Its Frickin Fast Food

I don't know about the rest of you, but once in a while I like me some good old fashioned fast food. I want two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion on a sesame seed bun. I want some Of The Taco fries. Man, those are good. I do not, repeat, NOT, want that crazy King guy. Have you seen the newest commercial? He is running through an office breaking windows to give someone food. WTF? Seriously. Dude looks like Chester. Yes, I mean Chester the Molester. He is one scary looking big headed made up dude. Seriously, the King makes Jack look like a normal person. I expect to see the King on some Discovery Health show: "Really tall, scary looking, big headed people."

Anyway, tonight we hit the KFC. You know, this used to be called Kentucky Fried Chicken. Well, we have the KFC/A&W. I like the A&W. I am a big root beer fan. Root beer is good. Very, very good. Anyway, so they changed the name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC to apparently appear healthier. Great. Good for them. Healthy is good. I appreciate a little good health once in a while. An apple a year keeps the doctor with fear. (Okay, not that funny, but its late and I am tired and still hungry.) But, this place was ridiculous tonight.

First, lets be clear. They call themselves quick serve restaurants. I call it fast food. The emphasis is on fast, not food. I like food. But if I wanted slow food, I would go to a sit down restaurant. You know, a place with lots of options, a waiter, tables, chairs and a price over $3.99 for a full meal. I want my food fast. Hence, the name fast food.

Second, I want what you have on your limited menu. Let's be honest about this: KFC has about 3 choices. Sure, I can get my chicken on a plate or in a sandwich, but its the same chicken. They throw it on mashed potatoes and call it a bowl. But its all just chicken. You either get it fried or you get it grilled. It is KFC after all. This one has burgers too, since it is also an A&W. But that limits it to about 5 choices. Its just a matter of how it is served. But it is still all the same.

So, tonight we went to get dinner. The misses wanted grilled chicken. Lets get a grilled chicken wrap. Okay. Easy enough. Mashed potatoes. Done with her. Um, we have a problem. They don't have grilled chicken. Huh? Doesn't that cut the menu in half. They have nothing with grilled chicken. Um, so we get a pot pie. Fine. I want some fancy box they have. Sure. It comes with grilled chicken. They have grilled chicken for that, but apparently they cannot put it in a wrap. Don't they have knives? Can't they cut the chicken up. Its KF CHICKEN! They do not have chicken? WTF?

Fine. So we finish ordering. We then go up and pay. She takes my money. Then she says "It is going to be 4 minutes. Is that okay?" Um, what the heck am I supposed to say now? No? You have my money, but it's not okay now. Seriously? Fine, I will wait. Oh, I need to go park? Sure. I am such a nice guy. I will go park.

2 minutes go by. 3 minutes. 4 minutes. 5 minutes. 6 minutes. This is ridiculous. I go in. Waiting, waiting, waiting.............finally someone comes up to the counter. Yes, you can help me. I placed an order and would like it. They go check. Oh, they are still working on it. Apparently the food was cooked - no one could put it in a box. Really? A box? It is not rocket science. I am pretty sure a 15 year old pimply kid with braces, greasy hair and bad BO can put the food in a box. How freaking hard can it be?

So finally they give me my food. Um, memo to KFC: It is fast chicken. Get some more chicken and make it fast. Otherwise, I have absolutely no reason to eat your food - ever. I could microwave a chicken breast and have it be better than waiting for bad chicken from people who can't put it in a box!

Quick Hits

Just a few random thoughts:

1. Ryan Seacrest - Memo to Ryan: your name is Ryan not Seacrest. You cannot just go by Seacrest. You are not Madonna or Pele. You are a freaking DJ who happened to get lucky by being on some show where people sing - badly.

2. Cars - Your car is not a beauty parlor. (I guess I am showing my upbringing. I think Californians call it a day spa.) It is a car. Drive it and put down the makeup.

3. White pants - Okay, so maybe I am old school, but the rule is no white pants between Labor Day (that is the day in September) and Memorial Day (that is the day in May). Maybe that is old fashioned. But, ladies, white pants in March with colored panties? Really? Do you think that is a good look? I don't want to see Kim Kardashian that way, wait, I don't want to see Kim Kardashian any way, but especially not that way. And I really don't want to see you that way.

4. A gallon of soda - KFC is now selling a gallon of soda. I went the other day for a medium Sprite. They offered to upsize me to a gallon. Who drinks a gallon of soda? I know you aren't sitting down with a gallon of milk and going to town at lunch. And milk is actually good for you!

5. National Memory Championships - First, why I am reading about this in Sports Illustrated? Having a memory is not a sport. It is called not having amnesia. Second, they are not "mental athletes." They are not athletes at all. They are folks who can remember things. Great, I can tell you about the 1979 NY Cosmos. That and $1.50 still only gets me a small coffee. Sheesh.