Larry Bodine is a Marketing Goon

So I get this unsolicited email from this guy Larry Bodine about Avvo. Avvo may be the greatest thing for lawyers since the invention of a laptop. (Full Disclosure: I have no interest in Avvo, financial or otherwise.) However, Larry Bovine says that Avvo has no credibility. This is coming from a guy who is a "marketing consultant."

Stein's Dictionary - consultant - n - one who tells others how to do what he cannot do. Usage: That consultant is telling me how to run my law practice when he doesn't even know how to run a law practice.

So, since Larry wants to tell us why Avvo has no credibility, here is my top 10 list of reasons why Bodiner has no credibility:

10. He charges attorneys for access to an email marketing list. Yes, and he calls it successful. I guess it is successful if you measure success by putting money in his pocket. I run two marketing lists for attorneys that are FREE! Yes, mine are FREE and have access to some of the smartest marketing folks in the country.

9. Bodine is not on my marketing lists. When I say my, I mean I am just the dufus who took on the responsibility of running the list. I have no ownership interest in it. It is, like Mt. Everest, there.

8. Bodine has a picture that makes me think "1984." No, not the movie. Look at the dude's picture on his website. If the feathered hair does not tell you that he is stuck in the 80s, then the collar on his shirt does!

7. Apollo Business Development? Isn't Apollo from the 60s? Or did the Apollo theater give him the idea? Oh wait, that is not around either. Is there anything still around called Apollo? Anything? Bueller?

6. He was named "Technolawyer Legal Technology Consultant of the Year." Isn't that like being named Head Dungeon Master of the Year? Or maybe it is "Longest Title of the Year Winner of a Contest Sponsored by a Company who Wants Their Name in the Title of the Award and gave it to the Winner of the Company Named Award?" Just wondering.

5. He "conducts market assessments?" The key to this is closely reading the first three letters of the last word in quotes. Isn't that a bit like making an assumption? Here is a market assessment: consumers use Avvo. Thus, attorneys should use Avvo. Dang it - now I gave it away for free. You all owe me $15,000 for my market assessment. Make checks payable to "Thank Goodness I don't call myself a business development advisor or I would shoot myself."

4. He uses the word "Rainmaker" in a sentence when not quoting from John Grisham. Really, does anyone use the word "Rainmaker" if you are a real conversation? Do normal people use that word? Of course not. Heck, most attorneys do not use it.

3. He quotes from an article with a guy who wants to sue someone - immediately. Okay, I understand there is a time and place to sue people. After all, it is what I do. But, I try to resolve disputes in a friendly way first. The guy who BVDine quotes starts with talking about suing people. Sheesh. Don't we have enough lawsuits? (Oh, memo to attorney who wants to sue Avvo: if you have been disciplined, even if you have "resolved it," the public has a right to know.)

2. He has no idea what most of the lawyers in this country do yet professes to tell us. Look, he has consulted with 3,000 attorney firms down to 25 member "boutique" firms. Great for all of those people with money to throw away. Voipdine apparently does not realize that most attorneys in this country are solo and small firm practitioners. That means 5 attorneys and under. Yet, he, who has never worked with us based on his own website, is going to tell us that a tool that a lot of use and like has no credibility? Isn't that like me telling George Clooney how to play Danny Ocean in Ocean's 14?

1. He is jealous. He is just upset that he did not come up with this first. How can you tell? Because he thinks people care what he thinks. He thinks it is important to tell people HIS opinion. Dude, your opinion isn't worth the paper it is written on. Oh wait, you are too cool to write. I am sure you dictate. It is not worth the MP3 file it is saved in.

I feel better now.

EDIT: Bonus Coverage: This is like watching March Madness and then there is a close game somewhere else and they cut away:

0. Bodine feels Americans are lazy. Per Bovine's blog: "America needs to wake up and stop being lazy...." Really? We do. Hey Lar, can I call you Lar?, come spend a day with my laziness. I am sure you will find that I am just a lazy bum. I prefer you come on a Friday - sparring day! But, you could come on a day like today where I worked all day and then went and taught taekwondo lessons. I am sure I am lazy. I know, I am the exception, not the rule? Right. If you think we are lazy, go find your clients elsewhere.

-1. Bodine frequently finds use of the N word funny. No, not that N word. The N word that describes Hitler's regime. Apparently, there is some joke he found about Bush Bimbo, er, Limbaugh, and Nazis. Of course, he also thinks the best elevator speech ever answers the question of what you do for a living with "I am a Nazi medical researcher." Really? That's funny. I know, Bopuke is going to say that he has Jewish blood in him. Oh, by the way, there is no such thing as "Jewish blood." It is a religion - not a nationality. But it is not funny. Never. Ever. If you think that is funny you are a bigger moron than the douche who questioned by parenting skills while going in to a tanning salon!

I believe the consensus is in: Larry Bodine is to lawyers like Scott Boras is to baseball agents - he thinks he is better than he is and most of the people he works with cannot stand him.