Okay, maybe this should be a regular series. You know, I can be one of those attorneys who blogs, or makes up blogs, and then tries to turn it into a book deal or a job or something inane like that. Or, I could just keep my day job and do this for fun. Oh, and not make crap up. Yeah, I think I like that better. But, this could still be a regular series. Maybe "Thinks that make you go hmmmm....." No wait, that was taken in the 90s as a song title by C&C Music Factory. Wait, I think these folks were so cool that it wasn't C&C it was C+C. You know, the plus instead of the ampersand. Okay, how many of you knew that this "&" was called an ampersand? And how many of you could spell it? LIARS!
How about if I call it "You might be a bad client if........" You know, like you might be a redneck if....... Of course, I can combine the two. You might be a bad client is you are a redneck. Just take out the might. That is a guarantee!
Anyway, here are a few signs you are a bad client:
1. You call 20+ times in two hours. (Notice the use of + like C+C so I could think I am cool.) Yes, today, a Saturday, I had a client call 22 times in 2 hours. That works out to more than once every 6 minutes. It is like a call every 5 1/2 minutes. That is absurd. First, who the heck has that much free time that he/she can dial the phone every 5 1/2 minutes? Second, who doesn't get the point? If I am not in the first 5 times you call, do you think I am suddenly going to be in the for the next 17 times? Sure, I could pick up the phone one of those random times, but odds are against it. And leaving me a message every time that I need to call you does not mean I am going to call you. I may call you on a Saturday. Chances are about 50-50. But once in a while I like to hang with Mr. Cooper. No wait, that is a tv show from the 80s with Marc Curry. Dude was not that funny. Once in a while I like to hang with my family and that means no calls or maybe one call. I made my one call today. No more calls for me!
2. You call and then put me on hold! Look, if you want to talk to me, great. I don't mind talking. I am more than happy to answer your questions. I will even give you a consultation. Its one reason I have blogs. I don't mind giving people information. But, if you think that calling me and then when I answer saying "Can you hold on?" is a good idea, think again. It means to me that you think your time is more important than mine. Sure, there are emergencies that come up, but that shouldn't be the first time we talk. And if you do it to me on the initial consultation or more than once, it means you really think your time is more important than my time. That makes you a bad client. I will respect your time, but please respect mine. I have another client or two who probably wants to talk to me.
3. You drop profanity on me. If you want to use profanity regularly, be my guest. Call your friends and have conversations that go "Hey you mother-bleeper, how the bleep are you bleeping doing? Did you hear what that bleephead Billy did? That dude is one bleeped up bleeper." Do it all freaking day if you want. Just don't call me and start with profanity. Do I use it? Sure. Some punk wants to call me and be an idiot, I will get off the phone and call someone or tell someone that the guy is a BLEEP! But, I don't use it on the phone unless some POC debt collector drops it on me. You know, like the guy who said he wished I was dead. Then it is fair game. But if you are a client, you are not going to impress me by dropping profanity in the conversation. In fact, it is going to make me question whether your going to be able to stay professional during a trial or a hearing or some other proceeding.
I am sure there are more ways that you can be a bad client. As they come up, I am sure I am going to blog about them. And I am sure some of the attorneys who read this will add to it. But please folks, just following these three simple rules will make sure you are not a bad client - or at least be a start. Oh, one more: don't sing Pit Bull to me. Ever. Automatic firing!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
TLC has a little person fetish
I cannot explain it. I don't know that anyone can explain it. What is up with TLC? These folks, or at least the dude in charge of programming, has a fetish with little people, er, dwarfs, er midgets, er really short folks? What exactly do we call them now? Have you watched this channel lately? I would really like to know who is in charge of programming over there. Is anyone?
First, they have Little People, Big World. This is about a family where mom and dad are, not surprisingly, little folks. Apparently, they think it is a big world. I kind of thought it was a little world. I actually thought the world was getting smaller. I guess if you are under 4'6, the world is getting bigger. Are these folks not familiar with the internet? Did they miss Al Gore's invention?
Then, there is Little Couple. Now, one might think that these are the same people. After all, if mom and dad are married and little, they are a little couple. But no, TLC has apparently found a new little couple. Yes, apparently these folks are eager to be on television. I don't know why. Is it in a little person's genes? Its like on Chromosome 22 or something. That is where the height is determined and if the height is under 4'6, you also have a desire to be on TV more than Heidi and Spencer, who by the way needs to be taken out back and whooped. That dude is a train wreck. Sorry, back to the little folks. This woman is a doctor or something and her husband is a "businessman," whatever the heck that means. Does he own a business? Is he a business like LeBron James, LLC? I don't quite understand. What is the deal with him.
Anyway, they then have Dwarf Adoption. Um, hello? Dwarf? Really? Someone is going to name a show Dwarf Adoption? What's next? Dwarf bowling? Dwarf wrestling? I think both of those were outlawed when we turned from the 80s to the 90s. Seriously, when is the last time you saw midget wrestling on WWE or RAW or one of those shows? I remember seeing it in the 80s, but I don't think I have seen it advertised on USA anytime in the last 2 decades. But, apparently if these folks want to adopt, suddenly it is okay to call them dwarfs again. Just because I want to join the circus, does not mean it is okay to start a show called "Cracker Circus."
Seriously, who names these shows? Yes, I want to know. Who comes up with the name of these shows? And how much money do they make? What kind of college degree do you need? Do you even need a college degree or do they take people from Fake Online U in Barbados? I think I could come up with names like this.
Oh, and don't forget that TLC is also home to Toddlers and Tiaras. I recently saw a few minutes of a show where the little girl's name was Kragen. Clearly, that is the name of the store whose parking lot mom and dad were in when she was conceived. I was thinking that they probably meant Pep Boys, but they couldn't figure out who was Manny, Mo or Jack. They were going to go with NAPA as well, but the capital letters confused them.
I really think TLC changed its name from "The Learning Channel" to "Them Little Cuties" and decide that TLC sounded better than "Them Little Cuties." Really, who is programming that station? And did they pass an IQ test?
Just wondering..........
First, they have Little People, Big World. This is about a family where mom and dad are, not surprisingly, little folks. Apparently, they think it is a big world. I kind of thought it was a little world. I actually thought the world was getting smaller. I guess if you are under 4'6, the world is getting bigger. Are these folks not familiar with the internet? Did they miss Al Gore's invention?
Then, there is Little Couple. Now, one might think that these are the same people. After all, if mom and dad are married and little, they are a little couple. But no, TLC has apparently found a new little couple. Yes, apparently these folks are eager to be on television. I don't know why. Is it in a little person's genes? Its like on Chromosome 22 or something. That is where the height is determined and if the height is under 4'6, you also have a desire to be on TV more than Heidi and Spencer, who by the way needs to be taken out back and whooped. That dude is a train wreck. Sorry, back to the little folks. This woman is a doctor or something and her husband is a "businessman," whatever the heck that means. Does he own a business? Is he a business like LeBron James, LLC? I don't quite understand. What is the deal with him.
Anyway, they then have Dwarf Adoption. Um, hello? Dwarf? Really? Someone is going to name a show Dwarf Adoption? What's next? Dwarf bowling? Dwarf wrestling? I think both of those were outlawed when we turned from the 80s to the 90s. Seriously, when is the last time you saw midget wrestling on WWE or RAW or one of those shows? I remember seeing it in the 80s, but I don't think I have seen it advertised on USA anytime in the last 2 decades. But, apparently if these folks want to adopt, suddenly it is okay to call them dwarfs again. Just because I want to join the circus, does not mean it is okay to start a show called "Cracker Circus."
Seriously, who names these shows? Yes, I want to know. Who comes up with the name of these shows? And how much money do they make? What kind of college degree do you need? Do you even need a college degree or do they take people from Fake Online U in Barbados? I think I could come up with names like this.
Oh, and don't forget that TLC is also home to Toddlers and Tiaras. I recently saw a few minutes of a show where the little girl's name was Kragen. Clearly, that is the name of the store whose parking lot mom and dad were in when she was conceived. I was thinking that they probably meant Pep Boys, but they couldn't figure out who was Manny, Mo or Jack. They were going to go with NAPA as well, but the capital letters confused them.
I really think TLC changed its name from "The Learning Channel" to "Them Little Cuties" and decide that TLC sounded better than "Them Little Cuties." Really, who is programming that station? And did they pass an IQ test?
Just wondering..........
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Neighbors, Neighbors and Neighbors
No, this is not about Jim Nabors. Nor is it about my desire to put on a sweater and slippers and say "Won't you be my neighbor?" Nor is this going to be a dissertation about "Neighbor" by Ugly Kid Joe. (You can see the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtNW88sgO04) Rather, this is my joyous time with my neighbors. A few neighborly thoughts.
1. Don't use my garbage can. My neighborhood has some dumb rules about garbage cans. I think they cannot be put out before 6pm and they have to be back in within 36 minutes of the garbage man picking them up or 11:32am unless it is the 3rd Friday of the month and a new moon in which case they have to be in by 9:46am. Sometimes my garbage cans make it in by then. Most of the time - not going to happen. If the garbage man comes, and if I know he comes, I might get around to it by 8pm, when I get home from sparring. Maybe 8:30pm.
Now, look, I know it should be empty because the garbage man came. He dumped it. His little arm thing lifted it up and turned it upside down so that all of the contents were bend over and the contents of your stomach come out into the toilet. After this event, this very important event in life, the inside is empty. The garbage can should have nothing in it. So, how come I come home and I have stuff in my garbage can?
I don't know which of my neighbors feels like my garbage can is theirs, but it is not theirs. Its mine. I claim it. I own it. I pay some ridiculous amount of money every month for the right to fill it up. Stop using it. It is not yours! Stop using it. Give me back my garbage can. I want to use it - all of it. I want to fill up my garbage can! STOP!
2. I live in a development where we have big garages. I have a three car. Some homes have a 4 car garage. 4 car garage? Really? Who owns 4 cars? Jay Leno? Tiger Woods? You know, his Escalade, and his 9 girlfriends each have one. Plus the wife, who will probably get a new car every month for the rest of her life with the alimony he is going to be paying her. So, in addition to having 3 or 4 cars that they can park in their garage, they have a driveway. That is a minimum of 2 more cars, but up to 4 more cars, if they have a long driveway. So, figure these folks have enough space on their property to keep between 5 and 9 cars. That should be enough space for 99% of Americans, right? I mean, the British would be able to fit in 15 to 27 cars per house with this much space, but even old men who drive Cadillacs and pimps with their 1970 blue Lincoln Town Car, lowered, and covered in velour would be able to fit in 3 or 4 cars.
But, apparently, in my neighborhood, this is not enough room. Every day I find a car parked right in front of my house. Not like once a week. Or even every other day. Every freaking day someone parks in front of my house. Now, I get that I don't own that space, but could you please let my friend park there. That's right - I said friend. That is the one guy who would actually come to my house. He would like to park his car in front of my house so he doesn't have to walk 6 miles to get to my house because you have the entire street blocked by your POC cars. No, I won't link to Adam Sandler's Piece of S*** car song again - you can go look it up this time. But, dude driving the Miata that is two colors and has a hard top, you know who you are!
How about this? Lets park our cars in our garage. When the garage is full, put a car or two on the driveway. Then, when the driveway is full, put a car or two in front of your house. And seriously, if you have more cars than that on a daily basis, you need to move. I hear Far, Far Away is a nice place. You and Shrek can go live there.
3. Don't offer me pot. Ever. No pot. No marijuana. No hash. No Mary Jane. No budda. No gang. No chronic. No grass. No sticky icky. No hooba. No wacky tobacky. No fatty boombalaty. No reefer. No blunt. No dope. No 420.
Yes, one of my neighbors offered me pot. Not just any pot, but the "good stuff." Dude apparently was so happy that I found his brother's dog, who was in my garage, that he and his buddies offered me a doobie. They had the good stuff to offer me. He didn't know if I smoke it. Um, bra, as he would be called, I am over 22. I think most folks over 22 don't smoke the weed. Imagine me smoking dope. Come on, you know me. You know how I would be "So, um, Ms. Debt Collector witch, I don't think you could, um, what was I saying.....you were um........wait, what? Who are you?" Go read my Michael Phelps rant. You know that would so be me. And that would just be the contact high. Imagine if I actually smoked it. I would be eating cookies and drinking root beer until cows were flying - which I would probably see if I smoked a joint. Heck, I barely drink, and this guy wanted to offer me a smoke!
Pretty much, you never have to offer me some pot. I assure you, I won't smoke it, and I especially won't smoke it with my neighbors. Trust me on this, dude. You don't have to offer it to me. You can keep "the good stuff" all for yourself!
1. Don't use my garbage can. My neighborhood has some dumb rules about garbage cans. I think they cannot be put out before 6pm and they have to be back in within 36 minutes of the garbage man picking them up or 11:32am unless it is the 3rd Friday of the month and a new moon in which case they have to be in by 9:46am. Sometimes my garbage cans make it in by then. Most of the time - not going to happen. If the garbage man comes, and if I know he comes, I might get around to it by 8pm, when I get home from sparring. Maybe 8:30pm.
Now, look, I know it should be empty because the garbage man came. He dumped it. His little arm thing lifted it up and turned it upside down so that all of the contents were bend over and the contents of your stomach come out into the toilet. After this event, this very important event in life, the inside is empty. The garbage can should have nothing in it. So, how come I come home and I have stuff in my garbage can?
I don't know which of my neighbors feels like my garbage can is theirs, but it is not theirs. Its mine. I claim it. I own it. I pay some ridiculous amount of money every month for the right to fill it up. Stop using it. It is not yours! Stop using it. Give me back my garbage can. I want to use it - all of it. I want to fill up my garbage can! STOP!
2. I live in a development where we have big garages. I have a three car. Some homes have a 4 car garage. 4 car garage? Really? Who owns 4 cars? Jay Leno? Tiger Woods? You know, his Escalade, and his 9 girlfriends each have one. Plus the wife, who will probably get a new car every month for the rest of her life with the alimony he is going to be paying her. So, in addition to having 3 or 4 cars that they can park in their garage, they have a driveway. That is a minimum of 2 more cars, but up to 4 more cars, if they have a long driveway. So, figure these folks have enough space on their property to keep between 5 and 9 cars. That should be enough space for 99% of Americans, right? I mean, the British would be able to fit in 15 to 27 cars per house with this much space, but even old men who drive Cadillacs and pimps with their 1970 blue Lincoln Town Car, lowered, and covered in velour would be able to fit in 3 or 4 cars.
But, apparently, in my neighborhood, this is not enough room. Every day I find a car parked right in front of my house. Not like once a week. Or even every other day. Every freaking day someone parks in front of my house. Now, I get that I don't own that space, but could you please let my friend park there. That's right - I said friend. That is the one guy who would actually come to my house. He would like to park his car in front of my house so he doesn't have to walk 6 miles to get to my house because you have the entire street blocked by your POC cars. No, I won't link to Adam Sandler's Piece of S*** car song again - you can go look it up this time. But, dude driving the Miata that is two colors and has a hard top, you know who you are!
How about this? Lets park our cars in our garage. When the garage is full, put a car or two on the driveway. Then, when the driveway is full, put a car or two in front of your house. And seriously, if you have more cars than that on a daily basis, you need to move. I hear Far, Far Away is a nice place. You and Shrek can go live there.
3. Don't offer me pot. Ever. No pot. No marijuana. No hash. No Mary Jane. No budda. No gang. No chronic. No grass. No sticky icky. No hooba. No wacky tobacky. No fatty boombalaty. No reefer. No blunt. No dope. No 420.
Yes, one of my neighbors offered me pot. Not just any pot, but the "good stuff." Dude apparently was so happy that I found his brother's dog, who was in my garage, that he and his buddies offered me a doobie. They had the good stuff to offer me. He didn't know if I smoke it. Um, bra, as he would be called, I am over 22. I think most folks over 22 don't smoke the weed. Imagine me smoking dope. Come on, you know me. You know how I would be "So, um, Ms. Debt Collector witch, I don't think you could, um, what was I saying.....you were um........wait, what? Who are you?" Go read my Michael Phelps rant. You know that would so be me. And that would just be the contact high. Imagine if I actually smoked it. I would be eating cookies and drinking root beer until cows were flying - which I would probably see if I smoked a joint. Heck, I barely drink, and this guy wanted to offer me a smoke!
Pretty much, you never have to offer me some pot. I assure you, I won't smoke it, and I especially won't smoke it with my neighbors. Trust me on this, dude. You don't have to offer it to me. You can keep "the good stuff" all for yourself!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
A guest post - Worst Company in America
A guest post from an anonymous source:
Comcast is the worst company in America. It’s not entirely their fault, of course. In most markets where they operate, they do so as a monopoly. If you want cable TV, you pay them. There is no alternative other than a satellite dish, and in my experience, wherever there is a monopoly there is corruption, incompetence, and arrogance.
Some people think that Comcast is only the second worst company in America. The Consumerist website, after a period of public voting, had Comcast in the finals for “Worst Company In America” for each of the past two years. In 2008, Comcast “lost” that title to Countrywide Home Loans, http://consumerist.com/5027169/worst-company-in-america-final-death-match-comcast-vs-countrywide-home-loans and this year finished again as runner-up to AIG.
You know things are tough when the only companies worse than you are a couple of the poster children for the recent economic meltdown.
On the website, you can find people suggesting that the runner-up trophy for worst company in America be permanently named “The Comcast Award.”
Naturally, I would not be writing about this if I were not a Comcast “customer.”
Here is my (most recent) tale of woe. I am a double Comcast prisoner. We have Comcast cable at the office, and I have it at home. We have it at the office because our Internet access is absolutely mission-critical to everything we do. We cannot afford to be down for even a few hours. Therefore, we pay each month for the local phone company’s high-speed DSL service and for the Comcast cable. In other words we pay double each month simply to insure that if one goes down, we can switch to the other, and hope that the odds are long that both could be down at the same time. So far, so good.
A salesman from Comcast comes to our office and says that because we have this business account, we can also have the Comcast business service (faster, better) at home, too, if we would like. We’ll pay more, of course, but it is available.
Since I have frequent problems with my home service (a Comcast trademark) I say yes to this proposition. A guy comes out to my house and installs the new service.
Beginning a couple of months later, I begin to get calls and letters from the Comcast billing department, threatening to cut off service if I don’t pay up. This I find mysterious since one of my staff pay all my bills, and I know they are paid on time.
There ensued hours of phone calls, the pain (and pain-in-the-ass) of which I cannot begin to describe to you, which lead eventually to the discovery of a “mistake” by Comcast. While they had installed the business service (fast) in my home, and had begun billing me for it, they had neglected to cancel the domestic service (slow) account, and thus had been double billing me for months. Straightening this out was a freaking nightmare. I only kept my sanity by delegating most of it to my employee Dave Meehan who has the patience of a saint.
Now comes the piece de resistance.
I am now getting threatening letters from a collection agency because, they say, I didn’t return to Comcast the router (for the old, slow service) that they took away when they upgraded me to the new service.
So, on top of being double-billed for months, I am now being dunned for a piece of equipment that a Comcast technician removed from my house.
Wonder if these idiots will now besmirch my personal, or business, credit rating?
Comcast is the worst company in America. It’s not entirely their fault, of course. In most markets where they operate, they do so as a monopoly. If you want cable TV, you pay them. There is no alternative other than a satellite dish, and in my experience, wherever there is a monopoly there is corruption, incompetence, and arrogance.
Some people think that Comcast is only the second worst company in America. The Consumerist website, after a period of public voting, had Comcast in the finals for “Worst Company In America” for each of the past two years. In 2008, Comcast “lost” that title to Countrywide Home Loans, http://consumerist.com/5027169/worst-company-in-america-final-death-match-comcast-vs-countrywide-home-loans and this year finished again as runner-up to AIG.
You know things are tough when the only companies worse than you are a couple of the poster children for the recent economic meltdown.
On the website, you can find people suggesting that the runner-up trophy for worst company in America be permanently named “The Comcast Award.”
Naturally, I would not be writing about this if I were not a Comcast “customer.”
Here is my (most recent) tale of woe. I am a double Comcast prisoner. We have Comcast cable at the office, and I have it at home. We have it at the office because our Internet access is absolutely mission-critical to everything we do. We cannot afford to be down for even a few hours. Therefore, we pay each month for the local phone company’s high-speed DSL service and for the Comcast cable. In other words we pay double each month simply to insure that if one goes down, we can switch to the other, and hope that the odds are long that both could be down at the same time. So far, so good.
A salesman from Comcast comes to our office and says that because we have this business account, we can also have the Comcast business service (faster, better) at home, too, if we would like. We’ll pay more, of course, but it is available.
Since I have frequent problems with my home service (a Comcast trademark) I say yes to this proposition. A guy comes out to my house and installs the new service.
Beginning a couple of months later, I begin to get calls and letters from the Comcast billing department, threatening to cut off service if I don’t pay up. This I find mysterious since one of my staff pay all my bills, and I know they are paid on time.
There ensued hours of phone calls, the pain (and pain-in-the-ass) of which I cannot begin to describe to you, which lead eventually to the discovery of a “mistake” by Comcast. While they had installed the business service (fast) in my home, and had begun billing me for it, they had neglected to cancel the domestic service (slow) account, and thus had been double billing me for months. Straightening this out was a freaking nightmare. I only kept my sanity by delegating most of it to my employee Dave Meehan who has the patience of a saint.
Now comes the piece de resistance.
I am now getting threatening letters from a collection agency because, they say, I didn’t return to Comcast the router (for the old, slow service) that they took away when they upgraded me to the new service.
So, on top of being double-billed for months, I am now being dunned for a piece of equipment that a Comcast technician removed from my house.
Wonder if these idiots will now besmirch my personal, or business, credit rating?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Dumb people
So it has been a while since I have blogged. Say, the middle of October. As a friend of mine said, maybe having a baby mellowed me. Probably true. So I am going with a post tonight about a few people - or groups of people - who bug me. Annoy me. Make me want to pull out my hair - assuming I had some. And no, I am not bald. I am clean shaven. I choose to walk around with no hair. There is a difference! So without further ado, or further ramblings from me, my list of people who big, big time!
1. Smokers - okay, what the BLEEP? (This bleep is brought to you by the FCC. Those fine folks who tell us what is appropriate for television and radio. Of course, Family Guy did the best FCC spoof ever. You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NDPT0Ph5rA ) Seriously, what is the deal with smokers. These folks smoke everywhere. When the baby was born, we were at the hospital. There you go. I bet you didn't know that. I should get some award for stating the obvious! Anyway, there were folks in their hospital gowns who were smoking outside of the hospital. Yes, you are at the hospital and sick, yet that is not motivation enough for you to stop smoking. I mean, how much of a degenerate do you have to be to smoke while you are admitted to the hospital? You rank right up there with crazy folks who post comments on people's Facebook pages and then go back and delete them. Yes, I am talking about you, you crazy lady. Michael Jackson is still dead and Chiller is still funny! Here is an idea: stop smoking. Use the patch, gum, hypnosis, or just plain cold turkey. But stop smoking. It is disgusting. Its more disgusting than the dude who called be after his glass eyeball fell out!
2. Christmas decorations - Hey, Target, Wal Mart, dude who lives near King Park: I have a memo for you: it is not even freaking Thanksgiving yet. Take down your decorations. What happened to one holiday at a time? No Target, I am not going to buy your overpriced Christmas clothes. Wal Mart, I am not going to buy your crappy Christmas decorations that cost you 25 cents to make and you are selling for $5. Put it away. Ask me about it after Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate one holiday at a time. So, the order in the fall is Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. It is not Christmas season from October 15 until December 25. Oh, and I didn't forget about you ABC Family. They have this ridiculous 25 days of Christmas. Its like an advent calendar full of movies. Fine. I can get it. Kind of. But, now they are doing the "Countdown to the 25 days of Christmas." It started on like November 5. It wasn't even Veterans Day yet. You have to countdown to a countdown to Christmas. Really? How about a countdown to a countdown to a countdown to you folks getting a brain? You do realize that not everyone celebrates the holiday, right? And some folks don't run out and buy presents for Christmas. Some people actually get that there is something to the time of year from the end of November (AFTER THANKSGIVING) to the end of the year. And it has nothing to do with your movies, some of which are old and some of which just plain suck. Hey, anything with Mario Lopez should be burned. Now. Please? Lets celebrate one holiday at a time. For now, I want to focus on my Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing and baking pies for the local fire department. And I will not watch ABC SUCKY, er, Family.
Oh, and dude who lives near King Park, take down your lights. Lights go up the day after Thanksgiving. They come down a week after the New Year. That is the rule. Live with it or your neighbors can pull down your lights. And never, ever let you put them up again.
3. Dude from India - So, I get this call today while I am working. Caller ID pulls up 64053. Um, at least in this country, we have seven digit phone numbers. So, this worries me. I know when the fine folks at the Federal Bureau of Investigation call me, and they do call me once in a while, it comes up with three numbers. But five numbers are weird. So, I answer the phone "This is Jonathan." You would think this would tell someone who I am. Apparently not. Dude explains he is from a mortgage lender. He wants to talk to me about a client, call her Stephanie. But, instead he calls her Steve. After I correct her name, he asks me for her social security number. Now, I don't know about the rest of the country, but I don't run around giving out a client's social security number. So, I ask dude where he is calling from. His answer, not surprisingly, Mumbai, India. So, I ask him to verify his identity. He won't. So I ask him why he thinks I should give out my client's social security number to some guy half way around the world. He keeps repeating his script "I need you to verify your identity by giving me her social security number." Dude, you called me. You dialed my number. I answered "This is Jonathan." Who do you think it is, Jack the Ripper? And you want me to give out information to some dude just because he called me and said he was from a bank? You are right, I trust banks. I trust them about as much as I trust insurance companies. No wait, I trust insurance companies more. I trust the California legislature more than I trust banks, and the legislature, well, at least Pedro Nava and Calderon, whatever the heck his first name is, oh wait, it is Ron, are in the back pockets of the banks. So ultimately he hung up on me. Go figure.
4. Fiances - no, not fiancees. The former are the men who are engaged. The latter are the women who are engaged. What is up with us guys? Some of us are just lame. Not me, of course. I am an angel, right? But I have watched an episode or two of "Say Yes to the Dress." It is a show on TLC that follows crazy women buying wedding dresses from some fancy shop in NYC. Got the premise? It is not earth shattering tv. Very simple. But then some of these women show up with the guy. What is up with that? The guy? He is not supposed to have ANY say in the wedding dress. Heck, he isn't even supposed to see her in the dress before the wedding. Never. Ever. You aren't cool or phresh (not fresh, mind you, but phresh so I can feel hip) or hip or happening or tight or anything else. You are a loser. A big fat loser. A big fat patethic useless loser. It is her dress. She picks it out. You have no say in it. Ever. Remember that. Now go watch 24 and Counting or however many kids the Duggars have now. You know, it would be easier to keep track if they went from A to Z with the names instead of starting them all with J. You do know that they now have to make up names since they have run out of real names that begin with the letter J.
So there you have it. 4 groups of people who annoy me. A lot. Too much! The world would be a better place if these folks who stop being dweebs and douches and start being real, the real world. No wait, that show was, and is, full of douches too. Sorry. f
1. Smokers - okay, what the BLEEP? (This bleep is brought to you by the FCC. Those fine folks who tell us what is appropriate for television and radio. Of course, Family Guy did the best FCC spoof ever. You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NDPT0Ph5rA ) Seriously, what is the deal with smokers. These folks smoke everywhere. When the baby was born, we were at the hospital. There you go. I bet you didn't know that. I should get some award for stating the obvious! Anyway, there were folks in their hospital gowns who were smoking outside of the hospital. Yes, you are at the hospital and sick, yet that is not motivation enough for you to stop smoking. I mean, how much of a degenerate do you have to be to smoke while you are admitted to the hospital? You rank right up there with crazy folks who post comments on people's Facebook pages and then go back and delete them. Yes, I am talking about you, you crazy lady. Michael Jackson is still dead and Chiller is still funny! Here is an idea: stop smoking. Use the patch, gum, hypnosis, or just plain cold turkey. But stop smoking. It is disgusting. Its more disgusting than the dude who called be after his glass eyeball fell out!
2. Christmas decorations - Hey, Target, Wal Mart, dude who lives near King Park: I have a memo for you: it is not even freaking Thanksgiving yet. Take down your decorations. What happened to one holiday at a time? No Target, I am not going to buy your overpriced Christmas clothes. Wal Mart, I am not going to buy your crappy Christmas decorations that cost you 25 cents to make and you are selling for $5. Put it away. Ask me about it after Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate one holiday at a time. So, the order in the fall is Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. It is not Christmas season from October 15 until December 25. Oh, and I didn't forget about you ABC Family. They have this ridiculous 25 days of Christmas. Its like an advent calendar full of movies. Fine. I can get it. Kind of. But, now they are doing the "Countdown to the 25 days of Christmas." It started on like November 5. It wasn't even Veterans Day yet. You have to countdown to a countdown to Christmas. Really? How about a countdown to a countdown to a countdown to you folks getting a brain? You do realize that not everyone celebrates the holiday, right? And some folks don't run out and buy presents for Christmas. Some people actually get that there is something to the time of year from the end of November (AFTER THANKSGIVING) to the end of the year. And it has nothing to do with your movies, some of which are old and some of which just plain suck. Hey, anything with Mario Lopez should be burned. Now. Please? Lets celebrate one holiday at a time. For now, I want to focus on my Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing and baking pies for the local fire department. And I will not watch ABC SUCKY, er, Family.
Oh, and dude who lives near King Park, take down your lights. Lights go up the day after Thanksgiving. They come down a week after the New Year. That is the rule. Live with it or your neighbors can pull down your lights. And never, ever let you put them up again.
3. Dude from India - So, I get this call today while I am working. Caller ID pulls up 64053. Um, at least in this country, we have seven digit phone numbers. So, this worries me. I know when the fine folks at the Federal Bureau of Investigation call me, and they do call me once in a while, it comes up with three numbers. But five numbers are weird. So, I answer the phone "This is Jonathan." You would think this would tell someone who I am. Apparently not. Dude explains he is from a mortgage lender. He wants to talk to me about a client, call her Stephanie. But, instead he calls her Steve. After I correct her name, he asks me for her social security number. Now, I don't know about the rest of the country, but I don't run around giving out a client's social security number. So, I ask dude where he is calling from. His answer, not surprisingly, Mumbai, India. So, I ask him to verify his identity. He won't. So I ask him why he thinks I should give out my client's social security number to some guy half way around the world. He keeps repeating his script "I need you to verify your identity by giving me her social security number." Dude, you called me. You dialed my number. I answered "This is Jonathan." Who do you think it is, Jack the Ripper? And you want me to give out information to some dude just because he called me and said he was from a bank? You are right, I trust banks. I trust them about as much as I trust insurance companies. No wait, I trust insurance companies more. I trust the California legislature more than I trust banks, and the legislature, well, at least Pedro Nava and Calderon, whatever the heck his first name is, oh wait, it is Ron, are in the back pockets of the banks. So ultimately he hung up on me. Go figure.
4. Fiances - no, not fiancees. The former are the men who are engaged. The latter are the women who are engaged. What is up with us guys? Some of us are just lame. Not me, of course. I am an angel, right? But I have watched an episode or two of "Say Yes to the Dress." It is a show on TLC that follows crazy women buying wedding dresses from some fancy shop in NYC. Got the premise? It is not earth shattering tv. Very simple. But then some of these women show up with the guy. What is up with that? The guy? He is not supposed to have ANY say in the wedding dress. Heck, he isn't even supposed to see her in the dress before the wedding. Never. Ever. You aren't cool or phresh (not fresh, mind you, but phresh so I can feel hip) or hip or happening or tight or anything else. You are a loser. A big fat loser. A big fat patethic useless loser. It is her dress. She picks it out. You have no say in it. Ever. Remember that. Now go watch 24 and Counting or however many kids the Duggars have now. You know, it would be easier to keep track if they went from A to Z with the names instead of starting them all with J. You do know that they now have to make up names since they have run out of real names that begin with the letter J.
So there you have it. 4 groups of people who annoy me. A lot. Too much! The world would be a better place if these folks who stop being dweebs and douches and start being real, the real world. No wait, that show was, and is, full of douches too. Sorry. f
Monday, October 19, 2009
Lawyers are high maintenanc
No, not me. I am low maintenance. I am so low maintenance its like non-existent. Really. Just ask my wife. Right honey? (It's okay - she doesn't read this so you can trust me when I say that.)
Seriously, not only are lawyers high maintenance, but they aren't even good about being high maintenance. I mean, if Diane Lane wants to get all high maintenance on me, that would be fine. I would just break out Unfaithful and watch it with her and all would be good in the world. I am sure some woman would think Captain Jack Sparrow could get all high maintenance on her and she would be fine with it. But the folks who are all high maintenance in the legal world cannot back it up. At least in this reporter's humble view. (See Guy, Family)
Let me start with a favorite of mine. Jay Foonberg. Jay Foonberg is considered some Godlike person among people in the ABA. Apparently he knows something about opening and running a law firm. Well, they think he does. The ABA recently had a seminar called "How to Hang Your Shingle and Start Your Firm" with Foonberg as the speaker. Now, let me see how many problems I have with this.
First, Foonberg is on Twitter. And if by on, I mean he has 1 follower. I don't know about the rest of you, but if I am going to sit through some presentation about running a law firm, I would like to know about the latest technology - preferably from someone who uses it. Hey, I don't know if Twitter is the next big thing, especially for lawyers, but shouldn't dude at least be able to tell me he uses it? Of course, this is probably expecting too much from a guy who doesn't blog. But, he is affiliated with Solo Practice University- which may be the biggest waste of money for sole practitioners. Solo Practice is just repackaging other people's ideas - ideas that are mostly free. It is like paying for an aggregator. Why? Please tell me why.
Second, Foonberg doesn't use proper English on his website. Now, those of you who are regular readers of my blog will recall some posts where I did not use proper English. I think I broke out with "You can blame it on the rain cause the rain don't mind and the rain don't care." We all know that this should be "You can blame it on the rain because the rain doesn't mind and the rain doesn't care." But, I am not writing this to get clients or to have people pay $180 for a book. Especially a book where you are already supposed to know 85% of the material. I am paying you $180 for 15% of the material. That means the book should cost over $1,000. Yes, Foonberg, for $1,000 I would rather go to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch than read your lack of command of the English language. How about you don't put your own writing in quotes on your own freaking website.
But, Foonberg isn't the only one. How about Scott Greenfield? He writes some blog Simple Justice. I don't know what simple justice is. If I did, I think I would cry. There is nothing simple about justice. But, that's just me. Greenfield has a blog post today about blogging. Yes, he blogged about blogging when he claims to be a lawyer who represents people and not a marketing guy. In fact, he called a marketing guy a whore. Of course, Greenfield is marketing without calling it marketing. Its like putting your money in the mattress and then not calling it saving. You are still saving it - just not in a bank. If Greenfield doesn't think he is marketing with his blog, he is more of a diva than I thought. In his blog, he doesn't capitalize Twitter, he puts periods outside of the quotation marks, he screws up figures of speech (it is not "on both accounts" but rather "on bouth counts" and it is "As I said" not "Like I said."), and he uses sentence fragments. That must be why he and Foonberg get along so well.
Greenfield, however, and his buddies Mark Bennett and Brian Tannenbaum, make VH1's Diva's show look like the small time. These three were invited to speak at a seminar with me. Now, I don't know that I would go to listen to me speak. But, I might. After all, I know what I am going to say and I am not afraid to say it. (Of course, the problem could be the sponsor of the seminar may wuss out now that I have called these guys out or the sponsor could man up and let me do what I proposed. I am hoping for the latter since we are brothers without hair.) Anyway, these three wouldn't go to the seminar unless someone pays for their travel. Really? Who the hell pays anyone to travel to a seminar these days? I haven't seen that happen in years and I invited speakers for the State Bar of California for years. But, apparently, when you market your law practice without admitting it is marketing, you think you need to be treated differently. Its a bit like when someone comes out to Sunday Soccer and they don't want us to shoot at them. If you don't want to get hit with the ball, get off the field.
I don't know about this. I don't understand why so many lawyers are such divas. Look, we put our pants on one leg at a time just like the maid and the cook and the septic tank cleaner and the freaky parents of that kid Falcon. (By the way, you aren't bright enough to pull off a hoax like that, Eagle and Sparrow, or whatever the hell your names are. Did you really think you wouldn't get caught? Of course, you wonder why ABC hasn't been running 24 hours of these folks on Wife Swap. You know ABC would do anything to make a buck.) Anyway, there are way too many lawyers who think they are way too good. You are a person. Your mom and dad had a sperm and an egg meet just like everyone else. You spent 40 weeks or so in the womb. The difference? You kept going to school.
So memo to those called out in this blog post: stop with the nonsense. Foonberg, I have $5 for your book. That is about all it is worth. When you can figure out how to run a modern law practice and not an Abraham Lincoln law practice, call me. The other three - stop thinking you are so advanced because you don't market your law practice. You do. And stop being a diva. Go to the conference and feel free to rip into me. I know I will do my homework and be prepared to explain the flaws in people who refuse to hire experts to help market their law firms.
Oh, and the offer I made to Barrett and Fairley applies to you guys (and you really old men) too: more than happy to debate you publicly on this!
Seriously, not only are lawyers high maintenance, but they aren't even good about being high maintenance. I mean, if Diane Lane wants to get all high maintenance on me, that would be fine. I would just break out Unfaithful and watch it with her and all would be good in the world. I am sure some woman would think Captain Jack Sparrow could get all high maintenance on her and she would be fine with it. But the folks who are all high maintenance in the legal world cannot back it up. At least in this reporter's humble view. (See Guy, Family)
Let me start with a favorite of mine. Jay Foonberg. Jay Foonberg is considered some Godlike person among people in the ABA. Apparently he knows something about opening and running a law firm. Well, they think he does. The ABA recently had a seminar called "How to Hang Your Shingle and Start Your Firm" with Foonberg as the speaker. Now, let me see how many problems I have with this.
First, Foonberg is on Twitter. And if by on, I mean he has 1 follower. I don't know about the rest of you, but if I am going to sit through some presentation about running a law firm, I would like to know about the latest technology - preferably from someone who uses it. Hey, I don't know if Twitter is the next big thing, especially for lawyers, but shouldn't dude at least be able to tell me he uses it? Of course, this is probably expecting too much from a guy who doesn't blog. But, he is affiliated with Solo Practice University- which may be the biggest waste of money for sole practitioners. Solo Practice is just repackaging other people's ideas - ideas that are mostly free. It is like paying for an aggregator. Why? Please tell me why.
Second, Foonberg doesn't use proper English on his website. Now, those of you who are regular readers of my blog will recall some posts where I did not use proper English. I think I broke out with "You can blame it on the rain cause the rain don't mind and the rain don't care." We all know that this should be "You can blame it on the rain because the rain doesn't mind and the rain doesn't care." But, I am not writing this to get clients or to have people pay $180 for a book. Especially a book where you are already supposed to know 85% of the material. I am paying you $180 for 15% of the material. That means the book should cost over $1,000. Yes, Foonberg, for $1,000 I would rather go to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch than read your lack of command of the English language. How about you don't put your own writing in quotes on your own freaking website.
But, Foonberg isn't the only one. How about Scott Greenfield? He writes some blog Simple Justice. I don't know what simple justice is. If I did, I think I would cry. There is nothing simple about justice. But, that's just me. Greenfield has a blog post today about blogging. Yes, he blogged about blogging when he claims to be a lawyer who represents people and not a marketing guy. In fact, he called a marketing guy a whore. Of course, Greenfield is marketing without calling it marketing. Its like putting your money in the mattress and then not calling it saving. You are still saving it - just not in a bank. If Greenfield doesn't think he is marketing with his blog, he is more of a diva than I thought. In his blog, he doesn't capitalize Twitter, he puts periods outside of the quotation marks, he screws up figures of speech (it is not "on both accounts" but rather "on bouth counts" and it is "As I said" not "Like I said."), and he uses sentence fragments. That must be why he and Foonberg get along so well.
Greenfield, however, and his buddies Mark Bennett and Brian Tannenbaum, make VH1's Diva's show look like the small time. These three were invited to speak at a seminar with me. Now, I don't know that I would go to listen to me speak. But, I might. After all, I know what I am going to say and I am not afraid to say it. (Of course, the problem could be the sponsor of the seminar may wuss out now that I have called these guys out or the sponsor could man up and let me do what I proposed. I am hoping for the latter since we are brothers without hair.) Anyway, these three wouldn't go to the seminar unless someone pays for their travel. Really? Who the hell pays anyone to travel to a seminar these days? I haven't seen that happen in years and I invited speakers for the State Bar of California for years. But, apparently, when you market your law practice without admitting it is marketing, you think you need to be treated differently. Its a bit like when someone comes out to Sunday Soccer and they don't want us to shoot at them. If you don't want to get hit with the ball, get off the field.
I don't know about this. I don't understand why so many lawyers are such divas. Look, we put our pants on one leg at a time just like the maid and the cook and the septic tank cleaner and the freaky parents of that kid Falcon. (By the way, you aren't bright enough to pull off a hoax like that, Eagle and Sparrow, or whatever the hell your names are. Did you really think you wouldn't get caught? Of course, you wonder why ABC hasn't been running 24 hours of these folks on Wife Swap. You know ABC would do anything to make a buck.) Anyway, there are way too many lawyers who think they are way too good. You are a person. Your mom and dad had a sperm and an egg meet just like everyone else. You spent 40 weeks or so in the womb. The difference? You kept going to school.
So memo to those called out in this blog post: stop with the nonsense. Foonberg, I have $5 for your book. That is about all it is worth. When you can figure out how to run a modern law practice and not an Abraham Lincoln law practice, call me. The other three - stop thinking you are so advanced because you don't market your law practice. You do. And stop being a diva. Go to the conference and feel free to rip into me. I know I will do my homework and be prepared to explain the flaws in people who refuse to hire experts to help market their law firms.
Oh, and the offer I made to Barrett and Fairley applies to you guys (and you really old men) too: more than happy to debate you publicly on this!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Legal Marketers
I interrupt this work day to bring you a rant.......a rant about people who want to get me more work. Or, so they claim. I think they really just want to get more money in their pockets. Why do I think that? Because its true.
Like any profession, there is good and bad. Good cops and bad cops. Good lawyers and bad lawyers. Good drug......no wait, only bad drug dealers. But you get the idea, right? There is good and bad in everything. Let me go through the bad first.
There are two people who give lawyer marketing a bad reputation. Really bad. How bad are they? I would rather be called an ambulance chaser than be associated with these two. I would rather be called a snake oil salesman than be associated with these two. I would rather...........well, you get the idea. After all, my blog readers, all 4 of you, are smart!
Stephen Fairley and David Barrett should be renamed Double Trouble. Wasn't that a video game in the 80s? No that was Double Dragon. Good game. I could never beat it. But they had some wicked (for my northeastern readers) karate moves. Anyway, I got an email from Fairley last week. Trust me when I tell you that my third grader understands better use of punctuation and capitalization. Shall I show you? Do you actually dare me? Do you think I would make up something like that without proof? Do I look like I use hyperbole? Okay, fine, here goes:
"I'm Sick And Tired Of The Government Offering Stimulus Packages To Everyone Except Those Who Need It The Most"
Seriously? That is what you have for me? I am supposed to pay you almost $1,000 for your "retreat" and you write with the first letter of each word capitalized. Seriously? Dude, my 3rd grader knows you don't do that. Heck, my cute little kindergartener knows that you do not do that. I think I met a 4 year old who knows not to do that.
Now this is bad. But, wait there is more. Or, as he puts it, there is a B*O*N*U*S. Seriously, are we in third grade or something? What the heck is up with the little "*" between every letter? Does that make it stand out more? Or does it make your idiocy stand out more? I mean, I feel dirty after reading that. It is like I received a note from a 7th grade girl. I need to go shower.
Anyway, dude fake twitters you. Ever notice that you are being followed on twitter by some nice looking woman? And then ever go read her posts? They all read about the same way: "RAINMAKER is the best" and "It is so big at the RAINMAKER." First, why do you need to fake twitter people? I know, I am going to start calling that "pulling a dumbarse" instead of calling it "pulling a Fairley" since I don't want to give dude that much respect. Second, compensating much? I know I just need one twitter account to keep people updated. I don't need like 10. To me, having 10 twitter accounts is like driving an H3 - you must be lacking in some department.
Now, you can't take Fairley by himself. That would be so unFairley like. Fairley has a partner in crime. A boy wonder if you will. A Robin. His name is David Barrett. And he is "THE WORLD'S MOST LINKEDIN LAWYER.........." (Okay, for that to be funny, go back and read it as if you were the guy who does the intro for the Superheros cartoons.) Yes, dude is the world's most linkedin lawyer.
I am pretty sure most of my non-lawyer readers, both of you, will not even know what Linked In is. Heck, most lawyers don't know what it is. And of those of us who do, 8 out of 10 don't care. The other 2 care because they made some money off of Linked In and think they can do it again. I guess I should have reduced my fraction to 4 out of 5, but then I feel like a toothpaste commercial. And what does this Linked In lawyer do? Good question. If you find out, will you let me know?
I know. He sends Spam Links. (Spam on Linked In, get it?) I get more crap on Linked In from this one guy then I do from everyone else combined. And I am not even "linked" with him. I dumped him after he offended me. Again. No, instead he joins every lawyer group known to Linked In and spams the groups. Do you know how obnoxious spam is? Take that and multiply it by 10 because it is from a lawyer. Then multiply it by another 100 because it is from some guy who, best as I can tell, makes his living being linked to other people. That would be like some guy being famous because his wife had 8 kids and they couldn't raise them. Oh wait, that does happen. Sorry.
I guess because you can link to a lot of people you know something about marketing. That would be like me claiming I know something about sewing because I watch a lot of sewing. Really, I do. My wife and her friend sew and I watch. I guess I can now teach people how to sew because I saw it a lot. Just because you can connect to people through some website does not mean you can teach me how to market a law firm!
Seriously, if this is the future of legal marketing we are in trouble, folks. The legal profession is going to go the way of newspapers. We are doomed. If it takes spam and fake twitter accounts and being linked to people through some made up website to market to lawyers and you are going to teach those lawyers how to market, you need to get a clue. That is not marketing. That is called "get rich quick." Although, I would guess that they haven't gotten rich since I keep getting their crap.
Good, ethical lawyer marketing can be done. Want proof? Go see Mark Merenda at Smart Marketing or Allison Sheilds at LegalEase Consulting, Ben Glass at Great Legal Marketing, Jay Fleischmann at LegalPracticePro or Grant Griffiths at G2Webmedia. It can be done. I promise. But stop with the spam. Stop with the grandiose titles. Stop with the fake offers. Stop with all of that nonsense.
By the way, I know this will get back to these two, as well as to some of these other fake marketers. Those who know me well know I don't just sit and hide behind my computer. You think I am wrong? I will debate anyone, anytime, anywhere about ethical, honest lawyer marketing. As Kirsten Dunst would say "Bring it on."
Like any profession, there is good and bad. Good cops and bad cops. Good lawyers and bad lawyers. Good drug......no wait, only bad drug dealers. But you get the idea, right? There is good and bad in everything. Let me go through the bad first.
There are two people who give lawyer marketing a bad reputation. Really bad. How bad are they? I would rather be called an ambulance chaser than be associated with these two. I would rather be called a snake oil salesman than be associated with these two. I would rather...........well, you get the idea. After all, my blog readers, all 4 of you, are smart!
Stephen Fairley and David Barrett should be renamed Double Trouble. Wasn't that a video game in the 80s? No that was Double Dragon. Good game. I could never beat it. But they had some wicked (for my northeastern readers) karate moves. Anyway, I got an email from Fairley last week. Trust me when I tell you that my third grader understands better use of punctuation and capitalization. Shall I show you? Do you actually dare me? Do you think I would make up something like that without proof? Do I look like I use hyperbole? Okay, fine, here goes:
"I'm Sick And Tired Of The Government Offering Stimulus Packages To Everyone Except Those Who Need It The Most"
Seriously? That is what you have for me? I am supposed to pay you almost $1,000 for your "retreat" and you write with the first letter of each word capitalized. Seriously? Dude, my 3rd grader knows you don't do that. Heck, my cute little kindergartener knows that you do not do that. I think I met a 4 year old who knows not to do that.
Now this is bad. But, wait there is more. Or, as he puts it, there is a B*O*N*U*S. Seriously, are we in third grade or something? What the heck is up with the little "*" between every letter? Does that make it stand out more? Or does it make your idiocy stand out more? I mean, I feel dirty after reading that. It is like I received a note from a 7th grade girl. I need to go shower.
Anyway, dude fake twitters you. Ever notice that you are being followed on twitter by some nice looking woman? And then ever go read her posts? They all read about the same way: "RAINMAKER is the best" and "It is so big at the RAINMAKER." First, why do you need to fake twitter people? I know, I am going to start calling that "pulling a dumbarse" instead of calling it "pulling a Fairley" since I don't want to give dude that much respect. Second, compensating much? I know I just need one twitter account to keep people updated. I don't need like 10. To me, having 10 twitter accounts is like driving an H3 - you must be lacking in some department.
Now, you can't take Fairley by himself. That would be so unFairley like. Fairley has a partner in crime. A boy wonder if you will. A Robin. His name is David Barrett. And he is "THE WORLD'S MOST LINKEDIN LAWYER.........." (Okay, for that to be funny, go back and read it as if you were the guy who does the intro for the Superheros cartoons.) Yes, dude is the world's most linkedin lawyer.
I am pretty sure most of my non-lawyer readers, both of you, will not even know what Linked In is. Heck, most lawyers don't know what it is. And of those of us who do, 8 out of 10 don't care. The other 2 care because they made some money off of Linked In and think they can do it again. I guess I should have reduced my fraction to 4 out of 5, but then I feel like a toothpaste commercial. And what does this Linked In lawyer do? Good question. If you find out, will you let me know?
I know. He sends Spam Links. (Spam on Linked In, get it?) I get more crap on Linked In from this one guy then I do from everyone else combined. And I am not even "linked" with him. I dumped him after he offended me. Again. No, instead he joins every lawyer group known to Linked In and spams the groups. Do you know how obnoxious spam is? Take that and multiply it by 10 because it is from a lawyer. Then multiply it by another 100 because it is from some guy who, best as I can tell, makes his living being linked to other people. That would be like some guy being famous because his wife had 8 kids and they couldn't raise them. Oh wait, that does happen. Sorry.
I guess because you can link to a lot of people you know something about marketing. That would be like me claiming I know something about sewing because I watch a lot of sewing. Really, I do. My wife and her friend sew and I watch. I guess I can now teach people how to sew because I saw it a lot. Just because you can connect to people through some website does not mean you can teach me how to market a law firm!
Seriously, if this is the future of legal marketing we are in trouble, folks. The legal profession is going to go the way of newspapers. We are doomed. If it takes spam and fake twitter accounts and being linked to people through some made up website to market to lawyers and you are going to teach those lawyers how to market, you need to get a clue. That is not marketing. That is called "get rich quick." Although, I would guess that they haven't gotten rich since I keep getting their crap.
Good, ethical lawyer marketing can be done. Want proof? Go see Mark Merenda at Smart Marketing or Allison Sheilds at LegalEase Consulting, Ben Glass at Great Legal Marketing, Jay Fleischmann at LegalPracticePro or Grant Griffiths at G2Webmedia. It can be done. I promise. But stop with the spam. Stop with the grandiose titles. Stop with the fake offers. Stop with all of that nonsense.
By the way, I know this will get back to these two, as well as to some of these other fake marketers. Those who know me well know I don't just sit and hide behind my computer. You think I am wrong? I will debate anyone, anytime, anywhere about ethical, honest lawyer marketing. As Kirsten Dunst would say "Bring it on."
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