Why does anyone like San Francisco?

So, today I was in San Francisco. My friends at Avvo (need an attorney, go to www.avvo.com to find an attorney) invited me as part of the Avvo World Tour 2009. This was the West Coast swing. And I only got invited to part of it - the San Francisco stop. Somehow they keep going to San Francisco and skipping Sacramento. What, is the state capital not good enough for you? Does having the Governator here not work for you? Is Lake Tahoe too close? Oh wait, I know, the smart folks at Avvo didn't want to be dumbed down by the morons at the Capitol who can't seem to figure out how to add and subtract to pass a budget. But that is a whole different rant.

So, I end up in San Francisco, which shall now be called SF because its shorter for me to type. I always hear people say how great SF is. Um, why? No, seriously, why? I get the appeal of New York (my favorite city in the world and the home of the Cosmos in the 1970s and early 1980s). I see why America's Finest City, San Diego, is attractive. I even get New Orleans. But, San Francisco? Here are some observations:

1. The public toilet. WTF? I mean, really, it is a public toilet. Outside. You pay to use it. Anyone want to guess who uses it in SF? No, not me. The homeless dude. He collects his money and then pays the $1 or so to use it. And he sits in there. And showers. Well, washes up. And pees all over the place. And then you want me to pay to go in there? I would rather buy an overpriced burger to use a restaurant bathroom - and then not eat the burger. In fact, if I had to choose between the public toilet or dropping trou in the middle of Pier 39, its not even close - I drop trou. If you offered me $1,000 to use the public restroom or I had to drop trou in the middle of Candlestick Park, I still drop trou. Hey fine folks in SF, try taking out the toilets and spend a few more dollars on shelters.

2. The streets. Ever been to a well designed big city? Ever notice anything about the layout? It is a grid. A nice grid. Sometimes the lettered streets go one way and the numbers another way. Sometimes the "Street" and "Avenue" designation indicate which way streets go. But, usually, there is an easy layout. I can walk from Central Park to Times Square without an issue. But, the geniuses who laid out San Francisco decided that no layout would be better. They apparently think that curving streets and intersections where three streets connect are good ideas. They don't mind if you are driving down Embarcadero and you can make a sharp right turn onto "Holy Crap this street is steep Way" or a less sharp right turn onto "Dang, another homeless dude sitting in the Road." Do you ever wonder why tourists don't drive in SF? It is solely because you can't find your way without a map and Bear Grylls.

3. The economy. The economy of SF seems to tick when tourists are separated from their money by buying shlock. This is a shlockonomy. And it is the same garbage from street to street. Walk from Ghirardelli Square to Pier 39. You seem $10 "Ray Ban" sunglasses. No wait, I am sorry, these are "Rae Bun" sunglasses. You see "Cucci" purses next to "Booney and Dork." You see t-shirts that are so thin they look like Right Said Fred was wearing them. Then you get the 2 sweatshirts for $30 or 3 for $25. (No, that is not a typo.) You see cameras from Nylon and Cannonball. And people buy this stuff like you can't find it anywhere else. Well, some of it you can't find anywhere else because it has lead based paint in it. And some of it looks like it was made with child labor from Oakland. Hell, the gangs have to do something to earn money besides shoot each other. It is amazing that the economy does not completely falter over there!

4. The prices. Okay, so parking at Pier 39 cost me $21. Then parking at the hotel was another $45. Lunch was over $50 for two adults and one 5 year old. Really? Lunch is that expensive to sit outside and watch bush man (get your head out of the gutter, he is bush man, not ............ nevermind) while eating a sandwich or two? And parking at $15 per hour? For space. For space where my car could be crushed at anytime from an earthquake. You should pay me for bringing my car into your city. You should thank me for wanting to come and make sure I can park so I can buy more of your shlock to bring home! Sheesh.

5. The people. First, a toothbrush goes a long way. A mint? Gum? Anything? Please. Do I need to bring my own bottle of scope when I go? Second, I am not related to Ben Stein. I don't look like Ben Stein. I don't talk like Ben Stein. I don't even know Ben Stein. I didn't win any of his money. He didn't give me any money. He wouldn't even take my phone calls when I tried! That restraining order ended, Ben, and I can call again. (Its a joke, people, laugh! The restraining order didn't cover phone calls, just visits to his house!) I don't really care to be compared to Ben Stein. If you listen to me for all over 30 seconds, you will quickly figure out I didn't go to Harvard, don't use words with more than two syllables and have no interest in acting! Please, stop. It only happens in San Francisco. At least the scope needing dude wasn't also the Ben Stein questioner!

But, other than that, the time was fun. I did meet a nice woman, who saved me from scope dude. Thanks Collete. Sorry he needed gum. I will make sure that I bring some next time. It's not like there weren't enough mints on the tables. Sheesh! And Mark and Conrad were very nice, even if Conrad did annoy my wife in the first 30 seconds and she is making me sleep on the couch - outside! Maybe next time they will invite me up to Seattle and I can see the fish throwing before PETA gets that banned. Or, maybe, just maybe, they will come to the capital of the 7th largest economy in the WORLD and stop snubbing Sac-of-potato!