No, not me. I am low maintenance. I am so low maintenance its like non-existent. Really. Just ask my wife. Right honey? (It's okay - she doesn't read this so you can trust me when I say that.)
Seriously, not only are lawyers high maintenance, but they aren't even good about being high maintenance. I mean, if Diane Lane wants to get all high maintenance on me, that would be fine. I would just break out Unfaithful and watch it with her and all would be good in the world. I am sure some woman would think Captain Jack Sparrow could get all high maintenance on her and she would be fine with it. But the folks who are all high maintenance in the legal world cannot back it up. At least in this reporter's humble view. (See Guy, Family)
Let me start with a favorite of mine. Jay Foonberg. Jay Foonberg is considered some Godlike person among people in the ABA. Apparently he knows something about opening and running a law firm. Well, they think he does. The ABA recently had a seminar called "How to Hang Your Shingle and Start Your Firm" with Foonberg as the speaker. Now, let me see how many problems I have with this.
First, Foonberg is on Twitter. And if by on, I mean he has 1 follower. I don't know about the rest of you, but if I am going to sit through some presentation about running a law firm, I would like to know about the latest technology - preferably from someone who uses it. Hey, I don't know if Twitter is the next big thing, especially for lawyers, but shouldn't dude at least be able to tell me he uses it? Of course, this is probably expecting too much from a guy who doesn't blog. But, he is affiliated with Solo Practice University- which may be the biggest waste of money for sole practitioners. Solo Practice is just repackaging other people's ideas - ideas that are mostly free. It is like paying for an aggregator. Why? Please tell me why.
Second, Foonberg doesn't use proper English on his website. Now, those of you who are regular readers of my blog will recall some posts where I did not use proper English. I think I broke out with "You can blame it on the rain cause the rain don't mind and the rain don't care." We all know that this should be "You can blame it on the rain because the rain doesn't mind and the rain doesn't care." But, I am not writing this to get clients or to have people pay $180 for a book. Especially a book where you are already supposed to know 85% of the material. I am paying you $180 for 15% of the material. That means the book should cost over $1,000. Yes, Foonberg, for $1,000 I would rather go to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch than read your lack of command of the English language. How about you don't put your own writing in quotes on your own freaking website.
But, Foonberg isn't the only one. How about Scott Greenfield? He writes some blog Simple Justice. I don't know what simple justice is. If I did, I think I would cry. There is nothing simple about justice. But, that's just me. Greenfield has a blog post today about blogging. Yes, he blogged about blogging when he claims to be a lawyer who represents people and not a marketing guy. In fact, he called a marketing guy a whore. Of course, Greenfield is marketing without calling it marketing. Its like putting your money in the mattress and then not calling it saving. You are still saving it - just not in a bank. If Greenfield doesn't think he is marketing with his blog, he is more of a diva than I thought. In his blog, he doesn't capitalize Twitter, he puts periods outside of the quotation marks, he screws up figures of speech (it is not "on both accounts" but rather "on bouth counts" and it is "As I said" not "Like I said."), and he uses sentence fragments. That must be why he and Foonberg get along so well.
Greenfield, however, and his buddies Mark Bennett and Brian Tannenbaum, make VH1's Diva's show look like the small time. These three were invited to speak at a seminar with me. Now, I don't know that I would go to listen to me speak. But, I might. After all, I know what I am going to say and I am not afraid to say it. (Of course, the problem could be the sponsor of the seminar may wuss out now that I have called these guys out or the sponsor could man up and let me do what I proposed. I am hoping for the latter since we are brothers without hair.) Anyway, these three wouldn't go to the seminar unless someone pays for their travel. Really? Who the hell pays anyone to travel to a seminar these days? I haven't seen that happen in years and I invited speakers for the State Bar of California for years. But, apparently, when you market your law practice without admitting it is marketing, you think you need to be treated differently. Its a bit like when someone comes out to Sunday Soccer and they don't want us to shoot at them. If you don't want to get hit with the ball, get off the field.
I don't know about this. I don't understand why so many lawyers are such divas. Look, we put our pants on one leg at a time just like the maid and the cook and the septic tank cleaner and the freaky parents of that kid Falcon. (By the way, you aren't bright enough to pull off a hoax like that, Eagle and Sparrow, or whatever the hell your names are. Did you really think you wouldn't get caught? Of course, you wonder why ABC hasn't been running 24 hours of these folks on Wife Swap. You know ABC would do anything to make a buck.) Anyway, there are way too many lawyers who think they are way too good. You are a person. Your mom and dad had a sperm and an egg meet just like everyone else. You spent 40 weeks or so in the womb. The difference? You kept going to school.
So memo to those called out in this blog post: stop with the nonsense. Foonberg, I have $5 for your book. That is about all it is worth. When you can figure out how to run a modern law practice and not an Abraham Lincoln law practice, call me. The other three - stop thinking you are so advanced because you don't market your law practice. You do. And stop being a diva. Go to the conference and feel free to rip into me. I know I will do my homework and be prepared to explain the flaws in people who refuse to hire experts to help market their law firms.
Oh, and the offer I made to Barrett and Fairley applies to you guys (and you really old men) too: more than happy to debate you publicly on this!
Showing posts with label lawyers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lawyers. Show all posts
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Three stories about the legal profession
So, I thought I would share three stories about the legal profession. I think these stories illustrate why people hate lawyers and why being a lawyer isn't all that you think it is. In fact, sometimes it just flat out sucks! How should I do this? Worst to best? Order of how they occurred? Just however it comes out? I vote for the last one. That's how I blog - whatever happens to be said. If you haven't figured that out by now, you are a new reader.
DB #1 - The piss ant paralegal. There are two kinds of paralegals in this world - the good ones and the bad ones. Its really quite simple. I know a couple of good ones. Some are really good. But the bad ones - really bad. And one characteristic of a bad paralegal - they want to be an attorney. They act like an attorney, they talk like an attorney, they think their s*** don't stink like some attorneys. Well, actually, they try to act like an attorney, they try to talk like an attorney and they do think their s*** don't stink like an attorney. You all know this type of person. There is one in every profession.
So little piss any paralegal, Eric or Bill or something like that, no wait, its Eric, calls me up. He wants to talk about a case where his firm did something that is unethical. I explain to him why it was unethical and go through the facts. Now look, I get that sometime there is a disagreement about facts. My client thinks he has a green light and the other party thinks he has a green light. Obviously, both don't have a green light at the same time. But, that is up for discussion. The three letters that Erica sent me (yes, I just called him a woman, problem with that?) that he signed are not up for discussion. His signature is on it. After I lay this out for him, and its all in writing, he says to me, and this is a direct quote, "I am not going to admit to anything." Dude, this isn't admitting to anything. I have your f-ing signature on it. I am not asking you to admit it - I am stating it as a fact. This is not a trial. You are not on the witness stand. However, your statements make me realize that: a) you are a liar, b) you are a sack of flaming poo that someone stepped on after answering their doorbell and c) you should be waterboarded. But, hey, dude, keep it up. I am sure you get far in life by being a no good lying SOB who probably got forced to wash the football team's jock straps after games.
DB #2 - The one eyed lawyer. Okay, so dude may have two eyes, but only one works. And that is even up for debate. I understand neither one works. No, he doesn't have a lazy eye. He has no eye. None. Its like wood or metal or whatever they make fake eyes out of. And those of you who know me really well, no it takes a lot for me to make eye jokes about a guy. I would think if you had one eye, you would be a bit less of a turd. But, no, it turns out one eyed guys are big turds too. Maybe even bigger.
This guy apparently didn't like my contacting him by email. Of course, he never returned my 6 calls or responded to my two faxes. His "call center" said he was never in. I smell a tangent coming. If you run a small business, and by small I mean you are the only employee, you should not have a "call center." If you are going to use an answering service, how about if they just answer the phones "Law Office of Ritr Pesner" and then they tell people you are not in. Easy enough? Anyway, dude sends me a disparaging email and then says he will not communicate with me anymore. Really? What are we, like 5th graders? "I am not talking to you anymore." The difference is that in 5th grade, I would go tell the teacher. Now I will just sue your deadbeat clients. So, it will end up costing them money because you are a moronic idiot. This is a good reason people hate attorneys: some of us are sophomoric pantywastes.
DB #3 - If you are a friend on Facebook or if you have been lucky enough, and I mean that sarcastically, to have me call you in the last 48 hours, you have heard this story. This lady is so ugly that she makes Medusa look like the prom queen. No wait, she is so ugly she makes Susan Boyle looks like Cameron Diaz from a few years ago. You know, when Cameron Diaz was hot. Really hot. So, ugly attorney lady apparently has no social skills. Someone told me that you can't be a b*tch if you are ugly. Apparently, this lady didn't get the message.
So, Thursday my son had to be rushed to the ER. He ended up having an emergency appendectomy. He is still recovering. But, I had a client call me and tell me she needed an answer filed in a case on Thursday. I couldn't do it as I was at the ER. So, I call the attorney and ask for an extension. She tells me no. I explain that I am at the hospital and my son is about to have surgery. And she still tells me no. WTF? My kid is in the hospital and you won't give me an extension of a few days. Not can't, but won't. You are choosing not to. Fine. Do you know what that makes you? That makes you a bleeper bleeper piece of bleep who should be taken out back and smacked until your bleeping attitude changes you worthless bleeper. Or, it makes you the most vile human being I know and a person who thinks that by having a law degree, you need to enforce the law regardless of the circumstances. You are a sad, pathetic excuse for an attorney, no wait, a sad, pathetic excuse for a person. You should have your insides ripped out while you are awake. You should never be able to reproduce. You should have to watch as your most prized possession is cut up and glued back together, you worthless b*tch.
Wheh. I feel better. Oh, and DB stands for douchebag. But you knew that. Now I am going to spend more time with my son and stop dealing with people who have absolutely no clue about how to be a human being, much less a legal professional.
DB #1 - The piss ant paralegal. There are two kinds of paralegals in this world - the good ones and the bad ones. Its really quite simple. I know a couple of good ones. Some are really good. But the bad ones - really bad. And one characteristic of a bad paralegal - they want to be an attorney. They act like an attorney, they talk like an attorney, they think their s*** don't stink like some attorneys. Well, actually, they try to act like an attorney, they try to talk like an attorney and they do think their s*** don't stink like an attorney. You all know this type of person. There is one in every profession.
So little piss any paralegal, Eric or Bill or something like that, no wait, its Eric, calls me up. He wants to talk about a case where his firm did something that is unethical. I explain to him why it was unethical and go through the facts. Now look, I get that sometime there is a disagreement about facts. My client thinks he has a green light and the other party thinks he has a green light. Obviously, both don't have a green light at the same time. But, that is up for discussion. The three letters that Erica sent me (yes, I just called him a woman, problem with that?) that he signed are not up for discussion. His signature is on it. After I lay this out for him, and its all in writing, he says to me, and this is a direct quote, "I am not going to admit to anything." Dude, this isn't admitting to anything. I have your f-ing signature on it. I am not asking you to admit it - I am stating it as a fact. This is not a trial. You are not on the witness stand. However, your statements make me realize that: a) you are a liar, b) you are a sack of flaming poo that someone stepped on after answering their doorbell and c) you should be waterboarded. But, hey, dude, keep it up. I am sure you get far in life by being a no good lying SOB who probably got forced to wash the football team's jock straps after games.
DB #2 - The one eyed lawyer. Okay, so dude may have two eyes, but only one works. And that is even up for debate. I understand neither one works. No, he doesn't have a lazy eye. He has no eye. None. Its like wood or metal or whatever they make fake eyes out of. And those of you who know me really well, no it takes a lot for me to make eye jokes about a guy. I would think if you had one eye, you would be a bit less of a turd. But, no, it turns out one eyed guys are big turds too. Maybe even bigger.
This guy apparently didn't like my contacting him by email. Of course, he never returned my 6 calls or responded to my two faxes. His "call center" said he was never in. I smell a tangent coming. If you run a small business, and by small I mean you are the only employee, you should not have a "call center." If you are going to use an answering service, how about if they just answer the phones "Law Office of Ritr Pesner" and then they tell people you are not in. Easy enough? Anyway, dude sends me a disparaging email and then says he will not communicate with me anymore. Really? What are we, like 5th graders? "I am not talking to you anymore." The difference is that in 5th grade, I would go tell the teacher. Now I will just sue your deadbeat clients. So, it will end up costing them money because you are a moronic idiot. This is a good reason people hate attorneys: some of us are sophomoric pantywastes.
DB #3 - If you are a friend on Facebook or if you have been lucky enough, and I mean that sarcastically, to have me call you in the last 48 hours, you have heard this story. This lady is so ugly that she makes Medusa look like the prom queen. No wait, she is so ugly she makes Susan Boyle looks like Cameron Diaz from a few years ago. You know, when Cameron Diaz was hot. Really hot. So, ugly attorney lady apparently has no social skills. Someone told me that you can't be a b*tch if you are ugly. Apparently, this lady didn't get the message.
So, Thursday my son had to be rushed to the ER. He ended up having an emergency appendectomy. He is still recovering. But, I had a client call me and tell me she needed an answer filed in a case on Thursday. I couldn't do it as I was at the ER. So, I call the attorney and ask for an extension. She tells me no. I explain that I am at the hospital and my son is about to have surgery. And she still tells me no. WTF? My kid is in the hospital and you won't give me an extension of a few days. Not can't, but won't. You are choosing not to. Fine. Do you know what that makes you? That makes you a bleeper bleeper piece of bleep who should be taken out back and smacked until your bleeping attitude changes you worthless bleeper. Or, it makes you the most vile human being I know and a person who thinks that by having a law degree, you need to enforce the law regardless of the circumstances. You are a sad, pathetic excuse for an attorney, no wait, a sad, pathetic excuse for a person. You should have your insides ripped out while you are awake. You should never be able to reproduce. You should have to watch as your most prized possession is cut up and glued back together, you worthless b*tch.
Wheh. I feel better. Oh, and DB stands for douchebag. But you knew that. Now I am going to spend more time with my son and stop dealing with people who have absolutely no clue about how to be a human being, much less a legal professional.
Monday, August 17, 2009
What the heck is wrong with lawyers?
Someone, please tell me. Okay, save the jokes. Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His mouth is moving. yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Been there, done that. Most aren't funny. Sorry.
But, seriously, what the hell is wrong with lawyers? Are we dumb? Stupid? Or do we think that the rules of society do not apply to us because we have a JD? Or are we just asses?
I get a deposition notice in the mail today. Its for my wife's due date. I write a nice simple letter back explaining that she is due on that date and that I am not scheduling things for a few weeks before and a few weeks after. I mean, most people who work for big companies take paternity leave. Heck, I have a friend (Can I call you a friend?) who works for a small company and took time off when his son was born. I think its just a common understanding. After all, she didn't get pregnant by herself. At least, that is what I am told. Really, is this so unreasonable?
So, dude calls me up. Actually, dude is too nice. Dweeb calls me up. No, dweeb is too nice. DB (douche bag) calls me up. (I am the only one who remembers the commercial for Summer's Eve. Mom and daughter are walking on the beach and the daughter looks at mom and says "Mom. Can I ask you a personal question? Do you douche?" Seriously, would anyone actually ask that to their mom. I am buying a coffee for anyone who can prove to me that they would say that to their mom. And not a cheap McCafe coffee, but a real Starbucks coffee. Venti size. Extra hot, 2 1/2 pump, caf and a half, with whip.) Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, DB calls me up and says "We are proceeding with the deposition that day anyway and you need to find a contract attorney."
In the real world, people say "Oh, your wife is expecting. Congratulations. Let me see what we can do to work around your schedule." Or maybe "Congratulations. Lets worry about this after." But, not attorneys. At least not DB. DB thinks that his case is so important that he should ignore the fact that its my wife's due date and take his deposition anyway.
Um, not sure if he gets this, but his case is about money. And money that my client is paying back weekly. Its not like his client needs to get any information since my client is paying his client back. Quickly. And my wife is having a baby. A little person. A human being. She grew a finger last week. She might grow another finger next week.
Lets compare: person versus money? Actually, person versus money that is being repaid? Not really that big of a deal. But apparently it is to this guy. Here is an idea: stop being an a****** and start being a person. I am sure your client would love to know that you are a DB and think his money is more important than a person. I mean, I think my clients would be mortified if I told them that I thought taking a deposition is more important than someone being with his wife when she is having a baby.
Hey DB - here is an idea: Go douche yourself and let me know how that feels. Until then, there is not going to be a deposition anywhere near when my wife delivers.
But, seriously, what the hell is wrong with lawyers? Are we dumb? Stupid? Or do we think that the rules of society do not apply to us because we have a JD? Or are we just asses?
I get a deposition notice in the mail today. Its for my wife's due date. I write a nice simple letter back explaining that she is due on that date and that I am not scheduling things for a few weeks before and a few weeks after. I mean, most people who work for big companies take paternity leave. Heck, I have a friend (Can I call you a friend?) who works for a small company and took time off when his son was born. I think its just a common understanding. After all, she didn't get pregnant by herself. At least, that is what I am told. Really, is this so unreasonable?
So, dude calls me up. Actually, dude is too nice. Dweeb calls me up. No, dweeb is too nice. DB (douche bag) calls me up. (I am the only one who remembers the commercial for Summer's Eve. Mom and daughter are walking on the beach and the daughter looks at mom and says "Mom. Can I ask you a personal question? Do you douche?" Seriously, would anyone actually ask that to their mom. I am buying a coffee for anyone who can prove to me that they would say that to their mom. And not a cheap McCafe coffee, but a real Starbucks coffee. Venti size. Extra hot, 2 1/2 pump, caf and a half, with whip.) Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, DB calls me up and says "We are proceeding with the deposition that day anyway and you need to find a contract attorney."
In the real world, people say "Oh, your wife is expecting. Congratulations. Let me see what we can do to work around your schedule." Or maybe "Congratulations. Lets worry about this after." But, not attorneys. At least not DB. DB thinks that his case is so important that he should ignore the fact that its my wife's due date and take his deposition anyway.
Um, not sure if he gets this, but his case is about money. And money that my client is paying back weekly. Its not like his client needs to get any information since my client is paying his client back. Quickly. And my wife is having a baby. A little person. A human being. She grew a finger last week. She might grow another finger next week.
Lets compare: person versus money? Actually, person versus money that is being repaid? Not really that big of a deal. But apparently it is to this guy. Here is an idea: stop being an a****** and start being a person. I am sure your client would love to know that you are a DB and think his money is more important than a person. I mean, I think my clients would be mortified if I told them that I thought taking a deposition is more important than someone being with his wife when she is having a baby.
Hey DB - here is an idea: Go douche yourself and let me know how that feels. Until then, there is not going to be a deposition anywhere near when my wife delivers.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Views from the Daddy to be Side
Tuesday was a fun day. I had a court hearing on Tuesday. Then we had a baby birthing class. Apparently, to have a baby, you need to go to class now. I didn't know that having had three kids already. But, if you want want to come out of your wife's stomach, apparently a class helps. (By the way, we had a great instructor and you can see her blog at http://gentlebeginnings.blogspot.com/ and her best post at http://gentlebeginnings.blogspot.com/2008/10/bribing-your-nurse.html Thanks Theresa!)
But before we went to birthing class, I had to go to court. I thought I would be a nice husband and take my wife to breakfast before court. A bagel at Noah's is a good breakfast. Then we went to court. This is an auxiliary court with only 2 courtrooms. There are about 10 chairs to sit in. Its a nice little place.
So we get there and my wife, who is very pregnant, is standing next to me. The seats are all taken. When I was a kid, my dad taught me that you offer your seat to a woman. You especially offer your seat to a pregnant woman. Now, some of these seats were taken by women, but I think in the hierarchy of seats it is elderly woman, elderly man, disabled woman, disabled man, pregnant woman, woman, child, man. So the non-pregnant woman could have offered her seat. But she was too stuck in her "I am a lawyer" mode to notice anyone or anything around her.
For those of you who do not know, I am a lawyer mode is when you are so stuck on being a lawyer that you do not realize that there is a world around you. Some signs to look for: a person introduces himself as "Hi, I am Bob and I am a lawyer;" a person relates every story to the law ("Did you hear that it is going to be 100 tomorrow?" "No, really? I am going to go to court and argue that res ipsa loquitor is a bad idea."); a person puts JD on their license plate as in BOBJD or BOBESQ; and a person uses big words when a small word applies as in "That is more than mere puffery" instead of the better "That is BS!"
But, there were guys there waiting for court. Dude #1 was in a double breasted suit. Double breasted suits went out with the mullet, Achy Breaky Heart, and Billy "Stroke Me" Squire. Seriously, a poorly fitting double breasted suit is more unfortunate than Speedo, no wait, more unfortunate than camel toe. (Sorry, I had to go there.)
Dude #2 was wearing a blue pinstriped suit. Nothing wrong with that, right? I have a blue pinstripe suit. Of course, mine was not the $99 special. But his blue pinstripe suit was being worn with a blue and white checked shirt...........and a horizontal striped tie. Knit. Poorly. I am no Clinton Kelly or Stacy London (who really needs to get rid of the gray stripe in her hair that makes her look like a skunk - a skanky skunk) but even I knew this outfit didn't work - ever. Not even in the 70s.
Dude #3 was too busy keeping his comb-over in place. I thought comb-over's went the way of Michael Jackson's pigmentation. (If you want to be my lover, it don't matter if your black or white - as long as you don't mind that I am opaque. Billie Jean's not my lover/I had my thing removed during my 118th plastic surgery. Okay, enough with the Michael Jackson songs - for this month!) The comb-over looked so bad, I thought the guy liked unicorn porn. No wait, that's not it. Unicorn porn is when the woman..........nevermind. I mean, hermaphrodite porn. (Yes, it exists and I known of someone who likes it. I haven't watched it - but if you have, leave a comment. No wait, don't leave a comment. That's just wrong. Plain wrong. Go get help. Now. Please? I will even pay for your first session.)
Anyway, none of these guys could offer the pregnant lady a seat. I am not asking for much, but offer a woman a seat, you poorly dressed dweebs.
So, after we were in court, it was baby class. This was our last baby class. It was week 5. Technically, it was a 6 week program but the last class is a hospital tour. We did our hospital tour. I wrote about it before. Remember, the non pregnant lady who was taking a tour and taking notes. Huh? Or how about the lady whose husband is a doctor and decided to yell at the nurse who was giving the tour? Nice, lady.
So, it was our last class. And the teacher was nice. And some of the people in class were. Well, most of the people. One guy had to turn everything into a sexual comment. Look, it is not that hard to turn "hands and knees position" into something sexual. I know 14 year olds who could make that joke. My left "toe" (yes toe is a euphemism for another word) could make that joke. Its not that hard. The key to good humor is to take the tough thing and turn it into something funny. So, take the comment about the nanny, well, maybe she was a nanny, and turn that into something funny. And funny doesn't have to be sexual. Go read my Michael Jackson posts. Those were funny. And not sexual. If you can't joke with the big dogs, go play in high school. Please? (By the way, when you have a kid, those jokes will be a lot less funny and you will have to learn to expand your horizons in the humor department!)
Now I feel better!
But before we went to birthing class, I had to go to court. I thought I would be a nice husband and take my wife to breakfast before court. A bagel at Noah's is a good breakfast. Then we went to court. This is an auxiliary court with only 2 courtrooms. There are about 10 chairs to sit in. Its a nice little place.
So we get there and my wife, who is very pregnant, is standing next to me. The seats are all taken. When I was a kid, my dad taught me that you offer your seat to a woman. You especially offer your seat to a pregnant woman. Now, some of these seats were taken by women, but I think in the hierarchy of seats it is elderly woman, elderly man, disabled woman, disabled man, pregnant woman, woman, child, man. So the non-pregnant woman could have offered her seat. But she was too stuck in her "I am a lawyer" mode to notice anyone or anything around her.
For those of you who do not know, I am a lawyer mode is when you are so stuck on being a lawyer that you do not realize that there is a world around you. Some signs to look for: a person introduces himself as "Hi, I am Bob and I am a lawyer;" a person relates every story to the law ("Did you hear that it is going to be 100 tomorrow?" "No, really? I am going to go to court and argue that res ipsa loquitor is a bad idea."); a person puts JD on their license plate as in BOBJD or BOBESQ; and a person uses big words when a small word applies as in "That is more than mere puffery" instead of the better "That is BS!"
But, there were guys there waiting for court. Dude #1 was in a double breasted suit. Double breasted suits went out with the mullet, Achy Breaky Heart, and Billy "Stroke Me" Squire. Seriously, a poorly fitting double breasted suit is more unfortunate than Speedo, no wait, more unfortunate than camel toe. (Sorry, I had to go there.)
Dude #2 was wearing a blue pinstriped suit. Nothing wrong with that, right? I have a blue pinstripe suit. Of course, mine was not the $99 special. But his blue pinstripe suit was being worn with a blue and white checked shirt...........and a horizontal striped tie. Knit. Poorly. I am no Clinton Kelly or Stacy London (who really needs to get rid of the gray stripe in her hair that makes her look like a skunk - a skanky skunk) but even I knew this outfit didn't work - ever. Not even in the 70s.
Dude #3 was too busy keeping his comb-over in place. I thought comb-over's went the way of Michael Jackson's pigmentation. (If you want to be my lover, it don't matter if your black or white - as long as you don't mind that I am opaque. Billie Jean's not my lover/I had my thing removed during my 118th plastic surgery. Okay, enough with the Michael Jackson songs - for this month!) The comb-over looked so bad, I thought the guy liked unicorn porn. No wait, that's not it. Unicorn porn is when the woman..........nevermind. I mean, hermaphrodite porn. (Yes, it exists and I known of someone who likes it. I haven't watched it - but if you have, leave a comment. No wait, don't leave a comment. That's just wrong. Plain wrong. Go get help. Now. Please? I will even pay for your first session.)
Anyway, none of these guys could offer the pregnant lady a seat. I am not asking for much, but offer a woman a seat, you poorly dressed dweebs.
So, after we were in court, it was baby class. This was our last baby class. It was week 5. Technically, it was a 6 week program but the last class is a hospital tour. We did our hospital tour. I wrote about it before. Remember, the non pregnant lady who was taking a tour and taking notes. Huh? Or how about the lady whose husband is a doctor and decided to yell at the nurse who was giving the tour? Nice, lady.
So, it was our last class. And the teacher was nice. And some of the people in class were. Well, most of the people. One guy had to turn everything into a sexual comment. Look, it is not that hard to turn "hands and knees position" into something sexual. I know 14 year olds who could make that joke. My left "toe" (yes toe is a euphemism for another word) could make that joke. Its not that hard. The key to good humor is to take the tough thing and turn it into something funny. So, take the comment about the nanny, well, maybe she was a nanny, and turn that into something funny. And funny doesn't have to be sexual. Go read my Michael Jackson posts. Those were funny. And not sexual. If you can't joke with the big dogs, go play in high school. Please? (By the way, when you have a kid, those jokes will be a lot less funny and you will have to learn to expand your horizons in the humor department!)
Now I feel better!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Lawyers and Being a Lawyer
Okay, a few things I have to get off my chest. It has been a long two days of being a lawyer. Now, you non-lawyers don't make fun. That is like 2 weeks in normal living. In fact, when I am not working, I actually get younger because I don't have to deal with this nonsense.
1. Rhyming ads - WTF? Seriously, are we in 6th grade English learning to write poems. I mean, we could do the Haiku:
Practicing law
You should call our law firm first
We are the greatest
Or maybe we can break out a limerick:
There once was a lawyer in Roseville,
His members were so short they took a pill,
They saw everything blue instead of green,
And they stole potential clients claiming other lawyers were mean.
Or how about Roses are Red:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a family to be fed,
And I will beat up other attorneys with Kung fu.
I mean, seriously, there are law firms that try this. There is a law firm here with a three line rhyming ad.
For the best advice,
Please dont eat mice,
We can get money from rice.
Okay, so maybe it is not that bad, but it might as well be. These guys rhyme! Like 6th graders. No, wait, 6th graders would do a better job. Maybe something like this:
We have only been investigated by the FBI once,
We are as tall as runts,
And people think we are BLEEP! (Sorry, that was inappropriate!)
I mean, they think its a good ad. And everyone in town laughs at them. But they won't change it. Unfreakingbelievable.
2. Blawgtweet - Okay, disclaimer, I know the guy who uses twitter as @blawgtweet and he is a friend of mine. That being said, and he knows I feel this way, @blawgtweet? Really? Let's break it down.
Blawg? What is a blawg? I know, it is a blog about law. I guess I should write the Calawifornia Law Blawg. Or maybe the Lawsiana Law Blawg. Or how about Lawrry's Lawctating Law Blawg, a blog from Larry about lactation law. Blawg sounds like what you do when you have drunk too much and you are worshiping the porcelain thrown. Not that I have ever experienced that on New Year's Eve, but it is what I have heard.
And tweet? Tweet? It sounds like where you milk a cow. Happy cows come from California and their tweets aren't pulled too hard. Er, sorry. I mean, I think Pamela Anderson had some really big tweets. Dang it, not that either.
But, really, blawgtweet? ARGH! It hurts my eyes to just look at that word. It is my goal between now and 2010 to ban the word blawg from the English language. I mean, next we are going to start spelling centre, colour, Kalifornia, Rut Beer, and my house will have ruuf!
3. Morons - The legal profession seems to have more than its fair share of these. Just because you graduated from law school does not mean you are smart. It does not mean that you have any clue as to what goes on in the world. And if you went to a big fancy law school, it really doesn't mean you are smarter than anyone else. It usually just means that mom and dad had some money to grease some palms. And yes, I am talking about you Ralph Malph. You know who you are. Stop it. People have lives outside of the law. People have other things more important than litigation. People don't care about you and your garbage litigation. Let people live their lives and then they can provide you with what you think you need.
Oh, and did I mention that just because you went to law school does not mean you are smarter than anyone else? Because you are not. Really. I promise.
1. Rhyming ads - WTF? Seriously, are we in 6th grade English learning to write poems. I mean, we could do the Haiku:
Practicing law
You should call our law firm first
We are the greatest
Or maybe we can break out a limerick:
There once was a lawyer in Roseville,
His members were so short they took a pill,
They saw everything blue instead of green,
And they stole potential clients claiming other lawyers were mean.
Or how about Roses are Red:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a family to be fed,
And I will beat up other attorneys with Kung fu.
I mean, seriously, there are law firms that try this. There is a law firm here with a three line rhyming ad.
For the best advice,
Please dont eat mice,
We can get money from rice.
Okay, so maybe it is not that bad, but it might as well be. These guys rhyme! Like 6th graders. No, wait, 6th graders would do a better job. Maybe something like this:
We have only been investigated by the FBI once,
We are as tall as runts,
And people think we are BLEEP! (Sorry, that was inappropriate!)
I mean, they think its a good ad. And everyone in town laughs at them. But they won't change it. Unfreakingbelievable.
2. Blawgtweet - Okay, disclaimer, I know the guy who uses twitter as @blawgtweet and he is a friend of mine. That being said, and he knows I feel this way, @blawgtweet? Really? Let's break it down.
Blawg? What is a blawg? I know, it is a blog about law. I guess I should write the Calawifornia Law Blawg. Or maybe the Lawsiana Law Blawg. Or how about Lawrry's Lawctating Law Blawg, a blog from Larry about lactation law. Blawg sounds like what you do when you have drunk too much and you are worshiping the porcelain thrown. Not that I have ever experienced that on New Year's Eve, but it is what I have heard.
And tweet? Tweet? It sounds like where you milk a cow. Happy cows come from California and their tweets aren't pulled too hard. Er, sorry. I mean, I think Pamela Anderson had some really big tweets. Dang it, not that either.
But, really, blawgtweet? ARGH! It hurts my eyes to just look at that word. It is my goal between now and 2010 to ban the word blawg from the English language. I mean, next we are going to start spelling centre, colour, Kalifornia, Rut Beer, and my house will have ruuf!
3. Morons - The legal profession seems to have more than its fair share of these. Just because you graduated from law school does not mean you are smart. It does not mean that you have any clue as to what goes on in the world. And if you went to a big fancy law school, it really doesn't mean you are smarter than anyone else. It usually just means that mom and dad had some money to grease some palms. And yes, I am talking about you Ralph Malph. You know who you are. Stop it. People have lives outside of the law. People have other things more important than litigation. People don't care about you and your garbage litigation. Let people live their lives and then they can provide you with what you think you need.
Oh, and did I mention that just because you went to law school does not mean you are smarter than anyone else? Because you are not. Really. I promise.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Larry Bodine is a Marketing Goon
So I get this unsolicited email from this guy Larry Bodine about Avvo. Avvo may be the greatest thing for lawyers since the invention of a laptop. (Full Disclosure: I have no interest in Avvo, financial or otherwise.) However, Larry Bovine says that Avvo has no credibility. This is coming from a guy who is a "marketing consultant."
Stein's Dictionary - consultant - n - one who tells others how to do what he cannot do. Usage: That consultant is telling me how to run my law practice when he doesn't even know how to run a law practice.
So, since Larry wants to tell us why Avvo has no credibility, here is my top 10 list of reasons why Bodiner has no credibility:
10. He charges attorneys for access to an email marketing list. Yes, and he calls it successful. I guess it is successful if you measure success by putting money in his pocket. I run two marketing lists for attorneys that are FREE! Yes, mine are FREE and have access to some of the smartest marketing folks in the country.
9. Bodine is not on my marketing lists. When I say my, I mean I am just the dufus who took on the responsibility of running the list. I have no ownership interest in it. It is, like Mt. Everest, there.
8. Bodine has a picture that makes me think "1984." No, not the movie. Look at the dude's picture on his website. If the feathered hair does not tell you that he is stuck in the 80s, then the collar on his shirt does!
7. Apollo Business Development? Isn't Apollo from the 60s? Or did the Apollo theater give him the idea? Oh wait, that is not around either. Is there anything still around called Apollo? Anything? Bueller?
6. He was named "Technolawyer Legal Technology Consultant of the Year." Isn't that like being named Head Dungeon Master of the Year? Or maybe it is "Longest Title of the Year Winner of a Contest Sponsored by a Company who Wants Their Name in the Title of the Award and gave it to the Winner of the Company Named Award?" Just wondering.
5. He "conducts market assessments?" The key to this is closely reading the first three letters of the last word in quotes. Isn't that a bit like making an assumption? Here is a market assessment: consumers use Avvo. Thus, attorneys should use Avvo. Dang it - now I gave it away for free. You all owe me $15,000 for my market assessment. Make checks payable to "Thank Goodness I don't call myself a business development advisor or I would shoot myself."
4. He uses the word "Rainmaker" in a sentence when not quoting from John Grisham. Really, does anyone use the word "Rainmaker" if you are a real conversation? Do normal people use that word? Of course not. Heck, most attorneys do not use it.
3. He quotes from an article with a guy who wants to sue someone - immediately. Okay, I understand there is a time and place to sue people. After all, it is what I do. But, I try to resolve disputes in a friendly way first. The guy who BVDine quotes starts with talking about suing people. Sheesh. Don't we have enough lawsuits? (Oh, memo to attorney who wants to sue Avvo: if you have been disciplined, even if you have "resolved it," the public has a right to know.)
2. He has no idea what most of the lawyers in this country do yet professes to tell us. Look, he has consulted with 3,000 attorney firms down to 25 member "boutique" firms. Great for all of those people with money to throw away. Voipdine apparently does not realize that most attorneys in this country are solo and small firm practitioners. That means 5 attorneys and under. Yet, he, who has never worked with us based on his own website, is going to tell us that a tool that a lot of use and like has no credibility? Isn't that like me telling George Clooney how to play Danny Ocean in Ocean's 14?
1. He is jealous. He is just upset that he did not come up with this first. How can you tell? Because he thinks people care what he thinks. He thinks it is important to tell people HIS opinion. Dude, your opinion isn't worth the paper it is written on. Oh wait, you are too cool to write. I am sure you dictate. It is not worth the MP3 file it is saved in.
I feel better now.
EDIT: Bonus Coverage: This is like watching March Madness and then there is a close game somewhere else and they cut away:
0. Bodine feels Americans are lazy. Per Bovine's blog: "America needs to wake up and stop being lazy...." Really? We do. Hey Lar, can I call you Lar?, come spend a day with my laziness. I am sure you will find that I am just a lazy bum. I prefer you come on a Friday - sparring day! But, you could come on a day like today where I worked all day and then went and taught taekwondo lessons. I am sure I am lazy. I know, I am the exception, not the rule? Right. If you think we are lazy, go find your clients elsewhere.
-1. Bodine frequently finds use of the N word funny. No, not that N word. The N word that describes Hitler's regime. Apparently, there is some joke he found about Bush Bimbo, er, Limbaugh, and Nazis. Of course, he also thinks the best elevator speech ever answers the question of what you do for a living with "I am a Nazi medical researcher." Really? That's funny. I know, Bopuke is going to say that he has Jewish blood in him. Oh, by the way, there is no such thing as "Jewish blood." It is a religion - not a nationality. But it is not funny. Never. Ever. If you think that is funny you are a bigger moron than the douche who questioned by parenting skills while going in to a tanning salon!
I believe the consensus is in: Larry Bodine is to lawyers like Scott Boras is to baseball agents - he thinks he is better than he is and most of the people he works with cannot stand him.
Stein's Dictionary - consultant - n - one who tells others how to do what he cannot do. Usage: That consultant is telling me how to run my law practice when he doesn't even know how to run a law practice.
So, since Larry wants to tell us why Avvo has no credibility, here is my top 10 list of reasons why Bodiner has no credibility:
10. He charges attorneys for access to an email marketing list. Yes, and he calls it successful. I guess it is successful if you measure success by putting money in his pocket. I run two marketing lists for attorneys that are FREE! Yes, mine are FREE and have access to some of the smartest marketing folks in the country.
9. Bodine is not on my marketing lists. When I say my, I mean I am just the dufus who took on the responsibility of running the list. I have no ownership interest in it. It is, like Mt. Everest, there.
8. Bodine has a picture that makes me think "1984." No, not the movie. Look at the dude's picture on his website. If the feathered hair does not tell you that he is stuck in the 80s, then the collar on his shirt does!
7. Apollo Business Development? Isn't Apollo from the 60s? Or did the Apollo theater give him the idea? Oh wait, that is not around either. Is there anything still around called Apollo? Anything? Bueller?
6. He was named "Technolawyer Legal Technology Consultant of the Year." Isn't that like being named Head Dungeon Master of the Year? Or maybe it is "Longest Title of the Year Winner of a Contest Sponsored by a Company who Wants Their Name in the Title of the Award and gave it to the Winner of the Company Named Award?" Just wondering.
5. He "conducts market assessments?" The key to this is closely reading the first three letters of the last word in quotes. Isn't that a bit like making an assumption? Here is a market assessment: consumers use Avvo. Thus, attorneys should use Avvo. Dang it - now I gave it away for free. You all owe me $15,000 for my market assessment. Make checks payable to "Thank Goodness I don't call myself a business development advisor or I would shoot myself."
4. He uses the word "Rainmaker" in a sentence when not quoting from John Grisham. Really, does anyone use the word "Rainmaker" if you are a real conversation? Do normal people use that word? Of course not. Heck, most attorneys do not use it.
3. He quotes from an article with a guy who wants to sue someone - immediately. Okay, I understand there is a time and place to sue people. After all, it is what I do. But, I try to resolve disputes in a friendly way first. The guy who BVDine quotes starts with talking about suing people. Sheesh. Don't we have enough lawsuits? (Oh, memo to attorney who wants to sue Avvo: if you have been disciplined, even if you have "resolved it," the public has a right to know.)
2. He has no idea what most of the lawyers in this country do yet professes to tell us. Look, he has consulted with 3,000 attorney firms down to 25 member "boutique" firms. Great for all of those people with money to throw away. Voipdine apparently does not realize that most attorneys in this country are solo and small firm practitioners. That means 5 attorneys and under. Yet, he, who has never worked with us based on his own website, is going to tell us that a tool that a lot of use and like has no credibility? Isn't that like me telling George Clooney how to play Danny Ocean in Ocean's 14?
1. He is jealous. He is just upset that he did not come up with this first. How can you tell? Because he thinks people care what he thinks. He thinks it is important to tell people HIS opinion. Dude, your opinion isn't worth the paper it is written on. Oh wait, you are too cool to write. I am sure you dictate. It is not worth the MP3 file it is saved in.
I feel better now.
EDIT: Bonus Coverage: This is like watching March Madness and then there is a close game somewhere else and they cut away:
0. Bodine feels Americans are lazy. Per Bovine's blog: "America needs to wake up and stop being lazy...." Really? We do. Hey Lar, can I call you Lar?, come spend a day with my laziness. I am sure you will find that I am just a lazy bum. I prefer you come on a Friday - sparring day! But, you could come on a day like today where I worked all day and then went and taught taekwondo lessons. I am sure I am lazy. I know, I am the exception, not the rule? Right. If you think we are lazy, go find your clients elsewhere.
-1. Bodine frequently finds use of the N word funny. No, not that N word. The N word that describes Hitler's regime. Apparently, there is some joke he found about Bush Bimbo, er, Limbaugh, and Nazis. Of course, he also thinks the best elevator speech ever answers the question of what you do for a living with "I am a Nazi medical researcher." Really? That's funny. I know, Bopuke is going to say that he has Jewish blood in him. Oh, by the way, there is no such thing as "Jewish blood." It is a religion - not a nationality. But it is not funny. Never. Ever. If you think that is funny you are a bigger moron than the douche who questioned by parenting skills while going in to a tanning salon!
I believe the consensus is in: Larry Bodine is to lawyers like Scott Boras is to baseball agents - he thinks he is better than he is and most of the people he works with cannot stand him.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
What is the problem with lawyers?
Seriously. This is not a set up for a joke. What the heck is wrong with lawyers? Are we dumb? Stupid? Or do we have a God complex?
First, we have that dweeb from yesterday. He walked in with his sunglasses. On a rainy day. Sure, not a huge deal. But, his **** stinks like the rest of us. Don't think you are that cool.
Second, I have to deal with some numnuts who is in law school and gives out legal advice on a website. He tells people they have rights that just do not exist. His screen name ends in "JD". Um, news flash - JD stands for Juris Doctor. Especially when you tell people you study the law. If you have not graduated, you are not a JD. You may be a JD candidate, but you are not a JD. Oh, and suddenly blaming it on some mysterious partner is BS.
Then, I have to deal with a "law group" that does not disclose that the guy with the most experienced has been disciplined 3 times by the state bar for practicing while he was not authorized to practice law. That is called a no-no. Oh, and the state bar keeps suspending him and staying the suspension. Really? Is that the best we can do? The state bar is supposed to protect the public. If some guy who has a law license cannot figure out THREE times that he cannot practice while he is suspended, then he should be out. It is like baseball. Or committing felonies in the state of California. Three strikes and you are out.
Next, I get a call from a potential client who was told by another law firm that he had to hire them while he was on the phone and could not talk to his wife. It was a limited time offer. What? Is this Ron Freaking Popeil's law firm? If you call now, do you also get a free will? Or do they give you a Ginsu knife? Is there a guarantee? What the hell is that? A limited time offer? This is not Boiler Room with Giovanni Ribbisi or Two for the Money with Matthew McConaughey. It is the practice of law. It is a profession. It is supposed to be respected.
Finally, a law firm asked for authorization to get money directly from a client's account and had him record his approval. WTF? If a client pays me, it is with a check. A real, live check. Why would I want to have access to his account? Why do I need it? Even with a wire transfer, I do not need access to the sender's account. That makes you a used car salesman, or worse, a debt collector.
But, really, do we expect the public to respect us when we cannot even follow basic conventions of society? We are not better than our clients or anyone else. We happen to have gone to school for longer. That is it. I know plenty of people who have degrees and are dumb as a rock. I also know plenty of people who have no degree and are smarter than half of my law school class. Lawyer are people who are supposed to be professionals. We are not snake oil salesmen. We are not offering one time deals. We are offering to provide people with information, advice and counsel. Hence the expression "counselor at law."
This makes me sick. Really. The legal profession needs to be cleaned up.
First, we have that dweeb from yesterday. He walked in with his sunglasses. On a rainy day. Sure, not a huge deal. But, his **** stinks like the rest of us. Don't think you are that cool.
Second, I have to deal with some numnuts who is in law school and gives out legal advice on a website. He tells people they have rights that just do not exist. His screen name ends in "JD". Um, news flash - JD stands for Juris Doctor. Especially when you tell people you study the law. If you have not graduated, you are not a JD. You may be a JD candidate, but you are not a JD. Oh, and suddenly blaming it on some mysterious partner is BS.
Then, I have to deal with a "law group" that does not disclose that the guy with the most experienced has been disciplined 3 times by the state bar for practicing while he was not authorized to practice law. That is called a no-no. Oh, and the state bar keeps suspending him and staying the suspension. Really? Is that the best we can do? The state bar is supposed to protect the public. If some guy who has a law license cannot figure out THREE times that he cannot practice while he is suspended, then he should be out. It is like baseball. Or committing felonies in the state of California. Three strikes and you are out.
Next, I get a call from a potential client who was told by another law firm that he had to hire them while he was on the phone and could not talk to his wife. It was a limited time offer. What? Is this Ron Freaking Popeil's law firm? If you call now, do you also get a free will? Or do they give you a Ginsu knife? Is there a guarantee? What the hell is that? A limited time offer? This is not Boiler Room with Giovanni Ribbisi or Two for the Money with Matthew McConaughey. It is the practice of law. It is a profession. It is supposed to be respected.
Finally, a law firm asked for authorization to get money directly from a client's account and had him record his approval. WTF? If a client pays me, it is with a check. A real, live check. Why would I want to have access to his account? Why do I need it? Even with a wire transfer, I do not need access to the sender's account. That makes you a used car salesman, or worse, a debt collector.
But, really, do we expect the public to respect us when we cannot even follow basic conventions of society? We are not better than our clients or anyone else. We happen to have gone to school for longer. That is it. I know plenty of people who have degrees and are dumb as a rock. I also know plenty of people who have no degree and are smarter than half of my law school class. Lawyer are people who are supposed to be professionals. We are not snake oil salesmen. We are not offering one time deals. We are offering to provide people with information, advice and counsel. Hence the expression "counselor at law."
This makes me sick. Really. The legal profession needs to be cleaned up.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Legal Blogger is a Moron
So there is a legal blogger who thinks that attorneys should not market. That is dumb. Not marketing a business is like not selling a product. It makes no business sense. So, here are my comments to this so-called expert. (By the way, I am an attorney and will comment about what other attorneys do and say. Attorneys are easy fodder, but hey, I need material sometimes.) (Note there are some bad words, but those are mostly bleeped out with "-".)
1. Anyone who uses the word blawgosphere is a douchebawg. (If you didn’t laugh at this, stop reading here.) First, it’s a blog. If you think your f-ing blog is special because its about law, you are a pretentious SOB who thinks your s don’t stink. (Fill in the blanks people.) A blog is a blog is a blog and I don’t care if its about a legal issue, little Bobby pooping in the toilet or how to become environmentally conscious. If you think you need to differentiate your blog because you are a lawyer, you have no freaking clue about how the rest of the world views you. Second, its not a blawgosphere. Its not a blogosphere. Its not a sphere of any kind. You are a blogger. Just like me. Just like thousands of other people. And you are one of 1000s of bloggers. And no one thinks you are special. Hell, I might start a blog for my 7 year old. After all, he can put together a sentence even if it reads a bit strange lacking a verb.
2. This dumbass doesn’t understand business at all. I don’t know him. I don’t know his blog. I don’t read blogs. Sorry to disappoint you. But between work, maintaining my own blogs, which has slipped a bit, playing soccer, coaching soccer, refereeing soccer, being on the soccer board, going to taekwondo class because I want to get my black belt and having 10 rounds of sparring with some badasses , taking care of my wife, dealing with my three kids, suing my f-ing school district because some POS psychologist who has a bad die job (and hes a guy) and thinks a combover looks good thinks my doesn't need services, and trying to maintain a social life, ncluding with the guy who kisses my wife when he sees her, I don’t have time to read blogs. And the ones I want to read would be limited. Why? Because some people are funny! This guy is not!! Otherwise, I care about what this dweeb has to say about as much as I care who is starting for the Sacramento Kings – not at all. Even if I did read blogs, I wouldn’t read this crap. Dude reminds me of listening to my dad yell at MBAs on CNBC who thought they were smarter than people who run businesses. This guy thinks because he has some idea how to run a criminal defense practice in NYC, someone should care what he thinks about how the rest of us run our businesses. I have a model I follow that is completely non-legal related. It works for me because I run it like a business. I accept that it doesn’t work for most people. But don’t sit in your office with your porn star wannabe mustache and tell me that you don’t like marketing. I don’t care if you like my toilet paper – if I want your opinion, I either know it because you are a friend or I will give it to you.
3. You want to make personal attacks on my buddy? (This guy made personal attacks about a friend of mine who is involved in marketing.) Do it to his face. Don’t do it on a blog. But, I should remind him that .us is generally not an acceptable extension for law firms and makes lawyer subject to discipline, at least where I am licensed. Yet, he thinks he is smart enough to go attack someone. Really?
4. Dude is compensating for something. Maybe its his bad haircut – again. Maybe its his mustache. Maybe its his lack of size. I don’t know, but first he writes “That’s right. We bad. Kinda.” Seriously? We bad is reserved for people who are actually badasses. My taekwondo instructor, Chuck Liddell, Randy Couture, Urijah Faber (up until last week). This guy is about as bad as untreated jock itch. That’s it. Then he says “Kinda.” Did his kid get left behind? (It’s a reference to No Child Left Behind, for those of you who miss it.) Kinda ain't a word which is why it gets the fancy red underlining when I type it in my blog. He is clearly attempting to make people think he is cool. Cool is. Cool cannot be created. I can walk into a room with 3 bodyguards in a nice suit and make it rain. That don’t mean I am cool. In fact, it just means I want to be cool. Clearly he does not get this.
This guy is another reason why people hate lawyers!
1. Anyone who uses the word blawgosphere is a douchebawg. (If you didn’t laugh at this, stop reading here.) First, it’s a blog. If you think your f-ing blog is special because its about law, you are a pretentious SOB who thinks your s don’t stink. (Fill in the blanks people.) A blog is a blog is a blog and I don’t care if its about a legal issue, little Bobby pooping in the toilet or how to become environmentally conscious. If you think you need to differentiate your blog because you are a lawyer, you have no freaking clue about how the rest of the world views you. Second, its not a blawgosphere. Its not a blogosphere. Its not a sphere of any kind. You are a blogger. Just like me. Just like thousands of other people. And you are one of 1000s of bloggers. And no one thinks you are special. Hell, I might start a blog for my 7 year old. After all, he can put together a sentence even if it reads a bit strange lacking a verb.
2. This dumbass doesn’t understand business at all. I don’t know him. I don’t know his blog. I don’t read blogs. Sorry to disappoint you. But between work, maintaining my own blogs, which has slipped a bit, playing soccer, coaching soccer, refereeing soccer, being on the soccer board, going to taekwondo class because I want to get my black belt and having 10 rounds of sparring with some badasses , taking care of my wife, dealing with my three kids, suing my f-ing school district because some POS psychologist who has a bad die job (and hes a guy) and thinks a combover looks good thinks my doesn't need services, and trying to maintain a social life, ncluding with the guy who kisses my wife when he sees her, I don’t have time to read blogs. And the ones I want to read would be limited. Why? Because some people are funny! This guy is not!! Otherwise, I care about what this dweeb has to say about as much as I care who is starting for the Sacramento Kings – not at all. Even if I did read blogs, I wouldn’t read this crap. Dude reminds me of listening to my dad yell at MBAs on CNBC who thought they were smarter than people who run businesses. This guy thinks because he has some idea how to run a criminal defense practice in NYC, someone should care what he thinks about how the rest of us run our businesses. I have a model I follow that is completely non-legal related. It works for me because I run it like a business. I accept that it doesn’t work for most people. But don’t sit in your office with your porn star wannabe mustache and tell me that you don’t like marketing. I don’t care if you like my toilet paper – if I want your opinion, I either know it because you are a friend or I will give it to you.
3. You want to make personal attacks on my buddy? (This guy made personal attacks about a friend of mine who is involved in marketing.) Do it to his face. Don’t do it on a blog. But, I should remind him that .us is generally not an acceptable extension for law firms and makes lawyer subject to discipline, at least where I am licensed. Yet, he thinks he is smart enough to go attack someone. Really?
4. Dude is compensating for something. Maybe its his bad haircut – again. Maybe its his mustache. Maybe its his lack of size. I don’t know, but first he writes “That’s right. We bad. Kinda.” Seriously? We bad is reserved for people who are actually badasses. My taekwondo instructor, Chuck Liddell, Randy Couture, Urijah Faber (up until last week). This guy is about as bad as untreated jock itch. That’s it. Then he says “Kinda.” Did his kid get left behind? (It’s a reference to No Child Left Behind, for those of you who miss it.) Kinda ain't a word which is why it gets the fancy red underlining when I type it in my blog. He is clearly attempting to make people think he is cool. Cool is. Cool cannot be created. I can walk into a room with 3 bodyguards in a nice suit and make it rain. That don’t mean I am cool. In fact, it just means I want to be cool. Clearly he does not get this.
This guy is another reason why people hate lawyers!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
ServicestoLawyers
You need some background for this rant. These folks claim to provide, as their name implies, services to lawyers. But they spam lawyers repeatedly, in my opinion. After asking repeatedly to be removed from their list, they emailed me again. Jesse Levine, who calls himself the CEO and "Head Guru" (I am not making that title up), sent me an email wanting to know what he was missing about personal injury attorneys. So here is my response to him.
(By the way, bonus points for finding the pop culture references.)
You should can the program. In fact, in my opinion, you should can all of your programs. Should I tell you why? I mean, after all, you are just trying to figure out where you have gone wrong.
Milwaukee
San Francisco
(By the way, bonus points for finding the pop culture references.)
You should can the program. In fact, in my opinion, you should can all of your programs. Should I tell you why? I mean, after all, you are just trying to figure out where you have gone wrong.
What you fail to recognize, despite your numerous attempts at witty commentary, is that people looking for a mass tort attorney generally do not have other friends who have mass torts claims. I guess if they all visit the local CVS to get their prescriptions, then they might. I guess Mirapex users could have met other Mirapex users while they were compulsively striping and exchanged information on attorneys there. However, I would assume this is the exception, and not the rule. Mass tort plaintiffs have turned to the internet, or the Law Offices of James Sokolove (Admitted in MA and NY, but affiliated with attorneys nationwide), to find attorneys. They use chat rooms and the like.
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