Holy Crunch Batman - A Crunchberry isn't real

I am so worked up. I don't know what to do. I was going to sit down and eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch Crunchberry cereal. After all, Seinfeld isn't the only one with a cereal fetish. No wait, he is. I just like cereal. But, just as I was opening my box, I found out that Crunchberries aren't real. What's next? If the Cap'n can lie about this, can it be long before I find out that Willy Wonka lied about Snozberries? Are Snozberries not snozilicous?

You think I am joking. But, it took a federal lawsuit for me to learn this. (Read about it at a real blog here: http://www.loweringthebar.net/2009/06/reasonable-consumer-would-know-crunchberries-are-not-real-judge-rules.html) And, apparently, it took a federal lawsuit for attorney Hal Hewell to learn this as well, and for his client Janine Sugawara. I wonder how much Janine paid Hal to learn this. After all, on Hal's website he says "Most cases will require a minimum retainer at the outset." What is the minimum retainer to figure out that Crunchberries aren't real? Is that like $4.99 for a box of the freaking cereal? Or is it like $804.99 because it takes Hal four hours to buy the box to see that it says "sweetened corn & oat cereal?"

I don't know what the air is like where Hal practices. No wait, I do. It is nice and clear and about 70 degrees with low humidity. Maybe the salt water has gotten to him. But, dude apparently actually thought that Crunchberries were real. How do I know this? Because as an attorney, we agree not to bring frivolous lawsuits without some basis in fact. Hal must have though that there was some factual basis for believing that Crunchberries existed.

What is next on the Hal Hit List? Is Hal going to sue RIM because people think they can send email from an imaginary fruit? (Apologies to Mike F. who sent me that line. It as funnier when he said it.) Maybe Hal is going to sue Chevys because there are no fresh Mexicans in their food and they call it "Fresh Mex?" Should Hal go after A&W - after all there is no freaking beer in their root beer? Do you know how many root beers I had to drink and not get a buzz before I figured that out? How disappointing is that? Here I am trying to get a buzz and I can't because there is no alcohol in it! Maybe Hal should sue the NBA, NFL and MLB for having the "world champions" when they only crown a champion for the US or, at best, North America?

I mean, of all of the problems with Cap'n Crunch, he picked the Crunchberry? How about the fact that the freaking thing rips up your mouth when you eat it? How about that there is no Crunch, its just "CRACK CRACK CRACK" as your teeth break? It is good cereal - if you don't mind the taste of blood while you read the morning paper. How about the fact that Cap'n isn't even a word? And don't call him Captain or his posse will come and whoop you. Dude is not a Captain. Maybe if he were, Hal would sue the US Navy for naming someone a cptain who doesn't exist. Who the heck is this Cap'n Crunch guy and why does he get to tell me what to eat? Shouldn't we take them down for that? How about the fact that they welcome me to Crunch Island and no place exists? I know - I checked a map or two. I may have even looked on a globe. And it wasn't there. Why not?

Why Cap'n, for all that is good in the world, why? Why do you lie to us? Why do you sell us Crunchberries when they don't exist? Why won't you spell your name right? Why isn't Crunch Island a place? There is Easter Island, Christmas Island and even an island called Tarawa. But you lie to us. And you like it with that smirky little smile and that voice that sounds like nails down a chalkboard.

Trust me, if there was a place like Crunch Island, I would tell big ole Hal to go there and never, ever, ever come back. Ever.