Tuesday was a fun day. I had a court hearing on Tuesday. Then we had a baby birthing class. Apparently, to have a baby, you need to go to class now. I didn't know that having had three kids already. But, if you want want to come out of your wife's stomach, apparently a class helps. (By the way, we had a great instructor and you can see her blog at http://gentlebeginnings.blogspot.com/ and her best post at http://gentlebeginnings.blogspot.com/2008/10/bribing-your-nurse.html Thanks Theresa!)
But before we went to birthing class, I had to go to court. I thought I would be a nice husband and take my wife to breakfast before court. A bagel at Noah's is a good breakfast. Then we went to court. This is an auxiliary court with only 2 courtrooms. There are about 10 chairs to sit in. Its a nice little place.
So we get there and my wife, who is very pregnant, is standing next to me. The seats are all taken. When I was a kid, my dad taught me that you offer your seat to a woman. You especially offer your seat to a pregnant woman. Now, some of these seats were taken by women, but I think in the hierarchy of seats it is elderly woman, elderly man, disabled woman, disabled man, pregnant woman, woman, child, man. So the non-pregnant woman could have offered her seat. But she was too stuck in her "I am a lawyer" mode to notice anyone or anything around her.
For those of you who do not know, I am a lawyer mode is when you are so stuck on being a lawyer that you do not realize that there is a world around you. Some signs to look for: a person introduces himself as "Hi, I am Bob and I am a lawyer;" a person relates every story to the law ("Did you hear that it is going to be 100 tomorrow?" "No, really? I am going to go to court and argue that res ipsa loquitor is a bad idea."); a person puts JD on their license plate as in BOBJD or BOBESQ; and a person uses big words when a small word applies as in "That is more than mere puffery" instead of the better "That is BS!"
But, there were guys there waiting for court. Dude #1 was in a double breasted suit. Double breasted suits went out with the mullet, Achy Breaky Heart, and Billy "Stroke Me" Squire. Seriously, a poorly fitting double breasted suit is more unfortunate than Speedo, no wait, more unfortunate than camel toe. (Sorry, I had to go there.)
Dude #2 was wearing a blue pinstriped suit. Nothing wrong with that, right? I have a blue pinstripe suit. Of course, mine was not the $99 special. But his blue pinstripe suit was being worn with a blue and white checked shirt...........and a horizontal striped tie. Knit. Poorly. I am no Clinton Kelly or Stacy London (who really needs to get rid of the gray stripe in her hair that makes her look like a skunk - a skanky skunk) but even I knew this outfit didn't work - ever. Not even in the 70s.
Dude #3 was too busy keeping his comb-over in place. I thought comb-over's went the way of Michael Jackson's pigmentation. (If you want to be my lover, it don't matter if your black or white - as long as you don't mind that I am opaque. Billie Jean's not my lover/I had my thing removed during my 118th plastic surgery. Okay, enough with the Michael Jackson songs - for this month!) The comb-over looked so bad, I thought the guy liked unicorn porn. No wait, that's not it. Unicorn porn is when the woman..........nevermind. I mean, hermaphrodite porn. (Yes, it exists and I known of someone who likes it. I haven't watched it - but if you have, leave a comment. No wait, don't leave a comment. That's just wrong. Plain wrong. Go get help. Now. Please? I will even pay for your first session.)
Anyway, none of these guys could offer the pregnant lady a seat. I am not asking for much, but offer a woman a seat, you poorly dressed dweebs.
So, after we were in court, it was baby class. This was our last baby class. It was week 5. Technically, it was a 6 week program but the last class is a hospital tour. We did our hospital tour. I wrote about it before. Remember, the non pregnant lady who was taking a tour and taking notes. Huh? Or how about the lady whose husband is a doctor and decided to yell at the nurse who was giving the tour? Nice, lady.
So, it was our last class. And the teacher was nice. And some of the people in class were. Well, most of the people. One guy had to turn everything into a sexual comment. Look, it is not that hard to turn "hands and knees position" into something sexual. I know 14 year olds who could make that joke. My left "toe" (yes toe is a euphemism for another word) could make that joke. Its not that hard. The key to good humor is to take the tough thing and turn it into something funny. So, take the comment about the nanny, well, maybe she was a nanny, and turn that into something funny. And funny doesn't have to be sexual. Go read my Michael Jackson posts. Those were funny. And not sexual. If you can't joke with the big dogs, go play in high school. Please? (By the way, when you have a kid, those jokes will be a lot less funny and you will have to learn to expand your horizons in the humor department!)
Now I feel better!
Showing posts with label Stacey London. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stacey London. Show all posts
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Five Things I Think I Think
With apologies to Peter King of Sports Illustrated. But, heck, he only did it with three. I managed to up the ante, Peter. I got 5. Can you do 7? Think of it like Name That Tune, in reverse. "Bob, I can think about 5 things." "Well, Bob, that's nice, but I can think about 7 things." Bob: "Mark, can you think about 9 things?" "No. I am going to make him THINK THOSE THINGS!" (APPLAUSE)
So, without further nonsensical ramblings, 5 things I think I think:
1. Internet marketing companies - Have you ever noticed how many internet marketing companies use spam to market? They want me to hire them and their method of getting my attention is spam. What the heck? I thought if you were good at internet marketing, I would Google "internet marketing company" and you would come up first. After all, if I Google for lawyer marketing, Smart Marketing comes up first. No, that is not a shameless plug for my friend Mark Merenda. It is just a fact. He comes up first. If you are a marketing company run by a guy who sounds like a cow, then you do not come up first. Of course, Mark also doesn't tell you that anything about Nazi's are good. Another good reason to hire him! But, I digress - again. If you claim to be a marketing consultant and you have to spam me, doesn't it tell me everything I need to know about your marketing skills? Just wondering.
2. Make up - what is the deal with woman wearing eye make up that runs up their foreheads and to their ears? I get a little eye shadow is nice. It can bring out the color of your eyes. It can look pretty. But, running it up your face, across the forehead and to the ears? That just screams "I think Tami Faye Baker was pretty." You might as well wear a sign that says "My brother is also my father." I mean, the only thing worse than this make up, is having a tattoo across your chest and up your neck. YUCK! Guys do not find either look attractive. Trust me on this. I promise. If you can find a guy who thinks it is attractive, I will show you a guy who thinks Stacey London is attractive. (Note to Stacey: if you are going to tell people what to wear, someone should tell you this: that little streak of gray hair in the front is lame. Give it up!)
3. Muscle shirts - why the hell do guys wear these shirts? What are you trying to prove? That you have muscles? Great. Thanks for the notice. But, dude, if your shirt has less material than a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model bathing suit, you are not cool. In fact, you may want to consider attending LA - Losers Anonymous. You are doing it to show everyone how cool you are. Guess what? You aren't cool. You aren't much. At least, I am pretty sure that is what your girlfriend said when she saw you showering. I mean, your shirt material, all 3", could be used to make your jock strap. At least, that's what I heard. Put on a shirt, you weenie-less weenie. Get a life!
4. Hi, its me - Really? It's you? Thanks. Now, just tell me this: WHO ARE YOU? How am I supposed to recognize your voice? Sure, I know my wife's voice. I can recognize my kids. I even know the voice of my mother, who doesn't call me that often - or ever. But, after that, I probably can't recognize your voice. Sure, if you have a strange accent and you call me, I can probably figure it out. But, if you are Sally Field or Sally Struthers or Sally States, I probably don't recognize your voice. Well, Sally States I do because she has an accent. But the rest of you, is it that hard to say "Hi, its Suzy." It really is one syllable more than "me" and not that hard. Try it - you might like the sound of your own name, unless your name is something like Tyneia or Erica.
5. Cologne - really, do guys still wear cologne? Really? I mean, I think I outgrew cologne when I was like 17. I used to wear Polo. I admit it - I was a preppie. I wore Polo cologne. But I cannot think of the last time I wore cologne. And there are ads for cologne everywhere. Do guys actually put this on? Or is it muscle shirt guy who wears it? I mean, who else would wear this stuff. Do women actually like the smell? Wait, even I know that answer - women like the smell of cologne as much as they like Al Bundy's hand down his britches. (Come on - the use of britches there was brilliant, just brilliant. You weren't expecting it. I feel like Matt Damon in Ocean's Thirteen talking to his dad - the nose sold it. The britches sold it. Admit it already!) How about we give the cologne a break? Please? The women of the world will appreciate it.
So, there you go. Five things I think. I beat Peter King. I beat Peter King! Na ni na ni poo poo!
So, without further nonsensical ramblings, 5 things I think I think:
1. Internet marketing companies - Have you ever noticed how many internet marketing companies use spam to market? They want me to hire them and their method of getting my attention is spam. What the heck? I thought if you were good at internet marketing, I would Google "internet marketing company" and you would come up first. After all, if I Google for lawyer marketing, Smart Marketing comes up first. No, that is not a shameless plug for my friend Mark Merenda. It is just a fact. He comes up first. If you are a marketing company run by a guy who sounds like a cow, then you do not come up first. Of course, Mark also doesn't tell you that anything about Nazi's are good. Another good reason to hire him! But, I digress - again. If you claim to be a marketing consultant and you have to spam me, doesn't it tell me everything I need to know about your marketing skills? Just wondering.
2. Make up - what is the deal with woman wearing eye make up that runs up their foreheads and to their ears? I get a little eye shadow is nice. It can bring out the color of your eyes. It can look pretty. But, running it up your face, across the forehead and to the ears? That just screams "I think Tami Faye Baker was pretty." You might as well wear a sign that says "My brother is also my father." I mean, the only thing worse than this make up, is having a tattoo across your chest and up your neck. YUCK! Guys do not find either look attractive. Trust me on this. I promise. If you can find a guy who thinks it is attractive, I will show you a guy who thinks Stacey London is attractive. (Note to Stacey: if you are going to tell people what to wear, someone should tell you this: that little streak of gray hair in the front is lame. Give it up!)
3. Muscle shirts - why the hell do guys wear these shirts? What are you trying to prove? That you have muscles? Great. Thanks for the notice. But, dude, if your shirt has less material than a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model bathing suit, you are not cool. In fact, you may want to consider attending LA - Losers Anonymous. You are doing it to show everyone how cool you are. Guess what? You aren't cool. You aren't much. At least, I am pretty sure that is what your girlfriend said when she saw you showering. I mean, your shirt material, all 3", could be used to make your jock strap. At least, that's what I heard. Put on a shirt, you weenie-less weenie. Get a life!
4. Hi, its me - Really? It's you? Thanks. Now, just tell me this: WHO ARE YOU? How am I supposed to recognize your voice? Sure, I know my wife's voice. I can recognize my kids. I even know the voice of my mother, who doesn't call me that often - or ever. But, after that, I probably can't recognize your voice. Sure, if you have a strange accent and you call me, I can probably figure it out. But, if you are Sally Field or Sally Struthers or Sally States, I probably don't recognize your voice. Well, Sally States I do because she has an accent. But the rest of you, is it that hard to say "Hi, its Suzy." It really is one syllable more than "me" and not that hard. Try it - you might like the sound of your own name, unless your name is something like Tyneia or Erica.
5. Cologne - really, do guys still wear cologne? Really? I mean, I think I outgrew cologne when I was like 17. I used to wear Polo. I admit it - I was a preppie. I wore Polo cologne. But I cannot think of the last time I wore cologne. And there are ads for cologne everywhere. Do guys actually put this on? Or is it muscle shirt guy who wears it? I mean, who else would wear this stuff. Do women actually like the smell? Wait, even I know that answer - women like the smell of cologne as much as they like Al Bundy's hand down his britches. (Come on - the use of britches there was brilliant, just brilliant. You weren't expecting it. I feel like Matt Damon in Ocean's Thirteen talking to his dad - the nose sold it. The britches sold it. Admit it already!) How about we give the cologne a break? Please? The women of the world will appreciate it.
So, there you go. Five things I think. I beat Peter King. I beat Peter King! Na ni na ni poo poo!
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