Breastfeeding Support

(Warning: I do use a few adult terms in this, but primarily those are breastfeeding and suckle!)

(Warning 2: I am not anti-breastfeeding and not making fun of breastfeeding!)

As you know, we are expecting. And when I say we, I mean she. I guess I am expecting. I am expecting her to go into labor. I am expecting a baby to come out. I am expecting 2 hands, 2 feet, 10 fingers and 10 toes. Actually, 8 fingers and 2 thumbs. I am expecting to pass out in the delivery room. I am expecting that I will be made fun of when I do. I am expecting that everyone reading this will send me emails making fun of me for admitting that I expect to pass out.

She is expecting a baby. She is expecting it to come out like her and not like me. It better. She is expecting to breastfeed.......and that is where it gets odd.

So, the hospital sent home a welcome packet. Basically, it tells us everything we might ever want to know about being pregnant. Thankfully they've got my back since none of my friends have stepped up. Included is "A Letter to New Dads." This has some great information. For example, I just found out that I was clearly not breastfed since I have allergies. Of course, I don't have asthma or childhood obesity, so maybe I was breastfed. Okay, if you know my mom, clearly I was not breastfed.

I also learned that breastfed children have a higher IQ, better eyesight and that all important straighter teeth. I wonder if the American Association of Orthodontists (and yes, I pulled that out without having to look it up - BOOYA!) is anti-breastfeeding. After all, its members make money off of crooked teeth. I bet the eye doctors are against breastfeeding as well. They like selling glasses, contacts and Lasik. (I know a good Lasik clinic, if you are looking for it. And now they guarantee 20-20 eyesight or your money back. Of course, the website needs some updating, but I tried to ask Jamie and she wouldnt respond to me! Their marketing guy can call me and I will give a free consultation on some marketing tips!)

Anyway, I now have 6 things I am supposed to do to help my baby's mother breastfeed longer. (Isn't that called my wife? Do we really want to start calling them baby mama's on literature? Aren't we better off if we say "dad, you can help your wife breastfeed longer?" Just wondering.)

1. Go to breastfeeding classes. Now, I don't know about the women reading this, but I am suspecting they would be uncomfortable with some strange dude showing up to watch them have a baby suckle on their breasts. I don't want some other dude watching my wife's breasts get sucked on. But maybe that's just me.
2. Help her share her plans with hospital staff. Um, do they really care what I think? And what exactly am I supposed to say? "Hey, doc, my wife wants the baby to suckle." Really, isn't that a conversation for her to have? I don't want her going to my doctor and saying "Look, he wants a little snip snip done."
3. Tell her I am proud of her. Huh? "Honey, I am so proud of you for breastfeeding." "Go Honey, go honey, go, go, go honey." "It's your birthday, baby is suckling." "Suck, suck, suck...." Seriously, I think any of these would get me slapped - hard.
4. Call a lactation consultant. "Hi, Lactation Consultant, my name is Juan and my wife needs help having the baby suck on her breasts." Part of me thinks this makes me a failure. Apparently, she hasn't had enough experience to be able to do it. And that is all on me. I failed! My man card should be turned in!
5. Encourage her not to offer pacifiers, bottles or formula. I don't know what it will be like post pregnancy, but I am not encouraging her to do anything that she doesn't want to do right now. What are they, crazy? Sheesh!
6. Protect mom from unhelpful comments. "For example, if someone says 'Are you still breastfeeding?' say 'Yes, isn't she great! It's important to breastfeed for at least one year." First, who really talks that way? Second, is someone going to ask my wife this question in front of me? Heck, is someone going to ask it at all. Really? Because I may look at them and ask "Are you still breathing?" That may be the dumbest thing I have heard. But I am so not going to say "Isn't she great?!" Is this freaking sesame street?

Think that is bad? There is more! More special ways dad can help mom:

1. Bring baby to mom for night feedings. Sure, is that moving the baby from the bassinet to the bed? Really, is that going to be helpful moving the baby like 4 feet?
2. Bring her food while she is breastfeeding. "Um, honey, want a turkey and cheese with a cup of milk, fries and cake for dessert. Oh, you have child with you. Should I not feed you while you have another human being sucking on you? But the hospital told me to!"
3. Encourage her to rest. Duh! Does a new mom really need that encouragement? Should I also encourage her to breathe?
4. Do chores. Was this written in the 1950s? Do men not do chores anyway? Thanks, I will pass that on to Ozzie and Harriet.


But, in honor of Billy Mays, that's not all. Remember 10 out of 10 doctors recommend breastfeeding for at least the first year of life. It was actually 10 out of 11, but then the 11th got fired!

Of course, I shouldn't be left out. I can still bond with my baby by:

1. Spending time with baby on my bare chest. Dude, that baby starts sucking on me and we will have issues! But my bare chest? Does this mean I have to shave it too? Or is hairy good enough? (Not that mine is, just wondering for those hairy guys out there!)
2. Give baby a bath. Aw, I can clean the little child after the baby eats and poops. WOO HOO!
3. Cuddle for a nap. Just don't roll over the baby and crush it or suffocate it. How about if baby naps in the crib and I don't have to worry about whacking my own baby?

I do appreciate these tips. Or, I could feed my baby a bottle once in a while and help out like I did. Its not my like my other kids didn't come out okay. Well, the one who is like me we have to watch out for, but the others are fine, I think. Maybe.

More Random Thoughts on a Thursday

So I thought I would make a few random thoughts while it is raining in April on a Thursday. At least there is no soccer on Sunday to be cancelled this week!

1. When you are at the gym and clearly listening to your music, why do people try to talk to you? Heck, why do they talk to you at all at the gym? I don't go to the gym anymore since I go to my taekwondo school several times per week and run, but when I did, people would come up and start talking to me. Seriously, its like 30 seconds between sets. If you cannot get the conversation in in less than 30 seconds, don't start it. But, if someone is on the treadmill and running, or even walking, then why talk to them? Most people have the headphones in. That is the wire that runs from their waist or arm to their ears. It is called a headphone wire. It means they are listening to music and do not want to be disturbed. Actually, that works. Think of the headphones as a DO NOT DISTURB sign at a hotel. Honor it!

2. Babies are cute. Very cute. Well, most babies. We have all seen those not so cute babies. But, even the cutest baby is not cute when it runs around in a diaper and nothing but a diaper. That is not cute. It is not sweet. It is not adorable. It is white trash. It is trailer trash. It is disgusting. Throw some clothes on your baby. I mean, really, is it that hard? Of course, the same people who let their babies run around in diapers are also the same people who want to run around dressed like this..

3. Tank tops and no bras. And no, not some hot woman. Not even some cute woman. It is the large, ugly woman with the bad dye job who thinks she is hot and sexy. You are not hot and sexy. You are ugly. YUCK! And you dont even shave your arm pits. Or your legs. Having a day's growth we can live with. Having a month's growth - YUCK!

4. Guys are not immune from absolutely no freaking taste in clothes. We are just as guilty. Well some of us. Usually this comes when men are mowing the lawn. You have seen him - the guy in the t-shirt and running shorts. Or worse - the guy in the boxers mowing his lawn. Yes, just boxers. No shirt. Like that is a good look. That look may work in the morning when you are getting dressed. Or in the evening when you are going to bed. That look does not work when you are outside. Ever. Never. Do not do it. Stop. Especially when you are doing an activity like mowing the lawn. Stop it!

5. Give me my space at the ATM. It is called a secret code for a reason - IT IS A SECRET! I need some space. I don't need you in my back pocket while I am at the ATM. I do not need to be able to hear you breathe. That means you are too close. If you can see that my lack of hair would be growing in gray, you are too close. If I can determine that you are wearing Old Spice, then you are too close. If I can feel you brush against me, you are too close. Give me my space! Please?