The Un Apology

So, we all know a good apology. "Honey, I am sorry I did not take out the garbage." Or in sparring as Tim would say to me "I am sorry I kicked you below the belt. You know I cannot get my kick above ankle high." A good apology does wonders. You can make the other person feel better. You make yourself feel better. The world is a tiny bit better.

Then there is the un apology. What is an un apology? It looks like an apology. It has some of the parts of an apology. But, it is not real. It is a fake. It is like those purses you see on the corner of 4th and Broadway in NYC.

This comes up because I am on a list for attorneys. There are 3,500 people or so on the list. The list has a few rules, including no spam. So, some guy joins and spams the list. People call him on it. Then he gives an un apology. He states that he is sorry for spamming people, but then goes into a pitch about how great his company is. Yes, Total Practice Management Association thinks this qualifies as an apology. So, in the spirit of Kevin's un apology, here are my top 5 un apologies:

1. To Bodine, L - "I am sorry I called you all of those names like Larry Bovine or my favorite Larry BVDine. I really should have explained to people that my left testicle forgot more about how to run a small law firm that you have ever known - combined - in your whole life."

2. To the guy going in to the tanning salon - "I am sorry for insinuating that you are a twerp for going in to a tanning salon. It turns out a lot of body builders go in to a tanning salon. Of course, I can do a one leg squat with more weight than you can lift with all of your twerp-like muscles combined. Oh, and let me see you parent your kid one day. Oh wait, you don't have kids."

3. To the punks from baseball practice - "I am sorry for calling you punks. I really meant to call you dumb*** mother******ing c***s***ing pieces of s*** bastar** who should be taken out back and whooped followed by being stoned (and not the drug kind) and then tarred and feathered since you think you are so tough."

4. To the lawyer with the sunglasses - "I am sorry for implying you are a conceited know it all. Really, you are a conceited son of a b**** who thinks his s*** doesn't smell and should be dunked in dung until you realize that most high school graduates are smarter than you and most 4th graders have better people skills than you."

5. Finally, to to the guy at Leapfish - "I am sorry for saying you have the worst sales call ever. The worst sales call ever really goes to the lady who followed up from your company and, after admitting she had heard of my prior post, still continued her efforts to sell me on your service. That was truly the worst sales call ever, but it is still your fault for thinking I am not that good at my job."

Now, as a bonus, my un apology to Kevin: "I am sorry for saying that your un apology was not sincere. I am sure you were sincerely trying to get more work. You should just get better at it."

If you think I owe you an un apology, just let me know.