Web 2.0?

I admit it. I can't tell a difference between Web 2.0 and the internet as it was invented by Al Gore back in the 90s. Al Gore did invite the internet, didn't he? Oh wait, I think I have Al Gore the internet inventor confused with Al Gore the guy with the mansion who uses a ton of energy to light it. But, wait, that is so off topic.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Web 2.0. Can you define Web 2.0? No, not you, Mr. Computer Geek reading this from his office with his three monitor set up. Can a normal person off the street define it? No. Why not? Because it is not a word.

Well, not to normal people. But the Global Language Monitor announced it is the 1,000,000th word in the English language. Yes, folks, ONE MILLION words. We should have a party or something. Imagine the word dropping from Times Square. Or maybe we throw confetti on people. Dick Clark can have a show with "Seacrest Out." They can call it "Dick Clark's Wonderful Word World with Ryan 'I don't know any word's Seacrest."

Do you want to know word 999,999? It is "jai ho!" Apparently this is from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Um, one problem, jai ho is actually a Hindi victory phrase. So, apparently, English words are now just words we steal. We are thieves. We don't have words. We just take other people's words. Speaking of Slumdog Millionaire, Slumdog is word 999,997. Yes, movie titles now get to be words.

Other choices:

1. defriend - as in "I defriended Bob on Facebook because he kept hitting on my female friends. No really, he did. Even the underage ones." How is it possible we have existed for thousands of years and apparently no one has ever defriended someone before. But defriend is almost a word now!
2. cloud computing - as in "WTF is cloud computing you technogeeks?!" Seriously, I would write more, but I don't get it. WTF is cloud computing? SHEESH!
3. carbon neutral - as in "Put the levitating car in carbon neutral and take your foot off the hydrogen pedal." Yes? No, that's not right? Dang it.
4. Octomom - as in "Octomom is a cheap piece of **** whose sole support now is by living off of those poor little kids who didn't ask to be brought into the world by Satan." Yes there, I called her Satan. You know you want to but lack the cojones (which may or may not be an English word). She is Satan. We have a word for that - it is Satan. We do not need to create a new word for this woman. She gets enough attention already! STOP IT!
5. Sexting - as in "Billy and Emily were sexting after school." No, they were not texting. That is not a typo. They were sexting. This is, apparently, the process of texting sexual messages to another person. Does that make emailing sexual messages sexmail? If you call someone, does that make it a sexophone call? If you actually have sex, are you sexsexing? I just don't get it. What if I were to text someone about sports? Is that sportexting? What if I text them about the weather? Weatherexting?

So, good people of the blog, I say we start a new word. But it cannot have anything to do with vacation, daycation, staycation or Taco Bell's freaking breakation. ARGH! My ears. Stop making up words you advertisement dweebs. You make the computer geeks look normal.

I propose the new word is "hafffffffffffffaaaaaaaarrrrrr." It means..........well, I don't know what it means. But there is a Starbucks gift card to the person who posts a comment on the blog with the best use of hafffffffffffffaaaaaaaarrrrrr in a sentence. Yes, Starbucks!

To the lawyers: Huh?

As I have said before, I am an attorney. That's right. I admit it. My name is Slim Shady and I am an attorney. I am not ashamed of it. Well, sometimes I am. Like today.

You see, attorneys are always looking for ways to share information. It helps in what we do. The biggest thing attorneys do these days to share information is the use of email lists, or listserves. We use these to send an email to a large group of people at a time. It can be 10 people or 100 people or 1,000 people, or one list I am on has 4,000 people. It can be very handy or very, very scary. Think Invasion of the Body Snatchers scary.

Today, on one list, there were two conversations that worried me. The first was about the use of a word. There was a debate over whether a word was a noun or a verb. As if that is not bad enough, these folks started citing dictionaries. Seriously. I mean, if I say that telephone is an object and you say it is the act of calling someone, we could agree to disagree about it fairly quickly. I mean, I will still laugh at you behind your back, but that is to be expected if you say "I am going to telephone you." Dang it, the word is call. You are going to call me. Sheesh. But, I digress. The issue is that normal people will resolve this without resorting to the dictionary. Only attorneys take it that seriously!

Then, there was a discussion about talking to other people if you are an attorney. And how some attorneys have a hard time talking to "normal people." What are normal people? I think I am normal, although some may argue that point. Other than agreeing that Canadians are not normal, how do we decide on who is normal? And why are non-attorneys not normal? Heck, if anything, they are more normal. Just because I was dumb enough to go to college and then law school and never freaking graduate does not mean that I am better than anyone else. It just means I went to school longer.

Seriously, do you know a bigger group of people who you dont want to talk to at a cocktail party than attorneys? I mean, I have a few attorney friends. But it is a few. In fact, I can count them on one hand. Maybe two. Even you, Margaret Mary! But, most people don't want to talk to attorneys and this is why! Thinking you are better than other people or arguing over the proper use of a word? Get over yourself. You are not that important. Sheesh!