The Beautiful Game

This friggin game is ruining my life. (Extra points if you know where I stole that line from - and NO LOOKING IT UP!) No, really, it is. It is the beautiful game. And I love it. I have been playing for over 30 years. Heck, I like the game so much, I have a soccer ball on me. Most of you reading this have seen it. That is dedication.

But the game is being ruined. Quickly. And it is being ruined by adults. Not adults like Wayne Rooney, although dude's temper makes me look like Mother Theresa. No, adults who want to run the kid's game. They seem to be missing a few things, so I thought I would take it upon myself to remind them. So, 7 things wrong with the beautiful game - or the people who coach it in my town!

1. Its a game. Yes, folks, it is a freaking game. It is something kids play. When I was growing up, we would play shirts and skins and use the shirts from the skins to make two goals. Heck, we didn't need no stinkin goals! Hit a tree and it counts. But, it is a game. Remember that and stop taking yourself so dang serious, Mr. 4 bills.

2a. Matching practice shirts. Now that we got the fact that it is a game out of the way, why are kids wearing matching practice shirts? Kids. Like 8. Some are gray with numbers on the back. Some are white with numbers on the back. Why? Seriously, why? Do you need to all look alike to play like a team. Does it help your skill level? Or, and this may be a stretch, is it some adult who thinks it looks cool and makes the league some extra money who came up with the idea? Do you think the kids care? We used to practice in whatever shirt we had on. The matching practice shirt doesn't do anything. At all. Stop. Give it up. It is lame!

2b. Matching soccer balls. Really, do I need to say more? Yellow freaking balls with black stars on them. I mean, seriously? Yellow balls. Maybe blue balls would be better. Maybe non matching balls. Does the ball make that much difference to you? Are you David Beckham and trying to spin the ball around a wall from 30 yards and get it to dip under the crossbar? NO! So your ball doesn't really matter.

3. Regimented practices. Okay, so a weave can be useful in soccer. Trust me. Don't ask me to explain. It requires a diagram or actual people on a field. I don't have that. So leave me alone about it. But, it works. Sometimes. But these dang coaches have the kids run it regardless (notice its not irregardless!) of what the defender does. The defender turns out, you don't pass the ball outside. You take it inside and turn the defender. But they can't teach that. Primarily because dude can't do it himself. There is a good reason I don't coach basketball at all 5'5 of me. This dude cannot run a weave to show the variations. But trust me, the defender turns outside, you don't pass the ball there. You go straight up the middle and put the ball in the back of the net!

4. Not playing at practice. What is the fastest way to get better at a sport? Play. It is that simple. I see practices where the kids don't play. Sure, they do drills. Sure, they run up and back, then left, then right, then through these dang hurdle things that someone thinks are useful, but they don't actually play soccer. Break out a little soccer game during soccer practice. Do you think Newcastle doesn't play a game during their practice? You think Messi and Barca got so good by running drills all practice long? You get better by playing the game.

5. Dumb introductions. Okay, there is a team by me that practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Its a girls team and the girls might be 9 or 10. When a new player comes, they do the following: line up, new kid does fit bump, high five, elbow smash like McGuire and Canseco (two guys you want your little girl to grow up and emulate), around the back five, dance, hug, jump up twice and spin around. Okay, so maybe I made up everything after dance. But the rest is true. They do this each time a new girl comes to practice. Every single time. Why? All it does it look ridiculous and waste time. And someone thinks this is good. What a waste of freaking time.

6. Coaches shirts. Okay, I get that a coach should wear A shirt when coaching. Maybe even something with the team colors. I like to wear a white polo. My kids wear a white uniform. Makes sense. I go coach practice, though, in any t-shirt I have laying around. Okay, I make sure it has sleeves, but that is it! I see guys out there wearing a jersey that matches the kids' shirts. Matches. With a number. Why? Does someone think this is a good look? Does it make you feel part of the team? Are you trying to relive your youth? What do you hope to accomplish, Mr. I kick the ball with my toe? How about stop pretending you are one of the players on the team and act more like Sir Alex Ferguson.

Really, am I asking a lot? Take off the uniforms, drop the matching balls, and let the kids play the dang game. Is that too much to ask?