PETA, Orcas and courts, Oh My!

Okay, so this is a bit late for me to get to this, but I had to. I was going to go all depressing again, but I thought funny was better.

So, PETA filed suit in Federal court in San Diego. Was there some big problem with the food supply? NOPE! Was some racehorse being tortured? NOPE! There had to be some problem with the fisheries? NOPE - again! What was the problem, you ask? Orcas.

So, PETA, a group of HUMANS (or so they claim they are humans) filed suit on behalf of orcas, killer whales, if you will. The claim was that the orcas were being bothered by sonar from the US Navy. In the ocean. The open ocean. Where orcas live.

This is an actual transcript of how the initial meeting went:

PETA (P): How are you orcas doing?
ORCA (O): click click clack click
P: Oh really? That is not good. We have to put a stop to that.
O: click click cliiiick click.
P: How dare they? We need to stop this. It is an outrage!
O: cliiick claack click click claack click
P: No, we must put an end to this. Its just wrong.
O: cliiick, cliick, click, click, cliiiick.
(The Orca then swam away.)

Here is the Orca's version:

P: blah blah blah blah blah
O: What the hell are these idiots doing? I am a killer whale. As in, I KILL! Don't they know I can eat them.
P: blah blah blah blah blah
O: Maybe, I should just eat them. They probably taste pretty good.
P: blah blah blah
O: They smell funny. Its protein deficiency. These fools don't eat meat? They can't taste very good.
P: blah blah blah
O: What the hell? I have better things to do with my time, like swim. These folks are losers.

I talked to the orcas. Really, I did. I talk to orcas. I know orca. Its one of my many unknown talents. The orcas wished to release the following statement:

Dear PETA: You sued in court over something that happens in the open freaking ocean? You do understand that the court can't tell us or anyone else what to do in the ocean, right? You don't speak for us. In case you are unaware, we are meat eaters. You are anti-meat eaters. Why do you think WE want YOU to represent us? We would rather have Jeffrey Dahmer represent us. At least he understands the flavor of meat. (Okay, bad joke, but it was pretty funny.) Why do you think you speak for anyone other than the other crazy loons who send you money every year? By the way, you really want to help us, push some of those crazies over the side of the boat. We could use a little more human meat in our diets. In the future, if you think we want you to represent us, let us be perfectly clear: we don't want your help. If we have a problem, we have the tools to take care of it ourselves - its called our teeth."

So there you go. PETA filed suit for a group of whales who clearly didn't want the help. I am glad I could bring you this public service announcement. Please take any money you have earmarked for PETA and send it to me. I will make sure that the orcas get it. (They won't eat me. They tasted me once - I am a bit too obnoxious tasting even to orcas!)