This friggin game is ruining my life. (Extra points if you know where I stole that line from - and NO LOOKING IT UP!) No, really, it is. It is the beautiful game. And I love it. I have been playing for over 30 years. Heck, I like the game so much, I have a soccer ball on me. Most of you reading this have seen it. That is dedication.
But the game is being ruined. Quickly. And it is being ruined by adults. Not adults like Wayne Rooney, although dude's temper makes me look like Mother Theresa. No, adults who want to run the kid's game. They seem to be missing a few things, so I thought I would take it upon myself to remind them. So, 7 things wrong with the beautiful game - or the people who coach it in my town!
1. Its a game. Yes, folks, it is a freaking game. It is something kids play. When I was growing up, we would play shirts and skins and use the shirts from the skins to make two goals. Heck, we didn't need no stinkin goals! Hit a tree and it counts. But, it is a game. Remember that and stop taking yourself so dang serious, Mr. 4 bills.
2a. Matching practice shirts. Now that we got the fact that it is a game out of the way, why are kids wearing matching practice shirts? Kids. Like 8. Some are gray with numbers on the back. Some are white with numbers on the back. Why? Seriously, why? Do you need to all look alike to play like a team. Does it help your skill level? Or, and this may be a stretch, is it some adult who thinks it looks cool and makes the league some extra money who came up with the idea? Do you think the kids care? We used to practice in whatever shirt we had on. The matching practice shirt doesn't do anything. At all. Stop. Give it up. It is lame!
2b. Matching soccer balls. Really, do I need to say more? Yellow freaking balls with black stars on them. I mean, seriously? Yellow balls. Maybe blue balls would be better. Maybe non matching balls. Does the ball make that much difference to you? Are you David Beckham and trying to spin the ball around a wall from 30 yards and get it to dip under the crossbar? NO! So your ball doesn't really matter.
3. Regimented practices. Okay, so a weave can be useful in soccer. Trust me. Don't ask me to explain. It requires a diagram or actual people on a field. I don't have that. So leave me alone about it. But, it works. Sometimes. But these dang coaches have the kids run it regardless (notice its not irregardless!) of what the defender does. The defender turns out, you don't pass the ball outside. You take it inside and turn the defender. But they can't teach that. Primarily because dude can't do it himself. There is a good reason I don't coach basketball at all 5'5 of me. This dude cannot run a weave to show the variations. But trust me, the defender turns outside, you don't pass the ball there. You go straight up the middle and put the ball in the back of the net!
4. Not playing at practice. What is the fastest way to get better at a sport? Play. It is that simple. I see practices where the kids don't play. Sure, they do drills. Sure, they run up and back, then left, then right, then through these dang hurdle things that someone thinks are useful, but they don't actually play soccer. Break out a little soccer game during soccer practice. Do you think Newcastle doesn't play a game during their practice? You think Messi and Barca got so good by running drills all practice long? You get better by playing the game.
5. Dumb introductions. Okay, there is a team by me that practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Its a girls team and the girls might be 9 or 10. When a new player comes, they do the following: line up, new kid does fit bump, high five, elbow smash like McGuire and Canseco (two guys you want your little girl to grow up and emulate), around the back five, dance, hug, jump up twice and spin around. Okay, so maybe I made up everything after dance. But the rest is true. They do this each time a new girl comes to practice. Every single time. Why? All it does it look ridiculous and waste time. And someone thinks this is good. What a waste of freaking time.
6. Coaches shirts. Okay, I get that a coach should wear A shirt when coaching. Maybe even something with the team colors. I like to wear a white polo. My kids wear a white uniform. Makes sense. I go coach practice, though, in any t-shirt I have laying around. Okay, I make sure it has sleeves, but that is it! I see guys out there wearing a jersey that matches the kids' shirts. Matches. With a number. Why? Does someone think this is a good look? Does it make you feel part of the team? Are you trying to relive your youth? What do you hope to accomplish, Mr. I kick the ball with my toe? How about stop pretending you are one of the players on the team and act more like Sir Alex Ferguson.
Really, am I asking a lot? Take off the uniforms, drop the matching balls, and let the kids play the dang game. Is that too much to ask?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Doh Fargo and Bank of Dohmerica
I know we are in a recession. And it is bad. But apparently it is really bad at the banks. No, not the banks that failed. The banks that are still around.
1. Wells Fargo - I will ignore the fact that the average IQ there is less than Kate's from Jon and Kate. I will ignore the fact that the company made like a billion dollars last year. I will ignore the fact that they denied a short sale because they did not have a pre-qualification letter on 1 offer. There were 6 offers. They were missing 1 page on 1 offer. There were 5 perfectly fine offers including one for cash. I will also ignore that they turned down a loan modification because the bank decided it was not in the bank's best interest. Apparently, foreclosing is in their best interest. Let me get to my real problems with them.
I go in to the bank the other day. There is a banker there to greet me. And greet me she does. And then she follows me. Hovers, really. Very close. Very, very close. Not talking to me, just hovering. I felt like I was the hoverround and she was one of the creepy old people in the commercial. It was a bit scary.
Then I get up to the window. Dude has his nametag on - crooked. Yes, it was crooked. I mean, I know its not a big deal, but if I am giving you money, I would at least like a straight nametag. But, it is worse. He has his collar unbuttoned and his tie coming down. Really? Is that the look that says "Give me your money. Trust me. I will take care of it." No, that is a bad tv look that real men never use. Ever. I have never, ever walked around with my collar unbuttoned and my tie coming down. Well, if you count that 30 seconds when I am getting dressed or undressed, the tie isn't all the way up, but otherwise my tie is on my neck!
Yeah, Wells Fargo, lets start doing some loan modifications and helping people out. And lets put our employees in some clothes that make them look a bit more professional.
2. B of A - Bank of America or Bank of A-what-was-that? (Get it, they both start with "A") These folks are amazing. First, they buy up Countrywide and their horrible loans. Then, they decide to try to be good guys. How?
They have a new ad campaign. Starting now, we are going to make things easy to understand. Starting now, we are going to explain things. Really? Starting now? What about all of those years before? Were you not explaining things? Were you making it complicated intentionally? Is this like when food suddenly "tastes better?" Did it taste like crap before? Were you giving us dog food or puppy chow instead of good food? Now, Bank of America wants to explain things. Awfully nice, but aren't you the folks who put us in a freaking recession in the first place? A bit late, eh? Starting now, how about you bank executives stop taking millions of dollars in salary and help out the country a bit?
And now they send out these welcome packets. Not just any welcome packets, but these full color, nicely laid out, expensive looking welcome packets. They want to explain everything. And they do it twice - once in a booklet and once in a handy card. I guess they think you are going to take the card with you. Maybe drop it in your purse and bring it with you when you are sitting at the doctor's office. Are you supposed to pass them out to your friends? What the heck are you supposed to do with it? Oh I know, its just another effort by them to not look like the rip off artists that they are!
Memo to banks: spend a bit on helping us and actually help. Stop trying to look like nice guys and actually be nice guys!
welcome packets
1. Wells Fargo - I will ignore the fact that the average IQ there is less than Kate's from Jon and Kate. I will ignore the fact that the company made like a billion dollars last year. I will ignore the fact that they denied a short sale because they did not have a pre-qualification letter on 1 offer. There were 6 offers. They were missing 1 page on 1 offer. There were 5 perfectly fine offers including one for cash. I will also ignore that they turned down a loan modification because the bank decided it was not in the bank's best interest. Apparently, foreclosing is in their best interest. Let me get to my real problems with them.
I go in to the bank the other day. There is a banker there to greet me. And greet me she does. And then she follows me. Hovers, really. Very close. Very, very close. Not talking to me, just hovering. I felt like I was the hoverround and she was one of the creepy old people in the commercial. It was a bit scary.
Then I get up to the window. Dude has his nametag on - crooked. Yes, it was crooked. I mean, I know its not a big deal, but if I am giving you money, I would at least like a straight nametag. But, it is worse. He has his collar unbuttoned and his tie coming down. Really? Is that the look that says "Give me your money. Trust me. I will take care of it." No, that is a bad tv look that real men never use. Ever. I have never, ever walked around with my collar unbuttoned and my tie coming down. Well, if you count that 30 seconds when I am getting dressed or undressed, the tie isn't all the way up, but otherwise my tie is on my neck!
Yeah, Wells Fargo, lets start doing some loan modifications and helping people out. And lets put our employees in some clothes that make them look a bit more professional.
2. B of A - Bank of America or Bank of A-what-was-that? (Get it, they both start with "A") These folks are amazing. First, they buy up Countrywide and their horrible loans. Then, they decide to try to be good guys. How?
They have a new ad campaign. Starting now, we are going to make things easy to understand. Starting now, we are going to explain things. Really? Starting now? What about all of those years before? Were you not explaining things? Were you making it complicated intentionally? Is this like when food suddenly "tastes better?" Did it taste like crap before? Were you giving us dog food or puppy chow instead of good food? Now, Bank of America wants to explain things. Awfully nice, but aren't you the folks who put us in a freaking recession in the first place? A bit late, eh? Starting now, how about you bank executives stop taking millions of dollars in salary and help out the country a bit?
And now they send out these welcome packets. Not just any welcome packets, but these full color, nicely laid out, expensive looking welcome packets. They want to explain everything. And they do it twice - once in a booklet and once in a handy card. I guess they think you are going to take the card with you. Maybe drop it in your purse and bring it with you when you are sitting at the doctor's office. Are you supposed to pass them out to your friends? What the heck are you supposed to do with it? Oh I know, its just another effort by them to not look like the rip off artists that they are!
Memo to banks: spend a bit on helping us and actually help. Stop trying to look like nice guys and actually be nice guys!
welcome packets
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
TV ads that ruin tv
That is so not redundant. There are some funny ads. They are usually on during the Super Bowl. You know, the Big Game. (Yes, the NFL actually tried to copyright that. Any college football fan knows the Big Game is Cal Stanford. Remember the band? Remember the laterals? Remember the band member getting run over? That is the Big Game. But, NFL, thanks for trying to ruin a college football tradition. And I don't even like Cal. Or Stanford for that matter.) But there are some good tv ads. I am sure. I can't think of any right now. But they are out there. But two ads are the worst. These ads make Flo from Progressive look good. They make rhyming lawyer ads look.........no wait, nothing is worse than a rhyming lawyer ad, right rhyming lawyer guys? Oh sorry, they would like to answer, but are preoccupied coming up with a new rhyme.
1. Boost mobile and the baby. Okay, so in this ad, some dufus who is about 30 is sitting in a baby bjorn and his dad is walking him through the grocery store. Dufus is talking about his freaking phone. Okay, for those of you who do not know, a baby bjorn is a baby carrier. Notice the name - BABY bjorn. Not 30 year old dufus bjorn. That name is just too long. Oh, and its just not funny. If I hadn't just seen the ad, I wouldn't know it was for Boost mobile.
By the way, what the heck is boost mobile anyway? Does it take your regular mobile service and supercharge it? Is it like a turbo? Is it a superhero? What is boost mobile?
Ah, you see, if I don't know, then it means your ad is lame. You don't tell me what you do. Why not? Because you think some big dumb looking guy who can't even act well sitting in a baby bjorn is funny. It is not. I promise you that. Boost mobile - fire your entire advertising agency. Now.
2. Let me by myself. And in this case, myself is apparently a sell out. Look, I like 3 doors down. They have some good songs. I own 2 of their cds. Well, I have two CDs on my iPod. So, is it considered having the CD that way? Anyway, they play some good music. But, they are now sellouts. They have taken a good song and let GEICO use it for their freaking caveman ads. I thought the caveman ads went the way of the caveman - dead! Gone. Kaput. See ya later. But, no, the ads are back because of 3 doors down. It is their fault. All their fault. We were free of the caveman. I thought the Gecko was almost gone too. But, heck, now we may see a resurgence of these bad insurance ads. And bad insurance ads are the worst. The absolute worst!
We really need some good ads. Can those PR companies work on it? Please? Otherwise, hire some radio folks. Maybe a DJ or two who could do an ad. Please? Soon?
1. Boost mobile and the baby. Okay, so in this ad, some dufus who is about 30 is sitting in a baby bjorn and his dad is walking him through the grocery store. Dufus is talking about his freaking phone. Okay, for those of you who do not know, a baby bjorn is a baby carrier. Notice the name - BABY bjorn. Not 30 year old dufus bjorn. That name is just too long. Oh, and its just not funny. If I hadn't just seen the ad, I wouldn't know it was for Boost mobile.
By the way, what the heck is boost mobile anyway? Does it take your regular mobile service and supercharge it? Is it like a turbo? Is it a superhero? What is boost mobile?
Ah, you see, if I don't know, then it means your ad is lame. You don't tell me what you do. Why not? Because you think some big dumb looking guy who can't even act well sitting in a baby bjorn is funny. It is not. I promise you that. Boost mobile - fire your entire advertising agency. Now.
2. Let me by myself. And in this case, myself is apparently a sell out. Look, I like 3 doors down. They have some good songs. I own 2 of their cds. Well, I have two CDs on my iPod. So, is it considered having the CD that way? Anyway, they play some good music. But, they are now sellouts. They have taken a good song and let GEICO use it for their freaking caveman ads. I thought the caveman ads went the way of the caveman - dead! Gone. Kaput. See ya later. But, no, the ads are back because of 3 doors down. It is their fault. All their fault. We were free of the caveman. I thought the Gecko was almost gone too. But, heck, now we may see a resurgence of these bad insurance ads. And bad insurance ads are the worst. The absolute worst!
We really need some good ads. Can those PR companies work on it? Please? Otherwise, hire some radio folks. Maybe a DJ or two who could do an ad. Please? Soon?
Lawyers and Being a Lawyer
Okay, a few things I have to get off my chest. It has been a long two days of being a lawyer. Now, you non-lawyers don't make fun. That is like 2 weeks in normal living. In fact, when I am not working, I actually get younger because I don't have to deal with this nonsense.
1. Rhyming ads - WTF? Seriously, are we in 6th grade English learning to write poems. I mean, we could do the Haiku:
Practicing law
You should call our law firm first
We are the greatest
Or maybe we can break out a limerick:
There once was a lawyer in Roseville,
His members were so short they took a pill,
They saw everything blue instead of green,
And they stole potential clients claiming other lawyers were mean.
Or how about Roses are Red:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a family to be fed,
And I will beat up other attorneys with Kung fu.
I mean, seriously, there are law firms that try this. There is a law firm here with a three line rhyming ad.
For the best advice,
Please dont eat mice,
We can get money from rice.
Okay, so maybe it is not that bad, but it might as well be. These guys rhyme! Like 6th graders. No, wait, 6th graders would do a better job. Maybe something like this:
We have only been investigated by the FBI once,
We are as tall as runts,
And people think we are BLEEP! (Sorry, that was inappropriate!)
I mean, they think its a good ad. And everyone in town laughs at them. But they won't change it. Unfreakingbelievable.
2. Blawgtweet - Okay, disclaimer, I know the guy who uses twitter as @blawgtweet and he is a friend of mine. That being said, and he knows I feel this way, @blawgtweet? Really? Let's break it down.
Blawg? What is a blawg? I know, it is a blog about law. I guess I should write the Calawifornia Law Blawg. Or maybe the Lawsiana Law Blawg. Or how about Lawrry's Lawctating Law Blawg, a blog from Larry about lactation law. Blawg sounds like what you do when you have drunk too much and you are worshiping the porcelain thrown. Not that I have ever experienced that on New Year's Eve, but it is what I have heard.
And tweet? Tweet? It sounds like where you milk a cow. Happy cows come from California and their tweets aren't pulled too hard. Er, sorry. I mean, I think Pamela Anderson had some really big tweets. Dang it, not that either.
But, really, blawgtweet? ARGH! It hurts my eyes to just look at that word. It is my goal between now and 2010 to ban the word blawg from the English language. I mean, next we are going to start spelling centre, colour, Kalifornia, Rut Beer, and my house will have ruuf!
3. Morons - The legal profession seems to have more than its fair share of these. Just because you graduated from law school does not mean you are smart. It does not mean that you have any clue as to what goes on in the world. And if you went to a big fancy law school, it really doesn't mean you are smarter than anyone else. It usually just means that mom and dad had some money to grease some palms. And yes, I am talking about you Ralph Malph. You know who you are. Stop it. People have lives outside of the law. People have other things more important than litigation. People don't care about you and your garbage litigation. Let people live their lives and then they can provide you with what you think you need.
Oh, and did I mention that just because you went to law school does not mean you are smarter than anyone else? Because you are not. Really. I promise.
1. Rhyming ads - WTF? Seriously, are we in 6th grade English learning to write poems. I mean, we could do the Haiku:
Practicing law
You should call our law firm first
We are the greatest
Or maybe we can break out a limerick:
There once was a lawyer in Roseville,
His members were so short they took a pill,
They saw everything blue instead of green,
And they stole potential clients claiming other lawyers were mean.
Or how about Roses are Red:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a family to be fed,
And I will beat up other attorneys with Kung fu.
I mean, seriously, there are law firms that try this. There is a law firm here with a three line rhyming ad.
For the best advice,
Please dont eat mice,
We can get money from rice.
Okay, so maybe it is not that bad, but it might as well be. These guys rhyme! Like 6th graders. No, wait, 6th graders would do a better job. Maybe something like this:
We have only been investigated by the FBI once,
We are as tall as runts,
And people think we are BLEEP! (Sorry, that was inappropriate!)
I mean, they think its a good ad. And everyone in town laughs at them. But they won't change it. Unfreakingbelievable.
2. Blawgtweet - Okay, disclaimer, I know the guy who uses twitter as @blawgtweet and he is a friend of mine. That being said, and he knows I feel this way, @blawgtweet? Really? Let's break it down.
Blawg? What is a blawg? I know, it is a blog about law. I guess I should write the Calawifornia Law Blawg. Or maybe the Lawsiana Law Blawg. Or how about Lawrry's Lawctating Law Blawg, a blog from Larry about lactation law. Blawg sounds like what you do when you have drunk too much and you are worshiping the porcelain thrown. Not that I have ever experienced that on New Year's Eve, but it is what I have heard.
And tweet? Tweet? It sounds like where you milk a cow. Happy cows come from California and their tweets aren't pulled too hard. Er, sorry. I mean, I think Pamela Anderson had some really big tweets. Dang it, not that either.
But, really, blawgtweet? ARGH! It hurts my eyes to just look at that word. It is my goal between now and 2010 to ban the word blawg from the English language. I mean, next we are going to start spelling centre, colour, Kalifornia, Rut Beer, and my house will have ruuf!
3. Morons - The legal profession seems to have more than its fair share of these. Just because you graduated from law school does not mean you are smart. It does not mean that you have any clue as to what goes on in the world. And if you went to a big fancy law school, it really doesn't mean you are smarter than anyone else. It usually just means that mom and dad had some money to grease some palms. And yes, I am talking about you Ralph Malph. You know who you are. Stop it. People have lives outside of the law. People have other things more important than litigation. People don't care about you and your garbage litigation. Let people live their lives and then they can provide you with what you think you need.
Oh, and did I mention that just because you went to law school does not mean you are smarter than anyone else? Because you are not. Really. I promise.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The ABA or the NAFTABA
Okay, it is not often that I publicly rant.........about groups to which I belong. But, I am quitting the ABA so I don't mind explaining to the world (or the 4 readers that I have) why this organization is an outdated, useless, ridiculous, ill fated, poorly run, poorly conceived organization. Well, at least I will explain why I am ticked off - this time.
So, let's start with the basics. The ABA, or American Bar Association, isn't a real bar association. Er, I mean, it is a voluntary bar association. In other words, to practice law in California, I have to be a member of the California bar. It is required. However, the ABA is something I can join - if I want to. Why I wanted to is beyond me.
So the ABA is supposed to be the AMERICAN bar association. And they have regular meetings. And they have groups. They have more groups than Carter had little liver pills. Fine, most of my readers don't get that. So, they have more groups than the former Gladiators on American Gladiators had roids. (I mean the old school American Gladiators, not the new NBC show that was so bad I made it all of 5 minutes.) They have the Family Law group, the insurance law group, the insurance for family law issues group, the tax group, the tax insurance group, the tax insurance and family law group. Well, you get the point.
They also have the GP Solo group. This is their homage to sole practitioners, who make up the majority of lawyers in this country. They mix us in with general practitioners. It is like mixing tacos and cookies. No matter how you try it - YUCK! But, they do it since apparently solos are not cool enough to get their own group. Oh no, wait. That is not it. Solos do not pay off, er, buy off, er, donate enough money to get their own group. Sorry. You could see how I would get confused on that.
Anyway, the GP Solo group had its annual meeting scheduled for Mexico. Now, last time I checked, Mexico is not in America. It is not part of America. It is not the 51st state, nor the 52nd for that matter. It is a country. A country with a very different legal system then the US. We have our system, they have corruption. But, the GP Solo, in its infinite wisdom, decided to have a meeting in Mexico. WTF? Mexico? Really? You couldn't find a place in all 50 states to have it. I mean, there is NYC - my favorite city in the world. You could have it in Hawaii if you want something relaxing. Maybe break out a trip to Miami Beach for the parties. Alaska would be good for hunting. Heck, have it in Alabama and have a discussion panel on marrying relatives. You see my point? All of these options and they chose freaking Mexico. Huh? Why? Oh, I know so they could cancel it over the freaking swine flu fake crisis. I know, it wasn't fake. We just don't hear about it anymore. Nice choice ABA.
So, then the ABA has this thing called Solosez. Google it. I am not making it up. Honest. Look it up. They have have a website, solosez.net. Apparently, it took a lot for the ABA to come up with that website name since these folks weren't smart enough to get ABA.net for their website. Nope, not even ABA.org. They have abanet.org. What the hell does that mean? ABANET? Is that a combination of the New Jersey basketball team and the ABA? Is it what happens when the ABA folks fall into nets? One can only wish.
So, solosez is an email list. It has 4,000 attorneys. And one of the rules is no commercial solicitations. In other words, I cannot go on and say "Buy my product." It has been a rule since day 1. But, apparently, GP Solo has changed their mind. You can now solicit. But, you can only do it if you buy off the GP Solo division. Er, I mean, if you have a strategic relationship. I mean, what the hell is a strategic relationship? It means you gave a lot of money to the ABA and they will allow you to market to 4,000 people by yourself. I guess is makes sense for the ABA, but it really doesn't serve the members. Oh wait, you see solosez is for small firm attorneys and solo practitioners. Those are the folks the ABA doesn't care about in the first place.
So, this guy TP management, I think that is the company name, has one of these relations with the ABA. (Wait, I don't mean to imply that TP and ABA are having relations. After all, TP doesn't have enough money to make ABA give up its current marriage to big law firms who think their **** doesn't stink.) But, TP gets to advertise to all of solosez. And if you complain you get the "Jon Treatment." Yes you get banned from solosez. Absolutely freaking amazing. So, basically, for a large sum of money or favors (and yes, I mean those favors, although I do not mean to imply that TP gave those favors, only that ONE could in theory give those favors), you are entitled to post 5 times per day and tell people to buy your crappy product.
And the best part is that TP's emails are like listening to a tout service. Oh, don't sit there and pretend that you have never listened to a tout service. You know you have. Everyone has. I do it during football season. Driving around, you put on sports talk radio and you hear some hack starting in "I have a documented 90% win rate. This is DOCUMENTED. I mean, I CAN PROVE IT. I win more times than the POPE WOULD WIN IF HE COULD PICK GAMES. If you gave me $500 last weekend, you would have $25,000 today. WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN! Buy now! Call me at 800-I AM A BAD TOUT SERVICE."
So, TP sends out emails like this. And he gets to do it. I mean, the fix is not in, it is already done. I must admit that TP (and stop thinking I am thinking about toilet paper usage every time I write this) has at least figured out a way to make money. I guess everyone has to have some talent and his is figuring out that paying money to the hacks in charge of the ABA would get him the right to advertise to a group that no one else could advertise to.
So, ABA - give me my money back. You defrauded me. You ripped me off. You can't even help our country in the middle of the worst recession since the Great Depression. You schedule a meeting for outside of our country. And who does that help except the rich big firm lawyers? You then sell out to some hack. SELL OUT! It is a shame. I want my money back. NOW!
So, let's start with the basics. The ABA, or American Bar Association, isn't a real bar association. Er, I mean, it is a voluntary bar association. In other words, to practice law in California, I have to be a member of the California bar. It is required. However, the ABA is something I can join - if I want to. Why I wanted to is beyond me.
So the ABA is supposed to be the AMERICAN bar association. And they have regular meetings. And they have groups. They have more groups than Carter had little liver pills. Fine, most of my readers don't get that. So, they have more groups than the former Gladiators on American Gladiators had roids. (I mean the old school American Gladiators, not the new NBC show that was so bad I made it all of 5 minutes.) They have the Family Law group, the insurance law group, the insurance for family law issues group, the tax group, the tax insurance group, the tax insurance and family law group. Well, you get the point.
They also have the GP Solo group. This is their homage to sole practitioners, who make up the majority of lawyers in this country. They mix us in with general practitioners. It is like mixing tacos and cookies. No matter how you try it - YUCK! But, they do it since apparently solos are not cool enough to get their own group. Oh no, wait. That is not it. Solos do not pay off, er, buy off, er, donate enough money to get their own group. Sorry. You could see how I would get confused on that.
Anyway, the GP Solo group had its annual meeting scheduled for Mexico. Now, last time I checked, Mexico is not in America. It is not part of America. It is not the 51st state, nor the 52nd for that matter. It is a country. A country with a very different legal system then the US. We have our system, they have corruption. But, the GP Solo, in its infinite wisdom, decided to have a meeting in Mexico. WTF? Mexico? Really? You couldn't find a place in all 50 states to have it. I mean, there is NYC - my favorite city in the world. You could have it in Hawaii if you want something relaxing. Maybe break out a trip to Miami Beach for the parties. Alaska would be good for hunting. Heck, have it in Alabama and have a discussion panel on marrying relatives. You see my point? All of these options and they chose freaking Mexico. Huh? Why? Oh, I know so they could cancel it over the freaking swine flu fake crisis. I know, it wasn't fake. We just don't hear about it anymore. Nice choice ABA.
So, then the ABA has this thing called Solosez. Google it. I am not making it up. Honest. Look it up. They have have a website, solosez.net. Apparently, it took a lot for the ABA to come up with that website name since these folks weren't smart enough to get ABA.net for their website. Nope, not even ABA.org. They have abanet.org. What the hell does that mean? ABANET? Is that a combination of the New Jersey basketball team and the ABA? Is it what happens when the ABA folks fall into nets? One can only wish.
So, solosez is an email list. It has 4,000 attorneys. And one of the rules is no commercial solicitations. In other words, I cannot go on and say "Buy my product." It has been a rule since day 1. But, apparently, GP Solo has changed their mind. You can now solicit. But, you can only do it if you buy off the GP Solo division. Er, I mean, if you have a strategic relationship. I mean, what the hell is a strategic relationship? It means you gave a lot of money to the ABA and they will allow you to market to 4,000 people by yourself. I guess is makes sense for the ABA, but it really doesn't serve the members. Oh wait, you see solosez is for small firm attorneys and solo practitioners. Those are the folks the ABA doesn't care about in the first place.
So, this guy TP management, I think that is the company name, has one of these relations with the ABA. (Wait, I don't mean to imply that TP and ABA are having relations. After all, TP doesn't have enough money to make ABA give up its current marriage to big law firms who think their **** doesn't stink.) But, TP gets to advertise to all of solosez. And if you complain you get the "Jon Treatment." Yes you get banned from solosez. Absolutely freaking amazing. So, basically, for a large sum of money or favors (and yes, I mean those favors, although I do not mean to imply that TP gave those favors, only that ONE could in theory give those favors), you are entitled to post 5 times per day and tell people to buy your crappy product.
And the best part is that TP's emails are like listening to a tout service. Oh, don't sit there and pretend that you have never listened to a tout service. You know you have. Everyone has. I do it during football season. Driving around, you put on sports talk radio and you hear some hack starting in "I have a documented 90% win rate. This is DOCUMENTED. I mean, I CAN PROVE IT. I win more times than the POPE WOULD WIN IF HE COULD PICK GAMES. If you gave me $500 last weekend, you would have $25,000 today. WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN! Buy now! Call me at 800-I AM A BAD TOUT SERVICE."
So, TP sends out emails like this. And he gets to do it. I mean, the fix is not in, it is already done. I must admit that TP (and stop thinking I am thinking about toilet paper usage every time I write this) has at least figured out a way to make money. I guess everyone has to have some talent and his is figuring out that paying money to the hacks in charge of the ABA would get him the right to advertise to a group that no one else could advertise to.
So, ABA - give me my money back. You defrauded me. You ripped me off. You can't even help our country in the middle of the worst recession since the Great Depression. You schedule a meeting for outside of our country. And who does that help except the rich big firm lawyers? You then sell out to some hack. SELL OUT! It is a shame. I want my money back. NOW!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
A few things that are just strange
Okay, so these things have been making me say "Hmmmmmmmm......." Or in the words of C+C Music Factory "Its the things that make you go hmmmmm."
1. Do More With Heart Failure. Seriously. That is the name of a program at my doctor's office. Do more with heart failure? Now, I am not a doctor, but if your heart fails, aren't you dead? Or is this for people who are on a ventilator? I mean, are they trying to set up play dates for folks who are in the ICU? Do they wheel you over to a different room so you can have a new roommate for a few hours? Personally, once my heart fails, I think that is a good time for me to give it up. Maybe stop playing soccer. Maybe I will give up the taekwondo. Probably will tell my wife I can no longer practice law. I think that is about it once I have heart failure. But if any of you are up for doing more, go see my doctor's office. And let me know how much fun you have - if you can talk!.
2. Cross with care. Yes, that is a sign in downtown Sacramento. Okay, so it makes sense: be safe when you are crossing the street. On the south side of the street is a construction company office. On the north side is the building that they are building. Easy enough. The odd thing: the cross walk is about 20 feet away. If you really want your employees to cross with care, why not put up a sign that says "Cross at the crosswalk only." Is that extra 40 feet (20 on one side and then 20 back up the other way) really going to hurt them? Is that too far for construction guys? I mean, we don't want them walking on their hands since they need their hands, but couldn't they walk on their feet that distance? Isn't that really crossing with care? Or are they so lazy that they can't make that distance?!
3. Smoking in the boys room. Well, in this case, the boys room is really the doctor's office. Okay, so I don't get smoking at all. I think it is a nasty, disgusting habit. YUCK! It makes your clothes smell. It makes you smell. And it looks ridiculous. But, some people are addicted and cannot quit. And who am I to question them? I get that addictions can be hard to quit. But, if you are leaving the doctor's office, shouldn't you, say, wait 10 minutes before you light up and try to kill yourself? I mean, a little distance from checking on your health to killing yourself slowly is probably a good thing. I don't know, but it seems like bad karma to go have your health checked and then go try to kill yourself. But that's just me!
1. Do More With Heart Failure. Seriously. That is the name of a program at my doctor's office. Do more with heart failure? Now, I am not a doctor, but if your heart fails, aren't you dead? Or is this for people who are on a ventilator? I mean, are they trying to set up play dates for folks who are in the ICU? Do they wheel you over to a different room so you can have a new roommate for a few hours? Personally, once my heart fails, I think that is a good time for me to give it up. Maybe stop playing soccer. Maybe I will give up the taekwondo. Probably will tell my wife I can no longer practice law. I think that is about it once I have heart failure. But if any of you are up for doing more, go see my doctor's office. And let me know how much fun you have - if you can talk!.
2. Cross with care. Yes, that is a sign in downtown Sacramento. Okay, so it makes sense: be safe when you are crossing the street. On the south side of the street is a construction company office. On the north side is the building that they are building. Easy enough. The odd thing: the cross walk is about 20 feet away. If you really want your employees to cross with care, why not put up a sign that says "Cross at the crosswalk only." Is that extra 40 feet (20 on one side and then 20 back up the other way) really going to hurt them? Is that too far for construction guys? I mean, we don't want them walking on their hands since they need their hands, but couldn't they walk on their feet that distance? Isn't that really crossing with care? Or are they so lazy that they can't make that distance?!
3. Smoking in the boys room. Well, in this case, the boys room is really the doctor's office. Okay, so I don't get smoking at all. I think it is a nasty, disgusting habit. YUCK! It makes your clothes smell. It makes you smell. And it looks ridiculous. But, some people are addicted and cannot quit. And who am I to question them? I get that addictions can be hard to quit. But, if you are leaving the doctor's office, shouldn't you, say, wait 10 minutes before you light up and try to kill yourself? I mean, a little distance from checking on your health to killing yourself slowly is probably a good thing. I don't know, but it seems like bad karma to go have your health checked and then go try to kill yourself. But that's just me!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
More Random Obsevations
A few more random observations from a Thursday.
1. Why do guys wear those muscle shirt and then flex in public? I was at Chipotle. There was some guy sitting there eating with another guy. He was wearing a muscle shirt and talking. He then started flexing his chest. He had his moobs moving. WTF? Seriously, does he think someone thought this was cool? You see, when guys work out, they do it for one of two reasons. Most of us do it to stay in shape. Its a healthy lifestyle. But, class two is dudes who think it is "sexy" or "hot." They think women like this look. Dude, your 'roided up body doesn't look hot or sexy to anyone. It looks lame. It looks like your testicles are shrunken and you need Viagra on a date. Stop flexing those moobs and walking around in Ross' Frankie Goes to Hollywood t-shirt. LAME!
2. How come bone marrow drives charge you? I know the reason. It is an expensive test. I get that. But they only charge white people. Why only white people? Because the registry has too many white people and not enough minorities. Fair enough. But, if you want to do a drive to see if there is a match for Johnny, how about someone kick in some money to cover the cost? I don't mind giving my marrow, but I am not going to pay $100, especially in a recession, to find out if I am a match for Johnny. It just seems like someone else should cover the cost instead of the apparent donor.
3. Why do people buy the 1 series BMW or the C class Mercedes Benz? It is not a really BMW or a really Mercedes. It is a wanna-be BMW. It is like playing minor league baseball. It is not the show. I mean, if you are going to pay $30,000 for a car, go with a Hyundai Genesis or something. The 1 series BMW is like buying a Ford Pinto. You might as well put the money in a Vespa or something. At least the Vespa will last longer than the 1 series. I mean, if you need validation that badly, you should probably call Dr. Phil. No wait, don't call him. He can barely figure himself out, that no good publicity stunt wannabe reality tv crap host. I mean, that dude should really get off tv and then maybe my tv won't look so fat. But, the 1 series owner probably is the same guy who flexes in public or the woman with the tummy tuck, lift and implant. I mean, really, is your self esteem that low?
4. Its a girl. (If you dont get that, trust me, its not funny.)
1. Why do guys wear those muscle shirt and then flex in public? I was at Chipotle. There was some guy sitting there eating with another guy. He was wearing a muscle shirt and talking. He then started flexing his chest. He had his moobs moving. WTF? Seriously, does he think someone thought this was cool? You see, when guys work out, they do it for one of two reasons. Most of us do it to stay in shape. Its a healthy lifestyle. But, class two is dudes who think it is "sexy" or "hot." They think women like this look. Dude, your 'roided up body doesn't look hot or sexy to anyone. It looks lame. It looks like your testicles are shrunken and you need Viagra on a date. Stop flexing those moobs and walking around in Ross' Frankie Goes to Hollywood t-shirt. LAME!
2. How come bone marrow drives charge you? I know the reason. It is an expensive test. I get that. But they only charge white people. Why only white people? Because the registry has too many white people and not enough minorities. Fair enough. But, if you want to do a drive to see if there is a match for Johnny, how about someone kick in some money to cover the cost? I don't mind giving my marrow, but I am not going to pay $100, especially in a recession, to find out if I am a match for Johnny. It just seems like someone else should cover the cost instead of the apparent donor.
3. Why do people buy the 1 series BMW or the C class Mercedes Benz? It is not a really BMW or a really Mercedes. It is a wanna-be BMW. It is like playing minor league baseball. It is not the show. I mean, if you are going to pay $30,000 for a car, go with a Hyundai Genesis or something. The 1 series BMW is like buying a Ford Pinto. You might as well put the money in a Vespa or something. At least the Vespa will last longer than the 1 series. I mean, if you need validation that badly, you should probably call Dr. Phil. No wait, don't call him. He can barely figure himself out, that no good publicity stunt wannabe reality tv crap host. I mean, that dude should really get off tv and then maybe my tv won't look so fat. But, the 1 series owner probably is the same guy who flexes in public or the woman with the tummy tuck, lift and implant. I mean, really, is your self esteem that low?
4. Its a girl. (If you dont get that, trust me, its not funny.)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Freaking Wells Fargo
Okay, so this was going to be a rant about standardized testing. And I started it at about 8:20. I got through part of it and my work phone rang at 8:34. Yes, 8:34 at night. PM! After dark. When most people are not answering their phones. Kids in bed time. After dinner. Looking for a little snack time. Just over 12 hours to go time. You know, NIGHT TIME!
But, being the dedicated employee, er, attorney that I am, I answered the phone. After all, the phone number that showed up on caller ID was a 414 number. You know the rule - if the phone rings at night, it is not good. The later it rings, the worse the news. And when it comes from a different area code, it is really bad. There is a 1 to 10 scale on bad news.
You know, the phone rings between 6 and 9 and its like a 4. It rings between 9 and midnight and its a 7. If it rings between midnight and 4 am, it is a 10. If the phone rings after 4am, then you know someone had a baby.
Seriously, who else calls you between 4am and like 8am? No one. Only expectant fathers whose wives are in labor and they want to tell you. No one else would call you then.
And if the phone rings between 6 and 9 and it is from a different area code, add 1 so its a 5. Between 9 and midnight from a different area code, it is an 8. And after midnight from a different area code, then is like a 12 - and the scale stops at 10!
Anyway, so the phone rings and I answer it. It is Wells Fargo. It is not the next stage, it is the never calls you back stage. They want to talk to me about a client. A client who I have been helping since OCTOBER! They are just getting around to it. It is May. Yes, it took them 7 (SEVEN) (SIETE) (SEPT) (SETTE) months to get back to me. 7 freaking months. That would be over 28 weeks. That would be more than 196 days. It would be 4,704 hours. 282,240 minutes for them to call me back, give or take a few hundred minutes.
Then this lady, who called me, and by called me, I mean dialed my phone number by herself, and by dialed, I mean she used her chubby little fingers to push the buttons. And I am sure she did push the buttons. But, this lady who called me asked me for my client's home address. Um, its 8:34 at night and I happen to be at home. How would I have my client's address? I asked her that. She said she needed it to verify my identity before she could talk to me.
I asked her, and I did this with a serious tone, "Um, you called me. You dialed my phone. I answered the phone 'This is Jonathan.' Doesn't that verify my identity?" I thought I was in Sneakers. No, not the tennis shoes, the movie. Sheesh, Robert Redford flick. Great movie. Anyway, she says that this is their procedure. She called me. She dialed the phone. I answered very simply with the name of the person she was calling. Yet, apparently, that is not good enough for her.
I asked why I was getting a call at 8:34 at night. She said that she doesn't start working until 4pm my time and most of her customers are in California. So, let me see if I get this right. You don't START until most of the people are about to quit working? Now, I understand there are some jobs that can be done at night and it works. Custodian, UPS driver, long haul trucker, police officer, prostitute, phone sex operator: all good night jobs. Bank representative who is trying to negotiate something: BAD NIGHT JOB! I mean, seriously, when you are calling attorneys for your job and you start at 4pm, how many people do you think you are going to talk to?
I know, that is the point. They can just leave us messages and not have to talk to us. Then why not have a robo-dialer do it. How about someone with at least a cool voice? I mean, maybe Billy Mays is available to record a message. "Hi. This is Billy Mays for Wells Fargo Bank. We are trying to reach you about your client. You aren't there. If you call in the next 10 minutes, we will double your order and you will get 2 bottles of Oxyclean, 2 Mr. Puddy Wall Fix Kits, 2 shark repellant thingermerbobers from Pitch Men, and 2 overly expensive mortgages that you cannot pay back." At least that would be enjoyable.
So, I asked her what would have happened if I didn't answer the phone. She would have left me a message and tried again - when I got back to the top of her stack. I figure that would be sometime around December, 2009. Maybe. If I was lucky. Which, of course, I am not!
Is it any wonder our banks have screwed up our economy? They can't deal with people during normal business hours. They have some arcane policy and don't even try to deal with real life people. I mean, if any of us ran our business this way, the government wouldn't give us bailout money - they would tar and feather us. I know the State Bar would be all over me. Yet, we let the banks do it - and we pay them to. Unreal!
But, being the dedicated employee, er, attorney that I am, I answered the phone. After all, the phone number that showed up on caller ID was a 414 number. You know the rule - if the phone rings at night, it is not good. The later it rings, the worse the news. And when it comes from a different area code, it is really bad. There is a 1 to 10 scale on bad news.
You know, the phone rings between 6 and 9 and its like a 4. It rings between 9 and midnight and its a 7. If it rings between midnight and 4 am, it is a 10. If the phone rings after 4am, then you know someone had a baby.
Seriously, who else calls you between 4am and like 8am? No one. Only expectant fathers whose wives are in labor and they want to tell you. No one else would call you then.
And if the phone rings between 6 and 9 and it is from a different area code, add 1 so its a 5. Between 9 and midnight from a different area code, it is an 8. And after midnight from a different area code, then is like a 12 - and the scale stops at 10!
Anyway, so the phone rings and I answer it. It is Wells Fargo. It is not the next stage, it is the never calls you back stage. They want to talk to me about a client. A client who I have been helping since OCTOBER! They are just getting around to it. It is May. Yes, it took them 7 (SEVEN) (SIETE) (SEPT) (SETTE) months to get back to me. 7 freaking months. That would be over 28 weeks. That would be more than 196 days. It would be 4,704 hours. 282,240 minutes for them to call me back, give or take a few hundred minutes.
Then this lady, who called me, and by called me, I mean dialed my phone number by herself, and by dialed, I mean she used her chubby little fingers to push the buttons. And I am sure she did push the buttons. But, this lady who called me asked me for my client's home address. Um, its 8:34 at night and I happen to be at home. How would I have my client's address? I asked her that. She said she needed it to verify my identity before she could talk to me.
I asked her, and I did this with a serious tone, "Um, you called me. You dialed my phone. I answered the phone 'This is Jonathan.' Doesn't that verify my identity?" I thought I was in Sneakers. No, not the tennis shoes, the movie. Sheesh, Robert Redford flick. Great movie. Anyway, she says that this is their procedure. She called me. She dialed the phone. I answered very simply with the name of the person she was calling. Yet, apparently, that is not good enough for her.
I asked why I was getting a call at 8:34 at night. She said that she doesn't start working until 4pm my time and most of her customers are in California. So, let me see if I get this right. You don't START until most of the people are about to quit working? Now, I understand there are some jobs that can be done at night and it works. Custodian, UPS driver, long haul trucker, police officer, prostitute, phone sex operator: all good night jobs. Bank representative who is trying to negotiate something: BAD NIGHT JOB! I mean, seriously, when you are calling attorneys for your job and you start at 4pm, how many people do you think you are going to talk to?
I know, that is the point. They can just leave us messages and not have to talk to us. Then why not have a robo-dialer do it. How about someone with at least a cool voice? I mean, maybe Billy Mays is available to record a message. "Hi. This is Billy Mays for Wells Fargo Bank. We are trying to reach you about your client. You aren't there. If you call in the next 10 minutes, we will double your order and you will get 2 bottles of Oxyclean, 2 Mr. Puddy Wall Fix Kits, 2 shark repellant thingermerbobers from Pitch Men, and 2 overly expensive mortgages that you cannot pay back." At least that would be enjoyable.
So, I asked her what would have happened if I didn't answer the phone. She would have left me a message and tried again - when I got back to the top of her stack. I figure that would be sometime around December, 2009. Maybe. If I was lucky. Which, of course, I am not!
Is it any wonder our banks have screwed up our economy? They can't deal with people during normal business hours. They have some arcane policy and don't even try to deal with real life people. I mean, if any of us ran our business this way, the government wouldn't give us bailout money - they would tar and feather us. I know the State Bar would be all over me. Yet, we let the banks do it - and we pay them to. Unreal!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
You Found Me
(WARNING: This isn't as funny as some other rants)
I found God on the corner of First and Amistad,
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth,
What if God was one of us?,
He said God does not play dice,
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man,
God only knows what I’d be without you,
Okay, so did I decide to get religious on you and find God? Of course........well, no. But, someone did and I think it is Danny Bonaduce. No, wait, sorry. Danny Bonaduce found NORML. Sorry, the dude I am thinking of is an attorney who looks like Danny Bonaduce. Well, except probably 20 lbs lighter. Well, that's an understatement. Twenty pounds of muscle lighter. Maybe 50 or 60 lbs lighter over all.
This guy, who shall remain nameless, is an attorney who has a practice near me. I met him years ago when he made it very clear he was late for a meeting because his "Jag broke down. Yes, sorry, the Jag broke down. It is sad that the Jag broke down." Apparently he has given up the Jag and now found God. I don't know if that means he is on time now or not.
I don't have a problem with finding God, per se. In fact, there are times when religion can be good. Religion can help explain the loss of a loved one or explain why bad things happen to good people. Religion can be a way to figure out life.
But, let's be honest. Religion can also be bad. And when religion is used like this, it is bad. Dude has a tv commercial about saving babies. And it directs people to call his office to talk about why abortion is bad. You can also call his office to pray. Seriously. How does that conversation go?
Caller: I saw your ad on tv and need to pray.
Receptionist: Um. That is not me. That is Mr. Smith. He is not in.
Caller: I need to pray now. Why won't you pray with me?
Receptionist: That is not my job. I don't pray with people. Mr. Smith does. He is not in.
Caller: Fine.
Receptionist: Please hold for his voice mail.
Voice Mail: You have reached Mr. Smith at 666-6666. Please press 1 if you were injured in a car accident and can't walk so I can be paged immediately. Please press 2 if your doctor cut off the wrong leg so I can be paged immediately. Please press 3 if a loved one has died so I can be paged immediately. Please press 4 if you want to pray and leave a message that I will return when it is convenient for me. Please press 5 to hear my sermon on why you should keep your baby. Please press 666 if you are a non-believer.
I mean, really, someone calls my office and wants to pray, and I politely pass them off to clergy. I am not in the prayer business. If I was, you would not see me blogging about this stuff. Well, maybe, but that would just be weird. I just don't see how I can give legal advice and religious advice at the same time. But he goes beyond that.
He tells people that the woman in Roe v. Wade now regrets her decision. And he has the sound of a baby's heartbeat at 16 weeks on his website. And pictures of the baby in utero.
Look, I am a big pro-choice kind of guy. Not just on abortion either. Look, if Jack wants to date Diane, good for them. If Jack wants to date Dane, good for them. It is not my business. Similarly, if Suzie wants an abortion, that is her decision. If Suzie wants to keep the baby or place it for adoption, that is great. But it is her choice. (This comes from a guy who has adopted three kids and thinks adoption is the greatest thing in the world.)
Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe he isn't using religion as a weapon. Maybe he isn't using it to attack people who think differently from him. Maybe, just maybe, this is the best marketing ploy I have seen. Maybe he is using this to get clients. "Hey Christian believers, I am one of you too. Come hire me and we can fight those non-believing insurance companies together." Maybe he is just a smarter marketing guy than me. And maybe cows fly!
Look, dude is a 60 something year old who thinks he is a 40 something year old and dies his hair red or blonde, depending on that time of (no, I am so not going there) year. He thinks he is Danny Bonaduce and wants to go with that bad mother look. He is a lame, doughboy who once had a friend named Prabuddah who suddenly became Jack. He is on his third or fourth or fifth wife and thinks he now knows better than the rest of us.
It is nonsense. Seriously, what a joke. Dude needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with someone who can tell him that he is full of it and should really stop his nonsense. Now. Stop telling people what to do and how to do it. Stop using the sound of a heartbeat to try to manipulate people. Just stop. Now.
I found God on the corner of First and Amistad,
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth,
What if God was one of us?,
He said God does not play dice,
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man,
God only knows what I’d be without you,
Okay, so did I decide to get religious on you and find God? Of course........well, no. But, someone did and I think it is Danny Bonaduce. No, wait, sorry. Danny Bonaduce found NORML. Sorry, the dude I am thinking of is an attorney who looks like Danny Bonaduce. Well, except probably 20 lbs lighter. Well, that's an understatement. Twenty pounds of muscle lighter. Maybe 50 or 60 lbs lighter over all.
This guy, who shall remain nameless, is an attorney who has a practice near me. I met him years ago when he made it very clear he was late for a meeting because his "Jag broke down. Yes, sorry, the Jag broke down. It is sad that the Jag broke down." Apparently he has given up the Jag and now found God. I don't know if that means he is on time now or not.
I don't have a problem with finding God, per se. In fact, there are times when religion can be good. Religion can help explain the loss of a loved one or explain why bad things happen to good people. Religion can be a way to figure out life.
But, let's be honest. Religion can also be bad. And when religion is used like this, it is bad. Dude has a tv commercial about saving babies. And it directs people to call his office to talk about why abortion is bad. You can also call his office to pray. Seriously. How does that conversation go?
Caller: I saw your ad on tv and need to pray.
Receptionist: Um. That is not me. That is Mr. Smith. He is not in.
Caller: I need to pray now. Why won't you pray with me?
Receptionist: That is not my job. I don't pray with people. Mr. Smith does. He is not in.
Caller: Fine.
Receptionist: Please hold for his voice mail.
Voice Mail: You have reached Mr. Smith at 666-6666. Please press 1 if you were injured in a car accident and can't walk so I can be paged immediately. Please press 2 if your doctor cut off the wrong leg so I can be paged immediately. Please press 3 if a loved one has died so I can be paged immediately. Please press 4 if you want to pray and leave a message that I will return when it is convenient for me. Please press 5 to hear my sermon on why you should keep your baby. Please press 666 if you are a non-believer.
I mean, really, someone calls my office and wants to pray, and I politely pass them off to clergy. I am not in the prayer business. If I was, you would not see me blogging about this stuff. Well, maybe, but that would just be weird. I just don't see how I can give legal advice and religious advice at the same time. But he goes beyond that.
He tells people that the woman in Roe v. Wade now regrets her decision. And he has the sound of a baby's heartbeat at 16 weeks on his website. And pictures of the baby in utero.
Look, I am a big pro-choice kind of guy. Not just on abortion either. Look, if Jack wants to date Diane, good for them. If Jack wants to date Dane, good for them. It is not my business. Similarly, if Suzie wants an abortion, that is her decision. If Suzie wants to keep the baby or place it for adoption, that is great. But it is her choice. (This comes from a guy who has adopted three kids and thinks adoption is the greatest thing in the world.)
Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe he isn't using religion as a weapon. Maybe he isn't using it to attack people who think differently from him. Maybe, just maybe, this is the best marketing ploy I have seen. Maybe he is using this to get clients. "Hey Christian believers, I am one of you too. Come hire me and we can fight those non-believing insurance companies together." Maybe he is just a smarter marketing guy than me. And maybe cows fly!
Look, dude is a 60 something year old who thinks he is a 40 something year old and dies his hair red or blonde, depending on that time of (no, I am so not going there) year. He thinks he is Danny Bonaduce and wants to go with that bad mother look. He is a lame, doughboy who once had a friend named Prabuddah who suddenly became Jack. He is on his third or fourth or fifth wife and thinks he now knows better than the rest of us.
It is nonsense. Seriously, what a joke. Dude needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with someone who can tell him that he is full of it and should really stop his nonsense. Now. Stop telling people what to do and how to do it. Stop using the sound of a heartbeat to try to manipulate people. Just stop. Now.
Monday, May 4, 2009
5 Annoying People plus a bonus
In watching tv and listening to the radio, I have decided there are some annoying people who have the ability to talk to us everyday. By talk, I mean we have to hear their voices. Not hear their voices like we are hearing voices, but their voices come on the radio or the tv. And you know those voices - you hear it and you immediately cringe.
1. Grant Napear - so maybe most of you don't have your ears hurt from this guy. But those of us who listen to Sports 1140 have the displeasure of hearing his voice on a daily basis. His voice is nasally and annoying. But, even more obnoxious, he is whiny. Very whiny. And his command of the English language makes it sound like he dropped out after the 4th grade. He has that obnoxious New York attitude, which works for people in NY. But once you move to California, you need to lose it because it just comes across as being a moron who can't put together complete sentences. Seriously, I will pay for a course in English for him at the local JC. He clearly needs it. (Oh, and a bit more sports knowledge wouldn't hurt for a guy on a SPORTS TALK RADIO SHOW!)
2. Jack in the Box Taco Commercial Guy - You know, the guy is supposed to be high and asks for 99 tacos for 2 cents. Then the Jack head comes to life and tells him its 2 tacos for 99 cents and the guy says "Oh that is even more." First, are commercials with people getting high still funny? Really? I think those went out of style with Cheech and Chong, but maybe after the White Castle movie. (Speaking of White Castle, I need some White Castle burgers. Feel free to ship them, Mr. White Castle, since they are the best burgers in the world!) Second, dude is just obnoxious. He does a bad imitation of someone getting high. Really, if that is your best, you should stick to like local public access tv.
3. Flo from Progressive - I am sorry, but she isn't funny. She isn't even entertaining. Not even mildly entertaining. She is lame. She is ridiculous. She doesn't have any redeeming value. Heck, the freaking Caveman commercials were better and those are some of my least favorite commercials of all time. Really, Flo, stop being such a moron. I mean, I know insurance companies aren't run by the world's brightest folks (exhibit 1: AIG), but this is just ridiculous.
4. Butt Dialing Chick - "Oh look, it is your butt." No it is not. First, if you are talking to your husband, are you really going to call it his "butt?" Seriously, is tushy next? Are you going to ask him to say hi to his knee really fast? (Try it........right now........yes, say "hi" to your knee really fast.........its funny..........just look at your knee, wave, and say "Hi knee." Then do it faster. It is funny. Get it yet?) Second, people lock their freaking phones. I know there is purse dialing and sometimes people accidentally dial folks, but really, do you think this is funny? It is not. And you are annoying, Ms. Butt Dialing Chick. Your husband should pull a Jon, as in Jon and Kate plus 8. (Yes, he cheated on her, surprised?) No one else is.
5. Anyone in those ridiculous State Farm commercials - Your car is soaped, but not rinsed off? I mean, really, Punk'd has been off tv for a few years. Can we give these commercials a break? It is just not funny. It is ridiculous. And the folks in those ads are morons. It doesn't even come across as somewhat realistic. ARGH!
And, a bonus, although, thankfully, this guy isn't on tv or radio very often - yet.
Bonus: Steve Poizner. Poizner is our Insurance Commissioner in California. He issued a press release yesterday about how people should check to see if their health insurance covers the swine flu. Seriously? You think that a health insurance policy wouldn't cover swine flu? Or, since you are running for Governor in 2010, are you just looking for some publicity? I mean, lets call it what it is: a PR stunt. You want to keep your name in the press. At least admit it, Poizner. Sheesh. Is that asking too much? None of your potential replacements are running around with ridiculous press releases about swine flu.
(Memo to Dave Jones: there is a PR opportunity you missed, and it is not because you are too busy representing your constituents since you announced your candidacy for Insurance Commissioner before the final votes were counted for your assembly job.)
Who else is this obnoxious? Well, the mobile airbrush tanning dude, but only because he wants to come over and tan you. Outcalls only! I need to go shower now.
1. Grant Napear - so maybe most of you don't have your ears hurt from this guy. But those of us who listen to Sports 1140 have the displeasure of hearing his voice on a daily basis. His voice is nasally and annoying. But, even more obnoxious, he is whiny. Very whiny. And his command of the English language makes it sound like he dropped out after the 4th grade. He has that obnoxious New York attitude, which works for people in NY. But once you move to California, you need to lose it because it just comes across as being a moron who can't put together complete sentences. Seriously, I will pay for a course in English for him at the local JC. He clearly needs it. (Oh, and a bit more sports knowledge wouldn't hurt for a guy on a SPORTS TALK RADIO SHOW!)
2. Jack in the Box Taco Commercial Guy - You know, the guy is supposed to be high and asks for 99 tacos for 2 cents. Then the Jack head comes to life and tells him its 2 tacos for 99 cents and the guy says "Oh that is even more." First, are commercials with people getting high still funny? Really? I think those went out of style with Cheech and Chong, but maybe after the White Castle movie. (Speaking of White Castle, I need some White Castle burgers. Feel free to ship them, Mr. White Castle, since they are the best burgers in the world!) Second, dude is just obnoxious. He does a bad imitation of someone getting high. Really, if that is your best, you should stick to like local public access tv.
3. Flo from Progressive - I am sorry, but she isn't funny. She isn't even entertaining. Not even mildly entertaining. She is lame. She is ridiculous. She doesn't have any redeeming value. Heck, the freaking Caveman commercials were better and those are some of my least favorite commercials of all time. Really, Flo, stop being such a moron. I mean, I know insurance companies aren't run by the world's brightest folks (exhibit 1: AIG), but this is just ridiculous.
4. Butt Dialing Chick - "Oh look, it is your butt." No it is not. First, if you are talking to your husband, are you really going to call it his "butt?" Seriously, is tushy next? Are you going to ask him to say hi to his knee really fast? (Try it........right now........yes, say "hi" to your knee really fast.........its funny..........just look at your knee, wave, and say "Hi knee." Then do it faster. It is funny. Get it yet?) Second, people lock their freaking phones. I know there is purse dialing and sometimes people accidentally dial folks, but really, do you think this is funny? It is not. And you are annoying, Ms. Butt Dialing Chick. Your husband should pull a Jon, as in Jon and Kate plus 8. (Yes, he cheated on her, surprised?) No one else is.
5. Anyone in those ridiculous State Farm commercials - Your car is soaped, but not rinsed off? I mean, really, Punk'd has been off tv for a few years. Can we give these commercials a break? It is just not funny. It is ridiculous. And the folks in those ads are morons. It doesn't even come across as somewhat realistic. ARGH!
And, a bonus, although, thankfully, this guy isn't on tv or radio very often - yet.
Bonus: Steve Poizner. Poizner is our Insurance Commissioner in California. He issued a press release yesterday about how people should check to see if their health insurance covers the swine flu. Seriously? You think that a health insurance policy wouldn't cover swine flu? Or, since you are running for Governor in 2010, are you just looking for some publicity? I mean, lets call it what it is: a PR stunt. You want to keep your name in the press. At least admit it, Poizner. Sheesh. Is that asking too much? None of your potential replacements are running around with ridiculous press releases about swine flu.
(Memo to Dave Jones: there is a PR opportunity you missed, and it is not because you are too busy representing your constituents since you announced your candidacy for Insurance Commissioner before the final votes were counted for your assembly job.)
Who else is this obnoxious? Well, the mobile airbrush tanning dude, but only because he wants to come over and tan you. Outcalls only! I need to go shower now.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
ServicestoLawyers Part II
These folks are not that bright. No wait, that is being mean to people who are not that bright. These folks are dumb. No wait, that is not nice to people who are dumb. These people are moronic idiots who can't figure out 2 + 2 if you tell them the answer is 4. That's better.
When I say ambulance chaser, that would be above what this Jesse Levine does. He sends out spam to attorneys saying he has "pearl shucked" cases. From his most recent email to me:
THIS WILL BE A "BIG- ONE"
SERVICESTOLAWYERS CAN PROVIDE "PEARL-SHUCKED" LEADS TO BEGIN FILLING YOUR CASE PIPELINE IN JUST 3-5 DAYS
Now, ignore for a second that I have asked him repeatedly to stop emailing me. I have told him to remove me from his list. Let us ignore that for now.
First, what the hell is pearl shucked? Does that mean he takes the good ones and gives you the ones that were shucked and had crap in them? I don't get it. Seriously. In all of my years as an attorney and an insurance adjuster, I have never heard that expression. It doesn't mean anything. It is just his BS way of trying to sound cool. It doesn't make you cool Jesse Levine, it makes you a moron. A moron who clearly can't come up with anything that makes sense.
Second, this is sick. Just sick. The FDA has 23 reported cases. These folks are going to start a marketing campaign to try to get people to report something. Look, either there is a case or there isn't. You cannot manufacture cases. You cannot find something that doesn't exist. The folks who come forward now claiming that they have problems are looking for money. As an attorney, and a personal injury attorney, that makes me very sick.
Third, these folks are like Veruca in Willy Wonka. Veruca wanted the golden egg. Turned out she was a bad egg. This guy is always looking for the golden egg. You know where the golden egg is? It is somewhere near "I work my butt off" and "I do the right thing." It is nowhere near this guy trying to find cases. Break out a little class once in a while, Uncle Jesse. And trust me, you are so not cool enough to get the hot Rebecca. Maybe you get the drug induced Stephanie, but that is about it with your pearl shucking BS and your lame spam marketing.
Jesse - word to the wise: Stop spamming me. I am now looking for an attorney to sue this SOB. If you would like to sue him for me, please let me know. I really don't want the money. Just one less spammer in the world is a good thing. And yes, I am serious.
When I say ambulance chaser, that would be above what this Jesse Levine does. He sends out spam to attorneys saying he has "pearl shucked" cases. From his most recent email to me:
THIS WILL BE A "BIG- ONE"
SERVICESTOLAWYERS CAN PROVIDE "PEARL-SHUCKED" LEADS TO BEGIN FILLING YOUR CASE PIPELINE IN JUST 3-5 DAYS
Now, ignore for a second that I have asked him repeatedly to stop emailing me. I have told him to remove me from his list. Let us ignore that for now.
First, what the hell is pearl shucked? Does that mean he takes the good ones and gives you the ones that were shucked and had crap in them? I don't get it. Seriously. In all of my years as an attorney and an insurance adjuster, I have never heard that expression. It doesn't mean anything. It is just his BS way of trying to sound cool. It doesn't make you cool Jesse Levine, it makes you a moron. A moron who clearly can't come up with anything that makes sense.
Second, this is sick. Just sick. The FDA has 23 reported cases. These folks are going to start a marketing campaign to try to get people to report something. Look, either there is a case or there isn't. You cannot manufacture cases. You cannot find something that doesn't exist. The folks who come forward now claiming that they have problems are looking for money. As an attorney, and a personal injury attorney, that makes me very sick.
Third, these folks are like Veruca in Willy Wonka. Veruca wanted the golden egg. Turned out she was a bad egg. This guy is always looking for the golden egg. You know where the golden egg is? It is somewhere near "I work my butt off" and "I do the right thing." It is nowhere near this guy trying to find cases. Break out a little class once in a while, Uncle Jesse. And trust me, you are so not cool enough to get the hot Rebecca. Maybe you get the drug induced Stephanie, but that is about it with your pearl shucking BS and your lame spam marketing.
Jesse - word to the wise: Stop spamming me. I am now looking for an attorney to sue this SOB. If you would like to sue him for me, please let me know. I really don't want the money. Just one less spammer in the world is a good thing. And yes, I am serious.
Random Thoughts on a Sunday Afternoon
So I thought I would share a few observations from my weekend around town.
1. There was a car driving around with one of those ads. This company is called Color Me ******. The concept: mobile airbrush tanning. Okay, could someone please explain this to me? I get the mobile part - dude drives to you. Yes, it was a dude. As far as I can tell, only two types of people who have a guy come over and airbrush tan them. The first group is the Toddlers and Tiaras group. Yes, those crazy folks would have someone come over and airbrush their daughters. The second group is the type of person who thinks an airbrush tan looks good. Look, if you think you need a tan, then get a tan. Either sit out in the sun or go to a tanning salon. But, an airbrush tan? How about just painting your skin with a little Sherwin Williams? Maybe break out some of the Home Depot special brown that is on sale. But, airbrush tanning? And you are going to invite a GUY into your house to do it? Sorry. That sounds a bit pervy!
2. If you want to get a sex change, please do it right. Please? Pretty please? I was driving to my local national coffee franchise. There was a guy, no wait, a girl, no a guy, dang it, I don't know what it was, walking in front of me. This person was balding on top and had a mullett. Shim was in tight pants and a tight shirt. I would have told you at this point that shim was a guy. But, then shim had a rack. A big rack. I am guessing, and its only a guess, that it was at least a D, if not a DD. And he/she was walking around with his/her kids. Now, I get that some people are sexually confused or think they do not know if they are meant to be a man or a woman. Not my thing, but I get it. But this was ridiculous. Heshe looked like a guy who had lost a bet and had implants. It was noticeably bad and could have been fixed with two easy things: a bit of makeup and a wig. That would have made it a thousand times less noticeable. Please?
3. If you are over 40, white and out of shape, do not call your Caucasian coworker "sista." It doesn't work for you, even if you work at some hip store. She is not your sister, and she is an over 40 white chick. She is Sue or Suzie or Susanne or something like that. She is clearly not sista! Stop it. You look like a fool, but not as big a fool as shim!
1. There was a car driving around with one of those ads. This company is called Color Me ******. The concept: mobile airbrush tanning. Okay, could someone please explain this to me? I get the mobile part - dude drives to you. Yes, it was a dude. As far as I can tell, only two types of people who have a guy come over and airbrush tan them. The first group is the Toddlers and Tiaras group. Yes, those crazy folks would have someone come over and airbrush their daughters. The second group is the type of person who thinks an airbrush tan looks good. Look, if you think you need a tan, then get a tan. Either sit out in the sun or go to a tanning salon. But, an airbrush tan? How about just painting your skin with a little Sherwin Williams? Maybe break out some of the Home Depot special brown that is on sale. But, airbrush tanning? And you are going to invite a GUY into your house to do it? Sorry. That sounds a bit pervy!
2. If you want to get a sex change, please do it right. Please? Pretty please? I was driving to my local national coffee franchise. There was a guy, no wait, a girl, no a guy, dang it, I don't know what it was, walking in front of me. This person was balding on top and had a mullett. Shim was in tight pants and a tight shirt. I would have told you at this point that shim was a guy. But, then shim had a rack. A big rack. I am guessing, and its only a guess, that it was at least a D, if not a DD. And he/she was walking around with his/her kids. Now, I get that some people are sexually confused or think they do not know if they are meant to be a man or a woman. Not my thing, but I get it. But this was ridiculous. Heshe looked like a guy who had lost a bet and had implants. It was noticeably bad and could have been fixed with two easy things: a bit of makeup and a wig. That would have made it a thousand times less noticeable. Please?
3. If you are over 40, white and out of shape, do not call your Caucasian coworker "sista." It doesn't work for you, even if you work at some hip store. She is not your sister, and she is an over 40 white chick. She is Sue or Suzie or Susanne or something like that. She is clearly not sista! Stop it. You look like a fool, but not as big a fool as shim!
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