone who has lost someone. I know you are older than dirt, but please, get into the current decade. Or any time in the last 2 decades. People do not respect you because you claim to work 3 times as much as you spend with your family. People just realize that you have no freaking sense. Octomom has more common sense than you. Guliani and Bill have more common sense than you and they can barely complete full sentences. Seriously, anyone on Project Runway would be able to recognize that you have absolutely no sense in the 21st Century.
3. School Board members. Okay, so there is a school board member in my town. Short version of the story: She went out on disability. She started taking a prescription for pain even though it was not for pain. She gambled and ran up huge debts. She blamed it on the prescription. She filed for bankruptcy. She then borrowed money from a friend and told the friend she would pay her back after she settled her case against the drug company. She then amended her bankruptcy to include the friend. After her bankruptcy was discharged, she settled her case against the drug company for about $300,000 - or so the story goes. She tells people it was a lot of money.
So many things wrong with this. First, she had compulsive gambling but was not compulsive when she was on the school board? Really? Come now. Do we look that dumb? We don't, but the rest of the school board believes her. Yes, these folks believe that she was not compulsive at all in her school board dealings but was compulsive in her personal life. Sheesh. Our school board members are dumber than rocks.
Second, she was taking this for an off label use. Who's problem is that? Not ours.
Third, she screwed her friend. And she has no problem with that. Sure, it may be legal. But it isn't ethical. So, now we have a school board member who is unethical. Nice. That is what we want to teach our kids. How about we have her and the State Bar President get together and teach a class. Math for unethical imbeciles. Of course, most of the students would be able to figure it out better than the teachers.
Oh, and by the way lady, you did not have a compulsion to sex. No one would have sex with you. The folks at the Society for the Blind turned you down. Sexaholics Anonymous members wouldn't even touch you. The Aint's fans of the 80s would give you all of their paper bags and Bill Clinton still wouldn't touch you. Let's be real.
So, there you have it. Three people who suck - a lot. September 16, 2009 edition.
1. Another attorney. I won't name this young associate at a big law firm. The Lawyers Big Brain Sucks. (I just gave you a hint. Its funny. Go read it again. Trust me.) Anyway, he thinks he is so smart. I think he thinks his stuff don't stink. It does. Badly! Dude served me with discovery. I have answers due on Friday. I faxed him a letter at 9pm last night explaining that I have been out most of the last 4 weeks or so and I needed a three week extension. This bright guy writes back to me and says he will give me a one week extension. He also tells me how my inability to respond shows that my case is not very good.
Huh? My case is fine. I just haven't been able to do the work. I know some people think I have 28 hours in a day. But, alas, I only have 24 hours in a day. (And see #2 - I don't have 48 hours in a day either!) And when you subtract hospital time and family time, it left me like -3 hours a day. Hey, smart guy: some of us take care of our other responsibilities first because we expect professional courtesy. If that is too much for you, go sail a boat around the world by yourself. Do something solitary like that. The rest of the world will run better without you!
2. The State Bar. I know - a favorite topic of mine. There is an article in the current Bar Journal (by the way, calling it a journal is a bit like calling my blog actual writing) about the new State Bar President. There is so much to criticize. But let me keep it simple. He says he is going to split his time as follows: 75% as State Bar President, 75% practicing law and 50% on his family. WOW!
First, let me make this perfectly clear: You can only have 100% of your time. There are not 48 hours in a day, Mr. President. There are only 24. Is it really that hard? Do we wonder why high school kids cannot do basic math when a lawyer thinks he has 200% of his time? Sheesh. Here is an idea: if I can find 10 high school kids who recognize the mistake, el presidente, then you should make a donation to their high school. Deal?
Second, it is not funny. It is not laugh out loud funny. It is not chuckle worthy. It is not even ha ha funny. In fact, I have seen whoopie cushions that are funnier than this.
Third, it does not mean you are a hard worker. It means you have absolutely no common sense. If your family is last, your priorities are screwed up. Go read Tuesdays with Morrie. Go see Dr. Phil. Go talk to someone who has lost someone. I know you are older than dirt, but please, get into the current decade. Or any time in the last 2 decades. People do not respect you because you claim to work 3 times as much as you spend with your family. People just realize that you have no freaking sense. Octomom has more common sense than you. Guliani and Bill have more common sense than you and they can barely complete full sentences. Seriously, anyone on Project Runway would be able to recognize that you have absolutely no sense in the 21st Century.
3. School Board members. Okay, so there is a school board member in my town. Short version of the story: She went out on disability. She started taking a prescription for pain even though it was not for pain. She gambled and ran up huge debts. She blamed it on the prescription. She filed for bankruptcy. She then borrowed money from a friend and told the friend she would pay her back after she settled her case against the drug company. She then amended her bankruptcy to include the friend. After her bankruptcy was discharged, she settled her case against the drug company for about $300,000 - or so the story goes. She tells people it was a lot of money.
So many things wrong with this. First, she had compulsive gambling but was not compulsive when she was on the school board? Really? Come now. Do we look that dumb? We don't, but the rest of the school board believes her. Yes, these folks believe that she was not compulsive at all in her school board dealings but was compulsive in her personal life. Sheesh. Our school board members are dumber than rocks.
Second, she was taking this for an off label use. Who's problem is that? Not ours.
Third, she screwed her friend. And she has no problem with that. Sure, it may be legal. But it isn't ethical. So, now we have a school board member who is unethical. Nice. That is what we want to teach our kids. How about we have her and the State Bar President get together and teach a class. Math for unethical imbeciles. Of course, most of the students would be able to figure it out better than the teachers.
Oh, and by the way lady, you did not have a compulsion to sex. No one would have sex with you. The folks at the Society for the Blind turned you down. Sexaholics Anonymous members wouldn't even touch you. The Aint's fans of the 80s would give you all of their paper bags and Bill Clinton still wouldn't touch you. Let's be real.
So, there you have it. Three people who suck - a lot. September 16, 2009 edition.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Freaking Homeowners Association
I am sure there is some advantage to living in a house that is part of a homeowners association. After all, the houses don't get painted sky blue or baby blue. There is no dark green trim or baby puke green trim. You don't have people with 6 feet of weeds in their yard. You don't have.........well, I am sure there are other benefits. There are other benefits, right? Please tell me there are other benefits. Something? Anything?
You see, I have the homeowners association from h-e-double hockey sticks. These folks are so inept that they make George W. Bush look like he has a firm grasp of world leaders. These folks are so bad at their jobs that they make Kate Gosselin look like a marriage counselor. These people are so incompetent that they make the ABA look like they have some clue on scheduling meetings in the USA!
Today in my mail, I got a $50 fine for having weeds in my lawn. Not excessive weeds. Not big weeds. Just weeds. Let me run down the top 5 list of places that have weeds in grass:
1. All of Humboldt County has weed (different kind, sure, but still weed);
2. the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field;
3. The White House lawn;
4. Paris Hilton (no wait, she has crabs in the grass, not weeds, dang it);
5. August National.
Let me see if I get this. Tiger Woods, the $100 million man, can play golf in weeds, but I can't have my kids run around in grass with weeds. The most powerful man in the free world can have weeds and I can't? Remember, this isn't tall weeds or excessive weeds, but rather weeds. WTF?
Of course, these are the same people who fined me $50 last fall because I had leaves on my lawn. Leaves on the lawn? In the fall? Damn you, trees. Damn you. Do not ever have your freaking leaves fall on my lawn. If you do, I shall strike thee down with a lightning bolt. Do not give me this change of seasons crap. Leaves should not fall on my lawn. It is my lawn and I live in the area with the homeowners association that hates leaves. Ever. Any time. Leaves are clearly the warriors of Satan in a fight for my home's soul.
How incompetent is this group? They scheduled a dog walk for July 4th and thought people would come. One problem: they never got a permit. OOPS! How do you forget to get a permit? Isn't that like having a party and forgetting to reserve a location? Then they rescheduled it for the same day as the start of the soccer season. They were stunned when they had a couple dozen people show up instead of the 1,000 they told sponsors they would get. Really? You think mom and dad are going to go to a dog walk instead of taking little Timmy to his soccer pictures and soccer game? Soccer pictures happen one time with your team. You can walk your dog pretty much anytime you want. And these people were genuinely surprised.
The association has a great policy. Do you know how they find violations? They have neighbors rat you out. That builds great neighborhood spirit. "Hey Bill. How are you doing?" Meanwhile, he is checking out your lawn to see if you have a weed so he can report you. Then he reports you and the association sends someone out to take pictures. At this point, wouldn't it work to go say "Bill, we had a complaint from someone about your lawn. Can you put down some Roundup on the weeds?" But, no. Instead they send out a letter and a fine.
They forget to tell you that if you don't pay the fine, they just keep sending it to you. There are people in the association who owe thousands of dollars and the association does nothing to collect it. I think at some point it must stale date and you can't call it an asset anymore. Of course, the board members are still laughing thinking I called someone an ass when I used the word asset. Its like Beavis and freaking Butthead. But at least Beavis could put together a complete sentence.
Of course, if you are the President of the Association, you get a free pass. Your vacant lots are allowed to have weeds grow 5 feet high. And you get until May 1 to cut them down in case it rains and they grow back. That's my excuse. I want to let me grass grow as much as a hirsute woman and tell them its not May 1 yet so I can't be fined!
This dweeb actually told a friend of mine that he wanted me to come to a meeting so he could show me he was smarter than me. I think he meant by using big words. Or using words he thinks are big. He probably was sitting around coming up with words like sassafras. He was going to call me a sassafras soda or something. Trust me, dude is less bright than the people who think its sad that I made fun of Michael Jackson.
The rest of the board is full of pansies who refuse to do anything. Not one single thing. They don't vote on anything. I think they have meetings solely so they can sit around and tell each other how great they are. They sit around and say things like "We are such a good board since we haven't had anyone yell at us ever." Of course, they ignore the fact that they haven't advertised their meetings in the last 6 years. They send out notices AFTER they meet. How useful is that?
I have an idea: how about the homeowners association spend their time doing something better than fining people for having a weed? How about they stop scheduling dog walks during major events? How about they all go on a field trip far, far away?
You see, I have the homeowners association from h-e-double hockey sticks. These folks are so inept that they make George W. Bush look like he has a firm grasp of world leaders. These folks are so bad at their jobs that they make Kate Gosselin look like a marriage counselor. These people are so incompetent that they make the ABA look like they have some clue on scheduling meetings in the USA!
Today in my mail, I got a $50 fine for having weeds in my lawn. Not excessive weeds. Not big weeds. Just weeds. Let me run down the top 5 list of places that have weeds in grass:
1. All of Humboldt County has weed (different kind, sure, but still weed);
2. the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field;
3. The White House lawn;
4. Paris Hilton (no wait, she has crabs in the grass, not weeds, dang it);
5. August National.
Let me see if I get this. Tiger Woods, the $100 million man, can play golf in weeds, but I can't have my kids run around in grass with weeds. The most powerful man in the free world can have weeds and I can't? Remember, this isn't tall weeds or excessive weeds, but rather weeds. WTF?
Of course, these are the same people who fined me $50 last fall because I had leaves on my lawn. Leaves on the lawn? In the fall? Damn you, trees. Damn you. Do not ever have your freaking leaves fall on my lawn. If you do, I shall strike thee down with a lightning bolt. Do not give me this change of seasons crap. Leaves should not fall on my lawn. It is my lawn and I live in the area with the homeowners association that hates leaves. Ever. Any time. Leaves are clearly the warriors of Satan in a fight for my home's soul.
How incompetent is this group? They scheduled a dog walk for July 4th and thought people would come. One problem: they never got a permit. OOPS! How do you forget to get a permit? Isn't that like having a party and forgetting to reserve a location? Then they rescheduled it for the same day as the start of the soccer season. They were stunned when they had a couple dozen people show up instead of the 1,000 they told sponsors they would get. Really? You think mom and dad are going to go to a dog walk instead of taking little Timmy to his soccer pictures and soccer game? Soccer pictures happen one time with your team. You can walk your dog pretty much anytime you want. And these people were genuinely surprised.
The association has a great policy. Do you know how they find violations? They have neighbors rat you out. That builds great neighborhood spirit. "Hey Bill. How are you doing?" Meanwhile, he is checking out your lawn to see if you have a weed so he can report you. Then he reports you and the association sends someone out to take pictures. At this point, wouldn't it work to go say "Bill, we had a complaint from someone about your lawn. Can you put down some Roundup on the weeds?" But, no. Instead they send out a letter and a fine.
They forget to tell you that if you don't pay the fine, they just keep sending it to you. There are people in the association who owe thousands of dollars and the association does nothing to collect it. I think at some point it must stale date and you can't call it an asset anymore. Of course, the board members are still laughing thinking I called someone an ass when I used the word asset. Its like Beavis and freaking Butthead. But at least Beavis could put together a complete sentence.
Of course, if you are the President of the Association, you get a free pass. Your vacant lots are allowed to have weeds grow 5 feet high. And you get until May 1 to cut them down in case it rains and they grow back. That's my excuse. I want to let me grass grow as much as a hirsute woman and tell them its not May 1 yet so I can't be fined!
This dweeb actually told a friend of mine that he wanted me to come to a meeting so he could show me he was smarter than me. I think he meant by using big words. Or using words he thinks are big. He probably was sitting around coming up with words like sassafras. He was going to call me a sassafras soda or something. Trust me, dude is less bright than the people who think its sad that I made fun of Michael Jackson.
The rest of the board is full of pansies who refuse to do anything. Not one single thing. They don't vote on anything. I think they have meetings solely so they can sit around and tell each other how great they are. They sit around and say things like "We are such a good board since we haven't had anyone yell at us ever." Of course, they ignore the fact that they haven't advertised their meetings in the last 6 years. They send out notices AFTER they meet. How useful is that?
I have an idea: how about the homeowners association spend their time doing something better than fining people for having a weed? How about they stop scheduling dog walks during major events? How about they all go on a field trip far, far away?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
What's the deal with Facebook?
I care about this. Trust me. I do. It is important to me. It is deeply important to me. I have been contemplating this for a week. Yes, Alison, a week. It is as important to me as the President of the United States. It is as important as the spray on mobile tan dude who is a perv. Even if some of you doubt me, and you know who you are, this is an issue that is vitally important to this country.
What is it? Facebook. What is the deal with Facebook? Well, it is not really Facebook that I have an issue with. It is Facebook users. Specifically, a few specific types of users. These people should be taken off Facebook for at least 60 days - maybe 60 years. Of course, in 60 days Facebook could be as useless as MySpace, or worse, as AOL. Does anyone really use AOL anymore? Of course, at least AOL still exists. My dad was sure Prodigy would take off. That might be the biggest mistake he made! Anyway, Facebook users who should be banned:
1. The bad profile picture. I don't just mean a bad picture. I mean the picture that says "I think this is an online dating website." Or worse, the picture that says "I think I should be a porn star." You know, the picture that is cropped so you see the face or the chest or the ........ The picture where someone has that coy "Come hither big boy" smile. The picture where the person has that "I want it and I want it now" look. YUCK! Look, I don't really care if you are looking for a date. I don't care if your girlfriend or boyfriend or your eunuch or hermaphrodite doesn't put out. I am not going to either. If you want to put up a picture like that, try Craigslist or the back of your local free weekly or Match.com. Trust me. And that will save us from having to look at it.
2. The quoteaholic. Okay, your Facebook status can be a lot of things: funny, dumb, lame, ridiculous, a statement about what you are doing. But does every status have to be a quote. "To be or not to be." "Love is a battlefield." "Do wa ditty, ditty dum ditty do." "I love you sweatshirt, redhooded, sweatshirt, sham a lam a ding dong." I think I could do a whole blog of quotes. Just quote after quote after quote. But what does that say, other than I know how to use Google? There are something like 21,000,000 websites with famous quotes. So, I can Google and pick them out. (By the way, every quote in here is something I knew without looking up.) Really, it gets old. Stop with the freaking quotes. We don't want them. Maybe a gem once in a while, but not every freaking update. Please?
3. The religious updates. I get that some people are religious. Some people think everything is done by God. I get it. I just read a good book about Liberty University, The Unlikely Disciple. Good book. Go read it. Now. Order it on Amazon. Or email me and ask for my copy. Really. www.kevinroose.com. Anyway, I digress. There is something new. If you want to update your profile with religious quotes, spiritual texts, etc... than go get a page on Myspace for Christians. Yes, it exists. I get it. I take no position on religion. At least not on the blog. It is fine. But its not for everyone and don't put it on your blog everyday. Please? For those of us who may not be as religious as you. Please?
Am I really asking for much? Can we institute a 60 day ban on these things? Please? And can you please update your picture? It doesn't have to be G rated, but how about PG13? Please? I don't want to see any more skin on my friends than absolutely necessary and that is very little!
What is it? Facebook. What is the deal with Facebook? Well, it is not really Facebook that I have an issue with. It is Facebook users. Specifically, a few specific types of users. These people should be taken off Facebook for at least 60 days - maybe 60 years. Of course, in 60 days Facebook could be as useless as MySpace, or worse, as AOL. Does anyone really use AOL anymore? Of course, at least AOL still exists. My dad was sure Prodigy would take off. That might be the biggest mistake he made! Anyway, Facebook users who should be banned:
1. The bad profile picture. I don't just mean a bad picture. I mean the picture that says "I think this is an online dating website." Or worse, the picture that says "I think I should be a porn star." You know, the picture that is cropped so you see the face or the chest or the ........ The picture where someone has that coy "Come hither big boy" smile. The picture where the person has that "I want it and I want it now" look. YUCK! Look, I don't really care if you are looking for a date. I don't care if your girlfriend or boyfriend or your eunuch or hermaphrodite doesn't put out. I am not going to either. If you want to put up a picture like that, try Craigslist or the back of your local free weekly or Match.com. Trust me. And that will save us from having to look at it.
2. The quoteaholic. Okay, your Facebook status can be a lot of things: funny, dumb, lame, ridiculous, a statement about what you are doing. But does every status have to be a quote. "To be or not to be." "Love is a battlefield." "Do wa ditty, ditty dum ditty do." "I love you sweatshirt, redhooded, sweatshirt, sham a lam a ding dong." I think I could do a whole blog of quotes. Just quote after quote after quote. But what does that say, other than I know how to use Google? There are something like 21,000,000 websites with famous quotes. So, I can Google and pick them out. (By the way, every quote in here is something I knew without looking up.) Really, it gets old. Stop with the freaking quotes. We don't want them. Maybe a gem once in a while, but not every freaking update. Please?
3. The religious updates. I get that some people are religious. Some people think everything is done by God. I get it. I just read a good book about Liberty University, The Unlikely Disciple. Good book. Go read it. Now. Order it on Amazon. Or email me and ask for my copy. Really. www.kevinroose.com. Anyway, I digress. There is something new. If you want to update your profile with religious quotes, spiritual texts, etc... than go get a page on Myspace for Christians. Yes, it exists. I get it. I take no position on religion. At least not on the blog. It is fine. But its not for everyone and don't put it on your blog everyday. Please? For those of us who may not be as religious as you. Please?
Am I really asking for much? Can we institute a 60 day ban on these things? Please? And can you please update your picture? It doesn't have to be G rated, but how about PG13? Please? I don't want to see any more skin on my friends than absolutely necessary and that is very little!
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