Baseball Dad or Soccer Dad

Okay, this isn't a rant about the guy who plays baseball. Although, there is something to be said of CPAs and lawyers and social workers playing baseball. Those guys take it so seriously. Very seriously. But the next group who takes it seriously: the guys who think that by coaching sports they make up for the fact that they cannot play sports.

Yes, you, Mr. I want to coach the World Cup team so I can tell everyone I know about sports. Look, not to brag, but my right leg is more athletic than you. Seriously. Not my left leg, but definitely my right leg. I think I could hop faster than you can run. How can you tell this guy?

1. He talks about his competitive days. He will make claims about 8 hour tests. He will listen to you talking to your buddies and then come over and brag about how he did something better. You ran a half marathon? He ran a full marathon - and back. You biked 20 miles one day? He does a century before 5am. You broke a board with a kick? He broke a concrete wall - by looking at it.

2. His wife is never seen. Oh, he is married and has kids, but you don't see the wife. She is the soft spoken kind. Why? Well, either he bought her in Russia or some other 3rd world country or he has explained to her that she can do nothing without his permission. She will occasionally show up, but only so everyone can see she is a real person. She will not talk, and when she does, it is looking at your feet.

3. His kids are not athletic, but that is not their fault. It is his fault, since it is his sperm! At all. In any way. Seriously, the trampoline would give them trouble. Walking and chewing gum takes tremendous mental focus for them. They have a difficult time not only figuring out how to throw, but they are barely coordinated enough to throw up.

4. He has big toys. Face it - he is compensating for something. Maybe he drives the Hummer. Maybe he bought the Escalade and than raised it up, although that would mean he cannot get in it without making a fool of himself. He has the latest cell phone or some other techy thing. Yes, it is called COMPENSATION!

5. He recruits kids to his sports team. Yes, recruits. And I do not mean like USC recruiting OJ Mayo. I mean, he is trying to find 6 year olds and 7 year olds to play on his sports team. And his motivation? To beat you. And not the generic you, but you the guy who he thinks he is more athletic than. He wants to prove it to you. He wants everyone to see how great his team is. Really? If you ask anyone to play on your team and they are under 14, you are a big, fat, dumb, moronic, wannabe Spice Girl. (Don't ask, it sounded like it would work. It clearly didn't, but think of my analogies like baseball: .300 ain't bad!) Recruiting little kids to your sports team is a waste of time and energy and means you need hobbies - and a ****.

Am I wrong?