You Found Me

(WARNING: This isn't as funny as some other rants)

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad,

I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth,

What if God was one of us?,

He said God does not play dice,

It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man,

God only knows what I’d be without you,

Okay, so did I decide to get religious on you and find God? Of course........well, no. But, someone did and I think it is Danny Bonaduce. No, wait, sorry. Danny Bonaduce found NORML. Sorry, the dude I am thinking of is an attorney who looks like Danny Bonaduce. Well, except probably 20 lbs lighter. Well, that's an understatement. Twenty pounds of muscle lighter. Maybe 50 or 60 lbs lighter over all.

This guy, who shall remain nameless, is an attorney who has a practice near me. I met him years ago when he made it very clear he was late for a meeting because his "Jag broke down. Yes, sorry, the Jag broke down. It is sad that the Jag broke down." Apparently he has given up the Jag and now found God. I don't know if that means he is on time now or not.

I don't have a problem with finding God, per se. In fact, there are times when religion can be good. Religion can help explain the loss of a loved one or explain why bad things happen to good people. Religion can be a way to figure out life.

But, let's be honest. Religion can also be bad. And when religion is used like this, it is bad. Dude has a tv commercial about saving babies. And it directs people to call his office to talk about why abortion is bad. You can also call his office to pray. Seriously. How does that conversation go?

Caller: I saw your ad on tv and need to pray.
Receptionist: Um. That is not me. That is Mr. Smith. He is not in.
Caller: I need to pray now. Why won't you pray with me?
Receptionist: That is not my job. I don't pray with people. Mr. Smith does. He is not in.
Caller: Fine.
Receptionist: Please hold for his voice mail.
Voice Mail: You have reached Mr. Smith at 666-6666. Please press 1 if you were injured in a car accident and can't walk so I can be paged immediately. Please press 2 if your doctor cut off the wrong leg so I can be paged immediately. Please press 3 if a loved one has died so I can be paged immediately. Please press 4 if you want to pray and leave a message that I will return when it is convenient for me. Please press 5 to hear my sermon on why you should keep your baby. Please press 666 if you are a non-believer.

I mean, really, someone calls my office and wants to pray, and I politely pass them off to clergy. I am not in the prayer business. If I was, you would not see me blogging about this stuff. Well, maybe, but that would just be weird. I just don't see how I can give legal advice and religious advice at the same time. But he goes beyond that.

He tells people that the woman in Roe v. Wade now regrets her decision. And he has the sound of a baby's heartbeat at 16 weeks on his website. And pictures of the baby in utero.

Look, I am a big pro-choice kind of guy. Not just on abortion either. Look, if Jack wants to date Diane, good for them. If Jack wants to date Dane, good for them. It is not my business. Similarly, if Suzie wants an abortion, that is her decision. If Suzie wants to keep the baby or place it for adoption, that is great. But it is her choice. (This comes from a guy who has adopted three kids and thinks adoption is the greatest thing in the world.)

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe he isn't using religion as a weapon. Maybe he isn't using it to attack people who think differently from him. Maybe, just maybe, this is the best marketing ploy I have seen. Maybe he is using this to get clients. "Hey Christian believers, I am one of you too. Come hire me and we can fight those non-believing insurance companies together." Maybe he is just a smarter marketing guy than me. And maybe cows fly!

Look, dude is a 60 something year old who thinks he is a 40 something year old and dies his hair red or blonde, depending on that time of (no, I am so not going there) year. He thinks he is Danny Bonaduce and wants to go with that bad mother look. He is a lame, doughboy who once had a friend named Prabuddah who suddenly became Jack. He is on his third or fourth or fifth wife and thinks he now knows better than the rest of us.

It is nonsense. Seriously, what a joke. Dude needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with someone who can tell him that he is full of it and should really stop his nonsense. Now. Stop telling people what to do and how to do it. Stop using the sound of a heartbeat to try to manipulate people. Just stop. Now.