Okay, that's not a strong enough word. But, first, who the heck is Bernie Eccelstone? Well, to most Americans, Bernie Eccelstone is nobody. To Europeans, they know him as the President of Formula One racing. That would be open wheeled racing that no one in this country follows. Think of it this way, in terms of order of importance: Nascar, Nationwide Series, Indycar, Indy Lites, drag racing, Camping World Series, your local track, tractor pull, and then somewhere down below that is Formula One (F1). Yes, soccer in this country rates above Bernie Eccelstone's freaking piece of crap sport. They drive around in cars in Europe and he thinks people care.
So, why is Bernie dumber than the movie Weekend at Bernie's? Well, here are Bernie's type 4 dumbest comments:
4. Women should wear white like all other domestic appliances.
Really, Bernie? Women are appliances. Maybe the ones who hang out with you. Those would be the kind who smoke their cancer sticks, don't shave their armpits, haven't washed this month, and couldn't find a bar of soap if it glowed in the dark. In fact, the women who a guy like Bernie gets probably can't even add two plus two, which would be the number of teeth they have on the top of their mouth and the bottom of their mouth. I am pretty sure I know 6 year olds who have lost more teeth than Bernie's women have right now.
3. I would love to have a good lady race driver and preferably black and Jewish too, but they might take maternity leave.
My guess is that a good lady race driver wouldn't take maternity leave from Bernie's series because a good lady race driver wouldn't ever go to Bernie's series. Heck, a bad lady race driver wouldn't go to Bernie's series. In fact, why the hell does anyone race F1? I am pretty sure Sanjay from American Idol gets more publicity than anyone racing F1. Can you name one driver for Bernie? NO! Why? Because his racing league sucks. So, he doesn't have to worry about anyone taking maternity leave - not even the spectators because no one watches his races!
2. Saddam Hussein was the only one who could control that country.
Really? And by control you mean kill the soccer team if they lost? Blow up people's homes if they dissented? I assume Bernie means control by killing anyone who opposed him. Think of it this way Eccelschmuck: if controlling means killing anyone who disagrees with you, the leaders of Europe should kill you since you disagree with them. How would you like that, you freaking wanna-be David Stern who can't figure out how to talk to the public?
1. Hitler was good in the way he could command a lot of people and get things done.
I guess that means Bernie thinks Jim Jones is a genius. How about the dudes with Haley's comet? (Hey, you can't expect me to know everyone's name, but dude's first name was Marshall and he looked creepy. Very creepy.) After all, Jones got all of his followers to kill themselves with him. Hitler wussed out and killed himself and none of his followers had the guts to go with him. Bernie is a schmuck. Next he is going to deny the Holocaust, isn't he? MORON! When someone kills 12,000,000 people there is nothing good to say about him. Are you unaware of that, Bernie the crazy? That would have been his name if he was arrested for hate crimes, which by the way he should be. Why don't we arrest people who say crap like this and drop them in the middle of the Pacific ocean - alone, with no boat?
Here is my vote: lets boycott F1. Oh wait. No one watches it anyway. So lets take all of their ridiculous cars and smash them. Then we take all of Dumbarsstone's money and we give it to the people who are disabled and maimed by Saddam. Then we take all of the team's who race for Formula None and we make them get real jobs. Idiots.
Showing posts with label Nascar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nascar. Show all posts
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Is driving really that hard?
Okay, tonight's topic is driving. Why? Because I do it a lot so I see a lot of really bad driving. Really bad. I mean, you would think these people had never taken a class on how to drive. It is almost like the car is a completely foreign concept to them. So, my top 5 driving frustrations:
1. No parking means no parking. Okay, that red painted curb you see? Red should be a sign to you when you are driving. It means stop. Don't. No. Nada. No way Jose. No can do. Yet, for some reason, some people think that because of there are no cars there, the red curb is just for them. They think it is some sort of valet. It is not. Red means you cannot park there. That is why the rest of us are not parked there. Oh, and the same goes for fire hydrants. If you park in front of a fire hydrant and there is a fire, not only should the fire department break your windows to get the hose to the hydrant, but they should then burn your car down. To the ground. Car-b-que style. Is it really that hard?
2. NASCAR fan. Okay, not you Mr. Police Officer who likes Nascar and goes to the races with me. You drive just fine. But, dude with the #3 window sticker on his car (by the way, I know it is sad Dale Earnhardt is dead, but so is Len Bias and you don't see people driving around with Len Bias stickers on their cars), you really need to stop channeling Earnhardt and start channeling safe driving. Look, Jeff Gordon doesn't have turn signals on the #24 so he doesn't have to use them. But, your car has them. And they are not optional - they are mandatory. If you are going to change lanes, take the 2 1/2 seconds and put on the turn signal so we can figure out what you are doing. Really, its just common courtesy.
3. Your eyes should be looking where your car is going. I was behind a guy tonight who was waiting for traffic so he could make a left turn. Traffic was coming from the east to the west and we were driving west. Dude wanted to turn north. Okay, so that is probably confusing since some of my readers still read Larry Bovine and may use Leapfish. We were going this way -----> and opposing traffic was coming this way <-----. Now, the rest of us would look this way ----> so that we can see when it is clear. But this guy is smarter. He was looking to the left - away from oncoming traffic. So, he couldn't tell when it was clear to make the turn. So we sat and sat and sat because he apparently thought he should look to the left. UGH! Finally, he went and almost hit a car because he didn't know they were coming. ARGH!
4. Bicycle riders - and runners for that matter. Ok, ride with traffic, not against it. If you are coming from my right as I am trying to turn onto a road, I won't see you. We have all done it. You are going to pull out from a parking lot and go right onto a street. You are looking left (that is where traffic is coming from Mr. 3 above). Some guy on a bike is coming from your right and you start to pull out. You slam on the brakes and he flips you off. Really? It is my fault? Really? You are supposed to ride with traffic. If you are riding against traffic and get hit in this type of accident, it is your fault. And the gene pool will hopefully get a bit cleaner. As for runners, they have apparently decided it is safer to run in the street against traffic so they can see what is coming at them. Again, you run in front of my car while I am pulling out, and you are going to lose. A lot. Like, maybe your life. Run on the sidewalk and go with traffic. It is so much smarter - and safer. And remember, just say no to death.
5. The worst drivers - expensive cars and POS cars. For those of you who forgot my brilliant taste in music and POS cars, a reminder (WARNING: THIS SONG HAS ADULT LANGUAGE): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcSlvTT8GWM (WARNING: This song has adult language) I don't know who is worse - the lady driving the $80,000 BMW who thinks because her car costs as much as a small house, or an entire town in Nebraska, that we should all get out of her way, or the guy driving the 1972 Ford Pinto. Hey, I like a nice old car as much as anyone (and more than Jon and Tim, who sometimes have really bad taste in cars), but just because it is old does not make it cool. And just because it is a POS and you have nothing to worry about if you hit people, does not mean you can drive like a maniac. I mean, is it that hard to drive slower than 90 through a parking lot? Oh wait, your POS only goes up to 45. So, is it really hard to drive slower than 45 through a parking lot? Really? SLOW DOWN IN YOUR POS! And lady in your BMW, stop thinking your stuff don't smell. It smells - a lot. Just like the rest of us. And yours probably smells worse. We do not have to get out of your way just because your car costs more than the GDP of Myanmar. (For those of you not keeping score at home, that is the former Burma.)
Oh, and a bonus: DO NOT PUT ON YOUR MAKE UP IN YOUR CAR! Please?
1. No parking means no parking. Okay, that red painted curb you see? Red should be a sign to you when you are driving. It means stop. Don't. No. Nada. No way Jose. No can do. Yet, for some reason, some people think that because of there are no cars there, the red curb is just for them. They think it is some sort of valet. It is not. Red means you cannot park there. That is why the rest of us are not parked there. Oh, and the same goes for fire hydrants. If you park in front of a fire hydrant and there is a fire, not only should the fire department break your windows to get the hose to the hydrant, but they should then burn your car down. To the ground. Car-b-que style. Is it really that hard?
2. NASCAR fan. Okay, not you Mr. Police Officer who likes Nascar and goes to the races with me. You drive just fine. But, dude with the #3 window sticker on his car (by the way, I know it is sad Dale Earnhardt is dead, but so is Len Bias and you don't see people driving around with Len Bias stickers on their cars), you really need to stop channeling Earnhardt and start channeling safe driving. Look, Jeff Gordon doesn't have turn signals on the #24 so he doesn't have to use them. But, your car has them. And they are not optional - they are mandatory. If you are going to change lanes, take the 2 1/2 seconds and put on the turn signal so we can figure out what you are doing. Really, its just common courtesy.
3. Your eyes should be looking where your car is going. I was behind a guy tonight who was waiting for traffic so he could make a left turn. Traffic was coming from the east to the west and we were driving west. Dude wanted to turn north. Okay, so that is probably confusing since some of my readers still read Larry Bovine and may use Leapfish. We were going this way -----> and opposing traffic was coming this way <-----. Now, the rest of us would look this way ----> so that we can see when it is clear. But this guy is smarter. He was looking to the left - away from oncoming traffic. So, he couldn't tell when it was clear to make the turn. So we sat and sat and sat because he apparently thought he should look to the left. UGH! Finally, he went and almost hit a car because he didn't know they were coming. ARGH!
4. Bicycle riders - and runners for that matter. Ok, ride with traffic, not against it. If you are coming from my right as I am trying to turn onto a road, I won't see you. We have all done it. You are going to pull out from a parking lot and go right onto a street. You are looking left (that is where traffic is coming from Mr. 3 above). Some guy on a bike is coming from your right and you start to pull out. You slam on the brakes and he flips you off. Really? It is my fault? Really? You are supposed to ride with traffic. If you are riding against traffic and get hit in this type of accident, it is your fault. And the gene pool will hopefully get a bit cleaner. As for runners, they have apparently decided it is safer to run in the street against traffic so they can see what is coming at them. Again, you run in front of my car while I am pulling out, and you are going to lose. A lot. Like, maybe your life. Run on the sidewalk and go with traffic. It is so much smarter - and safer. And remember, just say no to death.
5. The worst drivers - expensive cars and POS cars. For those of you who forgot my brilliant taste in music and POS cars, a reminder (WARNING: THIS SONG HAS ADULT LANGUAGE): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcSlvTT8GWM (WARNING: This song has adult language) I don't know who is worse - the lady driving the $80,000 BMW who thinks because her car costs as much as a small house, or an entire town in Nebraska, that we should all get out of her way, or the guy driving the 1972 Ford Pinto. Hey, I like a nice old car as much as anyone (and more than Jon and Tim, who sometimes have really bad taste in cars), but just because it is old does not make it cool. And just because it is a POS and you have nothing to worry about if you hit people, does not mean you can drive like a maniac. I mean, is it that hard to drive slower than 90 through a parking lot? Oh wait, your POS only goes up to 45. So, is it really hard to drive slower than 45 through a parking lot? Really? SLOW DOWN IN YOUR POS! And lady in your BMW, stop thinking your stuff don't smell. It smells - a lot. Just like the rest of us. And yours probably smells worse. We do not have to get out of your way just because your car costs more than the GDP of Myanmar. (For those of you not keeping score at home, that is the former Burma.)
Oh, and a bonus: DO NOT PUT ON YOUR MAKE UP IN YOUR CAR! Please?
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