Are you a bad client?

Okay, maybe this should be a regular series. You know, I can be one of those attorneys who blogs, or makes up blogs, and then tries to turn it into a book deal or a job or something inane like that. Or, I could just keep my day job and do this for fun. Oh, and not make crap up. Yeah, I think I like that better. But, this could still be a regular series. Maybe "Thinks that make you go hmmmm....." No wait, that was taken in the 90s as a song title by C&C Music Factory. Wait, I think these folks were so cool that it wasn't C&C it was C+C. You know, the plus instead of the ampersand. Okay, how many of you knew that this "&" was called an ampersand? And how many of you could spell it? LIARS!

How about if I call it "You might be a bad client if........" You know, like you might be a redneck if....... Of course, I can combine the two. You might be a bad client is you are a redneck. Just take out the might. That is a guarantee!

Anyway, here are a few signs you are a bad client:

1. You call 20+ times in two hours. (Notice the use of + like C+C so I could think I am cool.) Yes, today, a Saturday, I had a client call 22 times in 2 hours. That works out to more than once every 6 minutes. It is like a call every 5 1/2 minutes. That is absurd. First, who the heck has that much free time that he/she can dial the phone every 5 1/2 minutes? Second, who doesn't get the point? If I am not in the first 5 times you call, do you think I am suddenly going to be in the for the next 17 times? Sure, I could pick up the phone one of those random times, but odds are against it. And leaving me a message every time that I need to call you does not mean I am going to call you. I may call you on a Saturday. Chances are about 50-50. But once in a while I like to hang with Mr. Cooper. No wait, that is a tv show from the 80s with Marc Curry. Dude was not that funny. Once in a while I like to hang with my family and that means no calls or maybe one call. I made my one call today. No more calls for me!

2. You call and then put me on hold! Look, if you want to talk to me, great. I don't mind talking. I am more than happy to answer your questions. I will even give you a consultation. Its one reason I have blogs. I don't mind giving people information. But, if you think that calling me and then when I answer saying "Can you hold on?" is a good idea, think again. It means to me that you think your time is more important than mine. Sure, there are emergencies that come up, but that shouldn't be the first time we talk. And if you do it to me on the initial consultation or more than once, it means you really think your time is more important than my time. That makes you a bad client. I will respect your time, but please respect mine. I have another client or two who probably wants to talk to me.

3. You drop profanity on me. If you want to use profanity regularly, be my guest. Call your friends and have conversations that go "Hey you mother-bleeper, how the bleep are you bleeping doing? Did you hear what that bleephead Billy did? That dude is one bleeped up bleeper." Do it all freaking day if you want. Just don't call me and start with profanity. Do I use it? Sure. Some punk wants to call me and be an idiot, I will get off the phone and call someone or tell someone that the guy is a BLEEP! But, I don't use it on the phone unless some POC debt collector drops it on me. You know, like the guy who said he wished I was dead. Then it is fair game. But if you are a client, you are not going to impress me by dropping profanity in the conversation. In fact, it is going to make me question whether your going to be able to stay professional during a trial or a hearing or some other proceeding.

I am sure there are more ways that you can be a bad client. As they come up, I am sure I am going to blog about them. And I am sure some of the attorneys who read this will add to it. But please folks, just following these three simple rules will make sure you are not a bad client - or at least be a start. Oh, one more: don't sing Pit Bull to me. Ever. Automatic firing!

Today's Song Lyrics

(WARNING: This post contains adult content and an adult topic.)

Have you listened to the radio lately? Try one of those top 40 stations. This ain't your Casey Kasem America's Top 40. (You know you sang that tune when saying America's Top 40. You have to. Its hardwired into you. Everyone does it.) They play songs that make fingernails going down a blackboard sound good. And the lyrics make Biz Markie sound like a poet. You know Biz Markie, he of the famous lyrics "I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah/ She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra." (For those of you over 50 and an attorney in San Jose, you should check it out here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSDXcpXJr4M I mean, this is singing at its best!)

I know its not Tesla or Judas Priest. (Hey, if you like them check out Rockalottapus at www.robarnieanddawn.com where tickets are still available. Of course, if you don't like Tesla, Whitesnake and Judas Priest, why the heck are you going to this lame concert? I mean, watching a cat fight (no, not two women, actual cats fighting) would be more interesting.) But this is some good quality writing. A few examples:

1. Jeremih has a song called "Birthday Sex." It is about sex on one's birthday. Are you surprised? I mean, at least Meatloaf was writing songs about sex and not calling it sex. Who can forget Paradise By the Dashboard Light. Yes, paradise is a euphemism for something else! Jeremih sings:

"See you sexy in them jeans got me on 10/1-2-3... Think I got you pinned/Don't tap out, fight until the end/Ring that bell, and we gon start over again...."

I know Jeremih isn't that bright since his parents apparently thought there was a 7 letter limit on names like license plates. Dude, can I call him dude?, apparently thinks that sex is like the UFC. He doesn't even want her to stop - he wants to go until she blacks out. Really? I don't know about the rest of you, but that is so not how I do it. I think we call that rape in some states.

2. Pitbull has a song called "I Know You Want Me." Now, Pitbull is a white guy who looks like a dweeb. No wait, dweeb is an overstatement. He has dark sunglasses and keeps the microphone so close to his mouth it looks a bit like he is giving fellatio while rapping. His cool lyrics:

"Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey/look like King Kong, welcome to the crib/305 thats what it is/with a woman down ya s*** dont play games...."

Seriously. What the heck does this mean? She has an ass like a donkey? Does that mean it is hairy? Does she have a tail? If so, I think we call that beastiality. And, even if it weren't illegal, I have one thing to say: YUCK! Disgusting. Dude, you want a donkey? Not just any donkey, but a donkey with a monkey? What the hell does that mean? Does she look like King Kong? Cause, I have to tell you, in all of the times I have thought about a woman, she has NEVER EVER EVER looked like King Kong. I mean, there was a Julia Stiles phase, and a Diane Lane phase but never a King Kong phase. Ever. Pitbull clearly needs some help. Dr. Drew? Paging Dr. Drew. No wait, Dr. Phil would rather whore himself out to help Pitbull like he offered to do with Brittany.

3. Baby Bash has a song called "Suga, Suga." Notice the lack of "r" on Suga, Suga. If it were sugar, sugar, we would be talking baking. But, this dude is talking about something else. Apparently. I am not really sure what he is talking about. He sings:

"you like my sticky icky or my sweet ooey gooey"

Really, do I have to make that clearer for you? Is that not clear enough? YUCK! How can you sing about that? At least Paperboy was a bit cleaner in Ditty when he sang:

"Cuz now that I'm rich so many women wanna do me"

Of course, if you saw Paperboy, you would know that the women who wanna do him need a little Lasik. At least some Acuvue. I mean, maybe he can rap, but I am guessing women don't wanna do him. (By the way, how do you tell if he is a good rapper? Is the angle of the gangsta lean in the car an indication of the quality of the rapper?)

I am pretty sure I can write crap like this. How about this:

I am cruisin' for the chicks,
I just got done usin' my Bics,
My head is clean shave,
I think I found a girl who is my fave,
I'm gonna pop and lock and hit that,
While she screams and moans with the kitty cat.

(Okay, its not good. I get that. My rapping skills suck. I am as bad as Shaq at rapping. I get it. I know. I admit it. The point of this is not my rapping skills or my writing skills. Its called a parody people. Laugh!)

I am voting that all bad music be banned forever. And if you write a bad song, you should go join TI in jail. Or maybe we should send you to live with Richard Hatch!