Politicians Want Money Too

There once was a politician from Sacramento,
Whose coffers were so low his pants were full of excremento,
He had a fundraiser for money,
And those who saw ticket prices had the runny.

(WARNING: Before you go further, if you are a liberal reader of this blog, you may want to stop here so you still like me. If you think our state leaders are doing a good job or are doing the best that they can, you may want to stop reading here. Warning over.)

I got an email today from a State Senator's PR hack. Yes, she is a hack. She has no concept of netiquette. (I am the only one who finds it interesting that netiquette is in my spell checker, but excremento is not?) She didn't bcc everyone, she put all of our email addresses out there for everyone to see. Nice. Then she was using a Verizon.net email address. Hey, you have your own PR firm - how about prhack@prhack.com for your email address? Break out a little 2009 email usage there, Ms. Hack.

The Senator, er, Senate President Pro Tem raised $77,000 in two events. And the cost to be in the same room as the guy who couldn't pass a budget - $2,500 to be a co-host. And if you want to be a lowly sponsor it is yours for the low, low price of $1,000 - PER PERSON! So, for the joy of being around one of three people who completely screwed up the budget (I know, they had to negotiate with the republicans because of the 2/3 vote requirement) it would cost me $2,000 since I would have to bring my wife to keep me in line.

I mean, if I want to hang around people who don't get anything done, I could go to Loaves and Fishes and talk to the homeless guy or the meth addict. And at least giving Loaves and Fishes 2 g's would be useful to them. What, exactly, is Steinberg going to use this money for? Oh, another election to a job where the Peter Principle has a new favorite son.

I mean, I don't know if Steinberg gets it or not since he has his cush job with his cush salary and doesn't put in an honest day's work for an honest day's pay, but we are in a recession. Most people are just hoping to be employed tomorrow. There are not a lot of people who are running around with $1,000 burning a hole in their pocket. In fact, there are not a lot of people who even like the guy with the legislator's 30% approval rating.

Maybe a lesson in the realities of life would be good for Darrell. So, instead of $1,000 to put up with a bunch of snobs whose opinions matter to me as much as the crazy MD, PhD, JD I will put up $10 and take the big D (and he is getting bigger these days, have you noticed?) around to meet my clients who can't afford to keep their homes or pay their credit card bills or find money to fix their cars. Then, BS, er, DS, sorry you could see how I could confuse those initials, could take his $77,000 from his last two fundraisers and donate the money to a few charities that help people who are having problems in this recession. Oh, the recession that is worse in California than almost anywhere else in the country because of our poor leadership, including his.

I don't know if our politicians get it. No wait, I do know. They don't get it. They clearly don't if they are doing $1,000 per person fundraisers. They are so out of touch with reality and the problems of most people in this country. So, I propose we never give these guys another penny. They want to run for office then they should pay for it. Maybe running up debts to do what you want to do will give them some idea of what the rest of us do to run our businesses.

And DS - the offer stands. $10 to your campaign and you get to spend a day seeing what I do to help people. I will even email it to your PR person.

PS Here is my email to his PR lady:

Please remove me from your list. I don’t give money to politicians who don’t deserve it. However, as I have written about on my blog, I will give Sen. Steinberg $10 and he can come spend a day with me seeing how I help real people. Its something he may want to try.

PPS The PR hack responded. She told me that I don't understand the work our fine legislators do. Unfortunately for her, I have testified in front the senate and the assembly, helped revise bills, spoken to staff and committee staff and generally been around this mess of a political system we have. From my email response to her email wherein I was describing how most of my clients are low income and worry about whether they can pay their bills every month:

It’s a side of life neither you nor Sen. Steinberg care about because my clients can’t raise money for you. Its a side of life that Sen. Steinberg should familiarize himself with because when the propositions fail in a few weeks, he will be putting more people in that position because of his lack of leadership and lack of ability to get a budget passed that did not require smoke and mirrors.

Pants and IQ

I have a friend named Tim. He has a chart he calls the hot versus crazy chart. To him, you can date a woman as long as her hotness puts her above the line where hot meets crazy. The crazier she is, the hotter she has to be to date. (Seriously, I am not making this up.)

I have a chart I call the pants versus IQ chart. It, alas, does not involve hot women. It does involve underwear though. Oh wait, no, not the good kind. No thongs. No low cut bikini underwear. Nope, nothing that good.

I have determined, via close observation, but not that close - YUCK - that the lower a guy wears his pants on his body, the lower his IQ. Well, to an extent. Grandpa who wears them up around his nips is not brighter than those of us who wear them at our waist. So, the rule should actually be that the lower a guy wears them from his waist, the lower his IQ. Oh, you think I am wrong. The following are true stories.

Exhibit A: A few guys were skateboarding on a street near me. They had a rail up to grind on. (Admit it - you are impressed I knew grind without looking it up.) Cars were coming and they saw the cars coming, but decided to get in one more attempt before the cars went by.

Exhibit B: Two guys were crossing Laguna Blvd. They each had their pants around their mid-thighs. Dude A was smoking. Dude B was not. They then shared a cigarette. The same cigarette. One cancer stick for two guys. These guys were so dumb that they probably thought it cut their chance of cancer by 50%. Nuff said?

Exhibit C: One guy was waiting to cross the street. His pants? Around his knees. The light for traffic going east and west was green. He wanted to go south. So, what did this guy do? He crossed anyway like he was George trying to move Frogger from the pizza parlor to keep his hi score. He made it but barely. Darwin will catch up to that guy.

Exhibit D: One guy decided he was going to rob the store. He had his pants around his ankles. Seriously, I saw it with Danny "I am an alcohol drinking, dope smoking, chicken choking (Come on, would any woman really do it with that guy), not working, D list actor" Bonnaduce on some show on Tru TV (Not reality, actuality, which by the way, doesn't mean anything especially when you have that made up repo show on your station).

It is clear that the lower the pants, the lower the IQ. I still don't understand why guys wear their pants so lose that not only do you see the underwear, but also the back of the thighs and the knees. This isn't an attractive look on women with nice underwear and it really is not an attractive look on guys. Pull your damn pants up and you may one day get a job that doesn't have you say "Would you like fries with that?"

Tis the season for donations.......

(Take this in the spirit of fun and not meanness)

Tis the season for donations,
Sha la la la la, la la la la,
Give us money for our causes,
Sha la la la la, la la la la,
We are asking all the time,
Sha la la la la, la la la la,
We know you have lost your job,
Sha la la la la, la la la la,
But its a recession but we need money,
Sha la la la la, la la la la,
The March of Dimes asks the most,
Sha la la la la, la la la la,
We don't care if you like other charities,
Sha la la la la, la la la la,
We want all of your money now,
Sha la la la la, la la la la,
We will look at you like you are a monster,
If you don't give to us right now.

Okay, so maybe that was a little harsh. And I get that people are having tough times. I have let clients pay me $25 or $50 per month to pay off a balance. Face it, this economy sucks. But, how come every time I go into a store, I get asked for a donation to charity. And if I don't give it, I get dirty looks.

I get that there are a lot of good charities out there. And most of us can name them. But I give to charities that I want to give to. I know who they are, how to find them, and I can give what works for me. Especially in this economy, I know charities are struggling, but so are many people. There is no need to guilt them in to giving to you. Give it a rest.

Oh, and I promise, when the economy picks up, someone will donate to you, Mr. March of Dimes, but for now, a little less Billy Maze and a little more Gary Cooper will go a long way.

I S YUCK!

Okay, so someone sent me this website and YUCK! (By the way, I do accept email submissions of ideas.) The website - and I dread to give this out - isathletics.com. No, it is not a hyperlink because I went there so you don't have to. Think of me as the Joel McHale of websites.

This website can make you look 1 to 3 inches slimmer. Well, the product they sell can. It is a male girdle. Well, it is a belt, or a tank or a crew neck or a......why the hell am I telling you this? Its disgusting.

I am sorry. It is not a girdle. It is an "undergarment" that can slim you. But, it is a special one in that they have a 30 day money back guarantee. But, thankfully, they won't take back any soiled undergarments. Soiled? A soiled shirt? Are you using it for toilet paper? Has it become your newest way of cleaning up after you answered nature's call?

As for guys who buy this, I have something that can make them look slimmer and save them the $30 plus the $10 in shipping. Ready? I guarantee this will make you look slimmer: WALK. Yes, lardbutt, get off the couch and go for a walk once a day. Maybe even try a jog. That is when you move your legs faster than you do when you walk. Do this once a day for 30 days and you will look 1 to 3 inches slimmer. And it is FREE! Oh, and the fresh air will help your smoke infested lungs, Mr. 2 pack a day.

Oh, don't look at me like that. You know the guys who buy this smoke 2 packs a day - at least. I am probably being nice. Dude probably is like the Army. You know, they do more before 6am then most people do all day. This dude smokes 2 packs before 6 am. If he wants to wear a girdle, he smokes. Case closed.

Interestingly, they won't give you the company information. I am not making that up. Seriously. It is even on their website. "No company information should be disclosed to any customer." Seriously? I can't get any information on this company? This makes me feel like the company is owned by PeeWee or Chester. YUCK! What kind of company are you when you are hiding your identity?

If you buy this, you deserve to gain 1 to 3 inches while waiting for this to come from sitting around and eating fruitcake and smoking your death sticks. You will get then put this on and look like you did before you bought it.

I am now going to throw acid on my eyes to get the image out of them. ARGH!

To the lawyers: Huh?

As I have said before, I am an attorney. That's right. I admit it. My name is Slim Shady and I am an attorney. I am not ashamed of it. Well, sometimes I am. Like today.

You see, attorneys are always looking for ways to share information. It helps in what we do. The biggest thing attorneys do these days to share information is the use of email lists, or listserves. We use these to send an email to a large group of people at a time. It can be 10 people or 100 people or 1,000 people, or one list I am on has 4,000 people. It can be very handy or very, very scary. Think Invasion of the Body Snatchers scary.

Today, on one list, there were two conversations that worried me. The first was about the use of a word. There was a debate over whether a word was a noun or a verb. As if that is not bad enough, these folks started citing dictionaries. Seriously. I mean, if I say that telephone is an object and you say it is the act of calling someone, we could agree to disagree about it fairly quickly. I mean, I will still laugh at you behind your back, but that is to be expected if you say "I am going to telephone you." Dang it, the word is call. You are going to call me. Sheesh. But, I digress. The issue is that normal people will resolve this without resorting to the dictionary. Only attorneys take it that seriously!

Then, there was a discussion about talking to other people if you are an attorney. And how some attorneys have a hard time talking to "normal people." What are normal people? I think I am normal, although some may argue that point. Other than agreeing that Canadians are not normal, how do we decide on who is normal? And why are non-attorneys not normal? Heck, if anything, they are more normal. Just because I was dumb enough to go to college and then law school and never freaking graduate does not mean that I am better than anyone else. It just means I went to school longer.

Seriously, do you know a bigger group of people who you dont want to talk to at a cocktail party than attorneys? I mean, I have a few attorney friends. But it is a few. In fact, I can count them on one hand. Maybe two. Even you, Margaret Mary! But, most people don't want to talk to attorneys and this is why! Thinking you are better than other people or arguing over the proper use of a word? Get over yourself. You are not that important. Sheesh!

Five Ways to Lose Your "Guy Card"

So we spent some time this weekend driving to Palm Springs, in Palm Springs and driving back from Palm Springs. I made some observations about guys that I think are universal. And so I present five ways to lose your guy card:

5. Bad driving. I don't just mean driving like a loon. And I don't mean road rage. Road rage should result in losing your driver's license, not just your guy card. A few examples: the fast lane means go fast. If you are doing 60 when the speed limit is 70, you should NOT BE IN THE FAST LANE! Do not drive in the left lane constantly. Use the left lane for passing. Hence, the name the passing lane. Oh, and if the car in front of you is stopped because the entire freeway is stopped, do not rear end them!

4. Chzzled. No, not the name of some new Eminen song. (By the way, memo to guy who posted "Loose Yourself" on Youtube. It is LOSE Yourself, not Loose yourself. Spell check works wonders!) This was a license plate we saw on the road. It says "Chiseled." Yes, it was a guy driving it. And he thought he was buff. Notice I said thought. When you have muscles like this guy, it is clear you want guys to envy your muscles. Women do not care about you being "chiseled." You do it because you want guys to admire you. And then you put it on your license plate? It should actually read "LOSER!" Turn in your guy card!

3. Pink shirts. Ok, not just any pink shirt. I admit it, I have a pink dress shirt that I wear with my suit. It goes well and I get lots of compliments. But, do not buy a pink shirt with white strips. And especially do not buy it at the Polo store. Really, I mean this is just admitting to having no taste. Those white horizontal stripes are obnoxious. And they make you look chunky, in addition to showing you have no taste. Please, stay away. Heck, Polo - please stop selling those shirts. YUCK!

2. Pointing with your pinkie. Okay, I wish I could make this up. Dude in a red truck was pointing with his pinkie. He was sticking it out the window. Next thing I know, he will pick up his Budweiser and stick his pinkie out. Either dude thinks he is French or he has no concept of how bizarre this is. Do not use your pinkie to point. That is why you have a POINTER FINGER! Yes, it is between your thumb and your middle finger - you know, the one you stick out at people. Stop using your pinkie. It just makes you look like a dufus - or a French guy. And neither one is good.

1. Walking with your dog in a kennel. I don't mean a big kennel like in your house. There was a guy walking around with his dog in a little carrying case like he was Paris Hilton. The guy, not the dog, although the dog was probably cuter than Paris Hilton, and was definitely cuter than Perez Hilton, who really needs to get a life. I mean, I like my dogs just fine. In fact, I was bit trying to help one. But I don't bring them to the freaking mall. And I don't walk around with them in a carrying case like they are a purse. Seriously, get some friends and go walk around with them, but not your dog. That just makes you lame. Very lame. Ridiculously lame.

Guys, if any of these describe you, feel free to email me your guy card. You should be turning it in!

Baseball Dad or Soccer Dad

Okay, this isn't a rant about the guy who plays baseball. Although, there is something to be said of CPAs and lawyers and social workers playing baseball. Those guys take it so seriously. Very seriously. But the next group who takes it seriously: the guys who think that by coaching sports they make up for the fact that they cannot play sports.

Yes, you, Mr. I want to coach the World Cup team so I can tell everyone I know about sports. Look, not to brag, but my right leg is more athletic than you. Seriously. Not my left leg, but definitely my right leg. I think I could hop faster than you can run. How can you tell this guy?

1. He talks about his competitive days. He will make claims about 8 hour tests. He will listen to you talking to your buddies and then come over and brag about how he did something better. You ran a half marathon? He ran a full marathon - and back. You biked 20 miles one day? He does a century before 5am. You broke a board with a kick? He broke a concrete wall - by looking at it.

2. His wife is never seen. Oh, he is married and has kids, but you don't see the wife. She is the soft spoken kind. Why? Well, either he bought her in Russia or some other 3rd world country or he has explained to her that she can do nothing without his permission. She will occasionally show up, but only so everyone can see she is a real person. She will not talk, and when she does, it is looking at your feet.

3. His kids are not athletic, but that is not their fault. It is his fault, since it is his sperm! At all. In any way. Seriously, the trampoline would give them trouble. Walking and chewing gum takes tremendous mental focus for them. They have a difficult time not only figuring out how to throw, but they are barely coordinated enough to throw up.

4. He has big toys. Face it - he is compensating for something. Maybe he drives the Hummer. Maybe he bought the Escalade and than raised it up, although that would mean he cannot get in it without making a fool of himself. He has the latest cell phone or some other techy thing. Yes, it is called COMPENSATION!

5. He recruits kids to his sports team. Yes, recruits. And I do not mean like USC recruiting OJ Mayo. I mean, he is trying to find 6 year olds and 7 year olds to play on his sports team. And his motivation? To beat you. And not the generic you, but you the guy who he thinks he is more athletic than. He wants to prove it to you. He wants everyone to see how great his team is. Really? If you ask anyone to play on your team and they are under 14, you are a big, fat, dumb, moronic, wannabe Spice Girl. (Don't ask, it sounded like it would work. It clearly didn't, but think of my analogies like baseball: .300 ain't bad!) Recruiting little kids to your sports team is a waste of time and energy and means you need hobbies - and a ****.

Am I wrong?

I know its bad, but.........

really, enough is enough. Honest. Please stop.

Oh wait, what am I talking about? The economy. It is bad. It sucks. I am not even going to get in to a discussion about who is at fault. The Democrats? Maybe. The Republicans? Maybe. Big business? Maybe. But it doesn't matter. The fact is that we are in a recession and a bad one. I know professionals looking at getting a 2nd job just to keep their homes. This is BAAAAAAAAAAD!

But, does that mean companies should use it to market? This means you Farmers Insurance and Allsnake, er, Allstate. It is great that one of you was founded in like 1928 and the other in 1930 or so. BFD! (For those of you who were not in high school in the late 80s, that means big f***ing deal.) You paid claims back then. Great, do you want a medal? And yes, the economy is bad now and your company made it through the depression. So did a whole bunch of other companies. Do they get prizes too?

Is it some accomplishment that you want to brag about? Do you think it makes you special? It doesn't. It makes you opportunistic. You are using our country's current down cycle to get more business. That makes you a parasitic, no good SOB. Well, it makes the CEO an SOB. Technically, the company cannot be an SOB. But the company can be an opportunistic, parasitic leech.

Do you think you are making people feel better? You are not. You are not raising the morale of the country. You are not making people feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You are not giving people pride. You are trying to steal money from people. Oh wait, I know, you are getting them to buy insurance, but your insurance companies suck. A lot.

Its okay, there are a lot of other insurance companies that suck too, so you aren't special that way. You are just the only ones trying to get money from people by using the recession. So, in a way, you are special.

Really, Mr. 24, enough is enough. Do not pimp yourself out anymore for Allstate. They do not put people in good hands. The only thing they do with their hands is take money from people. They don't pay it back. So, stop. Please?

More Random Thoughts on a Thursday

So I thought I would make a few random thoughts while it is raining in April on a Thursday. At least there is no soccer on Sunday to be cancelled this week!

1. When you are at the gym and clearly listening to your music, why do people try to talk to you? Heck, why do they talk to you at all at the gym? I don't go to the gym anymore since I go to my taekwondo school several times per week and run, but when I did, people would come up and start talking to me. Seriously, its like 30 seconds between sets. If you cannot get the conversation in in less than 30 seconds, don't start it. But, if someone is on the treadmill and running, or even walking, then why talk to them? Most people have the headphones in. That is the wire that runs from their waist or arm to their ears. It is called a headphone wire. It means they are listening to music and do not want to be disturbed. Actually, that works. Think of the headphones as a DO NOT DISTURB sign at a hotel. Honor it!

2. Babies are cute. Very cute. Well, most babies. We have all seen those not so cute babies. But, even the cutest baby is not cute when it runs around in a diaper and nothing but a diaper. That is not cute. It is not sweet. It is not adorable. It is white trash. It is trailer trash. It is disgusting. Throw some clothes on your baby. I mean, really, is it that hard? Of course, the same people who let their babies run around in diapers are also the same people who want to run around dressed like this..

3. Tank tops and no bras. And no, not some hot woman. Not even some cute woman. It is the large, ugly woman with the bad dye job who thinks she is hot and sexy. You are not hot and sexy. You are ugly. YUCK! And you dont even shave your arm pits. Or your legs. Having a day's growth we can live with. Having a month's growth - YUCK!

4. Guys are not immune from absolutely no freaking taste in clothes. We are just as guilty. Well some of us. Usually this comes when men are mowing the lawn. You have seen him - the guy in the t-shirt and running shorts. Or worse - the guy in the boxers mowing his lawn. Yes, just boxers. No shirt. Like that is a good look. That look may work in the morning when you are getting dressed. Or in the evening when you are going to bed. That look does not work when you are outside. Ever. Never. Do not do it. Stop. Especially when you are doing an activity like mowing the lawn. Stop it!

5. Give me my space at the ATM. It is called a secret code for a reason - IT IS A SECRET! I need some space. I don't need you in my back pocket while I am at the ATM. I do not need to be able to hear you breathe. That means you are too close. If you can see that my lack of hair would be growing in gray, you are too close. If I can determine that you are wearing Old Spice, then you are too close. If I can feel you brush against me, you are too close. Give me my space! Please?

The State Bar Discipline

So, it turns out that the State Bar disciplines attorneys. How do I know that? Well, at the end of every State Bar Journal, the Pulitzer Prize caliber journal that the State Bar puts out, they list the discipline of attorneys. Now, it is a few months old, but at least it is there. It is helpful to learn a few things:

1. If you are charged with a violation, it helps to have an addiction. That will get you referred to the Lawyer Assistance Program. (Hey, I get that addiction is serious, but there seem to be a disproportionate number of attorneys who have addictions. It is so bad that they make us take a continuing education lass on substance abuse once every three years.) Really, I am not making fun of people with addictions.
2. If you screw with your trust account, you will get suspended. Case closed.

But, what else do we learn? Well, we learn that some poor sap was suspended for a year and that suspension was stayed (placed on hold) and then given two years probation. What could cause such a punishment? Misdemeanor assault. Apparently, the office manager at his place of business was an SOB. The SOB bumped the attorney. The attorney, who had already called the police because the SOB was making inappropriate phone calls to the attorney's house, punched the SOB. The SOB called police and the attorney was arrested. The attorney pled no contest.

Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but if someone is making harassing phone calls to my house and then pushes me, there is a good chance I am going to hit him. Hard. At least once, if not twice. It is called self defense. I guess if the guy looked like one of the douches on "The Real World: Brookyln" I may not him him. But almost anyone else is going to get hit. If said person does not want to get hit, do not push me, bump me, or make annoying calls to my house. Simple enough.

Contrast that with Mitch Roth. Who is Mitch Roth? Mitch Roth is an attorney. He was doing loan modifications and foreclosure defense. But instead of doing the deals straight up, like most attorneys, he set the client up in a "joint venture" where the client would deed over some percentage of the home to a company that was allegedly run by his wife. He filed a whole bunch of cases. He never did anything with any of the files. The State Bar has stepped in and "taken over" his 2,000 files. Of course, he has no public record of discipline now.

Um, WTF? The guy who abandons 2,000 clients still has a clean record and the guy who has a no contest plea gets publicly reamed and has his record permanently marked. Seriously, who committed the worse crime here? Who is the guy who did something really bad? Is it the puncher, who was defending himself? Or is it Mr. 2,000 cases who didn't pursue these cases? I mean, 2,000 cases? Really? That is absurd.

Memo to the fine folks who discipline attorneys: The punishment should fit the crime. Should the attorney have punched him? Maybe not. The proper response? A private reproval. However, the attorney who 2,000 cases should have been suspended immediately and disbarred shortly after that. Lets get back to protecting the public. After all, that is your stated purpose, right?

A few quick thoughts on a Wednesday

I have a few quick thoughts on a Wednesday.

1. How come the big boneded people are driving the Mini? Not just the Mini, but the Miata, any Kia, the small Hyundai, maybe a Yugo. I mean, shouldn't some common sense come into play. If you weigh half the weight of the Mini, should you really be being a Mini? Can't you upgrade to say a Regular? Or, if you are like that guy in Mexico, maybe a Maxi? There needs to be a rule about this: you cannot buy a car that you have to squeeze in to and be sucked out of by a tornado.

2. Why do people take Facebook quizzes? Do I really need to answer questions about my eyes? Hazel. Or do I need to tell you my sign? Virgo. I mean, really, do I need to answer a question about my favorite movie? Victory. Update: Sneakers too, but only because I am being made fun of by two people as I write this. I do not want to tell you that my color is blue. I should not have to answer a question about what beer is my personality. Guiness, clearly. I just don't get it. Why do you care? If you know me, you would know that I would be a soccer cleat. And if you do not know me, why are you a friend on Facebook anyway? Oh, and if you are on Facebook, do not put your freaking twitter post on Facebook.

3. Why do people slurp coffee? Loudly. Its loud. Its annoying. It may be more annoying than me running my mouth on the soccer game. Seriously. If your coffee is that hot, DO NOT DRINK IT. Or, here is an idea, let it cool off. Or, ask for it a bit cooler. I know that your Starbucks is not that hot. You just want the freaking attention. Oh, and if you need that attention, you are not that hot, lady. Trust me on this. And the dude who slurps should be taken out back and whooped. A lot. Take off your pink shirt and stop slurping, Billy or Bobby or whatever "y" name you go by.

4. I understand women want to wear panties - once in a while. Lets just get this out of the way: guys like it when you go commando. Well, when most of you go commando. Some of you should not go commando. But, if you are going to wear panties, do we really need to see your pantilines? I mean, that is why we created thongs. If your pants are that tight, throw on a pair of thongs. Or, and here is an idea, don't wear pants that tight. A little room between the skin and the pants is not a bad thing. I promise. And if you decide to go the thong route, do we really need to see them coming out the top of your pants? Can you pull your freaking pants up or slide your thong down a bit? Seeing the top of your thong is not attractive. At all. Ever. Never. Never, ever, ever. I promise.

5. There is a reason I do not run a restaurant for a living, but can the restaurants do something about their freaking seating? When you go in to a restaurant and there is no one else there, why do they seat you in the middle? And then, the next couple comes in, and they seat them right next to you. And the next couple - right on the other side of you. Dude you have a 3,000 square foot restaurant, can you spread them out a bit? Just a bit. Like, maybe there should be a rule like guys have. When we go in to the bathroom, we use every other urinal. Two guys go in and there are three urinals. They leave open the middle urinal. Its a rule. The same should apply in a restaurant. Leave open the table between us. I don't want someone right freaking next to me - especially the loud, older couple who forgot their hearing aids and are yelling at each other "PASS THE BUTTER! No, DON'T PASS GAS, PASS THE BUTTER!" I don't need to hear that during my 30 or 45 minute dinner. Please? Just once.

Okay, off to go talk to my pregnant wife.

What the f?

Seriously. What the f? Why do people think it is appropriate to use this word, and its brothers in profanity, all the time?

I was at my adult co-ed soccer game today. Let me say that again: ADULT. CO-ED. GAME. Yes, a whole bunch of adults running around chasing a white ball for 100 yards. Men and women. I like competition as much as the next guy. No, wait, I like competition more than the next guy. I like to win. I admit it. But this is adult co-ed soccer. If I win, I get a lousy t-shirt. In fact, if I win, I will donate my t-shirt. I may even get everyone on my team to donate the t-shirts.

At today's game, we played GH United. I thought GH stood for Greenhaven. But, no, it stood for Going-to-Hell. Or maybe it stood for Gross Hookers. Or maybe it was Gigantic Hoodlums. Either way, this team made Andrew Dice Clay sound clean. From the first whistle, they were s eating, f dropping SOBs.

Now, I understand the occasional use of the f word. I get the fact that a construction worker can hit his hand with a hammer and yell it. I understand that an attorney may blow a deadline and yell "Oh s---." There is a time and a place where the once in a while use is okay.

But this was absurd. This was like walking through a prison. (Of course, it didn't hurt that one guy apparently wanted to fight me.) I thought I was listening to "Pelican Bay: The Greatest Hits."

I just don't understand. Why the constant need for profanity? And why when women and little kids are around? It just makes no sense to me. If these folks cannot keep their mouths clean, they should go play somewhere else - say the Folsom Prison Soccer League?