Freaking Wells Fargo

Okay, so this was going to be a rant about standardized testing. And I started it at about 8:20. I got through part of it and my work phone rang at 8:34. Yes, 8:34 at night. PM! After dark. When most people are not answering their phones. Kids in bed time. After dinner. Looking for a little snack time. Just over 12 hours to go time. You know, NIGHT TIME!

But, being the dedicated employee, er, attorney that I am, I answered the phone. After all, the phone number that showed up on caller ID was a 414 number. You know the rule - if the phone rings at night, it is not good. The later it rings, the worse the news. And when it comes from a different area code, it is really bad. There is a 1 to 10 scale on bad news.

You know, the phone rings between 6 and 9 and its like a 4. It rings between 9 and midnight and its a 7. If it rings between midnight and 4 am, it is a 10. If the phone rings after 4am, then you know someone had a baby.

Seriously, who else calls you between 4am and like 8am? No one. Only expectant fathers whose wives are in labor and they want to tell you. No one else would call you then.

And if the phone rings between 6 and 9 and it is from a different area code, add 1 so its a 5. Between 9 and midnight from a different area code, it is an 8. And after midnight from a different area code, then is like a 12 - and the scale stops at 10!

Anyway, so the phone rings and I answer it. It is Wells Fargo. It is not the next stage, it is the never calls you back stage. They want to talk to me about a client. A client who I have been helping since OCTOBER! They are just getting around to it. It is May. Yes, it took them 7 (SEVEN) (SIETE) (SEPT) (SETTE) months to get back to me. 7 freaking months. That would be over 28 weeks. That would be more than 196 days. It would be 4,704 hours. 282,240 minutes for them to call me back, give or take a few hundred minutes.

Then this lady, who called me, and by called me, I mean dialed my phone number by herself, and by dialed, I mean she used her chubby little fingers to push the buttons. And I am sure she did push the buttons. But, this lady who called me asked me for my client's home address. Um, its 8:34 at night and I happen to be at home. How would I have my client's address? I asked her that. She said she needed it to verify my identity before she could talk to me.

I asked her, and I did this with a serious tone, "Um, you called me. You dialed my phone. I answered the phone 'This is Jonathan.' Doesn't that verify my identity?" I thought I was in Sneakers. No, not the tennis shoes, the movie. Sheesh, Robert Redford flick. Great movie. Anyway, she says that this is their procedure. She called me. She dialed the phone. I answered very simply with the name of the person she was calling. Yet, apparently, that is not good enough for her.

I asked why I was getting a call at 8:34 at night. She said that she doesn't start working until 4pm my time and most of her customers are in California. So, let me see if I get this right. You don't START until most of the people are about to quit working? Now, I understand there are some jobs that can be done at night and it works. Custodian, UPS driver, long haul trucker, police officer, prostitute, phone sex operator: all good night jobs. Bank representative who is trying to negotiate something: BAD NIGHT JOB! I mean, seriously, when you are calling attorneys for your job and you start at 4pm, how many people do you think you are going to talk to?

I know, that is the point. They can just leave us messages and not have to talk to us. Then why not have a robo-dialer do it. How about someone with at least a cool voice? I mean, maybe Billy Mays is available to record a message. "Hi. This is Billy Mays for Wells Fargo Bank. We are trying to reach you about your client. You aren't there. If you call in the next 10 minutes, we will double your order and you will get 2 bottles of Oxyclean, 2 Mr. Puddy Wall Fix Kits, 2 shark repellant thingermerbobers from Pitch Men, and 2 overly expensive mortgages that you cannot pay back." At least that would be enjoyable.

So, I asked her what would have happened if I didn't answer the phone. She would have left me a message and tried again - when I got back to the top of her stack. I figure that would be sometime around December, 2009. Maybe. If I was lucky. Which, of course, I am not!

Is it any wonder our banks have screwed up our economy? They can't deal with people during normal business hours. They have some arcane policy and don't even try to deal with real life people. I mean, if any of us ran our business this way, the government wouldn't give us bailout money - they would tar and feather us. I know the State Bar would be all over me. Yet, we let the banks do it - and we pay them to. Unreal!