Is driving really that hard?

Okay, tonight's topic is driving. Why? Because I do it a lot so I see a lot of really bad driving. Really bad. I mean, you would think these people had never taken a class on how to drive. It is almost like the car is a completely foreign concept to them. So, my top 5 driving frustrations:

1. No parking means no parking. Okay, that red painted curb you see? Red should be a sign to you when you are driving. It means stop. Don't. No. Nada. No way Jose. No can do. Yet, for some reason, some people think that because of there are no cars there, the red curb is just for them. They think it is some sort of valet. It is not. Red means you cannot park there. That is why the rest of us are not parked there. Oh, and the same goes for fire hydrants. If you park in front of a fire hydrant and there is a fire, not only should the fire department break your windows to get the hose to the hydrant, but they should then burn your car down. To the ground. Car-b-que style. Is it really that hard?

2. NASCAR fan. Okay, not you Mr. Police Officer who likes Nascar and goes to the races with me. You drive just fine. But, dude with the #3 window sticker on his car (by the way, I know it is sad Dale Earnhardt is dead, but so is Len Bias and you don't see people driving around with Len Bias stickers on their cars), you really need to stop channeling Earnhardt and start channeling safe driving. Look, Jeff Gordon doesn't have turn signals on the #24 so he doesn't have to use them. But, your car has them. And they are not optional - they are mandatory. If you are going to change lanes, take the 2 1/2 seconds and put on the turn signal so we can figure out what you are doing. Really, its just common courtesy.

3. Your eyes should be looking where your car is going. I was behind a guy tonight who was waiting for traffic so he could make a left turn. Traffic was coming from the east to the west and we were driving west. Dude wanted to turn north. Okay, so that is probably confusing since some of my readers still read Larry Bovine and may use Leapfish. We were going this way -----> and opposing traffic was coming this way <-----. Now, the rest of us would look this way ----> so that we can see when it is clear. But this guy is smarter. He was looking to the left - away from oncoming traffic. So, he couldn't tell when it was clear to make the turn. So we sat and sat and sat because he apparently thought he should look to the left. UGH! Finally, he went and almost hit a car because he didn't know they were coming. ARGH!

4. Bicycle riders - and runners for that matter. Ok, ride with traffic, not against it. If you are coming from my right as I am trying to turn onto a road, I won't see you. We have all done it. You are going to pull out from a parking lot and go right onto a street. You are looking left (that is where traffic is coming from Mr. 3 above). Some guy on a bike is coming from your right and you start to pull out. You slam on the brakes and he flips you off. Really? It is my fault? Really? You are supposed to ride with traffic. If you are riding against traffic and get hit in this type of accident, it is your fault. And the gene pool will hopefully get a bit cleaner. As for runners, they have apparently decided it is safer to run in the street against traffic so they can see what is coming at them. Again, you run in front of my car while I am pulling out, and you are going to lose. A lot. Like, maybe your life. Run on the sidewalk and go with traffic. It is so much smarter - and safer. And remember, just say no to death.

5. The worst drivers - expensive cars and POS cars. For those of you who forgot my brilliant taste in music and POS cars, a reminder (WARNING: THIS SONG HAS ADULT LANGUAGE): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcSlvTT8GWM (WARNING: This song has adult language) I don't know who is worse - the lady driving the $80,000 BMW who thinks because her car costs as much as a small house, or an entire town in Nebraska, that we should all get out of her way, or the guy driving the 1972 Ford Pinto. Hey, I like a nice old car as much as anyone (and more than Jon and Tim, who sometimes have really bad taste in cars), but just because it is old does not make it cool. And just because it is a POS and you have nothing to worry about if you hit people, does not mean you can drive like a maniac. I mean, is it that hard to drive slower than 90 through a parking lot? Oh wait, your POS only goes up to 45. So, is it really hard to drive slower than 45 through a parking lot? Really? SLOW DOWN IN YOUR POS! And lady in your BMW, stop thinking your stuff don't smell. It smells - a lot. Just like the rest of us. And yours probably smells worse. We do not have to get out of your way just because your car costs more than the GDP of Myanmar. (For those of you not keeping score at home, that is the former Burma.)

Oh, and a bonus: DO NOT PUT ON YOUR MAKE UP IN YOUR CAR! Please?