One Year

So today is it. Its the day I have dreaded for the last 365 days. Its 1 year since my mom died. Its 1 year since I lost my last parent. I dont have any more. And it sucks.

I sit here and I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel...........something. I am not quite sure what it is. I have had a full range of emotions today. I have had tears in my eyes. I have had rage and wanted to kick the crap out of someone. I still do want to kick the crap out of him. I felt happy, nostalgia. I dont know what it is.

I think I feel scared. Its odd. I bet if you took a poll of people who know me, people wouldnt guess that. Hell, I talked to 30, 40 people today. I bet none of them knew there was an issue. But, my dad died at 62. My mom at 70. What the hell? Its not like these were freak accidents or something that can be explained. Heart attack. Cancer. What does that mean for my future? Am I really down to 30 or so years? Less than that?

I dont know what to think. I have no family, other than my wife and kids. (Yes, they are my family, but you know what I mean.) My sister is dead. My brother doesnt talk to me. My aunts and uncles think I am the devil. Hell, not even my cousins like me. I dont know what it is. Wait, yes, I do. They dont like the decisions I have made. Well, fuck them. I dont always like the decisions I have made either. But they are my fucking decisions.

They all sit and judge me. Jon didnt do this right, Jon didnt do that right. Well, walk a fucking mile in my shoes. Hell, walk half a mile. My dad understood my decisions. I knew when he passed away life would get more difficult with my mom. Its not her. Its us. She and I. We are both stubborn and both know we are always right. Well, sometimes being right is stupid. I know that know. I didnt know that 10 years ago. Live and learn, right?

So I sit here. The Zombies came on the radio. (If you dont know who they are, listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfwFpRnOeGg) I thought back to my high school days, driving my dad to the beach, listening to his oldies. I miss those days. They are gone, gone, gone.

So I dont know. Am I supposed to sit here and cry? Am I supposed to think back to the good times and smile? My mom once bought me a candy bar because I had to have a thorn taken out of my freaking foot. That was funny. My dad once caught me ditching school - I did it one freaking time and I got caught. But he let it go. I sit here now and I dont know what to do.

Its been a year. I miss my mom. Strange, since we were never that close. But I miss her. I miss knowing she was there. I miss knowing that she was around.

What the fuck? Is this how it is supposed to be? I feel bad for my wife and kids. I havent been pleasant the last few days. And Monday is my dad's 72nd birthday. But I wont be with my wife because of some fucking piece of crap attorney who cant fucking read the English language but could pass the bar exam.

So I sit and sit and think. And I cry a bit. And I miss them. And I worry. And I realize life will go on. It may get easier. It may not. But life goes on................Oh, and I am one lucky dumbass sometimes for having an amazing wife, great kids and friends who put up with me nonsense.

Some thoughts

I was driving home this evening and I had some thoughts. I was getting sad and I wasn't quite sure why. Or, as is more likely, I didn't want to admit why.

Its been over a year since I last saw my mom - ever. I won't be able to see her anymore. I guess in pictures. I guess in my memories. Her taking me to soccer games. Her at my wedding. Things like that. But I can't call her up and talk to her. I can't say hi. I can't tell her anything.

Now, we weren't close since my dad died. But she was still my mom. And she still IS my mom, but she isn't here. It sucks.

And do you know what makes it suck more? Attorneys. Lawyers. Cocksuckers at law. Okay, not every attorney. I have a few attorneys who are friends, a few more who are acquaintances, some who I just know and don't hate. But do you know how many assholes go into the legal profession?

Let me see if I can count............1,000, 2,000, 3,000, more. I can't even count. And apparently they have all decided to be on th opposite end of cases I take. I guess its my luck. Or bad luck. Or crappy luck.

Why are these folks assholes? Are they born that way? No. I don't think they are. I think it comes down to two other factors.

1. They have no actual real life experience. They went to high school, worked at making crappy , greasy pizza, then went to college where they smoked more dope than I have seen in my life, then went to law school where they drank like fish - and I don't mean water. These folks think the JD after their names means they are bad-asses. It doesnt. The JD means nothing other than you were dumb enough to keep going to school after you graduated from college. Or you couldn't get a job and had to go back to school to avoid paying back your student loans so you decided law school was the way to go. Why law school? Because business schools wouldn't take you because you didnt have any real world experience. Its jackasses who think that they graduated college so they are automatically qualified to go to law school that act this way.

2. These folks know no pain. To them, their life is one big fucking party. They have never lost someone they loved. They have never experienced the death of a parent, a child, a spouse. They have never dealt with pain. Because those of us who have dealt with loss, we know that there is no point in being a fucking loser to other human beings. I may occasionally be a pain in the ass to a debt collector. I may jerk with them once in a while. But I will never treat them like they are lower than me. Just so we are clear, my law degree makes me no more and no less special than anyone else, be it the CEO of Apple or GE, or the homeless guy walking down the street with all of his life's belongings in a stolen shopping cart. All it does is let me use what I have learned to help people. Actually, it doesnt let me do that. I choose to do that. Why do I choose this? Because I have SHMUCK tattooed across my forward. I like helping people. I actually think I am doing some good in the world. I must be the biggest sucker in the world. UGH! What the hell am I thinking? Sadly, I won't change. I will keep representing real people.

So here I sit. Sad and not happy, feeling the loss more than I have in a while. Do you know what its like to be in your mid 30s and be parentless? Its such a crappy feeling. And writing about it doesnt help this time. FUCK this sucks.

I pity the next attorney who calls me and decides to be an asshole to me. You want to fuck with me and my clients? Fine. I wont fuck back. I promise you that. I will work harder than you. I will work smarter than you. I will kick your scrawny little ass across one side of the courtroom and back across the other side. You aren't fucking special because of your law degree - instead of being a cocksucker, you are an educated cocksucker. Is that clear?

On Relationships

Its Ides of March - 14 today. (Really? I have to explain that joke. If I have to explain it, then it isn't funny. But this one is funny. Or maybe just to me.)

So here is what I have been thinking about today - a lot. Relationships. All kinds of relationships. And I discovered something. You get out of it what you put into it. Or, at least, you should. You want equal value, right? Like if I am going to buy a hamburger and it costs $4 it better be a good one. If it costs $10, it better be really fucking good. Like, YUM good. But if I buy a $10 burger and it tastes like a Big Mac, I am going to be one unhappy, hungry guy. And you don't want to see me unhappy and hungry. That is a bad combination.

But think about your relationships. How many of them are equal? Are you the person who is getting more than you are giving? Or, maybe worse, are you the person giving and giving and giving and not getting anything back? It is better to give than receive, I think. But does that work in relationships?

Are you the friend who everyone comes to when they need $20? Are you the friend who is always there to change the flat tire (do people even change their own tires anymore?) or drive them to the store?

I guess what I have realized is that I have too many relationships where I give and do not receive. (Yes, clearly this is directed at certain people and those people won't even know who they are.) Look, I don't mind helping out. I don't mind doing something to help a friend. But shouldn't there be more to it than calling me when you need something? If I am a friend, shouldn't it be more than the text message asking me to do something?

I have actually unfriended people from Facebook because they bugged too much. But then I go back and I still have 403 "friends." Now some of these people are people I know professionally. Some of them are people who I knew growing up. I will give them a break. But some of these people claim to be friends but never have anything to say unless it starts with "Can I.......?" As in, can I borrow $20? Or "Can I get you to do this for me?"

Do I really want these people in my life? Do I need them? I don't think so. I think I am going to start thinking about these relationships more. While I dont expect it to be 50/50 all the time, if its more like 70/30 most of the time, its probably time to end the relationship. Some food for thought for me.............

Kaddish

So it has come. The end of the time for saying Kaddish. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, go read here: http://www.jewfaq.org/death.htm) So what I have learned over the last 11 months?

I have no fucking clue. Its been 11 months. Reflection. Thought. Some prayer. (Yes, I do believe in prayer.) I think there are some things that I am sure I did right and some things I am pretty sure I screwed up. In no particular order............

If I could go back in time, I still wouldn't tell my mom about Tyler. She was dying. It wasn't her burden to carry, it was mine. She had already dealt with the loss of her spouse, her only daughter, her parents. She didn't need to deal with the stress of a child who is troubled. She had enough on her plate. I get it. And, even though I believe in my heart it caused some difficulty between us, I wouldn't change it. She needed to focus on herself, her well being, her ability to fight this crappy disease.

I still would want to be put out of my misery. I saw the suffering in person on our last visit to her. I saw her smile and sit with my baby. I saw her struggle to get out of bed and sit with us. I saw her talk. I saw how much it hurt. Life is a matter of quality, not quantity. If someone can live to be 100 and be healthy and not in pain, then great. I am all for that. If someone is 60 and is in constant pain and can't have the quality of life that he/she wants, then there is a place for helping those people get out of that pain. We can give people pot for pain, but we can't help end a life of someone who is cognizant and has made a decision that life is too painful and too difficult to continue? I don't mean suicide or depression, but I mean someone who is sick, knows he is dying and wants to end the pain. If it were me, I would want to be put out of the pain.

I would have spent more time with my mom. I wasn't a great son. I know. I was pretty good when I was younger. I was respectful. I did my best - except in school. I wasn't trouble. I think I was successful in her eyes. Whatever else you think of me, and opinions vary widely, I have a great family, most people like me and I have a decent job. But when my dad passed away, the tension between my mom and me was difficult to break. He was the go between. He kept tensions down. And then he was gone. And I dont think we knew, either of us, how to interact without him there. Maybe its a failing of mine. Maybe its just how my family was. I don't know.

Then my mom's sister, I refuse to call her my aunt, made a comment about how my dad's passing was a blessing. That set me off and I wanted my mom to stand up for my dad. She didn't want to cause problems with her sister. She let it slide. That was odd. My mom always fought - with me, with the principal, with anyone who wronged her family. Interestingly, I am very much like her in that way. And now, when I needed her to do it, she backed off. I think that had an effect on our relationship. I see that now. Had I seen it then, maybe I could have talked to her about it. But I didnt. Maybe I didn't have perspective. Maybe I was being short sighted. Maybe I was too pissed off. I dont know. But now that chance is gone.

I would have learned more. My 5th grader was doing a heritage project. I didnt have answers to his questions. Where do we come from? What good stories are there? I know my dad's stories. I know most of my mom's stories. But I don't know my story. I dont know my family's story. Now I am sitting here, pushing 40, not knowing enough about my family. That bothers me.

I would still have no regrets. My life isnt perfect. Some of it, no a lot of it, is my fault. I understand that. I take responsibility for what I have done. I have made decisions. There are consequences. I have to live with them. I get it. But I dont have regrets. No, I have one. One regret that will never change. When my dad was in the hospital, I never went. I know, I know. He was going to be released. They said he was fine. But he wasn't fine. He passed away. I never got that last chance to talk to him and see him. That is my one regret.

But I dont regret the rest of it. I did what I could. I tried. I was the best son I knew how to be. Now I am the best dad I know how to be. I am not perfect. I dont want to be perfect. I dont need that burden. I need to be me, however that is.

So, 11 months of Kaddish. 11 months of reflection. I miss my mom. Even though I didnt talk to her often, I miss her. She isnt here. There is a security blanket that is gone and is never coming back. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have had to grow up a lot in the last 11 months, not just because of this, but it has been harder with this.

So, I leave you with this. I love you mom. I miss you. Thank you for being the best mom you could be. I appreciate that more than you know.

Thoughts on Family

I don't know where to start. Do I write about the end of the period of mourning? Do I write about the challenges in life? Do I write about 2nd chances? How about the value of a run in clearing my head? I don't know. So lets see where this road takes us.

Its been a challenge, this life. Not every day, but a lot of days. 4 kids are a lot to deal with in a perfect world. Add in a little mental illness and its a mess some days. I miss Tyler so much. He isn't here and its different. He hasn't been here in years, but this feels different. Not permanent, but the distance is too great. I can't see him every week. I can't take him to Red Robin or even to the house to play.

And I feel like I have lost control. I can't make decisions. Decisions are being made for us - without us. It hurts. I am still his father. Alison is still his mother. We are his parents. We have been from the beginning. It should be my decision. Its not, but it should be.

Then, I look over and I see my wife going through a book with the baby. The baby...........I don't understand her. Why is she here? Is she proof that there is a God? During my run, I listened to Live - not live music, Live, the band. Listen to their song Heaven. "I don't need no one to tell me about heaven/I look at my daughter, and I believe."

I wasn't always religious. I mean, I was, but I didn't always have a place for God. I don't mean a place like Tim Tebow. Nothing wrong with Tebow, its just not my way. But I was 29 when my dad died and I was a pissed off 29 year old. I was upset with so many things. But, mostly with myself for not having been there for him that last week.

Then my baby was born. It changed my view. She was a reminder that there was a God, if not God, then a power, a something that I can't explain. She wasn't supposed to be. It was not just against the odds, but it was impossible. And yet, I look over and there is the most amazing, most beautiful 2 year old in the whole world.

I heard the other day that people need hope. People who have hope will survive, will pull through the difficult times. I forgot that for a while. I lost hope. There were some bad days, some sad days. But my baby - she reminded me there is hope. So maybe she doesn't prove there is a God, maybe she just proves there should always be hope. Should I have named her Hope?

A lot going on lately............There have been mistakes made. There have been times when I have questioned my ability to think, my judgment, myself. There have been times when I have wondered about who I am. Then I look at my baby and I realize I am who I am.

I see now that I am lucky. Lucky for my family. Its hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Whats wrong with people

Three events today that made me think what the hell is wrong with people? I really wonder sometimes. How hard is it to just think for a second or be kind for a second? Or just not be a douche bag.

So there is some "rapper" (I use that term loosely and I sure as hell wouldnt call him a musician) Wiz Khalifa. I dont know if he thinks he is a wizard or not. Maybe he thinks Harry Potter is real. Maybe he thinks that you can be a real, live wizard. I dont know. Maybe, he just has to pee a lot. Anyway, he has this song "Young, Wild & Free." Okay, don't tell me I am old. The entire song is about getting drunk and getting high. And they play it on the radio. Actual lyrics: So what we get drunk?/So what we smoke weed?/We’re just having fun/We don’t care who sees."

Hey, I am all in favor of having a drink now and then. You want to get wasted? Be my guest. I have been drunk a few times. Not my cup of tea, but I don't hold it against anyone who wants to. Some of my really good friends get drunk, plastered, hammered. I get it. But we are now going to openly sing songs about rolling joints and sharing them? And this is fine for the radio? We have to bleep out bitch and asshole, but we can sing "we smoke weed" and that is acceptable?

Ignore for a minute whether we want to have songs about weed. They have been around since the 60s. Fine. But we are going to glorify smoking dope, something that, last time I checked, is illegal in this country (unless you have a "doctor's" prescription in California). Snoop Dog and Bruno Mars (who has already been arrested once for possession of coke) singing about smoking marijuana is fine? And the radios want to play this? I am so glad I talked to my kids last night about how drugs are bad. Now I get to explain to them that they are bad, but its okay to sing about it. Sheesh.

Then I get an email from a "friend." He referred a case to me. Long story short, there is a small disagreement. I write an email today to a list we are both on asking for some help on something. The response I get is that he is surprised I have time to do this since I havent gotten back to him.

First, you are in NY and there is a 3 hour time difference. So I tried, but your voice mail system sends it right to voice mail at 5:01 your time - which is only 2pm my time. Second, you called me at 6am my time. Maybe 630. IN THE MORNING! I'm sorry. I dont answer my phone that earlier unless its my wife or someone I know is calling with an emergency - and that means they are calling me at home. Third, you would think after 5 or 6 years of knowing each other, someone would have the courtesy to say "Hey, I havent heard back from you. I am a bit worried. Everything okay?" Apparently, I am wrong.

I know I have done this when its been a while since someone has been in touch, especially someone who I thought I was going to hear from. It had been a few weeks since I heard from a friend. I sent him a short note. Nothing fancy. Turns out he was in the middle of a crisis. I didnt need a lot of details. I sure as hell didnt need prodding. I did need to talk to him, but instead of saying "Hey, why didnt you get back to me" I asked if everything was okay because he had been quiet. I thought that was the right thing to do. I guess I was wrong.

And just so we are clear, yeah, I have bigger issues in life right now than the thing we are dealing with. I dont talk about most of it. I dont even know how to talk about it. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. So how the hell am I supposed to tell you about it? My friends now. My acquaintances dont. I have started to blog about it, but I stop. I cant complete it.

Maybe I fucked something up in the cosmic universe. Maybe this is karma for not telling my mom everything. Maybe this is just my draw in life. I dont know. I will figure it out this summer. But as one human being to another, I care more about whether you are okay then I do about the other crap. I guess that is wrong. From now on, I am going to care about making a buck over everything else. You call me up and dont really need to hire me? Pay me anyway. Show me the fucking money. Thats my new approach. I want to make as much money as I can. I want to have so much money that Juicy J renames the song about me. (Oh, google it, old folks.) Thats it. That is the meaning of life. Make as much money as you can and dont worry about people.

Fuck it. Thats not me. So, I guess I will go on worrying about my friends, acquaintances, colleagues and others and put the money end of it 2nd. Maybe that makes me the douchebag. I am fine with it. And, no, I dont care that I didnt get back to you right away. I was dealing with my own issues, which clearly are not as important as your money.

Then, we get to the idiot winners today. So I am driving down the street and there are these three kids in a Scion xA. Speeding up the road, slamming on the brakes, swerving all over 3 lanes. Ha ha, thats funny. No its not. So I grabbed my phone and called the police. I gave them the license plate, a description and told them where these morons were going. Apparently, these idiots figured out I was calling the police and rolled down their windows yelling at me, wanting to fight me. They turned, I went straight.

Most of you are lucky. You dont know it, but you are. You never have to deal with someone who died in a car accident. You dont see pictures. You dont see family members grieving. You dont see the aftermath. I have been dealing with the results of car accidents since I was 21 years old. Some arent bad. Some are awful.

I have seen pictures that I wont even begin to describe. I have seen grown men cry when they lose a wife, a child, a friend, in a car crash. I have seen kids lose parents, parents lose kids. I have talked to these people. I have friends who have lost siblings, parents in crashes. I have tried to put a dollar figure on what their loss is. It sucks. Its not possible.

These fucking idiots should lose their licenses. Not just the drive. All 3 of them. You sit in a car where your idiot friend is driving like that and you laugh and encourage it, you are as big an idiot as your friend is. You are a moron. A douchebag. I dont even have a word to describe you. What the hell is wrong with you?

Even your piece of crap Scion xA that should be blown up because its such a crappy car can kill someone. I told my boys, who were in the car with me, if they ever drive like that, I will take their licenses and cut them up. I will take the car keys. They will be done. I dont care if they are 16 or 18 or 21 or 25. You think your car is a toy? You are a fucking moron who needs to go spend a few hours at the morgue. Go out with the cops to see what an accident looks like.

Yes, so you Mr. White Scion with MAG in the license plate, you are a fucking piece of crap. I wanted to kick the shit out of you, but my kids were with me and a punk like you probably carries a gun with you. So I will let the cops deal with it. I hope one day you realize that your car isnt something to joke around with. I doubt you will learn that lesson until its too late. Oh, and tell your friends to hit the dentist and the barbershop. Teeth help if you are going to yell at someone and threaten to fight them. Otherwise, your boy sounds like Mike Tyson but looks like Carlton.

So there you go. Three examples of douchebags in one day. I am going "dancin' on the edge of the Hollywood sign."

Actual Conversation with a Debt Collector

I got a call from a debt collector today. This is the actual conversation. Honest. Okay, I changed the name of the debt collector. His name is not Mr. Bill. And my client is not Mrs. X, but her name is confidential.

Ring........ring.........ring.............

Me: This is Jonathan.
Debt collector: This is Mr. Bill. I am calling about our mutual client Mrs X.
Me: I'm sorry. You are representing Mrs X too? In what capacity?
DC: Well, um, we represent Y debt collection agency.
Me: Oh, see I represent Mrs X so she is my client. She is not your client.
DC: Yes, but she owes us money.
Me: If you say so.
DC: How would she like to resolve this?
Me: You should just go away.
DC: Excuse me?
Me: You should just go away.
DC: Is she refusing to pay?
Me: No.
DC: So how would she like to resolve this?
Me: You should just go away. I thought I said that before.
DC: I dont understand.
Me: Look, she hasnt worked in over a year. She has no money to pay you.
DC: She can borrow money from her friends or family.
Me: Um, yeah, they dont have any money either. She is in significant debt and has had a medical emergency. There is no money.
DC: We can just take a small payment.
Me: Okay, here is what I will do. I will give you $50 out of my account to make this go away.
DC: So a $50 down payment?
Me: No. $50. Total.
DC: We can't accept that. The balance is $6,500.
Me: Well, you can take my $50 or you will never get any money.
DC: Are you filing bankruptcy for her?
Me: No.
DC: I dont understand.
Me: I am not a bankruptcy attorney. I don't file bankruptcy.
DC: Then why are you representing her?
Me: I sue debt collectors.
DC: What?
Me: I sue debt collectors. You know, people like you.
DC: Well she still has to take care of the balance.
Me: Okay, apparently I was not clear. My client hasnt worked in over a year. She has medical bills from a medical emergency. She has no money. I will give you $50 now or you can get nothing later.
DC: $50 is not enough.
Me: Then I guess nothing is better.
DC: She has to pay us money.
Me: Great. I will give you $50 right now.
DC: So she is refusing to pay?
Me: No. I will give you $50 to settle the account right now.
DC: That is not reasonable.
Me: Well, its $50 or nothing.
DC: So she is refusing to pay?
Me: (Audible sigh) I am sorry. Am I not clear? I guess I need to call my high school speech coach and apologize to him. I guess I was not paying attention in class because clearly I am not making myself understood. (slowly now) My client has no money. She has not worked in over a year. She has had a medical issue. I will pay you $50 now or you will get nothing later.
DC: So she will pay $50 down?
Me: No. Seriously, I dont know how to make this any clearer. I feel like I am speaking a different language.
DC: She needs to pay this.
Me: Let me try one last time. She has no money. I am her attorney. I sue debt collectors. However, I am willing to pay you $50 to go away and never be heard from again. If you won't take my $50 then I would suggest you close the file because you will never get a dime out of this woman. I promise you that.
DC: She is refusing to pay?
Me: No. She isnt refusing anything. She has no money. So you can either take my $50 now or I will fight this and you will never get any money.
DC: So I will mark it down as refuse to pay.
Me: Mark it however you want it. Just make sure you mark down that you refused my $50 because that is the last time I am offering any money on this. I will make sure I am clearer next time because apparently I didn't make my point with you!

Yes, that is a real, actual conversation. These people kill me! My client hasnt worked in over a year, has had major medical problems and has no money to pay the creditors. She will probably end up filing for bankruptcy, but not with me. Why not? Because I don't file bankruptcies - although maybe that wasnt clear either!