Okay, I know I have been trying to be more positive. And that is why I haven't posted as much. But today I just feel the need to rip some people.
First, what is the deal with the folks who drive piece of crap cars? I know - I write about it every few months. Go google Adam Sandler's song and listen to it. I won't link to for a 20th time. Its like they drive a piece of crap so they don't care if they pull out in front of you, cut you off or in general drive like their cars - garbage. I don't understand it. Fine, your car sucks. But does that mean you want to die? Seriously. Your 1988 Honda Civic is not going to do well against my Expedition. I promise you that won't end well for you. There is a reason I drive a big car - and its because of folks like you.
Second, the guy at the Farmers Market....really, the Jews caused 9/11. Really? Its a big freaking conspiracy and its the Jews fault? Do you really believe that or is your life so pathetic that you have nothing better to do than sit there every single Sunday and spill this nonsense? I guess the Jews also killed Jesus, the Holocaust never happened and the right to bear arms means that everyone in the country is allowed to have a maximum of 2 arms. (Yes, I am being literal. Yes, it is funny. Laugh. Laugh, I say, or I will make you listen to this guy and his nonsense.) Get a clue. Seriously.
Speaking of people who need a clue, how about the guy who tried to get San Francisco to ban circumcision? First, we don't let cities decide what medical procedures you can and cannot have. Imagine if you live in SF you can have a heart transplant, but Oakland decided that it wasn't worth it? Or maybe you can have a collapsed lung repaired in San Diego, but not in Anaheim because Mickey doesn't like people with collapsed lungs? Second, we have this little thing called the First Amendment. Now, I am not the brightest guy in the world but I think I learned about this in law school. Like, the government shall not make any law impeding the free expression of religion. I am not sure if you are aware of this, but there are several religions that require circumcision. By its never nature, its unconstitutional. It would be like a law that bans prayer on Sunday or wearing a cross. You are a douche. Not even a douchebag, but you are a full on douche. You are anti-Semitic and anti-smart. Yes, I called you dumb. Thankfully a Judge put an end to your idiocy.
Then there are people who just suck. These people never have anything nice to say about anything. Everything is bad or is going to suck or is going to fail. Really? Life is that miserable. Maybe you need to get your eyes checked. Its not that bad. You are alive. You probably have a roof over your head and food to eat. That puts you ahead of a fair number of the population. And you probably aren't mentally ill. Again, puts you ahead of a lot of people. So stop your freaking whining and figure out what is good in life. Or email me and I will try to make it clear for you. Clear?
I am sure there are more people who bug. As soon as I find them, I will let you know who they are.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
More on death
So I was talking to a friend today and he had a bad day yesterday. Then I come home and after the MLS All Star game, there is a brief segment on ESPN on athletes who have passed away in the last year. You know, the montage of photos along with some sappy song that I didn't know. And I watch the names go by and I think to myself that some of these folks are my age, some younger and quite a few older. Why?
Death is hard to explain. Not biologically. The brain stops, the heart stops beating and your body shuts down. Simple. Although, why does death happen fast for some and drag on for others? Take two people with a similar disease. One will die faster than the other. One may suffer, one may not. I don't know why and I don't think God does either. Maybe. Maybe there is some plan that makes sense, but I don't think so. What does someone learn from suffering? The person who dies doesn't learn because, after all, they are dead. The living? Maybe they learn that suffering sucks, but we know that already, don't we?
It is amazing how precious life is. How quickly it can go. And we all say "Live every day like its your last." Nickelback sang it better than I can write it. But, do we live it? Can we live it? Is it even possible?
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind.........I wish it was that easy. Fear is everywhere. It can be bad and cause people to freeze. We have all seen it. But it can also motivated people. Fear drives success sometimes. The fear of failure can be a powerful motivator.
Would you live each moment like your last........Its easier said than done. If I could live each moment like my last, it might actually be. I would tell people who are idiots that they are idiots. I would tell people who waste life that they are wasting it. Its not that attorneys think they are better than people. Well, some do. Those folks are jackasses. Its that they think what they do is so important. They get into arguments about who goes first. Really? Does it make a difference? Is it that important? Would you want to be judged because you had to absolutely go first? I think we taught our kids that its not important to go first. Heck, in baseball, you want to go LAST.
The problem is that we are so set in having to have it our way. We want life to be Burger King. Its not. And then it ends and when it ends, you realize not only is it not Burger King, it shouldn't be. Its not easy. Its not always fun. Sometimes it sucks. You don't always get your way.
But when you have a chance to do something good, you have to take it. Screw carpe diem, its more like carpe moment. Seize that one moment in time when you can change something or someone. I hate those Liberty Mutual commercials about responsibility. Its not responsibility that they are showing. Its this - seizing the moment. Someone drops a wallet, you don't pick it up because its the responsible thing to do. You pick it up because you want to help that person who dropped it and make their day a bit better. You stand up on the trolley when a woman gets on not because its the responsible thing to do, but because you want to help make her day better. It goes for old people, young people, rich people, poor people.
I see people saying that they won't help someone who asks for a dollar or a cup of coffee or some gas for their car. Really? There but for the grace of God, go I. Is that person always going to do the right thing with it? Nope. But does it matter? For that moment, you have helped someone. You made their day better, whether they buy a burger, buy a joint or give it to their kid to get a drink at school.
This is why God doesn't have a plan on whether people suffer. He doesn't care. We all have to experience death so we realize the joy of life. When someone suffers, it pisses us off. Trust me on this. Its hard when someone dies. Its harder when someone dies and suffers. But that doesn't effect the outcome: the person dies. The secondary outcome is that the survivors recognize the sanctity, not of life, but of helping others. We have been told from a young age that life is precious, fragile and should be cherished. But we haven't been told that living life really means seizing that moment - taking that chance. You may succeed, you may fail, but you have to take it and see what happens. You have to try, for not trying to seize the moment is worse than not realizing that life is precious.
Maybe I am crazy. I don't know. I do know this - life is valuable but a life lived without helping others seems to be lacking. You don't have to set the world on fire, but you do have to make a difference in one life. Being a millionaire, selling millions of records, having a tv show may make you a success in your own mind, but until you have made someone else's life better, you haven't really lived.
Don't confuse success with being successful. Don't confuse life with living.
Death is hard to explain. Not biologically. The brain stops, the heart stops beating and your body shuts down. Simple. Although, why does death happen fast for some and drag on for others? Take two people with a similar disease. One will die faster than the other. One may suffer, one may not. I don't know why and I don't think God does either. Maybe. Maybe there is some plan that makes sense, but I don't think so. What does someone learn from suffering? The person who dies doesn't learn because, after all, they are dead. The living? Maybe they learn that suffering sucks, but we know that already, don't we?
It is amazing how precious life is. How quickly it can go. And we all say "Live every day like its your last." Nickelback sang it better than I can write it. But, do we live it? Can we live it? Is it even possible?
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind.........I wish it was that easy. Fear is everywhere. It can be bad and cause people to freeze. We have all seen it. But it can also motivated people. Fear drives success sometimes. The fear of failure can be a powerful motivator.
Would you live each moment like your last........Its easier said than done. If I could live each moment like my last, it might actually be. I would tell people who are idiots that they are idiots. I would tell people who waste life that they are wasting it. Its not that attorneys think they are better than people. Well, some do. Those folks are jackasses. Its that they think what they do is so important. They get into arguments about who goes first. Really? Does it make a difference? Is it that important? Would you want to be judged because you had to absolutely go first? I think we taught our kids that its not important to go first. Heck, in baseball, you want to go LAST.
The problem is that we are so set in having to have it our way. We want life to be Burger King. Its not. And then it ends and when it ends, you realize not only is it not Burger King, it shouldn't be. Its not easy. Its not always fun. Sometimes it sucks. You don't always get your way.
But when you have a chance to do something good, you have to take it. Screw carpe diem, its more like carpe moment. Seize that one moment in time when you can change something or someone. I hate those Liberty Mutual commercials about responsibility. Its not responsibility that they are showing. Its this - seizing the moment. Someone drops a wallet, you don't pick it up because its the responsible thing to do. You pick it up because you want to help that person who dropped it and make their day a bit better. You stand up on the trolley when a woman gets on not because its the responsible thing to do, but because you want to help make her day better. It goes for old people, young people, rich people, poor people.
I see people saying that they won't help someone who asks for a dollar or a cup of coffee or some gas for their car. Really? There but for the grace of God, go I. Is that person always going to do the right thing with it? Nope. But does it matter? For that moment, you have helped someone. You made their day better, whether they buy a burger, buy a joint or give it to their kid to get a drink at school.
This is why God doesn't have a plan on whether people suffer. He doesn't care. We all have to experience death so we realize the joy of life. When someone suffers, it pisses us off. Trust me on this. Its hard when someone dies. Its harder when someone dies and suffers. But that doesn't effect the outcome: the person dies. The secondary outcome is that the survivors recognize the sanctity, not of life, but of helping others. We have been told from a young age that life is precious, fragile and should be cherished. But we haven't been told that living life really means seizing that moment - taking that chance. You may succeed, you may fail, but you have to take it and see what happens. You have to try, for not trying to seize the moment is worse than not realizing that life is precious.
Maybe I am crazy. I don't know. I do know this - life is valuable but a life lived without helping others seems to be lacking. You don't have to set the world on fire, but you do have to make a difference in one life. Being a millionaire, selling millions of records, having a tv show may make you a success in your own mind, but until you have made someone else's life better, you haven't really lived.
Don't confuse success with being successful. Don't confuse life with living.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
More on parenting
So I have been thinking about this for a few days. Mulling it over. No, not the fact that Tracy Morgan is a douchebag. This is a fact. Dude is a douchebag. I guess I have never really watched him before but he can barely put together a complete sentence. And he can't talk. Is that funny? Is mumbling funny now? If so, I am going to start talking without moving my mouth. I am sure my high school speech coach is going to love that. "himynameisjonandiamnotmovingmymouthwhenitalk."
In addition to mumbling, dude thinks its funny to make gay jokes. Sure it is. And then he is going to make fun of the mentally challenged. Yeah, mental illness is real fucking funny. How about if I start making fun of your skin? Or maybe I should make fun of your nose? Oh wait, not funny? I know. That is why I am not a douchebag. Only douchebags make fun of things about people that the people can't change. Race, religion, sexual orientation, mental illness. None of these are funny. Ever. And if you are a "professional comedian" you should be funny enough to make jokes without going to any of those. If you can't make jokes without going to these, then find a real job like the rest of us.
But that's not what has me annoyed today. I won't even get into people who are never freaking happy. Go away unhappy people. You blow. Big time. I was at the store the other day with my kids. Its me with my lack of hair, my translucent daughter and my very tan boys. We are a motley crew. I admit it.
I had to keep putting up with some guy giving me a look like I was Satan or something with my tan kids and my white skin. Yes, I know you dweeb - they don't look like me. And the more you look, the less they are going to look like me. I do appreciate when people try and try and try to make them look like me. "Did you have curly hair?" (My youngest son has curly hair.) No, I didn't. But thanks for asking. Staring at me is not going to make my boys look like me. Never. Ever.
I know this. They know this. Do you think staring at us is going to make someone feel better? Maybe it will make you feel better. I guess. If you are a loser. How exactly does this help anyone? Lets see - if I stare, maybe they will be so uncomfortable that they will leave. Sure. That is exactly it. You have me figured out.
Oh wait, no you don't. I am not going to leave because you are so uncomfortable with yourself that you are going to keep looking. Its one of the lamest, dumbest, most idiotic things you can do. Stare all you want, you piece of crap. I am not going to apologize for my kids looking like my kids. They are mine and I love them. If you don't like that, I would suggest you go crawl in a cave so we can blow up the entrance and not have to put up with your kind anymore.
I have always said there are very few things I will fight you over. One of them is my kids. So I would suggest in the future that you stop staring at them and mind your own fucking business, you waste of space in this great country of ours.
In addition to mumbling, dude thinks its funny to make gay jokes. Sure it is. And then he is going to make fun of the mentally challenged. Yeah, mental illness is real fucking funny. How about if I start making fun of your skin? Or maybe I should make fun of your nose? Oh wait, not funny? I know. That is why I am not a douchebag. Only douchebags make fun of things about people that the people can't change. Race, religion, sexual orientation, mental illness. None of these are funny. Ever. And if you are a "professional comedian" you should be funny enough to make jokes without going to any of those. If you can't make jokes without going to these, then find a real job like the rest of us.
But that's not what has me annoyed today. I won't even get into people who are never freaking happy. Go away unhappy people. You blow. Big time. I was at the store the other day with my kids. Its me with my lack of hair, my translucent daughter and my very tan boys. We are a motley crew. I admit it.
I had to keep putting up with some guy giving me a look like I was Satan or something with my tan kids and my white skin. Yes, I know you dweeb - they don't look like me. And the more you look, the less they are going to look like me. I do appreciate when people try and try and try to make them look like me. "Did you have curly hair?" (My youngest son has curly hair.) No, I didn't. But thanks for asking. Staring at me is not going to make my boys look like me. Never. Ever.
I know this. They know this. Do you think staring at us is going to make someone feel better? Maybe it will make you feel better. I guess. If you are a loser. How exactly does this help anyone? Lets see - if I stare, maybe they will be so uncomfortable that they will leave. Sure. That is exactly it. You have me figured out.
Oh wait, no you don't. I am not going to leave because you are so uncomfortable with yourself that you are going to keep looking. Its one of the lamest, dumbest, most idiotic things you can do. Stare all you want, you piece of crap. I am not going to apologize for my kids looking like my kids. They are mine and I love them. If you don't like that, I would suggest you go crawl in a cave so we can blow up the entrance and not have to put up with your kind anymore.
I have always said there are very few things I will fight you over. One of them is my kids. So I would suggest in the future that you stop staring at them and mind your own fucking business, you waste of space in this great country of ours.
Monday, June 6, 2011
On Character
So P!nk sings a song called Perfect. Or, if you have satellite radio, its Fuckin Perfect. (Yes, this is going to have profanity so if you don't like it, stop reading now.) The song says "if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, You're fuckin' perfect to me." And as love songs go, or songs about one you love, its probably pretty good. Yeah, I listen to P!nk. Problem with that? I didn't think so. I also like Simon and Garfunkel, Springsteen and a whole bunch of other music.
Anyway, its not real. Its a song. And you know what I hate? I hate people who are fake. Or people who want you to think their lives are perfect. Your life is not perfect. Don't lie. Sure, someone asks you how you are, you can say "Fine" or "Good" or "Okay." But don't put up some bullshit front because you think you are fooling people.
Great, your kid is a fucking genius. Is he the next Steve Jobs? Tell me your kid is doing well at school. Don't tell me he is the smartest kid in his class at some swanky private school. A) I don't care if your kid goes to Idiot Elementary School or Genius R Us University. Its fucking school. In the grand scheme of things, school, especially elementary school, teaches us how to interact with other people and get along in society. There are plenty of smart kids who have been failures in society because they can't get along with others. 2) Your kid aint that smart. He got all A's in 4th grade? Great. Congrats. Very fucking impressive.
Oh, and you are the stud of your adult league sports team? Really? Its a fucking adult league. Its recreational. Most people who actually play sports don't play in these pansy leagues. Its not like we have to prove anything. Most of us did it when we were younger - you know, when we gave a damn about sports, when are parents paid for us to play sports. Now we want to play for fun and go to work to support our families. But I am glad you are the three sport star as a 38 year old. Does it make you feel good? I might suggest you take up underwater basketweaving or tiddlywinks as well. Maybe then you will kick ass in 5 sports against other pansies.
Oh, and your job is perfect with your ridiculous public employee pension. I am damn glad you can retire at 55 and get paid 80% of your income for the rest of your life. That is great. Get paid by the people to work and then get paid by the people to retire. It must be nice. And that job security. Sheesh. I mean, what don't you get? Do they bring you lunch and wash your car too? Do they give you a pedicure and keep your nails pretty while you sit on your fat ass, oh wait, your studly sports winning ass, and push paper from one piece of crap pile to the next? I know, you have to be soooo smart to get that job and go to one of those fancy places that has a Division I football team to get that job. You are a fucking genius and I am so happy for you.
Let me guess, your wife has a perfect fucking body too. I know, you have all that money you have, it must be nice to have plastic women as a wife. Let me guess: fake tits, a tummy tuck, lip injections, which by the way are disgusting, and probably her eyes done. That is called fake. I don't know about everyone else, but I like my women real. Like 100% real. Yeah, I know some guys like fake boobs. But fake everything? Great. Good for you. Enjoy that.
And while I am guessing, I assume you are going to brag that you are 10" and can go all night. Sure you can. And Jenna Jameson asked you to fuck her too. Or maybe Cameron Diaz. Sure. Its all fucking perfect for you.
Now to reality. Life sucks sometimes. Its not sucky, but it does suck. The rest of us have problems. I wish life was better constantly. But its not. You get dealt a raw hand sometimes. You have to put up with bad things. And bad things happen to good people. And you can't explain why. I wish I knew. But there isn't an answer. Although I may try to answer that later.
But you know what, fuck that. I don't care. I know its hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and look up at the clouds and think "What the fuck?" Sometimes I sit and look at my kids and think "I am not sure I signed up for this plan." But then I realize it. It hits me:
A man's character isn't shown when things are going well, but when things suck dick.
Think about that for a second. According to you, your life is perfect, great, amazing. Happy Fucking Birthday to you. You know what, when life is that good, its easy to be a good person. Its easy to make people think everything is wonderful. Its not rocket science.
But when you are faced with troubles, the question is then what kind of man are you? Are you the kind who is going to turn tail and run or are you the kind that is going to man up, figure out a solution and try to make the best of a bad situation? Any asshole can do good things when life is great. It takes a special asshole to do good things when life sucks.
So, congrats on your perfect fucking life. Congrats on everything being great. I mean, lets pretend that you arent a cocksucking piece of crap who lies about your failures and pretends they don't exist. I know my failures exist - big time. And people know about them. But that is okay with me. I also know that when push comes to shove, I am going to stand up, take responsibility for my failures and figure out how to make the best of the crap that life sometimes deals you. I am going to do the best I can. And if I fail or if I succeed, I know its based on me making the best damn decisions I can make. And there is no one who can sit and judge me for it.
Yeah, a man's character comes out when life sucks. You, on the other hand, are too perfect to understand.
Anyway, its not real. Its a song. And you know what I hate? I hate people who are fake. Or people who want you to think their lives are perfect. Your life is not perfect. Don't lie. Sure, someone asks you how you are, you can say "Fine" or "Good" or "Okay." But don't put up some bullshit front because you think you are fooling people.
Great, your kid is a fucking genius. Is he the next Steve Jobs? Tell me your kid is doing well at school. Don't tell me he is the smartest kid in his class at some swanky private school. A) I don't care if your kid goes to Idiot Elementary School or Genius R Us University. Its fucking school. In the grand scheme of things, school, especially elementary school, teaches us how to interact with other people and get along in society. There are plenty of smart kids who have been failures in society because they can't get along with others. 2) Your kid aint that smart. He got all A's in 4th grade? Great. Congrats. Very fucking impressive.
Oh, and you are the stud of your adult league sports team? Really? Its a fucking adult league. Its recreational. Most people who actually play sports don't play in these pansy leagues. Its not like we have to prove anything. Most of us did it when we were younger - you know, when we gave a damn about sports, when are parents paid for us to play sports. Now we want to play for fun and go to work to support our families. But I am glad you are the three sport star as a 38 year old. Does it make you feel good? I might suggest you take up underwater basketweaving or tiddlywinks as well. Maybe then you will kick ass in 5 sports against other pansies.
Oh, and your job is perfect with your ridiculous public employee pension. I am damn glad you can retire at 55 and get paid 80% of your income for the rest of your life. That is great. Get paid by the people to work and then get paid by the people to retire. It must be nice. And that job security. Sheesh. I mean, what don't you get? Do they bring you lunch and wash your car too? Do they give you a pedicure and keep your nails pretty while you sit on your fat ass, oh wait, your studly sports winning ass, and push paper from one piece of crap pile to the next? I know, you have to be soooo smart to get that job and go to one of those fancy places that has a Division I football team to get that job. You are a fucking genius and I am so happy for you.
Let me guess, your wife has a perfect fucking body too. I know, you have all that money you have, it must be nice to have plastic women as a wife. Let me guess: fake tits, a tummy tuck, lip injections, which by the way are disgusting, and probably her eyes done. That is called fake. I don't know about everyone else, but I like my women real. Like 100% real. Yeah, I know some guys like fake boobs. But fake everything? Great. Good for you. Enjoy that.
And while I am guessing, I assume you are going to brag that you are 10" and can go all night. Sure you can. And Jenna Jameson asked you to fuck her too. Or maybe Cameron Diaz. Sure. Its all fucking perfect for you.
Now to reality. Life sucks sometimes. Its not sucky, but it does suck. The rest of us have problems. I wish life was better constantly. But its not. You get dealt a raw hand sometimes. You have to put up with bad things. And bad things happen to good people. And you can't explain why. I wish I knew. But there isn't an answer. Although I may try to answer that later.
But you know what, fuck that. I don't care. I know its hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and look up at the clouds and think "What the fuck?" Sometimes I sit and look at my kids and think "I am not sure I signed up for this plan." But then I realize it. It hits me:
A man's character isn't shown when things are going well, but when things suck dick.
Think about that for a second. According to you, your life is perfect, great, amazing. Happy Fucking Birthday to you. You know what, when life is that good, its easy to be a good person. Its easy to make people think everything is wonderful. Its not rocket science.
But when you are faced with troubles, the question is then what kind of man are you? Are you the kind who is going to turn tail and run or are you the kind that is going to man up, figure out a solution and try to make the best of a bad situation? Any asshole can do good things when life is great. It takes a special asshole to do good things when life sucks.
So, congrats on your perfect fucking life. Congrats on everything being great. I mean, lets pretend that you arent a cocksucking piece of crap who lies about your failures and pretends they don't exist. I know my failures exist - big time. And people know about them. But that is okay with me. I also know that when push comes to shove, I am going to stand up, take responsibility for my failures and figure out how to make the best of the crap that life sometimes deals you. I am going to do the best I can. And if I fail or if I succeed, I know its based on me making the best damn decisions I can make. And there is no one who can sit and judge me for it.
Yeah, a man's character comes out when life sucks. You, on the other hand, are too perfect to understand.
Friday, May 20, 2011
On Children
Remember that first time you held your child? You were somewhere. You remember the place. Your child was put into your arms and you saw all of the potential. Your child was perfect. It didn't matter if he was bald, had hair, pooped on you, or cried. Your child was perfect.
I remember the first time I held my oldest son. Heck, I remember the first time I held all of my children. My baby girl was at the hospital. My three boys were all at the adoption agency. But that first time you hold your baby is so special, so amazing, such an event. We really don't appreciate that enough.
We were at the adoption agency. They brought him in to the room. He was amazing. Brown eyes, brown hair. We have a picture of that time. His big head on my arms and I smiled. I looked at my wife and called him "Munch." It was a dumb nickname but it was perfect for him. My little munchkin. We spent the night at a hotel. I had no idea what I was doing with a baby. Thankfully my wife was there. Then we got on a plane and flew home the next day.
I even remember my first diaper change. We were on a United Airlines flight from New York to San Francisco. My wife had a headache. I said I would change his diaper. I took him to the bathroom and laid out the little diaper changing pad. How hard could this really be? I took off his diaper, wiped him, and turned around to throw it away. When I turned back, I was looking at the Trevi Fountain. (Google it, people.) Someone forgot to warn me that a baby boy will pee like this when you take off his diaper. OOPS! Live and learn. I remember it like it was yesterday.
But what do you feel when your perfect baby isn't? I don't mean that he punches another kid or doesn't do his homework. Heck, I barely did homework from 3rd grade through my junior year of high school. All kids make mistakes. All kids screw up. But what do you feel when your child has problems?
We have all experienced pain. I lost both of my parents. It was two different ways. My dad passed away suddenly, unexpectedly. With my mom, we knew it was coming. Both sucked. Both hurt. But we all know starting at about 9 that life means death. We all have to go. (Although I don't for a minute believe the end of the world is tomorrow.) So that pain comes and we can grieve.
Maybe we lose a friend. Maybe we have our heart broken. That pain is real too. It hurts. We find a way to deal with it.
But what do you do when the pain can't be fixed? Today, my oldest son has to go to LA for a few weeks. Alone. I can't be there with him. And it hit me today - I can't fix him. I want to. I need to. But I can't. Its a tradition in my family. Dad could always fix anything. Need a water pump for a 71 Skylark while you are stuck in the middle of NY? Dad can find one. Need an extra $20 to take your girlfriend on a date? Dad can help you out. Need to get over a broken heart? Dad has a remedy for that. Need to get over a fight with mom? Dad knows how to do that too. Can't move and need a wheelchair that will help you get around at the beach? Yep, dad could get that too.
But now dad doesn't have a fix. Dad can't just make this go away. I can't. And if my dad was here today, he couldn't either. Its a feeling of helplessness that I can't explain. I don't know the relationship between moms and sons or between moms and daughters. I know the relationship between dad and son. Its a special one, and I guess a lot like the relationship between a mother and a daughter. But when the son can't be fixed and when the son has problems that the dad can't solve, what do you do?
I wish I had an answer. Green Day says make the best of life and don't ask why. "It's not a question/but a lesson learned in time." If I take this approach, I guess I don't need an answer. But it seems lacking. It seems like the Budweiser commercial. "Why ask why, try Bud Dry." We see how well that made it. They haven't made Bud Dry since about 1988. It sucked - or so I was told.
Maybe now is not the time for an answer. Maybe now is the time to just ask questions. Maybe there is no answer today, this week, this month. Maybe the answer will come to me in time. Maybe the answer is that he ended up with us because he needed people who could give him the resources that he needed. After all, the odds of a child born in New York and ending up with a family from California are pretty slim. The odds of that child being able to live with two biological siblings are even slimmer. So maybe that is it. Maybe its simple. Someone had a plan for him and knew he would be special. And because he was special, he needed people who could give him access to the things that would give him some quality of life. At least for now, that answer is satisfying enough.
I remember the first time I held my oldest son. Heck, I remember the first time I held all of my children. My baby girl was at the hospital. My three boys were all at the adoption agency. But that first time you hold your baby is so special, so amazing, such an event. We really don't appreciate that enough.
We were at the adoption agency. They brought him in to the room. He was amazing. Brown eyes, brown hair. We have a picture of that time. His big head on my arms and I smiled. I looked at my wife and called him "Munch." It was a dumb nickname but it was perfect for him. My little munchkin. We spent the night at a hotel. I had no idea what I was doing with a baby. Thankfully my wife was there. Then we got on a plane and flew home the next day.
I even remember my first diaper change. We were on a United Airlines flight from New York to San Francisco. My wife had a headache. I said I would change his diaper. I took him to the bathroom and laid out the little diaper changing pad. How hard could this really be? I took off his diaper, wiped him, and turned around to throw it away. When I turned back, I was looking at the Trevi Fountain. (Google it, people.) Someone forgot to warn me that a baby boy will pee like this when you take off his diaper. OOPS! Live and learn. I remember it like it was yesterday.
But what do you feel when your perfect baby isn't? I don't mean that he punches another kid or doesn't do his homework. Heck, I barely did homework from 3rd grade through my junior year of high school. All kids make mistakes. All kids screw up. But what do you feel when your child has problems?
We have all experienced pain. I lost both of my parents. It was two different ways. My dad passed away suddenly, unexpectedly. With my mom, we knew it was coming. Both sucked. Both hurt. But we all know starting at about 9 that life means death. We all have to go. (Although I don't for a minute believe the end of the world is tomorrow.) So that pain comes and we can grieve.
Maybe we lose a friend. Maybe we have our heart broken. That pain is real too. It hurts. We find a way to deal with it.
But what do you do when the pain can't be fixed? Today, my oldest son has to go to LA for a few weeks. Alone. I can't be there with him. And it hit me today - I can't fix him. I want to. I need to. But I can't. Its a tradition in my family. Dad could always fix anything. Need a water pump for a 71 Skylark while you are stuck in the middle of NY? Dad can find one. Need an extra $20 to take your girlfriend on a date? Dad can help you out. Need to get over a broken heart? Dad has a remedy for that. Need to get over a fight with mom? Dad knows how to do that too. Can't move and need a wheelchair that will help you get around at the beach? Yep, dad could get that too.
But now dad doesn't have a fix. Dad can't just make this go away. I can't. And if my dad was here today, he couldn't either. Its a feeling of helplessness that I can't explain. I don't know the relationship between moms and sons or between moms and daughters. I know the relationship between dad and son. Its a special one, and I guess a lot like the relationship between a mother and a daughter. But when the son can't be fixed and when the son has problems that the dad can't solve, what do you do?
I wish I had an answer. Green Day says make the best of life and don't ask why. "It's not a question/but a lesson learned in time." If I take this approach, I guess I don't need an answer. But it seems lacking. It seems like the Budweiser commercial. "Why ask why, try Bud Dry." We see how well that made it. They haven't made Bud Dry since about 1988. It sucked - or so I was told.
Maybe now is not the time for an answer. Maybe now is the time to just ask questions. Maybe there is no answer today, this week, this month. Maybe the answer will come to me in time. Maybe the answer is that he ended up with us because he needed people who could give him the resources that he needed. After all, the odds of a child born in New York and ending up with a family from California are pretty slim. The odds of that child being able to live with two biological siblings are even slimmer. So maybe that is it. Maybe its simple. Someone had a plan for him and knew he would be special. And because he was special, he needed people who could give him access to the things that would give him some quality of life. At least for now, that answer is satisfying enough.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I'm so sorry
A wise person once told me that saying sorry is the difference between being a man and a mouse. I think there is something to that. In fact, I have thought it for a few days, but I haven't had a minute to write about it.
Saying sorry is interesting. I doesn't really fix the problem. Look, Mike Vick can say he is sorry all he wants but there are still dead dogs. Barry Bonds can say he is sorry, oh wait, sorry. He would never say he is sorry. I guess that is why, while I hate what Vick did, I want to see him succeed. (I in no way condone what Vick did.) Dude was given a second chance because he admitted his mistake, as bad as it was, and is trying to be a better person. Bonds can't admit he did anything wrong, even with a small conviction over his head.
So as I was thinking of this, The Script came on. I was listening to the words: "They say bad things happen for a reason/But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding." Sometimes when bad things happen, there are wise words to help.
For example, when you screw up, a bad thing could happen. You miss your traffic ticket court date and a warrant is issued for you. Having a warrant for your arrest is a bad thing. Even if the cops aren't going to come pick you up, its bad. You don't want those floating around out there. But, if you say you are sorry, it will help. At least, the Judge will see you are a man. You are owning up to your mistakes.
So, with that said, let me start with "I'm sorry." I am sorry to the people I made fun of for things they could not control. Yes, I was a jackass when I was younger. (Caveat: I am not sorry for making fun of debt collectors. Those dweebs can get a job that doesn't require you to be an ass 24/7. I am also not sorry for making fun of the radio DJ who used the R word and I may have said he talks like he has marbles in his mouth. He still talks like that and while he may not be able to control it, he could learn to open his diarrhea filled mouth. That would solve the problem.)
I am sorry to the people I hit harder than I meant to or had to. I am sorry I punched you out of the door. You probably deserved it for not being nice to my wife, but I shouldn't have responded that way.
I am sorry to my parents. I wasn't always the best son. I know that. I tried. I did the best I could. I wish I could explain that to you now, but I can't. I am sorry that I can't explain it.
I am sorry to my kids. Look, there is no book on how to be a parent. We learn from our examples - our parents. I parent like my dad did. There is good and bad with it. I know. I yell. I get upset. I totally understand. One day, you will understand that this parenting stuff is harder than it looks.
I am sorry to my wife. The last few weeks, no wait, months, have sucked. We fight more than we should. I am stressed. I know. For some reason, you put up with me. I am sorry I can't fix everything. I wish I could. I wish I could more than you know.
I am sorry to that group of people who know who they are (and aren't reading this because of who they are). Sometimes, I fuck up. I don't mean to. I don't try to. I mean to do good deeds. Sometimes good deeds turn bad. And I know none of you think I need to say it, but I do.
And I am sorry to anyone else who I have hurt - either intentionally or not. I am sorry for not always being a great friend, or even a good friend. I am sorry that I don't pick up the phone and call as often as I should. Yeah, Facebook is great, but its not quite the same thing. I am sorry I don't write you a letter or send an email. I know I should.
And while I am apologizing, let me be perfectly clear: there are some things for which I shouldn't apologize. No, won't apologize for. Ever.
I am not going to apologize for advocating for my kids. Ever. Look, they are kids. They will always be my kids. At 11, 9, 7 and 1. At 21, 19, 17 and 11. At 31, 29, 27 and 21. At 41, 39, 37, and 31. And as smart as they may be, they are never going to have the same life experiences, or the same amount of life experience that I have. I am going to advocate for them. Sure, it may not be as much as they get older, but especially when they are young, I am going to get upset, get annoyed. If you are supposed to help my kids and you don't, I will give you another chance. Maybe even 3. But if you continue to fuck with my kids, I do have a breaking point. I will yell. I may make you cry. I will not apologize.
I will not apologize if you hurt my family and I kick your ass. I got in some dumb fights when I was younger. 7th grade over some comment some kid made to me. 9th grade, 10th grade. Hell, back in like 4th grade. I haven't been in a fight since my freshman year of college. Its like 20 years. But, if you hurt my family, I will kick your ass. I promise. And I won't say I am sorry after.
I will not apologize if I do what I think is right. If you are dying, I may not tell you everything. I may hide some things from you. I don't do it out of hate or spite or because I am a dick, I do it because I care. I do it because I do not want to hurt you. I do it because I know you have bigger issues in life than my issues. I promise I don't mean to hurt you by doing it, but I also promise I will not apologize for it. Nope. Not going to happen.
Yes, a real man stands up and apologizes. A man will admit when he has made a mistake. I admit to my mistakes. But there are sometimes when a man shouldn't, can't and won't apologize. I won't say I am sorry for those things. For everything else, I am sorry.
Saying sorry is interesting. I doesn't really fix the problem. Look, Mike Vick can say he is sorry all he wants but there are still dead dogs. Barry Bonds can say he is sorry, oh wait, sorry. He would never say he is sorry. I guess that is why, while I hate what Vick did, I want to see him succeed. (I in no way condone what Vick did.) Dude was given a second chance because he admitted his mistake, as bad as it was, and is trying to be a better person. Bonds can't admit he did anything wrong, even with a small conviction over his head.
So as I was thinking of this, The Script came on. I was listening to the words: "They say bad things happen for a reason/But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding." Sometimes when bad things happen, there are wise words to help.
For example, when you screw up, a bad thing could happen. You miss your traffic ticket court date and a warrant is issued for you. Having a warrant for your arrest is a bad thing. Even if the cops aren't going to come pick you up, its bad. You don't want those floating around out there. But, if you say you are sorry, it will help. At least, the Judge will see you are a man. You are owning up to your mistakes.
So, with that said, let me start with "I'm sorry." I am sorry to the people I made fun of for things they could not control. Yes, I was a jackass when I was younger. (Caveat: I am not sorry for making fun of debt collectors. Those dweebs can get a job that doesn't require you to be an ass 24/7. I am also not sorry for making fun of the radio DJ who used the R word and I may have said he talks like he has marbles in his mouth. He still talks like that and while he may not be able to control it, he could learn to open his diarrhea filled mouth. That would solve the problem.)
I am sorry to the people I hit harder than I meant to or had to. I am sorry I punched you out of the door. You probably deserved it for not being nice to my wife, but I shouldn't have responded that way.
I am sorry to my parents. I wasn't always the best son. I know that. I tried. I did the best I could. I wish I could explain that to you now, but I can't. I am sorry that I can't explain it.
I am sorry to my kids. Look, there is no book on how to be a parent. We learn from our examples - our parents. I parent like my dad did. There is good and bad with it. I know. I yell. I get upset. I totally understand. One day, you will understand that this parenting stuff is harder than it looks.
I am sorry to my wife. The last few weeks, no wait, months, have sucked. We fight more than we should. I am stressed. I know. For some reason, you put up with me. I am sorry I can't fix everything. I wish I could. I wish I could more than you know.
I am sorry to that group of people who know who they are (and aren't reading this because of who they are). Sometimes, I fuck up. I don't mean to. I don't try to. I mean to do good deeds. Sometimes good deeds turn bad. And I know none of you think I need to say it, but I do.
And I am sorry to anyone else who I have hurt - either intentionally or not. I am sorry for not always being a great friend, or even a good friend. I am sorry that I don't pick up the phone and call as often as I should. Yeah, Facebook is great, but its not quite the same thing. I am sorry I don't write you a letter or send an email. I know I should.
And while I am apologizing, let me be perfectly clear: there are some things for which I shouldn't apologize. No, won't apologize for. Ever.
I am not going to apologize for advocating for my kids. Ever. Look, they are kids. They will always be my kids. At 11, 9, 7 and 1. At 21, 19, 17 and 11. At 31, 29, 27 and 21. At 41, 39, 37, and 31. And as smart as they may be, they are never going to have the same life experiences, or the same amount of life experience that I have. I am going to advocate for them. Sure, it may not be as much as they get older, but especially when they are young, I am going to get upset, get annoyed. If you are supposed to help my kids and you don't, I will give you another chance. Maybe even 3. But if you continue to fuck with my kids, I do have a breaking point. I will yell. I may make you cry. I will not apologize.
I will not apologize if you hurt my family and I kick your ass. I got in some dumb fights when I was younger. 7th grade over some comment some kid made to me. 9th grade, 10th grade. Hell, back in like 4th grade. I haven't been in a fight since my freshman year of college. Its like 20 years. But, if you hurt my family, I will kick your ass. I promise. And I won't say I am sorry after.
I will not apologize if I do what I think is right. If you are dying, I may not tell you everything. I may hide some things from you. I don't do it out of hate or spite or because I am a dick, I do it because I care. I do it because I do not want to hurt you. I do it because I know you have bigger issues in life than my issues. I promise I don't mean to hurt you by doing it, but I also promise I will not apologize for it. Nope. Not going to happen.
Yes, a real man stands up and apologizes. A man will admit when he has made a mistake. I admit to my mistakes. But there are sometimes when a man shouldn't, can't and won't apologize. I won't say I am sorry for those things. For everything else, I am sorry.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
On death and dying
As anyone who is reading this knows, I recently lost my mom. Cancer blows. A lot. Its tough now that I have lost both my parents. Not even 40 yet. Yeah, I know. Some people have it worse than me. I get it. Doesn't make it hurt any less. I wasn't overly close with my mom, but there is still a pain. But this isn't about me. This is about what people should do when a friend or loved one loses someone. Call it Jon's Commandments on Death and Dying.
1. Thou shalt not say "Its for the best." Really? The best? No, you know whats for the best? Its for the best if people didn't get fucked up diseases like cancer. Its for the best when someone gets a chance to say goodbye to a loved one. Its for the best if people wouldn't open their idiotic mouths and spill out shit like this.
Lets think about it. The best is a good thing. Michael Jordan was the best. Pele was the best. Bruce Springsteen is called The Boss because he is the best. I am not the best. See, how that works? You don't walk around and say "Osama bin Laden was the best terrorist." There is no such thing as a good terrorist. Get it?
Now, if the survivor comes up to you and you are talking about it and he or she says "I lost my mom but at least she is not suffering anymore" then feel free to make a comment. That is an opening. You can say something at that point. Still, avoid the best. Maybe "I am sorry for your loss. Its good that she is not in pain." See, still not using the best.
You think I make this crap up? When I lost my dad, my aunt said it was for the best. WTF? I lost my dad. I was 29 years old. He was 63. I'm sorry. Anytime someone does before 70 its not for the best. Its not even good. Its a life unlived. Its potential lost. At 63 my dad was still 10 times smarter than me. He accomplished more in his last year of life than I did in my first 20. What exactly is good about it? Sure, he had Parkinsons and some bullshit leukemia that I have never heard of. But his brain worked. His body worked when he needed it to. He managed to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He was there when I graduated from law school. Fuck that crap. Its not for the best. Yeah, and I am bitter. I know.
2. Thou shalt not post on Facebook before the closest living relative. Yes you, dumbass who can't get off Facebook. (And I know some of you are reading this through Facebook or through a link from Facebook. Don't take it personally. If I am still your friend on Facebook it means you didn't do this.) Look, when someone dies, it sucks. But it sucks more for the people who are closest.
Anyone who has lost someone knows what I mean. Sure, when my grandfather passed away, I was sad. It sucked. But you know what? It sucked for my mom 10 times more. When a friend's mom passed away, it sucked. And I know he had it so much worse than I did. When a client's son recently passed away, I was sad. Maybe its lame for me to be sad, but I was. But I sure as hell know that my client had it a million times worse than I had it.
If your aunt passes away, its sad. Aw...I feel for you. However, your aunts kids are much worse off than you are. Again, personal experience. How dare you announce to everyone what a loss you have had. How about giving those of us who were her children a chance to process it. The morning she passed away? Really? Screw you. Yeah, you had a loss. Yeah, you need sympathy. I am sure it was so hard for you. Oh wait. You didn't bother coming to the funeral but you had to get all of the sympathy from your Facebook friends? If you don't go to the funeral, then don't bother telling everyone how sad you are and dont but that BS on Facebook.
3. Thou shalt not be a jackass over the estate. I don't know which is worse - people fighting in a divorce or people fighting over someone's estate. Look, there is a good reason for a will. It makes sense to have one. I highly suggest it and would be happy to recommend a good estate planning attorney near you. I know one in almost every state. But not everything is covered in a will or a trust.
For example, lets say you have a will that gives your money to A and B. Great. What about the knick-knacks in the house? Those little tchotchkes need to be given to someone. So, when you find a picture of your sibling as a baby, GIVE HIM THE FUCKING PICTURE. It doesn't matter if you like your sibling or not. Its just human decency. What are you going to do with a picture of your sibling? Throw it away. Yeah, thats environmentally friendly. Oh wait, no its not. And Goodwill doesn't want that crap. Unless your sibling is Diane Lane or Adam Levine or some other famous person that people of the opposite sex would find attractive, no one wants that stupid picture. Oh, well, no one except your sibling!
Those books on the bookshelf? Yeah, I know. So meaningful that you don't even know what they are for. Trust me - the sibling who wants it wants it for a reason. Do you really think anyone else cares about a PhD thesis on the chemical structure of some chemical thing that 10 people in the world understand? NO!!!! Am I clear? NO ONE CARES. Again, except the sibling. Give him the damn book. And that 40 year old book? Yep, no one wants that either. It has no value. Just man up (or woman up) and give it to him. Are you that much of a bastard?
4. Thou shalt not tell anyone not to come to a funeral. This should not be a surprise to anyone, but apparently it is: the funeral is not about the living. Its a way to honor the dead. Go look it up.
Every single religion. Even the nonsense cults agree that a funeral is a way to honor the dead. Again, nothing about the living there. Even the Wyoming Funeral Directors Association say its a way to honor and remember the deceased. (Yes, Wyoming has a funeral directors association. I don't know how many members they have - 5? 10? But it exists. Google it.)
Thus, if you won't go to a funeral because little Jackie is going to be there and you don't like little Jackie then you are an asshole. A big one. Yep. That means you think the funeral is about you. It isn't. And it also means that you don't care enough about the deceased to show your respects. Yep. There are no ifs, ands or buts about this. If you can't act like an adult for 30 minutes, then you shouldn't be there. (See commandment 5 below.) I don't care if you think Jackie is a loser. At least Jackie cares enough to show up. In my book, that makes Jackie a pretty good person.
You want to grieve? Sit shiva. Go dance a jig. Do whatever it is that folks do. I don't know. I don't really get the whole grieving process. I suck at it. Big time. Yep, I still don't think I have properly grieved for my dad and its been 8 1/2 years. I know. I suck at it. But there is a process that you can go through. The funeral isn't about you. Clear?
5. Thou shalt say something to the people who go to the funeral. Yes, its for people who can act grown up. You don't have to be a grown up. I remember being about 11. A friend's dad passed away. Talk about sucking for someone. My mom took 3 friends and me to the funeral. We wore our black suits. (Yes, you MUST wear a black suit to a funeral if you are a man and a black outfit if you are a woman. There are no exceptions. You don't own a black suit? Buy one. Keep it in your closet. Try it on once a year. And no sandals. Are we 12 and in middle school? Sure, sandals can be classy and dressed up. Not at a funeral.) We sat quietly and were there to support our friend and pay our respects to his dad. I didn't understand much of a Catholic funeral at the time. But I acted like a grown up.
So, when someone you love dies, and it will happen, then you need to go up and say something to the people who cared about your loved one enough to show up. I don't care if some douchebag from high school that you hate shows up. Man up and say "Thanks for coming. It means a lot to me." I don't care if it doesn't mean jackshit to you. Do it. Its the right thing to do. Again, its not about you. Its about the deceased. Do you mean to tell me that your mom wouldn't want you thanking someone for coming to an event? I know better. Every mom teaches that to her kids. Its learned in freaking Kindergarten. Its one of the very basic concepts of civilization - thank people.
Remember the good times and not the bad times. I know its easy to say. And I know I don't do this all the time. I think of my mom in her bed before she passed away instead of her playing soccer in the Old Timers Game. I remember my dad needing help to the bathroom instead of the drive to Virginia in his Corvette. Its hard. But I think its the right thing to do. And as of tonight, I am going to try it.
One final note: Oh, and when I die, if you are reading this, let me be clear: party. Big ole party. I don't want people sitting around crying over me. My life is not a perfect life. I fuck up plenty. Just ask anyone who knows me or knew me. Seriously, find the guys on Facebook who knew me in Freehold when I was in elementary school or when I got kicked out of middle school. Find the folks who knew me in San Diego in high school. Find people in Sacramento. I fuck up. I admit it. I don't want people sitting around saying "Oh he was such a great guy." Do I do good things once in a while? Sure. Have I done something great? Nope. No cure for cancer. No way to fix a broken heart. So do me a favor, come to my house after the funeral, bring some food, turn on the music, and enjoy yourselves.
One final, final note: seriously. Follow these 5 commandments. Its not because I say so. Its because its the human, decent thing to do.
1. Thou shalt not say "Its for the best." Really? The best? No, you know whats for the best? Its for the best if people didn't get fucked up diseases like cancer. Its for the best when someone gets a chance to say goodbye to a loved one. Its for the best if people wouldn't open their idiotic mouths and spill out shit like this.
Lets think about it. The best is a good thing. Michael Jordan was the best. Pele was the best. Bruce Springsteen is called The Boss because he is the best. I am not the best. See, how that works? You don't walk around and say "Osama bin Laden was the best terrorist." There is no such thing as a good terrorist. Get it?
Now, if the survivor comes up to you and you are talking about it and he or she says "I lost my mom but at least she is not suffering anymore" then feel free to make a comment. That is an opening. You can say something at that point. Still, avoid the best. Maybe "I am sorry for your loss. Its good that she is not in pain." See, still not using the best.
You think I make this crap up? When I lost my dad, my aunt said it was for the best. WTF? I lost my dad. I was 29 years old. He was 63. I'm sorry. Anytime someone does before 70 its not for the best. Its not even good. Its a life unlived. Its potential lost. At 63 my dad was still 10 times smarter than me. He accomplished more in his last year of life than I did in my first 20. What exactly is good about it? Sure, he had Parkinsons and some bullshit leukemia that I have never heard of. But his brain worked. His body worked when he needed it to. He managed to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He was there when I graduated from law school. Fuck that crap. Its not for the best. Yeah, and I am bitter. I know.
2. Thou shalt not post on Facebook before the closest living relative. Yes you, dumbass who can't get off Facebook. (And I know some of you are reading this through Facebook or through a link from Facebook. Don't take it personally. If I am still your friend on Facebook it means you didn't do this.) Look, when someone dies, it sucks. But it sucks more for the people who are closest.
Anyone who has lost someone knows what I mean. Sure, when my grandfather passed away, I was sad. It sucked. But you know what? It sucked for my mom 10 times more. When a friend's mom passed away, it sucked. And I know he had it so much worse than I did. When a client's son recently passed away, I was sad. Maybe its lame for me to be sad, but I was. But I sure as hell know that my client had it a million times worse than I had it.
If your aunt passes away, its sad. Aw...I feel for you. However, your aunts kids are much worse off than you are. Again, personal experience. How dare you announce to everyone what a loss you have had. How about giving those of us who were her children a chance to process it. The morning she passed away? Really? Screw you. Yeah, you had a loss. Yeah, you need sympathy. I am sure it was so hard for you. Oh wait. You didn't bother coming to the funeral but you had to get all of the sympathy from your Facebook friends? If you don't go to the funeral, then don't bother telling everyone how sad you are and dont but that BS on Facebook.
3. Thou shalt not be a jackass over the estate. I don't know which is worse - people fighting in a divorce or people fighting over someone's estate. Look, there is a good reason for a will. It makes sense to have one. I highly suggest it and would be happy to recommend a good estate planning attorney near you. I know one in almost every state. But not everything is covered in a will or a trust.
For example, lets say you have a will that gives your money to A and B. Great. What about the knick-knacks in the house? Those little tchotchkes need to be given to someone. So, when you find a picture of your sibling as a baby, GIVE HIM THE FUCKING PICTURE. It doesn't matter if you like your sibling or not. Its just human decency. What are you going to do with a picture of your sibling? Throw it away. Yeah, thats environmentally friendly. Oh wait, no its not. And Goodwill doesn't want that crap. Unless your sibling is Diane Lane or Adam Levine or some other famous person that people of the opposite sex would find attractive, no one wants that stupid picture. Oh, well, no one except your sibling!
Those books on the bookshelf? Yeah, I know. So meaningful that you don't even know what they are for. Trust me - the sibling who wants it wants it for a reason. Do you really think anyone else cares about a PhD thesis on the chemical structure of some chemical thing that 10 people in the world understand? NO!!!! Am I clear? NO ONE CARES. Again, except the sibling. Give him the damn book. And that 40 year old book? Yep, no one wants that either. It has no value. Just man up (or woman up) and give it to him. Are you that much of a bastard?
4. Thou shalt not tell anyone not to come to a funeral. This should not be a surprise to anyone, but apparently it is: the funeral is not about the living. Its a way to honor the dead. Go look it up.
Every single religion. Even the nonsense cults agree that a funeral is a way to honor the dead. Again, nothing about the living there. Even the Wyoming Funeral Directors Association say its a way to honor and remember the deceased. (Yes, Wyoming has a funeral directors association. I don't know how many members they have - 5? 10? But it exists. Google it.)
Thus, if you won't go to a funeral because little Jackie is going to be there and you don't like little Jackie then you are an asshole. A big one. Yep. That means you think the funeral is about you. It isn't. And it also means that you don't care enough about the deceased to show your respects. Yep. There are no ifs, ands or buts about this. If you can't act like an adult for 30 minutes, then you shouldn't be there. (See commandment 5 below.) I don't care if you think Jackie is a loser. At least Jackie cares enough to show up. In my book, that makes Jackie a pretty good person.
You want to grieve? Sit shiva. Go dance a jig. Do whatever it is that folks do. I don't know. I don't really get the whole grieving process. I suck at it. Big time. Yep, I still don't think I have properly grieved for my dad and its been 8 1/2 years. I know. I suck at it. But there is a process that you can go through. The funeral isn't about you. Clear?
5. Thou shalt say something to the people who go to the funeral. Yes, its for people who can act grown up. You don't have to be a grown up. I remember being about 11. A friend's dad passed away. Talk about sucking for someone. My mom took 3 friends and me to the funeral. We wore our black suits. (Yes, you MUST wear a black suit to a funeral if you are a man and a black outfit if you are a woman. There are no exceptions. You don't own a black suit? Buy one. Keep it in your closet. Try it on once a year. And no sandals. Are we 12 and in middle school? Sure, sandals can be classy and dressed up. Not at a funeral.) We sat quietly and were there to support our friend and pay our respects to his dad. I didn't understand much of a Catholic funeral at the time. But I acted like a grown up.
So, when someone you love dies, and it will happen, then you need to go up and say something to the people who cared about your loved one enough to show up. I don't care if some douchebag from high school that you hate shows up. Man up and say "Thanks for coming. It means a lot to me." I don't care if it doesn't mean jackshit to you. Do it. Its the right thing to do. Again, its not about you. Its about the deceased. Do you mean to tell me that your mom wouldn't want you thanking someone for coming to an event? I know better. Every mom teaches that to her kids. Its learned in freaking Kindergarten. Its one of the very basic concepts of civilization - thank people.
Remember the good times and not the bad times. I know its easy to say. And I know I don't do this all the time. I think of my mom in her bed before she passed away instead of her playing soccer in the Old Timers Game. I remember my dad needing help to the bathroom instead of the drive to Virginia in his Corvette. Its hard. But I think its the right thing to do. And as of tonight, I am going to try it.
One final note: Oh, and when I die, if you are reading this, let me be clear: party. Big ole party. I don't want people sitting around crying over me. My life is not a perfect life. I fuck up plenty. Just ask anyone who knows me or knew me. Seriously, find the guys on Facebook who knew me in Freehold when I was in elementary school or when I got kicked out of middle school. Find the folks who knew me in San Diego in high school. Find people in Sacramento. I fuck up. I admit it. I don't want people sitting around saying "Oh he was such a great guy." Do I do good things once in a while? Sure. Have I done something great? Nope. No cure for cancer. No way to fix a broken heart. So do me a favor, come to my house after the funeral, bring some food, turn on the music, and enjoy yourselves.
One final, final note: seriously. Follow these 5 commandments. Its not because I say so. Its because its the human, decent thing to do.
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