I dont know what to call this

Yep, I dont have a title for this. I dont even know why I am writing this. Therapeutic? Because I have nothing better to do at 8:45 on a Tuesday night? Because I am scared? I dont know.

Preface: I know I have not had a rough life. Its been pretty good. I get that. So this is not a pity party and don't read it that way.

Remember when you were a kid......did you ever think about what your life would be like as an adult? Did you ever wonder what would happen at 30? 35? 40? I did. I distinctly remember two things. I was in high school. My dad had a business dinner. It was with a guy who I knew. I came down the stairs and told them both I would be a millionaire by 35. Um, 35 came and went. No million dollars. Not even close.

My other memory: growing up, watching my dad, and thinking "That is me at 35." You know the song Cats in the Cradle? Its a great song. If you dont know it, listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c If you do know it, listen to it again.

So I grew up and when I was young, say, under 10, I would watch my dad and think "Why does he shake like that?" I had no idea. None whatsoever. He was 45. I heard people say things but I didn't know what it meant. I was about 10 and I remember a discussion with my parents. They told me that my dad had Parkinson's Disease. I distinctly remember asking if I would get it and they told me no. Looking back, its the first time I can recall my parents telling me something that simply wasn't true. I didn't know it then. I know it now. I won't bore you with the details.

As I got older, I realized how much it affected my dad's life. Oh, he still made it to the important events. He was there at my high school graduation, my college graduation, my wedding. The last event he was at was my law school graduation. He died a few months later. But, it still had an impact on what he could eat, when, what he did, his driving.

I also started looking at my family history. My dad had it. My grandfather had it. My grandmother had dementia. The freaking trifecta. Oh, and that doesn't even include my mom's side of the family and the cancer that wouldn't go away. Happy happy, joy joy - or some such nonsense. I decided in high school that I was going to end up like my dad. I don't know if it was a conscience decision or if it just happened. I don't know.

I remember talking to my wife, then my girlfriend, about it. We were serious. I told her I wanted to have kids young because I didn't want to be like my dad - having a difficult time with a young child. He was 35 when I was born. I wanted to make sure I had kids long before that. So I did. 26, 28, 30. Then, at 35, my wife got pregnant and I was having a kid at 35. It was such a happy time.

I also noticed a few shakes now and then. It was stress. It was not enough potassium. I even called his neurologist to make sure. Before he died, I had talked to him about it. He assured me it wasn't genetic. After he died, my mom told me he had testing and his other neurologist said it wasn't genetic. I guess.

So at 36, 37 I noticed it now and then. I even went to the doctor. And I don't go to the doctor. She assured me it was stress. I went with it.

A few weeks ago, it came back. I was putting together a toy and was having a difficult time. I knew it. But I could hide it. Its not rocket science. I have spent most of my life hiding my fear of this. How hard could it be to hide a bit of a shake?

Tonight was dinner. Eating is easy. I do it alot. And I like it. As I was eating the rice, my hand started shaking. Not a ton. No one else noticed it. But I did. It wasn't a stress shake. It wasn't a "OOPS, I overdid it today" shake. It wasn't a lack of potassium muscle twitch.

So now here I sit. Sad. Confused. Upset. I don't know why this happened. I dont know if there is a reason. I just know I have spent the last 28 years dreading this day.

Funny. The end of Cats in the Cradle:
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

It occurred to me tonight. I have grown up just like him.