I know we are in a recession. And it is bad. But apparently it is really bad at the banks. No, not the banks that failed. The banks that are still around.
1. Wells Fargo - I will ignore the fact that the average IQ there is less than Kate's from Jon and Kate. I will ignore the fact that the company made like a billion dollars last year. I will ignore the fact that they denied a short sale because they did not have a pre-qualification letter on 1 offer. There were 6 offers. They were missing 1 page on 1 offer. There were 5 perfectly fine offers including one for cash. I will also ignore that they turned down a loan modification because the bank decided it was not in the bank's best interest. Apparently, foreclosing is in their best interest. Let me get to my real problems with them.
I go in to the bank the other day. There is a banker there to greet me. And greet me she does. And then she follows me. Hovers, really. Very close. Very, very close. Not talking to me, just hovering. I felt like I was the hoverround and she was one of the creepy old people in the commercial. It was a bit scary.
Then I get up to the window. Dude has his nametag on - crooked. Yes, it was crooked. I mean, I know its not a big deal, but if I am giving you money, I would at least like a straight nametag. But, it is worse. He has his collar unbuttoned and his tie coming down. Really? Is that the look that says "Give me your money. Trust me. I will take care of it." No, that is a bad tv look that real men never use. Ever. I have never, ever walked around with my collar unbuttoned and my tie coming down. Well, if you count that 30 seconds when I am getting dressed or undressed, the tie isn't all the way up, but otherwise my tie is on my neck!
Yeah, Wells Fargo, lets start doing some loan modifications and helping people out. And lets put our employees in some clothes that make them look a bit more professional.
2. B of A - Bank of America or Bank of A-what-was-that? (Get it, they both start with "A") These folks are amazing. First, they buy up Countrywide and their horrible loans. Then, they decide to try to be good guys. How?
They have a new ad campaign. Starting now, we are going to make things easy to understand. Starting now, we are going to explain things. Really? Starting now? What about all of those years before? Were you not explaining things? Were you making it complicated intentionally? Is this like when food suddenly "tastes better?" Did it taste like crap before? Were you giving us dog food or puppy chow instead of good food? Now, Bank of America wants to explain things. Awfully nice, but aren't you the folks who put us in a freaking recession in the first place? A bit late, eh? Starting now, how about you bank executives stop taking millions of dollars in salary and help out the country a bit?
And now they send out these welcome packets. Not just any welcome packets, but these full color, nicely laid out, expensive looking welcome packets. They want to explain everything. And they do it twice - once in a booklet and once in a handy card. I guess they think you are going to take the card with you. Maybe drop it in your purse and bring it with you when you are sitting at the doctor's office. Are you supposed to pass them out to your friends? What the heck are you supposed to do with it? Oh I know, its just another effort by them to not look like the rip off artists that they are!
Memo to banks: spend a bit on helping us and actually help. Stop trying to look like nice guys and actually be nice guys!
welcome packets
Showing posts with label Wells Fargo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wells Fargo. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Freaking Wells Fargo
Okay, so this was going to be a rant about standardized testing. And I started it at about 8:20. I got through part of it and my work phone rang at 8:34. Yes, 8:34 at night. PM! After dark. When most people are not answering their phones. Kids in bed time. After dinner. Looking for a little snack time. Just over 12 hours to go time. You know, NIGHT TIME!
But, being the dedicated employee, er, attorney that I am, I answered the phone. After all, the phone number that showed up on caller ID was a 414 number. You know the rule - if the phone rings at night, it is not good. The later it rings, the worse the news. And when it comes from a different area code, it is really bad. There is a 1 to 10 scale on bad news.
You know, the phone rings between 6 and 9 and its like a 4. It rings between 9 and midnight and its a 7. If it rings between midnight and 4 am, it is a 10. If the phone rings after 4am, then you know someone had a baby.
Seriously, who else calls you between 4am and like 8am? No one. Only expectant fathers whose wives are in labor and they want to tell you. No one else would call you then.
And if the phone rings between 6 and 9 and it is from a different area code, add 1 so its a 5. Between 9 and midnight from a different area code, it is an 8. And after midnight from a different area code, then is like a 12 - and the scale stops at 10!
Anyway, so the phone rings and I answer it. It is Wells Fargo. It is not the next stage, it is the never calls you back stage. They want to talk to me about a client. A client who I have been helping since OCTOBER! They are just getting around to it. It is May. Yes, it took them 7 (SEVEN) (SIETE) (SEPT) (SETTE) months to get back to me. 7 freaking months. That would be over 28 weeks. That would be more than 196 days. It would be 4,704 hours. 282,240 minutes for them to call me back, give or take a few hundred minutes.
Then this lady, who called me, and by called me, I mean dialed my phone number by herself, and by dialed, I mean she used her chubby little fingers to push the buttons. And I am sure she did push the buttons. But, this lady who called me asked me for my client's home address. Um, its 8:34 at night and I happen to be at home. How would I have my client's address? I asked her that. She said she needed it to verify my identity before she could talk to me.
I asked her, and I did this with a serious tone, "Um, you called me. You dialed my phone. I answered the phone 'This is Jonathan.' Doesn't that verify my identity?" I thought I was in Sneakers. No, not the tennis shoes, the movie. Sheesh, Robert Redford flick. Great movie. Anyway, she says that this is their procedure. She called me. She dialed the phone. I answered very simply with the name of the person she was calling. Yet, apparently, that is not good enough for her.
I asked why I was getting a call at 8:34 at night. She said that she doesn't start working until 4pm my time and most of her customers are in California. So, let me see if I get this right. You don't START until most of the people are about to quit working? Now, I understand there are some jobs that can be done at night and it works. Custodian, UPS driver, long haul trucker, police officer, prostitute, phone sex operator: all good night jobs. Bank representative who is trying to negotiate something: BAD NIGHT JOB! I mean, seriously, when you are calling attorneys for your job and you start at 4pm, how many people do you think you are going to talk to?
I know, that is the point. They can just leave us messages and not have to talk to us. Then why not have a robo-dialer do it. How about someone with at least a cool voice? I mean, maybe Billy Mays is available to record a message. "Hi. This is Billy Mays for Wells Fargo Bank. We are trying to reach you about your client. You aren't there. If you call in the next 10 minutes, we will double your order and you will get 2 bottles of Oxyclean, 2 Mr. Puddy Wall Fix Kits, 2 shark repellant thingermerbobers from Pitch Men, and 2 overly expensive mortgages that you cannot pay back." At least that would be enjoyable.
So, I asked her what would have happened if I didn't answer the phone. She would have left me a message and tried again - when I got back to the top of her stack. I figure that would be sometime around December, 2009. Maybe. If I was lucky. Which, of course, I am not!
Is it any wonder our banks have screwed up our economy? They can't deal with people during normal business hours. They have some arcane policy and don't even try to deal with real life people. I mean, if any of us ran our business this way, the government wouldn't give us bailout money - they would tar and feather us. I know the State Bar would be all over me. Yet, we let the banks do it - and we pay them to. Unreal!
But, being the dedicated employee, er, attorney that I am, I answered the phone. After all, the phone number that showed up on caller ID was a 414 number. You know the rule - if the phone rings at night, it is not good. The later it rings, the worse the news. And when it comes from a different area code, it is really bad. There is a 1 to 10 scale on bad news.
You know, the phone rings between 6 and 9 and its like a 4. It rings between 9 and midnight and its a 7. If it rings between midnight and 4 am, it is a 10. If the phone rings after 4am, then you know someone had a baby.
Seriously, who else calls you between 4am and like 8am? No one. Only expectant fathers whose wives are in labor and they want to tell you. No one else would call you then.
And if the phone rings between 6 and 9 and it is from a different area code, add 1 so its a 5. Between 9 and midnight from a different area code, it is an 8. And after midnight from a different area code, then is like a 12 - and the scale stops at 10!
Anyway, so the phone rings and I answer it. It is Wells Fargo. It is not the next stage, it is the never calls you back stage. They want to talk to me about a client. A client who I have been helping since OCTOBER! They are just getting around to it. It is May. Yes, it took them 7 (SEVEN) (SIETE) (SEPT) (SETTE) months to get back to me. 7 freaking months. That would be over 28 weeks. That would be more than 196 days. It would be 4,704 hours. 282,240 minutes for them to call me back, give or take a few hundred minutes.
Then this lady, who called me, and by called me, I mean dialed my phone number by herself, and by dialed, I mean she used her chubby little fingers to push the buttons. And I am sure she did push the buttons. But, this lady who called me asked me for my client's home address. Um, its 8:34 at night and I happen to be at home. How would I have my client's address? I asked her that. She said she needed it to verify my identity before she could talk to me.
I asked her, and I did this with a serious tone, "Um, you called me. You dialed my phone. I answered the phone 'This is Jonathan.' Doesn't that verify my identity?" I thought I was in Sneakers. No, not the tennis shoes, the movie. Sheesh, Robert Redford flick. Great movie. Anyway, she says that this is their procedure. She called me. She dialed the phone. I answered very simply with the name of the person she was calling. Yet, apparently, that is not good enough for her.
I asked why I was getting a call at 8:34 at night. She said that she doesn't start working until 4pm my time and most of her customers are in California. So, let me see if I get this right. You don't START until most of the people are about to quit working? Now, I understand there are some jobs that can be done at night and it works. Custodian, UPS driver, long haul trucker, police officer, prostitute, phone sex operator: all good night jobs. Bank representative who is trying to negotiate something: BAD NIGHT JOB! I mean, seriously, when you are calling attorneys for your job and you start at 4pm, how many people do you think you are going to talk to?
I know, that is the point. They can just leave us messages and not have to talk to us. Then why not have a robo-dialer do it. How about someone with at least a cool voice? I mean, maybe Billy Mays is available to record a message. "Hi. This is Billy Mays for Wells Fargo Bank. We are trying to reach you about your client. You aren't there. If you call in the next 10 minutes, we will double your order and you will get 2 bottles of Oxyclean, 2 Mr. Puddy Wall Fix Kits, 2 shark repellant thingermerbobers from Pitch Men, and 2 overly expensive mortgages that you cannot pay back." At least that would be enjoyable.
So, I asked her what would have happened if I didn't answer the phone. She would have left me a message and tried again - when I got back to the top of her stack. I figure that would be sometime around December, 2009. Maybe. If I was lucky. Which, of course, I am not!
Is it any wonder our banks have screwed up our economy? They can't deal with people during normal business hours. They have some arcane policy and don't even try to deal with real life people. I mean, if any of us ran our business this way, the government wouldn't give us bailout money - they would tar and feather us. I know the State Bar would be all over me. Yet, we let the banks do it - and we pay them to. Unreal!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
