I care about this. Trust me. I do. It is important to me. It is deeply important to me. I have been contemplating this for a week. Yes, Alison, a week. It is as important to me as the President of the United States. It is as important as the spray on mobile tan dude who is a perv. Even if some of you doubt me, and you know who you are, this is an issue that is vitally important to this country.
What is it? Facebook. What is the deal with Facebook? Well, it is not really Facebook that I have an issue with. It is Facebook users. Specifically, a few specific types of users. These people should be taken off Facebook for at least 60 days - maybe 60 years. Of course, in 60 days Facebook could be as useless as MySpace, or worse, as AOL. Does anyone really use AOL anymore? Of course, at least AOL still exists. My dad was sure Prodigy would take off. That might be the biggest mistake he made! Anyway, Facebook users who should be banned:
1. The bad profile picture. I don't just mean a bad picture. I mean the picture that says "I think this is an online dating website." Or worse, the picture that says "I think I should be a porn star." You know, the picture that is cropped so you see the face or the chest or the ........ The picture where someone has that coy "Come hither big boy" smile. The picture where the person has that "I want it and I want it now" look. YUCK! Look, I don't really care if you are looking for a date. I don't care if your girlfriend or boyfriend or your eunuch or hermaphrodite doesn't put out. I am not going to either. If you want to put up a picture like that, try Craigslist or the back of your local free weekly or Match.com. Trust me. And that will save us from having to look at it.
2. The quoteaholic. Okay, your Facebook status can be a lot of things: funny, dumb, lame, ridiculous, a statement about what you are doing. But does every status have to be a quote. "To be or not to be." "Love is a battlefield." "Do wa ditty, ditty dum ditty do." "I love you sweatshirt, redhooded, sweatshirt, sham a lam a ding dong." I think I could do a whole blog of quotes. Just quote after quote after quote. But what does that say, other than I know how to use Google? There are something like 21,000,000 websites with famous quotes. So, I can Google and pick them out. (By the way, every quote in here is something I knew without looking up.) Really, it gets old. Stop with the freaking quotes. We don't want them. Maybe a gem once in a while, but not every freaking update. Please?
3. The religious updates. I get that some people are religious. Some people think everything is done by God. I get it. I just read a good book about Liberty University, The Unlikely Disciple. Good book. Go read it. Now. Order it on Amazon. Or email me and ask for my copy. Really. www.kevinroose.com. Anyway, I digress. There is something new. If you want to update your profile with religious quotes, spiritual texts, etc... than go get a page on Myspace for Christians. Yes, it exists. I get it. I take no position on religion. At least not on the blog. It is fine. But its not for everyone and don't put it on your blog everyday. Please? For those of us who may not be as religious as you. Please?
Am I really asking for much? Can we institute a 60 day ban on these things? Please? And can you please update your picture? It doesn't have to be G rated, but how about PG13? Please? I don't want to see any more skin on my friends than absolutely necessary and that is very little!
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Twitter and Facebook, Oh My!
I thought I was pretty tech savvy. After all, in high school, I was a computer tech. Just after graduation, I went to work for a company selling computers. In college, I was a computer science major for a while and then worked for a pharmaceutical company in the IT department. But, I admit that I don't get a few things about computers these days.
Twitter. Yep, I don't get twitter. I had someone tell me today that she was being interviewed via twitter. No, actually, she told me she was having a twitterview. A WTFview? What is a twitterview? Apparently it is when a tweep says twello on in twitterverse via a tweet and you respond with a tweetsup (different from a tweetup) in twitterverse and this goes twiton and twiton. For those of you like me who prefer to speak English, a twitterview is not when a twit interviews you or you interview a twit. A twitterview is when you interview someone on twitter. I still don't understand how you interview someone in 140 character statements. There seems to me to be no way to get any flow. It would go something like this:
Q: wat r u doing these days wit your biz?
A: my biz is doing well since i began mktg with u.
Q: how has ur mktg changed since u hird me?
A: i know say things in 140 char or less.
I mean, seriously, does anyone know what I just said? I don't know if I know what I just said and I made it up. And, for those regular readers, this is worse than my Chiller parody of Michael The-Gloved-Wonder-Hair-Caught-On-Fire-Wacko-Used-To-Have-A-Nose-Slept-With-Boys-In-Bed-But-Didnt-Molest-Anyone Jackson. (Fit that on twitter you twitaholics.) Its like people on twitter want their own language. Wait, I have seen this before. Maybe the twitter folks are the some knuckleheads who blawg instead of blog. Just a thought.
Then there is Facebook. I thought Facebook was a place to talk to friends, get caught up, and generally waste time. I get that. But then people do stuff on Facebook and it makes me think "Do your brain cells stop working when you sign on to Facebook?"
Of course, there is the friending people you dont know. Wait, first there is friending and defriending people. We have to make up words to deal with this? Okay, but once we do, why would you want to be friends with my friends? And why would you want to be friends with my female friends? And then why would you want to be friends with my female friends' daughters? That is just creepy. Really creepy. Like call in my friend the professional badarse creepy.
And then why do you want to argue with my friends? I mean, my friend comments on something I write. You comment. Then you responded to my friend who you don't know? Then you argue with said friend? Why? Then, after a while, and I mean like an hour, you delete all of your posts so my friend appears to have been arguing with himself? First, why do you are that much what my friend says about what I wrote? Heck, why do you care what I wrote? I don't really care what I wrote. Second, why do you respond? You don't know the person. You haven't met her. Why does it matter? Third, why do you then spend time removing your comments? Does it matter that much? Does anyone actually care what is put on Facebook? Unreal.
Folks, relax a bit. Its a website. And a website with games. And you care what people you don't know are saying? If you are riding the subway, do you listen to what the person next to you says and comment to them? Probably not. So don't comment on Facebook.
This "social media" stuff really is unsocial. People do things on these websites that they would not do in person. We don't make up words. We don't talk in 140 characters. We don't comment on things with people we don't know. We don't care that much what people around us are doing. How about we get back to social norms and we start talking to people, stop making stuff up, and start being nice. Well, except to debt collectors and landlord attorneys who dont think the law applies to them.
Twitter. Yep, I don't get twitter. I had someone tell me today that she was being interviewed via twitter. No, actually, she told me she was having a twitterview. A WTFview? What is a twitterview? Apparently it is when a tweep says twello on in twitterverse via a tweet and you respond with a tweetsup (different from a tweetup) in twitterverse and this goes twiton and twiton. For those of you like me who prefer to speak English, a twitterview is not when a twit interviews you or you interview a twit. A twitterview is when you interview someone on twitter. I still don't understand how you interview someone in 140 character statements. There seems to me to be no way to get any flow. It would go something like this:
Q: wat r u doing these days wit your biz?
A: my biz is doing well since i began mktg with u.
Q: how has ur mktg changed since u hird me?
A: i know say things in 140 char or less.
I mean, seriously, does anyone know what I just said? I don't know if I know what I just said and I made it up. And, for those regular readers, this is worse than my Chiller parody of Michael The-Gloved-Wonder-Hair-Caught-On-Fire-Wacko-Used-To-Have-A-Nose-Slept-With-Boys-In-Bed-But-Didnt-Molest-Anyone Jackson. (Fit that on twitter you twitaholics.) Its like people on twitter want their own language. Wait, I have seen this before. Maybe the twitter folks are the some knuckleheads who blawg instead of blog. Just a thought.
Then there is Facebook. I thought Facebook was a place to talk to friends, get caught up, and generally waste time. I get that. But then people do stuff on Facebook and it makes me think "Do your brain cells stop working when you sign on to Facebook?"
Of course, there is the friending people you dont know. Wait, first there is friending and defriending people. We have to make up words to deal with this? Okay, but once we do, why would you want to be friends with my friends? And why would you want to be friends with my female friends? And then why would you want to be friends with my female friends' daughters? That is just creepy. Really creepy. Like call in my friend the professional badarse creepy.
And then why do you want to argue with my friends? I mean, my friend comments on something I write. You comment. Then you responded to my friend who you don't know? Then you argue with said friend? Why? Then, after a while, and I mean like an hour, you delete all of your posts so my friend appears to have been arguing with himself? First, why do you are that much what my friend says about what I wrote? Heck, why do you care what I wrote? I don't really care what I wrote. Second, why do you respond? You don't know the person. You haven't met her. Why does it matter? Third, why do you then spend time removing your comments? Does it matter that much? Does anyone actually care what is put on Facebook? Unreal.
Folks, relax a bit. Its a website. And a website with games. And you care what people you don't know are saying? If you are riding the subway, do you listen to what the person next to you says and comment to them? Probably not. So don't comment on Facebook.
This "social media" stuff really is unsocial. People do things on these websites that they would not do in person. We don't make up words. We don't talk in 140 characters. We don't comment on things with people we don't know. We don't care that much what people around us are doing. How about we get back to social norms and we start talking to people, stop making stuff up, and start being nice. Well, except to debt collectors and landlord attorneys who dont think the law applies to them.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
A few quick thoughts on a Wednesday
I have a few quick thoughts on a Wednesday.
1. How come the big boneded people are driving the Mini? Not just the Mini, but the Miata, any Kia, the small Hyundai, maybe a Yugo. I mean, shouldn't some common sense come into play. If you weigh half the weight of the Mini, should you really be being a Mini? Can't you upgrade to say a Regular? Or, if you are like that guy in Mexico, maybe a Maxi? There needs to be a rule about this: you cannot buy a car that you have to squeeze in to and be sucked out of by a tornado.
2. Why do people take Facebook quizzes? Do I really need to answer questions about my eyes? Hazel. Or do I need to tell you my sign? Virgo. I mean, really, do I need to answer a question about my favorite movie? Victory. Update: Sneakers too, but only because I am being made fun of by two people as I write this. I do not want to tell you that my color is blue. I should not have to answer a question about what beer is my personality. Guiness, clearly. I just don't get it. Why do you care? If you know me, you would know that I would be a soccer cleat. And if you do not know me, why are you a friend on Facebook anyway? Oh, and if you are on Facebook, do not put your freaking twitter post on Facebook.
3. Why do people slurp coffee? Loudly. Its loud. Its annoying. It may be more annoying than me running my mouth on the soccer game. Seriously. If your coffee is that hot, DO NOT DRINK IT. Or, here is an idea, let it cool off. Or, ask for it a bit cooler. I know that your Starbucks is not that hot. You just want the freaking attention. Oh, and if you need that attention, you are not that hot, lady. Trust me on this. And the dude who slurps should be taken out back and whooped. A lot. Take off your pink shirt and stop slurping, Billy or Bobby or whatever "y" name you go by.
4. I understand women want to wear panties - once in a while. Lets just get this out of the way: guys like it when you go commando. Well, when most of you go commando. Some of you should not go commando. But, if you are going to wear panties, do we really need to see your pantilines? I mean, that is why we created thongs. If your pants are that tight, throw on a pair of thongs. Or, and here is an idea, don't wear pants that tight. A little room between the skin and the pants is not a bad thing. I promise. And if you decide to go the thong route, do we really need to see them coming out the top of your pants? Can you pull your freaking pants up or slide your thong down a bit? Seeing the top of your thong is not attractive. At all. Ever. Never. Never, ever, ever. I promise.
5. There is a reason I do not run a restaurant for a living, but can the restaurants do something about their freaking seating? When you go in to a restaurant and there is no one else there, why do they seat you in the middle? And then, the next couple comes in, and they seat them right next to you. And the next couple - right on the other side of you. Dude you have a 3,000 square foot restaurant, can you spread them out a bit? Just a bit. Like, maybe there should be a rule like guys have. When we go in to the bathroom, we use every other urinal. Two guys go in and there are three urinals. They leave open the middle urinal. Its a rule. The same should apply in a restaurant. Leave open the table between us. I don't want someone right freaking next to me - especially the loud, older couple who forgot their hearing aids and are yelling at each other "PASS THE BUTTER! No, DON'T PASS GAS, PASS THE BUTTER!" I don't need to hear that during my 30 or 45 minute dinner. Please? Just once.
Okay, off to go talk to my pregnant wife.
1. How come the big boneded people are driving the Mini? Not just the Mini, but the Miata, any Kia, the small Hyundai, maybe a Yugo. I mean, shouldn't some common sense come into play. If you weigh half the weight of the Mini, should you really be being a Mini? Can't you upgrade to say a Regular? Or, if you are like that guy in Mexico, maybe a Maxi? There needs to be a rule about this: you cannot buy a car that you have to squeeze in to and be sucked out of by a tornado.
2. Why do people take Facebook quizzes? Do I really need to answer questions about my eyes? Hazel. Or do I need to tell you my sign? Virgo. I mean, really, do I need to answer a question about my favorite movie? Victory. Update: Sneakers too, but only because I am being made fun of by two people as I write this. I do not want to tell you that my color is blue. I should not have to answer a question about what beer is my personality. Guiness, clearly. I just don't get it. Why do you care? If you know me, you would know that I would be a soccer cleat. And if you do not know me, why are you a friend on Facebook anyway? Oh, and if you are on Facebook, do not put your freaking twitter post on Facebook.
3. Why do people slurp coffee? Loudly. Its loud. Its annoying. It may be more annoying than me running my mouth on the soccer game. Seriously. If your coffee is that hot, DO NOT DRINK IT. Or, here is an idea, let it cool off. Or, ask for it a bit cooler. I know that your Starbucks is not that hot. You just want the freaking attention. Oh, and if you need that attention, you are not that hot, lady. Trust me on this. And the dude who slurps should be taken out back and whooped. A lot. Take off your pink shirt and stop slurping, Billy or Bobby or whatever "y" name you go by.
4. I understand women want to wear panties - once in a while. Lets just get this out of the way: guys like it when you go commando. Well, when most of you go commando. Some of you should not go commando. But, if you are going to wear panties, do we really need to see your pantilines? I mean, that is why we created thongs. If your pants are that tight, throw on a pair of thongs. Or, and here is an idea, don't wear pants that tight. A little room between the skin and the pants is not a bad thing. I promise. And if you decide to go the thong route, do we really need to see them coming out the top of your pants? Can you pull your freaking pants up or slide your thong down a bit? Seeing the top of your thong is not attractive. At all. Ever. Never. Never, ever, ever. I promise.
5. There is a reason I do not run a restaurant for a living, but can the restaurants do something about their freaking seating? When you go in to a restaurant and there is no one else there, why do they seat you in the middle? And then, the next couple comes in, and they seat them right next to you. And the next couple - right on the other side of you. Dude you have a 3,000 square foot restaurant, can you spread them out a bit? Just a bit. Like, maybe there should be a rule like guys have. When we go in to the bathroom, we use every other urinal. Two guys go in and there are three urinals. They leave open the middle urinal. Its a rule. The same should apply in a restaurant. Leave open the table between us. I don't want someone right freaking next to me - especially the loud, older couple who forgot their hearing aids and are yelling at each other "PASS THE BUTTER! No, DON'T PASS GAS, PASS THE BUTTER!" I don't need to hear that during my 30 or 45 minute dinner. Please? Just once.
Okay, off to go talk to my pregnant wife.
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