Random Thoughts on a Sunday Afternoon

So I thought I would share a few observations from my weekend around town.

1. There was a car driving around with one of those ads. This company is called Color Me ******. The concept: mobile airbrush tanning. Okay, could someone please explain this to me? I get the mobile part - dude drives to you. Yes, it was a dude. As far as I can tell, only two types of people who have a guy come over and airbrush tan them. The first group is the Toddlers and Tiaras group. Yes, those crazy folks would have someone come over and airbrush their daughters. The second group is the type of person who thinks an airbrush tan looks good. Look, if you think you need a tan, then get a tan. Either sit out in the sun or go to a tanning salon. But, an airbrush tan? How about just painting your skin with a little Sherwin Williams? Maybe break out some of the Home Depot special brown that is on sale. But, airbrush tanning? And you are going to invite a GUY into your house to do it? Sorry. That sounds a bit pervy!

2. If you want to get a sex change, please do it right. Please? Pretty please? I was driving to my local national coffee franchise. There was a guy, no wait, a girl, no a guy, dang it, I don't know what it was, walking in front of me. This person was balding on top and had a mullett. Shim was in tight pants and a tight shirt. I would have told you at this point that shim was a guy. But, then shim had a rack. A big rack. I am guessing, and its only a guess, that it was at least a D, if not a DD. And he/she was walking around with his/her kids. Now, I get that some people are sexually confused or think they do not know if they are meant to be a man or a woman. Not my thing, but I get it. But this was ridiculous. Heshe looked like a guy who had lost a bet and had implants. It was noticeably bad and could have been fixed with two easy things: a bit of makeup and a wig. That would have made it a thousand times less noticeable. Please?

3. If you are over 40, white and out of shape, do not call your Caucasian coworker "sista." It doesn't work for you, even if you work at some hip store. She is not your sister, and she is an over 40 white chick. She is Sue or Suzie or Susanne or something like that. She is clearly not sista! Stop it. You look like a fool, but not as big a fool as shim!

My Parenting Skills

Memo to the Dou**ebag going in to the tanning salon tonight:

First, you are a guy and you are tanning? Really? You think it helps. Your guy hanging out over your belt is really what sticks out. The fact that you are soft and pudgy is what the women see. You can have a tan like Ricardo Montalban and it won't help you get a date. Lose some weight. Go on a diet. Try the gym.

Second, you really want to question my parenting skills? Let's leave out for a fact that it is none of your damn business what I am saying to my kid. You have no idea who I am. You do not know who my son is. You should not stop and stare. If you don't like how I am parenting my kid, go home to your sad, pathetic kid free life and bitch and moan to your roll playing friends. I am sure the Dungeonmaster is waiting to hear from you and you can tell him all about how I am such a nightmare parent.

And stopping and looking at a parent and their kid is creepy. Normal people don't do it. People with social skills don't do it. I would normally blame Asperger's, but you clearly did not have Asperger's. You had As*ho**rs. That is a newer disease defined as "suffering from being an a**h***." That is what you are.

When you decide to stop and stare, and you are asked to move on, just do it. Do not stay there. Do not start questioning me. My voice was not that loud. My kid was not crying. And my hands were next to me. There is not one single reason you needed to worry, you wanna-be George Michael. And don't ask if he is my kid. He wasn't screaming or yelling "You are not my daddy." You had absolutely no reason to think anything other than your self inflicted disease. Just because I have no hair and he is adorably cute and has curly hair does not mean he is not my kid, you insensitive bastard.

Finally, the next time someone tells you its not your problem and you should go in to your girly tanning salon, I would suggest you go in and get your spray on tan. You probably cry when you see a UFC fight. Did you ever notice that it is all girls going in to the tanning salon and you? There is a reason for that - MEN DO NOT TAN!

So get on with your pathetic life and do not worry about me. You are a worthless, no good role playing loser who should never have kids. Castration for you would really not be a strong enough punishment for your behavior.