Is driving really that hard?

Okay, tonight's topic is driving. Why? Because I do it a lot so I see a lot of really bad driving. Really bad. I mean, you would think these people had never taken a class on how to drive. It is almost like the car is a completely foreign concept to them. So, my top 5 driving frustrations:

1. No parking means no parking. Okay, that red painted curb you see? Red should be a sign to you when you are driving. It means stop. Don't. No. Nada. No way Jose. No can do. Yet, for some reason, some people think that because of there are no cars there, the red curb is just for them. They think it is some sort of valet. It is not. Red means you cannot park there. That is why the rest of us are not parked there. Oh, and the same goes for fire hydrants. If you park in front of a fire hydrant and there is a fire, not only should the fire department break your windows to get the hose to the hydrant, but they should then burn your car down. To the ground. Car-b-que style. Is it really that hard?

2. NASCAR fan. Okay, not you Mr. Police Officer who likes Nascar and goes to the races with me. You drive just fine. But, dude with the #3 window sticker on his car (by the way, I know it is sad Dale Earnhardt is dead, but so is Len Bias and you don't see people driving around with Len Bias stickers on their cars), you really need to stop channeling Earnhardt and start channeling safe driving. Look, Jeff Gordon doesn't have turn signals on the #24 so he doesn't have to use them. But, your car has them. And they are not optional - they are mandatory. If you are going to change lanes, take the 2 1/2 seconds and put on the turn signal so we can figure out what you are doing. Really, its just common courtesy.

3. Your eyes should be looking where your car is going. I was behind a guy tonight who was waiting for traffic so he could make a left turn. Traffic was coming from the east to the west and we were driving west. Dude wanted to turn north. Okay, so that is probably confusing since some of my readers still read Larry Bovine and may use Leapfish. We were going this way -----> and opposing traffic was coming this way <-----. Now, the rest of us would look this way ----> so that we can see when it is clear. But this guy is smarter. He was looking to the left - away from oncoming traffic. So, he couldn't tell when it was clear to make the turn. So we sat and sat and sat because he apparently thought he should look to the left. UGH! Finally, he went and almost hit a car because he didn't know they were coming. ARGH!

4. Bicycle riders - and runners for that matter. Ok, ride with traffic, not against it. If you are coming from my right as I am trying to turn onto a road, I won't see you. We have all done it. You are going to pull out from a parking lot and go right onto a street. You are looking left (that is where traffic is coming from Mr. 3 above). Some guy on a bike is coming from your right and you start to pull out. You slam on the brakes and he flips you off. Really? It is my fault? Really? You are supposed to ride with traffic. If you are riding against traffic and get hit in this type of accident, it is your fault. And the gene pool will hopefully get a bit cleaner. As for runners, they have apparently decided it is safer to run in the street against traffic so they can see what is coming at them. Again, you run in front of my car while I am pulling out, and you are going to lose. A lot. Like, maybe your life. Run on the sidewalk and go with traffic. It is so much smarter - and safer. And remember, just say no to death.

5. The worst drivers - expensive cars and POS cars. For those of you who forgot my brilliant taste in music and POS cars, a reminder (WARNING: THIS SONG HAS ADULT LANGUAGE): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcSlvTT8GWM (WARNING: This song has adult language) I don't know who is worse - the lady driving the $80,000 BMW who thinks because her car costs as much as a small house, or an entire town in Nebraska, that we should all get out of her way, or the guy driving the 1972 Ford Pinto. Hey, I like a nice old car as much as anyone (and more than Jon and Tim, who sometimes have really bad taste in cars), but just because it is old does not make it cool. And just because it is a POS and you have nothing to worry about if you hit people, does not mean you can drive like a maniac. I mean, is it that hard to drive slower than 90 through a parking lot? Oh wait, your POS only goes up to 45. So, is it really hard to drive slower than 45 through a parking lot? Really? SLOW DOWN IN YOUR POS! And lady in your BMW, stop thinking your stuff don't smell. It smells - a lot. Just like the rest of us. And yours probably smells worse. We do not have to get out of your way just because your car costs more than the GDP of Myanmar. (For those of you not keeping score at home, that is the former Burma.)

Oh, and a bonus: DO NOT PUT ON YOUR MAKE UP IN YOUR CAR! Please?

My favorite police department

Okay, I won't name the department. But how is this for your tax dollars at work? Our car was parked in front of the elementary school a few weeks ago. We end up with a parking ticket. Why? The registration tab was missing. (For those of you not in California, on our license plate, we get a sticker for the month of registration and then a colored sticker for the year. So, 2007 was yellow, 2006 was orange, etc.... This way the cops can see if your car is registered by the color of the sticker.)

Now, why is this a problem? Our car had a blue sticker on it. Someone cut it off. How do I know? A - the car was registered and 2) the blue sticker is still on, or at least the outline where it was cut off. Apparently, people who don't register their car steal these things. So, instead of looking at the blue on the license plate or say, checking on his computer, the cop ticketed me. Apparently, that recession is really effecting us in California.

I appealed it in writing. I lost. Ridiculous. The CSO, not even a real cop, wrote an explanation completeing ignoring my evidence - namely, the picture! I sent them an 8 1/2 x 11 picture showing the blue sticker!!! So, I demanded an in person hearing. Its my right dang it.

Today, the PD called me. They wanted to know if I really, really wanted a hearing. Like, suddenly they were going to talk me out of it. I guess they thought the lawyer in me would be scared of a hearing. Like I don't do that every day of my life. I live for court. Its a rush. But, you know, maybe I was going to be scared of the PD telling me that they were upholding the ticket of their own cop. Seriously, my odds of not paying this are worse than Barry Bond's odds of ever getting normal size testicles. Those shrunken things are going to come back to regular size as quickly as the police decide their own ticket isn't valid.

But I told her I was going to fight it. She told me that the CSO gave me a very detailed explanation. Sure, it was detailed and ignored the evidence. I guess the OJ jury gave a detailed explanation as well - but ignored the evidence as well. I mean, this is a bit like believing something Bud Selig has to say about baseball - you never know if it is right or wrong but it will clearly ignore the problem.

So, I am going to have my hearing. Of course, they owe me $50 back because the CSO who was so detailed told me the wrong amount to send in with my request for a hearing. Really, how detailed can you be if you couldn't get the fine amount correct?

And I don't trust them to rip up my check so I told them to mail it back to me.

The Un Apology

So, we all know a good apology. "Honey, I am sorry I did not take out the garbage." Or in sparring as Tim would say to me "I am sorry I kicked you below the belt. You know I cannot get my kick above ankle high." A good apology does wonders. You can make the other person feel better. You make yourself feel better. The world is a tiny bit better.

Then there is the un apology. What is an un apology? It looks like an apology. It has some of the parts of an apology. But, it is not real. It is a fake. It is like those purses you see on the corner of 4th and Broadway in NYC.

This comes up because I am on a list for attorneys. There are 3,500 people or so on the list. The list has a few rules, including no spam. So, some guy joins and spams the list. People call him on it. Then he gives an un apology. He states that he is sorry for spamming people, but then goes into a pitch about how great his company is. Yes, Total Practice Management Association thinks this qualifies as an apology. So, in the spirit of Kevin's un apology, here are my top 5 un apologies:

1. To Bodine, L - "I am sorry I called you all of those names like Larry Bovine or my favorite Larry BVDine. I really should have explained to people that my left testicle forgot more about how to run a small law firm that you have ever known - combined - in your whole life."

2. To the guy going in to the tanning salon - "I am sorry for insinuating that you are a twerp for going in to a tanning salon. It turns out a lot of body builders go in to a tanning salon. Of course, I can do a one leg squat with more weight than you can lift with all of your twerp-like muscles combined. Oh, and let me see you parent your kid one day. Oh wait, you don't have kids."

3. To the punks from baseball practice - "I am sorry for calling you punks. I really meant to call you dumb*** mother******ing c***s***ing pieces of s*** bastar** who should be taken out back and whooped followed by being stoned (and not the drug kind) and then tarred and feathered since you think you are so tough."

4. To the lawyer with the sunglasses - "I am sorry for implying you are a conceited know it all. Really, you are a conceited son of a b**** who thinks his s*** doesn't smell and should be dunked in dung until you realize that most high school graduates are smarter than you and most 4th graders have better people skills than you."

5. Finally, to to the guy at Leapfish - "I am sorry for saying you have the worst sales call ever. The worst sales call ever really goes to the lady who followed up from your company and, after admitting she had heard of my prior post, still continued her efforts to sell me on your service. That was truly the worst sales call ever, but it is still your fault for thinking I am not that good at my job."

Now, as a bonus, my un apology to Kevin: "I am sorry for saying that your un apology was not sincere. I am sure you were sincerely trying to get more work. You should just get better at it."

If you think I owe you an un apology, just let me know.

Park Fights

So I am at baseball practice tonight with my son. The kids are 7 or so. There are 11 kids at practice and the parents. So, maybe about 30 people total. This is a nice park. The parents are talking. Over at the basketball court, 4 guys are playing 2 on 2 - and not very well. A group of about 8 to 10 people walk past the basketball court. They get about 30 yards away when we hear them exchanging words with the guys who were playing. One guy playing basketball takes off his shirt and starts running his mouth - and not very well. (Trust me - as a guy who runs a LOT of smack, if you are going to do it, it better be good. Go funny or go home!)

And it goes downhill from there. The group walks over to the basketball players. Words are exchanged. I call 911. And it gets worse! While I am on the phone, a car pulls up. A guy pulls out a gun and sticks it down his pants. He speeds off. The big group goes away. The 4 guys playing basketball jump in their car and leave.

Okay, now you have the facts. Ready for the rant?

First, who the hell gets in a fight at a playground anymore? Didn't that stop in the 80s? I mean, sure kids at elementary school are playing and start pushing and shoving. But, these guys were in high school and were going to fight in a park. Can you name anything more lame than that? Well, okay, besides Cheney shooting someone while hunting.

Second, a guy comes up with a gun? I mean, if you are dumb enough to get into a fight, why are you bringing a gun? I know - so you can show everyone how tough you are. Having a gun doesn't make you tough. It makes you a coward. A big fat piece of crap coward. A big fat piece of crap low life coward.

Third, who calls your boy and tells him to bring a gun to a fight? If you are tough enough to get in a fight, take your whooping like a man. Don't have your boy bring a gun. You are the tough guy who took off your shirt to show your muscles. So, stand there and let the 8 people in the other group kick your backside up one side of the park and down the other. I mean, really, if you think you are that great of a fighter, then stand there and fight.

Fourth, when you take off your shirt to show everyone your muscles, you are really screaming "Look at me. I am a girly man. I must show off my body." The baddest guys I know don't walk around showing anyone their muscles. And they can kick most people's rumps no matter how much junk they have in their trunk. The guy who has to show everyone is doing it to put on an act. And it is a bad act. If I wanted to see a shaved chest that you oiled up to look cool, I would watch bodybuilding contests on ESPN 16. But, I don't want to see that so I stick to ESPN 1 through 10.

Seriously, this is ridiculous. A fight at a park with kids playing baseball. And a guy bringing a gun. You are all dumbasses. My left testicle is smarter than all 15 of you - combined. No wait, that is not fair. I think it is my right one that is smarter than all 15 of you combined. Of course, it is academic since I don't think most of you know your right from your left.

Here is an idea: if you want to fight, do it in your house. And if you want your boy to bring his gun, he should shoot you first.

PS to the Police: I still don't know what kind of gun it was. My peeps don't carry guns.

Larry Bodine is a Marketing Goon

So I get this unsolicited email from this guy Larry Bodine about Avvo. Avvo may be the greatest thing for lawyers since the invention of a laptop. (Full Disclosure: I have no interest in Avvo, financial or otherwise.) However, Larry Bovine says that Avvo has no credibility. This is coming from a guy who is a "marketing consultant."

Stein's Dictionary - consultant - n - one who tells others how to do what he cannot do. Usage: That consultant is telling me how to run my law practice when he doesn't even know how to run a law practice.

So, since Larry wants to tell us why Avvo has no credibility, here is my top 10 list of reasons why Bodiner has no credibility:

10. He charges attorneys for access to an email marketing list. Yes, and he calls it successful. I guess it is successful if you measure success by putting money in his pocket. I run two marketing lists for attorneys that are FREE! Yes, mine are FREE and have access to some of the smartest marketing folks in the country.

9. Bodine is not on my marketing lists. When I say my, I mean I am just the dufus who took on the responsibility of running the list. I have no ownership interest in it. It is, like Mt. Everest, there.

8. Bodine has a picture that makes me think "1984." No, not the movie. Look at the dude's picture on his website. If the feathered hair does not tell you that he is stuck in the 80s, then the collar on his shirt does!

7. Apollo Business Development? Isn't Apollo from the 60s? Or did the Apollo theater give him the idea? Oh wait, that is not around either. Is there anything still around called Apollo? Anything? Bueller?

6. He was named "Technolawyer Legal Technology Consultant of the Year." Isn't that like being named Head Dungeon Master of the Year? Or maybe it is "Longest Title of the Year Winner of a Contest Sponsored by a Company who Wants Their Name in the Title of the Award and gave it to the Winner of the Company Named Award?" Just wondering.

5. He "conducts market assessments?" The key to this is closely reading the first three letters of the last word in quotes. Isn't that a bit like making an assumption? Here is a market assessment: consumers use Avvo. Thus, attorneys should use Avvo. Dang it - now I gave it away for free. You all owe me $15,000 for my market assessment. Make checks payable to "Thank Goodness I don't call myself a business development advisor or I would shoot myself."

4. He uses the word "Rainmaker" in a sentence when not quoting from John Grisham. Really, does anyone use the word "Rainmaker" if you are a real conversation? Do normal people use that word? Of course not. Heck, most attorneys do not use it.

3. He quotes from an article with a guy who wants to sue someone - immediately. Okay, I understand there is a time and place to sue people. After all, it is what I do. But, I try to resolve disputes in a friendly way first. The guy who BVDine quotes starts with talking about suing people. Sheesh. Don't we have enough lawsuits? (Oh, memo to attorney who wants to sue Avvo: if you have been disciplined, even if you have "resolved it," the public has a right to know.)

2. He has no idea what most of the lawyers in this country do yet professes to tell us. Look, he has consulted with 3,000 attorney firms down to 25 member "boutique" firms. Great for all of those people with money to throw away. Voipdine apparently does not realize that most attorneys in this country are solo and small firm practitioners. That means 5 attorneys and under. Yet, he, who has never worked with us based on his own website, is going to tell us that a tool that a lot of use and like has no credibility? Isn't that like me telling George Clooney how to play Danny Ocean in Ocean's 14?

1. He is jealous. He is just upset that he did not come up with this first. How can you tell? Because he thinks people care what he thinks. He thinks it is important to tell people HIS opinion. Dude, your opinion isn't worth the paper it is written on. Oh wait, you are too cool to write. I am sure you dictate. It is not worth the MP3 file it is saved in.

I feel better now.

EDIT: Bonus Coverage: This is like watching March Madness and then there is a close game somewhere else and they cut away:

0. Bodine feels Americans are lazy. Per Bovine's blog: "America needs to wake up and stop being lazy...." Really? We do. Hey Lar, can I call you Lar?, come spend a day with my laziness. I am sure you will find that I am just a lazy bum. I prefer you come on a Friday - sparring day! But, you could come on a day like today where I worked all day and then went and taught taekwondo lessons. I am sure I am lazy. I know, I am the exception, not the rule? Right. If you think we are lazy, go find your clients elsewhere.

-1. Bodine frequently finds use of the N word funny. No, not that N word. The N word that describes Hitler's regime. Apparently, there is some joke he found about Bush Bimbo, er, Limbaugh, and Nazis. Of course, he also thinks the best elevator speech ever answers the question of what you do for a living with "I am a Nazi medical researcher." Really? That's funny. I know, Bopuke is going to say that he has Jewish blood in him. Oh, by the way, there is no such thing as "Jewish blood." It is a religion - not a nationality. But it is not funny. Never. Ever. If you think that is funny you are a bigger moron than the douche who questioned by parenting skills while going in to a tanning salon!

I believe the consensus is in: Larry Bodine is to lawyers like Scott Boras is to baseball agents - he thinks he is better than he is and most of the people he works with cannot stand him.

My Parenting Skills

Memo to the Dou**ebag going in to the tanning salon tonight:

First, you are a guy and you are tanning? Really? You think it helps. Your guy hanging out over your belt is really what sticks out. The fact that you are soft and pudgy is what the women see. You can have a tan like Ricardo Montalban and it won't help you get a date. Lose some weight. Go on a diet. Try the gym.

Second, you really want to question my parenting skills? Let's leave out for a fact that it is none of your damn business what I am saying to my kid. You have no idea who I am. You do not know who my son is. You should not stop and stare. If you don't like how I am parenting my kid, go home to your sad, pathetic kid free life and bitch and moan to your roll playing friends. I am sure the Dungeonmaster is waiting to hear from you and you can tell him all about how I am such a nightmare parent.

And stopping and looking at a parent and their kid is creepy. Normal people don't do it. People with social skills don't do it. I would normally blame Asperger's, but you clearly did not have Asperger's. You had As*ho**rs. That is a newer disease defined as "suffering from being an a**h***." That is what you are.

When you decide to stop and stare, and you are asked to move on, just do it. Do not stay there. Do not start questioning me. My voice was not that loud. My kid was not crying. And my hands were next to me. There is not one single reason you needed to worry, you wanna-be George Michael. And don't ask if he is my kid. He wasn't screaming or yelling "You are not my daddy." You had absolutely no reason to think anything other than your self inflicted disease. Just because I have no hair and he is adorably cute and has curly hair does not mean he is not my kid, you insensitive bastard.

Finally, the next time someone tells you its not your problem and you should go in to your girly tanning salon, I would suggest you go in and get your spray on tan. You probably cry when you see a UFC fight. Did you ever notice that it is all girls going in to the tanning salon and you? There is a reason for that - MEN DO NOT TAN!

So get on with your pathetic life and do not worry about me. You are a worthless, no good role playing loser who should never have kids. Castration for you would really not be a strong enough punishment for your behavior.

What is the problem with lawyers?

Seriously. This is not a set up for a joke. What the heck is wrong with lawyers? Are we dumb? Stupid? Or do we have a God complex?

First, we have that dweeb from yesterday. He walked in with his sunglasses. On a rainy day. Sure, not a huge deal. But, his **** stinks like the rest of us. Don't think you are that cool.

Second, I have to deal with some numnuts who is in law school and gives out legal advice on a website. He tells people they have rights that just do not exist. His screen name ends in "JD". Um, news flash - JD stands for Juris Doctor. Especially when you tell people you study the law. If you have not graduated, you are not a JD. You may be a JD candidate, but you are not a JD. Oh, and suddenly blaming it on some mysterious partner is BS.

Then, I have to deal with a "law group" that does not disclose that the guy with the most experienced has been disciplined 3 times by the state bar for practicing while he was not authorized to practice law. That is called a no-no. Oh, and the state bar keeps suspending him and staying the suspension. Really? Is that the best we can do? The state bar is supposed to protect the public. If some guy who has a law license cannot figure out THREE times that he cannot practice while he is suspended, then he should be out. It is like baseball. Or committing felonies in the state of California. Three strikes and you are out.

Next, I get a call from a potential client who was told by another law firm that he had to hire them while he was on the phone and could not talk to his wife. It was a limited time offer. What? Is this Ron Freaking Popeil's law firm? If you call now, do you also get a free will? Or do they give you a Ginsu knife? Is there a guarantee? What the hell is that? A limited time offer? This is not Boiler Room with Giovanni Ribbisi or Two for the Money with Matthew McConaughey. It is the practice of law. It is a profession. It is supposed to be respected.

Finally, a law firm asked for authorization to get money directly from a client's account and had him record his approval. WTF? If a client pays me, it is with a check. A real, live check. Why would I want to have access to his account? Why do I need it? Even with a wire transfer, I do not need access to the sender's account. That makes you a used car salesman, or worse, a debt collector.

But, really, do we expect the public to respect us when we cannot even follow basic conventions of society? We are not better than our clients or anyone else. We happen to have gone to school for longer. That is it. I know plenty of people who have degrees and are dumb as a rock. I also know plenty of people who have no degree and are smarter than half of my law school class. Lawyer are people who are supposed to be professionals. We are not snake oil salesmen. We are not offering one time deals. We are offering to provide people with information, advice and counsel. Hence the expression "counselor at law."

This makes me sick. Really. The legal profession needs to be cleaned up.

Court Attire

I was at court today. Yes, I am an attorney. I was stunned by the way people were dressed. A few guidelines on wearing clothes to court:

1. If you are a party, dress like you are going to church. That means no jeans, no cut offs, no shorts. It also means a nice shirt - with a collar. Yes, a collar. Oh, and take off your dog collar, er, choker. Those earrings? If you are a woman, they are fine. If you are a guy, you can take them out for those few hours you are in court - especially if they are those gauge type that make holes in your ears. Why the heck do you even have those in the first place? They are ridiculous. Lame. You look like a loser. TAKE THEM OUT!

2. If you are an attorney, take off your sunglasses. Yes, dweeb, I am talking to you. The guy who was in court with me today. It was raining. Yes, raining. Cloudy. Rain. No sun. Even if I could believe you needed them on, you didn't need them on when you took the elevator up three floors and walked to the end of the hall. That was plenty of time to take off your $20 blu-block rip offs. You aren't Alex Roidriguez. Yes, Roidriguez. You are some attorney who can't freaking tell time. 10am hearing means 10am, not 11am. You are not so important that everyone should have to sit around and wait for you.

While we are on it, wear a suit. Yes, a suit. Not some $50 blazer you bought at J. Crew thinking it would make you cool. It doesn't. Once you are over 25, you should not shop at J. Crew anymore, unless they have a J. Clueless store near you for guys over 25 who think they are still in college. Get over yourself. Sheesh.

Quick Hits

Just a few random thoughts:

1. Ryan Seacrest - Memo to Ryan: your name is Ryan not Seacrest. You cannot just go by Seacrest. You are not Madonna or Pele. You are a freaking DJ who happened to get lucky by being on some show where people sing - badly.

2. Cars - Your car is not a beauty parlor. (I guess I am showing my upbringing. I think Californians call it a day spa.) It is a car. Drive it and put down the makeup.

3. White pants - Okay, so maybe I am old school, but the rule is no white pants between Labor Day (that is the day in September) and Memorial Day (that is the day in May). Maybe that is old fashioned. But, ladies, white pants in March with colored panties? Really? Do you think that is a good look? I don't want to see Kim Kardashian that way, wait, I don't want to see Kim Kardashian any way, but especially not that way. And I really don't want to see you that way.

4. A gallon of soda - KFC is now selling a gallon of soda. I went the other day for a medium Sprite. They offered to upsize me to a gallon. Who drinks a gallon of soda? I know you aren't sitting down with a gallon of milk and going to town at lunch. And milk is actually good for you!

5. National Memory Championships - First, why I am reading about this in Sports Illustrated? Having a memory is not a sport. It is called not having amnesia. Second, they are not "mental athletes." They are not athletes at all. They are folks who can remember things. Great, I can tell you about the 1979 NY Cosmos. That and $1.50 still only gets me a small coffee. Sheesh.

What the heck is Axe?

So I am at taekwondo class tonight. I am standing in line waiting for class to start and I smell something. I ask the women if they are wearing perfume. After all, it is sparring strategies night and I don't want to mix sweat with horrible smelling perfume. But, they all say it is not them.

Odd. We make it through class. I am taking off my gear and it smells. No, not my gear - the school. We have just had 20 people running, kicking and throwing a few punches in a warm, enclosed place. Out of nowhere, I smell that perfume again. I ask the women and none of them are wearing any. Then, I see the culprit.

To protect the guilty, I will call him Brian. Brian Adams. (His initials are B.A.) Brian is spraying this stuff that smells. I ask him what it is. It is his "Axe spray."

I have one thing to say: WTF? Seriously. Have you smelled this crap? It smells like a girl. Now, I like the smell of a girl - but ON A GIRL! I do not like the smell of a girl on a guy. Especially on a guy who was just sweating. The smell of sweat and girly flowers mixing makes he want to puke. A lot. For a long time.

It appears that teenage boys are using this stuff. Why? Really, why? While women may not like the smell of sweat, they understand it is a guy. Most women like the smell of a man. If they wanted a man who smelled like a woman, they would date a woman. And we have a word for that - lesbians. But, a straight woman wants a man who smells like a man, not a woman.

I thought the whole "metrosexual" craze was over. Sure, guys shave and put on lotion. Sure, we take care of ourselves. But there is no freaking need to smell like a woman. It is not manly. It is not masculine. It is not cool. It is girly. And if you are a girly man, then it is fine. But if you are a man, a man's man, a guy, or a dude, you should not smell like this Axe crap.

If the fine folks at Axe would like to send me a sample, please send it care of Brian Adams. I will make sure he and his high school friends get it so that they can smell like girls. If, on the other hand, the makers of Axe would like men to buy their products, try making it a bit more masculine smelling. Is that asking too much?

Chad's Playhouse

YUCK! Just start with that concept. YUCK!

First, the last famous playhouse belonged to PeeWee. We all know how that ended. Dude ended up in an adult movie establishment with his pants around his ankles and his little PeeWee, wait is that redundant?, in his hand. After that, do you really want to call anything a playhouse? For a certain generation, or maybe generations, it has negative connotations.

Second, this was on the back of a van. Not a minivan. Not one of those big 9 or 11 passenger vans. But, a Chester-mobile. Yes, a van conversion. An old van conversion. With blinds. The windows weren't just tinted, but he had blind's on them.

Oh, and he was not driving with his hand. He was using his elbow. And talking on the cell phone. God only knows what he was doing with that other hand. Now, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but he was driving a van conversion with a license plate frame that says "Chad's Playhouse."

This is like that Seinfeld episode with Fragile Frankie. You know, where Frankie gives Jerry a van and Jerry doesn't want it. Then they go to the woods and George's parents are found in the van partaking of adult activities. That is the last time, and maybe the first time, a van was used in a funny manner.

So, if you have "Playhouse," on the van, it just means one thing: perv. Chester. Sicko. Really. I mean, if my kid was walking past this van, I would pick him up and carry him past. I meant even have my friends Smith and Wesson with me as I do it. YUCK! Seriously.

But this one was better. He had a handicapped placard on the van. My thought: he used it to park closer to the stores so he had easier access to the people he wanted to get into the van.

YUCK!