Repeating the past

I was cleaning the house today and I realized what's wrong. I am repeating the mistakes of the past.

I was 16 years old. I was talking to my girlfriend (now my wife) and I told her something that was probably the most honest thing I could say. I didn't want to go into business because I didn't want to be compared to my father. I would do ANYTHING but have a career in business. And guess what? I run a business.

He was the smartest man I ever knew. How on earth am I supposed to compare to that? I can't. He had a fucking PhD in pharmaceutical chemistry. He flew around the world buying and selling businesses for a fortune 500 company. He had patents, inventions. He was a fucking genius.

I once told someone it was hard to be the son of a genius. I said it in a funny tone. Its not funny. I do everything I can to not be compared to him. Do you know how old it gets to hear "You are just like your father?" Im not. I am not half as smart as him. I havent done half the crap with my life that he did with his. I just haven't done it. I don't understand why anyone thinks I am like him. I don't see it.

So, here I sit, 9 1/2 years into my 2nd career and wondering what else I can do with my life. How do I get out? What can I do? Anything that doesn't involve business. I still run from it. I still try to hide. I pretend its not there. But it is...............

Then I look at my sons. I realize that they are turning out like I did. Is that good? Probably not. I don't talk to my brother. No one called me when my sister died. No one in my family talks to me. Is that what I want for them? But how do I stop it? How do I change it? Can it be changed? Would they be better off without me?

I don't know. I just don't. I wish I had an answer. I wish this was a simple problem. But its not. It appears that even if we remember the past, we may repeat it. I wish that wasn't true.............