Operation Fake-O

Ever watch Tru TV? This used to be called Court TV but they changed the name. (At least when Sci Fi changed their name to SyFy, they did it for trademark purposes.) Tru TV now has the tagline "Not Reality. Actuality." Really? Let's take a look at one of their shows, Operation Repo.

First, the characters. Luis Pizarro plays himself. He claims to be an ex-Marine. Have you seen this dude? Dude is 5'8 and like 500lbs. Seriously, the guy who was the world's largest man looked smaller than Luis. Now, I have known a lot of Marines in my life. And a few ex Marines. This guy doesn't look like an ex-Marine, he looks like he ate an ex Marine, or a company of Marines. But that's just me. He thinks he is a bad arse, but his only move seems to be sitting on people. It is like Dumbo sitting on a person. Except Dumbo is cuter. And smarter.

Then there is Sonia Pizzaro. How do you describe Sonia? Well, she would be white trash if she was white. She doesn't pronounce her name "Son-ya" like normal people. It is like "Sun-ia." Huh? That is not even a name. It is like "Hey, the sun came out today." Its not a name, you who ate the Marine company with your brother. I hope you two weren't twins. Wait, that's not nice. Maybe you were so your parents only had to deal with you two once. Between Luis trying to be tough and you trying to be, well, you try to be something, it is enough to make Kate Gosselin doing her new boyfriend look palatable.

Then we have Froylan Tercero. This guy apparently dated Sonia. Or was married to her. He claims to have a few girls on the side. Really? Froylan, why not be honest with us? You haven't seen a woman in a romantic position since probably '95. Maybe even '94. You think that MC Hammer is still good music. You think Paula Abdul's music is make out music still. Dude, at least admit when you have no game. I can do it - I got no game. Of course, I am married so I don't really need game. You, on the other hand, need game - or more money than you make on this POS show.

Lyndah Pizzaro is Luis daughter. Um, where's mom? San Quentin? Pelican Bay? This girl has as much class as Tila Tequila. Hell, at least Tila knows how to spell. Lyndah is not a cool spelling of Linda, it is an illiterate spelling of a name. I know Luis wants you to go back to college, but I think you should try to make it out of 6th grade. Think of Adam Sandler in Billy Madison. You should go back to school and start at the beginning. Your command of the English language is a bit like listening to the guy in the Gods Must Be Crazy.

Finally, we have Matt Burch. Go check out dude's website. I would link to it, but you know I don't like to give these folks PR. Okay, here it is - http://bigmattburch.com. Go read his about page. It takes about as long as it takes to figure out that Matt is built like Barry Bonds. (Do I need to explain this?) In one episode he looked to be kicked in the boys. Of course, the guy would have needed to have a microscope to find it. Does this explain why his "product endorsement" page is blank? Is it possible that he can't list those products. Of course, most of his website is blank. Really, Matt you are shooting blanks. (Bad, I know, but you are laughing so didn't give me a hard time!) Why don't you go take a week of relaxing and stop acting like a wanna be tough guy? I have met 6th graders who can give a whooping better than your fake act.

But, let's get to the worst part. The show is FAKE! FAKE! It is like a CZ. It is not a real diamond. These people put together a show on Tru TV and it is fake. Doesn't that make "Actuality" false advertising? You are claiming your shows are real when you make them up? And if you are going to make up a show, wouldn't you at least pick people who can speak the language? I mean, it is television so the normal means of communication is talking. And how about you pick a group of folks who don't look like they ate the cars that they repo'd. Come on, you know big boy Luis and Frodo, er, Froylan, look like they could eat a Mini Cooper for an appetizer and finish off the meal with a Jetta. Unreal.

How about this? Tru TV should change its tagline to "Not Reality. BS!" I mean at least that is accurate. And it would describe the regular BM's of Matt.

A few quick thoughts on a Wednesday

I have a few quick thoughts on a Wednesday.

1. How come the big boneded people are driving the Mini? Not just the Mini, but the Miata, any Kia, the small Hyundai, maybe a Yugo. I mean, shouldn't some common sense come into play. If you weigh half the weight of the Mini, should you really be being a Mini? Can't you upgrade to say a Regular? Or, if you are like that guy in Mexico, maybe a Maxi? There needs to be a rule about this: you cannot buy a car that you have to squeeze in to and be sucked out of by a tornado.

2. Why do people take Facebook quizzes? Do I really need to answer questions about my eyes? Hazel. Or do I need to tell you my sign? Virgo. I mean, really, do I need to answer a question about my favorite movie? Victory. Update: Sneakers too, but only because I am being made fun of by two people as I write this. I do not want to tell you that my color is blue. I should not have to answer a question about what beer is my personality. Guiness, clearly. I just don't get it. Why do you care? If you know me, you would know that I would be a soccer cleat. And if you do not know me, why are you a friend on Facebook anyway? Oh, and if you are on Facebook, do not put your freaking twitter post on Facebook.

3. Why do people slurp coffee? Loudly. Its loud. Its annoying. It may be more annoying than me running my mouth on the soccer game. Seriously. If your coffee is that hot, DO NOT DRINK IT. Or, here is an idea, let it cool off. Or, ask for it a bit cooler. I know that your Starbucks is not that hot. You just want the freaking attention. Oh, and if you need that attention, you are not that hot, lady. Trust me on this. And the dude who slurps should be taken out back and whooped. A lot. Take off your pink shirt and stop slurping, Billy or Bobby or whatever "y" name you go by.

4. I understand women want to wear panties - once in a while. Lets just get this out of the way: guys like it when you go commando. Well, when most of you go commando. Some of you should not go commando. But, if you are going to wear panties, do we really need to see your pantilines? I mean, that is why we created thongs. If your pants are that tight, throw on a pair of thongs. Or, and here is an idea, don't wear pants that tight. A little room between the skin and the pants is not a bad thing. I promise. And if you decide to go the thong route, do we really need to see them coming out the top of your pants? Can you pull your freaking pants up or slide your thong down a bit? Seeing the top of your thong is not attractive. At all. Ever. Never. Never, ever, ever. I promise.

5. There is a reason I do not run a restaurant for a living, but can the restaurants do something about their freaking seating? When you go in to a restaurant and there is no one else there, why do they seat you in the middle? And then, the next couple comes in, and they seat them right next to you. And the next couple - right on the other side of you. Dude you have a 3,000 square foot restaurant, can you spread them out a bit? Just a bit. Like, maybe there should be a rule like guys have. When we go in to the bathroom, we use every other urinal. Two guys go in and there are three urinals. They leave open the middle urinal. Its a rule. The same should apply in a restaurant. Leave open the table between us. I don't want someone right freaking next to me - especially the loud, older couple who forgot their hearing aids and are yelling at each other "PASS THE BUTTER! No, DON'T PASS GAS, PASS THE BUTTER!" I don't need to hear that during my 30 or 45 minute dinner. Please? Just once.

Okay, off to go talk to my pregnant wife.