Why does anyone like San Francisco?

So, today I was in San Francisco. My friends at Avvo (need an attorney, go to www.avvo.com to find an attorney) invited me as part of the Avvo World Tour 2009. This was the West Coast swing. And I only got invited to part of it - the San Francisco stop. Somehow they keep going to San Francisco and skipping Sacramento. What, is the state capital not good enough for you? Does having the Governator here not work for you? Is Lake Tahoe too close? Oh wait, I know, the smart folks at Avvo didn't want to be dumbed down by the morons at the Capitol who can't seem to figure out how to add and subtract to pass a budget. But that is a whole different rant.

So, I end up in San Francisco, which shall now be called SF because its shorter for me to type. I always hear people say how great SF is. Um, why? No, seriously, why? I get the appeal of New York (my favorite city in the world and the home of the Cosmos in the 1970s and early 1980s). I see why America's Finest City, San Diego, is attractive. I even get New Orleans. But, San Francisco? Here are some observations:

1. The public toilet. WTF? I mean, really, it is a public toilet. Outside. You pay to use it. Anyone want to guess who uses it in SF? No, not me. The homeless dude. He collects his money and then pays the $1 or so to use it. And he sits in there. And showers. Well, washes up. And pees all over the place. And then you want me to pay to go in there? I would rather buy an overpriced burger to use a restaurant bathroom - and then not eat the burger. In fact, if I had to choose between the public toilet or dropping trou in the middle of Pier 39, its not even close - I drop trou. If you offered me $1,000 to use the public restroom or I had to drop trou in the middle of Candlestick Park, I still drop trou. Hey fine folks in SF, try taking out the toilets and spend a few more dollars on shelters.

2. The streets. Ever been to a well designed big city? Ever notice anything about the layout? It is a grid. A nice grid. Sometimes the lettered streets go one way and the numbers another way. Sometimes the "Street" and "Avenue" designation indicate which way streets go. But, usually, there is an easy layout. I can walk from Central Park to Times Square without an issue. But, the geniuses who laid out San Francisco decided that no layout would be better. They apparently think that curving streets and intersections where three streets connect are good ideas. They don't mind if you are driving down Embarcadero and you can make a sharp right turn onto "Holy Crap this street is steep Way" or a less sharp right turn onto "Dang, another homeless dude sitting in the Road." Do you ever wonder why tourists don't drive in SF? It is solely because you can't find your way without a map and Bear Grylls.

3. The economy. The economy of SF seems to tick when tourists are separated from their money by buying shlock. This is a shlockonomy. And it is the same garbage from street to street. Walk from Ghirardelli Square to Pier 39. You seem $10 "Ray Ban" sunglasses. No wait, I am sorry, these are "Rae Bun" sunglasses. You see "Cucci" purses next to "Booney and Dork." You see t-shirts that are so thin they look like Right Said Fred was wearing them. Then you get the 2 sweatshirts for $30 or 3 for $25. (No, that is not a typo.) You see cameras from Nylon and Cannonball. And people buy this stuff like you can't find it anywhere else. Well, some of it you can't find anywhere else because it has lead based paint in it. And some of it looks like it was made with child labor from Oakland. Hell, the gangs have to do something to earn money besides shoot each other. It is amazing that the economy does not completely falter over there!

4. The prices. Okay, so parking at Pier 39 cost me $21. Then parking at the hotel was another $45. Lunch was over $50 for two adults and one 5 year old. Really? Lunch is that expensive to sit outside and watch bush man (get your head out of the gutter, he is bush man, not ............ nevermind) while eating a sandwich or two? And parking at $15 per hour? For space. For space where my car could be crushed at anytime from an earthquake. You should pay me for bringing my car into your city. You should thank me for wanting to come and make sure I can park so I can buy more of your shlock to bring home! Sheesh.

5. The people. First, a toothbrush goes a long way. A mint? Gum? Anything? Please. Do I need to bring my own bottle of scope when I go? Second, I am not related to Ben Stein. I don't look like Ben Stein. I don't talk like Ben Stein. I don't even know Ben Stein. I didn't win any of his money. He didn't give me any money. He wouldn't even take my phone calls when I tried! That restraining order ended, Ben, and I can call again. (Its a joke, people, laugh! The restraining order didn't cover phone calls, just visits to his house!) I don't really care to be compared to Ben Stein. If you listen to me for all over 30 seconds, you will quickly figure out I didn't go to Harvard, don't use words with more than two syllables and have no interest in acting! Please, stop. It only happens in San Francisco. At least the scope needing dude wasn't also the Ben Stein questioner!

But, other than that, the time was fun. I did meet a nice woman, who saved me from scope dude. Thanks Collete. Sorry he needed gum. I will make sure that I bring some next time. It's not like there weren't enough mints on the tables. Sheesh! And Mark and Conrad were very nice, even if Conrad did annoy my wife in the first 30 seconds and she is making me sleep on the couch - outside! Maybe next time they will invite me up to Seattle and I can see the fish throwing before PETA gets that banned. Or, maybe, just maybe, they will come to the capital of the 7th largest economy in the WORLD and stop snubbing Sac-of-potato!

Larry Bodine is a Marketing Goon

So I get this unsolicited email from this guy Larry Bodine about Avvo. Avvo may be the greatest thing for lawyers since the invention of a laptop. (Full Disclosure: I have no interest in Avvo, financial or otherwise.) However, Larry Bovine says that Avvo has no credibility. This is coming from a guy who is a "marketing consultant."

Stein's Dictionary - consultant - n - one who tells others how to do what he cannot do. Usage: That consultant is telling me how to run my law practice when he doesn't even know how to run a law practice.

So, since Larry wants to tell us why Avvo has no credibility, here is my top 10 list of reasons why Bodiner has no credibility:

10. He charges attorneys for access to an email marketing list. Yes, and he calls it successful. I guess it is successful if you measure success by putting money in his pocket. I run two marketing lists for attorneys that are FREE! Yes, mine are FREE and have access to some of the smartest marketing folks in the country.

9. Bodine is not on my marketing lists. When I say my, I mean I am just the dufus who took on the responsibility of running the list. I have no ownership interest in it. It is, like Mt. Everest, there.

8. Bodine has a picture that makes me think "1984." No, not the movie. Look at the dude's picture on his website. If the feathered hair does not tell you that he is stuck in the 80s, then the collar on his shirt does!

7. Apollo Business Development? Isn't Apollo from the 60s? Or did the Apollo theater give him the idea? Oh wait, that is not around either. Is there anything still around called Apollo? Anything? Bueller?

6. He was named "Technolawyer Legal Technology Consultant of the Year." Isn't that like being named Head Dungeon Master of the Year? Or maybe it is "Longest Title of the Year Winner of a Contest Sponsored by a Company who Wants Their Name in the Title of the Award and gave it to the Winner of the Company Named Award?" Just wondering.

5. He "conducts market assessments?" The key to this is closely reading the first three letters of the last word in quotes. Isn't that a bit like making an assumption? Here is a market assessment: consumers use Avvo. Thus, attorneys should use Avvo. Dang it - now I gave it away for free. You all owe me $15,000 for my market assessment. Make checks payable to "Thank Goodness I don't call myself a business development advisor or I would shoot myself."

4. He uses the word "Rainmaker" in a sentence when not quoting from John Grisham. Really, does anyone use the word "Rainmaker" if you are a real conversation? Do normal people use that word? Of course not. Heck, most attorneys do not use it.

3. He quotes from an article with a guy who wants to sue someone - immediately. Okay, I understand there is a time and place to sue people. After all, it is what I do. But, I try to resolve disputes in a friendly way first. The guy who BVDine quotes starts with talking about suing people. Sheesh. Don't we have enough lawsuits? (Oh, memo to attorney who wants to sue Avvo: if you have been disciplined, even if you have "resolved it," the public has a right to know.)

2. He has no idea what most of the lawyers in this country do yet professes to tell us. Look, he has consulted with 3,000 attorney firms down to 25 member "boutique" firms. Great for all of those people with money to throw away. Voipdine apparently does not realize that most attorneys in this country are solo and small firm practitioners. That means 5 attorneys and under. Yet, he, who has never worked with us based on his own website, is going to tell us that a tool that a lot of use and like has no credibility? Isn't that like me telling George Clooney how to play Danny Ocean in Ocean's 14?

1. He is jealous. He is just upset that he did not come up with this first. How can you tell? Because he thinks people care what he thinks. He thinks it is important to tell people HIS opinion. Dude, your opinion isn't worth the paper it is written on. Oh wait, you are too cool to write. I am sure you dictate. It is not worth the MP3 file it is saved in.

I feel better now.

EDIT: Bonus Coverage: This is like watching March Madness and then there is a close game somewhere else and they cut away:

0. Bodine feels Americans are lazy. Per Bovine's blog: "America needs to wake up and stop being lazy...." Really? We do. Hey Lar, can I call you Lar?, come spend a day with my laziness. I am sure you will find that I am just a lazy bum. I prefer you come on a Friday - sparring day! But, you could come on a day like today where I worked all day and then went and taught taekwondo lessons. I am sure I am lazy. I know, I am the exception, not the rule? Right. If you think we are lazy, go find your clients elsewhere.

-1. Bodine frequently finds use of the N word funny. No, not that N word. The N word that describes Hitler's regime. Apparently, there is some joke he found about Bush Bimbo, er, Limbaugh, and Nazis. Of course, he also thinks the best elevator speech ever answers the question of what you do for a living with "I am a Nazi medical researcher." Really? That's funny. I know, Bopuke is going to say that he has Jewish blood in him. Oh, by the way, there is no such thing as "Jewish blood." It is a religion - not a nationality. But it is not funny. Never. Ever. If you think that is funny you are a bigger moron than the douche who questioned by parenting skills while going in to a tanning salon!

I believe the consensus is in: Larry Bodine is to lawyers like Scott Boras is to baseball agents - he thinks he is better than he is and most of the people he works with cannot stand him.