Legal Marketers

I interrupt this work day to bring you a rant.......a rant about people who want to get me more work. Or, so they claim. I think they really just want to get more money in their pockets. Why do I think that? Because its true.

Like any profession, there is good and bad. Good cops and bad cops. Good lawyers and bad lawyers. Good drug......no wait, only bad drug dealers. But you get the idea, right? There is good and bad in everything. Let me go through the bad first.

There are two people who give lawyer marketing a bad reputation. Really bad. How bad are they? I would rather be called an ambulance chaser than be associated with these two. I would rather be called a snake oil salesman than be associated with these two. I would rather...........well, you get the idea. After all, my blog readers, all 4 of you, are smart!

Stephen Fairley and David Barrett should be renamed Double Trouble. Wasn't that a video game in the 80s? No that was Double Dragon. Good game. I could never beat it. But they had some wicked (for my northeastern readers) karate moves. Anyway, I got an email from Fairley last week. Trust me when I tell you that my third grader understands better use of punctuation and capitalization. Shall I show you? Do you actually dare me? Do you think I would make up something like that without proof? Do I look like I use hyperbole? Okay, fine, here goes:

"I'm Sick And Tired Of The Government Offering Stimulus Packages To Everyone Except Those Who Need It The Most"

Seriously? That is what you have for me? I am supposed to pay you almost $1,000 for your "retreat" and you write with the first letter of each word capitalized. Seriously? Dude, my 3rd grader knows you don't do that. Heck, my cute little kindergartener knows that you do not do that. I think I met a 4 year old who knows not to do that.

Now this is bad. But, wait there is more. Or, as he puts it, there is a B*O*N*U*S. Seriously, are we in third grade or something? What the heck is up with the little "*" between every letter? Does that make it stand out more? Or does it make your idiocy stand out more? I mean, I feel dirty after reading that. It is like I received a note from a 7th grade girl. I need to go shower.

Anyway, dude fake twitters you. Ever notice that you are being followed on twitter by some nice looking woman? And then ever go read her posts? They all read about the same way: "RAINMAKER is the best" and "It is so big at the RAINMAKER." First, why do you need to fake twitter people? I know, I am going to start calling that "pulling a dumbarse" instead of calling it "pulling a Fairley" since I don't want to give dude that much respect. Second, compensating much? I know I just need one twitter account to keep people updated. I don't need like 10. To me, having 10 twitter accounts is like driving an H3 - you must be lacking in some department.

Now, you can't take Fairley by himself. That would be so unFairley like. Fairley has a partner in crime. A boy wonder if you will. A Robin. His name is David Barrett. And he is "THE WORLD'S MOST LINKEDIN LAWYER.........." (Okay, for that to be funny, go back and read it as if you were the guy who does the intro for the Superheros cartoons.) Yes, dude is the world's most linkedin lawyer.

I am pretty sure most of my non-lawyer readers, both of you, will not even know what Linked In is. Heck, most lawyers don't know what it is. And of those of us who do, 8 out of 10 don't care. The other 2 care because they made some money off of Linked In and think they can do it again. I guess I should have reduced my fraction to 4 out of 5, but then I feel like a toothpaste commercial. And what does this Linked In lawyer do? Good question. If you find out, will you let me know?

I know. He sends Spam Links. (Spam on Linked In, get it?) I get more crap on Linked In from this one guy then I do from everyone else combined. And I am not even "linked" with him. I dumped him after he offended me. Again. No, instead he joins every lawyer group known to Linked In and spams the groups. Do you know how obnoxious spam is? Take that and multiply it by 10 because it is from a lawyer. Then multiply it by another 100 because it is from some guy who, best as I can tell, makes his living being linked to other people. That would be like some guy being famous because his wife had 8 kids and they couldn't raise them. Oh wait, that does happen. Sorry.

I guess because you can link to a lot of people you know something about marketing. That would be like me claiming I know something about sewing because I watch a lot of sewing. Really, I do. My wife and her friend sew and I watch. I guess I can now teach people how to sew because I saw it a lot. Just because you can connect to people through some website does not mean you can teach me how to market a law firm!

Seriously, if this is the future of legal marketing we are in trouble, folks. The legal profession is going to go the way of newspapers. We are doomed. If it takes spam and fake twitter accounts and being linked to people through some made up website to market to lawyers and you are going to teach those lawyers how to market, you need to get a clue. That is not marketing. That is called "get rich quick." Although, I would guess that they haven't gotten rich since I keep getting their crap.

Good, ethical lawyer marketing can be done. Want proof? Go see Mark Merenda at Smart Marketing or Allison Sheilds at LegalEase Consulting, Ben Glass at Great Legal Marketing, Jay Fleischmann at LegalPracticePro or Grant Griffiths at G2Webmedia. It can be done. I promise. But stop with the spam. Stop with the grandiose titles. Stop with the fake offers. Stop with all of that nonsense.

By the way, I know this will get back to these two, as well as to some of these other fake marketers. Those who know me well know I don't just sit and hide behind my computer. You think I am wrong? I will debate anyone, anytime, anywhere about ethical, honest lawyer marketing. As Kirsten Dunst would say "Bring it on."

Twitter and Facebook, Oh My!

I thought I was pretty tech savvy. After all, in high school, I was a computer tech. Just after graduation, I went to work for a company selling computers. In college, I was a computer science major for a while and then worked for a pharmaceutical company in the IT department. But, I admit that I don't get a few things about computers these days.

Twitter. Yep, I don't get twitter. I had someone tell me today that she was being interviewed via twitter. No, actually, she told me she was having a twitterview. A WTFview? What is a twitterview? Apparently it is when a tweep says twello on in twitterverse via a tweet and you respond with a tweetsup (different from a tweetup) in twitterverse and this goes twiton and twiton. For those of you like me who prefer to speak English, a twitterview is not when a twit interviews you or you interview a twit. A twitterview is when you interview someone on twitter. I still don't understand how you interview someone in 140 character statements. There seems to me to be no way to get any flow. It would go something like this:

Q: wat r u doing these days wit your biz?
A: my biz is doing well since i began mktg with u.
Q: how has ur mktg changed since u hird me?
A: i know say things in 140 char or less.

I mean, seriously, does anyone know what I just said? I don't know if I know what I just said and I made it up. And, for those regular readers, this is worse than my Chiller parody of Michael The-Gloved-Wonder-Hair-Caught-On-Fire-Wacko-Used-To-Have-A-Nose-Slept-With-Boys-In-Bed-But-Didnt-Molest-Anyone Jackson. (Fit that on twitter you twitaholics.) Its like people on twitter want their own language. Wait, I have seen this before. Maybe the twitter folks are the some knuckleheads who blawg instead of blog. Just a thought.

Then there is Facebook. I thought Facebook was a place to talk to friends, get caught up, and generally waste time. I get that. But then people do stuff on Facebook and it makes me think "Do your brain cells stop working when you sign on to Facebook?"

Of course, there is the friending people you dont know. Wait, first there is friending and defriending people. We have to make up words to deal with this? Okay, but once we do, why would you want to be friends with my friends? And why would you want to be friends with my female friends? And then why would you want to be friends with my female friends' daughters? That is just creepy. Really creepy. Like call in my friend the professional badarse creepy.

And then why do you want to argue with my friends? I mean, my friend comments on something I write. You comment. Then you responded to my friend who you don't know? Then you argue with said friend? Why? Then, after a while, and I mean like an hour, you delete all of your posts so my friend appears to have been arguing with himself? First, why do you are that much what my friend says about what I wrote? Heck, why do you care what I wrote? I don't really care what I wrote. Second, why do you respond? You don't know the person. You haven't met her. Why does it matter? Third, why do you then spend time removing your comments? Does it matter that much? Does anyone actually care what is put on Facebook? Unreal.

Folks, relax a bit. Its a website. And a website with games. And you care what people you don't know are saying? If you are riding the subway, do you listen to what the person next to you says and comment to them? Probably not. So don't comment on Facebook.

This "social media" stuff really is unsocial. People do things on these websites that they would not do in person. We don't make up words. We don't talk in 140 characters. We don't comment on things with people we don't know. We don't care that much what people around us are doing. How about we get back to social norms and we start talking to people, stop making stuff up, and start being nice. Well, except to debt collectors and landlord attorneys who dont think the law applies to them.

Lawyers and Being a Lawyer

Okay, a few things I have to get off my chest. It has been a long two days of being a lawyer. Now, you non-lawyers don't make fun. That is like 2 weeks in normal living. In fact, when I am not working, I actually get younger because I don't have to deal with this nonsense.

1. Rhyming ads - WTF? Seriously, are we in 6th grade English learning to write poems. I mean, we could do the Haiku:

Practicing law
You should call our law firm first
We are the greatest

Or maybe we can break out a limerick:

There once was a lawyer in Roseville,
His members were so short they took a pill,
They saw everything blue instead of green,
And they stole potential clients claiming other lawyers were mean.

Or how about Roses are Red:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a family to be fed,
And I will beat up other attorneys with Kung fu.

I mean, seriously, there are law firms that try this. There is a law firm here with a three line rhyming ad.

For the best advice,
Please dont eat mice,
We can get money from rice.

Okay, so maybe it is not that bad, but it might as well be. These guys rhyme! Like 6th graders. No, wait, 6th graders would do a better job. Maybe something like this:

We have only been investigated by the FBI once,
We are as tall as runts,
And people think we are BLEEP! (Sorry, that was inappropriate!)

I mean, they think its a good ad. And everyone in town laughs at them. But they won't change it. Unfreakingbelievable.

2. Blawgtweet - Okay, disclaimer, I know the guy who uses twitter as @blawgtweet and he is a friend of mine. That being said, and he knows I feel this way, @blawgtweet? Really? Let's break it down.

Blawg? What is a blawg? I know, it is a blog about law. I guess I should write the Calawifornia Law Blawg. Or maybe the Lawsiana Law Blawg. Or how about Lawrry's Lawctating Law Blawg, a blog from Larry about lactation law. Blawg sounds like what you do when you have drunk too much and you are worshiping the porcelain thrown. Not that I have ever experienced that on New Year's Eve, but it is what I have heard.

And tweet? Tweet? It sounds like where you milk a cow. Happy cows come from California and their tweets aren't pulled too hard. Er, sorry. I mean, I think Pamela Anderson had some really big tweets. Dang it, not that either.

But, really, blawgtweet? ARGH! It hurts my eyes to just look at that word. It is my goal between now and 2010 to ban the word blawg from the English language. I mean, next we are going to start spelling centre, colour, Kalifornia, Rut Beer, and my house will have ruuf!

3. Morons - The legal profession seems to have more than its fair share of these. Just because you graduated from law school does not mean you are smart. It does not mean that you have any clue as to what goes on in the world. And if you went to a big fancy law school, it really doesn't mean you are smarter than anyone else. It usually just means that mom and dad had some money to grease some palms. And yes, I am talking about you Ralph Malph. You know who you are. Stop it. People have lives outside of the law. People have other things more important than litigation. People don't care about you and your garbage litigation. Let people live their lives and then they can provide you with what you think you need.

Oh, and did I mention that just because you went to law school does not mean you are smarter than anyone else? Because you are not. Really. I promise.