(Warning: I do use a few adult terms in this, but primarily those are breastfeeding and suckle!)
(Warning 2: I am not anti-breastfeeding and not making fun of breastfeeding!)
As you know, we are expecting. And when I say we, I mean she. I guess I am expecting. I am expecting her to go into labor. I am expecting a baby to come out. I am expecting 2 hands, 2 feet, 10 fingers and 10 toes. Actually, 8 fingers and 2 thumbs. I am expecting to pass out in the delivery room. I am expecting that I will be made fun of when I do. I am expecting that everyone reading this will send me emails making fun of me for admitting that I expect to pass out.
She is expecting a baby. She is expecting it to come out like her and not like me. It better. She is expecting to breastfeed.......and that is where it gets odd.
So, the hospital sent home a welcome packet. Basically, it tells us everything we might ever want to know about being pregnant. Thankfully they've got my back since none of my friends have stepped up. Included is "A Letter to New Dads." This has some great information. For example, I just found out that I was clearly not breastfed since I have allergies. Of course, I don't have asthma or childhood obesity, so maybe I was breastfed. Okay, if you know my mom, clearly I was not breastfed.
I also learned that breastfed children have a higher IQ, better eyesight and that all important straighter teeth. I wonder if the American Association of Orthodontists (and yes, I pulled that out without having to look it up - BOOYA!) is anti-breastfeeding. After all, its members make money off of crooked teeth. I bet the eye doctors are against breastfeeding as well. They like selling glasses, contacts and Lasik. (I know a good Lasik clinic, if you are looking for it. And now they guarantee 20-20 eyesight or your money back. Of course, the website needs some updating, but I tried to ask Jamie and she wouldnt respond to me! Their marketing guy can call me and I will give a free consultation on some marketing tips!)
Anyway, I now have 6 things I am supposed to do to help my baby's mother breastfeed longer. (Isn't that called my wife? Do we really want to start calling them baby mama's on literature? Aren't we better off if we say "dad, you can help your wife breastfeed longer?" Just wondering.)
1. Go to breastfeeding classes. Now, I don't know about the women reading this, but I am suspecting they would be uncomfortable with some strange dude showing up to watch them have a baby suckle on their breasts. I don't want some other dude watching my wife's breasts get sucked on. But maybe that's just me.
2. Help her share her plans with hospital staff. Um, do they really care what I think? And what exactly am I supposed to say? "Hey, doc, my wife wants the baby to suckle." Really, isn't that a conversation for her to have? I don't want her going to my doctor and saying "Look, he wants a little snip snip done."
3. Tell her I am proud of her. Huh? "Honey, I am so proud of you for breastfeeding." "Go Honey, go honey, go, go, go honey." "It's your birthday, baby is suckling." "Suck, suck, suck...." Seriously, I think any of these would get me slapped - hard.
4. Call a lactation consultant. "Hi, Lactation Consultant, my name is Juan and my wife needs help having the baby suck on her breasts." Part of me thinks this makes me a failure. Apparently, she hasn't had enough experience to be able to do it. And that is all on me. I failed! My man card should be turned in!
5. Encourage her not to offer pacifiers, bottles or formula. I don't know what it will be like post pregnancy, but I am not encouraging her to do anything that she doesn't want to do right now. What are they, crazy? Sheesh!
6. Protect mom from unhelpful comments. "For example, if someone says 'Are you still breastfeeding?' say 'Yes, isn't she great! It's important to breastfeed for at least one year." First, who really talks that way? Second, is someone going to ask my wife this question in front of me? Heck, is someone going to ask it at all. Really? Because I may look at them and ask "Are you still breathing?" That may be the dumbest thing I have heard. But I am so not going to say "Isn't she great?!" Is this freaking sesame street?
Think that is bad? There is more! More special ways dad can help mom:
1. Bring baby to mom for night feedings. Sure, is that moving the baby from the bassinet to the bed? Really, is that going to be helpful moving the baby like 4 feet?
2. Bring her food while she is breastfeeding. "Um, honey, want a turkey and cheese with a cup of milk, fries and cake for dessert. Oh, you have child with you. Should I not feed you while you have another human being sucking on you? But the hospital told me to!"
3. Encourage her to rest. Duh! Does a new mom really need that encouragement? Should I also encourage her to breathe?
4. Do chores. Was this written in the 1950s? Do men not do chores anyway? Thanks, I will pass that on to Ozzie and Harriet.
But, in honor of Billy Mays, that's not all. Remember 10 out of 10 doctors recommend breastfeeding for at least the first year of life. It was actually 10 out of 11, but then the 11th got fired!
Of course, I shouldn't be left out. I can still bond with my baby by:
1. Spending time with baby on my bare chest. Dude, that baby starts sucking on me and we will have issues! But my bare chest? Does this mean I have to shave it too? Or is hairy good enough? (Not that mine is, just wondering for those hairy guys out there!)
2. Give baby a bath. Aw, I can clean the little child after the baby eats and poops. WOO HOO!
3. Cuddle for a nap. Just don't roll over the baby and crush it or suffocate it. How about if baby naps in the crib and I don't have to worry about whacking my own baby?
I do appreciate these tips. Or, I could feed my baby a bottle once in a while and help out like I did. Its not my like my other kids didn't come out okay. Well, the one who is like me we have to watch out for, but the others are fine, I think. Maybe.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
SB 94 and AB 764
So our friends at the Capitol are at it again. Now, they clearly don't have enough to do. I mean, it looks like they are sitting around doing nothing and trying to save everyone. After all, we don't have a $24 Billion budget deficit. Yes, that is Billion with a B. How big of a deficit is this? This deficit is as big as the GDP of Trinidad and Tobago. Okay, if you don't get GDP, go ask your friendly neighborhood economist or that outstanding econ professor at CSU Sacramento, Prof. Lang.
What would you do if you had a $24,000,000,000 deficit? I would go about fixing it. But not these people. We are on the verge of paying vendors with IOUs and they are still doing other things. What great things are they doing? Trying to screw consumers AND put a whole bunch of good attorneys out of business.
Lets start with this concept: if you can't keep your own house in order, don't tell me how to run mine. Seriously, it is easy to sit around as a legislator and tell people who to run their businesses. But you can't even take care of your own business. I think the expression these days is "handle your business." I know, it is your business to protect people. That comes somewhere after PASSING A BALANCED BUDGET.
Now for those in the Assembly and Senate reading this, and I know you do because you freaking follow me on Twitter, let me give you a remedial math lesson. You cannot spend more than you take in. Simple. Income minus expenses cannot be a negative number. If it is, you are broke. If it continues, you file for bankruptcy. If it still continues, you end up being California.
You want to know why people spend more than they make? Because they look at their leaders who clearly think it is an acceptable thing to do. Oh, and don't sit there Mr. Conservative and blame the liberals, you won't freaking raise taxes. And don't blame the conservatives, Mr. Liberal who was giving away the farm doing the good times. Really, do you think that giving cost of living increases and step increases for pay can go on indefinitely?
Seriously, these folks are giving money away left and right. Now, I understand that some state workers are getting furloughed 3 days per week. That is a 15% pay cut. Where is your 15% pay cut, Dave "I want to be insurance commissioner" Jones. (For google purposes, DAVE JONES!") Darrell "I can't do math" Steinberg, I don't see you taking a 15% pay cut. But you want the working folks to take one. No, not want, force it on them. And Karen Bass, you aren't any better. Steinberg and Bass should resign now for their utter lack of leadership ability. You should have resigned before.
But, let me get back on track. While these yahoo's are screwing around over a state budget, a few of their colleagues decided they should try to regulate attorneys who help people get loan modifications. Their bills would ban an attorney from collecting any money up front. Yes, that's right. We would have to get paid AFTER we get the client a result. Fine. But, what client's do they think are going to pay AFTER getting what they want? Let's be honest. The mechanic doesn't give you the car back before you pay to make sure you are happy with the work. The home builder doesn't fix every problem before having the money. The legislator doesn't balance the budget before getting paid. No, these folks all get paid up front.
But let's play along. Now as an attorney I cannot get paid for the work I do up front. I can't even put the money in my trust account. I have to trust my client to pay me on the back end. Would some of my clients do this? Yep. Would most of my clients do this? Probably. Would all of my clients do this? Nope.
Imagine if you go to work every day and your boss decides to pay you 75% of the time. Would you go back to work? No. Of course not. Who would do work when there is no guarantee of payment? Very few people.
So, what happens in this scenario? The attorneys who are doing the work stop doing it. What's the problem with that? Well, according to the folks at the Capitol and the consumer groups, nothing. After all, the banks are doing a fine job giving people loan modifications. And the attorneys are all ripping people off. We have to stop the attorneys.
A little perspective: the State Bar has about 850 to 900 complaints about attorneys handling loan modifications. They have 100 attorneys under investigation. There are 200,000 or so attorneys in the State. Um, I am not that good at math, but that is, .05%. You are passing a law to stop less than 1% of the attorneys in the state who are scumbags.
Now, the banks? Nope, they can pay their attorneys anything they want. And the bank lawyers? They can charge anything they want and get paid up front. You see, we have to stop the attorneys who are representing consumers. We have to stop the small guys. Are there bad attorneys? Yep. I heard of a guy who has made millions since the beginning of this year alone and done no work.
Seriously, the legislators and the consumer groups think that the banks are doing a fine job as are the non profits. Have you talked to someone who has called a non profit? Ask them how much help they are getting. NONE! Are the banks offering loan modifications? Sometimes. Of course, Wells Fargo turned down a client because it wasn't in WELLS FARGO's best interest. Countrywide declined a short sale because they were missing 1 page for 1 offer and there were 6 other offers. Did they notify anyone that the page was missing? Nope. Just denied it.
Heck, GMAC has all but admitted that they will take attorney cases and move them to the front of the line. Yes, those folks go first. But now there won't be any of those folks. So, what is going to happen? Anyone? Bueller? After all, if the banks did the right thing in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess, would we?
Sure, consumers are to blame. They wanted to keep up with the Jones'. That isn't good. But mortgage brokers were putting people in mortgages that they knew couldn't be afforded. And real estate agents were selling people homes that they knew were outside of their price range. And banks were writing garbage no doc loans and accepting that people who were high school dropouts were making $150,000 per year as a street sweeper. But we are now supposed to believe that these same banks are trustworthy and are going to do the right thing?
I guess our legislators are either dumb, paid off or blind. I don't care which but if any of them has the cajones to debate me on the issue, I am game. You morons can't balance a budget but you want to tell me how to run my business? Really? Should I run my business the way you run the state? Should I run a deficit? Are you going to bail me out since you are now telling me who I can and cannot charge?
But it gets worse for me. The State Bar agreed with this idea. They had a board of governors meeting. The President, of course, was on vacation and couldn't fly back for the meeting. She couldn't even attend by phone? Webex? Video conference? Freaking pick up the phone and call and be put on speaker phone? Apparently that is too complex for her. So, President-elect Howard Miller ran this meeting and pushed this idea through. Miller claims to be a plaintiff's lawyer or a consumer attorney. I guess if you consider a millionaire a consumer attorney then he may be. But he just said to every other consumer attorney "I think you guys should sit and spin."
He just agreed to let the legislature tell us how to run our business and how to charge our clients. What's next? Maybe a personal injury attorney can only charge 10%? Maybe a criminal defense attorney can only charge his client if the client avoids jail? Maybe the medical malpractice attorney shouldn't be able to charge a fee since someone in the legislature must think doctors do good things. Maybe if Miller is so happy with the way the legislature wants to regulate business, he will let them come in and tell him what he can charge and how much. No? He doesn't want that? Then here is an idea: don't support them telling me how to run my business, numskull.
We have the perfect storm. The State Bar has now decided that the legislature should tell attorneys how to charge. The legislature gets to deflect attention away from their complete and utter failure and lack of ability to do their jobs and claim they are out protecting people. And the banks get to continue making their millions of dollars by screwing consumers. And somehow the consumer groups think this is good. Do we really wonder why our state is falling apart when we have a system where I was told by a legislative staffer "that may be the truth but that won't sell in the Capitol?" When these bills pass, the government of California will have failed to protect consumers once more while continuing to cover up their incompetence.
By the way, to those of you reading this at the Capitol, the offer still stands: a public debate of these bills. Yes, that goes for you Nava, Calderon, and Corbett, as well as you Jones, Steinberg and Bass. Oh, and you alleged consumer groups, that goes for you as well. Anytime, anyplace, anywhere.
What would you do if you had a $24,000,000,000 deficit? I would go about fixing it. But not these people. We are on the verge of paying vendors with IOUs and they are still doing other things. What great things are they doing? Trying to screw consumers AND put a whole bunch of good attorneys out of business.
Lets start with this concept: if you can't keep your own house in order, don't tell me how to run mine. Seriously, it is easy to sit around as a legislator and tell people who to run their businesses. But you can't even take care of your own business. I think the expression these days is "handle your business." I know, it is your business to protect people. That comes somewhere after PASSING A BALANCED BUDGET.
Now for those in the Assembly and Senate reading this, and I know you do because you freaking follow me on Twitter, let me give you a remedial math lesson. You cannot spend more than you take in. Simple. Income minus expenses cannot be a negative number. If it is, you are broke. If it continues, you file for bankruptcy. If it still continues, you end up being California.
You want to know why people spend more than they make? Because they look at their leaders who clearly think it is an acceptable thing to do. Oh, and don't sit there Mr. Conservative and blame the liberals, you won't freaking raise taxes. And don't blame the conservatives, Mr. Liberal who was giving away the farm doing the good times. Really, do you think that giving cost of living increases and step increases for pay can go on indefinitely?
Seriously, these folks are giving money away left and right. Now, I understand that some state workers are getting furloughed 3 days per week. That is a 15% pay cut. Where is your 15% pay cut, Dave "I want to be insurance commissioner" Jones. (For google purposes, DAVE JONES!") Darrell "I can't do math" Steinberg, I don't see you taking a 15% pay cut. But you want the working folks to take one. No, not want, force it on them. And Karen Bass, you aren't any better. Steinberg and Bass should resign now for their utter lack of leadership ability. You should have resigned before.
But, let me get back on track. While these yahoo's are screwing around over a state budget, a few of their colleagues decided they should try to regulate attorneys who help people get loan modifications. Their bills would ban an attorney from collecting any money up front. Yes, that's right. We would have to get paid AFTER we get the client a result. Fine. But, what client's do they think are going to pay AFTER getting what they want? Let's be honest. The mechanic doesn't give you the car back before you pay to make sure you are happy with the work. The home builder doesn't fix every problem before having the money. The legislator doesn't balance the budget before getting paid. No, these folks all get paid up front.
But let's play along. Now as an attorney I cannot get paid for the work I do up front. I can't even put the money in my trust account. I have to trust my client to pay me on the back end. Would some of my clients do this? Yep. Would most of my clients do this? Probably. Would all of my clients do this? Nope.
Imagine if you go to work every day and your boss decides to pay you 75% of the time. Would you go back to work? No. Of course not. Who would do work when there is no guarantee of payment? Very few people.
So, what happens in this scenario? The attorneys who are doing the work stop doing it. What's the problem with that? Well, according to the folks at the Capitol and the consumer groups, nothing. After all, the banks are doing a fine job giving people loan modifications. And the attorneys are all ripping people off. We have to stop the attorneys.
A little perspective: the State Bar has about 850 to 900 complaints about attorneys handling loan modifications. They have 100 attorneys under investigation. There are 200,000 or so attorneys in the State. Um, I am not that good at math, but that is, .05%. You are passing a law to stop less than 1% of the attorneys in the state who are scumbags.
Now, the banks? Nope, they can pay their attorneys anything they want. And the bank lawyers? They can charge anything they want and get paid up front. You see, we have to stop the attorneys who are representing consumers. We have to stop the small guys. Are there bad attorneys? Yep. I heard of a guy who has made millions since the beginning of this year alone and done no work.
Seriously, the legislators and the consumer groups think that the banks are doing a fine job as are the non profits. Have you talked to someone who has called a non profit? Ask them how much help they are getting. NONE! Are the banks offering loan modifications? Sometimes. Of course, Wells Fargo turned down a client because it wasn't in WELLS FARGO's best interest. Countrywide declined a short sale because they were missing 1 page for 1 offer and there were 6 other offers. Did they notify anyone that the page was missing? Nope. Just denied it.
Heck, GMAC has all but admitted that they will take attorney cases and move them to the front of the line. Yes, those folks go first. But now there won't be any of those folks. So, what is going to happen? Anyone? Bueller? After all, if the banks did the right thing in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess, would we?
Sure, consumers are to blame. They wanted to keep up with the Jones'. That isn't good. But mortgage brokers were putting people in mortgages that they knew couldn't be afforded. And real estate agents were selling people homes that they knew were outside of their price range. And banks were writing garbage no doc loans and accepting that people who were high school dropouts were making $150,000 per year as a street sweeper. But we are now supposed to believe that these same banks are trustworthy and are going to do the right thing?
I guess our legislators are either dumb, paid off or blind. I don't care which but if any of them has the cajones to debate me on the issue, I am game. You morons can't balance a budget but you want to tell me how to run my business? Really? Should I run my business the way you run the state? Should I run a deficit? Are you going to bail me out since you are now telling me who I can and cannot charge?
But it gets worse for me. The State Bar agreed with this idea. They had a board of governors meeting. The President, of course, was on vacation and couldn't fly back for the meeting. She couldn't even attend by phone? Webex? Video conference? Freaking pick up the phone and call and be put on speaker phone? Apparently that is too complex for her. So, President-elect Howard Miller ran this meeting and pushed this idea through. Miller claims to be a plaintiff's lawyer or a consumer attorney. I guess if you consider a millionaire a consumer attorney then he may be. But he just said to every other consumer attorney "I think you guys should sit and spin."
He just agreed to let the legislature tell us how to run our business and how to charge our clients. What's next? Maybe a personal injury attorney can only charge 10%? Maybe a criminal defense attorney can only charge his client if the client avoids jail? Maybe the medical malpractice attorney shouldn't be able to charge a fee since someone in the legislature must think doctors do good things. Maybe if Miller is so happy with the way the legislature wants to regulate business, he will let them come in and tell him what he can charge and how much. No? He doesn't want that? Then here is an idea: don't support them telling me how to run my business, numskull.
We have the perfect storm. The State Bar has now decided that the legislature should tell attorneys how to charge. The legislature gets to deflect attention away from their complete and utter failure and lack of ability to do their jobs and claim they are out protecting people. And the banks get to continue making their millions of dollars by screwing consumers. And somehow the consumer groups think this is good. Do we really wonder why our state is falling apart when we have a system where I was told by a legislative staffer "that may be the truth but that won't sell in the Capitol?" When these bills pass, the government of California will have failed to protect consumers once more while continuing to cover up their incompetence.
By the way, to those of you reading this at the Capitol, the offer still stands: a public debate of these bills. Yes, that goes for you Nava, Calderon, and Corbett, as well as you Jones, Steinberg and Bass. Oh, and you alleged consumer groups, that goes for you as well. Anytime, anyplace, anywhere.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Wacky Whale Wars
Ever watch the show Whale Wars? Its on Animal Planet. That means that a good airing has like 200 viewers. I am pretty sure that they consider it a success if they have more viewers than watch the test pattern. Although, the test pattern is more interesting that some of their shows. Seriously. Groomer has it? I think would watch the test pattern - in black and white!
But this Whale Wars is interesting. Are they terrorists or activists? The Sea Shepherd Conservation Society is filmed as they try to either save whales or attack Japanese fishermen. It is a wacky crew:
Captain Paul Watson - dude was kicked out of Greenpeace in the 70s after helping found it. He says he is Canadian but doesn't drop an "eh" ever. But this guy was too radical for Greenpeace. That is why PETA kicking you out because you threw too much paint on a fur coat. He seems to be pretty good at navigating a boat, but sucks at management.
1st Mate Peter Brown - I to the N to the C to the O to the M to the P to the E to the T to the E to the N to the T. Yes, I called him incompetent. He doesn't know how to get the boat to change directions. He doesn't know port from starboard. I get sea sick and I think I know more about boats then this dude. He seems to have dropped too much acid in the 60s. He dropped too much something - maybe he was dropped on his head too much. Listen to him talk. It is seriously like listening to a 2 year old try to form a sentene.
2nd Mate Peter Hamerstadt - dude claims his nickname is "The Hammer." The hammer? Okay, if you want a nickname like that, you need to be able to grow a goatee. A full one. None of this mustache and some hair on your chinny, chin, chin. And my left leg weighs more than his entire scrawny body. Dude really should be called "The Nail." I'm sorry but he is about as intimidating as a wet noodle and a guy who calls himself "The Hammer" should be a lot more intimidating.
The Quartermasters - they have like a dozen. I didn't even know what a quartermaster was until I wikipedia'd it. The quartermaster is "in charge of the watch-to-watch navigation and the maintenance, correction, and preparation of nautical charts and navigation publications." Why do you need 12 of these people? How about like 4? Or maybe on the Steve Irwin, that is the name of their ship, they named it after a guy who died too young, is that a bad sign, the quartermaster is just the name of anyone who has no other title. I don't know but these folks have so many quartermasters it is like have a 4dollarmaster!
Okay, so that is the basic of the ship. Then they have their "missions." These folks boarded a Japanese whaling ship last year. This year they want to do it again - with an all woman crew. And the Captain, 1st mate and 2nd mate whine. A lot. Peter Brown complains more often than most people brush their teeth. And they whine and don't do anything about it.
Look, if you don't like the way something is being done, do it your dang self. Yes, Peter Brown, get off your bony rear and you go board the boat. Or you get in the little dingy that they have and try to sail it in the freaking southern ocean. It ain't that easy but it is easy for you to sit there and whine and complain like a kid whose lunch money was just taken.
And don't get me started on Watson. That dude hasn't done anything other than steer the boat in probably 20 years. And that doesn't look so hard. I think I could handle that - and do it with more personality.
If these folks can get a show, what is tv coming to? Maybe we need fewer stations so I don't have to listen to Peter Brown whine, watch some dufus make up a nickname so he sounds cooler than he is, and have fat boy, er, Paul Watson generally make a pain of himself and think that his job means the difference between life and death for the entire planet!
But this Whale Wars is interesting. Are they terrorists or activists? The Sea Shepherd Conservation Society is filmed as they try to either save whales or attack Japanese fishermen. It is a wacky crew:
Captain Paul Watson - dude was kicked out of Greenpeace in the 70s after helping found it. He says he is Canadian but doesn't drop an "eh" ever. But this guy was too radical for Greenpeace. That is why PETA kicking you out because you threw too much paint on a fur coat. He seems to be pretty good at navigating a boat, but sucks at management.
1st Mate Peter Brown - I to the N to the C to the O to the M to the P to the E to the T to the E to the N to the T. Yes, I called him incompetent. He doesn't know how to get the boat to change directions. He doesn't know port from starboard. I get sea sick and I think I know more about boats then this dude. He seems to have dropped too much acid in the 60s. He dropped too much something - maybe he was dropped on his head too much. Listen to him talk. It is seriously like listening to a 2 year old try to form a sentene.
2nd Mate Peter Hamerstadt - dude claims his nickname is "The Hammer." The hammer? Okay, if you want a nickname like that, you need to be able to grow a goatee. A full one. None of this mustache and some hair on your chinny, chin, chin. And my left leg weighs more than his entire scrawny body. Dude really should be called "The Nail." I'm sorry but he is about as intimidating as a wet noodle and a guy who calls himself "The Hammer" should be a lot more intimidating.
The Quartermasters - they have like a dozen. I didn't even know what a quartermaster was until I wikipedia'd it. The quartermaster is "in charge of the watch-to-watch navigation and the maintenance, correction, and preparation of nautical charts and navigation publications." Why do you need 12 of these people? How about like 4? Or maybe on the Steve Irwin, that is the name of their ship, they named it after a guy who died too young, is that a bad sign, the quartermaster is just the name of anyone who has no other title. I don't know but these folks have so many quartermasters it is like have a 4dollarmaster!
Okay, so that is the basic of the ship. Then they have their "missions." These folks boarded a Japanese whaling ship last year. This year they want to do it again - with an all woman crew. And the Captain, 1st mate and 2nd mate whine. A lot. Peter Brown complains more often than most people brush their teeth. And they whine and don't do anything about it.
Look, if you don't like the way something is being done, do it your dang self. Yes, Peter Brown, get off your bony rear and you go board the boat. Or you get in the little dingy that they have and try to sail it in the freaking southern ocean. It ain't that easy but it is easy for you to sit there and whine and complain like a kid whose lunch money was just taken.
And don't get me started on Watson. That dude hasn't done anything other than steer the boat in probably 20 years. And that doesn't look so hard. I think I could handle that - and do it with more personality.
If these folks can get a show, what is tv coming to? Maybe we need fewer stations so I don't have to listen to Peter Brown whine, watch some dufus make up a nickname so he sounds cooler than he is, and have fat boy, er, Paul Watson generally make a pain of himself and think that his job means the difference between life and death for the entire planet!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Root Beer
Okay, so its not a rant, per se. Although it is better than NOFX "Creeping out Sarah." (Google it, if you don't get it. That is why google exists. What did you think? It was just there for helpful information. It is there so you can google NOFX. Sheesh!)
Today, in my mail, I had an overnight package. It came from A&W. Yes, that A&W. Now, if you know me, you know I have a root beer blog. Apparently, A&W knows that as well. (By the way, you can read the blog here: http://jonathangstein.typepad.com/jonathans_rootbeer_blog) WOO HOO! And so they sent me a letter and some "stuff." The stuff first:
1. An A&W 90th Anniversary T-shirt;
2. An A&W 90th Anniversary Mug; and
3. An A&W 90th Anniversary Book.
Okay, so we all know I like free t-shirts. This one is brown. I understand brown is the new black. And a free mug? This isn't one of those cheap plastic mugs. This is a good glass mug that is good for drinking a cold root beer! And the book? Well, as Meatloaf said, two out of three ain't bad! Okay, the book is cool too, but I don't read. YUCK! (I am kidding, kids. Reading is FUNdamental, at least that is what the NBA says when they make high school kids go to college for 1 year. Like those kids are going to learn to read in a year or something.)
Back on track: A&W wanted me to spread the word. What word? Three cool things:
1. Friday, June 19 from 2 to 8pm you can get a free A&W Root Beer Float. FREE! FREE! FREE FLOATS!
2. Saturday, June 20, a national cruise night at participating restaurants. Okay, if I had a classic car that would be sweet!
3. Sunday, June 21 is Fathers Day and you can treat your dad to an A&W Papa Burger for 90 cents. Dude, that is less than a dollar.
WOO HOO! See, not everything is negative! Oh, and you can bring a root beer to testing tomorrow!
Today, in my mail, I had an overnight package. It came from A&W. Yes, that A&W. Now, if you know me, you know I have a root beer blog. Apparently, A&W knows that as well. (By the way, you can read the blog here: http://jonathangstein.typepad.com/jonathans_rootbeer_blog) WOO HOO! And so they sent me a letter and some "stuff." The stuff first:
1. An A&W 90th Anniversary T-shirt;
2. An A&W 90th Anniversary Mug; and
3. An A&W 90th Anniversary Book.
Okay, so we all know I like free t-shirts. This one is brown. I understand brown is the new black. And a free mug? This isn't one of those cheap plastic mugs. This is a good glass mug that is good for drinking a cold root beer! And the book? Well, as Meatloaf said, two out of three ain't bad! Okay, the book is cool too, but I don't read. YUCK! (I am kidding, kids. Reading is FUNdamental, at least that is what the NBA says when they make high school kids go to college for 1 year. Like those kids are going to learn to read in a year or something.)
Back on track: A&W wanted me to spread the word. What word? Three cool things:
1. Friday, June 19 from 2 to 8pm you can get a free A&W Root Beer Float. FREE! FREE! FREE FLOATS!
2. Saturday, June 20, a national cruise night at participating restaurants. Okay, if I had a classic car that would be sweet!
3. Sunday, June 21 is Fathers Day and you can treat your dad to an A&W Papa Burger for 90 cents. Dude, that is less than a dollar.
WOO HOO! See, not everything is negative! Oh, and you can bring a root beer to testing tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
My kid can't play on my team?
Bill Orton was a cautious man. I am not. Why do you care? Because I am about to rip into people. A lot. And it may have some negative consequences. But, as Robbie Nevil said, c'est la vie, c'est la vie, that's just the way it goes.
So, I have a few kids. Maybe a herd of kids. And they are close in age. The boys are 9, 7 and 5. The 7 and 5 year old each played soccer last year. I had two teams - an under 7 team and an under 6 team. It was a lot. And some folks didn't make it any easier for me. A few parents complained. A few folks complained. Deal with it, right? So this year, I had an idea. I will put the 5 year old on the 7 year old's team. Then they can play together and I only have 1 team. This gives me more time for other soccer stuff: refereeing, being on the board, etc.... So, I asked for it.
Now, this should be pretty simple. It was approved by my local club. (Our town has its own league and there are half a dozen clubs within the league.) Apparently, however, that's not good enough. It has to be approved by the other clubs as well. Why? I don't really know. So, last night I get an email that one club has said no.
Let me see if I get this straight. I want my son to play on my team and play with his brother and you say no? Why? Really? You have some problem with this. A few thoughts:
This friggin game is ruining my life. I have over 30 years of playing this freaking game. How much experience? I have been playing since I was 4. I have been referreeing since I was 10. I have been coaching since I was 20. That is an awful lot of soccer. Oh, and that doesn't even count the years and years of soccer camps.
I had my kid dribbling the soccer ball the length of the field at age 2. Not because I pushed him, but because he wanted to be like his brother. I think I know a thing or two about the game. If I think my kid can play up an age group, who are they to argue? Heck, last year he played in a game when we played a team of 8 year olds. He held his own and was the smallest kid on the field. How about giving a guy a little respect?
I also give a ton of time to the league. I coach, I referee and I volunteer on the board. Heck, last year I wasn't even on the board and managed to help out the board. They need someone to referee a team where the coach is out of control? I volunteer. They need someone to ref a game at the last minute? Sure, I will do it. They need someone to ref a game of 18 year old boys and their obnoxious parents? Yep, I will do it. Someone needs to start an email campaign because parks and rec closed the fields on a sunny day for soccer but let flag flippin football play? I am all over that. Now, I need a little help and no? Really? No?
Of course, I was up front with my reasons. Look, two teams is a lot. My wife is knocked up and due in October. I am on the board. Of course, they say he can play on a team with his age and we can just find someone to take him to practice or the games. Great, then I get to miss his games.
I am not sure if anyone else gets this, but it is RECREATIONAL SPORTS! What is the purposes of sports? Besides teaching kids to play together, have fun, etc... its for parents to spend time with their kids. Thinking back about my childhood, some of my best memories with my dad are soccer related. Lets see: him walking me down the aisle at my wedding (don't freaking laugh, it was sweet); our drive cross country in a 72 Buick Skylark convertible; driving to a soccer tournament in Virginia in his Vette and making it through Delaware in 20 minutes; my dad having my back at a soccer game and yelling at the referee for me; my last year of playing in a league when I was pulled out of the game by the coach after making a smart soccer play and my dad telling me it was a great play and the coach was a moron. Look, three of them are soccer related. Why? Because it is what we do.
I don't understand. My dad passed the game on to me. I want to pass it on to my kids, especially the youngest. He never met my dad. He was named after my dad. It is my obligation to pass this on. It is something that can go from generation to generation. And it is very important to me.
How important is it? This important. I have two pieces of ink on me. One is a soccer ball with my kid's initials and opposite that is one for my dad. You think soccer is important to me? Soccer is a metaphor for life. Hell, I have used soccer to explain the practice of law.
So now some fat dudes are going to tell me my kid can't play on my team. Of course, if it were for "competitive reasons" he could. Really? Competitive reasons? Does the name Freddy Adu mean anything? He was the next prodigy. He was the soccer star who was going to save the US national team. He doesn't even play anymore for the natioanl team.
Meanwhile, Prof. Julio Mazzei, may he rest in peace, taught me that sometimes you have to mix things up. I remember being at his soccer camp at about age 10 or 11. I was playing with the white team. The blue team needed someone. He asked me to switch. I said no. Um, for the record, you don't say no to Pele's coach. It would be like telling Phil Jackson no. So, the game came to a screeching halt. The lecture began. And, in his deep accent, he explained that every goalie must play some games with no gloves. Every defender must play forward. Every left wing should play on the right. And, sometimes you have to play with older kids. Why? To get better.
Now, this was not a one time lesson. Werner Roth taught me the same thing. I was 6 and at his soccer camp for kids 8 to 18. Apparently, my dad pulled some strings. I was small. Really small. I mean, I took small to a whole new level. On the last day of camp, we were watching an exhibition. Werner called me out and had two goals set up. Now, for those of you who are not up on your 70s soccer, Werner Roth was the captain of the NY Cosmos. Think of playing one on one with Jordan in the 90s or Derek Jeter. We played. Somehow, I scored and won 1-0. This became a tradition. (Heck, Werner, if you are reading this now, I think I can take you. I will buy the airline ticket and fly to NY. You and me at Giants Stadium. $500 to the charity of the winners choice.) I asked him years later why. Why did you play one on one with some scrawny little kid from the burbs? His answer: because he saw that I had potential.
Now, don't get me wrong. I was never a national level player. I was never going to play college soccer. I admit my knowledge of the game exceeds my playing ability. I can sit and watch something develop and tell someone where to be better than getting there myself. But, that has stuck with me. And that is something my kid needs to learn.
Look, the little one is never going to be Landon Donovan or Brian McBride. I get that. But my kid has potential. He can learn the game. And he can learn it from me. I can pass on what I learned from my dad. I can share those moments with him. And isn't that what this is about?
Now, I have a whole bunch of out of out of shape guys telling me no. Most of these guys have never played the game. I am sure I can still run circles around any of them today. In fact, some of them play with me and someone is getting a shoulder charge next time we play. You guys have forgotten the spirit of the game. It is called the beautiful game not because we want to win or because you have a team that is good. It is called the beautiful game because when the game is played, all is good in the world. Just ask anyone who knows me: I step onto the field and all is good.
I can be very helpful when I want to be. I can also be the biggest jerk in the world. I can make life miserable. Just ask anyone who I have sued and has ticked me off.
So there may not be much I can do. I will get ticked off. I will write a few emails. However, when I get my kid on my team, and it will happen, we might put a few teams away 8 or 9 to nothing. Its not that I want to run up the score, but if you think my kid can't play on my team because of his age, you are in for a big surprise. That little kid is going to score and his brother is going to make sure no one gets near our goal. I apologize in advance for whooping these other teams.
So, I have a few kids. Maybe a herd of kids. And they are close in age. The boys are 9, 7 and 5. The 7 and 5 year old each played soccer last year. I had two teams - an under 7 team and an under 6 team. It was a lot. And some folks didn't make it any easier for me. A few parents complained. A few folks complained. Deal with it, right? So this year, I had an idea. I will put the 5 year old on the 7 year old's team. Then they can play together and I only have 1 team. This gives me more time for other soccer stuff: refereeing, being on the board, etc.... So, I asked for it.
Now, this should be pretty simple. It was approved by my local club. (Our town has its own league and there are half a dozen clubs within the league.) Apparently, however, that's not good enough. It has to be approved by the other clubs as well. Why? I don't really know. So, last night I get an email that one club has said no.
Let me see if I get this straight. I want my son to play on my team and play with his brother and you say no? Why? Really? You have some problem with this. A few thoughts:
This friggin game is ruining my life. I have over 30 years of playing this freaking game. How much experience? I have been playing since I was 4. I have been referreeing since I was 10. I have been coaching since I was 20. That is an awful lot of soccer. Oh, and that doesn't even count the years and years of soccer camps.
I had my kid dribbling the soccer ball the length of the field at age 2. Not because I pushed him, but because he wanted to be like his brother. I think I know a thing or two about the game. If I think my kid can play up an age group, who are they to argue? Heck, last year he played in a game when we played a team of 8 year olds. He held his own and was the smallest kid on the field. How about giving a guy a little respect?
I also give a ton of time to the league. I coach, I referee and I volunteer on the board. Heck, last year I wasn't even on the board and managed to help out the board. They need someone to referee a team where the coach is out of control? I volunteer. They need someone to ref a game at the last minute? Sure, I will do it. They need someone to ref a game of 18 year old boys and their obnoxious parents? Yep, I will do it. Someone needs to start an email campaign because parks and rec closed the fields on a sunny day for soccer but let flag flippin football play? I am all over that. Now, I need a little help and no? Really? No?
Of course, I was up front with my reasons. Look, two teams is a lot. My wife is knocked up and due in October. I am on the board. Of course, they say he can play on a team with his age and we can just find someone to take him to practice or the games. Great, then I get to miss his games.
I am not sure if anyone else gets this, but it is RECREATIONAL SPORTS! What is the purposes of sports? Besides teaching kids to play together, have fun, etc... its for parents to spend time with their kids. Thinking back about my childhood, some of my best memories with my dad are soccer related. Lets see: him walking me down the aisle at my wedding (don't freaking laugh, it was sweet); our drive cross country in a 72 Buick Skylark convertible; driving to a soccer tournament in Virginia in his Vette and making it through Delaware in 20 minutes; my dad having my back at a soccer game and yelling at the referee for me; my last year of playing in a league when I was pulled out of the game by the coach after making a smart soccer play and my dad telling me it was a great play and the coach was a moron. Look, three of them are soccer related. Why? Because it is what we do.
I don't understand. My dad passed the game on to me. I want to pass it on to my kids, especially the youngest. He never met my dad. He was named after my dad. It is my obligation to pass this on. It is something that can go from generation to generation. And it is very important to me.
How important is it? This important. I have two pieces of ink on me. One is a soccer ball with my kid's initials and opposite that is one for my dad. You think soccer is important to me? Soccer is a metaphor for life. Hell, I have used soccer to explain the practice of law.
So now some fat dudes are going to tell me my kid can't play on my team. Of course, if it were for "competitive reasons" he could. Really? Competitive reasons? Does the name Freddy Adu mean anything? He was the next prodigy. He was the soccer star who was going to save the US national team. He doesn't even play anymore for the natioanl team.
Meanwhile, Prof. Julio Mazzei, may he rest in peace, taught me that sometimes you have to mix things up. I remember being at his soccer camp at about age 10 or 11. I was playing with the white team. The blue team needed someone. He asked me to switch. I said no. Um, for the record, you don't say no to Pele's coach. It would be like telling Phil Jackson no. So, the game came to a screeching halt. The lecture began. And, in his deep accent, he explained that every goalie must play some games with no gloves. Every defender must play forward. Every left wing should play on the right. And, sometimes you have to play with older kids. Why? To get better.
Now, this was not a one time lesson. Werner Roth taught me the same thing. I was 6 and at his soccer camp for kids 8 to 18. Apparently, my dad pulled some strings. I was small. Really small. I mean, I took small to a whole new level. On the last day of camp, we were watching an exhibition. Werner called me out and had two goals set up. Now, for those of you who are not up on your 70s soccer, Werner Roth was the captain of the NY Cosmos. Think of playing one on one with Jordan in the 90s or Derek Jeter. We played. Somehow, I scored and won 1-0. This became a tradition. (Heck, Werner, if you are reading this now, I think I can take you. I will buy the airline ticket and fly to NY. You and me at Giants Stadium. $500 to the charity of the winners choice.) I asked him years later why. Why did you play one on one with some scrawny little kid from the burbs? His answer: because he saw that I had potential.
Now, don't get me wrong. I was never a national level player. I was never going to play college soccer. I admit my knowledge of the game exceeds my playing ability. I can sit and watch something develop and tell someone where to be better than getting there myself. But, that has stuck with me. And that is something my kid needs to learn.
Look, the little one is never going to be Landon Donovan or Brian McBride. I get that. But my kid has potential. He can learn the game. And he can learn it from me. I can pass on what I learned from my dad. I can share those moments with him. And isn't that what this is about?
Now, I have a whole bunch of out of out of shape guys telling me no. Most of these guys have never played the game. I am sure I can still run circles around any of them today. In fact, some of them play with me and someone is getting a shoulder charge next time we play. You guys have forgotten the spirit of the game. It is called the beautiful game not because we want to win or because you have a team that is good. It is called the beautiful game because when the game is played, all is good in the world. Just ask anyone who knows me: I step onto the field and all is good.
I can be very helpful when I want to be. I can also be the biggest jerk in the world. I can make life miserable. Just ask anyone who I have sued and has ticked me off.
So there may not be much I can do. I will get ticked off. I will write a few emails. However, when I get my kid on my team, and it will happen, we might put a few teams away 8 or 9 to nothing. Its not that I want to run up the score, but if you think my kid can't play on my team because of his age, you are in for a big surprise. That little kid is going to score and his brother is going to make sure no one gets near our goal. I apologize in advance for whooping these other teams.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Why does anyone like San Francisco?
So, today I was in San Francisco. My friends at Avvo (need an attorney, go to www.avvo.com to find an attorney) invited me as part of the Avvo World Tour 2009. This was the West Coast swing. And I only got invited to part of it - the San Francisco stop. Somehow they keep going to San Francisco and skipping Sacramento. What, is the state capital not good enough for you? Does having the Governator here not work for you? Is Lake Tahoe too close? Oh wait, I know, the smart folks at Avvo didn't want to be dumbed down by the morons at the Capitol who can't seem to figure out how to add and subtract to pass a budget. But that is a whole different rant.
So, I end up in San Francisco, which shall now be called SF because its shorter for me to type. I always hear people say how great SF is. Um, why? No, seriously, why? I get the appeal of New York (my favorite city in the world and the home of the Cosmos in the 1970s and early 1980s). I see why America's Finest City, San Diego, is attractive. I even get New Orleans. But, San Francisco? Here are some observations:
1. The public toilet. WTF? I mean, really, it is a public toilet. Outside. You pay to use it. Anyone want to guess who uses it in SF? No, not me. The homeless dude. He collects his money and then pays the $1 or so to use it. And he sits in there. And showers. Well, washes up. And pees all over the place. And then you want me to pay to go in there? I would rather buy an overpriced burger to use a restaurant bathroom - and then not eat the burger. In fact, if I had to choose between the public toilet or dropping trou in the middle of Pier 39, its not even close - I drop trou. If you offered me $1,000 to use the public restroom or I had to drop trou in the middle of Candlestick Park, I still drop trou. Hey fine folks in SF, try taking out the toilets and spend a few more dollars on shelters.
2. The streets. Ever been to a well designed big city? Ever notice anything about the layout? It is a grid. A nice grid. Sometimes the lettered streets go one way and the numbers another way. Sometimes the "Street" and "Avenue" designation indicate which way streets go. But, usually, there is an easy layout. I can walk from Central Park to Times Square without an issue. But, the geniuses who laid out San Francisco decided that no layout would be better. They apparently think that curving streets and intersections where three streets connect are good ideas. They don't mind if you are driving down Embarcadero and you can make a sharp right turn onto "Holy Crap this street is steep Way" or a less sharp right turn onto "Dang, another homeless dude sitting in the Road." Do you ever wonder why tourists don't drive in SF? It is solely because you can't find your way without a map and Bear Grylls.
3. The economy. The economy of SF seems to tick when tourists are separated from their money by buying shlock. This is a shlockonomy. And it is the same garbage from street to street. Walk from Ghirardelli Square to Pier 39. You seem $10 "Ray Ban" sunglasses. No wait, I am sorry, these are "Rae Bun" sunglasses. You see "Cucci" purses next to "Booney and Dork." You see t-shirts that are so thin they look like Right Said Fred was wearing them. Then you get the 2 sweatshirts for $30 or 3 for $25. (No, that is not a typo.) You see cameras from Nylon and Cannonball. And people buy this stuff like you can't find it anywhere else. Well, some of it you can't find anywhere else because it has lead based paint in it. And some of it looks like it was made with child labor from Oakland. Hell, the gangs have to do something to earn money besides shoot each other. It is amazing that the economy does not completely falter over there!
4. The prices. Okay, so parking at Pier 39 cost me $21. Then parking at the hotel was another $45. Lunch was over $50 for two adults and one 5 year old. Really? Lunch is that expensive to sit outside and watch bush man (get your head out of the gutter, he is bush man, not ............ nevermind) while eating a sandwich or two? And parking at $15 per hour? For space. For space where my car could be crushed at anytime from an earthquake. You should pay me for bringing my car into your city. You should thank me for wanting to come and make sure I can park so I can buy more of your shlock to bring home! Sheesh.
5. The people. First, a toothbrush goes a long way. A mint? Gum? Anything? Please. Do I need to bring my own bottle of scope when I go? Second, I am not related to Ben Stein. I don't look like Ben Stein. I don't talk like Ben Stein. I don't even know Ben Stein. I didn't win any of his money. He didn't give me any money. He wouldn't even take my phone calls when I tried! That restraining order ended, Ben, and I can call again. (Its a joke, people, laugh! The restraining order didn't cover phone calls, just visits to his house!) I don't really care to be compared to Ben Stein. If you listen to me for all over 30 seconds, you will quickly figure out I didn't go to Harvard, don't use words with more than two syllables and have no interest in acting! Please, stop. It only happens in San Francisco. At least the scope needing dude wasn't also the Ben Stein questioner!
But, other than that, the time was fun. I did meet a nice woman, who saved me from scope dude. Thanks Collete. Sorry he needed gum. I will make sure that I bring some next time. It's not like there weren't enough mints on the tables. Sheesh! And Mark and Conrad were very nice, even if Conrad did annoy my wife in the first 30 seconds and she is making me sleep on the couch - outside! Maybe next time they will invite me up to Seattle and I can see the fish throwing before PETA gets that banned. Or, maybe, just maybe, they will come to the capital of the 7th largest economy in the WORLD and stop snubbing Sac-of-potato!
So, I end up in San Francisco, which shall now be called SF because its shorter for me to type. I always hear people say how great SF is. Um, why? No, seriously, why? I get the appeal of New York (my favorite city in the world and the home of the Cosmos in the 1970s and early 1980s). I see why America's Finest City, San Diego, is attractive. I even get New Orleans. But, San Francisco? Here are some observations:
1. The public toilet. WTF? I mean, really, it is a public toilet. Outside. You pay to use it. Anyone want to guess who uses it in SF? No, not me. The homeless dude. He collects his money and then pays the $1 or so to use it. And he sits in there. And showers. Well, washes up. And pees all over the place. And then you want me to pay to go in there? I would rather buy an overpriced burger to use a restaurant bathroom - and then not eat the burger. In fact, if I had to choose between the public toilet or dropping trou in the middle of Pier 39, its not even close - I drop trou. If you offered me $1,000 to use the public restroom or I had to drop trou in the middle of Candlestick Park, I still drop trou. Hey fine folks in SF, try taking out the toilets and spend a few more dollars on shelters.
2. The streets. Ever been to a well designed big city? Ever notice anything about the layout? It is a grid. A nice grid. Sometimes the lettered streets go one way and the numbers another way. Sometimes the "Street" and "Avenue" designation indicate which way streets go. But, usually, there is an easy layout. I can walk from Central Park to Times Square without an issue. But, the geniuses who laid out San Francisco decided that no layout would be better. They apparently think that curving streets and intersections where three streets connect are good ideas. They don't mind if you are driving down Embarcadero and you can make a sharp right turn onto "Holy Crap this street is steep Way" or a less sharp right turn onto "Dang, another homeless dude sitting in the Road." Do you ever wonder why tourists don't drive in SF? It is solely because you can't find your way without a map and Bear Grylls.
3. The economy. The economy of SF seems to tick when tourists are separated from their money by buying shlock. This is a shlockonomy. And it is the same garbage from street to street. Walk from Ghirardelli Square to Pier 39. You seem $10 "Ray Ban" sunglasses. No wait, I am sorry, these are "Rae Bun" sunglasses. You see "Cucci" purses next to "Booney and Dork." You see t-shirts that are so thin they look like Right Said Fred was wearing them. Then you get the 2 sweatshirts for $30 or 3 for $25. (No, that is not a typo.) You see cameras from Nylon and Cannonball. And people buy this stuff like you can't find it anywhere else. Well, some of it you can't find anywhere else because it has lead based paint in it. And some of it looks like it was made with child labor from Oakland. Hell, the gangs have to do something to earn money besides shoot each other. It is amazing that the economy does not completely falter over there!
4. The prices. Okay, so parking at Pier 39 cost me $21. Then parking at the hotel was another $45. Lunch was over $50 for two adults and one 5 year old. Really? Lunch is that expensive to sit outside and watch bush man (get your head out of the gutter, he is bush man, not ............ nevermind) while eating a sandwich or two? And parking at $15 per hour? For space. For space where my car could be crushed at anytime from an earthquake. You should pay me for bringing my car into your city. You should thank me for wanting to come and make sure I can park so I can buy more of your shlock to bring home! Sheesh.
5. The people. First, a toothbrush goes a long way. A mint? Gum? Anything? Please. Do I need to bring my own bottle of scope when I go? Second, I am not related to Ben Stein. I don't look like Ben Stein. I don't talk like Ben Stein. I don't even know Ben Stein. I didn't win any of his money. He didn't give me any money. He wouldn't even take my phone calls when I tried! That restraining order ended, Ben, and I can call again. (Its a joke, people, laugh! The restraining order didn't cover phone calls, just visits to his house!) I don't really care to be compared to Ben Stein. If you listen to me for all over 30 seconds, you will quickly figure out I didn't go to Harvard, don't use words with more than two syllables and have no interest in acting! Please, stop. It only happens in San Francisco. At least the scope needing dude wasn't also the Ben Stein questioner!
But, other than that, the time was fun. I did meet a nice woman, who saved me from scope dude. Thanks Collete. Sorry he needed gum. I will make sure that I bring some next time. It's not like there weren't enough mints on the tables. Sheesh! And Mark and Conrad were very nice, even if Conrad did annoy my wife in the first 30 seconds and she is making me sleep on the couch - outside! Maybe next time they will invite me up to Seattle and I can see the fish throwing before PETA gets that banned. Or, maybe, just maybe, they will come to the capital of the 7th largest economy in the WORLD and stop snubbing Sac-of-potato!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Web 2.0?
I admit it. I can't tell a difference between Web 2.0 and the internet as it was invented by Al Gore back in the 90s. Al Gore did invite the internet, didn't he? Oh wait, I think I have Al Gore the internet inventor confused with Al Gore the guy with the mansion who uses a ton of energy to light it. But, wait, that is so off topic.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Web 2.0. Can you define Web 2.0? No, not you, Mr. Computer Geek reading this from his office with his three monitor set up. Can a normal person off the street define it? No. Why not? Because it is not a word.
Well, not to normal people. But the Global Language Monitor announced it is the 1,000,000th word in the English language. Yes, folks, ONE MILLION words. We should have a party or something. Imagine the word dropping from Times Square. Or maybe we throw confetti on people. Dick Clark can have a show with "Seacrest Out." They can call it "Dick Clark's Wonderful Word World with Ryan 'I don't know any word's Seacrest."
Do you want to know word 999,999? It is "jai ho!" Apparently this is from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Um, one problem, jai ho is actually a Hindi victory phrase. So, apparently, English words are now just words we steal. We are thieves. We don't have words. We just take other people's words. Speaking of Slumdog Millionaire, Slumdog is word 999,997. Yes, movie titles now get to be words.
Other choices:
1. defriend - as in "I defriended Bob on Facebook because he kept hitting on my female friends. No really, he did. Even the underage ones." How is it possible we have existed for thousands of years and apparently no one has ever defriended someone before. But defriend is almost a word now!
2. cloud computing - as in "WTF is cloud computing you technogeeks?!" Seriously, I would write more, but I don't get it. WTF is cloud computing? SHEESH!
3. carbon neutral - as in "Put the levitating car in carbon neutral and take your foot off the hydrogen pedal." Yes? No, that's not right? Dang it.
4. Octomom - as in "Octomom is a cheap piece of **** whose sole support now is by living off of those poor little kids who didn't ask to be brought into the world by Satan." Yes there, I called her Satan. You know you want to but lack the cojones (which may or may not be an English word). She is Satan. We have a word for that - it is Satan. We do not need to create a new word for this woman. She gets enough attention already! STOP IT!
5. Sexting - as in "Billy and Emily were sexting after school." No, they were not texting. That is not a typo. They were sexting. This is, apparently, the process of texting sexual messages to another person. Does that make emailing sexual messages sexmail? If you call someone, does that make it a sexophone call? If you actually have sex, are you sexsexing? I just don't get it. What if I were to text someone about sports? Is that sportexting? What if I text them about the weather? Weatherexting?
So, good people of the blog, I say we start a new word. But it cannot have anything to do with vacation, daycation, staycation or Taco Bell's freaking breakation. ARGH! My ears. Stop making up words you advertisement dweebs. You make the computer geeks look normal.
I propose the new word is "hafffffffffffffaaaaaaaarrrrrr." It means..........well, I don't know what it means. But there is a Starbucks gift card to the person who posts a comment on the blog with the best use of hafffffffffffffaaaaaaaarrrrrr in a sentence. Yes, Starbucks!
Where was I? Oh yeah, Web 2.0. Can you define Web 2.0? No, not you, Mr. Computer Geek reading this from his office with his three monitor set up. Can a normal person off the street define it? No. Why not? Because it is not a word.
Well, not to normal people. But the Global Language Monitor announced it is the 1,000,000th word in the English language. Yes, folks, ONE MILLION words. We should have a party or something. Imagine the word dropping from Times Square. Or maybe we throw confetti on people. Dick Clark can have a show with "Seacrest Out." They can call it "Dick Clark's Wonderful Word World with Ryan 'I don't know any word's Seacrest."
Do you want to know word 999,999? It is "jai ho!" Apparently this is from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Um, one problem, jai ho is actually a Hindi victory phrase. So, apparently, English words are now just words we steal. We are thieves. We don't have words. We just take other people's words. Speaking of Slumdog Millionaire, Slumdog is word 999,997. Yes, movie titles now get to be words.
Other choices:
1. defriend - as in "I defriended Bob on Facebook because he kept hitting on my female friends. No really, he did. Even the underage ones." How is it possible we have existed for thousands of years and apparently no one has ever defriended someone before. But defriend is almost a word now!
2. cloud computing - as in "WTF is cloud computing you technogeeks?!" Seriously, I would write more, but I don't get it. WTF is cloud computing? SHEESH!
3. carbon neutral - as in "Put the levitating car in carbon neutral and take your foot off the hydrogen pedal." Yes? No, that's not right? Dang it.
4. Octomom - as in "Octomom is a cheap piece of **** whose sole support now is by living off of those poor little kids who didn't ask to be brought into the world by Satan." Yes there, I called her Satan. You know you want to but lack the cojones (which may or may not be an English word). She is Satan. We have a word for that - it is Satan. We do not need to create a new word for this woman. She gets enough attention already! STOP IT!
5. Sexting - as in "Billy and Emily were sexting after school." No, they were not texting. That is not a typo. They were sexting. This is, apparently, the process of texting sexual messages to another person. Does that make emailing sexual messages sexmail? If you call someone, does that make it a sexophone call? If you actually have sex, are you sexsexing? I just don't get it. What if I were to text someone about sports? Is that sportexting? What if I text them about the weather? Weatherexting?
So, good people of the blog, I say we start a new word. But it cannot have anything to do with vacation, daycation, staycation or Taco Bell's freaking breakation. ARGH! My ears. Stop making up words you advertisement dweebs. You make the computer geeks look normal.
I propose the new word is "hafffffffffffffaaaaaaaarrrrrr." It means..........well, I don't know what it means. But there is a Starbucks gift card to the person who posts a comment on the blog with the best use of hafffffffffffffaaaaaaaarrrrrr in a sentence. Yes, Starbucks!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Holy Crunch Batman - A Crunchberry isn't real
I am so worked up. I don't know what to do. I was going to sit down and eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch Crunchberry cereal. After all, Seinfeld isn't the only one with a cereal fetish. No wait, he is. I just like cereal. But, just as I was opening my box, I found out that Crunchberries aren't real. What's next? If the Cap'n can lie about this, can it be long before I find out that Willy Wonka lied about Snozberries? Are Snozberries not snozilicous?
You think I am joking. But, it took a federal lawsuit for me to learn this. (Read about it at a real blog here: http://www.loweringthebar.net/2009/06/reasonable-consumer-would-know-crunchberries-are-not-real-judge-rules.html) And, apparently, it took a federal lawsuit for attorney Hal Hewell to learn this as well, and for his client Janine Sugawara. I wonder how much Janine paid Hal to learn this. After all, on Hal's website he says "Most cases will require a minimum retainer at the outset." What is the minimum retainer to figure out that Crunchberries aren't real? Is that like $4.99 for a box of the freaking cereal? Or is it like $804.99 because it takes Hal four hours to buy the box to see that it says "sweetened corn & oat cereal?"
I don't know what the air is like where Hal practices. No wait, I do. It is nice and clear and about 70 degrees with low humidity. Maybe the salt water has gotten to him. But, dude apparently actually thought that Crunchberries were real. How do I know this? Because as an attorney, we agree not to bring frivolous lawsuits without some basis in fact. Hal must have though that there was some factual basis for believing that Crunchberries existed.
What is next on the Hal Hit List? Is Hal going to sue RIM because people think they can send email from an imaginary fruit? (Apologies to Mike F. who sent me that line. It as funnier when he said it.) Maybe Hal is going to sue Chevys because there are no fresh Mexicans in their food and they call it "Fresh Mex?" Should Hal go after A&W - after all there is no freaking beer in their root beer? Do you know how many root beers I had to drink and not get a buzz before I figured that out? How disappointing is that? Here I am trying to get a buzz and I can't because there is no alcohol in it! Maybe Hal should sue the NBA, NFL and MLB for having the "world champions" when they only crown a champion for the US or, at best, North America?
I mean, of all of the problems with Cap'n Crunch, he picked the Crunchberry? How about the fact that the freaking thing rips up your mouth when you eat it? How about that there is no Crunch, its just "CRACK CRACK CRACK" as your teeth break? It is good cereal - if you don't mind the taste of blood while you read the morning paper. How about the fact that Cap'n isn't even a word? And don't call him Captain or his posse will come and whoop you. Dude is not a Captain. Maybe if he were, Hal would sue the US Navy for naming someone a cptain who doesn't exist. Who the heck is this Cap'n Crunch guy and why does he get to tell me what to eat? Shouldn't we take them down for that? How about the fact that they welcome me to Crunch Island and no place exists? I know - I checked a map or two. I may have even looked on a globe. And it wasn't there. Why not?
Why Cap'n, for all that is good in the world, why? Why do you lie to us? Why do you sell us Crunchberries when they don't exist? Why won't you spell your name right? Why isn't Crunch Island a place? There is Easter Island, Christmas Island and even an island called Tarawa. But you lie to us. And you like it with that smirky little smile and that voice that sounds like nails down a chalkboard.
Trust me, if there was a place like Crunch Island, I would tell big ole Hal to go there and never, ever, ever come back. Ever.
You think I am joking. But, it took a federal lawsuit for me to learn this. (Read about it at a real blog here: http://www.loweringthebar.net/2009/06/reasonable-consumer-would-know-crunchberries-are-not-real-judge-rules.html) And, apparently, it took a federal lawsuit for attorney Hal Hewell to learn this as well, and for his client Janine Sugawara. I wonder how much Janine paid Hal to learn this. After all, on Hal's website he says "Most cases will require a minimum retainer at the outset." What is the minimum retainer to figure out that Crunchberries aren't real? Is that like $4.99 for a box of the freaking cereal? Or is it like $804.99 because it takes Hal four hours to buy the box to see that it says "sweetened corn & oat cereal?"
I don't know what the air is like where Hal practices. No wait, I do. It is nice and clear and about 70 degrees with low humidity. Maybe the salt water has gotten to him. But, dude apparently actually thought that Crunchberries were real. How do I know this? Because as an attorney, we agree not to bring frivolous lawsuits without some basis in fact. Hal must have though that there was some factual basis for believing that Crunchberries existed.
What is next on the Hal Hit List? Is Hal going to sue RIM because people think they can send email from an imaginary fruit? (Apologies to Mike F. who sent me that line. It as funnier when he said it.) Maybe Hal is going to sue Chevys because there are no fresh Mexicans in their food and they call it "Fresh Mex?" Should Hal go after A&W - after all there is no freaking beer in their root beer? Do you know how many root beers I had to drink and not get a buzz before I figured that out? How disappointing is that? Here I am trying to get a buzz and I can't because there is no alcohol in it! Maybe Hal should sue the NBA, NFL and MLB for having the "world champions" when they only crown a champion for the US or, at best, North America?
I mean, of all of the problems with Cap'n Crunch, he picked the Crunchberry? How about the fact that the freaking thing rips up your mouth when you eat it? How about that there is no Crunch, its just "CRACK CRACK CRACK" as your teeth break? It is good cereal - if you don't mind the taste of blood while you read the morning paper. How about the fact that Cap'n isn't even a word? And don't call him Captain or his posse will come and whoop you. Dude is not a Captain. Maybe if he were, Hal would sue the US Navy for naming someone a cptain who doesn't exist. Who the heck is this Cap'n Crunch guy and why does he get to tell me what to eat? Shouldn't we take them down for that? How about the fact that they welcome me to Crunch Island and no place exists? I know - I checked a map or two. I may have even looked on a globe. And it wasn't there. Why not?
Why Cap'n, for all that is good in the world, why? Why do you lie to us? Why do you sell us Crunchberries when they don't exist? Why won't you spell your name right? Why isn't Crunch Island a place? There is Easter Island, Christmas Island and even an island called Tarawa. But you lie to us. And you like it with that smirky little smile and that voice that sounds like nails down a chalkboard.
Trust me, if there was a place like Crunch Island, I would tell big ole Hal to go there and never, ever, ever come back. Ever.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Names
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. My name is Kiiiiiiiid Rock, at least that is what I was told by someone sitting at my kitchen table. Of course, would the really Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hatch, Hatch, quick Hatch, quick.
No, not just random quotes about names. Well, okay, this was a whole list just with random name quotes. But, heck, when can you mix in The Princess Bride with Kid Rock and Eminem. But, it does have a place it is leading me to - names. What is in a name? A lot. Names can tell you a lot about folks.
1. Reginald - Okay, not the name Reginald. It is just an example. I called this guy up the other day. He is an attorney. Notice how a lot of my interactions are with attorneys? That is what happens when you are an attorney. You end up dealing with those people. And while some, like my buddy Mike, are nice, some are just jerks. So, I called up this young guy Reginald. He actually signed his letter Reggie. I call and ask for Reggie. Reggie works at a big law firm. And Reggie has been practicing law for less than a year. Reggie might be 25. So, I call and ask for Reggie since that is how he signed his letter. I identify myself as an attorney returning his call. The receptionist says "Oh, you want Mr. Miller?" Um, no, I want Reggie. So, she connects me. Reggie answers "Mr. Miller." I explain that I am returning Reggie's call. Again, he calls himself "Mr. Miller."
Now, I am all in favor of showing respect to people. But, if you sign your letter Reggie, expect to be called Reggie. And if you don't want to be called Reggie, don't sign your letter Reggie. But don't go around calling yourself Mr. Miller to your elders. Just because you work at a law firm doesn't mean you Mr. Anything. Sheesh, Reg, get over yourself.
2. Middle names - So, what's the deal with people using their middle name? I don't understand why Tom Mark Smith goes by Mark and not Tom. Clearly, you are hiding something. I don't trust people who go by their middle names. You are trying to deceive me. What are you hiding? I know, your dad has the same name and you don't want to be confused. Break out a nickname or a Jr or a III. But, don't use your middle name. My instinct tells me you are a liar. Sorry, T. Boone Pickens, but you are hiding something too!
3. Weird spellings - Okay, I know people don't want to name their kid Johnny or Billy or Madison or Ashley. We don't want to name our little girl Madison or Ashley or Brittany either. I get the need to not use a popular name. Trust me, I do.
But, really, do you need to name your kid Danne? Yes, that is supposed to be Danny. But, instead of spelling it like a normal person, it is spelled Danne. No, that does not make your kid cool or stand out. It makes people pronounce his name "DANE." I guess if your kid is a puppy and not a kid, then being called DANE is not bad. But, if your kid is a kid, he may want people to be able to say his name. So, don't
Of course, I am not sure if that is any worse than the barrista who spelled my name on Sunday as Jonh. Yes, not Jon. Not John. Not even Jhon. But, Jonh. What the hell is that? That isn't even close to a name.
Just spell a name right. Something like Hatch. How hard is that? And don't use it if it is your middle name. And don't go by Mr. Miller, you young big law attorney. You put your pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. Well, except you may only have one leg...............
Danne
No, not just random quotes about names. Well, okay, this was a whole list just with random name quotes. But, heck, when can you mix in The Princess Bride with Kid Rock and Eminem. But, it does have a place it is leading me to - names. What is in a name? A lot. Names can tell you a lot about folks.
1. Reginald - Okay, not the name Reginald. It is just an example. I called this guy up the other day. He is an attorney. Notice how a lot of my interactions are with attorneys? That is what happens when you are an attorney. You end up dealing with those people. And while some, like my buddy Mike, are nice, some are just jerks. So, I called up this young guy Reginald. He actually signed his letter Reggie. I call and ask for Reggie. Reggie works at a big law firm. And Reggie has been practicing law for less than a year. Reggie might be 25. So, I call and ask for Reggie since that is how he signed his letter. I identify myself as an attorney returning his call. The receptionist says "Oh, you want Mr. Miller?" Um, no, I want Reggie. So, she connects me. Reggie answers "Mr. Miller." I explain that I am returning Reggie's call. Again, he calls himself "Mr. Miller."
Now, I am all in favor of showing respect to people. But, if you sign your letter Reggie, expect to be called Reggie. And if you don't want to be called Reggie, don't sign your letter Reggie. But don't go around calling yourself Mr. Miller to your elders. Just because you work at a law firm doesn't mean you Mr. Anything. Sheesh, Reg, get over yourself.
2. Middle names - So, what's the deal with people using their middle name? I don't understand why Tom Mark Smith goes by Mark and not Tom. Clearly, you are hiding something. I don't trust people who go by their middle names. You are trying to deceive me. What are you hiding? I know, your dad has the same name and you don't want to be confused. Break out a nickname or a Jr or a III. But, don't use your middle name. My instinct tells me you are a liar. Sorry, T. Boone Pickens, but you are hiding something too!
3. Weird spellings - Okay, I know people don't want to name their kid Johnny or Billy or Madison or Ashley. We don't want to name our little girl Madison or Ashley or Brittany either. I get the need to not use a popular name. Trust me, I do.
But, really, do you need to name your kid Danne? Yes, that is supposed to be Danny. But, instead of spelling it like a normal person, it is spelled Danne. No, that does not make your kid cool or stand out. It makes people pronounce his name "DANE." I guess if your kid is a puppy and not a kid, then being called DANE is not bad. But, if your kid is a kid, he may want people to be able to say his name. So, don't
Of course, I am not sure if that is any worse than the barrista who spelled my name on Sunday as Jonh. Yes, not Jon. Not John. Not even Jhon. But, Jonh. What the hell is that? That isn't even close to a name.
Just spell a name right. Something like Hatch. How hard is that? And don't use it if it is your middle name. And don't go by Mr. Miller, you young big law attorney. You put your pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. Well, except you may only have one leg...............
Danne
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