My kid can't play on my team?

Bill Orton was a cautious man. I am not. Why do you care? Because I am about to rip into people. A lot. And it may have some negative consequences. But, as Robbie Nevil said, c'est la vie, c'est la vie, that's just the way it goes.

So, I have a few kids. Maybe a herd of kids. And they are close in age. The boys are 9, 7 and 5. The 7 and 5 year old each played soccer last year. I had two teams - an under 7 team and an under 6 team. It was a lot. And some folks didn't make it any easier for me. A few parents complained. A few folks complained. Deal with it, right? So this year, I had an idea. I will put the 5 year old on the 7 year old's team. Then they can play together and I only have 1 team. This gives me more time for other soccer stuff: refereeing, being on the board, etc.... So, I asked for it.

Now, this should be pretty simple. It was approved by my local club. (Our town has its own league and there are half a dozen clubs within the league.) Apparently, however, that's not good enough. It has to be approved by the other clubs as well. Why? I don't really know. So, last night I get an email that one club has said no.

Let me see if I get this straight. I want my son to play on my team and play with his brother and you say no? Why? Really? You have some problem with this. A few thoughts:

This friggin game is ruining my life. I have over 30 years of playing this freaking game. How much experience? I have been playing since I was 4. I have been referreeing since I was 10. I have been coaching since I was 20. That is an awful lot of soccer. Oh, and that doesn't even count the years and years of soccer camps.

I had my kid dribbling the soccer ball the length of the field at age 2. Not because I pushed him, but because he wanted to be like his brother. I think I know a thing or two about the game. If I think my kid can play up an age group, who are they to argue? Heck, last year he played in a game when we played a team of 8 year olds. He held his own and was the smallest kid on the field. How about giving a guy a little respect?

I also give a ton of time to the league. I coach, I referee and I volunteer on the board. Heck, last year I wasn't even on the board and managed to help out the board. They need someone to referee a team where the coach is out of control? I volunteer. They need someone to ref a game at the last minute? Sure, I will do it. They need someone to ref a game of 18 year old boys and their obnoxious parents? Yep, I will do it. Someone needs to start an email campaign because parks and rec closed the fields on a sunny day for soccer but let flag flippin football play? I am all over that. Now, I need a little help and no? Really? No?

Of course, I was up front with my reasons. Look, two teams is a lot. My wife is knocked up and due in October. I am on the board. Of course, they say he can play on a team with his age and we can just find someone to take him to practice or the games. Great, then I get to miss his games.

I am not sure if anyone else gets this, but it is RECREATIONAL SPORTS! What is the purposes of sports? Besides teaching kids to play together, have fun, etc... its for parents to spend time with their kids. Thinking back about my childhood, some of my best memories with my dad are soccer related. Lets see: him walking me down the aisle at my wedding (don't freaking laugh, it was sweet); our drive cross country in a 72 Buick Skylark convertible; driving to a soccer tournament in Virginia in his Vette and making it through Delaware in 20 minutes; my dad having my back at a soccer game and yelling at the referee for me; my last year of playing in a league when I was pulled out of the game by the coach after making a smart soccer play and my dad telling me it was a great play and the coach was a moron. Look, three of them are soccer related. Why? Because it is what we do.

I don't understand. My dad passed the game on to me. I want to pass it on to my kids, especially the youngest. He never met my dad. He was named after my dad. It is my obligation to pass this on. It is something that can go from generation to generation. And it is very important to me.

How important is it? This important. I have two pieces of ink on me. One is a soccer ball with my kid's initials and opposite that is one for my dad. You think soccer is important to me? Soccer is a metaphor for life. Hell, I have used soccer to explain the practice of law.

So now some fat dudes are going to tell me my kid can't play on my team. Of course, if it were for "competitive reasons" he could. Really? Competitive reasons? Does the name Freddy Adu mean anything? He was the next prodigy. He was the soccer star who was going to save the US national team. He doesn't even play anymore for the natioanl team.

Meanwhile, Prof. Julio Mazzei, may he rest in peace, taught me that sometimes you have to mix things up. I remember being at his soccer camp at about age 10 or 11. I was playing with the white team. The blue team needed someone. He asked me to switch. I said no. Um, for the record, you don't say no to Pele's coach. It would be like telling Phil Jackson no. So, the game came to a screeching halt. The lecture began. And, in his deep accent, he explained that every goalie must play some games with no gloves. Every defender must play forward. Every left wing should play on the right. And, sometimes you have to play with older kids. Why? To get better.

Now, this was not a one time lesson. Werner Roth taught me the same thing. I was 6 and at his soccer camp for kids 8 to 18. Apparently, my dad pulled some strings. I was small. Really small. I mean, I took small to a whole new level. On the last day of camp, we were watching an exhibition. Werner called me out and had two goals set up. Now, for those of you who are not up on your 70s soccer, Werner Roth was the captain of the NY Cosmos. Think of playing one on one with Jordan in the 90s or Derek Jeter. We played. Somehow, I scored and won 1-0. This became a tradition. (Heck, Werner, if you are reading this now, I think I can take you. I will buy the airline ticket and fly to NY. You and me at Giants Stadium. $500 to the charity of the winners choice.) I asked him years later why. Why did you play one on one with some scrawny little kid from the burbs? His answer: because he saw that I had potential.

Now, don't get me wrong. I was never a national level player. I was never going to play college soccer. I admit my knowledge of the game exceeds my playing ability. I can sit and watch something develop and tell someone where to be better than getting there myself. But, that has stuck with me. And that is something my kid needs to learn.

Look, the little one is never going to be Landon Donovan or Brian McBride. I get that. But my kid has potential. He can learn the game. And he can learn it from me. I can pass on what I learned from my dad. I can share those moments with him. And isn't that what this is about?

Now, I have a whole bunch of out of out of shape guys telling me no. Most of these guys have never played the game. I am sure I can still run circles around any of them today. In fact, some of them play with me and someone is getting a shoulder charge next time we play. You guys have forgotten the spirit of the game. It is called the beautiful game not because we want to win or because you have a team that is good. It is called the beautiful game because when the game is played, all is good in the world. Just ask anyone who knows me: I step onto the field and all is good.

I can be very helpful when I want to be. I can also be the biggest jerk in the world. I can make life miserable. Just ask anyone who I have sued and has ticked me off.

So there may not be much I can do. I will get ticked off. I will write a few emails. However, when I get my kid on my team, and it will happen, we might put a few teams away 8 or 9 to nothing. Its not that I want to run up the score, but if you think my kid can't play on my team because of his age, you are in for a big surprise. That little kid is going to score and his brother is going to make sure no one gets near our goal. I apologize in advance for whooping these other teams.

The Beautiful Game

This friggin game is ruining my life. (Extra points if you know where I stole that line from - and NO LOOKING IT UP!) No, really, it is. It is the beautiful game. And I love it. I have been playing for over 30 years. Heck, I like the game so much, I have a soccer ball on me. Most of you reading this have seen it. That is dedication.

But the game is being ruined. Quickly. And it is being ruined by adults. Not adults like Wayne Rooney, although dude's temper makes me look like Mother Theresa. No, adults who want to run the kid's game. They seem to be missing a few things, so I thought I would take it upon myself to remind them. So, 7 things wrong with the beautiful game - or the people who coach it in my town!

1. Its a game. Yes, folks, it is a freaking game. It is something kids play. When I was growing up, we would play shirts and skins and use the shirts from the skins to make two goals. Heck, we didn't need no stinkin goals! Hit a tree and it counts. But, it is a game. Remember that and stop taking yourself so dang serious, Mr. 4 bills.

2a. Matching practice shirts. Now that we got the fact that it is a game out of the way, why are kids wearing matching practice shirts? Kids. Like 8. Some are gray with numbers on the back. Some are white with numbers on the back. Why? Seriously, why? Do you need to all look alike to play like a team. Does it help your skill level? Or, and this may be a stretch, is it some adult who thinks it looks cool and makes the league some extra money who came up with the idea? Do you think the kids care? We used to practice in whatever shirt we had on. The matching practice shirt doesn't do anything. At all. Stop. Give it up. It is lame!

2b. Matching soccer balls. Really, do I need to say more? Yellow freaking balls with black stars on them. I mean, seriously? Yellow balls. Maybe blue balls would be better. Maybe non matching balls. Does the ball make that much difference to you? Are you David Beckham and trying to spin the ball around a wall from 30 yards and get it to dip under the crossbar? NO! So your ball doesn't really matter.

3. Regimented practices. Okay, so a weave can be useful in soccer. Trust me. Don't ask me to explain. It requires a diagram or actual people on a field. I don't have that. So leave me alone about it. But, it works. Sometimes. But these dang coaches have the kids run it regardless (notice its not irregardless!) of what the defender does. The defender turns out, you don't pass the ball outside. You take it inside and turn the defender. But they can't teach that. Primarily because dude can't do it himself. There is a good reason I don't coach basketball at all 5'5 of me. This dude cannot run a weave to show the variations. But trust me, the defender turns outside, you don't pass the ball there. You go straight up the middle and put the ball in the back of the net!

4. Not playing at practice. What is the fastest way to get better at a sport? Play. It is that simple. I see practices where the kids don't play. Sure, they do drills. Sure, they run up and back, then left, then right, then through these dang hurdle things that someone thinks are useful, but they don't actually play soccer. Break out a little soccer game during soccer practice. Do you think Newcastle doesn't play a game during their practice? You think Messi and Barca got so good by running drills all practice long? You get better by playing the game.

5. Dumb introductions. Okay, there is a team by me that practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Its a girls team and the girls might be 9 or 10. When a new player comes, they do the following: line up, new kid does fit bump, high five, elbow smash like McGuire and Canseco (two guys you want your little girl to grow up and emulate), around the back five, dance, hug, jump up twice and spin around. Okay, so maybe I made up everything after dance. But the rest is true. They do this each time a new girl comes to practice. Every single time. Why? All it does it look ridiculous and waste time. And someone thinks this is good. What a waste of freaking time.

6. Coaches shirts. Okay, I get that a coach should wear A shirt when coaching. Maybe even something with the team colors. I like to wear a white polo. My kids wear a white uniform. Makes sense. I go coach practice, though, in any t-shirt I have laying around. Okay, I make sure it has sleeves, but that is it! I see guys out there wearing a jersey that matches the kids' shirts. Matches. With a number. Why? Does someone think this is a good look? Does it make you feel part of the team? Are you trying to relive your youth? What do you hope to accomplish, Mr. I kick the ball with my toe? How about stop pretending you are one of the players on the team and act more like Sir Alex Ferguson.

Really, am I asking a lot? Take off the uniforms, drop the matching balls, and let the kids play the dang game. Is that too much to ask?

Baseball Dad or Soccer Dad

Okay, this isn't a rant about the guy who plays baseball. Although, there is something to be said of CPAs and lawyers and social workers playing baseball. Those guys take it so seriously. Very seriously. But the next group who takes it seriously: the guys who think that by coaching sports they make up for the fact that they cannot play sports.

Yes, you, Mr. I want to coach the World Cup team so I can tell everyone I know about sports. Look, not to brag, but my right leg is more athletic than you. Seriously. Not my left leg, but definitely my right leg. I think I could hop faster than you can run. How can you tell this guy?

1. He talks about his competitive days. He will make claims about 8 hour tests. He will listen to you talking to your buddies and then come over and brag about how he did something better. You ran a half marathon? He ran a full marathon - and back. You biked 20 miles one day? He does a century before 5am. You broke a board with a kick? He broke a concrete wall - by looking at it.

2. His wife is never seen. Oh, he is married and has kids, but you don't see the wife. She is the soft spoken kind. Why? Well, either he bought her in Russia or some other 3rd world country or he has explained to her that she can do nothing without his permission. She will occasionally show up, but only so everyone can see she is a real person. She will not talk, and when she does, it is looking at your feet.

3. His kids are not athletic, but that is not their fault. It is his fault, since it is his sperm! At all. In any way. Seriously, the trampoline would give them trouble. Walking and chewing gum takes tremendous mental focus for them. They have a difficult time not only figuring out how to throw, but they are barely coordinated enough to throw up.

4. He has big toys. Face it - he is compensating for something. Maybe he drives the Hummer. Maybe he bought the Escalade and than raised it up, although that would mean he cannot get in it without making a fool of himself. He has the latest cell phone or some other techy thing. Yes, it is called COMPENSATION!

5. He recruits kids to his sports team. Yes, recruits. And I do not mean like USC recruiting OJ Mayo. I mean, he is trying to find 6 year olds and 7 year olds to play on his sports team. And his motivation? To beat you. And not the generic you, but you the guy who he thinks he is more athletic than. He wants to prove it to you. He wants everyone to see how great his team is. Really? If you ask anyone to play on your team and they are under 14, you are a big, fat, dumb, moronic, wannabe Spice Girl. (Don't ask, it sounded like it would work. It clearly didn't, but think of my analogies like baseball: .300 ain't bad!) Recruiting little kids to your sports team is a waste of time and energy and means you need hobbies - and a ****.

Am I wrong?

What the f?

Seriously. What the f? Why do people think it is appropriate to use this word, and its brothers in profanity, all the time?

I was at my adult co-ed soccer game today. Let me say that again: ADULT. CO-ED. GAME. Yes, a whole bunch of adults running around chasing a white ball for 100 yards. Men and women. I like competition as much as the next guy. No, wait, I like competition more than the next guy. I like to win. I admit it. But this is adult co-ed soccer. If I win, I get a lousy t-shirt. In fact, if I win, I will donate my t-shirt. I may even get everyone on my team to donate the t-shirts.

At today's game, we played GH United. I thought GH stood for Greenhaven. But, no, it stood for Going-to-Hell. Or maybe it stood for Gross Hookers. Or maybe it was Gigantic Hoodlums. Either way, this team made Andrew Dice Clay sound clean. From the first whistle, they were s eating, f dropping SOBs.

Now, I understand the occasional use of the f word. I get the fact that a construction worker can hit his hand with a hammer and yell it. I understand that an attorney may blow a deadline and yell "Oh s---." There is a time and a place where the once in a while use is okay.

But this was absurd. This was like walking through a prison. (Of course, it didn't hurt that one guy apparently wanted to fight me.) I thought I was listening to "Pelican Bay: The Greatest Hits."

I just don't understand. Why the constant need for profanity? And why when women and little kids are around? It just makes no sense to me. If these folks cannot keep their mouths clean, they should go play somewhere else - say the Folsom Prison Soccer League?