32 years

I was going to write something upbeat, something life affirming. You know, one of those "Well, at least I am above ground so it has to be a good day" type posts. But, that's not quite my mood. And why fake it? A - Its not that much fun to fake it. B - I am not that good at faking it. C - I hate fakers. So, I will go with this.

Life sucks sometimes. I know. I have had life suck. I have been as low as you can be. I admit it. I have had those dark days when I wondered why life continued. It sucks. I have made it through, somehow, someway, probably due to my family and close friends. I dont go back there anymore, but I do wonder why it happens, how it happens, and what makes some people decide life sucks too much and others, like me, decide that life may suck, but we can make it bearable. I dont know. I dont have an answer. I dont know if I have any answers.

I do know that 12 years ago I had a different life envisioned. My oldest son was a baby. I was in law school. I was so sure he was going to do great things, things that I would never do. How wrong I was. I could not have been any more wrong. (Read it like Chandler Bing would say it and maybe you wont have tears in your eyes like I do in mine.) He was going to be smart, big, tall, strong. He was going to surpass his dad. He will - but only in height.

Every single day. The phone rings. I know who it is when it rings. Have you ever had those calls? I got one the day my mom died. The minute the phone rang, I knew what it was. I had one 12 1/2 years ago. The phone rang late one night. My wife was in bed. Our baby was in bed. I just knew what it was. Talk about life changing. Yeah, we know you have had this baby, but the birth parents changed their minds. Oh, and can you keep him for another day? Really? Another day? Are you fucking kidding me? I still see that night in my mind once a year.

Well, now I go through those calls again. I dont complain about it. I dont bitch and moan about it. I just know when the phone rings its "Tyler did this......." or "Tyler did that........." I dont know how we stay sane with it. I dont know. I dont care. I just know that each day that the phone rings like that a little piece of me dies. Maybe, not dies. Maybe it just gets sucked away. Maybe it just evaporates like the rain puddles. I dont know.

I look at my life. I am 38 years old, pushing 39. 40 is just around the corner. I know my dad died at 63. My mom at 70. What does that give me? 25 years? 32 years? I know the stress takes its toll. And I know I am not in the worst position. Hell, I made it to 29 and 36 before my parents died. Some kids dont get that long.

But do you know what its like? Its a safety net and its gone. I have my wife as a safety net. I dont have my parents. Because, I know, just as I will always be there for Tyler, no matter what, no matter how many phone calls, no matter what he does, my parents would have always been there for me. But they arent anymore and theres not a damn thing I can do about it.

I have my family. My wife, 4 kids. I have some friends. I think I need fewer though. I know what I dont need. I dont need "fair weather friends." Look, if you dont like me when I am in this kind of mood, fine. But you dont get happy, smiley Jon without also getting sad Jon. If you only want to come around when I am happy, or when you need something, then dont come around at all. And if you only come around because "Well, Jon is always there" and I am your safe friend (kind of like your safe college), then I dont want you around.

32 years. Thats my time frame. I dont think I have time for people who want me around for a smile, a quick (usually clean) joke, or because they need something. Life is too damn short. Those 32 years? They are going to entail thousands of phone calls. Thousands of hours lost to worry, stress, kids who arent like you and me. Dreams shattered and never replaceable. I am not going to lose any time with people who cant be there for me in the good and the bad.

32 years. Thats not that long.